Chapter Text
You know the point, Danny! You were a hard-ass to him just like you are to me. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how well he did - he could never get your respect!
Damn it, he couldn’t concentrate on his paperwork. Danny sat back in his work chair, scrubbing a hand over his face as the scene from the week before played on repeat in his mind. He could admit that his temper had gotten the better of him - anyone bringing up Joe, even their younger brother, was bound to set him off, even though it had been almost four years since Joe had been murdered.
He’d known he shouldn’t be so rough with Jamie, even as he’d pushed his little brother into the lockers. And the kid hadn’t really tried to fight back offensively, his movement’s had mostly been defensive, trying to get Danny off without any serious damage. But if Jackie and Renzulli hadn’t come in when they did … A small, sickened part of Danny wondered what he would have done to Jamie.
Luckily, their father hadn’t found out about it. Jamie didn’t tell, so Danny hadn’t either. The tension had let up a little between them, once Danny had shown Jamie what the perp they’d been fighting over had meant to his cold case. A little boy had been reunited with his mother after nearly five years. That was something you didn’t see everyday.
And Danny knew he deserved the strain that still existed in their relationship. Especially since he’d been the cause of said tension ever since Jamie had declared to the whole family that he was giving up law and entering the police academy.
“Damn it, Joe,” Danny whispered to himself, pinching the bridge of his nose, “I wish you were still here.”
“What was that?” Jackie’s voice made him look up.
“Nothin’,” Danny told her, clearing his throat and going back to his never-ending pile of paperwork.
“Nothing?” She repeated and he could practically feel the raised eyebrow.
“Just some family stuff,” He told her vaguely. “Not case related.”
“Ah.”
Any further revelations were postponed when Danny’s phone starting vibrating on the corner of his desk. He dug messily through a pile of loose papers before he could answer it, heart rate picking up a little when he saw that the call number read Renzulli.
“Is Jamie okay?” He blurted as soon as the line connected.
“Well,” Renzulli sounded rather reluctant, but not surprised at Danny’s astute guess about the call. “Yes and no.”
“Yes and no?” Danny asked incredulously. “Start talking Sarge.”
“He’s okay in that he’s not hurt,” Renzulli clarified. “He’s not in the hospital. But he needs to get picked up and supervised for at least the next 12 hours and I didn’t think I should call the PC about it, ya know?”
Danny relaxed a little, relieved that Jamie hadn’t been shot. “Then what’s wrong with him? Why’s he need to be supervised?”
“So we were responding to a call about elevated noise levels from an apartment,” Renzulli got into his storytelling mode, memories of Danny’s own days under the irascible Italians tutelage coming to mind. “We get there and the guy is obviously high. He sees us, bolts, and tries to get to the bathroom to flush his stash. Instead, he trips, the bag falls, and he’s right in front of a fan. The rookie got a face full of it.”
Danny was already to the car by the time Renzulli had finished his explanation, Jackie following him. “A face full of what?!” Danny demanded, getting into the passenger seat, talking louder over the engine starting.
Renzulli sighs on the other end. “Lab boys say it’s cocaine.”
“Shit,” Danny hisses, leaning back heavily into his seat, rubbing a hand across his weary face.
“That’s about the size of it,” Renzulli agreed. “The paramedics gave him Narcon and he shouldn’t be in any danger, but you know —”
“Yeah,” Danny agreed, “I’ll make sure to look out for him until it wears off. We’ll be there in twenty.”
“Good,” Renzulli said, pausing before he continued. “Jamie’s a good kid, he’ll be fine,” Then he hung up.
“What’s wrong with Jamie?” Jackie asked as she drove their unmarked police car towards he 12th precinct.
“He got a face full of cocaine during a routine noise complaint call,” Danny tells her. “Looks like I’ll be taking the rest of the day off.”
Jackie agreed with him, driving in silence while Danny called Gormley and figured out the details of his time off before he also called their father to explain what was going on, and then Linda to tell her. By the time they got to their destination, Danny had run the gantlet and was wound like a spring, waiting to see how the high was affecting his kid brother. As far as he knew, Jamie had never done drugs and he wouldn’t wish the impending comedown on anyone. Especially his kid brother.
Letting Jackie respond with pleasantries to the occasional greeting, Danny headed towards the locker room, Renzulli meeting him just outside of it.
“Glad you got here so fast,” he said, raising a hand to forestall Danny’s entrance to the locker room. “Just wait a sec, will ya?”
“Talk to me,” Danny said, nearly vibrating with tension. “How’s he doing?”
“Well he was talking to what he called a ‘singing cactus’ in the corner earlier,” Renzulli said with an arched eyebrow. “So you tell me.”
In any other situation, his brothers reaction would have been funny. “Hallucinations?”
“Eh, sorta,” Renzulli hedged. “He also doesn’t always recognize everybody. He knows me, but he called some of the guys different names. All friendly like, still being Jamie, ya know?”
“Yeah, I know,” Danny knew exactly how friendly his brother could be. Their temperaments were nearly the complete opposite of each other - part of the never-ending fights between them. Danny continually unwilling to back down from a position he’d taken, even if he knew it was wrong, and Jamie not backing down, but not trying to brow beat his older brother either.
Jamie was so much like Joe that it hurt.
But not nearly as much as it hurt a moment later when Jamie saw him approach, sitting on the locker room bench.
“Joe!”
Danny was frozen as Jamie hurried up to him, giving him a bear hug, something he hadn’t gotten from his little brother since - well, since longer than was good for either of them, to be honest. He heard the little intakes of breath from Jackie and Renzulli, finally forcing himself to move, respond, anything, when Jamie pulled back from Danny’s stiff embrace.
“What’s wrong Joe?” Jamie asked him, a frown creasing his forehead. “Aren’t you happy to see me?”
“I’m always happy to see you, Jamie,” Danny said, shooting a warning glance at the others, indicating they should play along. “You ready to go?”
“Yeah,” Jamie smiled at Renzulli, still clinging to Danny’s arm. “Sarge said I get the day off. Did Christmas come early?”
“You could say that, kid,” Danny muttered, steering his brother toward the door. “Let’s go.”
Jamie followed along willingly, Jackie bringing up the rear as they left the precinct, getting into the unmarked, Jackie behind the wheel. Danny got Jamie into the backseat and then slid into the passenger side. He had a feeling it would be a good idea if Jamie couldn’t see his face.
“Joe,” Jamie piped up once he’d had his fill of looking out at traffic. “Did you get the flower order?”
Flower order? “Of course I did, Jamie,” Danny said. “The lady said they’ll be ready tomorrow.”
“Did you get the pink carnations? You know those were moms favorite.”
“Uh,” Danny was thrown for a loop once again. “Yeah. Yeah, Jamie, I got the carnations.”
“Good, cause Sarge said I got tomorrow off too so it’s perfect to go visit her.”
“We’ll do that, Jamie,” Danny told him, studiously avoiding his partner’s questioning look. “There anything you want to do tonight? Since you're off shift?”
And that was how Jamie ended up defending his salad choices as they pulled up to the apartment complex. Danny helped him out and waved Jackie off before heading up to Jamie’s apartment. Maybe if he could just get Jamie settled and he’d fall asleep, they could avoid any awkward conversations.
Gently prompting Jamie to go change, Danny sat on the couch, flipping to a hockey game. When Jamie returned, he sat down beside Danny, chattering about the players and the season and the scores. Eventually, he quieted, leaning back into the sofa, nearly curling against Danny’s side.
Despite the circumstances, it was nice. Jamie and Joe had always been closer, Joe only three years older than Jamie compared to Danny’s ten. And why not? Danny thought taking the plunge, putting an arm around his kid brother and pulling him closer to sleep against his side.
Nearly convinced Jamie had finally fallen asleep, Danny was surprised when Jamie murmured into his shoulder, “Danny’s mad at me again, Joe, and I don’t know what I did.”
Was this how he’d been making the kid feel? Danny felt shame wash over him and anger - aimed more at himself - because Joe must be having a conniption wherever he was, watching them up above. Joe had always been able to talk to both Danny and Jamie - he had been the bridge between them. And now he was gone.
Maybe he just had to build a new bridge, the thought came to Danny as Jamie cuddled closer, like he had sometimes when he was just a little fella. Because he’d missed this, the easy friendship they’d used to share. The friendship that had fallen apart after Joe’s passing.
Clearing his throat, realizing that he hadn’t answered the question, “You know Danny, Jamie — always likes to be right.”
Jamie sighs. “Ain’t that the truth?”
“But …” Danny as Joe continues through a throat that’s dry as the Sahara. “You know he cares about you? Everything he’s ever done was to keep you safe — to keep both of us safe — even if he does take a strong arm approach to it, most of the time.”
“Yeah,” Jamie sighs. “I know. I just wish he’d realize that I’m not the little kid who always needed help on the monkey bars, ya know? I’m a cop —”
“And a damn good one,” Danny says. Because he knows Jamie’s a good cop, in the same way Joe was a good cop, in the way that Danny isn’t because he’s all rough edges and impatience. “But …” Gathering his thoughts, finally voicing what he’s been hiding deep down behind his gruff exterior. “He’s just scared. Of losing you.”
Of losing you like I lost Joe — the sight of their other brother’s body laid out in the morgue, still and bloodless — the memory of his father’s quiet sobs, from a man who he’d only seen cry twice in his life … Danny had never wanted to see it again.
“But the way he works,” Jamie says, still huddled against him as the sound of the TV goes on in the background, neither of them really listening. “Doesn’t he know we’d miss him, too? It’s not just him who’s scared — we’re all part of a dangerous business, but we’ve gotta come to terms with it.” Looking up into Danny’s face where he sits, frozen on the couch having put his heart on display. “Doesn’t he ever think about the hole he’d leave?”
And damn if that doesn’t break his heart.
“Cum’mere,” He says, drawing Jamie closer, and pulling the blanket over him. “That’s enough for now. Go to sleep, okay?”
“Mmm.” Jamie mumbles, sounding six instead of twenty-nine. “Okay.”
Watching over him, Danny eventually falls asleep himself, the TV on low volume. He’s enjoying it while he can. Because he’s not sure if he’ll ever repeat the confession when Jamie is himself again.
But maybe … Jamie will remember it. Maybe there’s something of their old friendship left that had survived Joe leaving them.
He can only hope. And dream happy dreams.
————————————————
When he wakes, Jamie’s head buzzes like a swarm of bees.
The light hurts, his head hurts — he just hurts. His anguished moan must bring Danny because he’s aware of his big brother talking to him.
“—this. Drink this.” The cool glass his held to his lips and Jamie gulps at it, finishing the water in record time, then working on the apple juice bottle he’s handed after.
“What happened?” He eventually asked once he felt more human.
“Renzulli said you got a faceful of cocaine during a bust. Don’t worry — they gave you Narcon fast.” Extinguishing Jamie’s rising fear. “I took you back to your place, made sure you were alright.”
Groaning as all the possibilities come to mind, he asks, “Did I do anything weird?”
“Nah,” Danny gives a strained chuckle after a few moments of silence. “Were even more friendly, if that’s possible.”
Ignoring the dig (he was used to Danny saying he was too soft) Jamie focuses on his apple juice, and then the package of saltines he’s handed soon after. Danny’s being awfully considerate. He’s surprised Danny isn’t telling him to man up and stop being a baby. But wonders never cease, because Danny sticks around, helping him to the little bathroom so he can take a shower, making sure he takes some ibuprofen for the headache. When he feels half human again, he emerges, sitting at his kitchen table as Danny putters around. He spots the familiar restaurant logo next to the stove where Danny is warming up some chicken soup.
“You don’t gotta stay, ya know?” Jamie says, after he’s watched for a while. “I can take care of myself. Sure Linda’s missing you.”
“I know you can,” Danny says, not looking at him, “But what kinda big brother would I be if I didn’t make sure you were okay before I went?”
You’d be your usual self, Jamie thought, even though he knew it was uncharitable. Deep down, Danny cared.
Probably.
“Look,” Danny eventually says, stumbling and starting, trying to talk, trying to actually explain for once. “I know I’m a hard ass — I’ve always been a hard ass, but —” He turns from the stove to meet Jamie’s eyes. Changing tack abruptly. “I miss Joe too, ya know?”
And Jamie does know, he misses the buffer that Joe had always been, he misses the easy companionship that the three of them used to have. Sure they’d gotten on each others nerves a lot, but they’d been brothers — them against the world. (And Erin, too.) He missed that. As he eats the soup, snippets of something rise to the front of his mind, frowning as he hears Danny’s voice.
He’s just scared. Of losing you. Joe’s words in Danny’s voice.
“Did Renzulli say if I have tomorrow off, too?” Jamie asks, a plan forming.
“Called a little while ago — said you can come back in on Thursday. (It was Tuesday.)
So Jamie has time. “Do you wanna go visit him?” Jamie asks.
There’s only one him who he could mean. “I already told Linda I wouldn’t be back until tomorrow.” Danny said, a million things in his voice. “You eat that, then we’ll head out, okay?”
“Can we get him flowers?” James says, before he can think better of it. “We’ve gotta visit mom, too.”
“I think they’d both like that,” Danny gives him a little grin, going to clean up the mess he’d made.
And it’s not an automatic fix, but it’s the beginning of something, two broken pieces trying to find a way to make a puzzle without a vital piece.
It’ll have to be enough.
Family is a long road — but they’ll make it in the end.