Chapter Text
“Dan! Dan, look!”
The last time Daniel obeyed that command, he had learned what the inside of a tiger’s small intestine looked like.
“… What is it?” Dan asked with no small amount of hesitation, refusing to look away from his computer screen, lest he discover more about the guts of various jungle mammals.
“We’re porn!” Michael proclaimed, thrusting a laptop into the space where Dan’s head had been, a mere second before he had ducked.
“Michael, what are you talking about?” Dan pushed the laptop away and straightened out in his chair, trying to collect his bearings.
“Look at this site! There’s all these stories about us! Porn stories! Where we fuck!” Michael explained, shaking the laptop vigorously.
Dan winced, wishing that Michael would lower his voice just a little. Dan pried the laptop from his partner’s grip and looked over the website, which, emblazoned at the top, read, ‘Cracked Meme: KINK MEME.’ There were various prompts listed anonymously: “Swaim/DOB rough sex,” “mpreg,” “drunk sex,”… The listings went on for a couple of pages, and only a select few had received responses actually following the prompts.
"Michael, there’s barely any stories here at all.“
"What?” Michael snatched the laptop back. “Let me see that,” he muttered as he took a seat, tugging his sunglasses down over his eyes. He was mercifully quiet for a full, glorious minute before he started whining. “What the hell? Where’s all the hot porn?”
“Do you really expect people to write stories about the sexual escapades of two internet comedy writers?”
Michael scowled. “Well maybe not about you, but they should definitely be writing about me! People tell legends about this, Daniel!” Michael lifted the laptop with one hand and pointed to his crotch with the other.
“I bet they do.”
“You probably haven’t heard 'em over on the East coast, but trust me,” Michael continued, a smile appearing on his face. “Anyway.” He began typing and Dan assumed that he had found a more interesting website, perhaps with actual porn. Whatever it was, it seemed to have Michael's full attention, so Dan felt comfortable returning to his own column on ties guaranteed to help distract from a herpes outbreak. He had made it through only a paragraph or so when his computer beeped, signaling a new e-mail.
'OUR PORN,’ the e-mail subject read, 'From bonersultan989.’
“You like my e-mail address?” Michael asked from his new perch behind Dan. “It means, like, 'boner magician.’”
“I don’t think–”
“A magician for boners, Dan!” Michael paused. “So did you read it?”
“How could I have possibly had time to–”
“Dan, this isn’t the East Coast, okay? This is fast paced, hard times–”
“Please be quiet,” Dan cut in, opening his partner’s e-mail.
'Prompt: Michael/Daniel: Office sex,’ It began,
’SCENE: CRACKED OFFICES. 1:00 PM. DANIEL is WRITING something stupid on his STUPID HORSE BLOG.’
“Why is this written like a screenplay?” Dan asked, wondering whether or not he really wanted to continue reading.
“Keep going,” Michael prodded.
'DANIEL
(insert)
MICHAEL
Did someone say cum bucket?!
DANIEL
(insert)
MICHAEL ENTERS, carrying A LARGE BUCKET. A HUGE BUCKET. A BUCKET SO LARGE THAT–’
Dan frowned. “Where’s all my dialogue?”
“I need your help with it,” Michael explained. “That’s why I e-mailed you. I know the kinda stuff that I would say, and I basically know what you would say, but I want it to be authentic. Only the best for our fans, I always say.”
“I have zero desire to help you write porn about us, Michael.”
"Dan," Michael pleaded, "We should do it now before someone else messes it all up and makes you the pitcher and me the catcher.”
Dan was quiet a moment as he tried to staunch the flow of unwanted mental images. “Alright, look, if I help you, do you promise to work on your new column?”
Michael thought about it. “No.”
“Michael–”
“Fine, okay!” Michael plopped back down in his chair. “Now let's do this!" He tapped a few buttons on his keyboard as he spoke. “What do you think you should say after seeing the cum bucket?”
“What even is a 'cum bucket’?” Dan asked.
“Perfect!” Michael replied, typing away.
“I wasn’t…” Dan shook his head. This was going to be a long couple of hours…