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3. Stop, Drop and Roll
At some point in your relationship, if things are getting serious, you’re probably going to want to get to know your boyfriend’s friends a little better. You know, grab a few drinks, get lunch, watch a movie or something. It’s important to make that effort when you really care about someone and I was determined to do that for Bucky (It had nothing to do with the fact that these guys were essentially watching Bucky’s back out there and I wanted to make sure he was safe. Not at all). Now, don’t get me wrong, I knew that this particular bonding experience might be a little…different… but I assumed it’d be within the limits of manageability.
Bet you didn’t know you could get banned from a pet store.
About two months ago, I’d come home from the grocery store, thinking about what to make for lunch when Bucky came up to the door to help me carry in the groceries. Pecking me on the lips, he went ahead of me so he could put everything away. That was all normal to be honest, as was the fact that Bucky had gotten fresh flowers for the vase Phil had gotten us as a house warming gift.
What wasn’t so normal was Thor, who seemed to be rooted to our sofa. Without his cape and helmet he looked a lot less intimidating, although that could also be due to the look on his face. I hated to say it, but Thor looked like a kicked puppy.
I made frantic signs to Bucky, who shook his head exasperatedly and said, “Uh Thor’s here, because, he uh, is in a bit of a dilemma.”
“The Lady Jane is angry at me, but I fear I know not why.”
I wasn’t sure whether I should be amused or not at his petulant tone. “I’m sorry to hear that Thor, what happened?”
“He tried to cook.” Bucky said.
I winced, Darcy had filled me in on what happened the last time Thor had tried to ‘cook’. Who knew Pop Tarts could be so dangerous.
“The metal device on which you heat the food does not seem to care much for my efforts.” Thor said sadly. (Steve hates how down he looks, maybe they have a different way of cooking in Scandinavia or something). Which is how Thor and I end up going shopping for an apology gift.
After spending half an hour convincing Thor to leave Mjolnir at their place. (‘Thor, I can’t even lift the hammer, no one can lift the hammer. No one’s going to steal it.’ ‘I am not walking around with you if you bring that with us, have you ever heard of metal detectors?’)
It’s slow-going, because Thor’s culture had some different notions of what to gift people. He’s not sure where they’re going to get an authentic sword for Jane (nor was he planning to let Thor walk around with a sword for any length of time), and there is no way he will let Thor get Jane a ring (he did that before and it ended up in a fairly large misunderstanding.)
The bookstore seems like a safe bet seeing as Jane loves to read. Steve wished he had factored in the strength of Thor’s voice though.
“Steven, come look at this book. It is most amusing, if anyone wielded a sword in this manner, they would surely fall in battle.”
And Thor had found the adult fiction section.
They manage to find a discourse on space exploration and propositions about wormholes for Jane and Steve picks up a cookbook for Bucky. Thor and him are paying for their things when the cashier whose eyes are suspiciously red asks, “Dude, your name is Thor? Like the Nordic guy? That’s whack.”
Before Thor can create a scene, Steve ushers him out and when they’re safely outside the shop, he slumps a bit and sighs.
“How dare he insult me like that? You should have let me defend my honour!” (‘I can’t believe you stopped a fight. You start all the fights.’ ‘Bucky!’ ‘You’re not disagreeing with me doll’)
“Don’t worry about it Thor, that guy wasn’t being rude. He was just surprised is all. Plus, he was stoned.”
Thor looks at him, puzzled, “I did not know that he was made of stone. Do you Midgardians co-exist so peacefully with those not of flesh?”
Steve just blinks, cultural gap, that’s what this was. A cultural gap the size of the Grand Canyon.
Lunch went as well as he could expect, “I’m sorry Thor, I don’t think there’s any place that’ll give us an entire cooked cow, how about an all you can eat buffet instead?”
Thor can really eat.
Steve watches him with a slightly horrified fascination as he puts away food, like no one he’s ever seen before slowly chewing his own sandwich. They manage to talk a bit and Steve finds he likes Thor a lot. He’s sweet in his own way and there’s something innately pleasant about him that he can’t quite put his finger on.
They’re finishing their coffee when Thor exclaims, “This beverage was excellent” and Steve’s about to agree when Thor smashes his cup to the ground and proclaims he wants another. The waitress stares at them and Steve looks between the two.
“Thor,” he hisses, “Jane told you that you couldn’t smash anymore things.”
Thor blinks, “I apologize, I assumed it was only forbidden on Tuesdays.”
The waitress squints at the two of them, “He not from around here?”
Beaming at her, Thor proudly explains, “I am from far-sought lands, fair maiden. I have taken shelter with the fairest Lady Jane, who hit me with her car.”
Later that evening, when I’m recounting this to Bucky and Clint (who’s visiting, though I don’t remember seeing him use the front door and huh, hey Buck, the ventilator grate is loose again, we really need to get that fixed.) they’re in tears.
“What happened though?” asks Bucky once he’s coherent again.
“I convinced her that the hit with the car gave him a mild concussion and that he was slightly out of it. And then you,” nodding at Clint, “Wanted treats for Lucky, so we went to the pet store. Where apparently the last time he visited, he asked for horses and giant dogs. There were two goats in for treatment or something.”
He makes a pained noise, “I think, goats are sacred maybe to his people? I don’t know. But he flipped out when they were taking blood samples and he freed the goats.”
Bucky looks at him, “He…he freed the goats?”
“Also you’re not allowed back in the pet store.”
Bucky looks offended, “Wait why aren’t I allowed back in? I wasn’t even there.”
“Because Thor mentioned he’s your friend and that shopkeeper doesn’t like you ever since you let those birds loose. Besides, I’m the one who got Thor out of there and back to Jane. Without even tasering him.”
“They’re birds, they shouldn’t be caged,” Bucky says, crossing his arms and pouting, looking more like a disgruntled kitten than a masked crusader. I sit next to him and pinch his cheek, kissing his nose when he crinkles it.
“Well, you two are disgustingly sappy and I don’t think my delicate constitution can bear it anymore. I’ll see you later, thanks for the dog treats Steve!”
A couple of weeks later, Thor pays us a visit. I think he meant to visit Bucky but he was ‘out’. It’s the middle of the night so when I hear someone creeping around in the living room, I grab the old baseball bat and tiptoe out. Thor’s slumped on the sofa and he looks hurt.
Rushing to his side, I realise he’s bleeding through his tunic-armour thing (Is this actual metal, how is he not falling over with that weight? Is that a question I really want answered?). Truth be told, I’m panicking a little because the gash looks deep.
“Thor, we need to get you to a hospital. I’ll call a cab.”
“It will heal Steve. I apologize, I thought Bucky would be here.”
“Bucky’s still out with the others, I can call him if you want.”
“No, he will angry that I have brought such disturbance to you, rightfully so.”
I paced around a bit before grabbing the first aid kit and the largest sweatshirt Bucky owned, along with some track pants. “At least let me clean that. It’ll keep it from getting infected. I have a lot of practice with Bucky.”
Thor’s eyes are gentle as he asks, “Does he know you are aware of his situation?”
Pausing, my hand in mid-air, I reply shakily, “No. Not yet. He’d just get worried you know? He doesn’t need that right now. Please don’t tell him Thor.”
“You are a truly worthy man, Son of Rogers. I now see why you were able to wield Mjolnir.”
Thor’s patched up by the time Bucky gets back and we avoid eye contact when telling Bucky how Thor wanted to watch a movie with me. He leaves the next morning with a thank you and a warm hug and it’s weird because it doesn’t look like he’s in pain at all.
You know, I get the feeling maybe he isn’t from Scandinavia.
*Footnote*
The night after the incident in the pet shop, Bucky and I are in bed. Buck’s asleep and I’m reading when something strikes me, “Hey Buck?” “Mm?” he asks, not really completely conscious. “Did Thor leave his hammer here? I don’t recall seeing it anywhere.” “Nah, he called it later” he says before falling asleep.
Which is. Well.
Maybe I should start buying decaf.
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