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Ironically, Kim Dokja thinks, his life resembles a subway station quite a lot – with each train that arrived and departed reflecting his own, various feelings and thoughts.
Sometimes, he would board a train to a place of bliss and contentment, but more often than not, said train would take him to a place of agony and sorrow.
He would relive the feeling of being trapped inside the train, confined to his seat until it arrived at its seemingly unattainable destination.
And one night, he once again finds himself within the constraints of the carriage.
As he sits amidst his companions, trying to unwind on their thoroughly planned out movie night, he finds himself spiraling. Deep .
All it takes is a single scene featuring loud yelling and the phrase it's your fault , repeated over and over again.
The phrase is like a dagger to his heart, filling him with a suffocating sense of guilt and torment.
It reminds him too much of the people around him, and the repressed fear that they may lay the blame for their suffering at his feet. Though deep down, he knows that no one hates him for it, much less blame him for it, the thought of being responsible for their hardships is almost too much to bear.
As Kim Dokja struggles to break free from his excessive rumination, his body begins to betray him. He starts sweating profusely, and his breathing becomes erratic and labored.
All to such a degree that his companion sitting beside him notices his odd behavior. Despite this, he can't help but remain transfixed on the screen, unable to shift his gaze or shake off the suffocating weight of his thoughts.
As he feels sharp nails digging into his upper arm, a hushed voice reaches his ears, intentionally quiet to avoid arousing attention from the others.
"— Dokja?" the voice utters.
Yet, Kim Dokja remains unresponsive. The nails digging into his flesh intensify as someone moves closer to his side. Gradually, the speaker comes into his line of sight, and he barely manages to refocus his attention on her.
With an expression that's difficult to decipher, Han Sooyoung stares back at him, her brows furrowed.
"Hey, what's wrong?" she asks, unknowingly penetrating through his inner turmoil.
Han Sooyoung is intimately familiar with Kim Dokja's sudden bouts of spiraling since his release from the hospital.
She had encountered several instances of it happening albeit less intense when in her company. During these episodes, Han Sooyoung would try to soothe him and guide him with reassuring words though Kim Dokja would never build up the courage to voice his worries to her.
So when she looks at him expectantly, he knows she wants him to confide in her. However, up until this point, Kim Dokja had never willingly troubled others with his concerns and he isn't planning on starting now — so, he lies.
"Nothing. Nothing's wrong."
Belatedly he realizes, his response sounded embarrassingly anxious and most certainly in denial. He couldn't help but cringe inwardly.
Han Sooyoung unsurprisingly sees right through it, and unapologetically calls him out on it, "You fucking liar."
"I'm not lying."
Han Sooyoung visibly shifts with irritation for a moment but she seemingly doesn't want to push the topic any further as she throws herself back onto the edge of the couch while still eyeing him.
Kim Dokja feigns ignorance, settling back into his seat as well and directing his trembling gaze back to the large television screen.
Out of the corner of his eye, he catches a glimpse of Yoo Sangah watching the scene unfold and assumes there must have been a quick exchange of expressions between her and Han Sooyoung as the latter eventually stops burning her gaze into his side.
As he tries to suppress the emotions stirring within him, he realizes that ignoring them unsurprisingly won't make them disappear. His heart goes back to feeling constricted, the short relief in the form of Han Sooyoung's nails digging into his flesh and grounding him, long forgotten.
To make matters worse, the protagonist of the movie is now bearing the brunt of the blame, and Kim Dokja can't help but feel like the universe is mocking his pain.
This must be a joke , he thinks.
He knows he can't keep it together much longer. He can feel a chill creeping up his spine, and his body starts to tremble involuntarily. With each passing moment, his anxiety intensifies, and he feels like he could break down any second.
Kim Dokja hurriedly decides that he needs to remove himself from the situation immediately to gather his composure in the privacy of another room.
So, he stands up, and all eyes in the darkened room turn to him, which only serves to heighten his anxiety even further. Kim Dokja can feel the expectant gaze of the children, and he knows he needs to say something.
"Ahjussi?"
Kim Dokja tries to put on a brave face, but the smile that spreads across his lips feels fake and insincere. His eyes crinkle awkwardly, and he can't help but wonder if anyone besides Han Sooyoung could see through his facade at that moment.
"I'm — I'm going to get some water," he stammers, the words barely escaping his lips.
Kim Dokja rushes out of the room, hoping that no one noticed his shaking hand or the beads of sweat on his forehead. As he walks away, he can hear voices behind him, but he doesn't turn back to see who they belong to. He's too focused on trying to calm his frayed nerves.
Upon entering and locking his room, Kim Dokja walks towards his window and throws it open. Immediately a coolness fills his room with a soft rustling noise. With the cool breeze stirring his hair, the tension in Kim Dokja's shoulders dissipates slightly.
It's not enough , he thinks.
While these moments aren't unfamiliar to Kim Dokja, experiencing them in the company of his friends makes him feel vulnerable and exposed. It feels as if someone is holding him down and poking around behind his ribs where all his secrets are. This sensation makes him want to throw up or scream, or both.
It's in moments like these that Kim Dokja questions if anything has truly changed. Haunted by past memories, he often feels as if he's regressing back to his teenage and early adult years, only with the added comfort of friends who are like family.
But does having his companions by his side make a difference if he can't bring himself to confide in them?
Kim Dokja struggles with the idea of burdening them with his worries when he feels responsible for their hardships in the first place. Does he truly deserve their comfort when they're the ones who should be comforted?
His gaze soon falls upon the glass of water on his nightstand and he reaches out to pick it up, hoping it might calm his nerves.
But as he brings the glass to his lips, his senses seem to go into overdrive. The water is no longer cool - irritatingly tepid, even. He feels like he's suffocating; the lightheaded sensation in the pit of his stomach making everything spin around him. Everything is too bright, all the lights are on and they're burning him with their intensity, and it's enough to fully heighten his senses.
With that, he's hit with an overwhelming urge to lash out at himself, to do something – anything – to dull the sensations and quiet his racing thoughts.
Just then, a soft knock at the door interrupts his spiraling.
He refrains from responding, hoping the person would get the hint and leave. But the knocking only intensifies and he hears another person behind the door urging the knocker to calm down. The person outside doesn't stop though and keeps knocking, each thud rattling his already frayed nerves, and that –
– that was all Kim Dokja needed to confirm his suspicion about the person behind the door.
The knocking continues, growing louder and more insistent by the second. The pressure becomes too much to bear, and he uncharacteristically shouts out, "Shut up!"
The knocking stops for a moment, and he feels a sense of relief wash over him. But then something clicks, and his door swings open. Han Sooyoung enters his room with furious steps. In his doorway, he also sees Yoo Sangah, looking apologetic as she stays outside.
Kim Dokja can't believe his eyes. "What the fuck?" he asks, incredulous.
"What's wrong with you?" Han Sooyoung questions, her voice laced with anger as she grabs him by the collar.
Yoo Sangah's voice is barely audible as she tells Han Sooyoung to cut it out, but it falls on deaf ears. Kim Dokja feels a surge of anger at the intrusion and the violation of his personal space.
On other days, he wouldn't mind her barging into his room, but this was different. This was personal.
"What's wrong with me ? You're the one entering my room without permission, which I don't even remember giving you the code for."
"As if you didn't know," Han Sooyoung says, with a sardonic twist to her lips. "Everybody knows your fucking code."
Kim Dokja clenches his hand around the glass of water he was still holding, his temper flaring.
Wow, he thinks. They can't trust me to be alone with myself.
It's a bitter pill to swallow, and the confirmation only pushes him further over the edge. He grips Han Sooyoung's hand on his collar and pulls it away.
"Get out," he says curtly. "I'm tired."
At that point, Han Sooyoung should have taken the hint and left him alone, but something seems to drive her to keep pushing.
"You're a terrible liar, Kim Dokja. You don't even properly sleep, like, ever. Fuck. I don't get you. When are you going to stop avoiding your goddamn problems and talk to us? Seriously. You're going to rot away in your stupid bedroom at this point."
As Han Sooyoung's words hit him like a punch to his gut, Kim Dokja feels a surge of anger wash over him. He had braced himself for a lecture the moment he lied to her and left the living room, but the sheer bluntness of her words catches him off guard. He never expected her to beat around the bush, but this level of directness feels like a violation of his boundaries.
For a moment, he just stands there, struggling to reign in his emotions. The anger burns within him, threatening to consume him. He can feel his heart pounding in his chest, his breaths coming in short gasps.
Despite his best efforts to keep it under control, his voice trembles with emotion as he speaks.
"Don't cross your boundaries, Han Sooyoung. Just get out," he says, his tone clipped. "Please."
In truth, he isn't asking her to leave for his sake, but for hers. He can feel himself teetering on the edge of an emotional tipping point. If she doesn't leave soon, Kim Dokja is afraid he'll say or do something he'll regret.
But as she continues to speak, Kim Dokja can sense the shift in her tone, the slight quiver in her voice. For a moment, he wonders if she's about to apologize. But then she says the thing that everyone's been thinking, the thing that he's been trying so hard to avoid.
"— You know," she begins, slowly as if to emphasize every single one of her words, "you will never fucking recover if you keep going on like this, Kim Dokja."
The glass in his hand shatters.
Kim Dokja stands there, his hands shaking with emotion and his heart pounding in his chest. His mind goes blank. It was as if Han Sooyoung had reached inside him and ripped out his deepest fear, leaving it exposed and bleeding for all to see.
"You idiot!" Han Sooyoung's voice reverberates in the room.
Yoo Sangah is quick to rush to Kim Dokja's side and it must have been a disturbing sight, as Yoo Sangah's face goes pale upon seeing the blood on his hand.
The shards are embedded deep into his skin and he feels the blood trickle down his palm, yet he can't bring himself to care. It seems like the world falls completely silent around him.
Kim Dokja feels a familiar hand grip his shoulder, pulling him towards his bed. He recognizes it as Yoo Sangah's, but her touch feels distant and muted like it's coming from a different world altogether — like he's watching everything happen from a great distance.
"Dokja-ssi, please open your hand," she says, her voice trembling with fear.
He tries to comply, but his fingers feel heavy and unresponsive, refusing to obey his commands. He can see the worry etched on her face, and he wants to reassure her that he's okay, but the words won't come out.
He also can't see Han Sooyoung anymore, her figure disappearing from his blurred vision as he sinks deeper into a daze.
The once familiar sound of the television in the living room had faded away, replaced by a cacophony of voices approaching his room. His heart sinks as he realizes who it is.
They can't see me like this, he thinks. He won't be able to bear the fear in their innocent eyes.
Struggling to find his voice, he manages to utter a few words through his clenched teeth. "The door," he croaks out.
"The door?" she repeats as if she hadn't heard him correctly.
Kim Dokja's mind races, his desperation mounting as the voices grow louder. Please , he thinks, please do something .
And to his relief, she quickly seems to grasp what he wants her to do. Leaving his side for a few seconds, she shuts out the frantic voices approaching his room.
Once the door is closed, the room falls back into an eerie silence. Kim Dokja collapses onto the bed, his energy spent. He doesn't know what was going to happen next, and frankly, at this moment he doesn't know anything.
Kim Dokja closes his eyes, trying to shut out the world around him. Yet even in the darkness, the shards in his hand seem to glow, like a physical manifestation of his fears and the guilt he had been carrying inside of him. He feels the blood soaking into his bed sheets as he presses down with all of his remaining strength.
As he feels a soft hand lifting his arm and brushing back his sweat-covered bangs, he opens his eyes and tries to focus on the now returned Yoo Sangah's face, but it's hard to distinguish her features through the haze. He knows he shouldn't pass out, that he should stay awake and figure things out, but his body decides otherwise.
The weight of exhaustion pulls him down into the darkness, and he doesn't fight it. Kim Dokja hears her say something but he doesn't know if it's directed toward him or someone else.
As his consciousness fades away, he allows himself to lean into her touch and feel the weight of his exhaustion. He's comforted by her soft murmur of words that wrap him in a warm embrace, like a bittersweet lullaby that carries him into a peaceful slumber.
Ah , Kim Dokja thinks, I want to stay like this forever.
Kim Dokja's eyes flutter open, revealing a dull, throbbing pain that clouds his vision. He blinks and focuses on the white walls of the room he's in, trying to find something familiar. His hand, previously a bloody mess, is now swathed in a bandage and feels numb and heavy. Then his eyes land on the figure curled up on his hospital bed, sleeping soundly.
The first thing Kim Dokja notices is the black hair and the single horn on top of her head. Her bangs are pushed back, exposing her round, young face. The second thing he notices, though, is the thin layer of sweat covering every inch of her skin. A wave of panic courses through him and he realizes that she must have been running around all night long.
Because of you, his mind tells him.
As if sensing his attention, she stirs awake and blinks blearily, before raising her hand weakly to rub at her eyes. Kim Dokja can't see her exact expression, but it appears pained.
When her eyes finally focus on him, they widen with recognition and she quickly jumps up from her seat.
"Father!" she exclaims, relief etched in her voice.
"Biyoo-yah," Kim Dokja manages to say, his voice barely above a whisper.
He focuses on Biyoo's face. On her warm, dark eyes, filled with concern. She seems reluctant to touch him as if touching him would break him apart into pieces. He can't blame her, he doesn't know how much strength he has left to hold himself together.
He wants to reassure her – to tell her it will be alright and that everything is going to be fine. But even as he opens his mouth, no words come out. Not yet.
So, Kim Dokja pulls her into a hug instead. And it doesn't seem to bother her one bit, because she's quick to jump into his arms and burrow into his chest, clinging onto him tightly. His heart aches at the way she clings to him so protectively. As if he might disappear the moment she lets go.
She pulls away from him eventually and helps him sit up. Silence descends upon the two individuals but Kim Dokja doesn't particularly regard it as awkward, as they've always communicated more through actions than words. This time, it feels different though.
Kim Dokja can sense that Biyoo is waiting for him to speak, to confide in her. And for a moment, he considers it – but ultimately decides against it. He isn't ready to talk just yet. It isn't something that will change overnight, or by any means soon. Biyoo knows this too.
"Sorry. I was just –," she pauses and shrugs helplessly.
Kim Dokja thinks it's not really fair to Biyoo to expect her to put aside her concerns about him after they've been through so much together. But right now, he can't think of anything better to do.
"Thank you," he interrupts her with a smile because he knows what she wants to say. He'll get there eventually. "My cute little Biyoo's grown up so much."
He reaches forward and ruffles her hair affectionately. She pouts at his phrasing but leans into his touch all the same, and Kim Dokja finds that it gives him some comfort.
He feels bad. For missing the kids grow up into the strong-minded teens they are now; for missing the time he could've potentially spent with them. Kim Dokja feels that he was supposed to take care of everyone and lead them through the dark times and yet he couldn't even do that much right in the end.
His thoughts are interrupted by the sound of the door opening and two pairs of shoes walking in. Beautiful long, white hair shuffles into his vision, followed by an entirely black-dressed person.
Oh god , he thinks. I need to get out of here.
Kim Dokja's heart races as he watches Lee Seolhwa and Yoo Joonghyuk walk in. His initial instinct is to hide under the sheets and pretend to be asleep, but he knows that he can't avoid them forever.
"Dokja-ssi, you're awake," Lee Seolhwa says softly as she approaches his bed. "How are you feeling?"
Kim Dokja pushes aside the anxiety that threatens to overwhelm him. "I'm okay," he replies, his voice hoarse.
Yoo Joonghyuk stands at the foot of his bed, his arms crossed over his chest as he stares at Kim Dokja with an unreadable expression. Kim Dokja feels a shiver run down his spine as he meets Yoo Joonghyuk's gaze, and can't help but wonder what he's thinking.
For a moment, the room is filled with silence as Lee Seolhwa checks over his patient chart, and Kim Dokja feels like he's suffocating. He wants to say something, anything to break the tension, but his mind is blank.
Lee Seolhwa looks up from her paper and quickly seems to sense his discomfort as she takes a seat on the edge of the bed. "Can you move your hand?" she asks gently.
"Ah, no. It doesn't hurt though, it just – feels numb, actually."
At that statement, Lee Seolhwa's face grows even more concerned.
"I'll be fine," he finally says, hoping to take away some of her worries.
Yoo Joonghyuk snorts at this, and Kim Dokja can feel his irritation rise at the reaction.
"You caused quite a scene," he finally says, his gaze unwavering.
Kim Dokja winces at the harsh tone of his voice. He knows he messed up, but he doesn't need Yoo Joonghyuk out of all people to call him out on it.
He clears his throat. "I'm sorry," he manages to say. "I didn't mean to cause any trouble."
"Dokja-ssi," Lee Seolhwa begins but Yoo Joonghyuk rudely talks over her.
"You're still not getting it."
"Look," Lee Seolhwa says, placing a hand on his arm. "We're not here to scold you. But there's something you need to understand."
Kim Dokja raises his head at that, wondering what he could possibly need to understand.
"You haven't caused us any trouble, Dokja-ssi – in fact, the only trouble you're causing is the fact that you're not talking to us."
"Ah," he says softly, more to himself than anyone else because he's lost on how to respond to that.
Lee Seolhwa leans forward, her gaze intense. "We can't help you if you don't talk to us."
Yoo Sangah must have told them about what had transpired between him and Han Sooyoung, then.
Kim Dokja doesn't know what to say, so he remains silent. He supposes Lee Seolhwa knew he wouldn't respond right away, so she tries a different tack. "I know it's difficult, but we would rather have you try, at least."
She smiles warmly. It looks like the sun itself is shining down on her.
She makes some final scribbles on her chart and slowly stands up, as if her job here was done. As she walks towards the door, she slightly turns back to look at him one last time.
"You should sleep. And Joonghyuk-ssi, don't keep him up for too long, will you?" she smiles gently, before leaving the room, closing the door behind her.
The moment it clicks shut, Yoo Joonghyuk lets out a sigh and falls onto the chair beside his hospital bed and waits. He waits and waits, not uttering a single word.
Kim Dokja isn't sure whether he's understanding the situation correctly but nevertheless, he follows Yoo Joonghyuk's unspoken instruction.
"Biyoo-yah, can you wait outside for a while?" he says as he ruffles her hair gently.
Biyoo, snuggled up comfortably next to Kim Dokja by now, observes the tense exchange between him and Yoo Joonghyuk, quickly grasping the situation. With a small nod of her head, she crawls out of his arms without further ado. Before she leaves though, she shoots a glance at Yoo Joonghyuk, who appears unfazed by her stern gaze. His eyes remain fixed on Kim Dokja, staring him down with intensity.
The room is now silent except for the faint sound of Biyoo's footsteps as she walks away.
Kim Dokja glances towards the door before turning his attention back to Yoo Joonghyuk. The man was simply too enigmatic for Kim Dokja, so it was impossible to know what was going on in his head.
Yoo Joonghyuk finally breaks the silence, his voice low and serious. "For someone so capable of taking care of others, you suck at doing the same for yourself."
Kim Dokja is momentarily stunned and thinks he's misheard. Without giving it much consideration, he quickly shoots back. "That's quite the statement coming from someone like you, Yoo Joonghyuk."
Unlike what he assumed his reaction would be, Yoo Joonghyuk stays calm. Kim Dokja doesn't know if this is the calm before a potential storm so, he turns away and breaks eye contact.
Yoo Joonghyuk continues, "You need help, Kim Dokja."
"Hey –"
"You need actual professional help. If you're not going to talk to us, you need to talk to someone else."
It takes a second before the words register with him, but once they do, it only serves to anger him further. He wants to tell Yoo Joonghyuk that he doesn't need any help and especially doesn't need anyone's help. He wants to tell him that he can handle everything by himself because he's done it since forever.
But all he manages to say is, "I don't see how this concerns you."
Yoo Joonghyuk scoffs as if he'd just heard the most ridiculous thing ever. He doesn't say anything in reply, leaving Kim Dokja to figure it out himself.
And deep down, Kim Dokja knows that Yoo Joonghyuk is right. He's played with the thought of seeing a professional for a very long time but he never gathered up the courage to actually do so.
It's frightening – it's basically a confirmation that there is something wrong with him and that he needs to be treated or else he'd be stuck in this never-ending cycle of spiraling.
"There's nothing wrong with you," Yoo Joonghyuk says, almost as if he can read Kim Dokja's thoughts.
Yoo Joonghyuk was rarely ever so forthcoming with his words, so it's clear to Kim Dokja that he feels strongly about what he was saying, as if it was crucial for him to get this message across.
"What about you?" Kim Dokja asks, his voice shaking. "You need help too. We're not that different from each other."
And Kim Dokja doesn't mean to phrase it the way he does, but oh well.
As if it was a question he was anticipating, Yoo Joonghyuk responds in a quick and casual manner.
"Unlike you, Kim Dokja, I talk to those around me."
And, oh, Kim Dokja thinks, you know to hit it where it hurts, you asshole.
Kim Dokja had always prided himself on his self-reliance, on his ability to handle whatever life threw his way without the help of others. But as he sits there, face to face with Yoo Joonghyuk, he realizes that this belief has possibly been holding him back this entire time.
It might have been selfish of him to think that he could do all of this alone; he certainly wouldn't want anybody else to shoulder all the burden that he shoulders.
He looks up at Yoo Joonghyuk, who watches him with an intensity that makes him feel exposed. It's clear that he's invested in his well-being, and that thought alone is enough to make Kim Dokja's heart ache.
What kind of person would he be, if he can't even muster up the courage to try and get better? So, he makes a decision.
The silence stretches between them and finally, Kim Dokja speaks, his voice hesitant but determined. He isn't sure if this was the right way to – it might even be the worst, but he wouldn't figure it out until he tried.
"I think," he begins, "I think, maybe – I need help too."
Kim Dokja's confession hangs in the air, heavy and laden with the weight of vulnerability. And then, he's taken by surprise.
Yoo Joonghyuk's gaze softens as he hears Kim Dokja's words, the same eyes he gives Yoo Mia, when she's in need of her big brother's affection.
Without a word, Yoo Joonghyuk reaches out and places a hand on Kim Dokja's head, a gesture of comfort and support. It's a small gesture, but it speaks volumes about the depth of his concern.
"That's okay," he says, tenderly.
Suddenly, Kim Dokja feels a lump forming in his throat at those words, and he can't help the tears that well up in his eyes. He's never allowed himself to be vulnerable in front of anyone, let alone someone like Yoo Joonghyuk. But there's something about the man sitting next to him, with his hand on Kim Dokja's head, that makes it feel like it's okay to let his guard down.
As tears stream down his face, he struggles to find the right words to express the overwhelming emotions surging through him.
"I don't even know where to start," he confesses in a quiet voice.
"Then, we can start by figuring that out," Yoo Joonghyuk responds delicately. "You did well, Kim Dokja."
And true to his word, Yoo Joonghyuk remains steadfastly by his side.
After Kim Dokja's quick release from the hospital, Yoo Joonghyuk takes him back to the industrial complex, where his companions awaited his return. They'd prepared a brief gathering to welcome him back into their midst, and it worked wonders.
Kim Dokja feels grateful to be embraced by the warmth of their support once again. No one brings up the past event, and there is an unspoken understanding that he needs time to process everything that had happened.
However, there's one particular figure missing among them.
"By the way, where's Han Sooyoung?" he inquires, and the once-lively conversation suddenly comes to a halt.
Kim Dokja immediately regrets his question, realizing that he may have inadvertently touched a nerve. But it's too late to take it back now.
Seeing as though no one was willing to respond, Jung Heewon quickly jumps in. "Han Sooyoung, ah – she's busy with her classes."
The falseness of her words rings loud and clear but Kim Dokja decides not to push it. Instead, he nods along politely. "Ah – right. I see."
"But she'll be back," Jung Heewon adds quickly, as if to make sure Kim Dokja doesn't break down right then and there.
"Yeah."
His gaze drifts away from her. He doesn't want to cause any more tension or awkwardness than there already is and ruin the gathering they'd so carefully planned out.
He puts the question of her absence aside. It won't do him any good to dwell on something he can't control. Han Sooyoung is an adult who can make her own decisions and if she decides not to show up for their gathering then that's that. He has no reason to be disappointed over it. He doesn't.
Frankly, he doesn't know if he was ready to face Han Sooyoung just yet anyway. He supposes it's best to give it some time and let things settle down.
As the night goes on, he enjoys the laughter of his friends, finding solace in their company. He's content to sit there and watch as they talk amongst themselves, enjoying each other's presence. They all laugh so freely these days. It makes him smile – the way the people around him have found each other and make each other happy is what truly matters to him. They deserve that much – even more than he deserves it.
And slowly, as it keeps getting later and later, the living room takes on a different character. The once-lively room is overtaken by quietness, and though it isn't necessarily an unpleasant silence, it also isn't one that's very pleasant either. There are no television blares, no loud music, and barely any chatter. In fact, there's absolutely nothing.
The children had been put to bed hours ago, much against their protest - and for good reason. It was already three in the morning, so the only noise can be attributed to the steady ticking of the clock that sits in the corner of the room.
Kim Dokja's eyes grow heavy too, and he finds himself leaning against Yoo Joonghyuk, who must have moved to his side while he was spacing out. Yoo Joonghyuk gently puts an arm around him, pulling him closer. It seems comfortable somehow, and the warmth he radiates is a comfort he hadn't realized he'd been missing until now.
Wow , he thinks absently as he lets his head fall onto the man's shoulder, Yoo Joonghyuk is a good hugger.
Kim Dokja's tired now. His eyes are drooping and his thoughts are slow. It's nice, though, feeling safe and warm and – wanted , he thinks hazily.
It feels good, but he's also worried about tomorrow. Tomorrow will bring a new reality, a new set of responsibilities, and possibly a new set of troubles.
Yoo Joonghyuk must've sensed a shift in his body as he brushes his bangs aside and mutters a quiet, "Sleep."
So, feeling content wrapped up in his companion's arms, surrounded by the smell of dumplings and alcohol, everything else fades away, leaving nothing but peace in its place.
Han Sooyoung does, in fact, not return and Kim Dokja doesn't feel too good about it.
He messages her several times a day but gets no answer. Every other day he goes down to their usual cafe, looking for black, shoulder-length hair, only to find that she's never there either. His fingers hover over his phone as he wonders if he should text her again, but then they freeze as another message comes through.
He feels a brief moment of hope, only to have it dashed when he realizes the message isn't from her.
Yoo Joonghyuk:
Where are you?
It's a message Yoo Joonghyuk always sends him, when he leaves the complex; no matter how brief his absence is. He never really answers them anymore because Yoo Joonghyuk seems to be getting more and more irritated each time he leaves. Today, he feels like being nice though.
Kim Dokja:
why did u miss me
Yoo Joonghyuk:
No. Get back for lunch quickly.
That isn't exactly a request, and Kim Dokja sighs as he puts his phone down on the table. He's barely finished his coffee when he realizes he should probably head back before Yoo Joonghyuk starts asking questions.
It's not like Kim Dokja would have an easy time telling the other man that he was psychotically searching for Han Sooyoung because no one would tell him where she was. Maybe he could just say he got caught up with something and forgot about the time.
So, as he makes his way back to the industrial complex, he feels a lightheadedness creep in on him. The air is cool against his skin, but he can't help the shiver that runs through him at the sudden thought of never seeing Han Sooyoung again. He knows it's irrational. She's going to have to come back, eventually. She does, right? Jung Heewon had said so herself. And if she doesn't –
He tries to shake away that line of thought. Now is definitely not the time for his head to be filled with such thoughts. Not when he's almost arrived back at the complex and knows he's about to encounter Yoo Joonghyuk any second. Kim Dokja's been acting weird and fidgety all morning, so he's not positive that Yoo Joonghyuk's going to let him off easily.
Once he enters the elevator, he tries to breathe slowly, focusing his attention on taking in deep breaths. In and out, in and out.
He's fine. Everything's okay. Everything will be okay. Han Sooyoung will most definitely return. But what if –
The elevator doors open, and as if having sensed that something was wrong, Yoo Joonghyuk stands there, waiting in front of their door.
"Yoo Joonghyuk?" he asks, taken aback. "You scared me."
The man doesn't respond, only standing there staring at him. Kim Dokja feels very, very exposed. It's almost like a stranger is staring back at him, but not quite. Not quite, but definitely close enough to make him uncomfortable.
Kim Dokja swallows thickly. "Hey, you're scaring me," he says.
Finally, Yoo Joonghyuk's mouth moves, forming some words that don't make sense in Kim Dokja's ears.
"You look like a corpse," he states.
And, what? What's that supposed to mean?
Yoo Joonghyuk walks up to him and swiftly grabs him by his arm to drag him toward their kitchen.
He wants to protest and complain about his comment, but his limbs feel weak, and the only thing he manages to do is follow along without resistance. If anything, his legs seem to have gone numb as well, and he's not sure if he even has any control over his own body anymore.
So, he lets Yoo Joonghyuk drag him through their floor, lets him push the door to the kitchen open with more force than necessary, and lets himself be pulled inside.
"Sit down," Yoo Joonghyuk says, motioning towards one of the chairs at the table. And while he prepares Kim Dokja's food, he begins to speak in a low tone as if they're sharing a secret conversation.
"Start talking."
Kim Dokja sits stiffly on his chair. He can feel eyes on him but he refuses to meet them. Yoo Joonghyuk knows where he's been and what he's been doing – he always does. And now he wants to hear Kim Dokja say it.
"What should I talk about?" his voice is quiet and hoarse.
Yoo Joonghyuk places the bowl full of food in front of him and pours him a cup of water. Then, he slides into the seat across the table, folds his hands together, and looks right at him. His eyes are so dark they look black.
"Eat."
As Dokja takes a few spoonfuls of the rice, he feels something cold and heavy settle in his stomach. There's an unspoken pressure hanging over them that makes it hard for him to swallow. Yoo Joonghyuk is staring at him like he's expecting some sort of confession.
It's not that Kim Dokja doesn't have anything to tell him; it's just that there are no words for the things running through his head right now that could possibly describe how he's feeling.
He clears his throat. The least he could do right now is to try and communicate his feelings to Yoo Joonghyuk. Just as Kim Dokja had promised he would.
So, Kim Dokja swallows another mouthful of rice, closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath.
"I'm afraid."
Yoo Joonghyuk's eyebrows rise.
"Of what?"
"Of," Dokja pauses for a moment. He can feel Yoo Joonghyuk's eyes watching him intently. "Of Han Sooyoung not returning."
It sounds so silly in his own ears when he says it out loud. But that doesn't stop him from saying it.
He's not sure if he should keep talking. Or if he wants to keep talking.
Eventually, Yoo Joonghyuk breaks the silence.
"If there's one thing about that fool named Han Sooyoung," he begins, and Kim Dokja is afraid of what he's going to say next.
"It's the fact that she loves you enough to not disappear from your life, ever."
There is a hint of a smile on his lips, suggesting that he thinks that his worries are irrational, unreasonable even.
And Kim Dokja –
Kim Dokja feels himself crumbling at those words.
His eyes grow misty and his body trembles as tears threatened to spill over. He doesn't know why he's crying, but the urge to grips him like a vice and doesn't let go.
Out of the corner of his blurry vision, he sees Yoo Joonghyuk leaving his seat and crouching down in front of him. Yoo Joonghyuk doesn't say anything as he puts an arm around Kim Dokja to pull him into a loose embrace and lets him cry into his shoulder.
From where Kim Dokja leans into his chest, he can feel the steady beat of Yoo Joonghyuk's heart. It's like the reassuring beating of a drum that echoes through his entire body.
Kim Dokja tightly holds onto the back of Yoo Joonghyuk's sweater with both hands. He sobs quietly, but it was clear to both of them that his tears weren't because of sadness. It was relief he felt.
After a short while, when Kim Dokja finally barely gets all his tears out, Yoo Joonghyuk gently places one hand on the other man's lower back, rubbing small circles in an attempt to calm him down. Kim Dokja lets out a small giggle at the gesture and Yoo Joonghyuk momentarily pauses before he continues the soothing motion.
"Kim Dokja," Yoo Joonghyuk warns lightly, though there's no malice behind it. "You haven't finished your food yet."
And at that, Kim Dokja loses it. His shoulders shake with each peal of laughter and soon, his entire body shakes in Yoo Joonghyuk's grip as he doubles over.
It's the most hysterical thing Yoo Joonghyuk has seen in a long time – well, maybe not the most hysterical, but definitely something close to it. But there's no trace of annoyance on his face. On the contrary, Yoo Joonghyuk finds himself smiling fondly along with the other man.
Oh, Kim Dokja thinks, does he not think I've officially gone crazy? Because who in their right mind has three different emotional outbursts in the span of twenty minutes?
Yoo Joonghyuk pulls off his arm from where he had placed it around Kim Dokja's back and grabs the half-empty bowl in front of him. Kim Dokja, who's calmed down by now, feels his stomach rumble at the sight of his unfinished food that had been waiting for him on the table, being brought away.
"I was actually gonna eat that," Kim Dokja remarks, his tone laced with nothing short of fondness.
Without missing a beat, Yoo Joonghyuk stands up and heads straight to the counter. Kim Dokja watches in surprise as Yoo Joonghyuk fills his bowl back to the brim, as well as grabbing an extra one for himself.
And Kim Dokja thinks he could start bawling again at the delicious smell that envelopes their kitchen.
Before he notices, Yoo Joonghyuk is back and pulls out the chair next to him rather than across from him and sets down their bowls on the table. With the softest expression Kim Dokja had ever seen on the man, Yoo Joonghyuk hands him over new chopsticks and faces him.
"Let's eat, Kim Dokja."
Yoo Joonghyuk and Kim Dokja grow closer with each passing day, and more importantly, they get used to each other's presence in their lives. By now, they're completely in sync with each other, anticipating each other's needs before they're even spoken. Yoo Joonghyuk is always there, whether it's to make sure Kim Dokja has something to eat or to offer him a gesture of comfort when he's in need of reassurance.
Their relationship doesn't go unnoticed by the others at the company either – Lee Jihye, in particular, seems to take great pleasure in making sly remarks about their closeness and she's not subtle about it at all. She openly makes it known that they're close in every possible way and does her best to make the entire situation awkward for them, as though that is something that should be a given with how much they stick to each other.
And one morning, as Yoo Joonghyuk and Kim Dokja get the children ready for school, Lee Jihye once again can't resist poking fun at them.
"Have they decided to confess their undying love for each other?" she asks Jung Heewon, who's sipping her morning coffee.
At that, Heewon snorts and shrugs her shoulders in response.
Kim Dokja, who's in the middle of braiding Yoo Mia's hair, rolls his eyes.
"We can hear you, you know," he says, giving Lee Jihye a pointed look.
Lee Jihye sticks out her tongue, seemingly unapologetic. Yoo Mia, in his lap, laughs at her antics and continues to tell her big brother, sitting next to them about what they're supposed to do this weekend after their exam season passes.
Yoo Joonghyuk, who's fondly been watching over the two of them, listens to his sister's excitement while he checks the time on his phone.
"Ahjussi, you've been braiding my hair for five minutes now! We're gonna be late," Mia whines, tugging on his hand.
At that, Kim Dokja laughs, "We'll make it, Mia-yah, don't worry."
The small girl looks up with a pout on her face but she lets him finish tying off the braid. Once he finishes, she runs off to the nearest mirror and admires her new hairstyle. Then she smiles brightly at him.
"You did great, Ahjussi!" she shouts before grabbing her backpack and running out of the door, where Shin Yoosung and Lee Gilyoung were already waiting for her.
Along with growing closer to Yoo Joonghyuk, he naturally also spent more time with Yoo Mia. And surprisingly, she warmed up to him quickly once he got her to stop calling him 'ugly ahjussi'. Yoo Joonghyuk thought of it as hilarious but Kim Dokja, not so much.
As Yoo Joonghyuk double-checks their vicinity, making sure that the kids hadn't forgotten anything, Kim Dokja admires the way the man's brows furrow in concentration.
They've been spending so much time together, taking care of the children and running errands for the company that it has become a routine for them. It's comforting, to know that Yoo Joonghyuk is always there, for him to rely on.
Despite the teasing from their companions, Kim Dokja can't deny the warmth that he feels in his heart whenever he's around the other man. Yoo Joonghyuk isn't one for words, and frankly, neither is Kim Dokja, so they both convey their emotions for each other through actions.
As Yoo Joonghyuk finishes what he's doing, he turns to Kim Dokja with a small smile. "I'll be leaving then," he says.
Kim Dokja nods, feeling a flutter in his stomach as he stands up from the couch to wave the kids goodbye. He walks over and simultaneously gives the three of them a hug.
"Have fun at school!" he tells them. He hears their loud cheers as they disappear into the elevator and he closes the door to their floor behind him.
"How's married life working out for you?" someone asks and it's Jung Heewon, teasingly poking him in the ribs. It takes Kim Dokja a minute to register that she's talking to him .
He gives her his best what are you even talking about face and replies, "There's something you're misunderstanding, Heewon-ssi."
She laughs at his response and it sounds like bells ringing.
"Yeah, alright," she says and disappears back into the living room.
Kim Dokja gets why misunderstandings have been happening amongst the companions – their lives were basically synced to the smallest detail. From preparing the children for high school every day to Yoo Joonghyuk walking Kim Dokja to his therapist's office – from an outsider's point of view, it sure could be misleading.
And when Yoo Joonghyuk finally got ahold of a suitable therapist for him, it was a daunting prospect for Kim Dokja, who had never willingly sought out help before. But Yoo Joonghyuk's steady presence beside him gave him all the strength he needed to keep going and take the step forward.
His therapist is a surprisingly warm and understanding presence. She has lived through the apocalypse as well, and that gives her a unique perspective on the world. It's a relief for Kim Dokja to talk to someone who can partly understand the weight of what he has been through.
But it's not an easy process. Some days, Kim Dokja feels so drained that he can barely speak – and other days, he has so much pent-up emotion that he doesn't know where to begin. But his therapist is patient and kind, always ready to listen and offer him guidance.
And Kim Dokja finds out he isn't alone in his journey. He discovers that both Jung Heewon and Lee Hyungsung also have the same therapist and that knowledge brings him a lot of comfort – to know that they are all going through this together.
Slowly but surely, Kim Dokja begins to see changes in his life. Bad days are still a constant thing in his life but he learns how to cope with them. And when he feels himself on the verge of spiraling, he has companions he can turn to. They never mind; in fact, they are happy that he trusts them enough to finally confide in them.
As his appointment with his therapist was rescheduled for another day, he decides that for today, he'll rest a bit, before Yoo Joonghyuk returns and drags him off to somewhere.
As he's walking through the hallway though, he hears voices coming from Yoo Sangah's room. A quite familiar one at that. So, he pauses, listening to see what they're saying. He's not one to eavesdrop, nevertheless on someone like Yoo Sangah but -
Why would she not tell him that Han Sooyoung was visiting today?
As he leans more toward her door, hoping to catch a few words, he hears his own name in the passing which surprises him a little bit. But then again, Yoo Sangah would probably be the first person to bring up his name when she was with Han Sooyoung, in hopes of finally reuniting them.
Kim Dokja can't really decipher what they're talking about and he wonders whether he should go back, or just pretend he didn't hear anything at all. He takes a step backward, deciding not to listen anymore when the next words are spoken.
"Dokja-ssi, you should come in," Yoo Sangah says:
Fuck, he thinks, I was stupid to think she wouldn't notice.
Embarrassed to have been caught, he pushes her door open to reveal a wide-eyed Han Sooyoung who looks just as disheveled as he feels. So, she hadn't seen this coming either.
"Looks like it's time for me to go," Han Sooyoung says, picking up her notebook from the desk where she had left it.
Yoo Sangah doesn't seem to want to let her go, however. "Stop being a child," she scolds. "You two need to talk this out."
But Han Sooyoung has already made up her mind. "Whatever. I'll talk to you later," she says to Yoo Sangah, heading towards her door without so much as a glance in his direction.
He knows that this might be his only chance to talk to her and that he can't let her leave without trying. So, with a sense of urgency, he reaches out and grabs her wrist.
"Han Sooyoung," he says, his voice filled with desperation.
She doesn't turn around, but he can see her shoulder shaking slightly. He guesses that she's trying to keep her emotions in check just as much as he is at that moment, but he can also sense a certain fear emanating from her.
"Please, just talk to me," he pleads.
"There's nothing to talk about," she says, trying to pull her wrist out of Kim Dokja's grasp.
Yoo Sangah quickly uses her chance to slip out of the room and close the door behind her, allowing them both to have privacy.
Kim Dokja holds on tighter. "I'm sorry," he says firmly. "Let me fix it."
At that, Han Sooyoung turns around, her eyes flashing with confusion. "Fix what?" she asks, her voice betraying a hint of vulnerability.
Kim Dokja's throat tightens as he struggles to find the right words. He knows that he's hurt her deeply and that he needs to make amends. But the weight of his guilt makes it hard to articulate his thoughts.
He takes a deep breath and tries again, "I know you just wanted to help. I'm sorry for pushing you away."
Han Sooyoung's expression falters, a hint of disappointment creeping in.
"Is that really what you think?" she asks.
Kim Dokja feels a pang of confusion. "Isn't it?" he questions, unsure of what else it could be.
Han Sooyoung lets out a humorless laugh. "You really don't get it, do you?"
At his confused silence, she continues. "Kim Dokja, am I that untrustworthy to you?"
Kim Dokja feels a wave of guilt washing over him as he realizes what she's getting at.
Ah , he thinks, I've let my fears get in the way of our friendship.
He searches for the right words to say, but they seem to escape him. He wants to explain the reason for his behavior, and how he was struggling but he doesn't know where to start. Instead, he stands there, feeling helpless and ashamed.
Han Sooyoung looks at him for a moment, her expression laced with disappointment. "I knew it," she says.
She turns away from him. "Do you think it was easy for us to watch you lock yourself away in your room with no idea of your well-being because you wouldn't talk to us?"
He feels ashamed, like a child being ridiculed by someone he loves dearly. He lowers his gaze, unable to meet Han Sooyoung's eyes. The disappointment in her voice stings, and he wishes he could take back the actions that have led to this moment. He'd been fearful, so fearful, he had let it cloud his judgment, which eventually resulted in pushing away someone who's been nothing but supportive of him.
Kim Dokja looks up at Han Sooyoung with a deep sense of remorse. He knows he has hurt her deeply, and the thought of losing her trust over this is unbearable for him.
"I'm sorry."
Han Sooyoung's expression doesn't change a bit at his words, and for a moment, he loses all of his remaining hope to repair their broken relationship.
"This isn't something that can be fixed overnight, Kim Dokja," she says, sounding defeated. "It isn't something that can be repaired with a few words or promises."
Kim Dokja feels a pang of regret at his impulsive actions. He was foolish to believe he could fix their relationship with only a few apologetic words.
Han Sooyoung regards him silently for a moment, her expression unreadable. Then, she lets out a small sigh and continues, "But I'm willing to try again, if you are."
Her voice is as clear as a bell in the quiet of the library. She smiles wryly when his face lights up like a sunflower. Kim Dokja's heart swells with hope.
"I am," he says, feeling a weight lift off his shoulders. "I want to."
She nods, seemingly satisfied. It seems as though she has regained some of her usual spirit.
"Kim Dokja."
"Hm?"
He stares back at her blankly as she turns away from him, heading toward the door.
"In this life, I want nothing more than to see you be happy, so," she takes a deep breath, "please just put your trust in me."
With that, she steps out into the hallway. He hears her footsteps fade and disappear down the stairwell, and the moment he is alone, all of his pent-up emotions come bursting out.
There's a part of him that wants to run after her, grab her by the shoulder and demand an elaboration – but honestly, he thinks he gets it. Droplets start running down his cheeks without warning and he wipes at them quickly with the back of his hand before they can drip onto his shirt collar.
He hears heavy combat boots entering the room but he can't bring himself to turn around, to let the person entering see him in this pathetic state.
A warm hand settles on his head, gently massaging his scalp like a cat. The touch brings even more tears to his eyes, as it always does when he's touched like this these days.
"You're gonna be okay," Yoo Joonghyuk says, as if he'd been listening to everything he and Han Sooyoung had talked about.
But he can't speak, can't say anything back right now because all he feels is relief, so much relief at the fact that for once everything in his life is looking up for him.
He finally doesn't have to feel afraid of trusting those around him anymore. He finally has the power to slowly trust them with his most vulnerable parts.
"I'm gonna be okay," he repeats over and over again, as if to manifest the phrase into reality.
Every disappointment and every regret has led Kim Dokja here, to this moment. So, rest assured, he won't let anything distract him from it.
The same day, Kim Dokja finds himself standing on the balcony with Yoo Joonghyuk by his side. As the sun sets, the sky transforms into a deep shade of purple, and the stars twinkle into existence.
"This is nice," Kim Dokja says and he means it.
For the first time in a long while, he is able to appreciate the peaceful moment and not worry about what's to come.
Yoo Joonghyuk turns his head towards Kim Dokja, and for a moment, Kim Dokja can't quite decipher the expression on his face. It's as if there are a thousand thoughts running through the other's mind, and he can't begin to fathom the weight of them.
Kim Dokja feels something strange in his chest. By now, he thinks of himself as an open book — to Yoo Joonghyuk at least. Everything that had transpired within him in these past weeks, he has shared with the other man. And yet, tonight feels different.
His heart beats faster than it should have, and there is no way for him to control it. Even though there are no words on his lips right now, he can still feel the heat from Yoo Joonghyuk's gaze.
The moonlight seems to reach outwards to make its way into Yoo Joonghyuk's eyes, making them sparkle in the starry sky above them.
Kim Dokja has seen many beautiful sights in his life, but seeing Yoo Joonghyuk like this, so radiantly content, is something else entirely.
There is a question at the tip of Kim Dokja's tongue, and suddenly all his senses scream at him to ask it. It's burning inside him, begging to be heard. Yet he's scared. Scared that whatever he would say might change the way things are between the two of them.
But, he takes a deep breath, and opens his mouth to speak anyway.
"Did," he begins, unsure of where to start. "—Did you know it would turn out like this?" he asks.
Yoo Joonghyuk stares up at the sky above and chuckles.
"Perhaps I did," he says, turning away from the sky to look back at Kim Dokja. There's a smile playing around his lips, and there is nothing Kim Dokja wants more than to see that smile directed at him forevermore.
"I'd like to figure out my ■■ too," Yoo Joonghyuk continues, leaning closer to him. "Can you guess what it entails?"
Kim Dokja swallows hard, sensing the direction this conversation is going, and shifts his nervous gaze to the floor "No."
"You're a fool."
Kim Dokja laughs, unable to stop himself at the bluntness of Yoo Joonghyuk's words, despite his nervousness.
"What you're saying implies that you're being selfish," Kim Dokja says, tilting his head to one side and grinning at him.
"Are you a selfish man, Yoo Joonghyuk?"
"Shut up," Yoo Joonghyuk mutters.
There is another low chuckle escaping from his lips, and he reaches out to hold Kim Dokja's cheek. His hand feels warm on Kim Dokja's face, warmer than it probably should have been.
"I guess I too want to be selfish, for once."
Yoo Joonghyuk's grip on his cheek tightens, and his thumb caresses the skin. His gaze darkens, and he stares at him intently.
For a second, there is a brief pause in which Kim Dokja wonders if he's misheard him. Surely, he must have misunderstood the meaning of those words. But Yoo Joonghyuk's thumb keeps stroking his skin, and every time he blinks, Yoo Joonghyuk's face becomes clearer, and clearer until it finally comes into focus.
His hair is falling across his forehead in a gentle wave. His eyes are shining brighter than the stars themselves. Yoo Joonghyuk looks ethereal, so beautiful, like a celestial being.
And Kim Dokja — Kim Dokja runs out of patience.
He closes his eyes and leans forward, feeling the other man's warmth radiating towards him, feeling him pressing against him, their breaths mingling. The world around them falls away until it's just him and Yoo Joonghyuk left. They stand together under the stars, staring at each other, waiting for — what, exactly?
He's afraid to find out, so he closes his eyes, waits for the other man to pull away, and waits for something. Waits for Yoo Joonghyuk to tell him he misunderstood and leave him alone.
But he doesn't. Instead, he pulls Kim Dokja closer until their chests touch, until the only thing left between them is the soft press of their lips. Then slowly, hesitantly, Yoo Joonghyuk presses harder until they're kissing passionately.
It's not long before Kim Dokja's hands move upwards to rest on his shoulders. He slides one hand behind his neck, gripping the fabric of Yoo Joonghyuk's collar tightly, and pulling him even closer.
It's better than any dream Kim Dokja has ever concocted in his mind, the taste of Yoo Joonghyuk, the scent of his cologne, and the sound of his voice. This is real, and Kim Dokja never wants it to end.
They part after what feels like hours. Their foreheads press together, and their bodies remain pressed against each other as well, both of them breathing heavily.
Yoo Joonghyuk smiles in a way Kim Dokja had never previously seen and he brushes their noses together, closing his eyes as he does so. Kim Dokja can't help but return the gesture, smiling wider than he's done in years.
"What a selfish man you are," Kim Dokja says leaning into the crook of the taller man's neck.
To that, Yoo Joonghyuk hums noncommittally and kisses Kim Dokja on the temple.
"It's getting cold," Kim Dokja complains in a tiny voice that makes Yoo Joonghyuk's eyes crinkle as if knowing what Kim Dokja is implying. And Kim Dokja can't help but feel the butterflies in his stomach flutter and jump madly.
"We should take a warm bath then," Yoo Joonghyuk whispers into Kim Dokja's ear.
And somehow, that single sentence makes his entire body heat up.
"Who said anything about we ?" he murmurs back with a smile, and closes the space between them again.
He finally wraps his arms around Yoo Joonghyuk's waist, burying his fingers in the sweater covering Yoo Joonghyuk's broad chest.
His chest feels soft, so soft against his fingertips, and Kim Dokja wants to sink deeper into the embrace. Wants to melt into this man. To fall asleep in his arms. To wake up beside him every day. Forever.
"Stop acting foolish," Yoo Joonghyuk sighs, resting his chin on the top of Kim Dokja's head. "Let me show you how selfish I can be."
He quickly finds himself in their massive bathtub with Yoo Joonghyuk seated right behind him.
Yoo Joonghyuk's hands are strong and capable, yet gentle as he washes Kim Dokja's hair. His scalp feels warm under the touch of those talented fingers, so he leans into them a little more every time they come to brush over it.
He loves how his body fits snugly against Yoo Joonghyuk's chest — a comfortable heat that makes him want to sink deeper into it — and how their legs are entangled together underneath the water.
As Yoo Joonghyuk rinses the shampoo from his hair, Kim Dokja turns around to face him. The two of them are so close that their noses almost touch, and Kim Dokja can feel Yoo Joonghyuk's breath on his lips. He looks at him for a moment before leaning in and capturing Yoo Joonghyuk's mouth with his own.
Is this the start of an addiction? , he questions internally.
The kiss is sweet, chaste, and almost too tender for the way they hold each other tightly. It feels like they've done this a million times by now.
It's a simple kiss, but it holds so much meaning. A promise of the future, or maybe, a promise of the past. Kim Dokja doesn't know — but what he knows is that he's never felt this content before.
When they pull away, Kim Dokja lets out a satisfied sigh and settles further into the tub. The bubbles surround him like a hug, and he closes his eyes, relishing the sensation.
It's been ages since he got to soak in a bubble bath without having to worry about whether his next paycheck would go through or not.
Yoo Joonghyuk leans down to press a kiss to his forehead and smiles softly.
"You're tired," he murmurs, brushing his hand through Kim Dokja's wet hair. "Let me take care of you."
Kim Dokja nods and hums contently when Yoo Joonghyuk gently rubs his back to coax him closer. As always, Yoo Joonghyuk is patient.
As their bath comes to an end, Yoo Joonghyuk helps Kim Dokja out of the tub and wraps him in a soft towel.
It takes only a few minutes for them to change into dry clothes, with Yoo Joonghyuk lending Kim Dokja his own clothes. They're much bigger on the smaller man's petite frame, but they fit well enough that no one would ever suspect anything – at least that's what he thinks.
So, while Yoo Joonghyuk prepares to dry Kim Dokja's hair with a hairdryer, Kim Dokja crawls into the other man's lap and snuggles against him like it's the most natural thing in the world. Yoo Joonghyuk doesn't comment on it, simply wrapping his empty arm around the smaller man in a comforting gesture.
As the hot air of the hairdryer blows up against Kim Dokja's neck, he feels himself get drowsy. It's not until he can't keep his eyes open any longer that he notices the way Yoo Joonghyuk's grip tightens around his waist.
His fingers trace circles along Kim Dokja's back and that makes him curl up in Yoo Joonghyuk's lap even more.
Kim Dokja wants to hold onto this moment forever. It's one of the rare times he gets to feel the sleepiness creeping up on him without any anxiety weighing on him at the same time.
Yoo Joonghyuk's thumb gently rubs over Dokja's exposed shoulder blade and he looks down at him fondly before closing his eyes, listening to the gentle patter of the rain on the window and Dokja's heartbeat beneath him.
And long before they both realize it, they find themselves drifting off to sleep, while holding onto each other.
As Kim Dokja slowly awakens from his slumber, he can hear the sound of a camera shutter clicking.
When he opens his eyes, he sees Lee Jihye and Uriel standing at the foot of their bed, capturing the moment on their phones.
He finds himself sprawled all over Yoo Joonghyuk's chest, holding onto him tightly as if he'll disappear if he lets go.
With an annoyed growl, he glances up and sees the two uninvited guests giggling and it takes a few more seconds for Kim Dokja to realize that they're taking pictures of them . Sleeping together.
"What the fuck?"
Kim Dokja tries to wriggle out from Yoo Joonghyuk's firm grasp but he just gets pulled back into place by the strong grip around his waist.
Groaning, he pushes himself upright as much as he can, rubbing his face in annoyance. "Seriously, guys. Don't you have anything better to do?"
But before Lee Jihye can respond or take any more pictures, Yoo Joonghyuk finally, finally stirs awake, causing Lee Jihye to shriek in surprise and quickly back away.
The girl is still clutching her cell phone in one hand, with a look of terror on her face, while she stares wide-eyed at Yoo Joonghyuk.
Yoo Joonghyuk is fully awake by now and fuming. His jaw clenches dangerously and he narrows his eyes menacingly.
"Master! We, uhm," she shrieks when she sees his reaction. "breakfast is ready!"
And with that, she turns on her heels and runs out of the room as fast as she can without actually running.
But Yoo Joonghyuk doesn't bother looking at her. The actual perpetrator, trying to sneak out unnoticed stops in her tracks when she hears her name being called.
"Uriel," Yoo Joonghyuk begins.
But Uriel doesn't stay long enough to listen to what he has to say as she quickly shoots another photo of them before turning tail and scurrying off down the hallway, her giggling still audible.
Once their room is empty, Kim Dokja relaxes back into Yoo Joonghyuk's arms, feeling content to be in this moment with him, even though their morning had been rudely interrupted.
He snuggles closer, feeling Yoo Joonghyuk's calm breath against his hair. "Hey," he mumbles, feeling slightly sleepy again. "Wanna take the kids to school together today?"
Yoo Joonghyuk chuckles and picks up his phone to check on the time. "Sure. If you can get ready in 10 minutes, that is."
Kim Dokja grunts, not quite awake yet but unwilling to sleep any longer. He shifts his position a little, turning on his side to face Yoo Joonghyuk.
Just as he's about to comment on his beautiful face, a voice that seems to come out of nowhere reverberates through their room.
"Ahjussi, we're gonna be late! And you haven't braided my hair yet!"
Yoo Joonghyuk seems to find this hilarious as he gets up with a laugh and walks towards the door, where Yoo Mia was politely standing, with a hair tie and a brush in her hands.
Even a child knows not to enter a room unsolicited , Kim Dokja thinks, with two particular people in mind.
"Go wake your ahjussi up, Mia-yah," Yoo Joonghyuk says, as he ruffles her hair and gives his sister the green light to enter their room.
Kim Dokja might be tired at this very moment, but he could never get tired of the people around him, he thinks and lets out a low chuckle.
Later that evening, the companions gather together, chatting casually and enjoying Yoo Joonghyuk's delicious food.
And surprisingly, with an additional presence that had been missing the previous few times.
As Kim Dokja is getting stuffed with food by Yoo Joonghyuk who doesn't seem to want to put the chopsticks down, Han Sooyoung enters his line of vision and slides a notepad in front of him.
"Here. Read it quickly," she says.
He looks up at her, confused. "What is it?" he asks, and the smile on her face turns into a sly smirk. It takes a few seconds for Dokja to realize what it is.
And oh, wow. Today seems to be his lucky day.
"Oh," he breathes, unable to stop himself from grinning, "you're kidding."
He reaches out slowly, hesitantly, his fingers touching the notepad. He holds it for just a moment before turning it around so that he can see the front page.
For Kim Dokja, it says.
And at that, he feels his emotions go haywire inside of him.
She suddenly seems distressed as she takes in his reaction and tries to calm him down. "Hey, hey, alright, take your time editing it. Jeez," she says, rolling her eyes fondly.
"Thank you," Kim Dokja says, his voice vulnerable and filled with gratitude.
She grins at his words and reaches across the table to pinch his cheek tenderly. Then she goes back to her own conversations with the others seated on the couch while Dokja opens the notepad.
He can sense Yoo Joonghyuk coming closer and he leans into his touch, craving the comfort, as he feels like he's back to being fifteen and encountering a book that would open a new chapter in his life.
Though it was quite ironic that Kim Dokja thinks of his life as a subway station — he ultimately embraces the fact that he no longer needs to board the carriages by himself anymore. There are people all around the subway station now – people who would get into the train at the same time as him and stay by his side, no matter where said train took him.
And with that, another train departs.