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I will hold my head up high, you will never see me cry, I'll smile and say I'm good, but I would fall apart if I could
The rain hammered down on the awning that sheltered them from the storm, but it was nothing compared to the storm that raged through Kurt. He wasn’t sure how he had come to this. The inability to breathe without feeling like he was going to pass out, the chaos of emotions battling for dominance within him and unsure which one to side with.
When had he started fighting for his sanity?
God, he couldn’t wait for this to be over.
“Have you noticed how exhausting it's been…ever since you moved back in? The other day, we got into a three-hour fight because I used a towel to wipe off my mouth while there was still toothpaste on my face.”
“Well, how is someone else supposed to use it when you leave it like that?” Blaine asked, but Kurt could hear the waver in his voice, the uncertainty, and he hated being the cause of it.
“Living together is supposed to be a trial run for the rest of our lives and I have to tell you, I think we are failing it.” There’s a bite to his tone. They were more than failing at it, and Blaine must have felt it too.
“Thank you for finally saying something truthful. Where's that guy been? Huh? Where have you been? You've been completely aloof and totally remote and distant. It's like I don't even know you anymore. I feel like you're just silently judging me. What do you even want anymore? Do you even want this wedding? Do you even want to marry me?”
The words hit Kurt like a knife to the chest. Here was an opening to grasp, a way to just make all the pain stop.
“Maybe I don't!” Kurt felt the bile rise at the back of his throat the minute the words left his mouth. He knew it was the right thing to do. He couldn’t hurt Blaine anymore.
Blaine didn’t deserve it.
He didn’t.
I'm inside out shot through the center, feel the scar of where you entered, took my life and turned it upside down.
“What changed? Was it something that I did? Because… because you know… I love you. I love you so much. And I-I know that we can make this work…” Kurt saw that the minute his fateful words had left his mouth, the heartbreak and the tears had wavered and spilled down Blaine’s cheeks, leaving sad little trails behind them.
He could feel his own tears biting at the back of his eyes, burning to be released, but he willed them back. He couldn’t break in front of Blaine.
Never again.
He breathed out, “I love you, too. But w-we're kids. Look… we had a great run, but let's... just call it quits before we completely hate each other.”
There was a moment of silence. A stifled sob. Then Blaine looked up, tears spilling over as if he could no longer contain them. A single sentence left his lips as he rose and stood from the table.
“I will never forgive you for this.”
Kurt watched as Blaine retreated. He was heading back to the loft. If Kurt gave him a head start, he might make it out of there before Kurt returned. Kurt could give him that escape.
The lump that had taken up permanent residence in his chest began a journey upwards, clogging Kurt’s throat and causing the tears he did his damndest to hold back to fall down his cheeks unheeded.
“Do you even want to marry me?”
I'm burned to ashes split down the middle, If anyone asks it hurt just a little, I died inside the day I let you go, but I will never let you know... All this time the sky was light, they say that the moon don't shine, it's just a light from a star, well maybe that's the way we are
Blaine was blinded by the tears that tumbled down his cheeks as he rushed from the restaurant. How could Kurt simultaneously tell him he loved him and in the next breath end their relationship, their engagement, call off the wedding they had barely even begun to plan?
End the life that Blaine had been so excited to begin with him?
Blaine had it all planned out. Marriage, successful careers, and babies for him and Kurt to love on; live, love and laugh all the way to old age. There’d be arguments, disagreements – with two people such as he and Kurt, how could there not be? They were both so strong willed.
Blaine shook his head and rubbed a hand over his eyes, unsure where his tears ended and the rain cascading down from the sky began. It was funny how, for the first time, he understood all those romantic comedies that compare breakups to storms. He was living in one now.
The journey back to the loft was quick.
The way he was breathing, he knew he must have run at least part of the way. He didn’t bother to take his coat off. There was a YMCA not too far from NYADA. He would go there. He couldn’t ask Kurt for shelter. He didn’t want to ask Kurt for shelter.
He didn’t want anything more from Kurt. All he ever got was heartbreak anyway.
I'm inside out shot through the center, feel the scar of where you entered, took my life and turned it upside down.
Packing his bags hurt the most.
Or maybe it was when he moved to the nightstand and saw the picture of him and Kurt in Kurt’s senior year. It was funny, only the other night Kurt had teased him about how he could pinpoint that exact moment in their relationship. When Rachel was singing ‘Without You’ to Finn, during Mr Schue’s proposal week…
How could Kurt so fondly recall one of the times he had felt the most loved and then, less than seventy-two hours later, make him feel the worst he had ever felt in his life?
Was he missing something? He had to be. But then, it was Kurt “no one pushes the Hummels around” Hummel, so… maybe he had just misread everything.
He emptied his messenger bag onto the bed and began repacking all the items, stopping when he realized he had Kurt’s journal. He flipped through it; what he was looking for he didn’t know. Maybe a “Break Blaine’s Heart” in today's notes, but nothing. The journal was barely used, just lots of essay deadlines and a few random scribbles.
And then one date caught his eye.
Surrounded by hearts was May 10th, 2014 – the day they had planned to get married.
Blaine sat on the bed and stared at the journal. Kurt must have loved him to do this. The last time he’d seen anything like this was before they’d even gotten together, when he’d accidentally caught Kurt drawing a heart with their initials in it.
God Blaine had been so oblivious back then.
He tossed the journal aside and shook his head. He could feel the ghost of their happy memories around the apartment, could see the study area Kurt and Rachel had painstakingly built for him.
Nothing made sense.
I'm burned to ashes split down the middle, If anyone asks it hurt just a little, I died inside the day I let you go, but I will never let you know
With his bags packed, Blaine scanned the loft for anything obvious he might have missed. He’d have to skip class one day and come back for the rest of his stuff.
Unwanted tears fell from his eyes as he looked around, seeing the ghosts he had felt earlier.
The wall Kurt had pressed him against the day he had first moved into the loft.
The kitchen where he had made breakfast in bed for Kurt most mornings.
The sofa where they had cuddled.
The bed they had made love on.
The loft they had danced and loved and sung their way around.
The floor they had fucked on when the need had arisen.
The place they had built a home together.
He could hear the echoes of their laughter and feel their love radiating from every corner like he was witnessing something that was not his, even if he could feel his heart shattered like broken glass in his chest. The shards pierced his veins with every beat.
I'm burned to ashes split down the middle, and if anyone asks it hurt just a little, I died inside the day I let you go, but I don't wanna let you know
When Kurt walked back into the loft two hours later, Blaine was long gone. But his memory, his smell, his very essence was built into everything there. Kurt could see echoes of kisses on the sofa as they pored over wedding magazines, could feel Blaine’s arms around him, whirling and dancing around the loft to blaring music as they practiced partner dances and songs for exams. Could feel Blaine’s hot breath on his neck as he pushed into Kurt when they made love.
Kurt surrounded himself with it.
Blaine would one day forget him. Would move on and love and be happy, without romance ever being tainted.
But Kurt would only ever be Blaine’s.
I cannot forget you, I will never let you know