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As Lily’s quill scratched out her wedding vows, she heard a knock at the door. She wasn’t expecting anyone for almost three hours. She drew her wand and approached cautiously. Chances were, it was probably a friend stopping by to ask her a question about decorations, or offer some congrats and moral support for the upcoming big day. Still, you couldn’t be too careful with the way Death Eaters were prowling about nowadays…
When she carefully opened the door, she audibly gasped, and her mouth dropped open stupidly at the sight of who stood in front of her.
“S-severus,” Lily finally managed in a soft, surprised voice. The sight of him after all this time sent her heart and mind spinning. Anger, confusion, and sadness all hit her hard…but the inevitable tightening of her chest still remained; the tightness she physically felt from how much she still loved him.
Despite the animosity that had arisen between the two of them due to the paths they’d chosen, she knew she would never stop loving him. However, it did not mean she didn’t harbor resentment towards him.
“Lily,” was all Severus offered in response. He had changed so much. Lily felt her throat constrict at the way his face and eyes had become deadened. He’d always been reserved with his expression and demeanor, but years of knowing him meant Lily could still read him like a book. The slightest twitch of his lips or tightening of his eyes were often the only indicators. Immediately, she could see how the hatred, anger, and sadness had taken its toll on him. His carefully blank expression indicated how much he was pushing down.
“What are you doing here, Severus?” Lily asked quietly. She suspected it was no coincidence he’d arrived on her wedding day after years of not speaking.
“I have some things I need to tell you before you marry James. Once you marry him, I fear you may never be open to speaking with me again."
“You have a lot of nerve showing up today, of all days,” she fumed.
“I will not force you to speak to me if you do not wish to. However, you must decide quickly, as it is not wise for me to linger outside longer than necessary.”
She considered him for a moment. Her anger had flared when he proclaimed he needed to tell her things. Why now? He had so many opportunities before, and blew them. She’d tried to give him a safe space, stand up for him, be his confidant, but he had chosen a dark path instead of her. Had thrown away so many precious moments in pursuit of evil.
She did let him in, though, because no matter how much she hurt from his actions, Lily would always have a soft spot for Severus.
She stepped back from the door and allowed him to enter, his trademark black robes sweeping behind him. She knew she should be more cautious, more afraid, but fact of the matter was, she knew she was the one person Severus would never hurt. No matter how bitter they felt towards one another, she knew his feelings for her were too complex to ever bring harm to her.
Severus’s thoughts raced as he stepped into the small cottage. He hadn’t been prepared for the emotions simply laying eyes on her would bring back. He knew it would hurt, but he didn’t think it was going to be this much. He hadn’t truly even organized his many thoughts and feelings past a few sentences. He had expected her to slam the door in his face. ‘Was that what you expected? Or was it what you hoped, so you wouldn’t have to face this difficult conversation? So you could continue avoiding what may be the biggest mistake you’ve ever made?’ The sight of her white dress, hanging from a hook on the rafters, stopped him short. It made the reality of the entire situation hit him hard, he felt like he could scarcely breathe. ‘It will never be me, it never can…’ He forced himself to continue forward, pushing the pain down. As he had always done. Severus chose to sit with his back to the dress, and Lily sat across from him on the edge of the bed. He schooled his features into his well-rehearsed blank mask.
There was silence as they both took time to observe each other. They hadn’t seen one another for quite some time, and each noticed how the other had changed. Both of them had matured and grown into their bodies more. Lily noted that despite his hooked nose and the long, dark hair he was often teased for, Severus had grown into his features and become more handsome. His long hair suited him.
“You shouldn’t be here, Sev,” Lily sighed, “I have no interest in the Death Eater agenda you are a part of. I made it very clear, the last time we spoke, that I wanted nothing to do with you as long as you support that evil organization. I’m a member of The Order. You’re the enemy now.”
His face hardened at her words, and she instinctively knew he would most likely have a cruel retort. Instead, he took a steadying breath, and asked, “could we ever truly be enemies, Lily? There was a time when we wanted this wedding day to be ours.”
“Don’t you fucking dare bring that up!” Lily’s voice immediately rose as she stood in front of him, “We could have had this, but you made your decision, knowing what it meant for us."
“And James truly loves you?” Severus asked with a sneer.
Severus was, no doubt, a master at cutting words and facial expressions that could cause people to quail, but not Lily. She did not falter under his sneer, and shot back, “Yes, Severus. He has tried to change, tried to correct the flaws I take issue with. You knew how I felt about the Dark Arts, the path you were taking, the people you were surrounding yourself with, but you continued to choose them. You ultimately made the choice to be a Death Eater instead of staying with me. I would never call that true love.”
He let out a snort “yes, James has tried to change. What an impressive show of love. Trying.”
“It’s more than you gave me, Severus,” Lily replied quietly.
“What if I could give it to you, Lil?” he asked gently.
“What do you mean?”
Severus sighed and looked down at his feet, steeling himself for the words he needed to tell her. He had tried his best to let go of the hope that his words would change things - would bring her back to him.
“Of all the things I tell you today,” he began, “I want you to know first and foremost how truly, and deeply sorry I am. I will never, ever stop regretting the decision I made, and the way I have hurt you.” When Lily opened her mouth to say something, Severus interjected, “please, just allow me to say my part,” she closed her mouth and nodded, those fucking enchanting green eyes boring into him.
“I chose the Death Eaters over you. I hurt you. Instead of committing to you fully, I danced on the cusp of it and we kept our relationship a secret, which made our relationship incredibly difficult.
I-I have done horrible things in the service of the Dark Lord. All of these are completely unforgivable, and I will hate myself forever for them. Some days, the regret I have for my mistakes is so deep, I just-I just want to-.” He choked on his words, and his face twisted in pain. It took a lot for Severus to show emotions on his face, and Lily knew what he’d meant to say; he just wanted to die. Knowing he wished that felt like a dagger twisting in her heart. She sensed he had more to say, so remained silent.
“I want you to understand how deeply sorry I am for what I put you through. You never deserved any of it. I can never right the wrongs I have committed. You were the one true friend I ever had, one of the only people who truly loved me, and I threw that away.
“The only people aside from you I ever received camaraderie or fellowship from were my fellow Slytherins, who all began falling into the Dark Arts. They showed me respect I’d never had. I’m very talented in the Dark Arts, and wanted a way to pursue them. The Death Eaters also have a very cult-like way of recruiting vulnerable people. I sensed you were gravitating more and more towards James and his friends, which made me feel so lost and betrayed, especially when you laughed at me the day at the lake…I’m not saying these are excuses, just explaining the way I felt and thought. And now I’m in so deep I don’t see a way out. I have become irredeemable.”
He couldn’t look at Lily. His shame was so intense he thought he could die right there on the floor. He heard her rise from the edge of the bed. Severus steeled himself for a verbal tongue lashing and eviction from the cottage.
To his surprise, she knelt in front of him and took his hands in hers. “Sev, please look at me,” she pleaded. He was terrified of what he would see in her eyes, but dutifully lifted his head and met her gaze.
He hadn’t expected to see tears pooling in them. The watery sheen made the green of them even more beautiful and expressive.
“You are not a bad person,-”
“Yes I-”
“No!” she stated firmly. “I let you talk, now you listen. You are not a bad person, Sev. You just made shitty fucking choices. You experienced so much hardship, and it influenced you to make those decisions. I’m not saying it’s an out, but the odds were never exactly tipped in your favor. Your father was an abusive asshole,” he flinched slightly at the mention, “and you were always misunderstood by everyone, except for me. Hell, even I misunderstood you in ways. I also made a lot of bad choices, Sev. I’m not without my own flaws or regrets. I tried to stand up for you, but I would also give James and the others excuses. They were in my house, they were fun, they were adventurous... I let that cloud my judgment. I even excused them almost killing you by reasoning it wasn’t as bad as the Dark Arts you were pursuing. That day at the lake…God, I’m so ashamed to admit it, but I laughed because I kind of liked the attention from James. I did gravitate more to them as I sensed you were more and more interested in dark magic.
“And yes, our relationship took on toxic elements because of the growing friction between our different lives, and the desire to hide what we had, but I was just as complicit in that as you.
Ultimately, I chose to love your bully over you. Which is just as much of a betrayal to you as you choosing the Dark Arts is to me.You are not a bad person underneath it all. We’re just deeply flawed people…”
She looked deep into his eyes and lifted a hand to his cheek. He closed his eyes and melted into her touch.
“I don’t hate you for the decisions you’ve made, Sev. But I do ask that you own up to them, which you have done. I’m so sorry for the things I’ve done to you as well. We both made such stupid decisions.” A silent tear slipped down her face.
“Lil,” Severus choked, “I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to serve that evil wizard any longer,” his voice was barely above a whisper.
“Then don’t,” she whispered back, “leave them and join us. Join me. I want nothing more than for you to leave them so we can have a life together.”
Tears rolled down his face as he opened his eyes and looked back at her, onyx gaze meeting emerald, “I’m scared,” his voice broke, “If I leave them, they’ll kill me. And if they find out how important you are to me, they’ll come after you, too.” At that moment, the crushing realization hit him. The only way he could guarantee Lily a happy and safe life was if she stayed with James. He understood now he would do anything for her, but a relationship with him was a potential death sentence for her, especially as a muggleborn.
“Lily, I would do anything for you, but a relationship with me is too dangerous for you. If Death Eaters didn’t hunt you down for revenge, torture you for your muggle heritage, then kill you, you risk a life of constant misery and fear. Our relationship could turn into a cycle of hiding and fighting for our lives…”
Severus hung his head closer to hers. Their gazes held as they looked to one another for answers.
“No, it won’t. We’re both powerful wizards. We can protect ourselves, and the order will help.”
He scoffed, “everyone in The Order hates me. I’m a traitor. I’m evil. They could never trust me again. And for good reason. We’d be unprotected, exposed to both sides with nobody. They would see your love for me as the ultimate betrayal. Plus, I would have to undergo a trial from the Ministry, and undoubtedly be thrown in Azkaban for my crimes. I would rather die than rot away in Azkaban, especially if it meant leaving you alone.”
“I’ll make sure that doesn’t happen, Sev,” she pleaded, inching closer, “even if nobody else believes it, Dumbledore will. He’ll protect us. He could vouch for you at your trial, and sway The Order in our favor. Most of all, I believe you. You have me.”
At her last words, he struggled to retain the inkling of composure that prevented him from breaking down into sobs. ‘You have me.’ How long had he wished to have her on his side once again?
“You can’t guarantee that, and Dumbledore has a great amount of influence, but I’m not foolish enough to believe he could convince the entire Ministry to keep me out of Azkaban. Your life is more important to me than my own.”
“Please,” she pleaded, her eyes desperate, tears streaming down her face.
“I-I can’t Lils. I refuse to endanger your life.”
She only continued to cry silently, and rested her forehead against his. His familiar moss and parchment scent was calming. She felt warmth radiating off his body. She’d missed him so much. The knife in her heart continued its twisting. She knew he’d refuse a relationship to keep her safe.
“I love you, Lil,” he whispered to her, the warm breath from his words skating across her lips, sending shivers down her spine.
“I love you too, Sev, so much” she replied, her lips a breath away from his. And she really did. She wished with all her heart they could have a future together.
She hesitated, only for a moment, before she closed the small gap and caught his lips in hers. She knew it was wrong; guilt writhed in her gut when she thought of James, but it was overshadowed by the heart wrenching love she felt for Severus.
Severus cautiously kissed her back, relishing the feel of the lips he’d missed for so long. He’d ached to hear her voice declaring her love for him. He’d pined for the feel of her skin, but he knew it was too good to be true. Too good to last. When she didn’t pull away, he snaked his hand to the back of her neck and deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue between her lips and teeth. When her tongue met his, he couldn’t help but let out a small moan before halting the kiss.
“Lily, if we keep going I don’t know how I’m going to stop myself. I want you, all of you.”
She smirked in answer and pulled his head down to her for another kiss. She explored his mouth, nipped his lip, and slipped her tongue over his. He responded with passion, taking control and tasting their shared breaths as the rest of the world melted away.
Breaking the kiss to catch their breath, they rested their foreheads together. “Lily,” he whispered, “destroying our future together will always be my biggest regret.” He wondered how his heart continued to beat when daggers were gashing it apart.
She let out a quiet sob and pulled back slightly to make eye contact with him.
“If-if Voldemort is killed and this war ends, I promise I’ll be yours.”
He cupped her face and used his thumb to wipe tears from her cheeks. “I promise, too. And not if, when.” She nodded, a smile playing at the corners of her mouth.
“Pinky swear?” he asked, offering his pinky to her.
Lily giggled through her tears and locked her pinky with his, as they’d done countless times when they were children. “I swear,” they both declared.
It felt as if the black hole in his chest was going to consume his very being. Despite his outward confidence Voldemort would be brought down, he harbored a well of doubt. He sensed the same doubt festering in Lily. He vowed to himself then and there he would do anything he could to bring an end to the Dark Lord’s regime.
As they both cried he pulled her into a tight embrace, holding onto his only anchor in the world. She sobbed into his shoulder for a while, and then, slowly, he felt her begin to kiss his neck. She kissed and nipped her way up to his jaw, then sought his lips again. Their kissing made him unbearably aroused, the growing erection in his trousers warned him he would soon lose the little composure he had left. With an almost herculean effort, he begrudgingly stopped her ministrations with a gentle hand on her cheek.
“What are we doing?” he asked softly.
“Showing how much we love each other, one last time,” she replied, her forest-green eyes boring into his.
At that, his lips crashed onto hers, desperate to take everything he could- experience every ounce of her. He tangled his fingers in her hair with one hand, then used his other arm to haul her up onto his lap to straddle him, wanting to make as much contact with her body as possible. She responded just as ferociously, snaking her arms around his neck and pressing the length of her torso tightly against him. She devoured his mouth, and for a while they engaged in a battle for control over the kiss. He eventually won with a sharp, calculated nip to her bottom lip. He ran his tongue over it and smirked at her as she moaned.
Soon, she began running her hands over his body, slipping his cloak off and unbuttoning his shirt. Her touch left a trail of electricity on his bare skin. He was a livewire and she was grounding him with her touch. He responded by kissing her jaw, nipping her earlobe, then biting and sucking hungrily at her neck, relishing the sight of the purple spots on her marble skin marking her as his. She gasped at his display of possession, and ground down on him, the feeling of her on his hard dick made it strain against his trousers. He roughly grabbed her hips and ground her down harder on his cock, eliciting a moan from both of them. As she reveled in rolling her hips back and forth on his hardness, he slipped her shirt off, then deftly unhooked her bra and threw it God knows where. He didn’t care.
He palmed her soft breasts and felt her hard nipples brush against the sensitive inside of his palms. She threw her head back and moaned. He took the opportunity to suck and kiss her neck more while he kneaded her breasts.
“You don’t know how much I’ve missed this,” he murmured as he trailed kisses down to her beautiful breasts. He swirled his tongue around one pink nipple, then greedily sucked it into his mouth, working it with his tongue and teeth. Lily moaned loudly and raked her nails through his hair against his scalp, eliciting a shiver from Severus. She was panting now, her breasts heaving with every breath. He let her nipple slip out of his mouth with a little ‘pop,’ and moved his head to work on the other one.
As Severus worked her into a lather solely from the attention he was giving her breasts, Lily could feel how sopping she was, and her center ached with how badly she needed him inside her.
The love and happiness Severus made her feel conjured up a memory from when they were attending Hogwarts. Lily had laid in his arms all day by the lake while they read books and talked about everything and nothing. She’d felt so loved, so safe, so happy. At that time, nothing had mattered. The impending war was unknown to them, the torn feelings they had between each other and their other lives nonexistent. As he peppered her face with kisses, he’d told her he loved her for the first time; “I love you, Lily. Always.”
When Severus looked up from her breasts and met her eyes, she noticed the familiar warm prodding of him gently exploring her memory. He was using his legilimency skills to see what she was thinking about. His presence in her mind was the only one she ever felt safe with.
“That was one of my favorite times together,” he breathed, “I’d wanted to tell you for so long. When you told me you loved me back, I felt like I finally had someone in the world who truly did love me.
“I also remember other times at the lake with my face buried in your pussy,” he smirked, dark eyes glittering.
Her cheeks reddened but she smiled, “You’ve always been good at that.”
He pulled her to him and kissed her hard, relishing the feel of her nipples brushing against his bare chest. They ground shamelessly against each other, and he thought he might blow right then and there. ‘No, I’ve got too many plans for us to end so early.’
“Sev, I need you so fucking bad. Please!” Lily gasped between fevered kisses. He grinned and slipped his hands under her ass, then stood while keeping her legs wrapped around his waist. Lily squealed and grinned up at him wickedly.
He dropped her gently on the bed, quickly working at the button of her pants, yanking them off unceremoniously.
Kneeling between her legs, he bent to kiss and nip her inner thighs, teasingly sliding just the first part of his finger under her panties. He made sure not to give her sopping wet center any of the friction or touch she so desperately needed. He loved teasing her, dragging out the ordeal until she was so desperate for him she practically came instantly from his touch.
“Severus, fuck, you’re such a tease,” she whined.
Mercifully, he slowly ran one finger up her seam over the soaked panties. “You’re so wet for me already,” his voice was gruff with desire. She moaned in answer, and he began to rub her clit over her panties while leaving warm kisses on her lower abdomen. The smell of her enveloped his senses. It was intoxicating. Despite his love of teasing her, he found holding back was an increasingly difficult task.
When she was on the edge of coming undone, he stopped his ministrations and she let out a frustrated cry, “fuck, Sev, why?” He leered at her before urging the offending panties off. Lily wasted no time in lifting her hips to help him remove them, then desperately scooched closer to his face, eager for what was to come.
“Needy, impatient girl,” he purred.
Severus grabbed her hips and lowered his head to drop a feather-light kiss directly on her slit. It took every ounce of self control he had not to devour her right there. Hungry eyes looked up to meet her desperate eyes, “are you sure, Lils?” he rasped.
She cupped his cheek with her hand and nodded, “yes! Please! Oh my God.”
He grinned devilishly. “Beg for it,” he drawled, the breath from his words tantalizing her sex even more.
Her mouth dropped open. He could see she wanted to defy him, but she was so needy she complied. “Sev, please! Eat me out, make me cum, fuck me, touch me. I need you inside me. I need you so bad.”
Her words undid him, and he dove into her heat, lapping her up, devouring her. Severus moaned at the taste of her,“you taste so fucking good,” he told her. He swirled his tongue around her clit, then took it into his mouth and sucked it as he inserted a finger into her center, curling it into the spongy spot he knew would make her ignite.
He watched as she descended into a babbling, writhing mess beneath him. He used his other hand to hold her hips down as he licked and sucked, remembering exactly how to bring her to orgasm after all this time.
Lily could feel the tension pooling in her abdomen as Severus expertly worked his mouth and finger. “Severus, oh, Sev, Sev,” she moaned, grinding herself on his tongue as he brought her closer and closer to the edge. Suddenly, it hit her and she came hard, shattering into a thousand pieces as her moans melted into screams. His tongue and finger rode out the orgasm, drawing out the pleasure until she thought she couldn’t take it anymore.
He stopped as she came down, knowing the over-sensitivity could border on pain if he spent too long trying to prolong her pleasure. As she came to her senses, Severus climbed up onto the bed and held her while she trembled, peppering her with light kisses and murmuring how beautiful she was.
When Lily became coherent again, she turned on her side and intertwined their legs as she snuggled up to him. When she looked up into Severus’s eyes, his face showed the depth of the love he felt, and it made her choke up and look away. He was always so careful to school his expressions and hide his feelings, but when he felt safe he was capable of tremendous displays of emotion.
She didn’t know how she was going to let go of him when it was all over.
As if sensing her thoughts, Severus gently lifted her chin to meet his eyes again “don’t think about later. Stay with me here, now.” He pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead, then fully wrapped his arms around her and pulled her face into his chest.
Lily let the steady sound of Severus’s heart calm the wave of emotion she was feeling. His slow, deep breaths, steadiness, and tenderness calmed her. He had always had such a calming presence, and she didn’t realize how much she’d missed it until that moment.
Once tears weren’t threatening to fall anymore, she began kissing his chest and neck, grinding her wet core on his thigh between her legs. He enthusiastically moved his leg with her grinding, and his hard cock pressing into her stomach drove Lily crazy. She snaked her hand down to palm his erection over his trousers and he groaned, burying his face in her hair. “This isn’t fair, you’ve still got these on, and I’m laying here naked,” she teased.
“A problem easily remedied,” he grinned as he rolled on top of her. Lily worked the button and zipper of his pants while they kissed. The taste of her still lingering on his lips turned her on even more. She tried pushing the pants off him, but her arms weren’t long enough. Severus chuckled while she struggled. Graciously, he aided her in the task. As soon as he had them off she began running her hand up and down the length of his cock that was still, maddeningly, encased in his underwear. She had hoped he would slip them off with his pants, but he seemed insistent on torturing her.
As she stroked his considerable length, Severus groaned and bucked into her hand. He had yearned for her touch so long, and her fingertips felt like fire on his skin. “I want to make you feel so fucking good, Lily,” he uttered gruffly.
“Then stop tormenting me and do it,” Lily challenged, a gleam in her eye.
He sat back and pushed his underwear off, his dick bobbing when it was finally released from its cloth prison. Lily immediately seized it and began pumping his length, her thumb swirling the precum around the head. He felt hot and smooth, and she relished admiring his size and girth as her hand moved up and down it.
“God Lil,” he groaned, resisting the urge to pump himself in her hand like a horny teenager. She let go of him and pulled his hips to her, sliding her slick folds up and down his length as they kissed hard and deep between gasps of air.
Finally, he reached between them and placed himself at her entrance. He looked to her for confirmation, and she nodded. He held her gaze, desperate to burn her reaction into his memory.
“Fuuuuuck,” he groaned as she let out a keening moan. He watched as her eyes rolled back and mouth dropped open in a silent gasp. Sliding into her felt like home. Blinding pleasure, pure love, and true safety enveloped him. She was so tight, slick, and warm. When he bottomed out and his hips met hers, he kept still so she could adjust to him. Severus waited for her to find his eyes again. When her emerald gaze finally met his, he thought he might cry at her beauty, at the love he felt for her. Something told him this was the last time he would make love to her, despite his desperate hopes, so drank her in like a wanderer in the desert. His heart felt like it would explode. “You’re so perfect,” he murmured, running his thumb along her bottom lip “and I’m so lucky to have you-” cutting off ‘this last time.’ He wouldn’t kill her hope. She smiled, then slipped her tongue out to flick his thumb.
Severus growled and shoved his thumb in her mouth, which she sucked greedily. Her tongue working the pad of his finger undid him, and he began moving back and forth inside her.
He started slowly at first. Once she was adjusted to him, she grew impatient at the pace, but he kept up the languid strokes to further torment her. “Sev, if you don’t start fucking me silly I’m going to take over and show you what I want,” Lily challenged.
He answered her with a wicked grin, “as much as I’d love that, I’m the one in charge today,” he husked, grabbing her lightly by the throat and kissing her as he began thrusting harder.
Lily moved her hips and met his every stroke, moaning as he used one arm to lift her hips, his cock hitting the perfect spot every time.
“You’re mine,” he growled in between thrusts.
“always,” she purred back.
Their pace and force increased until Severus was truly fucking her into the mattress, her hair splayed out like a red halo around her head. She was the sun to his night. He wanted to fuck her until the hole in his chest went away, to hold her so close her soul merged with his and filled the gaping sorrow he’d felt since she left him. Their gazes held, eyes dark like a cold winter night meeting eyes the color of new spring growth. A soldier of good and a soldier of evil; true Yin and Yang perfectly complementing one another. The love they felt for each one another was palpable, as if a tangible aura surrounded them.
Lily felt her heart swell, and she couldn’t stop the tears that streamed down her face. To be loved by this man was to be stardust compacting until it exploded into a new universe. She would never feel the love she had for him for another, and she cursed every god in existence for the fate that was forced upon them.
The slapping sounds of sex and their moans filled the room as they worked to a crescendo, and Lily felt like fire was coursing through her limbs and gathering in her lower abdomen. She lost touch with everything except for their bodies and his midnight black eyes. “Fuck, Sev, I’m so close, keep going, please,” she whimpered.
“Look at me when you cum, Lily,” he demanded, still driving into her hard. He reached between them and began working her clit. She writhed and reached for him, so he leaned down to kiss her, wet and sloppy as he continued pumping into her and rolling her clit between his fingers.
As she felt the familiar pooling in her abdomen, she pulled away from the kiss so she could look at him. His black eyes bored into hers and he rasped, “you are everything. My everything, Lil.” That was her undoing, and just before the powerful orgasm ripped through her, she mewled, “I love you so much, Sev.”
Severus held back as long as he could, knowing that when he finished, it was over forever. He wanted to be positive, but his gut told him he would never experience the paradise of her body or soul again. He knew this moment was the last, and it tore his soul to shreds. He was losing Lily, his everything, all over again. Holding back was his only way of keeping her, if even only for a few more moments. He was resolute in keeping that moment at bay for as long as possible, but when he felt her walls clench around him, as she professed her love and stared into his eyes while she came, his entire world tilted on its axis and he exploded, emptying himself deep inside her. His soul shattered as he came. It was falling and rising, living and dying.
He collapsed on top of Lily, both of them heaving ragged breaths while floating down from heaven and regaining their footing on earth. Their sweat-covered bodies trembled with the aftershocks of their orgasms.
When Severus pushed himself onto his elbows and searched her face, the pain they saw in each other’s eyes was crushing. They began to sob. For themselves, for what they were losing, and the pain the other was forced to endure.
Severus rolled Lily on top of him, pulling a blanket over them, and she cried into his chest while he wept into her hair. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight, one hand buried in the hair at the nape of her neck and the other around her waist. He didn’t know how he was going to live through the pain of leaving her again, but he knew he would have to. For her, he would leave so she could marry James, so she could live happy and safe.
When their crying slowed, Severus cupped Lily’s cheek and tilted her head until she looked into his eyes, “I love you, Lily. I was made to love you. I will never stop loving you.”
“I love you too, Sev. Always,” she choked out.
He stroked her back for a while, and she laid her head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat, hoping to commit it to memory. She absorbed the calm he radiated, and gathered herself to be strong. To let him go.
“My bridesmaids will be here in an hour,” she finally stated hollowly, “I have to tidy the place up and get rid of all the marks you left on me before they get here.”
Severus tightened his arms around her, placed a kiss on the top of her head, then used every ounce of will he possessed to tear himself away.
After dressing, they walked to the door, tongues tangling in a kiss once again. Slow, hot, and wet. He held her tight against him, trying to commit the way her body felt against his to memory. He kissed her jaw and neck, and in a moment of pure carnal instinct to mark his territory again, he sucked and bit a considerable mark on her collarbone. “Sev!” she gasped half in shock, half in pleasure.
“You’re mine,” he growled against her lips, “even after today, you will always be mine,” The words sent a jolt of lightning straight through her.
“And my heart will always be yours,” she whispered as she kissed him again.
Summoning all the willpower he had, he broke the kiss. “I have to go, Lil,” he whispered. He felt as if the world was going to crush him. His anguish made nausea bubble in his stomach.
“I can’t let you go,” she sobbed.
“The war will end, Lily, and we will have our life together after,” he murmured into her hair with a resoluteness he did not feel.
Her tears almost undid him. He felt like a feral animal was inside his chest, clawing his heart to pieces. He couldn’t break in front of her. He didn’t want to put the true weight of his agony and hopelessness on her shoulders. “We have to. This is for the best. I love you. Keep hope in your heart. I will fight with everything I have to end the Dark Lord. When this is all over, I’ll give you the happiest life you can imagine. I promise.”
“I love you too, Sev. Always,” She whispered.
“Always,” he replied, as he tore himself away and stepped out the door. He spun and apparated away with a ‘crack!’ before she could have a chance to stop him.
……………….
Lily used magic to remove the marks Severus left on her. As she watched each one disappear, it felt like a tiny piece of her heart disappeared with it. She couldn’t even keep the physical evidence that her heart belonged to him.
She thought she played the part of a happy bride convincingly at her wedding. She did love James, but it was a different type of love. She found herself remembering the way Severus’s hands felt on her body, and had to bury the memories to keep her composure. Despite his reassuring words, her gut told her they would never receive their future together.
………………..
Severus felt as if he could never feel, let alone love, again. His entire world was gray and flat. His life was never ending agony without her. He began plotting how to bring the Death Eater regime to an end.
…………………
9 months later, Lily gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. However, it was not James’s facial features and hair the boy inherited. No, the baby had a familiar hooked nose and mop of messy black hair. He was a baby born of the love between her and Severus, a permanent piece of him she was gifted. Lily studied his features and committed them to memory, then cast a glamor on the boy before James could have a good look at him. It broke her heart she wouldn’t see what the child between her and Severus would look like as he grew up.
Lily decided she would wait to tell Severus.
…………….
A few months later, Severus delivered a prophecy to his Dark Lord. It was part of an ill-fated plan he’d conjured to gain the trust of Voldemort before offering his services as a spy to Dumbledore.
When he discovered the prophecy was about the boy Lily gave birth to, that he had betrayed her in his desperate plan, he begged Voldemort to spare Lily. Then pleaded with Dumbledore to save her. He became a spy for The Order, and left the ranks of the Death Eaters for good. The wizard couldn’t help but think if Lily was with him, he could protect her better than her husband and friends, but Dumbledore promised to keep her safe.
………….
When Lily discovered Voldemort was hunting them, she wrote a letter to Severus and a letter to Harry which explained the boy’s true father. The only person she divulged her secret to was Dumbledore, whom she swore to secrecy. He took the letters and promised, if she was gone, he would deliver the letters to Harry and Severus.
………..
It wasn’t long after when Severus cradled Lily’s dead body in his arms - screaming until he was hoarse and his throat felt torn to shreds. He wanted to die. Not only had he lost the love of his life, but it was all his fault. He’d done everything he could to protect her, but he’d still caused her death. He might as well have killed her with his own two hands. He gave her nothing but broken promises.