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It’s a tuesday. Beidou wants to laugh, it’s a damn tuesday. Not even the middle of the week, not even beginning, not close to the weekend, not close to having time to herself to be able to sit on her couch and regret all her life choices, to eat all the ice cream she owns. Not even to cry in the shower, again. For like the second time in the last hour. It was Tuesday, and Beidou had to go to get her stuff in her old apartment. It was the sunrise, too early because Ningguang left that day to work somewhere else, a trip or something Beidou didn’t know. She didn’t deserve to know. She was an hour early. Waiting in the car on a damn Tuesday outside the apartment she once shared with the love of her life..
Beidou remembered clearly the dreams they had, how they spent hours and hours in the store checking until the last single book they bought, the photos, the chairs, they love to do it on weekends with a list of things they didn’t have yet. Beidou wanted to laugh/cry in her car, how they planned carefully everything but love slipped through their fingers. They were that couple, who made list and sticky notes around the house with beautiful words who whispered each other ‘i love you’ before they left the house and right after they arrived, they were not the picture-perfect couple, both with strong character sometimes fighting over stupid little things but never screaming and never something big enough to stay over other people’s couch. Beidou never saw it coming. She trembled in anger after the break up, incredibly mad at something, at the world, at some god, at the damn sky for doing that to her. She didn’t believe in any of that but she needed to be mad at someone that wasn’t her or Ningguang.
Something had happened. Beidou always thought that love was something unique, an overflowing endless ocean of affection. Maybe it was just her, but her ex was just as intense, just as loving as her, so ‘forever’ was never possible until she met her. Beidou always thought a break up was something that only happened when cheating or big things get in their way, that was always the case for her, and she found a way to be mad at someone and it was easier to get over.
She couldn’t be mad at Ningguang.
Ningguang was living the best life, the life she only accepted at 4 in the morning between whispers, with those dreamy eyes that Beidou loved so much. So she couldn’t hate her for going for what she always wanted. Being a big important woman was incredibly meaningful for her, and at the beginning everything was fine, the perpetual cold side of the bed, grocery shopping alone, the boring weekends and the empty seat next to her in the movies.
Beidou loved her a lot.
Enough to go and wait for a whole year, making her soul die a little every time Ningguang catched a plane without morning and night ‘i love you’s, no whispers, no dancing in the kitchen, no sticky notes and months of making everything on her own. At the beginning she didn’t understand why everyone tell her to break up with her girlfriend, she was never with the toxic relationship, no redflags, ‘everything is okay’ she repeated every time to anyone who will listen, to the mirror even when the day was bad and the world was crumbling on her feet and her girlfriend was in another city.
And it didn’t make sense the way she felt until one day a gorgeous woman flirted with her, a silly little flirt in the middle of a bar and she realized that she hadn't felt the thrill for something like that in a whole year. So she came back home and stayed in the bath quietly crying until the water became cold and there was a knock on the door. It was five am, and Ningguang had just arrived and Beidou totally forgot about that. She went to her room and changed and saw the board next to her side of the room with the dates of important things and her girlfriend’s name was not there.
That’s when she knew.
It wasn’t the little or the big things, it was the fact that she couldn’t even count on her and that the girl who had it all planned didn’t even have her girlfriend in the calendar. She had a few events coming soon, gifts and ideas written in the corner but nothing of Ningguang. And Beidou understood her girlfriend, she really did, but she couldn’t live like that anymore. She understood there that the problem was that her relationship changed so so much and somehow both of them turned to the other side. Beidou realized that she no longer loved her like she used to.
There were a bunch of things Ninngguang taught her, so many things that they learned together and Beidou adored her but the word in her mind when she thought about her girlfriend wasn’t love anymore. And it wasn’t fair to any of them to be in a relationship that was going nowhere and that even became a burden. Ningguang would be living somewhere else if she wasn’t in that serious relationship.
Beidou remembers it very clearly, even outside the apartment they both put so much thought in, how she was waiting for anger, broken glasses or even screaming. But when she told Ning that it wasn’t working she just nodded in agreement. So Beidou packed her things and she left. It was like she already knew how it was gonna go, like if a part of her was ready for that, she knew deep down she couldn’t stay in the place where their dreams started. Beidou lived in her friend’s house for a while and then moved to a small apartment in the same neighborhood, closed to her support group. Beidou thought it was better if Ningguang keeped the apartment since she was barely there anyway the memories wouldn’t haunt her.
The time comes, Beidou goes up and knocks, waits a bit outside her exes place, Ningguang opens the door, she looks breathtaking beautiful and Beidou wants to come back to her, she wants to kiss her against the door like she did so many times before, she wants to ask her so many things and then get on her knees and beg her to get back together. Beidou almost forgets why she left until she sees the place, everything is moved, the colors are different, a bit more of pastel colors instead of the black and white palette they used to have, her things are next to the door and if she didn’t live there for years she would have think it’s a different apartment, but it’s the same place, even if the sofa where they used to binge watch their favorite tv show it’s not there, and she could see that the bookshelf they used to share was gone. Beidou could imagine her sitting in the corner of the room and saying “this stays, this doesn’t”, she could imagine her taking the cupboard’s door off and putting the books there since she wouldn’t need the space for food. Ningguang loved take out and the only one who tried to do home-made food was Beidou, it was very logical but everything looked a little off, like if she suddenly woke up into another dimension and she could see the little things that made it different.
Ningguang offers a glass of water and they make small talk while Beidou puts all of her things she forgot into a suitcase, it’s easier, she holds a sweater she used to wear a lot but it’s Ningguang’s and she whispers “are you sure?” and Ning nods, she closes the suitcase and gets up. The other girl gives her a black box, she knows is where Beidou used to have their memories, there’s a copy of the first receipt they got for grocery shopping and the first ticket of the movie date they had. Beidou wants to cry, but she holds back tears because Ningguang is not her safe place anymore, she is not the shoulder she can cry on when things go wrong, she is not a stranger either.
Beidou nods, she says “Thank you”, Ningguang gives her a hug, Beidou counts to five and takes a step back. “I’m sorry, baby” Ningguang says and Beidou wants to scream and cry and beg and stay there forever, but the apartment stares at her reminding her that this is not longer home and the girl that’s in front of her with teary eyes and a face full of regret is not home anymore.
“I’m sorry, too.” says Beidou, she gives her a kiss on the cheek because she knows she cannot kiss her properly or she will never leave. “I hope you have a wonderful life, I hope you’re happy, I hope that all of your dreams come true” Beidou says, Ningguang starts crying, Beidou holds the weight of the box as way to keep her grounded, she stays there afraid to leave and afraid to stay, like a lost puppy. Ningguang holds Beidou's face, her hand is soft and she doesn’t move because she knows she can’t do anything more. “I hope a lot of things for you, too” she says “I hope your life is full of happiness and everything works for you. I hope you love and feel loved too”. Beidou nods because that’s all that she can do and takes the other girl’s hand off her face. And she leaves, again.
Beidou gets into her car, it’s a 30 minute drive, she calls her job and says that she is sick and they don’t ask any questions because she sounds like she is breaking down. She calls her friends and says ‘hey, when you are free can you come by my house?’ because she knows that isolation it’s the thing that hurts her the most, and she feels like an open wound. When Beidou arrives at her apartment building she leaves everything in the car and gets into her apartment as fast as she can, thankfully there’s no one in the elevator and no one in the hallways so she can go straight to her place.
She breaks down the minute she closes the door.
Holds her stomach and herself like she is gonna break if she doesn’t but she can’t dare to stop the tears, she is sure she is sobbing so loud that the neighbor next door can hear her but she doesn’t care. This is not home either but she has nowhere else to go and at least no one can force her to move from the floor.
It’s late when she decides to go up and sit in her couch, she watches some movie that’s she is not really paying attention to until she hears someone knowing on the door: it’s Kazuha and Xinyan, they’re holding ice cream, tissues and movies and Beidou wants to laugh or cry or both at the same time. She is incredibly happy about her support system, they hold her in their arms while watching another movie and she falls asleep in Xinyan’s lap while she caresses her hair.
It’s not until a week later when she cries, she is on the floor outside a bar with another girl's lipstick all over her mouth, the other girl left a few minutes ago and she stays in the middle of the empty alley just sobbing. Everyone is drunk including her, it’s the alcohol that allows her not to feel shame for breaking down in the middle of the street. Her friend is next to her after some minutes, she just sits there holding Beidou in her arms. Beidou thinks it is a good idea to call her ex so she gives Xinyan her phone and puts her head on her shoulders, it’s past 3 am and the city is quiet, her friend cleans the mess of make up Beidou has all over her face with a wet towel.
“Love doesn’t exist” she whispers, she is not sure to whom she is speaking to: her friend, the sky, the sleeping city or the universe. Xinyan pats her head. She knows they’d probably stay there until they sober up, and she will regret more about kissing other girls when the only one she could ever love is a few blocks from there. Beidou wonders if she is in there or if she is in another city or country, forever escaping from her, always two steps too far away.
Always out of reach.