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It had been three months since they had gotten married and Kaveh still couldn’t believe that he was planning his wedding. That Alhaitham loved him back. That he was ready to spend the rest of his life with Kaveh despite all his problems and issues and well, everything. It felt like a dream. Like at any moment, he’d wake up and be back to being just roommates.
And yet, every morning he got to wake up to Alhaitham’s heartbeat and his head resting on his own. It was bliss. Yet there was one thing that wasn’t perfect. Despite all the times Alhaitham had told him “I love you”, Kaveh had never said it back.
He wanted to but the words escaped him. He knew why. It was because he was scared. Scared the moment he told Alhaitham “I love you”, he would wake up from this dream or Alhaitham would leave him just like his father. Still, he was determined to tell him and he was going to do it tonight.
That’s what he was doing in the living room when Alhaitham finally woke up. He was so deep in thought, he didn’t notice his husband come up behind him until his arms wrapped around Kaveh’s shoulder. He felt Alhaitham bury his nose in his hair. “Good morning love.”
Kaveh hummed and brought up his hands to cover his. “Good morning Haiyi.”
It was strange, to see this shift in Alhaitham’s behavior. He was still the same stubborn infuriating man he’d always known, but now, he was much more physically affectionate. Even if his face didn’t show any emotions, he did it through his actions. Thinking back, he always had. Kaveh was just noticing more now.
After a while, Alhaitham lifted his head slightly and rested his chin on his head. “What are you working on?”
He looked down at the notes about flower arrangements and the wines his husband preferred. Only the flowers were for the wedding. “Just some more wedding planning.”
“Don’t stress yourself. There’s no rush.”
“I know but…I just want it to be perfect.”
He really did. It had to be. For the perfect man, he wanted to make the perfect wedding that encapsulated everything he loved about him and their relationship. And yet, his husband took a seat behind him and moved his arms from around his shoulders to around his waist, and then leaned his head onto his shoulder. “It doesn’t need to be perfect. You’ll burn yourself out long before the wedding,” He placed a quick kiss on his cheek, “As long as I have you, it’ll be perfect.”
Kaveh sat in silence for a moment. Alhaitham really was too good for him. He didn’t deserve him. And yet… “I know. I just want it to be special.”
“You know I love you?”
“...Yeah.”
“Then that’s all I need for it to be special. Just you and me.”
And yet he couldn’t help but feel like he was depriving Alhaitham of something. That he wasn’t enough. If he could just say those three simple words to him, maybe then he’d be enough. Eventually, Kaveh twisted around so that he was nose-to-nose with his husband. “I have to go meet a client today. I’ll be back before dinner though.”
He did have a client but it wouldn’t take that long. He needed the extra time to set up his romantic night. However, Alhaitham didn’t need to know that.
For a moment, Alhaitham looked like a grumpy kitten before reluctantly nodding. “If you’re not, I’ll drag you home myself.”
“You can’t do that.”
“Why not? I just want my dear husband by my side.” And he took a small nip at his ear.
“Haiyi!” Kaveh whined before pushing him away and wiggling free of his hold, “You’re like a big kitten.”
“I’m your big kitten.”
Kaveh had to look away to prevent him from seeing the blush that quickly overtook his cheeks. He heard his husband laugh as he crawled away and made his way over to the door. Quickly, he pulled on his shoes and then his cape, and then his bag. He turned back towards his giant kitten, only to meet with a kiss on the lips.
For a moment, he indulged in the sweetness before breaking away. He bopped his husband on the nose. “Don’t miss me too much.”
“I always do.”
If he ended up flushing again, he was already out the door.
—
The trip to Lambard’s tavern was easy and grabbing the wine was simple enough, along with some food. He wasn’t picky about it, he knew his husband would eat whatever he provided. Now he just had to wait. Alhaitham would come to whether he wanted him to or not, especially after it ticked past midnight. That was what he was counting on as he set up the candles and wine glasses under one of the gazebos in Razan Garden. It was one of his and Alhaitham’s favorite spots when they were students.
It would be the perfect place to proclaim his love.
Once the table was set, he sat down and began the anxious wait for his husband to arrive. If he had timed it correctly, he should arrive within the hour. And as he expected, about twenty minutes later, his husband appeared in the garden. As soon as he caught sight of Kaveh and the scene in front of him, he froze, but just for a moment.
Eventually, he walked up to the table. “What’s all this for?”
“Can’t I have a nice dinner with my husband?”
“You hate fancy dinners. You complained about it before.”
“Well yes, but this is a special occasion,” He stood, ushering Alhaitham into his seat before returning to his, “Now eat your food before it gets cold.”
“Yes dear.”
The meal went as planned and once the food was eaten, it was time to break out the wine. His hands must have been shaking when he did because Alhaitham suddenly had wrapped his hands around his own. “What is all this really about?”
“I don’t know what you mean. Now if you just-”
“You’ve been acting strangely all day. You said you didn’t want wine at the wedding and yet it was in your notebook today. And I stopped by Lambad’s on my way here. He said your meeting ended at 2 pm. So what’s going on in that head of yours?”
He should have known Alhaitham would notice. When did he not notice things? Resigned, he lowered the bottle. “You always tell me I love you and yet, I’ve never said it back. I-I wanted to get the courage to do it tonight so I set up all of this.”
He looked away. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting from Alhaitham but a part of him expected him to realize that Kaveh wasn’t worth his love. That he shouldn’t love someone who can’t express it back. Instead, he felt his hand cup his face and turn it back towards him, his red eyes staring into his husband’s teal ones. “You don’t need to say anything.”
“Haiyi-”
“No, let me finish,” he sighed, “I know how your mind works Kaveh, almost as well as my own. And I know how cruel your thoughts can be to you. However, even if I have to remind you every day, I will always love you and I know you do too. Everything you do, from this dinner to our wedding and even the little things you do around the house, all of that tells me that you love me. So even if you are never ready to say it to me, I know you will love me.”
He could feel the tears beginning to gather in his eyes. He didn’t deserve this. But if Alhaitham was willing to do so much for him, to carry this weight with him, then Kaveh could ask well. He could spend his whole life next to him. “Haiyi?”
“Yes dear?”
“I…I…,” he swallowed hard before leaning into him for a kiss. And they kissed until he was out of breath. They pressed their foreheads together. “I love you Haiyi.”
“I love you too,” He kissed his forehead and then his cheek, and then his nose, “I love you so much.”
“And I, you.”
Maybe he couldn’t always say “I love you.” Maybe it would be a rare phrase murmured in moments of passion and peace. Maybe one day he’d be able to say it without worry. Yet, under the lights of the Razan Garden, Kaveh felt wholly loved and he knew Alhaitham did too.