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It wasn’t like Hansol had a soul-crushing, debilitating crush on her best friend or anything, but recent events have caused some of her past thoughts to resurface—particularly, thoughts that are shaped surprisingly like Seungkwan.
Years ago, Hansol had already put the time into pushing these thoughts away. But now, she was frustrated with how easily they came back.
One night when she was scrolling through TikTok, engrossed in the series of videos playing on her feed, she came across one she immediately resonated with: “Did any other gay people experience an incredibly, codependent best friendship with someone of the same gender growing up?” .
The video brought memories flooding back of her, potentially too-intense, crush on her best friend Seungkwan.
Hansol met Seungkwan in her first year of high school. She was a relatively shy kid, never willing to reach out to people and perfectly content being by herself. If you asked, Hansol would say that she actually preferred to be alone, but Seungkwan would put that idea down instantly.
Seungkwan, who had beautiful brown hair that had streaks of dyed blonde mixed throughout it, went up to Hansol on the first day of school and practically demanded that they be friends. While Hansol would never have said no, she was so enthralled by Seungkwan’s cool hair that convinced herself that it would be a good decision to say yes.
Hansol’s decision would lead them through most of college. Seungkwan became Hansol’s best friend and there was nothing that they wouldn’t do together. That was until Seungkwan got her first girlfriend in their third year. Many of their friend activities were joined by a third, and it always rubbed Hansol the wrong way, but she would never tell Seungkwan that.
Eventually, Hansol spent a long time slowly pulling herself away from Seungkwan so that the couple wouldn’t notice her missing presence. It worked for long enough until Seungkwan broke up with her girlfriend.
Seungkwan came back to Hansol, almost as if nothing had happened. Except for this time, Seungkwan was a little more affectionate, and a lot more willing to spend most of her time with her. Hansol couldn’t help but smile every time Seungkwan chose her.
Hansol had all of the plans to take her crush on Seungkwan to her deathbed, and she confirmed this to herself as she swiped on her screen to see a new TikTok.
—
Tonight was like every other school night with Seungkwan lying awkwardly in Hansol’s twin-sized bed as they scrolled through a myriad of videos on one of their phones. They had watched enough reality television throughout their 8-year friendship that—as much as Seungkwan would hate to admit—it was getting boring. Thus, resulting in recurring nights of the pair crowding together and mindlessly swiping through video after video.
Hansol is incredibly aware of how much space Seungkwan takes up on her bed, and she can’t help but wonder why the couch wasn’t a suitable option.
Seungkwan’s shoulder-cropped, blonde hair tickled Hansol’s arm, brushing right against the strap of her tank top that had fallen down her shoulder. If Hansol weren’t so used to it, her body might have shivered, and she may have even jumped slightly, but at least she learned to control that.
“If I have to sit through one more Negroni, Sbagliato audio, I will throw your phone at the wall,” Hansol’s voice broke through the audio playing out of the phone.
Stifling a laugh, Seungkwan swiped upwards on the screen that she held above both of their faces, switching the video. “Is it such a crime to be a part of ‘Gay TikTok’?”
“It is if ‘Gay TikTok’ is going to make the same joke in every other video,” she quipped as she swept her fingers through Seungkwan’s hair to pull her shirt strap up her shoulder.
With a shrug and the click of a button, Seungkwan shut her phone off and dropped it onto the mattress between them. “Let’s see if your videos are any better then,” Seungkwan suggested, always ready to compete.
Hansol swiftly pulled her phone from her pocket and opens the app. The first video read: “Every woman-loving-woman has experienced at least one “platonic” friendship in their youth that always seemed a bit more than platonic” .
In a choked and awkward sort-of way, Hansol laughed in response to the video. “That is way too real,” she found herself saying, only realizing too late that the relationship she was thinking of was her’s with Seungkwan.
Ready to look at another video and avoid having to confront the situation, she lifts her thumb to swipe at the screen. That is until Seungkwan interrupts her with a hand on her finger. “Wait, same. You’ve got to tell me with who.”
When Seungkwan turns her head to look up at Hansol, her chin comes in contact with her shoulder, aggressively reminding Hansol of their proximity. Seungkwan’s mouth is slightly agape and adorning a smirk, one that she frequently uses to convince Hansol to do anything she asks.
What would Hansol gain from this? The pair had mended their friendship years ago and their relationship has improved greatly since. There was no need for Seungkwan to need to know the true reason behind their short-term friendship breakup.
“I can’t tell you,” is all Hansol can seem to come up with, suddenly flustered and full of the intense feelings she once felt every time she hung out with Seungkwan. It certainly wasn’t the best she could do, she convinced herself by claiming it gets her point across.
Seungkwan’s smirk grew as she prodded, “Why not?”
With the most creativity she can muster, “It’s embarrassing.”
“Just tell me, Hansollie. You’ve embarrassed yourself around me enough in this life for me to leave. This is nothing, it’s in the past anyway.”
At any given opportunity, Seungkwan would always be prepared to tease Hansol. Always the joking type, Seungkwan knows Hansol’s limits and finds enjoyment in getting Hansol flustered (which of course, makes her blush).
This time Hansol decided to stand up for herself by deflecting, “You said you related to the video. Why don’t you tell me who it was with?”
Seungkwan shrugged her shoulders and spoke in a casual tone, “I don’t know how you’ll feel about mine.”
“Well now I’m curious, you have to tell me,” Hansol would gladly take her turn as the heckler, anything to get Seungkwan off her case.
“I have a proposition,” Seungkwan raised her eyebrows in suggestion, “Will you tell me if I tell you?”
As much as Hansol was willing to be reasonable, in pretty much any scenario except for this one, she was not willing to sacrifice her vulnerability and past feelings for Seungkwan. “We’ll see,” she replied even though she knows that it won’t be enough to get Seungkwan to cave.
“Hey!” Seungkwan laughed her signature, breathy laugh and shuffled up the bed so that the two of them are eye level. Both of them are leant on their elbows, facing each other with a barely-platonic amount of space left between their faces.
“Tell me, tell me,” Hansol practically begged, adding a small pout for good measure.
With a short release of breath through her bleached-blonde bangs, Seungkwan looks straight into Hansol’s eyes. “It was always you, didn’t you know?”
Hansol needed to wake up.
There was no way this was real, and there was no way that Seungkwan could be telling the truth. If only she could just open her eyes and find herself alone, in the dark with her fantasies.
At the same time, Seungkwan’s perfectly soft fingers graze under Hansol’s jaw as she moved in so their faces are now certainly not a platonic amount of space away.
“Are you playing with me?” Hansol questioned, even though Seungkwan is mere centimetres away from her face and there is no doubt in her mind that she wants to kiss her.
There goes Seungkwan with the signature laugh. Hansol is back to wondering how someone could be so pretty, just like she did in her childhood room all those years ago.
“Sol. If you don’t kiss me right now, I swear to go-”
Hansol let Seungkwan’s hand on her jaw guide her way to Seungkwan’s lips. A sense of familiarity flowed through Hansol’s chest, perhaps it was all the time she spent fantasizing about it, or maybe it was Seungkwan’s gentle touch.
With a soft breath, Hansol closed the distance between them and pressed their lips together.