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Ratthi and Pin-Lee have a bet going. It's about me. Some of the others have joined in, but they've organized into two factions behind the ringleaders so I'm holding those two responsible. I don't know if they think they've managed to keep it a secret, or if they just don't care that I know they are brazenly plotting against me. Either way, I suppose it doesn't matter. I don't intend to let either of them win.
It started when Overse and Arada were sick with a severe but survivable respiratory virus and Ratthi, being a caring friend, visited them to make sure they were eating and drinking fluids and basically getting them more comfortable so they could recover faster. Maybe I should have gone in his place– I mostly don't have the organic parts to be susceptible to that kind of virus – but on all metrics other than disease resistance Ratthi is the better option here. And they weren't in danger of dying, which is usually where my purview begins. Still, I sent a drone along with Ratthi just to keep an eye on things, and then it turned out he didn't bring them adequate groceries, and I ended up getting… more involved. I discovered a frankly disturbing emotional expression that I hadn't previously known I was capable of. (Ratthi says this is “laughter” but my respiratory system is sufficiently different from humans that I think it should be called something else. It's also uncomfortable and embarrassing and frankly if this is what laughter feels like for humans I have no idea why they like it so much. (Not that “humans are weird” is a new conclusion for me.))
After the incident, I wrote a script to alert me when I'm at elevated risk of such a reaction, but unfortunately it seems to be an reflex originating from my organic parts so I can't just code it out of my behavior entirely. This wouldn't be such an issue if Ratthi didn't find it hilarious and tell Pin-Lee about it, and now the two of them have a bet running for who can get SecUnit to laugh again. And capture it on camera. (I strongly suspect Gurathin is involved in that part of the bet. He would LOVE to pull one over on me surveillance-wise and manage to store video in a way that I can't find and delete it. But he's been smart enough not to discuss it with the others over the feed or in person somewhere the station ring has cameras, so I don't have proof of his involvement, only dark suspicions.)
I was really pissed at the time, but I've had a few months to calm down about it. The continued failure of their goal is one reason – they still haven't come close to getting a laugh out of me. Another reason is that Pin Lee's approach has been to send increasingly outre and non-sensical insults for my consideration, and I've been saving my favorites to use on ART when I see that big asshole again. (Ratthi had maintained that, since silly insults had triggered the First Incident, I would be ready for them and it would be better to mix and match other types of “jokes”. This is where the two factions and the bet had originated. Ever since, Ratthi has since been sending me knock-knock jokes and terrible puns almost every time he messages me over the feed. I know he's pulling a lot of them from the Entertainment Feed, but he doesn't need to know that I know. And he definitely doesn't need to know when he's managed to pull a few from my favorite scene of Rise and Fall of Sanctuary Moon episode 150.)
But now, I've been on the first mission with ART and ART's crew and had some actually important things to focus on for a change. ART had been right that my skills were very useful for the task at hand. (Part of why ART is such an asshole is that it's really good at setting up opportunities to accomplish multiple things at once; in this case, getting a security/data reviewing expert to help on a mission that needs it, and spending more time together to work out our not-relationship. Not that I object to spending more time with ART, exactly; I did agree to the employment contract for this mission. I just mean... I don't know what I mean. I haven't gotten any better at or more willing to talk about my feelings.)
Pin-Lee and Gurathin had come along too; Pin-Lee had remained at New Tideland's station ring to work on some legal stuff with the University, while Gurathin had actually joined the crew aboard ART itself. However, Gurathin only talked to me when necessary for work; he may be an asshole but he keeps to himself and knows how to leave others alone. And I guess ART and Iris (who was mission commander) had briefed the rest of the crew about my preferred mode of social interaction (as little as possible); the mission was about 20% doing actual security monitoring and data analysis and 80% watching serials with ART. None of our humans got shot at and no-one ran headfirst into danger completely unnecessarily and required me to save them, so probably it was the best contract I'd ever been on. Definitely the best one since my memory was wiped.
That's why, as we returned to ART's berth on New Tideland station ring, I was in a good mood. Maybe even lulled into a false sense of security.
While ART was settling in for refueling and station downtime, Pin-Lee pinged me on the feed and asked me to meet her at a location that was near port, but not near the temporary quarters and offices she'd been using when we left. Curious, I checked out the room through StationSecSys (this wasn't hacking; ART had gotten me basic access privileges at the station as part of my job credentials for the mission) and saw that it was a medium-sized lecture hall, the kind commonly used by the University for specialty classes, with a large display screen in one wall and chairs arranged in tiers to face it. Why would Pin-Lee be in a teaching room? Also, there were a lot more cameras in this room than was typical for New Tideland, and a check of the room's maintenance logs showed that they'd been installed just recently. I checked the cameras and saw that Pin-Lee was already there, along with Seth and Martyn (Iris' parents; Seth was ART's usual mission commander) and Drs. Ratthi, Bharadwaj, and Volescu.
From Preservation.
What the hell?
I pinged ART on the feed and asked whether it knew what my humans were doing all the way out here in New Tideland, when they should all be home on Preservation (especially Volescu, who retired after that first disaster with Graycris). It didn't respond. For a normal bot-pilot, that might mean its attention was taken up by post-flight diagnostics or checking in with StationAdmin, but ART had more than enough capacity for doing both of those things, plotting a worm-hole course, and managing a couple brain surgeries in its MedSuite simultaneously. The silence was pretty damning.
ART, are you conspiring with my humans against me? I sent.
So suspicious! Just go see what Pin-Lee wants.
Yup, totally an admission of guilt.
The lecture room really was close to ART's berth; in the time it took for us to have that conversation I had already walked there. I pushed open the doors and said, “Why are you here?”
“SURPRISE!” they all shouted back at me, even though they must have known I'd see them lying in wait on the cameras. Ratthi also threw handfuls of confetti.
“The second anniversary of your coming to Preservation occurred while you were on your mission with ART. That's basically like your Citizenship Day, and we wanted to celebrate!” Bharadwaj explained. (On Preservation, they make a big deal out of the anniversary of the day that a person reaches adulthood and becomes a full citizen of the polity. It's like birthdays for other people – and I guess also for kids, in Preservation? I'm fairly certain Mensah's kids have had birthday parties in the time that I've been providing her security on Preservation. For adults, though, they celebrate Citizenship Day. Not that I ever expected any of this to be relevant to me, so I never paid attention to the details. Apparently this was a mistake.)
They had cake. They had party games. They had silly, uncomfortable party hats, which they all were wearing, and Ratthi even tried to get me to put one on. I emphatically did not put one on.
They also had a large, soft chair from Pin-Lee's personal quarters that I had taken a nice nap on before I left on the mission, tucked in an out-of-the-way corner of the room, and no one minded that I extricated myself as quickly as possible to go sit on it and watch media. So I guess I can't say the party was entirely planned without me in mind.
ART had been riding my feed heavily ever since I walked into the room, and it joined me in watching media. I was still annoyed with it for colluding on the surprise party, but also we'd left off this show on a mid-season cliffhanger and I wasn't so annoyed that I wanted to keep it in suspense. ART was listening to the humans' conversation too, and even participating sometimes, jumping in with witty comments. I was listening with half an ear as well, though I was mostly focused on my serial. It was really nice, actually – resting, watching my serial, and having the pleasant noise of their chatter wash over me. I'd rather get shot again than admit it, but I was enjoying my party.
When ART started telling them about my new insult collection, though, I had to start paying closer attention.
Pompous thunderwaffle, ART sent over the feed.
"It got that one from Overse!" Ratthi crowed triumphantly, like he could take credit for any of this.
"How about 'raggedy patchbasket'?" Volescu suggested, sounding way too happy about it.
I'll have you know my crew quarters were re-upholstered recently, ART retorted, equally cheerful.
The humans all chuckled at that, and I wasn't laughing, okay? My script sent an alert, but I had my somatic responses from my organic parts firmly under control.
"I like 'a few cycles short of an airlock'," Martyn said, picking one that I'd gotten from Sanctuary Moon. "That's basically Seth before he's had his morning coffee."
"You're a few cycles short of an airlock," Seth grumbled back, and that was when Iris, Gurathin, and several other humans from the mission arrived. I guess they'd taken longer to gather their belongings or otherwise finish up post-flight routines. Humans are pretty slow.
"Surprise!" Ratthi, Bharadwaj, and Martyn chorused again, even though they were definitely not surprising anybody this time. Ratthi and Bharadwaj went up to the door with extra party hats, which most of the new arrivals happily accepted. Gurathin, being allergic to fun, did not. He tried to step away but Iris, thinking fast, stuck out an arm to prevent him and Ratthi fixed the hat atop his head.
And that's where things went wrong for me. Something about the face Gurathin made right then.
My laughter-warning script raised a priority alert, but it was no help. I was already doing those weird, quiet, hiccup-y chest tremors. And then a couple things happened very fast:
- Ratthi and Pin-Lee both cut-off mid-sentence and turned to look at me. (I think ART passed on my alert, the traitor).
- Most of the other humans followed their cue.
- Gurathin, however, reached into his bag and brought a strange optical device (which I'd noticed in his luggage aboard ART – it had an obvious light source and camera lens – but, since it had a negligible power source and no feed connectivity I'd ignored it as some irrelevant weird human thing). He brought the device up to his face, and it emitted a small click, a flash from the light source, and a whirring noise as it slowly spat out a thin sheet.
That was enough time for me to get my breathing under control, and also I was almost more curious about Gurathin's device than I was upset that they were all looking at me (and that I'd lost Ratthi and Pin-Lee's bet). So I asked Gurathin, “What is that thing?”
“It's a camera,” Gurathin replied, taking the thin sheet out of the device with one hand and waving it gently in front of him. “Ratthi has a friend back at Preservation who researches historical visual technology as a hobby. This is a very ancient technique, but I thought it suited our purposes admirably and asked to borrow the model. It also means I win the bet,” he turned to address Ratthi and Pin-Lee — and damnit, I had been totally right that he was in on the bet! — “No digital storage. SecUnit can't delete film.”
“Good one!” Ratthi cheered. “I'm so glad I put you in contact with Sayeli.”
“No way that counts!” I protested. Gurathin had stopped shaking the thin square–film, apparently– and I could see on its surface a faint, blurry picture of me, rapidly becoming clearer. “It doesn't even store audio.”
“No, I'm willing to grant him victory,” Pin-Lee decided. “You can tell your expression well-enough.”
Gurathin turned back to me, the party hat's glittery streamers flaring out a bit with the motion. “We can't make any more physical copies of this without Sayeli's specialized equipment, and if you ask me to, I will destroy the original. But I think Dr. Mensah would enjoy seeing it, so would you be okay with me holding on to it until we get back to Preservation and I can show her?”
(ART put in, You also could have asked me to store the video from the rooms' cameras, SecUnit can't delete my archives.
And Ratthi replied in the feed, That would be cheating!
Sometimes, I really love my humans.)
(Even though ART definitely has the video stored anyways, that pompous thunderwaffle.)