Archive of Our Own ^beta

Kaveh wakes up to fifteen missed calls from Tighnari, over three-hundred messages from various group chats, and an alert that his name is trending on Twitter.

And according to his phone, it’s only 11 AM.

“What the fuck,” he mutters, sitting up straight in bed so he can scroll through the notifications. What is this about? Was he nominated for some great award, or did photos of him getting drunk off his ass downtown last weekend resurface? He never knows what to expect.

He only manages to open Twitter before Tighnari calls him. Again. Kaveh picks up, putting him on speaker.

“Kaveh!” His agent sounds stressed. That’s not a good sign. Usually, Tighnari is a calming presence in Kaveh’s life, even when he’s nagging him about protecting his public image and taking care of his liver. “Did you just wake up?”

“Yeah,” Kaveh says, scrolling to figure out why the internet has gone up in flames again. “What’s going on, Tighnari?” He pauses. “Why on earth is #AlhaithamKavehFeud trending?”

Kaveh never knew they had a feud, and he certainly wouldn’t call it that. Is Alhaitham one of the rudest actors he has ever had the displeasure of meeting? Well, yes. Are they rarely able to keep up civil pretenses around each other when they’re forced to interact? Also yes. Did Kaveh once throw a drink at Alhaitham at a party? Take a wild guess.

But a full-blown feud?

What happened? He wasn’t even drunk last night, so surely he didn’t do something he can’t remember. This can’t be his fault.

“Also, whatever this is, it isn’t my fault,” Kaveh adds.

He expects Tighnari to be suspicious, but all he hears is a sigh. “You may be right, for once. It’s a lot to explain, but Alhaitham said something about you in an Instagram live Q&A last night, and now the public is convinced the two of you hate each other.”

“They wouldn’t be wrong,” Kaveh says, trying to rub the sand from his eyes. So Alhaitham said some stupid shit and dragged his name into it. Just another day in the Teyvat film industry. “Why is this my problem?”

“The problem is that this is terrible for both of your reputations!” Tighnari sighs, loudly. “Look, we’re trying to do damage control right now. Can you be at my office in ten? It’ll be easier to explain in person.”

Kaveh peers at himself in the mirror. His hair is a mess. “Fifteen.”

“Fine.” Tighnari pauses. “Thank you, Kaveh.”

“Yeah, yeah, no problem.” Kaveh hangs up. He still doesn’t feel fully awake, let alone capable of processing whatever is happening to him. Breaking news is spilled all the time. Surely whatever happened will blow over, as it always does, and things will return to normal, and he will never have to think about Alhaitham again.

Before Kaveh leaves the house, he tries to find out what exactly Alhaitham said about him.

It’s not difficult. All he has to do is click on the trending tag to see the thirty-second clip that has apparently been making rounds on the internet all morning. He starts the video, and a familiar face fills the screen.

Alhaitham has always been unfairly hot, in that stoic, action-hero way that probably makes his fans go crazy over him. Even in the comfort of what is presumably his own sparsely-decorated living room, he refuses to smile.

“Are there any actors in your company you really want to work with?” Video-clip-Alhaitham reads aloud from the screen, then glances off into the distance, clearly thinking carefully about his answer. “One that comes to mind is Nilou. I admire her creativity and dedication to her craft. We would learn a lot from each other. Unfortunately, I don’t think I will be starring in any musical theatre films anytime soon, so I may never have the chance.”

Kaveh has a feeling he knows where this is going.

“Are there any actors you don’t want to work with?” Video-clip-Alhaitham’s expression changes in an instant. “Kaveh.”

Kaveh’s jaw drops. He wouldn’t want to work with Alhaitham either. In fact, Alhaitham would be lucky if he ever gets the chance!

Even Alhaitham seems to be surprised at how quickly he answered. “Why Kaveh?” He pauses, wiping the frown from his face with clearly practiced ease. “Well, I believe in keeping my professional and personal lives separate.”

The video ends.

xoxo gossip girl 🍵 @TeyvatCelebriTea

Clip from Alhaitham’s live Q&A last night. Proof that Alhaitham and Kaveh secretly hate each other? #AlhaithamKavehFeud

[Video]

@kavehsbackwindow: THAT BITCH? KAVEH WOULD NEVER WORK W HIS BORING ASS EITHER #cancelalhaitham

@Steve1093575720: This is really unprofessional behavior from Haitham. It doesn’t make sense for him to speak about a coworker so disparagingly. Is there more than meets the eye here?

@haithamhour: honestly? he’s right and he should say it

Kaveh arrives at the company building twenty minutes later, knocking on the door to Tighnari’s office. It isn’t Tighnari who opens the door. Instead, Kaveh comes face-to-face with Alhaitham.

“You’re late,” Alhaitham says.

Kaevh pushes past him to enter the room. “Tighnari. What--”

He pauses, then, because he realizes that there is a fourth person in the room. Cyno, one of the other agents in the company. They’ve met a few times at company events, although Kaveh always ran away when Cyno started telling horrendous jokes. He must be Alhaitham’s agent.

He doesn’t seem to be in a joking mood today. Perhaps that’s for the best.

“Is this an intervention?” Kaveh says, settling into one of the plush chairs.

“In a way, yes,” Tighnari says, sounding exhausted. Kaveh wonders when he woke up, and how many hours of sleep he got. Not everyone can sleep through loud phone notifications like him. “Thank you for joining us, Kaveh.”

“Did I have a choice?” Kaveh jerks his head in the direction of Alhaitham, who sits down in one of the other chairs. “Clearly, I didn’t get to decide whether this asshole was going to run his mouth about me and land us in this mess.”

Alhaitham stays silent.

“I want you both to understand the gravity of the situation we’re dealing with,” Cyno says quickly, passing each of them a stack of printed files. “Video compilations of every interaction the two of you have ever had are trending on YouTube. The Sumeru Times is calling this a long-standing rivalry that has apparently made both of you incredibly difficult to work with in various professional settings. The Daily Bulletin has even reported that Alhaitham is homophobic, and others are starting to believe it.”

Both Kaveh and Alhaitham swivel their heads around to stare at Cyno.

“Look through all the articles. Alhaitham: secretly a raging homophobe? What Alhaitham’s stance on queer romance stars tells us about his personal beliefs. THE TRUTH IS OUT: Alhaitham hates homosexuals—”

“Who listens to the Daily Bulletin?” Alhaitham asks. “They’re an insult to journalistic integrity.”

Kaveh groans. How does Alhaitham not understand how the sphere of public opinion works by now, after all these years in the industry? “People eat that up, you idiot. They’ll believe anything that entertains them.”

Tighnari clears his throat. “Apparently, they believe that when you were talking about Kaveh’s lack of work-life separation, you were referring to the public nature of his past relationships with other men.”

“Real tactful, Tighnari,” Kaveh says. He gets ignored.

So what if he’s been publicly involved with some of his past co-stars? They were cool people, and he liked working with them. In his opinion, the media’s attitudes toward his dating history are completely unnecessary at best, and bigoted at worst.

“Well, I’m not homophobic,” Alhaitham says plainly. “I can just tweet that, and then we’re done here. I don’t see why this intervention is necessary.”

Kaveh is suddenly overcome with sympathy for Cyno.

“It’s not that simple,” Cyno says, sounding slightly pained. “That still won’t provide an explanation for what you said about Kaveh. Tighnari and I were discussing potential solutions, and we decided that the best option is for you two to pretend to be best friends.”

For the second time that morning, Kaveh’s jaw drops, and he isn’t sure if he’ll be able to pick it back up.

Alhaitham is the one who speaks into the ensuing silence. “Pardon me?”

“It makes a lot of sense,” Tighnari says. Kaveh isn’t sure whether he’s trying to convince them, or himself. “You instantly responded to the question as an inside joke between you and Kaveh, but then realized that the nature of your friendship isn’t common news to the public. You would actually just prefer to keep your professional and private life separate and work with colleagues, not your closest friends. See, it was all a big inside joke between you and your secret best friend, and it was all a misunderstanding.”

Kaveh scoffs. “Oh, please! Us as best friends? Nobody would believe it. You might as well have us pretend to be lovers!”

He waits for Tighnari and Cyno to roll their eyes or shake their heads or say, Haha, good one, Kaveh, we should get you on a stand-up comedy show in addition to all your amazing gigs. He doesn’t expect them to exchange a serious look.

Dread washes over Kaveh. “No. No, Tighnari, you cannot be serious. It was a joke. Because it was an awful idea—”

“No, it was actually an incredible idea,” Tighnari says. “The two of you should pretend to date. It makes so much sense!”

“I’m not going to fake date him!” Kaveh snaps. “He’s homophobic!”

“I’m not homophobic.” Alhaitham sounds remarkably calm. “I’m literally gay.”

That gives Kaveh pause, and he sneaks a sideways glance at the other actor. He didn’t know that.

Anyways, it doesn’t matter. It hardly changes anything. Alhaitham can do whatever he wants with his love life; it has no relevance to Kaveh. “I am not fake dating him, and that’s final.”

“Then the entire industry is going to believe that the two of you are immature and can’t keep your interpersonal conflicts to yourselves,” Cyno warns. “They’re going to think Alhaitham is homophobic.”

“That’s really not my problem.”

“Hundreds of thousands of people have seen the video already. This drama will be associated with you for months, at least,” Tighnari says. “Kaveh, think about all the projects you have lined up for the second half of this year.”

Kaveh freezes. He’s really, really excited about some of his upcoming projects. He poured his heart and soul into them, hoping the public would receive them warmly.

More importantly, so many people have worked on those projects alongside him. They’ve placed their trust in him to carry out their artistic vision, and they’ve supported him through the ups and downs of his career.

Will this negative bout of publicity actually ruin the crews’ years of hard work? All because of his alleged feud with Alhaitham?

He knows the answer. He knows how the media works, knows how they jump on any opportunity to tear people down from their pedestals. Any drama associated with his name could shadow him for months.

“Give them something else to talk about,” Tighnari says, “so they move on from this. Let something new and exciting capture their attention for a few months. It might even expand your fanbases—you know the public loves a romance.”

A few months. Kaveh tries to imagine dealing with the insufferable actor next to him for a few months. Pretending to date him.

Would it be worth it?

“No.”

They argue for another hour. At least, it feels like an hour to Kaveh, but it might be more like ten minutes. At some point, Alhaitham miraculously decides that he is alright with this plan, but only if Kaveh is willing to “be mature” about it.

Naturally, Kaveh flips him off and tells him he is always mature, and that Alhaitham is the idiot that forgot everything he ever learned in his public image training.

“This is why it would not work out,” Alhaitham tells Cyno. “I cannot deal with this man-child.”

“I’m right here! Hello?”

Alhaitham ignores him.

Kaveh can’t believe this is happening. “Are you even okay with being in a public relationship with a man? Nobody should be forced to come out to deal with a PR crisis.”

“While your concern is touching, it is misplaced. I am not actively keeping my sexual orientation a secret,” Alhaitham says. His eyes narrow in on Kaveh. “I just don’t flaunt my love life in the public eye.”

That sets off another round of arguing. Kaveh was just trying to be considerate.

Eventually, Alhaitham crosses his arms, tilts his chin up at Kaveh, and taunts, “So this is what kind of actor you are? Too proud of yourself to even act for a few months to save the integrity of your actual projects? Do you care so little for your work?”

What a gross mischaracterization of everything he stands for. In response to that, Kaveh tells Tighnari and Cyno heatedly, “Fine! I’ll do it, and I’ll be the most convincing fake boyfriend this world has ever seen! Happy?”

So, here he is, listening to Tighnari and Cyno discuss how to launch a fake relationship. Kaveh and Alhaitham’s fake relationship. He wants to vomit, but his stomach is empty from the lack of breakfast.

“Give me your number,” Alhaitham says, holding out his phone.

“How romantic. I’m swooning.”

“I need your number so we can plan.”

“Fine.” Kaveh types in his number with far more force than necessary and shoves the phone back into Alhaitham’s palm.

“That’s a great idea. We’ll make a group chat for all of us to communicate,” Tighnari says. Kaveh is beginning to question Tighnari’s taste in ideas. “Let’s review the plan. Over the next few days, the two of you will be photographed going on casual dates together. At the end of the week, you will be interviewed on Good Morning Teyvat to officially announce your relationship. We’ll cash in on all the publicity that a relationship PR stunt has to offer. Oh, aren’t they doing another season of Lovebirds of Paradise soon?”

“I’ll look into it,” Cyno says.

“Thank you. Any questions?”

Kaveh grimaces, but it’s Alhaitham who speaks up. “When will this be over?”

“Whenever we need it to be,” Cyno says. “Right now, based on our analysis of current media cycles and celebrity relationships, we anticipate needing at least three months, but we will revisit that when the time comes.”

Then, his gaze becomes sharper as he turns it directly onto the two of them. “The success of this plan rides on the effort you two put in to make it as convincing as possible. I don’t care if you hate each other. You’re actors. Act.”

Kaveh can certainly do that. Right?

Their first date is at Puspa Café.

Kaveh likes Puspa Café. He likes that it’s one of the few places in town that serves authentic Sumeru-style coffee, and he likes listening to the storyteller. Naturally, he avoids it during its busiest hours for fear of being recognized, but Enteka, the manager, is usually good about finding him a quiet corner where he won’t be disturbed.

He doesn’t like bringing Alhaitham into his private corner. He especially hates that they’re on a fake date to produce some candid photographs to leak to the press, kicking off this whole charade.

To Enteka’s credit, she hides her surprise at seeing them together well. “Good afternoon, Mr. Kaveh. What can I get for you and your companion today?”

“I’ll have my usual coffee,” he says. “And a bowl of rose custard, please.”

“I’ll share the custard with him,” Alhaitham says.

Kaveh frowns. When did he say Alhaitham was allowed to share his custard? Still, remembering they’re supposed to be a loving couple, he flashes Enteka his kindest smile. “Thank you so much.”

The second Enteka is out of earshot, he hisses, “Why couldn’t you order your own?”

“That would not be very romantic of us,” Alhaitham says nonchalantly. “Couples commonly share their food. I’ve also never been here, so this prevents me from having to make a decision.”

It makes sense that Alhaitham has never been here. He probably thinks himself too good for everyday cafés.

“You’re a regular here,” Alhaitham observes.

“Yes. I like their coffee,” Kaveh says. For some reason, he feels the need to say it defensively. “You’re welcome for sharing my special corner with you.”

Predictably, Alhaitham does not thank him. Instead, his eyes seem to trail downward. “Should we kiss before or after we consume the rose custard?”

With a jolt, Kaveh realizes Alhaitham is looking at his lips.

“I can’t believe you,” he hisses. The way he asked so casually, as if discussing the direction for a line…

“We’re here to fake our relationship,” Alhaitham says matter-of-factly.

“That doesn’t mean we need to go straight to kissing,” Kaveh says. “The most natural thing to do would be to ease into this. We could hold hands, feed each other custard, and do other things that normal couples do. But you don’t know very much about that, do you?”

Alhaitham’s eyes narrow. “Unlike you, I keep my past relationships private.”

Kaveh is about to throw his hands in the air and abandon this fake relationship entirely before he spots Enteka returning to them with a tray. He quickly plasters on his previous smile. He didn’t win two Akademiya Awards for nothing.

“Thank you,” Alhaitham tells Enteka curtly.

“My pleasure.” Her eyes dart between the two of them rapidly. “Is there anything else I can get—”

“That’ll be all. We just ask that you give us some…” Alhaitham winks at Kaveh. “Privacy.”

He is so annoying. Kaveh wants to throttle him. He picks up his mug of coffee, sipping on it to quell the violent urges, and nearly curses as the scalding liquid burns his tongue.

Alhaitham merely watches him, his expression betraying nothing.

“Stop staring at me,” Kaveh says. He nods toward the rose custard and the two spoons Enteka left them. “Help yourself.”

“Aren’t you going to feed me, Kaveh? Isn’t that what normal couples do?”

Kaveh grits his teeth. So this is how Alhaitham wants to play? Fine. Kaveh will beat him at his own game.

“Whatever you want, dearest,” he says, delighting in the way Alhaitham’s eyes flash. He scoops a spoonful of the custard and holds it to Alhaitham’s mouth. “Open wide.”

He hears the distant click of a camera and hopes that the scene looks convincing enough.

At the end of Kaveh’s worst first date ever—which is truly saying something—Alhaitham grabs his hand.

Kaveh pauses. They are right at the street entrance to the parking lot, in full view of the pedestrians and cars passing by. He concentrates on the unfamiliar warmth of Alhaitham’s hand, of how their fingers fit together.

Alhaitham leans in closer, brushing his lips to Kaveh’s ear, and murmurs, “Some paparazzi have spotted us. Do you want to come to my place? My driver can throw off their tail.”

Kaveh squeezes his hand and tries to look in love, and not like he wants to yank his hand out of Alhaitham’s grasp. “Lead the way, sweetheart.”

Alhaitham shoots him a look. Kaveh only smiles in return.

The drive back to Alhaitham’s house is shorter than expected, despite the few detours they take to throw off the paparazzi. It turns out that Alhaitham doesn’t actually live very far from him. Kaveh spends the ride in silence, staring down at his phone and rereading the group chat messages that got him into this situation. If he speaks, that would probably just turn into another argument.

However, he can’t stop the words from spilling out of him when Alhaitham opens the front door. “You live like this?”

He caught a glimpse in the background of Alhaitham’s Instagram live, but seeing it in person is different. The living room has high ceilings and large windows that let in a lot of natural light. Everything is shiny, sleek, and modern. The white walls are too white; the wooden floor is too spotless.

Naturally, Kaveh hates it.

“Is there a problem?”

“It’s so empty.” Other than a few books strewn around the coffee table and couches… “Where are the signs of life?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” says Alhaitham. “I live here, and I clean up after myself.”

Kaveh rolls his eyes, sensing he isn’t going to win this argument. He flops onto the spotless couch—which just has to be ridiculously comfy. “While I’m here, I think we need to go over some basic information. I don’t know anything about you, and you don’t know anything about me. We need to spend more time together to become a convincing couple.”

He waits for Alhaitham to recoil in disgust, or insult him, but Alhaitham merely nods. “It would be beneficial for both of us to learn about each other.”

Kaveh stares at him.

“What?” Alhaitham says.

“Did you just agree with me?”

Alhaitham crosses his arms. “You raised a fair point. Is that so hard for you to believe? I make decisions based on rationality, not emotions.”

“You— Ugh, whatever.” Kaveh waves his hands dismissively. “I think we should memorize some fun facts so we’re prepared if it comes up in interviews. Like, where do you call home? What are your favorite and least favorite foods? What’s your favorite movie?”

Alhaitham sits down on the couch across from him. “Are those the facts you’re most concerned about?”

“They’re important to know, both ways,” Kaveh says. “How long are we supposed to have been dating, again? We don’t have the luxury of getting to know each other slowly and organically, but we need to be able to act as if we have, so we should try to learn everything we can about each other.”

Alhaitham shrugs. “In that case, I grew up in Sumeru City. I don’t have a favorite food, but I prefer to eat dishes that are not in soup form. My favorite film is King Deshret and the Three Magi.”

Kaveh frowns. “Weren’t you in that movie?”

“Yes.”

“Okay,” Kaveh says. “Sure. Anything else?”

“I answered all the questions you asked me.”

“Do you really want to turn this into a game of 21 questions? Just tell me some things about yourself that you think I should know.”

“That’s a vague request,” Alhaitham says. “Hmm. I like to read.” He gestures to the books on the table. “I was a linguistics, philosophy, and mathematics triple major in university.”

“I could find that information by looking at your Wikipedia page,” Kaveh says, grudgingly impressed by the triple majoring. It still doesn’t give Alhaitham a pass to act so obnoxiously all the time. “Come on, give me something else. Something not everyone would be able to know about you.”

“For all your talk, you have yet to reveal anything about yourself,” Alhaitham points out. “Why don’t you show me how it’s done?”

“Fine,” Kaveh says. “You asked for it.”

He spends the next several minutes launching into an elaborate retelling of his life, complete with information about his hobbies, his daily routines, and all of his favorite movies—he has many for different occasions. Surprisingly, Alhaitham never asks him to shut up or get to the point. Instead, he watches with unnerving focus, occasionally nodding along at the right moments.

“Oh, and just so you know, my favorite flowers are padisarahs,” Kaveh adds.

Alhaitham frowns. “Why would I need to know that?”

“Because you’re my fake boyfriend!” Kaveh says. “Aren’t you supposed to buy me flowers and everything? What if an interviewer asks you, Alhaitham, we’re all dying to know, what are Kaveh’s favorite flowers? You have to know the answer!”

“Oh, really? Did all your past boyfriends buy you padisarahs?”

Kaveh doesn’t respond for a moment. When Alhaitham looks at him, he sticks out his chin. “No. They never asked.”

“So why do I have to know this? It’s not realistic.”

“Exactly!” Kaveh groans. “None of this is realistic. We are literally in a fake relationship! So since it’s all fake, you might as well be the best fake boyfriend possible, right?”

“That logic makes no sense,” Alhaitham says.

“I’ll even return the favor. What are your favorite flowers?”

“Don’t get me flowers. They’re too hard to take care of, and they eventually wilt and make a mess.”

Kaveh doesn’t know why he was expecting any other answer.

i need an optometrist @4LH41TH4M

I THINK I JUST SAW ALHAITHAM AND KAVEH HOLDING HANDS OUTSIDE A CAFE

@kavehsbackwindow: lmao no way

@CandehyaSupremacy: Pics or it didnt happen

    @4LH41TH4M: CHECK SANGEMAH BAY’S PAGE THEY POSTED PHOTOS

        @CandehyaSupremacy: HUH

Faru’s viral era @Farustan

Guys this is not a drill I’m at this fancy sushi restaurant and Alhaitham and Kaveh are here… feeding each other sushi… don’t they hate each other or something

[Image]

@haithamhour: enemies to lovers speedrun?

@4LH41TH4M: WHAT IS HAPPENING

@Steve1093575720: This has to be a PR stunt, right? There’s no way this is real

@MarryMeNilou: why would you take this photo without their permission? delete this.

BREAKING: Alhaitham and Kaveh spotted together

Teyvat Entertainment Network

Alhaitham and Kaveh have been spotted together at three different locations this past week, from small neighborhood cafés to the Museum of Art and Wisdom. The two were also photographed getting into the same vehicle. This comes right on the heel of Alhaitham mentioning Kaveh in…

Click here to read full article

Chat with Operation #AlhaithamKavehFeud (Tighnari, Cyno (out of office), Alhaitham, kaveh <3)

Tighnari
Hey lovebirds
Ready for your Good Morning Teyvat appearance tomorrow?
Lumine is really excited to chat with you two! :)

Alhaitham
Yes.

kaveh <3
no :/

Cyno (out of office) has renamed the chat to Operation #AlhaithamKavehFlirtation

Tighnari
@Cyno (out of office) …

Cyno (out of office)
sorry
Anyways, please prepare your cover story if you haven’t already

kaveh <3
yeah we don’t have one yet

Alhaitham
We do. Don’t worry about it.

kaveh <3
???
wdym we do
we didn’t even talk about this
alhaitham? hello??

Chat with Alhaitham

kaveh <3
so are you going to tell me what our cover story is?
don’t ghost me
hellooooooooo
alhaitham
alhaitham
alhaitham

Alhaitham
Just leave it to me.
My driver will pick you up at 5:30 AM. Don’t be late.

kaveh <3
you are the wORST

Lumine is one of the sweetest people Kaveh knows, but even her smile is not enough to get Kaveh through the next hour.

Beside him, on the loveseat that seems too small for two fully-grown men, Alhaitham shifts his weight. If he’s uncomfortable, he doesn’t show it on his face. Nothing can be gleaned from his stony expression.

“Hey, loverboy,” Kaveh hisses under his breath. “You could look a little more excited to be here.”

Alhaitham turns his head to look at him, and his face softens just slightly. Is he smiling? “I could say the same for you, princess.”

Never mind, that’s not a smile—that’s a smirk. “You,” Kaveh bites out with as pleasant of an expression as he can, “are the most annoying, insufferable—”

“We’re going live in 5 minutes!” the short production assistant calls in her high-pitched voice. Kaveh groans and tries to slump further down the loveseat. Which is impossible, given that he’s sharing it with Alhaitham, who is as immovable as a statue.

“Everything alright, Kaveh?” Lumine asks. “Do you want some water?”

“I’m fine,” Kaveh says, letting out a laugh. “I’m just a little nervous! I don’t know how we’re going to be received by the public, and I feel like we have one shot to make this right…”

Technically, he’s telling the truth.

“I understand,” Lumine says softly. “It must be stressful to reveal your relationship to the public after all the attention you’ve received in the past week. I imagine you didn’t want things to turn out like this.”

No, Lumine, I never wanted this to happen, Kaveh would say if he could. I didn’t even want to be involved in this PR stunt in the first place.

But surprisingly, it’s Alhaitham who answers for both of them. “It’s not what I wanted.” He picks up Kaveh’s hand. “But there’s no one else who I’d rather go through all of this with.”

The gentle squeeze he gives Kaveh’s hand is truly the cherry on top of an acting job well done. The cameras aren’t even rolling yet. If Kaveh wasn’t so mad at the man, he might even be impressed.

“That’s adorable,” Lumine says. “Alright. Are we ready?”

Never. “Yes,” Kaveh says. Alhaitham nods.

Soon, they’re live.

“Good morning, Teyvat!” Lumine says. “Welcome back to your favorite source of daily news on the world’s top headlines. For the first segment of today’s show, we are joined by two very special guests. You may have seen them all over your social media feeds this week as we tried to answer the age-old question: Do they hate each other, or do they love each other?”

Kaveh tries very hard not to grimace.

“Please welcome Alhaitham and Kaveh!” Lumine’s eyes are twinkling. “In case you’ve been living under a very large tree, Alhaitham and Kaveh are some of the hottest names in the Teyvat film industry right now. Although Alhaitham’s acting career only started a few years ago, he’s starred in some of the biggest action movies of the decade and become everyone’s favorite superhero. And Kaveh has been a household name for a long time, but he's best known for making us all cry in award-winning queer romances.”

Lumine turns to them. “But that’s not why they’ve been trending this week. Do either of you want to explain #AlhaithamKavehFeud to us?”

Alhaitham sighs. “Last week, I hosted a live Q&A session on Instagram to connect with my fans and answer some of their questions. I… mentioned Kaveh’s name, and some misunderstandings occurred.”

“Misunderstandings?” Lumine repeats. “What do you mean?”

“I said I would not want to work with Kaveh,” Alhaitham says, “because I believed in keeping my personal and professional life separate. Many interpreted that as an insult to Kaveh’s character. When, in reality, the truth is…”

Alhaitham trails off, looking at Kaveh almost expectantly. Kaveh realizes this next part falls to him.

He leans his head against Alhaitham’s shoulder; Alhaitham pulls him closer. His hand lingers at Kaveh’s waist. “We’ve been seeing each other for three months,” Kaveh says, hammering the final nail into his own coffin.

Lumine gasps. “No way! This is certainly a plot twist none of us were expecting. So when you said those words…”

“I said them without thinking. I wouldn’t want to work with Kaveh because I don’t want our professional duties to come between our personal relationship,” Alhaitham says. “But I realize how my words could be misunderstood, and I apologize for the confusion I caused.”

“You’ve never been very good at clear communication,” Kaveh says, reaching out and poking Alhaitham’s cheek. At the disgruntled expression on Alhaitham’s face, he throws back his head and laughs. It’s almost genuine. “We wanted to keep this a secret, but after that video went viral, we decided to clear the air.”

“So… how did this happen?” Lumine asks. “From your past interactions, it seemed like the two of you weren’t particularly close. In fact, I believe most people were under the impression that you disliked each other. Myself included!”

“It’s a long story,” Alhaitham says. “I suppose it started on the day we first met each other.”

Kaveh remembers that day well.

He was visiting the set for Lionsblood to visit his friend Dehya, who played the main character. After catching up with Dehya, he hung around the set and noticed a young man standing off to the side. He looked vaguely familiar. In fact, Kaveh recalled seeing him around the company building before and knew he was one of the newer actors they had signed. This must have been his first project.

Well, as his senior, surely it would be polite for Kaveh to give him some encouragement! He remembered how nervous he had been when starting out, compounded by the fact that he had been many years younger than most of his co-stars. No one had taken him seriously until he proved how passionate he was about acting. Maybe it would be good to befriend this new actor and provide some guidance.

So, he wandered over and tapped the man on the arm. When the man turned around, Kaveh’s breath caught in his throat. He found himself admiring the sharp angles of the other actor’s face, the steely focus in those teal eyes, in stark contrast to the strand of fluffy hair that refused to lie flat on his head. Strangely, Kaveh wanted to reach out and touch it.

He remembered his name, then. Alhaitham.

Then Alhaitham opened his mouth. “What do you want,” he said.

Kaveh stared straight at him as his brain struggled to process those words. When he finally collected his thoughts, Alhaitham had barely moved an inch. “Excuse me?” he demanded. “Why the attitude? I just wanted to greet you and introduce myself.”

“I know who you are,” Alhaitham said.

“Then why are you speaking to your senior in this way?” Kaveh said. “This is incredibly disrespectful.”

“Do you always take things so personally?” Alhaitham asked.

Kaveh shook his head. Clearly, this man had no social skills. There was no point in befriending him when he wasn’t going to last a week in the entertainment industry. “I can’t believe this. Fine. Be like that. Good luck, Alhaitham; you’ll need it.”

Before the younger actor had a chance to respond, Kaveh was already walking away, his blood boiling.

Unfortunately, his predictions turned out to be incorrect, and his hopes were not answered. Despite his bluntness, Alhaitham somehow won the hearts of many viewers and booked gig after gig, from recurring roles in shows to love interests in blockbuster films. Time and time again, Kaveh saw him across the room at cast parties and other social gatherings, and they would always find themselves disagreeing with each other.

It seemed like he could never escape Alhaitham’s orbit, nor could Alhaitham escape his.

In the present day, Alhaitham is telling the same story.

“It was on the set of my first show, Lionsblood,” he says. “I remember seeing Kaveh from across the room, and I was starstruck. I watched his movies, obviously, so I knew who he was. I thought he was an incredible actor and looked up to him very much. In fact, I had a massive crush on him.”

Hah. Yeah, right. Is this his strategy, then? Spin their terrible first meeting into some adorable romantic meet-cute?

“Kaveh came up to me to introduce himself, and…” Alhaitham looks down at his hands. “I panicked. Here I was, face-to-face with one of my greatest inspirations, and I didn’t know what to do. So I asked, ‘What do you want?’”

Lumine chuckles. “I take it you didn’t get off on the right foot?”

“Oh, I absolutely hated him,” Kaveh says.

Alhaitham laughs. Kaveh can hardly believe his ears. “Yes, our first encounter was awful,” he says. “But I was stunned that he even knew my name. So, the next time we saw each other, I apologized. Sincerely. He was kind enough to forgive me. We became acquaintances after that. Every time we spoke, I just fell harder and harder, until three months ago, when I was brave enough to confess my true feelings.”

Finally, he looks Kaveh in the eye. He looks sincere, and even a little apologetic. Truly impressive acting. Too bad everything he just said is a flat-out lie.

A lie uncomfortably close to the truth, but perhaps that’s what makes it so deceitful.

“Here we are now,” Alhaitham says, “and I’m the luckiest man alive.”

It’s unbearably sappy, but Kaveh still looks at him with all the adoration he can muster. Think happy thoughts, he tells himself. Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts…

“That is so romantic,” Lumine coos. “What about you, Kaveh? When did you fall for him?”

Kaveh clears his throat. “With this guy’s temperament? It took me a long time.” He smiles at Alhaitham, whose eyes are trained on him intensely. “But he grows on you. Like E. coli.”

“Poetic,” Alhaitham says.

Kaveh mentally smacks himself on the head. No good script would include that. Why did he say it? Still, he couldn’t resist. “Deep down, I suppose I’ve always known what a good person he is, so when he told me about his feelings, I realized the extent of mine.”

Alhaitham’s hand wraps around Kaveh, coming to rest on the back of his neck. Then, Alhaitham pulls him closer and their mouths meet in a kiss.

Kaveh is too stunned to kiss back. By this time he realizes what’s happening, Alhaitham is already pulling away, the ghost of his soft smile lingering on Kaveh’s lips.

Only Kaveh’s years of experience as a professional actor are keeping him calm right now. He smiles back at Alhaitham, even as all rational thoughts escape his brain and he’s unable to decipher what Lumine says next.

Three months, he reminds himself. Three months until he can fake the most dramatic breakup the Teyvat film industry has ever seen, win the hearts of the entire world, and go back to an Alhaitham-free life.

Later, in Alhaitham’s car, Kaveh says, “You kissed me.”

It was more like a peck than a proper kiss, but still.

Alhaitham doesn’t look at him. “Yes.”

“Why?”

He realizes the question is stupid as soon as it leaves his mouth. Based on Alhaitham’s sigh, he seems to agree. “We are in a fake relationship, Kaveh,” he says. “It seemed like an appropriate moment.”

“You could’ve given me a warning.”

Alhaitham turns to him. “True. I apologize for kissing you with no warning. In the future, should I ask for your permission each time?”

“What?” That’s surprisingly considerate. “I mean, no, that’s not necessary, but maybe give me a heads-up. So I expect it.” So he can mentally prepare.

“Alright,” Alhaitham says. “You don’t need to ask permission before kissing me, either, but I would also appreciate some advance notice, unless your intentions are obvious.”

This conversation is painfully awkward. “Noted,” Kaveh says stiffly. “Anything else you want to talk about right now?”

“No,” Alhaitham says. “Why? Do you have something to discuss?”

Kaveh rolls his eyes. “No.” Then, because he can’t resist the jab, “But just so you know, your kissing skills could really use some work.”

Alhaitham raises an eyebrow. “I wouldn’t kiss you passionately on national television at seven in the morning. People’s grandmothers watch Good Morning Teyvat—”

Kaveh’s phone rings.

“It’s from Tighnari.” Kaveh picks it up and holds it to his ear. “Hey! What did you think?”

“Amazing job! Very convincing. Congratulations on your performance, both of you,” Tighnari’s voice says through the phone. “It was the perfect amount of heartwarming and cute. I especially liked Alhaitham’s story.”

“Thanks, Tighnari,” Kaveh says. Then, to Alhaitham, “He says we did great, but I was the star of the show and you dragged me down. Try harder next time.”

“I can hear him through your phone,” Alhaitham says dryly.

“I can also hear what you’re telling him, Kaveh,” Tighnari says. “Anyways, back to the topic at hand. Now that we’ve made it official, it’s time to see how the public responds.”

Good Morning Teyvat @Official_GoodMorningTeyvat

Thanks for joining us today, @officialkaveh and @Alhaitham! Tell us your favorite moment from their interview in the comments below for a chance to win a romantic getaway for two in the Golden Apple Archipelago. Winners will be announced on Friday at 11:59 PM TST.

[Image]

BARKBARKBARKBARKBARK BARKBARKBARK @kavehsbackwindow

the GMT interview… im gonna sleep on the highway tonight what the hell

aramani @haithamhour

i honestly never thought the day would come but did you guys see the way alhaitham looked at kaveh??? he’s WHIPPED omg

[Images]

Chat with Alhaitham

Alhaitham
Can you come to my house this afternoon?
We need to talk about some other things.

kaveh <3
ofc shawty 🥵🥵🥵

Alhaitham
…
I hope you’ll take this conversation seriously.

kaveh <3
Seriously is my middle name

Alhaitham
Seriously?

kaveh <3
that’s my (middle) name
don’t wear it out

Although Kaveh’s been in plenty of on-screen romances, he’s never been in a real fake relationship. (What an oxymoron.) Movies have taught him that there are many ways to fake date. Most of them involve hand-holding, denial, and lots of sexual tension.

It is decidedly very unsexy when Alhaitham writes on the top of the sheet of paper, Rules and Expectations. What is this, a kindergarten classroom? Kaveh is a big fan of clear communication, but surely there are better ways to establish boundaries.

“The first rule,” Alhaitham says, “is that both of us will remain monogamous for the duration of this fake relationship.”

Kaveh blinks. “Well, no shit. I’m not gonna risk any cheating scandals.”

“Neither will I. That includes anything casual, as well,” Alhaitham says calmly, as if he isn’t consigning Kaveh to three months of zero action. “I know you’ve had many other partners in the past, but for the next few months we will be completely loyal to each other.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it.” Why does Alhaitham keep bringing up Kaveh’s past relationships? It’s infuriating. “What’s next?”

“The second rule is that the furthest we will physically go to keep up this charade is kissing.”

“With or without tongue?” Kaveh asks, if only to see how Alhaitham will react. When Alhaitham fixes him with an unimpressed look, he smiles innocently. “I just want to make sure we’re on the same page.”

“Fine.” Alhaitham crosses out kissing and replaces it with making out. “Whatever falls under that definition for you. But nothing more than that.” His eyes scan Kaveh up and down before darting away. “I have standards.”

The audacity of this man. “Excuse me? So do I—”

“The third rule is that we will not call each other during hours when normal people such as myself are asleep. You may message me during that time window, but do not expect a reply until the morning.”

“Normal is subjective,” Kaveh says. “How egocentric of you to revolve your definition of it around your own habits.”

“Statistically, the average adult in Teyvat goes to sleep at 11:39 PM and wakes up at 7:09 AM,” Alhaitham says.

“...Do you always memorize fun facts just to prove you’re smarter than everyone else?”

Alhaitham shrugs. “I have nothing to prove. However, I am serious on this point. Respect my downtime, and I will respect yours.”

“How many of these rules are left?”

Alhaitham continues as if Kaveh never said anything. “The fourth rule is that we will ask each other for permission before posting anything about our relationship on social media. Ideally, we will involve Cyno and Tighnari in the decision-making process as well.”

Reasonable. With Alhaitham’s social media skills, Kaveh will have to do a lot of work to prevent another PR disaster from ruining everything.

“Finally,” finally, “the fifth rule is that we will make time to attend each other’s events and be seen as a couple at social functions. I have a premiere this month that I will need you to attend with me. I will do the same for your commitments as long as you notify me well ahead of time. My driver can pick you up so we arrive at events together.”

“I thought Tighnari and Cyno were going to force us into doing that anyways,” Kaveh mumbles. “But yes, I agree to all of those rules. Are you going to make me sign the paper or something?”

“That’s unnecessary,” Alhaitham says, as if everything else hasn’t been. “Do you have any rules to add? This should be a two-way conversation.”

An idea strikes Kaveh. “Oh, yes,” he says. “We forgot something. The most important rule in every fake relationship.”

Alhaitham looks at him.

Kaveh leans in closer, so their heads are almost touching. Alhaitham becomes very still. “The sixth rule,” Kaveh whispers dramatically, “is that we cannot fall in love with each other.”

A beat.

“Very funny,” Alhaitham says, his tone suggesting the opposite. He pulls back. “Anything else, or are we finished?”

“That’s all I had.” Kaveh can’t resist trying to get another reaction out of him. “No, wait, we should seal our agreement with a kiss. With tongue.”

“No.”

Among the rose bushes in Razan Garden, Alhaitham turns to Kaveh and announces, “I’m going to kiss you now.”

Kaveh, who has been dreading those words for quite some time, winces. “Right now?”

“Yes.”

“But this isn’t even the nicest part of the garden,” Kaveh complains. “Come on, let’s go to that pavilion. It’s much more photogenic.”

He tugs Alhaitham along, knowing he’s only delaying the inevitable. But Alhaitham follows behind him, and they come to a stop beneath the center of the pavilion, a brief reprieve from the midday sun.

Alhaitham looks at Kaveh expectantly but makes no move to come closer.

Kaveh clears his throat. “You can kiss me now.”

It seems like his words give Alhaitham the permission he was waiting for, because he steps up to Kaveh and cups his jaw. Though his fingertips are warm, the featherlight touch sends a shiver down Kaveh’s spine. Then, he leans in, and Kaveh closes his eyes and allows himself to be kissed.

There is nothing romantic about this moment. But Kaveh is an actor—he puts himself in others’ shoes and kisses people he doesn’t love for the sake of creating art. So, he lets his mind wander to the roses blooming in the garden, the sun shining above the cover of the pavilion, and the white clouds floating along at the leisurely breeze’s pace. He thinks about the kind of person who would be enjoying this sweet first kiss with their beloved, and he kisses back.

Their bodies fit together with surprising ease. With his eyes closed, it is easier to forget who they are and what they have to do, and to lose himself in what he wants.

All things considered, today is a beautiful day.

But despite how hard he tries to hold onto the illusion, he can’t quite shake off the knowledge that the accomplice to this charade is an infuriating man he detests. That the character Kaveh is playing is none other than himself.

When they separate, Kaveh takes a few gulps of air. His hands are still resting on Alhaitham’s arms. He quickly pulls them back.

Alhaitham gives him a polite nod. Ridiculous.

“You know,” Kaveh says, slightly breathless, “you’re actually a better kisser than I thought.”

“I’m glad to know you’ve thought about kissing me,” Alhaitham deadpans. Kaveh instantly wants to tackle him to the floor. “You’re actually very mediocre.”

“Wh— Excuse me?”

Chat with Kiss Kiss, Fall in Love (Tighnari, Cyno (out of office), Alhaitham, kaveh <3)

Cyno (out of office)
I got the photos back. Here they are:
[Images]
Sorry, wrong attachment
[Images]

kaveh <3
cyno you have awful taste in reaction memes
why are they all just photos of fruit with sad faces and terrible puns

Tighnari
Thank you for sending these, Cyno
The photos, not the memes

Cyno (out of office)
Of course. I have plenty
The photos and the memes
If you’d like

Tighnari
I’m good

Alhaitham
Received.

kaveh <3
thx cyno 🤠

Cyno (out of office)
@kaveh <3 How did you get that little yellow face with the cowboy hat?

kaveh <3
… the emoji???

The photos are awful.

Well, objectively, they are typical paparazzi photos. The two of them are certainly kissing. The pavilion is very photogenic. But to Kaveh, who knows how fabricated the setup is, who still remembers the wild thoughts running through his head during that kiss, they look too staged. Completely unnatural. Nobody will buy it.

Kaveh is nothing if not a perfectionist when it comes to his craft.

“This won’t do,” he says, pacing back and forth. “If all our future kisses look like this, they’ll see right through us. There’s no passion. No chemistry.”

“They’re fine,” Alhaitham says, watching him from a short distance away. “The kiss was adequate. Stop worrying.”

Any other day, Kaveh might take more offense to being described as adequate. But right now, staring down at the evidence of his fake relationship with Alhaitham, he only feels overwhelming despair. What if he’s truly an awful actor? He’s kissed plenty of co-stars on-screen before—why can’t he make it work with Alhaitham?

No, wait, that must be it. Kaveh was so focused on his own internal crises during the kiss that he didn’t even consider how Alhaitham was acting.

Kaveh is not the problem. Alhaitham is.

“You make it look too unnatural,” Kaveh complains. “I don’t care how much you hate me—we’re both stuck in this now, so we have to put in effort.”

Alhaitham stares. “Are you implying that I don’t put in effort?”

“I’m not implying it. I’m telling you to your face.” An idea floats around his brain. A horrendous, unappealing, terrible idea. The words are almost impossible to get out of his throat, but he grimaces and tries his best. “Maybe we… need to practice—”

“No,” Alhaitham says.

“Well, what do you propose we do, then?” Kaveh says, frustrated. Kissing practice is commonplace in their line of work, as much as he dreads the thought of enduring it with Alhaitham. “We need to make this look more natural, but you’re clearly unable to do that!”

“I’ve already told you that it does not look unnatural. If you refuse to listen to me, ask Cyno and Tighnari, and they’ll tell you the same. Because my kissing skills are fine.”

“Oh, yeah?” Kaveh says, the petty part of his brain triumphing over the rational part. “Prove it. Kiss me right now.”

Alhaitham visibly stiffens. “You are ridiculous.”

Kaveh takes a step toward him. “And you suck at putting your personal feelings aside.” Another step. They’re close enough to touch now. “It’s called acting, Alhaitham. Do it. You’ll have to when the cameras are around.”

He’s never seen Alhaitham look so… unsure of himself. He lifts his arms halfway and then lets them fall, almost as if he’s not quite in control of them. “No.”

“Let’s face it, Alhaitham. For an actor, you’re awful at this,” Kaveh taunts. “Or does my presence repulse you that much?”

It’s the wrong thing to say—or perhaps exactly the right thing. All traces of whatever awkwardness was affecting Alhaitham vanish in an instant. Competitiveness flares to life in his eyes, and he moves closer to Kaveh, crowding him against the wall with surprising strength.

Kaveh’s back hits the cold, solid surface. He swallows.

“You think I’m a bad actor?” Alhaitham asks, his voice dangerously low. His hand comes up to rest against the wall beside Kaveh’s head.

Suddenly, Kaveh is very dizzy. His mouth is dry. He can’t think straight. Alhaitham is so close that he doesn’t need to track the slight rise and fall of his shoulders to know the rhythm of his breathing, when each one of his exhales ghosts across Kaveh’s lips.

For a moment, he forgets himself. Who he is, where they are, how they’re supposed to feel. He only sees those teal eyes, burning with startling intensity, flicker down to his mouth.

All Alhaitham has to do is lean in and close the distance between them, and then…

And then…

And then Alhaitham abruptly pulls away.

Disoriented, Kaveh can only blink for a few moments. A feeling strangely similar to disappointment crawls up his skin.

“There,” Alhaitham says. He raises an eyebrow, as if he hasn’t just invaded Kaveh’s personal space. “Do you still doubt my acting skills?”

Kaveh’s cheeks feel aflame. He hopes they aren’t red. “Alright, alright.” The words come out too shaky, even to himself. “You’ve made your point.”

Alhaitham crosses his arms. “Good. Don’t question my competence ever again.”

He almost looks smug. Insufferable bastard. Kaveh feels the urge to do something violent.

One day, Kaveh notices something on one of Alhaitham’s shelves.

“What’s this?” He brushes off a layer of dust from the top of the stack. “DVDs? Who still has these?”

“Has no one ever taught you,” Alhaitham says, “not to look through other people’s belongings?”

Kaveh is already halfway through the titles. “A New Star Approaches, The Chalk Prince and the Dragon, All That Glitters… Why do you have such old movies?” Sure, they’re classics, but he would expect to find them at his grandparents’ place, not in Alhaitham’s living room.

“You consider two decades to be old?”

“Who doesn’t?”

Alhaitham sighs. “My grandmother bought those. I watched them with her in my childhood.”

“Aww,” Kaveh coos, putting the DVDs back. “Baby Alhaitham! I can’t imagine it.” He really can’t. Alhaitham seems like the kind of person who popped out of the womb fully-formed, probably with a dense book in hand. Or a DVD, apparently.

Unlike Kaveh. The unfortunate side of being a famous child actor is that his baby face is immortalized on the big screen for generations of film viewers to come.

“We should watch a movie,” Kaveh decides, picking out a title from the top of the pile. Beneath the Light of Jadeite. It’s one of his old favorites—the tragic tale of a rock dragon who was granted the gift of eyesight by an ancient god.

Surprisingly, Alhaitham agrees. They end up settling onto the couch, a safe distance apart. Kaveh doesn’t bother to ask if Alhaitham has any snacks in his kitchen. The man doesn’t know the meaning of fun, let alone microwave popcorn.

An hour later, Kaveh is severely regretting his choice of film.

“I don’t understand,” he says between sobs, “how you can be so heartless. You’re a horrible, horrible human being. How do you watch this and not feel anything?”

“I feel plenty of things,” Alhaitham says, completely emotionless. “I’ve simply watched this film many times before, so of course, I’m not going to have a strong reaction.”

Kaveh is crying too hard to say much, but he bites out, “Speak for yourself,” before bursting into another round of tears as the plot on the screen continues.

“Besides, the character of Azhdaha is underdeveloped,” Alhaitham says. “The writers spend too little time developing his backstory, leaving it difficult for the audience to form an emotional connection to him.”

Kaveh groans. Alhaitham has been spouting horrendous opinions for the past hour, often in response to Kaveh’s praises. “If you don’t like this movie, why do you even keep it in your living room?”

“I never said I didn’t like it.”

“The pacing in this scene upsets the balance. The costumes aren’t historically accurate. The writing sucks,” Kaveh says, mimicking his tone.

Alhaitham frowns. “I can appreciate a piece of media while being aware of its flaws, can’t I? Also, I never said the writing sucks.”

By now, Kaveh is too annoyed to be sad about the movie. “Well, yes, of course, but—”

“I only consider these details so carefully because of my interest in film,” Alhaitham says, “whereas you choose to enjoy the material uncritically.”

“I’m gonna stop you right there,” Kaveh says. “I think the writing intentionally takes the focus away from Azhdaha’s backstory. The main characters have lost most of their memories of the past. By keeping the audience in the same dark as the characters, the writers enforce the central theme of erosion. This choice highlights the tragedy of losing one’s connection to their closest friends, which makes the ending more emotionally impactful.”

Alhaitham’s eyes flash with interest.

“Really,” he says. And then, “Here’s why I disagree.”

Chat with Alhaitham

Alhaitham
[Image]
This is my outfit for the Akasha premiere.
Wear green so we match.

kaveh <3
the premiere in two fucking days?
do you think i’m a magician?

Alhaitham
I’m counting on you to look nice.

kaveh <3
i always do! 🙄

Because Kaveh takes delight in being petty, he does not wear green.

However, he does not think Alhaitham will have any other complaints about the choice of suit. The deep red stands in stark opposition to Alhaitham’s green, but the gold accents tie the two of them together. Opposite but equal, or two unintegrable sides of a whole.

Besides, the red color really brings out his eyes. His stylist, Layla, never fails to impress him.

Alhaitham looks up as he sits inside the car. His eyes widen for a split second.

“I had one request,” he says.

“And I look nice,” Kaveh responds. “Very nice, in fact. You should be glad my stylist was able to find something suitable on such short notice.”

“I’m sorry for inconveniencing your stylist,” Alhaitham says flatly. “They must go through so much already.”

“Excuse you,” Kaveh huffs. “I am a very considerate client, and Layla loves me.” He takes the time to observe Alhaitham’s suit in-person, the way it accentuates his thin waist and broad shoulders. It might be the nicest outfit he’s ever worn. He looks every part the star of the largest blockbuster of the year.

Screw Alhaitham for being so attractive. It’s so annoying.

“Are you excited?” Kaveh asks, hoping Alhaitham doesn’t notice that Kaveh was checking him out. As if his ego needs any more fuel.

“Are you a journalist now?” Alhaitham says.

“I was trying to start a conversation,” Kaveh snaps, “but fine. If you want to be completely silent until you’re bombarded by the press, I’ll shut up.”

Surprisingly, Alhaitham speaks. “I don’t care much for the movie premiere itself,” he says. “We arranged our own screening for the cast and crew a while ago, and I’m very happy with the end result. Tonight is about attracting publicity, so I suppose it’ll be more exhausting than anything.”

“Well, I’m looking forward to the dinner reception,” Kaveh says. With luck, they’ll be seated with some of Kaveh’s friends, and he can talk to them the whole night instead of being stuck with Alhaitham.

“Of course you are,” Alhaitham says.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kaveh demands.

“Whatever you want it to mean,” Alhaitham says. “Just stay on my arm the whole night. We can give the cameras a few quick kisses on the red carpet.”

“Fine. Whatever.”

When they reach the red carpet, they are bombarded with questions and camera flashes. After all, Alhaitham is the leading man, and Kaveh is his very recently announced boyfriend. Surely, they’ll be the talk of the town tonight.

Kaveh smiles and poses with Alhaitham’s hand around his waist, playing the role of the perfect partner.

“Alhaitham!” calls a journalist. “With The Kalpa Flame Rises done, how do you feel about wrapping up this phase of the Akasha Cinematic Universe?”

“This phase has challenged my capabilities as an actor and given me incredible connections,” Alhaitham says. “It’s been an honor to accompany this storyline to its end, and I’m excited to see what my co-stars will do next within the Akasha Cinematic Universe.”

“Does that mean you won’t be in future movies yourself?” asks another.

“Obviously, I can’t comment on that.”

Eventually, after a slew of questions, some even thrown Kaveh’s way (he answers them all with a brilliant smile and his signature charm), they make it inside to the movie screening.

Kaveh finds their spots in the theatre next to some familiar faces. A few seats past Alhaitham is Nahida, the CEO of their company and one of the co-directors of the film. Despite looking like a child, she’s been one of the most influential figures in the Tevyat film industry for years, having connections seemingly everywhere. He also spots Nilou, a musical theatre actress, as well as Dehya and Candace, who both starred in this film alongside Alhaitham.

“Alhaitham! Kaveh!” Nilou greets, with a friendly smile. “It’s so lovely to see you. You need to tell me all about how you’re doing during dinner!”

“You alright, Kaveh?” Dehya says jokingly. “Alhaitham isn’t driving you too crazy, is he?”

“Oh, every day,” Kaveh says, perhaps a bit too earnestly as he suddenly remembers that none of their friends know their relationship is fake.

Lately, Alhaitham’s company has become… slightly more bearable. But Alhaitham is still Alhaitham. They watched movies in Alhaitham’s living room together a few other times after finishing Beneath the Light of Jadeite, and it always ended in a heated debate that left Kaveh fuming.

“I am also going insane because of Kaveh. Thank you for asking,” Alhaitham deadpans.

They chat for a while, but fall silent as the film starts playing. Not for long, however—the room quickly fills with cheers and exclamations.

The Kalpa Flame Rises spans almost three hours of impressive CGI, thrilling fight sequences, and a surprisingly intricate plot that leaves Kaveh heartbroken at the end. Throughout it all is Alhaitham, climbing buildings and battling monsters and even showing a surprising amount of emotion during the ending scene. Kaveh cheers at the appropriate times when his fake boyfriend appears onscreen, even as the real man next to him remains completely unmoved.

If anyone asks, Kaveh will absolutely deny that he was blinking away tears by the end credits. The plot twist was good, okay?

Dinner is also a fun affair. Kaveh has a great time catching up with Nilou about their latest projects and accidentally promises to attend a dance lesson with her soon. He also vows to revive his karaoke bar tradition with Dehya and Candace, once they’re all less busy. Dehya has recently been training intensely in the hopes of doing more of her own stunts someday. Candace just became an ambassador to a large nonprofit and has been leading fundraising efforts for youth community centers.

The food is delightful, the company even more so, and Kaveh could not be in better spirits. Except every time he glances over at Alhaitham, Alhaitham seems to be bored, only occasionally chiming into the conversations happening all around him.

Eventually, the plates are taken away and the seats at the table are emptied. Kaveh would happily stay and talk to the other people for longer, but Alhaitham grabs his arm gently. “Kaveh,” he says. “It’s time to leave.”

So, after bidding reluctant farewells to the rest of the table, Kaveh follows Alhaitham out of the fancy venue. Outside, the fenced red carpet and photo backdrops from earlier have been taken down, but security still dots the perimeter, fending off some paparazzi trying to take photos.

Soon, their car pulls up to meet them. Alhaitham walks around to the other side. Kaveh gives the remaining photographers outside one last wave, then climbs in, and the door shuts behind him.

“There are a couple of cameras in our direction,” Alhaitham says, straightening out his blazer. “Should we kiss?”

He sounds so bored, as if they are talking about golf, or cryptocurrency, or some other topic of minimal interest. It is the same way he has been all night. Clinical. Detached. Something about it makes the blood rush to Kaveh’s head.

He can’t explain why he’s so irritated; he just knows he wants Alhaitham’s aloof composure to crack.

The car pulls out of the parking lot. “Boring. Let’s give them more than that.”

The slightest hint of confusion flits across Alhaitham’s face, but before he can ask, Kaveh climbs onto his lap and kisses him like it’s the only thing keeping him alive.

A second passes. Alhaitham is completely still.

All of a sudden, he is kissing Kaveh back. The smell of his cologne floods Kaveh’s senses. Alhaitham’s hand threads through his hair, definitely messing up the clips Layla pinned in earlier that day, while his other hand tugs Kaveh’s tie loose. Kaveh makes a noise of approval, pressing impossibly closer to Alhaitham and running his hands down his back.

Eventually, Alhaitham’s hands come to rest against Kaveh’s shoulders, and he pushes him back gently. “Enough,” he says, breathless.

His hair is falling out of its immaculate styling and into his flushed face, covering both of his eyes. The top button of his high collar is undone and askew after Kaveh yanked it particularly aggressively, while the rest of his shirt is wrinkled. Kaveh finds his attention drawn to Alhaitham’s slightly parted lips, which are red and puffy.

Witnessing this disheveled version of him, Kaveh feels a bit like a legendary adventurer discovering a particularly luxurious treasure chest. He can’t help but grin.

Alhaitham clears his throat. “That was… excessive.”

“I have a reputation to uphold,” Kaveh says.

Alhaitham glowers. It is the most emotion he has shown all night. “A reputation for making out in the backseat of cars?”

“...Yes.” The press has certainly caught him doing that before. “Come on, we can’t give them any reason to doubt us.”

Perhaps it was excessive. And perhaps the cameras were not his only motivation for doing so. But Kaveh feels nothing but triumph as Alhaitham straightens out his shirt and brushes his hair out of his face, avoiding Kaveh’s gaze. No regrets. He would gladly do it again, just to shatter Alhaitham’s facade.

See, Alhaitham? he thinks, eyes trained on the pink marks blooming on Alhaitham’s neck. I can take control of the situation, too.

Dori @SangemahBayPhotos

EXCLUSIVE: Alhaitham and Kaveh in car after Akasha premiere. Previews below.

Members get access to top secret photos ➡️ Click LINK IN BIO to sign up now!

[Images]

@hive_siraj: dori you’re doing the lord’s work fr

@Newtons3Law: How are you always everywhere? Is it physically possible to be in literally every place at once?

@kavehsbackwindow: why can’t that be me 😭

@MarryMeNilou: ALL OF YOU NEED TO STOP SUPPORTING DORI! she invades people’s privacy to capture photos and then sells them for profit without caring about who it harms! celebrities are humans who deserve to be treated as such. #CancelSangemahBay

    @haikavehkith: shut up i want to see my blorbos kissing

        @MarryMeNilou: YOUR BLORBOS ARE REAL PEOPLE

Chat with Alhaitham

kaveh <3
heyyy did i leave my hairclips in the back of your car
they might’ve uhhhh fallen off at some point idk
and i think my stylist wants them back

Alhaitham
I’ll ask my driver to take a look.

kaveh <3
thank you angel ( ˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡)

Alhaitham
I’m revising our rules to include “No pet names.”

kaveh <3
NO!!
where’s the fun in that >:(
you’re so boring babycakes

Alhaitham
Never call me that again.

kaveh <3
aww my honey butter biscuit
you know you love me
! Not Delivered
WTF did you block me
! Not Delivered
bitch
! Not Delivered
??? HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO COMMUNICATE NOW
! Not Delivered

“Exciting news!” Tighnari announces. “We’ve secured the two of you a spot on the upcoming season of Lovebirds of Paradise.”

Cyno claps. Kaveh grimaces.

Alhaitham tilts his head. “What is that?” he asks.

Kaveh resists the urge to groan out loud. How does Alhaitham fail to keep up with the entertainment industry when he’s literally one of its biggest names?

“A reality TV show where established famous couples compete in a series of challenges at a beautiful island resort,” Cyno explains. “Think of it like a paid vacation, minus all the filming. It’s the perfect chance to show the world how well you work as a couple and gain more fans.”

“Except we don’t work well as a couple,” Kaveh points out. “So it’ll just be painful.”

“Don’t downplay your achievements, Kaveh,” Tighnari says. “You two have done a great job of acting so far. Just keep it up.”

“Although, that is an important consideration,” Cyno says. “The other couples who will be on the show are not in fake relationships. At least, to my knowledge. Therefore, you’ll have to be extra convincing.”

“Wonderful,” Kaveh mutters. Still, he does look forward to the prospect of an island vacation. Maybe on their off days, he can retreat to the furthest corner of the resort from Alhaitham and enjoy some alone time. Or befriend the other couples and hang out with them instead. Or just take advantage of the endless refills they always seem to have on these shows, so at least he won’t have to go through it fully sober.

Bad news: the endless refills are not endless.

One of the first rules Kaveh learns after they arrive at the resort is that all of the guests are limited to two drinks every hour. “Bullshit,” he says, a little too loudly. “What is this—college orientation? I’m a responsible adult who can determine my own limits, thank you very much.”

“I’ll drink to that,” says a tall, muscular woman with an eyepatch who is also hanging around the bar.

“Kaveh,” says an impatient voice, and Kaveh turns around to see Alhaitham waiting. “Come on. Our room is this way.”

Kaveh rolls his eyes but follows after him. He pauses.“Wait. Did you say our room? Like, singular, not plural?”

“Yes.” Alhaitham pushes open the door. “We’re dating. Of course, we would share a room.”

The room is beautiful. The large windows lead to a balcony that overlooks the sea, and the armchair in the corner is a stunning shade of deep blue to match the pillows and coverings on the bed.

The only bed in the room.

Sure, it’s a massive bed with more than enough space for two people to comfortably keep their distance, but… that doesn’t change the fact that there’s only one.

Kaveh wants to cry. These two weeks are going to feel far longer than he hoped.

At dinner, they meet the other couples.

To Kaveh’s right is Beidou, the eyepatch lady from earlier who shares his affinity for alcohol, and her girlfriend Ningguang. Apparently, Beidou is a professional athlete, though Kaveh can’t remember what sport anymore, while Ningguang is a famous director from Liyue. She’s more than a little intimidating, even with the small smiles that she seems to reserve for Beidou.

There are five more couples from different corners of Teyvat, all composed of incredibly attractive high-profile celebrities. Kaveh is sure he’ll get the chance to know them during the next two weeks, and he hopes they’re all more pleasant than Alhaitham—which is quite a low bar.

Almost everyone on this show is very tall. He supposes that’s how the Teyvat entertainment industry works. Still, it does make him a bit worried about the upcoming challenges, especially if they’re physical in nature. Hopefully, all the training Alhaitham does for his action movies will carry them through.

Knowing that the cameras aren’t rolling yet, he smiles at Beidou and picks up his glass of champagne. “So how long have you been together?”

“Six years,” Beidou says cheerfully. Kaveh nearly chokes.

“Wow,” he says faintly after he recovers, passing it off as a cough. “That’s a long time! Congrats.”

“Thanks. Feels like forever,” Beidou agrees, smiling at Ningguang. “Part of it was long distance, too, but we made it work. What about you two?”

“We—” Kaveh blanks. Crap. When is their fake anniversary, again? “Um—”

“Four months and a half,” Alhaitham says from his left. “Our five-month anniversary will be right after filming ends, actually.”

“Cute,” Beidou coos. “I’m sure you’re excited to celebrate everything. I loved your Good Morning Teyvat interview, by the way.”

From behind Beidou, Ningguang’s eyes narrow in on Kaveh. “You don’t know your own anniversary?”

“...I’m bad with dates?”

“Not everyone has your impeccable memory,” Beidou teases Ningguang. Kaveh decides he likes her.

After several rounds of on-camera icebreaker introductions and one-on-one interviews, they finally return to their room. Blissfully, there are no cameras here. Kaveh flops onto the bed, basking in the softness of the fabric.

“Must you lie on the bed in your dirty clothes?” Alhaitham asks.

Kaveh bats his eyelashes. “If you want me to get naked, you can just say so.”

Alhaitham looks down at him, unamused. Kaveh slides off the bed. “Sorry.”

“I’m using the shower first,” Alhaitham announces, before disappearing into the bathroom.

They take turns getting ready, even though there are still hours until Kaveh’s usual bedtime. Still, they have to wake up pretty early tomorrow, and he wants to get as good of a night’s rest as he can with Alhaitham sharing his bed. By the time he finishes his ten-step skincare routine and leaves the bathroom, Alhaitham has already pulled the blankets over himself and is using the night light above his head to read a book.

Kaveh climbs into bed, staying at the very edge. He would rather fall off in his sleep than make physical contact with Alhaitham beneath the blankets. Thankfully, the staff didn’t take his phone away, unlike some of the other reality TV shows out there. What a pain that would be.

Chat with LIFE’S A BEACH 🏖🏖️ (Tighnari, Cyno (out of office), Alhaitham, kaveh <3)

Tighnari
How’s paradise?

Cyno (out of office)
Are you two driving each other coco-nuts yet?
🥥🥥🥥

Tighnari
…

Cyno (out of office)
Because “nuts” means crazy
But it’s also the ending of the word “coconuts,” which are commonly found on islands

Tighnari
@Cyno (out of office) I can and will kick you out of the chat.
This is not an empty threat.

kaveh <3
were you ever going to mention that we have to share a room AND a bed?

Tighnari
I thought that was fairly obvious
It’s a show for couples?

kaveh <3
ugh
whatever
oh we met the others earlier! i really like beidou :) she’s cool
everything else is going great! couldn’t be better

Cyno (out of office)
Amazing. Keep palm and carry on 🌴

Tighnari has removed Cyno (out of office) from the group chat

“Everything is not going great. You forgot our anniversary.”

“Huh?” Kaveh looks up from his phone screen to see that Alhaitham has put his book aside. “Oh, at dinner. Wait, are you reading my messages?”

“...Your messages to a group chat that I am also in?”

“It’s still not right for you to look at my phone screen. Respect my privacy!”

Alhaitham is quiet for a moment. And then, “If you can’t remember something as simple as our fake anniversary, how will we convince the others that we’re a real couple when our relationship is put to the test?”

Kaveh tries to hide his wince. Because his first instinct is to bite back and defend himself, but… those are the exact thoughts that have been running on repeat in his mind ever since the dinner conversation. The other people on this show are genuinely, truly in love. Are Kaveh and Alhaitham about to embarrass themselves and let their charade fall apart on national television?

Maybe this was an awful idea.

Then again, this fake relationship was built from nothing but awful ideas.

“You can’t make mistakes, Kaveh,” Alhaitham says. “Not when the cameras are around.”

Kaveh swallows. “Have some faith in me,” he says half-heartedly. “It won’t happen again.”

Alhaitham turns away and hits the light switch, enveloping the room in darkness. “Good night.”

Kaveh doesn’t respond. Eventually, Alhaitham’s breathing evens out, becoming as steady as the sounds of wave after wave crashing against the shore.

It takes a long time for Kaveh to fall asleep.

When Kaveh wakes up, the bed is empty. He looks over to see Alhaitham fully dressed, reading a book on the armchair with his headphones on. “Good morning,” Alhaitham says without looking up.

Kaveh yawns in response. Of course, Alhaitham wouldn’t want to spend an extra second in the same bed as him. Typical.

The right side of his body is weirdly sore after curling up in a strange sleeping position to take up as little space as possible. He winces, but gets out of bed, bracing himself to tackle whatever challenge Lovebirds of Paradise decides to throw at them.

They meet the rest of the cast and crew on the beach, both dressed in appropriate beachwear. Kaveh has to put in extra effort not to stare at Alhaitham’s upper body, because he should not be allowed to look as muscular in real life as he does on the big screen. Nothing about this is fair.

Once they’ve found a nice beach umbrella to sit under, Kaveh immediately starts applying sunscreen, because a full day of filming means a lot of UV exposure. Unfortunately, his right shoulder starts feeling weird again.

“Hey,” he says to Alhaitham.

“What?”

“Can you help me apply sunscreen, snookums?” Kaveh asks, throwing in the pet name for good measure. Because he can. “I can’t reach my back.”

Alhaitham looks around them at the other couples on the beach, sighs, and places his book down. Kaveh passes over the sunscreen.

The combination of Alhaitham’s warm hands and the cold sunscreen sends strange sensations down his back, almost making him shiver. He tries not to think too hard about it and instead looks at the other couples getting ready on the beach.

Near their umbrella, two tall men are lounging around on a beach towel. Kaveh recalls that they’re from Inazuma. One of them, Thoma, is a celebrity chef, while the other, Ayato, is a rich model from a wealthy family.

“Done,” Alhaitham says, returning the sunscreen to him. Kaveh blinks, snapping out of it.

“Thanks.” He gestures to Alhaitham’s torso. “Do you want me to help you out?”

“No need.”

Kaveh frowns, reaching for the sunscreen. “Hey, sun protection is very important. Do you know what UV radiation does to your skin? You could get—”

“I already put on sunscreen in our room,” Alhaitham says.

“Ah.” Kaveh scans his eyes over Alhaitham’s upper body again, definitely not taking the opportunity to check him out. When he looks up, Alhaitham has what could almost be considered a smirk on his face.

“My eyes are up here,” he says.

Kaveh feels his cheeks heating up. “Don’t flatter yourself, you—”

“Attention, lovebirds!”

The host of Lovebirds of Paradise is a surprisingly loud short blond man by the name of Aether, who looked vaguely familiar to Kaveh when he saw him at dinner yesterday. He looks very excited to be here.

He claps his hands together before continuing. “Welcome to your second day in paradise. The events will officially commence today. Throughout your stay, you’ll be participating in all sorts of challenges designed to test your bond and help you discover new things about each other.”

Honestly, Kaveh isn’t sure why Lovebirds of Paradise has such a dedicated viewer base. He always assumed it was just because people liked watching attractive celebrities kiss. None of the challenges seem particularly exciting.

“Today will be all about…” A dramatic pause. “Physical connection!”

Well, shit.

Alhaitham just applied his sunscreen for him. It was very physical. Does that count? Can Kaveh go home now?

“So first, we’ll start with some classic couples’ yoga,” Aether continues, and Kaveh feels his heart drop lower and lower towards his stomach. “Then, in the afternoon, you’ll participate in a blindfolded obstacle course. There will be lots of physical contact! There will be so much tension! And there will be no injuries, please!”

That’s definitely not concerning at all. Maybe he should’ve read through the personal injury waiver form more carefully. After all, Alhaitham might drop him into the sand.

As Kaveh predicted, their morning of couples’ yoga does not go smoothly. Kaveh has never been great at yoga, with his below-average flexibility and inability to stay still. As he tries to balance atop Alhaitham’s legs, they make intense eye contact. Alhaitham looks remarkably calm for someone clearly straining to keep Kaveh in the air.

Kaveh does his best not to topple off and crush Alhaitham’s face. Despite his efforts, they don’t last very long, and Alhaitham’s resulting glare is even more heated than the sunlight on the beach.

Later, Kaveh is attempting to maintain some kind of strange plank position on top of Alhaitham’s back, their faces at opposite ends from each other. It’s better like this, he thinks, since he doesn’t have to look into Alhaitham’s eyes. Then, of course, his hand slips and they come crashing down in a heap of flailing limbs.

“Watch it!” Alhaitham hisses.

Kaveh realizes the body part his foot just collided with is none other than Alhaitham’s face. “Sorry,” he says, not too apologetic. Alhaitham gets his revenge later by “accidentally” tossing Kaveh to the side in their final pose.

Kaveh and Alhaitham don’t win any points, but Kaveh isn’t too peeved about that. Yoga is not everyone’s strength. Even Beidou and Ningguang seemed to have a rough time, though they still held most of the poses for longer than them.

Thoma and Ayato receive the highest scores from the judging panel—which is really just Aether, a white-haired lady who looks way too scary to be a yoga instructor, and a fancy scoreboard. Only a single point behind them are Eula and Amber, a professional ballroom dancer and a rising pop singer from Mondstadt.

Kaveh spends their lunch break dragging Alhaitham around with him to socialize with the other couples. He finds out that Thoma and Ayato actually met when Thoma worked briefly at a boba shop owned by Ayato’s family, while Eula and Amber were partnered on a recent season of Dancing With the Stars and realized their chemistry extended offstage.

They all have cute stories of how they met and got together. And what do he and Alhaitham have? A PR crisis and a fake Good Morning Teyvat appearance.

Kaveh pushes these thoughts aside to focus on what really matters: arguing with Alhaitham about who gets to be blindfolded first.

“You should go first,” he says. “I’m older than you.”

“That’s a nonsensical reason,” Alhaitham says. “You should go first because I’m more spatially aware than you.”

“What does that have to do with order? Respect your seniors’ wishes.”

They eventually settle the matter with a single round of rock paper scissors. To Kaveh’s surprise, he wins.

He takes great delight in wrapping the blindfold around Alhaitham’s eyes, his hands brushing the sides of his face softly. As he ties the ends into a neat, unmoveable knot, a thought occurs to him. “How many of the other couples here do you think have done this to each other before?”

“...Kaveh.”

“What? Aren’t you curious too?”

“No,” Alhaitham says. “I’m really not.”

“You’re no fun. Come,” Kaveh says, holding out his hand, before remembering Alhaitham can’t see it. He reaches out and grabs Alhaitham’s hand. Alhaitham clutches onto him tightly. “I’m taking you to the starting line now.”

He leads Alhaitham over the sand, careful not to let either of them fall. The obstacle course is composed of an assortment of mats, cones, and inflatable structures shaped like cute animals. He pictures Alhaitham smacking into an inflatable flamingo and laughs out loud.

“I have a bad feeling about this,” Alhaitham says.

“You have so little faith in your boyfriend!” Kaveh says. “I would never let harm come to you.”

Even with the blindfold on, he can tell Alhaitham is glaring at him.

Aether goes over the rules quickly—contestants gain points for passing checkpoints quickly and lose points if they make physical contact with the obstacles. The person without the blindfold is allowed to give them verbal commands from a distance away. Basically, Kaveh’s task is to scream louder than the other five people so Alhaitham can hear directions.

“Ready, set, go!” Aether calls, and the beach dissolves into chaos.

For the most part, Kaveh keeps his word. He yells commands such as, “Go straight! Duck! There’s a cone on the floor, step over it!” Alhaitham progresses through the obstacle course steadily, keeping pace with slightly other frontrunners like Beidou and Eula.

Until the very end, when Alhaitham is nearly through, and Kaveh simply cannot resist anymore. “TURN RIGHT!” he shouts.

Alhaitham obediently makes a 90-degree turn and stumbles into a pile of large inflatable ducks almost half his height. Kaveh falls to the ground with laughter. It’s worth it, even after they swap roles and Alhaitham proceeds to make Kaveh trip over every obstacle on the beach.

They do not win the challenge. However, Alhaitham’s disgruntled expression is sweeter than any victory.

Their time in paradise continues. The challenges range from modeling to cooking to singing duets, of all things (Kaveh and Alhaitham did spectacularly terribly during that one). On one exciting occasion, they even have to take care of a cute cat for the day. Kaveh loves the cat, who he affectionately names Mehrak. Alhaitham just addresses it as “Cat.” Despite his best efforts, they lose the cat challenge to Jean and Lisa, a pair of musical theatre actresses from Mondstadt. He thinks they’ll at least win the general knowledge challenge, what with Alhaitham’s never-ending reading, yet are shown up by Childe and Zhongli, a Snezhnayan actor and traditional Liyuen musician. Still, second place isn’t bad. Ultimately, Kaveh soothes his own ego by leading the two of them to victory in the home design challenge.

But the days are long, especially after running around the resort for hours thanks to a ridiculous scavenger hunt planned by Aether. They feel even longer due to the constant cameras pressuring them to maintain their fake relationship.

This evening, post-scavenger hunt, Kaveh wants nothing more than to collapse into bed. As usual, he is aware of the heat of Alhaitham’s body only inches away from his as he drifts into sleep.

At some point, he wakes up. The room is warmer, but still dark, so it must be sometime in the middle of the night. He fumbles around for a second and pauses when his hand connects with a surface.

To be specific: the surface is Alhaitham, pressed up against his side. His chin tucked into Kaveh’s shoulder. His arm interlocked with Kaveh’s arm. Cuddling him.

Kaveh’s brain, sleep-addled and at ease, thinks distantly that this is a very realistic dream, truly capturing all five senses of real life. He presses closer to the source of body heat, lets out a contented sigh, and falls back asleep.

It must have been a dream, at least, because the next time he opens his eyes, Alhaitham is back in his usual spot on the couch, reading through yet another book. “Good morning,” he greets, as always.

“Why do you always get up so early?” Kaveh asks between yawns, not expecting a proper answer. Maybe Alhaitham is just blessed with a healthy circadian rhythm.

“So I can have some peace and quiet,” Alhaitham says, placing his headphones back over his ears.

“Wh— Hey! I may talk a lot, but I am very considerate of noise! I’ve been trying so hard to be quiet so you don’t nag me! Ugh! Are you even listening? I know you can hear me!”

The expression on Alhaitham’s face is dangerously close to a smile.

At long last, their two weeks in paradise are almost over. Only one challenge remains: the True Test of Tremendous Trivia. At least, that’s what Aether calls it as he explains the rules and unveils the randomly generated order in which the contestants will answer questions.

Kaveh and Alhaitham are slotted last. Joy.

“You’ll sit here on opposite sides of the screen,” Aether says, “And I’ll read out a question for one person about the other. When you know the answer, you slam the buzzer and say your answer immediately afterward. The screen will tell you whether you were correct, and if not, will show evidence of the correct answer. You gain points for answering accurately, and bonus points for answering quickly.”

Kaveh first watches the five other couples answer the wide range of trivia questions. Everyone generally does well, with some blunders in the middle. When they answer correctly, the screen displays a cute smiling orange blob that Aether calls a “pyro slime.” Incorrect answers reveal the same blob, but with an expression of cartoonish rage. Kaveh nearly jumps when he hears a loud sound effect and the slime explodes to make way for a video clip that reveals the real answer.

The most impressive competitors are Miko and Ei, an acclaimed screenwriter and famous ballad singer from Inazuma. Apparently, their years of being together have resulted in nearly encyclopedic knowledge of each other, because they answer every single question correctly.

Kaveh’s heart sinks. He and Alhaitham have only spent the past few months getting to know each other, and his fake boyfriend might as well still be an enigma. How badly are they going to do?

As Miko and Ei walk off the set to the sound of polite, awed applause, Kaveh and Alhaitham take their seats.

“Let’s begin,” Aether says cheerfully. “The first question is for Alhaitham. What instrument does Kaveh play?”

Shit. They’ve never talked about this, and Kaveh has certainly never played it for Alhaitham. There’s no way he—

Alhaitham presses the buzzer. “The dutar.”

The happy slime appears on the screen. Kaveh blinks, but can barely process it before Aether is descending upon him.

“Kaveh: What is Alhaitham’s ideal date night?”

“Uhh…” Kaveh panics and presses the buzzer by accident. What does Alhaitham even like? Not having to deal with other people, and being comfortable in his own home? “Staying in and watching movies?” he blurts out.

The happy slime does a little dance onscreen. Kaveh breathes a sigh of relief.

“What is Kaveh’s go-to coffee order?”

Alhaitham answers instantly again. “Plain black coffee, medium-sized cup.”

“How does Alhaitham like his eggs?”

How on earth is Kaveh supposed to know this? Does Alhaitham, boring as he is, even have food preferences? “I don’t think he cares,” he says. “Whatever takes the least amount of effort.” Probably hard-boiled, or something boring like that.

Surprisingly, his answer ends up being correct. “How does Kaveh like to spend his free time between shoots?” Aether asks.

“Sightseeing with friends,” Alhaitham says. Kaveh is feeling pretty uncomfortably seen right now.

“What does Alhaitham bring everywhere he goes?”

His massive ego, Kaveh thinks. Out loud, he says, “Noise-cancelling headphones.”

And so it continues, question after question: Alhaitham and Kaveh firing off rapid answers that somehow turn out to be correct. The fast pace of the challenge leaves Kaveh no time to consider how he knows all of this information, too focused on pressing the buzzer as quickly as possible as the competitive adrenaline thrums through his veins.

Eventually, they’re down to their last question. It’s for Kaveh.

“This final answer will determine everything,” Aether says. “Kaveh: What is Alhaitham’s favorite movie of all time?”

Favorite movie. Kaveh remembers their first conversation in Alhaitham’s living room, the exchange of quick facts. He slams the buzzer confidently. “King Deshret and the Three Magi,” he says.

Aether whistles. “As expected, a very speedy answer! But were you toooooo fast?”

The pyro slime explodes. Rest in pieces.

“What?” Kaveh says. There’s no way. Alhaitham told him that fact himself.

“Good attempt, Kaveh,” Aether says. “But our internet sleuthing skills are stronger. Only loyal fans of Alhaitham from day one will know this, but Alhaitham actually revealed his favorite movie in an exclusive interview with Teyvat Entertainment Network many years ago.”

A much younger-looking Alhaitham, probably in the earliest days of his acting career, appears on the screen.

“What is your favorite movie?” a voice asks.

“Palace,” says the Alhaitham in the video. “It’s my favorite of all time.”

Kaveh freezes.

It can’t be.

Kaveh was barely 17 when Palace was filmed. Up until that point, he’d held many roles, sometimes even playing a protagonist, but never in such an emotionally complex storyline. Palace was an opportunity for him to grow as an actor, to take his own steps toward adulthood, and to portray the depth of the coming-of-age experience while exploring questions about his own sexuality.

And it was a hit. The tender queer romance and the bittersweet ending resonated with audiences everywhere, catapulting Kaveh and the rest of the cast into global recognition. Palace changed his life irrevocably, laying the foundations for a successful future in his dream career.

At the age of 18, Kaveh was nominated for his first Akademiya Award—and he won.

Even now, after many other iconic films, it’s still one of the roles Kaveh is most known for. A young architect with a bleeding heart, pining for a love that he can never have.

So he knows that Palace is just as important to many viewers as it is to him. But Alhaitham? Alhaitham, who always has something negative to say about the movies they watch together, who treated Kaveh with complete disdain the first time they ever spoke, who has hated Kaveh from the start?

“Despite that wrong answer,” Aether says, snapping Kaveh’s thoughts back to the present, “the two of you still have a high number of points. Congratulations, Kaveh and Alhaitham! You have won second place in the final challenge of Lovebirds in Paradise. It seems you truly know each other very well.”

The words can’t be further from the truth.

Kaveh looks over at Alhaitham and feels like he doesn’t know him at all.

When Kaveh returns home for the first time in two weeks, he never wants to leave his bed again.

Most people would love to be on a show like Lovebirds of Paradise, which looks like a paid vacation, but Kaveh, unlike most people, is faking a relationship for the sake of his image. Whenever the cameras were around, he was stressed. Or maybe that was just the natural result of being in close proximity to Alhaitham.

He wants a break from it all—from the cameras, from the warm weather, from his increasingly confusing fake boyfriend.

Unfortunately, he gets a text message notification right as he’s about to set an alarm for a five-hour nap.

Chat with Alhaitham

Alhaitham
It’s our five-month anniversary tomorrow.
We should plan something.

kaveh <3
ugh i don’t really feel like doing anything

Alhaitham
Hmm.
Just come over. We’ll take some pictures for social media and then watch movies.

kaveh <3
is this your way of asking me to netflix and chill

Alhaitham
In the most literal sense, yes.

kaveh <3
i can't believe you know what that means
ok i’ll be there

Alhaitham bought him padisarahs.

Kaveh blinks once, then twice, before accepting that the beautifully-wrapped bouquet in front of him is indeed filled with purple flowers and not some kind of prank material about to explode.

“Wow,” he says.

“That’s all you have to say?”

“They’re nice,” Kaveh manages, the words barely making it out of his throat.

Alhaitham stares. “I thought they were your favorite flower.”

“They are, I just—” Kaveh cuts himself off. “Never mind. Come on, take some photos of me.”

He tosses his phone to Alhaitham and picks up the bouquet, weighing it in his hands. Then, he strikes a cute pose. The sound of the phone camera goes off a few times, and then Kaveh scoots over to Alhaitham on the couch to peer at the results.

“Um,” Kaveh says. “Did nobody ever teach you how to take aesthetic photos? Why is my forehead cut off? Why is the couch skewed? Have you ever heard of the rule of thirds?”

“What is that?”

Kaveh groans and pushes the bouquet into Alhaitham’s arms. “Okay. Sit there and look pretty. I’ll show you what a decent photo looks like.”

Many minutes and a very full camera roll later, Kaveh has finally educated Alhaitham on the details of being an Instagram boyfriend. He types out a quick caption, something cute and cheesy like five months of full bloom with you, and posts his favorites of the photos. “There,” he says, mentally patting himself on the back.

He looks down at the bouquet still clutched in his other hand. It’s truly a gorgeous arrangement, wrapped in soft purple and green tissue paper.

“Thank you,” he finds himself saying. The words feel strange on his tongue. He almost regrets it, and he looks to Alhaitham, almost expecting to be made fun of.

But Alhaitham simply shrugs. “It was a necessary purchase to beautify our anniversary post. Obviously, a photo of just you would not be enough.”

“Screw you,” Kaveh says, albeit with less bite than usual. He stares at the flowers. “Too bad I don’t have a nice vase at home to put these in.”

“If you want, you can leave them here.”

Kaveh looks up. “Really?”

“Yes,” Alhaitham says. “I happen to have a vase that is the right size.” He points to the coffee table, where a large white vase with green accents sits. “Given your inability to take care of yourself, I doubt you’re capable of keeping plants alive.”

All of Kaveh’s goodwill evaporates. “Excuse me! I’ll have you know my childhood home had a family of thriving philodendrons, cared for by yours truly.” He overwatered them a few times, but Alhaitham doesn’t need to know that.

Together, they snip off the ends of the padisarahs and place them into the water-filled vase. Against the mostly grayscale backdrop of Alhaitham’s living room, the purple flowers are a vibrant pop of color and a much-needed sign of vitality.

Kaveh flops back onto the couch as Alhaitham turns the TV on and starts playing a film. As usual, they’re not limited to a particular genre or time period. Alhaitham does seem to enjoy seeing Kaveh’s reactions to films that are considered critically bad, but otherwise, they’ll watch anything and everything. Kaveh always has thoughts; Alhaitham always has counterarguments.

Halfway through a musical movie, The Exquisite Night Chimes, Alhaitham says, “That song was wholly unnecessary.”

“This is a musical.”

“That doesn’t mean every minute needs to be in song form. In this case, it would’ve been more efficient to tell the story normally.”

“I think it was fun,” Kaveh says. “I liked the rap.”

“I didn’t.”

Kaveh sighs. “Of course you didn’t.” Despite not being a professional critic, Alhaitham has very particular tastes. His preferences are an enigma—something Kaveh can never quite pin down.

Except he remembers with a jolt that he does know Alhaitham’s preferences. Can pin them down perfectly, in fact.

Alhaitham’s favorite movie is Palace.

They still haven’t talked about it. Kaveh spent several hours after the final challenge on Lovebirds of Paradise trying not to think about the fact that somehow, Alhaitham’s favorite movie is not an action blockbuster he acted in himself, but a queer coming-of-age drama starring none other than Kaveh.

At first, Kaveh thought it had been some kind of impossible joke. But out of curiosity, he had dug up the interview from the internet archives and witnessed the truth for himself. Alhaitham had told the camera with a perfectly calm expression that his favorite movie of all time was Palace. That the movie had first sparked his interest in becoming an actor, was still an emotional experience each time he rewatched it. That he aimed to become the kind of actor who could tell stories like that someday.

“Back at paradise,” Kaveh begins uncomfortably, “during the final challenge…”

Alhaitham turns to look at him.

“Your favorite movie isn’t King Deshret and the Three Magi,” Kaveh says.

“It’s not,” Alhaitham agrees.

“It’s Palace.”

Alhaitham is quieter now. “Yes.”

“You never told me.”

“As if you need the ego boost.”

“Excuse me? Between the two of us, you’re clearly the egotistic one.”

“True.” Alhaitham nods, mockingly thoughtful. “You suffer from crippling insecurity and a need for validation.”

“Don’t try to change the subject,” Kaveh says, even if Alhaitham is doing a very effective job of distracting him. “Why is it your favorite movie?”

The unspoken question he wants to ask: what does Palace mean to Alhaitham?

“It’s a good movie,” Alhaitham says. “Surely you don’t need me to tell you that.”

Kaveh isn’t satisfied. “In that interview, you said it was the reason you wanted to become an actor. Why?”

Alhaitham’s eyes widen in surprise—a rare sight. “You… you watched the interview?”

“I found it online,” Kaveh says impatiently. “Well? What’s your answer?”

A long pause. The characters in the musical still playing on the TV are singing again.

Alhaitham finally says, “The year before my grandmother passed away, she took me to see it at our local theater. I had watched other movies with her, but Palace… It was the first film that ever made me feel something new, and I finally understood why people considered acting to be an art.”

Before Kaveh can reply, Alhaitham turns away from him, facing the television. “Why are they rapping again?” he asks. “Waste of time.”

Kaveh can tell that’s the end of the conversation.

For once, he doesn’t press the matter.

“How are things going with Alhaitham?” Tighnari asks.

Kaveh thinks about the padisarahs blooming in Alhaitham’s living room. “Fine,” he says.

“Just fine?” Tighnari sets down his cup of coffee. “Not Tighnari, he’s the worst, I hate him with every fiber of my being, you won’t believe what he did last week?”

“He bought padisarahs for our five-month anniversary,” Kaveh says absently.

“Ah,” Tighnari says.

Kaveh takes a sip of his own coffee—plain black, medium—and pauses. “Wait. Did you or Cyno tell him to do that? I bet he bought it using the company’s money.”

Tighnari shakes his head. “I haven’t seen him submit any reimbursement forms. I believe he purchased them himself.”

“He does have more than enough money for that,” Kaveh muses.

“Speaking of fake anniversaries, you’ve been together for two months now,” Tighnari says. “Do you feel more comfortable around him?”

“Comfortable?” Kaveh repeats. “I don’t think anyone could ever feel comfortable around Alhaitham. But… I think I understand the way his mind works a little better, now, even if he still pisses me off. And it can be fun to get reactions out of him. We watch movies together a lot.”

Tighnari’s face is unreadable. “That’s good.”

“Enough about me,” Kaveh says. He came into this office with a mission, and he’s determined to see it through. “I have a question. You and Cyno have been working together an awful lot ever since our relationship started, haven’t you?”

Tighnari tilts his head. “Yes…?”

“Is there something going on between you?” Kaveh says. “You guys would be cute together. You should consider it.”

Tighnari stares at Kaveh for a long moment, so long that Kaveh wonders if he over-stepped. As he scrambles to apologize for interfering in Tighnari’s personal life, Tighnari opens his mouth.

“Kaveh,” he says. “Cyno has been my boyfriend for three years. We live together.”

“Oh,” Kaveh says. And then, “Wait, what?”

He spends the next several minutes trying to process this news. It explains so much. Tighnari and Cyno’s perfectly synchronized text messages, their quiet faith in each other, the way they’re almost always on the same page about what to do with their relationship…

But it still feels like cold water being poured onto his head. An image he can’t quite piece together.

“You and Cyno,” Kaveh says. “But he’s so… so…”

“Choose your next words very carefully,” Tighnari warns, suddenly looking a little bit terrifying.

“...His jokes are so bad,” Kaveh settles upon saying.

With some clear reluctance, Tighnari nods. “Yes, that’s fair. I agree.”

“He literally learned how to use emojis, what, less than two months ago?”

“We all have our flaws,” Tighnari says. Why does he sound affectionate? Gross. “Sometimes two people who seem very different are just able to understand each other in a unique way. Cyno is that person for me. It’s like you and Alhaitham.”

Kaveh stills. “You’re comparing your relationship with Cyno,” he says very slowly, “to my fake PR relationship with Alhaitham?”

Tighnari’s sigh is so loud that it reverberates around his office. “Never mind. Forget it.”

They are interrupted by a quick knock on the door. “Mr. Tighnari!” calls a high-pitched voice. “The reports you requested are ready.”

“Come in, Collei,” Tighnari says. Kaveh recognizes the short figure that enters as Tighnari’s intern, a sweet girl who always becomes incredibly nervous when interacting with anybody other than Tighnari. If he remembers correctly, she’s still in college and is one of the youngest interns they’ve had.

Upon seeing Kaveh, Collei looks terrified. “Mr. Kaveh! I’m so sorry for interrupting—”

“Relax, Collei,” Tighnari says gently. “We’re just having coffee. Would you like some?”

“I’m okay!” Collei squeaks. “Um. Here are the reports.” She drops them on Tighnari’s desk and then all but flees the room.

Kaveh watches her go with some amusement. “Poor Collei.”

“She’s very hard-working,” Tighnari says. “But I think the social aspects of this industry still scare her a little. I’m hoping Faruzan’s party this weekend will help her make some new connections.”

“Faruzan’s party?” Kaveh asks. Faruzan is an experienced member of their company; nobody knows exactly how long she’s been working there. She’s incredibly sweet, if not a little intense when people accidentally strike up a conversation about her many passions.

“Oh, yes, I was going to talk about it before you started prying into my personal life.” Tighnari smiles, but it looks vaguely threatening. “Faruzan is hosting a get-together this weekend at her house. She wanted me to invite both you and Alhaitham.”

Kaveh knows how these things go. They’re fun, casual dinner parties filled with a combination of all kinds of people in the industry who have probably worked with each other behind the scenes before. The environment is always warm and friendly. Still… “You’re bringing the college kid to a company party?” he asks.

“Cyno and I will take care of Collei, of course,” Tighnari says. “Besides, we were planning to leave early anyways, so she can join us for dinner and then we’ll take her home.

“Alright.” Kaveh remembers how unexpressive Alhaitham was during his own movie premiere and winces. Hopefully, he can convince Alhaitham to let loose and have a fun night. “I’ll drag Alhaitham along.”

Faruzan’s house is buzzing with activity by the time they arrive. Of course, they are fashionably late, because Kaveh could not decide which outfit to wear even as Alhaitham impatiently texted him to hurry up because his driver was parked outside. But Kaveh thinks he made a great decision. The white suit has brown, gold, and red accents that match his favorite dangly earrings perfectly.

Alhaitham looked at Kaveh strangely upon seeing his outfit, but didn’t say anything. He’s so hard to read, sometimes.

There are a lot of people here that Kaveh is only peripherally familiar with, but he does spot some friendly faces. He sees a lot of other actors under the company, like Nilou, who waves at Kaveh with the loveliest smile. He’ll definitely find her later to dance once the party has reached the loud, bass-booming music stage. He also sees his stylist, Layla, chatting with a few others in the corner. Collei is hiding behind Tighnari while Cyno is speaking to a large group of people, probably telling them some terrible jokes judging by their expressions. He even sees their CEO, Nahida, floating around with their most recent hire—a short guy who Kaveh has only ever seen wearing a very large hat.

Faruzan steps into their path. “Kaveh! So good to see you again. I hope you’ve been eating and sleeping well.” Her smile strains as she faces Alhaitham. “You. You rarely come to my parties.”

If Alhaitham could look sheepish, he definitely would. “I’ve been busy.”

Faruzan clucks her tongue. “Oh, we all have! Still, I’m glad you’re finally here. Thanks for dragging him along, Kaveh. Come on, the food’s almost ready; let me show you to your seats.”

To Kaveh’s great dismay, he is seated right across from Cyno for dinner. He quickly downs the wine offered to him, hoping it will make the awful humor slightly more bearable.

Diagonally across from him is Collei. Kaveh tries to smile, but Collei shrinks away from the eye contact.

“It’s good wine, isn’t it?” Cyno says, nodding to Kaveh’s glass. Kaveh doesn’t have the heart to tell him that Cyno is the reason he’s been drinking so quickly. “I don’t know too much about wines, but I do consider myself quite the wine enthusiast. The more wine I have, the more enthusiastic I am.”

Kaveh groans out loud.

“Very funny, Mr. Cyno!” Collei squeaks.

“I think you’ve had enough wine,” Tighnari says.

Cyno frowns. “I’ve barely had any.”

“And that’s enough.”

“Let him have some fun, Tighnari,” Kaveh says, privately hoping that drunk Cyno has less of a penchant for making awful jokes. “Gods, you’re just like Alhaitham. You know, I brought my own wine over to his place once when we were watching movies. I even offered to share it with him! But instead of appreciating my generosity, he made me leave it in his kitchen, saying something like, I am not going to drink with you at 2 PM on a Tuesday. Isn’t that ridiculous?”

He shoots a very pointed glare at the unruffled man beside him, but his head then whips around when he hears Collei laugh. He isn’t the only one. Four pairs of eyes turn to Collei, who instantly turns as red as the wine.

She lifts a hand to her mouth. “I— I’m so sorry—”

“Don’t be,” Tighnari says. “I also enjoy laughing at Kaveh.”

“Hey,” Kaveh says, only slightly offended.

“Do you really think Kaveh is funnier than me,” Cyno says, clearly more than slightly offended, and they quickly scramble to change the topic. At least it seems to bring another small smile out of Collei.

After dinner ends, they get up and make their way over to Faruzan’s large back patio, decorated with comfortable chairs and fairy lights. Of course, there’s also a table covered with alcoholic beverages, which Kaveh quickly gravitates towards. He returns to Alhaitham and offers him the glass in his left hand. “Want one?”

Alhaitham frowns. “No.”

“Suit yourself,” Kaveh says, downing both glasses in rapid succession. They contain some kind of sugary, fruity concoction with only a hint of alcohol. Not his favorite, but pleasant enough.

“Too bad this isn’t a vegetable-themed party,” Cyno says, in a way that suggests a setup for an awful joke. “Then I could ask the DJ to turnip the beet.”

“On that note, I think it’s getting late. We should bring Collei home,” Tighnari says hastily. “It was nice to see you, Kaveh, Alhaitham. Have a great night.”

“I will!” Kaveh says cheerfully, waving them goodbye. Suddenly losing some of his energy, he sits on one of the couches. Alhaitham joins him a moment later.

“What Faruzan said earlier,” Kaveh says, “about you rarely coming to these things. That’s not true. I always saw you around.”

“Really.”

“Yeah.” Kaveh groans just thinking about it. “I would be having a lovely evening until I saw you standing in some random corner, and then I’d get pissed. Why were you literally everywhere?”

“Have you considered that you were searching for me everywhere?” Alhaitham says.

“What? Absolutely not!” Kaveh says. “You were the last person I wanted to see. Just ask Dehya. I complained to her all the time. She’d say, Oh, he’s annoying but really a decent guy once you get to know him, so just give him a chance, and I’d say, Why would I ever give him a chance, Dehya, he’s a rude asshole and seeing his face makes me want to throw a drink or something.”

“Didn’t you actually throw a drink at me once?”

“Yes, and?”

Alhaitham clears his throat. “Well, I’m certainly glad we got over our differences eventually,” he says pointedly, and Kaveh recognizes it as a reminder that they’re still in public, that their conversation could be overheard, that Kaveh is treading on dangerous territory.

“Oh, yes,” Kaveh says. “I’m so glad you confessed your love for me. And here we are.”

“Here we are,” Alhaitham echoes.

“Can you get me a drink, darling?” Kaveh says. He rests his cheek against a pillow on the couch. “I don’t feel like standing up.”

Alhaitham crosses his arms. “Get your own drink. I will not enable your unhealthy coping mechanisms.”

“I just asked for a drink, not an evaluation of my life,” Kaveh says, offended. “I miss Tighnari. He’s so much nicer to me. He does so many things for me without being asked.”

“You pay him to do those things.”

“That’s beside the point.” Kaveh suddenly remembers something. “Hey, did you know Tighnari and Cyno are together? Like, romantically? Like, they kiss and hold hands and all that stuff?”

He gleefully waits to see Alhaitham’s shock, but Alhaitham only nods. “Yes.”

“What the fuck?” Kaveh exclaims.

“How did you not know this?”

“How was I supposed to know?”

Alhaitham sighs. “Tighnari has a framed photo of them on his desk.”

“Oh,” Kaveh says. “Well. I never noticed that.”

“Obviously.”

Kaveh usually prides himself on being observant. To become a better actor, he always notices little details about other people, cataloging their unique mannerisms and behaviors in his mind. So how did Alhaitham notice something he didn’t? How did Kaveh miss something so glaringly obvious when it was right in front of him?

“I’m getting another drink,” he announces, standing up. This time, he needs something stronger.

Kaveh might have overestimated his own tolerance again, but by this point in the night, he’s having too much fun to care.

“Alhaitham,” he sings, dancing around him. “Alhaitham, Alhaitham, Alhaitham—”

Alhaitham stares. The drink that Kaveh pushed into his hand a little while ago appears untouched. “Are you done?”

“Come dance,” Kaveh beckons, grabbing Alhaitham’s hand and tugging. Alhaitham remains unmoved. “It’ll be so fun.”

“I doubt that,” Alhaitham says, looking at the other people around them with clear distaste.

“I won’t even challenge you to a twerk-off, I promise,” Kaveh says, mostly because he’s a bit too tired for that after Nilou spun him all over the place. The perils of being friends with classically-trained dancers. “Only because I know I would win and it would be super humiliating for you.”

“...Right,” Alhaitham says. “I’ll stay here. Don’t embarrass yourself too much.”

Kaveh groans. “What, you think I’m going to abandon my boyfriend to sulk in this corner all by himself?”

“As you have done all night, yes.”

Kaveh gasps. “I would never leave you to be so sad and lonely and pathetic—”

“None of those words describe my current state.”

“It’s okay to be sad, Alhaitham! Sadness is a healthy emotion.” Kaveh hiccups. “But I’m here! So…” He presses closer to Alhaitham and blinks up at him innocently. “Don’t be sad.”

“How drunk are you?” Alhaitham asks incredulously.

“Not drunk enough,” Kaveh says. He plants a sloppy kiss on Alhaitham’s cheek. As Alhaitham tenses up, Kaveh takes advantage of the moment and plucks the drink from Alhaitham’s grasp. He finishes it, spilling some of the sticky liquid and wiping it away from his lips with the back of his hand.

It might be a trick of the light, or his slightly-less-than-sober mind, but Alhaitham’s eyes seem to follow the motion.

“Why do you never drink?” Kaveh asks. He’s still standing very close to Alhaitham, close enough to kiss him on the cheek again, but he doesn’t bother to step back.

“I do,” Alhaitham says. “You’ve seen me drink before.”

“Well, you’re barely drinking anything tonight,” Kaveh says.

“I don’t need alcohol to enjoy myself,” Alhaitham says. Kaveh frowns. How can Alhaitham possibly be enjoying himself when he is just standing alone by the wall? “Besides, if you’re going to indulge, then one of us has to remain responsible.”

Kaveh says seriously, “I am very responsible.”

“Sure,” Alhaitham says. Maybe Kaveh is drunker than he realized, because Alhaitham looks like he’s smiling, so clearly his mind is far gone.

“You don’t believe me,” Kaveh accuses. “I take things so seriously, Alhaitham. Like this relationship. Haven’t I done so much to make it extra convincing?”

“You’re an actor,” Alhaitham deadpans. “Congratulations on doing your job.”

“Damn right, I’m an actor,” Kaveh says triumphantly. “And a great one, too.”

“Yeah,” Alhaitham agrees.

Kaveh stares at him.

“What?” Alhaitham says, rolling his eyes. “I shouldn’t have to tell you this. You know that you’re one of the best actors of our generation.”

The way he says it makes it sound like an insult, but is Alhaitham being nice? In his own, weird way?

Something about it causes Kaveh’s heart to twist weirdly, like it’s suddenly a bit too big for his chest. He almost feels dizzy, as if thinking about Alhaitham’s strange niceness is too Herculean of a task for him to complete right now.

So, instead of trying to process those feelings, he tosses the drink away and does something a little easier.

He leans in and kisses Alhaitham. When Alhaitham responds, hands circling Kaveh’s waist to pull him up and closer, the rest of the party—the music, the chatter, the people—fades into background noise. He leans into the familiar touch, forgetting where he is entirely.

When his hands start sliding under Alhaitham’s shirt, he suddenly gets pushed away, gently, and even this is familiar. Kaveh stares at Alhaitham, lips parted in a question.

“You’re really drunk,” Alhaitham says. “We shouldn’t do this here.”

“Somewhere else?” Kaveh asks hopefully.

Alhaitham shakes his head. “No. Come on, let me get you some water, and I’ll find you some space.”

For some reason, Kaveh feels a pang of rejection. Still, he obediently follows Alhaitham and takes the water offered to him, stumbling a little after he puts the glass back down. Alhaitham shakes his head. “Lightweight.” It sounds derogatory, yet somehow fond.

“I have perfectly average tolerance,” Kaveh protests.

“Don’t lie to yourself,” Alhaitham says. “Let’s find you somewhere to sit.”

Kaveh links his arm with Alhaitham’s to support his own weight as they wander along the first-floor hallway. Most of the partygoers are still outside or in the living room, so the hallway is largely quiet. Kaveh takes the moment to appreciate Faruzan’s taste in interior design, especially the intricate patterns lining the walls.

Eventually, Alhaitham pushes the door open to some guest room, and Kaveh stumbles in after him. Though he should probably be more concerned by his own inebriation, he likes that he feels off-balance. It makes things more exciting. Besides, if he falls over, he trusts that Alhaitham will catch him.

Actually, no. Alhaitham would probably just scoff at him on the floor or chide him for drinking so much. Trust is hard to come by in this industry, anyway. Yet somehow, without thinking too much about it, he wants to place his trust in Alhaitham. He wants Alhaitham to be there for him when he falls.

Kaveh nearly does fall, but luckily, the large guest bed catches him. He sinks into the fluffy blankets.

“Kaveh,” Alhaitham says, a rare touch of concern in his voice. Kaveh has become better at detecting those. “Are you alright?”

Kaveh attempts to sit up beside Alhaitham, who has joined him on the bed. “I’m amazing!” However, he finds his head slipping, and it lands on Alhaitham’s shoulder. “Right? Tell me I’m amazing.”

He hears and feels Alhaitham’s sigh. “Do you always act like this when you’re drunk?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Kaveh says cheerfully, closing his eyes. That’s so much better. No more room swirling around him. Just darkness.

He remembers, faintly, reading something once about how your other senses become stronger when one is taken away. Although he’s not a neuroscientist, it makes sense to him. He hears Alhaitham’s steady breathing, smells the addictive scent of his cologne, and feels the solid shoulder beneath his head. Tastes the sweet alcohol lingering on his tongue.

Although, now that he listens closely, Alhaitham’s breathing doesn’t seem so steady anymore. In fact, as Kaveh adjusts his position to bury his face into Alhaitham’s neck and rest more of his weight on him, he hears Alhaitham’s sharp intake of breath.

“Alhaitham?” he murmurs. He opens his eyes. The room is too bright, and Alhaitham’s expression is unreadable. Even like this, he’s unbearably pretty. He always has been.

So Kaveh tells him. “You’re pretty,” he says, and laughs to himself delightedly. He reaches out a hand and squishes Alhaitham’s cheeks. Gods, how long has he wanted to do that?

“You’re drunk,” Alhaitham says. He sounds weird. Probably because his cheeks are squished.

“Mhmm.” Suddenly, Kaveh wants to close the remaining distance between them. Wants to play with Alhaitham’s hair and smooth out the wrinkles on his forehead and push up the corners of his mouth. Wants to kiss him, over and over again, like the two of them are the only people in the world.

He tries. He moves in, watching as Alhaitham’s eyes widen in lovely surprise. Their lips are only breaths apart when Alhaitham pushes him away.

“There’s no one here,” Alhaitham says. “You don’t need to pretend.”

“Oh,” Kaveh says, and tries to kiss him again.

Once more, Alhaitham stops him. There are not enough words in any language to describe the complicated mix of emotions on his face. Even if there are, Kaveh can’t recall any of them right now, because he’s well past the line of drunkenness.

“Kaveh,” Alhaitham says. “Don’t.”

So Kaveh stops, even though it feels like something unnameable is shattering inside. He lies back down, resting his head in Alhaitham’s lap. Alhaitham lets him.

“I hate you,” Kaveh says, and knows it to be the truth.

“Yes. I know.”

“I really do hate you.” And then he can no longer stop the words from spilling out. “I hate your stupid handsome face and your stupid genuine smile that you never show anybody and your stupid strong arms that you could probably uproot trees with. I hate that when you’re not even trying to be a good fake boyfriend, you’re still the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.”

“Kaveh,” Alhaitham warns.

But Kaveh refuses to be stopped. “Sometimes,” he says, “I hate you so much that I want you to kiss me like you mean it.”

The words float in the air between them for a while. Kaveh has lost track of the passage of time, so he can’t tell if it’s a second or an eternity before he hears Alhaitham sigh. “You’ve had way too much to drink,” he says. “I’ll take you home.”

Alhaitham doesn’t say anything in the car. He doesn’t even look at Kaveh.

It makes Kaveh’s head hurt and stomach churn. Although, that could really be the alcohol. “Alhaitham,” he tries again. “Haitham.”

Alhaitham is still staring out the window, intent on pretending Kaveh doesn’t exist.

Kaveh wants to throw up. “Haitham, I’m going to throw up.”

“Don’t,” Alhaitham says. At least his presence is finally being acknowledged. “We’re almost at your house.”

“Don’t leave me alone,” Kaveh pleads, grabbing his arm. He waits for Alhaitham to push him away again. “I feel like shit.”

Alhaitham looks at him for a long moment, then clears his throat. “Can you take us to my house instead?” he asks his driver.

Kaveh is too focused on taking deep breaths and not hurling his dinner all over the floor of Alhaitham’s nice car to properly process the rest of the journey. He dimly registers Alhaitham helping him out from the back, supporting his weight as he unlocks the door, and setting Kaveh down on the couch. Finally, Alhaitham extricates himself from Kaveh’s hold.

“Still feel like throwing up?” he asks. Kaveh nods. Alhaitham sighs and disappears, returning with a glass of water and an empty bucket. “Don’t vomit on the couch.”

Kaveh gulps the water greedily, though it does nothing to relieve the pounding in his head. He lays his head back down and stares up at the empty ceiling.

Alhaitham’s footsteps retreat, and then Kaveh is alone.

Kaveh opens his eyes on someone else’s couch with a horrendous headache and no memory of how he got there. Panic floods through him as he bolts upright. Then, he takes in the expansiveness of the room, the books scattered on the coffee table, the padisarahs that are somehow still alive, and relaxes. It’s Alhaitham’s house. He’s fine. Everything’s fine.

Wait. Why is he at Alhaitham’s house?

Kaveh rubs his eyes blearily, drinks the remainder of a cup of water on the nightstand, and steps carefully past an empty bucket to wander around the living room. He’s still wearing the outfit he picked out last night. In fact, picking out that outfit and going to the party are some of the last clear memories in his mind. He has no idea what happened after he started drinking.

“Alhaitham?” he calls. Only silence greets him. Alhaitham isn’t in the kitchen or dining room, so Kaveh starts pushing random doors open, stopping when he comes face to face with Alhaitham sitting at a desk.

Alhaitham sighs and removes his headphones. “It’s rude to look around someone’s house without their permission.”

Kaveh bites back whatever retort was about to form on the tip of his tongue. He let you stay at his place, he reminds himself. “...Sorry.”

“What was that?”

“Never mind,” Kaveh snaps. “Look, I… I’m guessing I drank too much last night? So thank you. For taking care of me. I think.”

Alhaitham regards him evenly from behind the desk. “How much do you remember?”

“I remember going to the party,” Kaveh says. “Um. Not much, after that.”

“I see.” Alhaitham tilts his head. “You are correct. You became very drunk very quickly, so I tried to bring you back to your house, but it didn’t seem safe to leave you alone. So I brought you here.”

Kaveh winces. Curse his stupidly low tolerance. “Did I do anything stupid while drunk?”

“Nothing more stupid than usual, no.”

Kaveh glares. “You are the worst, you know?”

“Is this how you want to thank me after I brought you home?”

He’s right. Kaveh hates that he’s right. He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry for burdening you with that. I really do… appreciate it.” Ugh, this feels awful.

“What else would I do? Your well-being affects my reputation,” Alhaitham says, because of course he does. “But I shouldn’t have to take care of you. You should take care of yourself.”

Kaveh groans. Why is it so impossible to have a normal conversation with this man? Then again, Alhaitham has been looking kind of strangely at Kaveh ever since he took off his headphones.

He’s probably just annoyed that Kaveh is still hungover and hanging around his house, disturbing the peace. So, Kaveh mumbles a quick excuse about needing to go and gets out of there.

Out of nowhere, Alhaitham says, “We don’t have to watch this movie.”

Kaveh looks over. “What else did you want to watch?”

“Well, we don’t have to watch anything,” Alhaitham clarifies.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Kaveh says. He adjusts his position on the couch. “What else would we do? Talk?”

Alhaitham sighs. “...I’m trying to say that you don’t seem like you’re in the mood to watch movies today. In fact, you look like shit. So don’t force yourself.”

Kaveh supposes that Alhaitham would never actually ask him, What’s wrong, do you want to talk about it? But Alhaitham does reach for the remote and turn the TV off, leaving Kaveh staring at his forlorn reflection in the empty screen.

“A Parade of Providence isn’t getting a third season,” he finds himself saying. “They canceled it.”

“Oh,” Alhaitham says.

And then the dam is broken, and the words spill out of Kaveh in frustration. “I mean, the second season didn’t do as well as the first, so maybe I should’ve expected it. But we worked really, really hard on season two, and my character’s arc was nearing its resolution. The fans were so excited for the next season! So for the studio to just give up on it… it really hurts.”

“That’s difficult news,” Alhaitham says. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t need your pity,” Kaveh snaps. “I’ll be fine. Soon. I’m just annoyed that shows like this get axed the second they don’t do well, even when they’re telling important stories that deserve to be represented onscreen. Compared to the other commercial garbage out there, A Parade of Providence had so much heart. People actually liked my performance. And now it’s over, just like everything else.”

Alhaitham frowns. “Commercial garbage?” he repeats.

“Ah, fuck,” Kaveh says. “I didn’t mean it like that. Everyone’s allowed to have their own preferences. I just think the entertainment industry shouldn’t be solely based on how much money something makes. When studios prioritize profit over everything else, they replace all creativity and originality with something tired and formulaic.”

“There is no alternate business model,” Alhaitham says. “If studios didn’t make a profit, they would be unable to create anything at all.”

Kaveh scowls. “I know that. Don’t explain how basic economics works to me. But isn’t it unfair that everything is solely based on numbers these days? What about the love, the passion? Wouldn’t it be amazing if movies and shows could be evaluated based on their emotional impact among viewers, and how they resonate with people on an individual level?”

“I don’t think it’s unfair,” Alhaitham points out, his tone even. “You’re just an idealist.”

“Excuse me?”

Seemingly unaware of how each word out of his mouth is making Kaveh’s blood boil more hotly, Alhaitham continues, “If we want to evaluate films’ impact on the public, we can only do so by aggregating. Objective metrics like number of streams or box office revenue are what keep the wheels of the industry turning by ensuring that people who work on these projects receive adequate pay. Creatives can’t produce more content if they don’t make a profit. It may be an art, but ultimately, it needs to be a business as well.”

“I can’t believe you think that,” Kaveh says. “You’re an actor. Surely you’ve felt the disappointment of your shows being canceled, or your favorite films not doing as well as you hoped?”

“Of course, but my personal preferences and market preferences are two separate things,” Alhaitham says. “I can recognize how my own tastes differ from the numbers, but that doesn’t mean that my preferences are representative of how the wider audience feels.”

“Fuck you,” Kaveh says.

“Why are you taking this personally?” Alhaitham says. “I’m pointing out a fact. There’s no realistic way to measure individual enjoyment, so the industry needs to prioritize the numbers you so hate.”

“Fuck you,” Kaveh says, again, because he isn’t sure what else to say.

Alhaitham raises an eyebrow. “You’re mad at me because you know I’m correct.”

“You’re wrong,” Kaveh says. “There’s more to this art than views and dollars and, I don’t know, critical reviews or whatever else you think represents objective worth. What really matters is how it makes people feel. Otherwise, why would we even act? Just for the money, the gold stars, and the fame?”

“Are you still trying to convince me?” Alhaitham asks. “Because it sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself.”

Kaveh rears back as if Alhaitham slapped him. Maybe that would have hurt less. “What are you talking about?”

“I’ve seen the way you obsessively read the social media posts about yourself,” Alhaitham says. “The film reviews that people write. The YouTube videos analyzing your performances. The internet articles dissecting your private life. Nobody cares about public opinion and critical reception more than you do. You can’t even appreciate your own work if others don’t praise you for it first.”

“That’s not true,” Kaveh denies fiercely, even as he feels rooted to the spot with how Alhaitham’s words have seen right through him and pierced straight through his heart.

Yet his stillness seems to give Alhaitham more motivation to continue. Alhaitham stands up and walks over to Kaveh’s side of the couch. “You’ve been trying to prove yourself for years. But to who? To others, or to yourself? Why do you subject yourself to such impossibly high standards? Why can’t you be satisfied?”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kaveh breathes. “You don’t even know me. How dare you make these judgments about my life just because we’ve been in a fake relationship?”

“You’re an easy person to read, Kaveh,” Alhaitham says. He leans in. “I know you better than you realize.”

Kaveh’s hands ball into fists. “You don’t understand the first thing about my emotions.”

“Really,” Alhaitham says, suddenly quiet. And then, “It’s because of your Akademiya Award, isn’t it.”

He doesn’t phrase it like a question, so Kaveh doesn’t answer.

“You won an Akademiya Award when you were 18, but now, you’re scared you’ll never be recognized for your talents again,” Alhaitham says, his voice unbearably soft. “You need the award, the trophy, to feel like you’ve lived up to all the potential everyone thought you had. Kaveh, the light of the Teyvat film industry, the star of the decade. Yet the only other Akademiya Award you won after that was for Best Supporting Actor, so you’re still trying to realize your ideals and reach an impossible standard. How is that going for you?”

Every sentence is coated with honeyed poison—cruel in its deadly accuracy, striking Kaveh right in the most vulnerable parts of himself.

“If individual enjoyment truly mattered so much to you, you would be able to appreciate your own acting more,” Alhaitham says. He places his hands against the back of the couch, his arms bracketing Kaveh’s shoulders. “But you can’t. Even the love of all the people in the world isn’t enough for you, because you’re still incapable of loving yourself.”

He hovers there, only inches away from Kaveh.

“You should shut up,” Kaveh whispers. “There’s no use in telling me things I already know.”

Alhaitham’s face is unreadable, but he sees Alhaitham’s eyelashes flutter downward—the slightest, miniscule movement.

Kaveh swallows. The motion is mirrored in the bob of Alhaitham’s throat.

“Then you should learn,” Alhaitham says, equally hushed, “to listen to your own words.”

Kaveh becomes aware of the sound of his own rapid heartbeat, the rhythm increasing steadily in speed. It’s just because nobody has looked at him or touched him the way Alhaitham has in a long time. It’s just because he’s lonely, and Alhaitham is the closest thing he has.

Alhaitham is so, so close.

Kaveh needs him to be even closer.

“Maybe,” Kaveh breathes out, “both of us should stop talking.”

Alhaitham’s expression darkens. As Kaveh surges up to meet him, Alhaitham pushes him down into the couch. They collide somewhere in the middle, Alhaitham’s hands grabbing Kaveh’s flowy shirt.

“Are you sure about this?” Alhaitham asks.

“Shut up and kiss me.”

For once, Alhaitham does as told.

The first thing Kaveh’s sleep-addled mind registers is the warmth. The second is the weight. It takes him a moment longer, but he finally puts the two together and recognizes the feeling of someone else’s arm draped over his body, their soft breaths tickling the back of his neck.

He opens his eyes and rolls over to see Alhaitham sleeping beside him, the perfect picture of calm. A ray of sunlight from the window in the bedroom turns his silver hair into a lovely halo of gold, and Kaveh feels the strongest urge to reach out and run his hands through it.

It is a quiet morning. Peaceful, as if they have all the time in the world. He could get used to this.

As soon as that thought is fully formed in his brain, Kaveh realizes what he did—and how astronomically he screwed up.

He tries to sit up. It’s difficult. Alhaitham’s arm seems very intent on trapping him in the unfamiliar bed. Panic swells up inside him, an overwhelming rush of fear that turns his entire body cold despite the comfortable blankets.

Is this a bad dream? Would it even be a bad one? The sheets are too solid and the memories are too vivid for this to be something from his imagination.

Even with his lack of experience in fake relationships, he knows you aren’t supposed to sleep with your fake boyfriend. It breaks their rules. It probably breaks the rules of every single fake relationship in the history of fake relationships. Kaveh has done the stupidest thing imaginable, and now, he’s ruined everything.

“Kaveh?” Alhaitham’s arm shifts, brushing against his side. His eyes are open.

Kaveh waits for the realization to hit, for Alhaitham to recoil in disgust or shove Kaveh out of his bed. But all Alhaitham does is continue to stare at Kaveh, the corners of his mouth lifting in what appears to be an approximation of a smile. Eventually, he says, “Good morning.”

A hysterical laugh bubbles up in the back of Kaveh’s throat. He is going to lose it. “I’m fucked,” he declares, slipping out from underneath Alhaitham’s arm and swinging his legs off the bed to sit upright. He tries very hard not to think about the unintended double meaning and fails. “Oh, Gods. I regret everything. This is the worst mistake I’ve ever made.”

He gets up to look for his clothes amid the pile on the floor, cringing at the exhaustion in his limbs. He is halfway dressed and tugging on his right sock when he realizes Alhaitham has been silent for a while and looks back at the bed.

Alhaitham is still lying there, watching Kaveh. The half-smile has vanished.

“Are you going to say anything?” Kaveh demands, voice breaking.

“What is there to say?” Alhaitham says sharply. Even though they shouldn’t, the words still sting, like a wound that has been freshly reopened.

At that moment, both of their phones beep.

Kaveh refuses to break eye contact. After a tense silence, Alhaitham is the one who looks away first. He picks up his phone from the nightstand and reads the screen. “Tighnari and Cyno want us to come to the office.”

“Shit,” Kaveh says. “Do you think they know…?” He can’t bring himself to finish the sentence.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Alhaitham says. “They wouldn’t know unless they somehow installed a camera in my room.” Before Kaveh can look around in suspicion, he adds, “Which is very unlikely. And also illegal.”

“But why else would they call us to the office right now?”

Alhaitham tugs a shirt over his head. “Let’s find out.”

Tighnari and Cyno do a half-decent job of concealing their surprise when Kaveh and Alhaitham walk in together. At first, Kaveh thinks the reaction is unnecessary. Then, he takes in the state of his rumpled clothes from yesterday, the marks on his shoulder, and Alhaitham’s slightly less-than-perfect hair, and realizes what it must look like.

He wants the ground to split in half and swallow him whole. As far as morning-afters go, this has to be one of the worst.

Thankfully, Tighnari doesn’t comment on it. “Thank you for getting here so quickly,” he says. “Cyno and I wanted to hold this meeting because it’s been three months since you started this fake relationship.”

A quick glance at the calendar on the wall confirms this. The past three months have felt like an eternity and a half, yet here they are, at the end.

“We’ve examined your current public images in extensive detail and found promising results,” Cyno says. “The backlash from the initial feud has largely abated and been replaced by enthusiasm for your status as a couple. Public opinion of Alhaitham has also turned positive, even exceeding the levels before the viral video. Now that it’s been three months, the relationship is also less likely to be viewed as a PR stunt.”

“We know you two didn’t want to be in this relationship,” Tighnari says, “so we’re grateful that you have endured for this long. You can break up soon.”

Break up. Kaveh doesn’t even know how to react. By all accounts, he should be feeling overjoyed that he’ll finally be free of Alhaitham. That he only has to wait a little longer before he can put these awful months behind him.

So why doesn’t he feel any of that? Why does he stand there, staring open-mouthed at their agents, instead of jumping up and down with excitement?

At his side, Alhaitham is also silent.

Cyno exchanges an uncertain glance with Tighnari. “Well… we could also continue the relationship for a little while. Both of your reputations have grown, so it’s a good opportunity to milk the media attention—”

“No,” Alhaitham cuts in tersely. “No need. Let’s start planning right now.”

There is no explanation for the hurt that Kaveh feels. The sense of betrayal. Alhaitham owes him nothing, and both of them wanted this to be over quickly from the start. He hates Alhaitham; Alhaitham hates him. This is how it should end.

Kaveh is just a fool.

“Yes,” he says. “Let’s end this as soon as possible.”

The rest of the hour feels uncomfortably reminiscent of the first meeting with the four of them in Tighnari’s office. Except this time, instead of orchestrating their fake relationship, they’re orchestrating a fake breakup.

They set the date: in two weeks’ time, Kaveh will post a social media announcement saying that he and Alhaitham have parted ways. They come up with a plausible story: the stress of being in the public eye made them realize they weren’t healthy for each other. Each detail is meticulously planned, and throughout it all, Alhaitham refuses to look Kaveh in the eye.

Memories well up in Kaveh’s mind. The pavilion in the rose garden, where they had their first kiss. The back of the car, witness to all of their shared journeys. Alhaitham’s bed, followed by the heated touches, the rumpled sheets, and the softness of early morning sunlight.

All of it was fake, he knows. None of it meant anything. If it ever felt like it did, then that was his mistake.

Two weeks. Fourteen days. Fourteen days until they break up and Alhaitham will probably never speak with him again.

With their split on the horizon, there is no reason for them to spend time together anymore. So Kaveh does not reach out, and neither does Alhaitham. Instead, he counts down the days by sleeping in, rereading the material for his upcoming auditions, and catching up with friends.

Though he is not single yet—even if he has technically been single this whole time—he enjoys the feeling of being untethered, of worrying only about himself. There is no fake boyfriend following him around, reminding him to drink in moderation, and chiding him for making careless errors. It’s the freedom he dreamed of. He should be having a great time.

“You look tired, Kaveh,” Candace observes. “Is everything okay?”

Candace and Dehya invited him out to a newly-opened karaoke bar after he asked if they had any evening plans. He yelled his heart out a bit too passionately to several Xinyan songs in a row, and now he slumps against the couch, nursing a drink.

“I’m fine,” Kaveh says. “Why wouldn’t I be? Man, I missed karaoke.”

“Me too!” Dehya says. “Well, I can’t say I missed your awful singing, but we should definitely do this more often. Hey, you can invite Alhaitham next time! I bet we’ll get him to sing eventually.”

Kaveh groans, and Candace frowns. “Did something happen between you two?”

“Yes. No. Not really.” Kaveh sighs, not wanting to say too much. Candace and Dehya have always been incredibly perceptive, and he’s not sober enough to keep his secrets. “Things are just complicated right now.”

“I’m sorry,” Dehya says, genuine. “Do you need me to smack some sense into him? He may be muscular, but I can definitely teach him a lesson.”

“I will not let you do that,” Candace scolds.

Despite himself, Kaveh laughs, even though Alhaitham’s muscles are the last thing he needs to think about right now. “I’m okay, but thanks, Dehya.”

“He’s not an easy person to deal with, is he?” Dehya says. “Still, for what it’s worth, I’ve seen how the two of you act together. He really cares about you. Whatever it is, I hope you get through it.”

Kaveh swallows. “Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, I’m sure we will. Thanks.” He promptly gulps the remainder of his drink. It burns.

A few too many drinks later, Kaveh is stumbling back into his own home. Too tired to go to his bedroom, he collapses on the couch. His phone stares at him from the coffee table, its bright screen a temptation and a taunt.

Kaveh just wants to hear Alhaitham’s voice. To have a reminder of the familiarity that has developed between them, even if it means Alhaitham insults his drinking habits and calls him irresponsible.

Because Alhaitham has always been an incredible actor—skilled enough to make friends like Dehya believe in their lies.

Kaveh knew it was an act from the start. So why, along the way, did he start to believe it too?

There are three days left. Kaveh doesn’t think he can do it.

His life has become a mess. He has always been disorganized in times of stress, but his bedroom is particularly inhospitable right now, so he is camped out on the living room couch with a tub of strawberry ice cream in hand and watching cat videos.

The clock reads 2 AM. All he can think about is the fact that is he painfully lonely, the night is too quiet, and his thoughts are too loud. Before he can stop himself, he picks up his phone and makes a decision he’s too tired to regret.

His ringtone echoes through the living room once, twice, a couple more times. Just when he is about to give up hope and accept reality, the call connects.

“Kaveh?” Alhaitham says. His voice is rough with sleep.

“Hi.”

“Why did you wake me up? Are you drunk?”

“No, not drunk,” Kaveh protests. He wishes he was. “I just… missed you.”

A long pause. Almost too long—Kaveh starts to wonder if the call disconnected. Then, he hears, “I’m not convinced that you’re not drunk.”

Without thinking, Kaveh says, “If you don’t believe me, then come over and see for yourself.”

He waits for the rejection, for Alhaitham to scoff and hang up and return to his sleep. After all, there is no reason for Alhaitham to agree.

The line is quiet.

“Okay,” Alhaitham says. He hangs up.

Disbelief sets in. Alhaitham doesn’t live that far from him, but there’s no way he’s actually coming over in the middle of the night just because Kaveh’s emotions are far too fragile for him to be alone. Surely he already blocked Kaveh’s number and has no plans of showing up.

So when he hears a knock on his door around fifteen minutes later, he nearly drops his phone into ice cream.

Alhaitham is standing outside the door, looking a little sleepier and annoyed than usual, but otherwise completely ordinary. He’s even wearing his usual daytime outfit, almost as if he went to sleep in it. It would be a funny thought if Kaveh didn’t know what Alhaitham’s pajamas look like, and now that particular train of thought is spiraling in a direction he does not like one bit.

“You’re here,” Kaveh says.

“Yes.” Alhaitham raises an eyebrow. “Are you going to let me in?”

Still somewhat dazed, Kaveh opens the door wider to allow Alhaitham inside. It occurs to him then that has been to Alhaitham’s place many times, but Alhaitham has never visited his.

Oh, no. He looks around and imagines what Alhaitham sees: the empty takeout boxes, the pillows on the floor, and the overflowing trash bin. His house is never as clean as Alhaitham’s, but this is a particularly awful representation.

“You’re really not drunk, are you?” Alhaitham asks.

Kaveh sits back down on the couch. After some hesitation, Alhaitham brushes some crumbs off and does the same. “No. I’m not,” Kaveh says.

Even in the dim light, he can make out Alhaitham’s head tilting. “Then what’s this about?”

Kaveh takes the time to choose his words carefully. Eventually, he says, “I can’t believe our fake breakup is so soon. I don’t know if I feel ready for it.”

“Why?” Alhaitham says. “None of it was real. There is no need to spend more time around each other and continue the charade.” The words are delivered as calmly as if he is pointing out the simplest facts in the universe. In his mind, he must be.

Because it started feeling real to me, Kaveh doesn’t say. Because… I’m in love with you.

That’s what it was all along, wasn’t it? What he tried so hard to deny to himself. But in the end, there is no other explanation for it. No other outcome for the awful, awful decisions that led him to this point.

It’s completely ridiculous. It sounds like a confession from those awful fake dating movies that he once found so cliché and unrealistic. Yet this is the plot of his life, and he is the unfortunate main character.

There is no point in saying any of this out loud. Alhaitham doesn’t feel the same way. Has always hated him, even. Kaveh is no stranger to rejection, but he is not its biggest fan, so he would rather not give Alhaitham the chance to shatter his heart even more.

Besides, Alhaitham is the smartest man Kaveh has ever met. He probably figured it out before Kaveh.

“I know,” Kaveh says instead. “Believe me, I know.” He closes his eyes. “I can’t sleep. Can you… talk about something?”

“Will that actually help you?” Alhaitham says.

“...Just do it. Please.”

He hears Alhaitham make a thoughtful noise, and the blankets on the couch rustle. “I was reading the Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus earlier today. Are you familiar with it?”

“What do you think? No.”

“I’ll try to explain it in basic terms, then. Essentially, the world is composed of logical objects at the most fundamental level. Language is used to make propositions about the world by communicating to other people how those objects stand in relation…”

This is how Kaveh falls asleep—curled up on the couch to the sound of Alhaitham’s voice telling him about the relationship between language and reality.

By the time he is conscious again, Alhaitham is long gone. Kaveh’s living room has been tidied up, the pillows returned to their rightful places and the trash taken out. The coffee table even contains a plate of cold breakfast.

Alhaitham texted him several hours ago.

Chat with Alhaitham

Alhaitham
You need to restock your fridge. Toast and Kraft cheese do not make a balanced diet.

kaveh <3
thanks for breakfast
and for coming over last night

He receives a response within seconds.

Alhaitham
More like your lunch, at this point.

The typing bubble appears, disappears, and reappears.

Alhaitham
You probably shouldn’t call me again.

“Help me, Tighnari,” Kaveh begs as soon as Tighnari picks up the phone. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“What’s wrong?”

Wow. He must sound truly awful if even Tighnari isn’t calling him out for his dramatics. “Alhaitham.”

“What’s wrong with him?”

“Everything!”

“Let me rephrase,” Tighnari says tiredly. “What do you need help with concerning Alhaitham?”

“It’s kind of a long story.” He really doesn’t want to get into the details.

“I have time. Well, I’m on the clock right now, but talking to you is part of my job description, so go ahead.”

What choice does he have? “Fine. I’m in love with Alhaitham but he still absolutely hates my guts but I still want to spend time with him but I don’t want to make him hate me even more and we’re breaking up in two days and after that he’ll probably never talk to me again but I don’t know what to do without him in my life because somewhere along the way I got attached and started caring too much because I clearly have the worst possible taste in men so now I just don’t know what to do.”

“Never mind,” Tighnari says, sounding like he’s aged twenty years. “This is definitely not in my job description.”

“Tighnari, please.”

Tighnari makes him wait for a few more seconds before he answers. “I had a feeling something like that was happening,” he says. “I’m sorry, Kaveh. Apparently, Alhaitham told Cyno very clearly that he wanted to end the relationship as soon as possible. I know this must be difficult.”

“I don’t know what to do,” Kaveh repeats.

He hears Tighnari’s sigh. “Well… There’ll be other people, Kaveh. Other chances for you to be happy and find a real relationship. You are loved by so many people, remember?”

It would be pathetic of him to say that he doesn’t care about the other people, that he only cares about one ornery actor who has never let Kaveh’s celebrity status change his demeanor ever since their very first encounter. So he doesn’t say it.

“So it may not feel like it right now, but you’ll be okay.” Tighnari pauses. “And for what it’s worth, I don’t think he hated all the time he spent with you.”

The night before the planned breakup, Kaveh binge-watches all of the romance movies in his collection.

He has a soft spot for them. A good actor should be able to tell a story in any genre, but Kaveh adores tales that come from the heart, portraying love and loss and longing and every shade of emotion in between. It’s why he continues to pursue acting, after all—to create art that will transport someone to a completely different world, yet help them see how some feelings are universal to the human experience.

Part of him envies the fictional characters on the screen. They may endure conflict and tension, but ultimately, what awaits them at the end is the certainty of a happy ending. For the lucky ones, at least. Kaveh has the freedom to make his own decisions, but it means he holds himself responsible when things don’t go according to the perfect script. When his romantic ending slips away from him, he is the only one to blame.

But this isn’t a movie. It’s his life. If he sits on the couch all day and doesn’t do anything about it, isn’t he resigning himself to an unhappy ending?

Kaveh has been cooped up in his living room for too long. He needs to go somewhere, anywhere but here, to breathe in the cold outside air and remember that he has control over his life. That there are limitless possibilities ahead of him, if only he takes the first step.

He throws on a jacket, slips on the first pair of shoes he sees, and opens the door.

Alhaitham is standing right outside.

Kaveh screams.

“Keep your voice down!” Alhaitham hisses, grabbing Kaveh by the shoulders.

Kaveh instantly shuts his mouth. Then opens it again, albeit without screaming. “What are you doing outside my house?” he asks.

“Where are you going?” Alhaitham says. Answering his question with another question. How typical.

“I was going to, um—” Kaveh racks his brain— “Buy groceries. To restock my fridge.”

Alhaitham stares at him. “At midnight.”

“Yes. They have, um. Special discounts.”

A long pause. Kaveh mentally weighs the pros and cons of slamming the door in Alhaitham’s face, then applying for a visa to Khaenri’ah so he can move out of the country and never return.

Alhaitham sighs. “Can I talk to you?” he says.

“You’re talking to me right now.”

“Kaveh.”

Whatever it is, Kaveh doesn’t really want to hear him out. He wants to snark back, to come up with some excuse, to go buy five sacks of potatoes or something just so he doesn’t have to stand here and face his soon-to-be fake ex-boyfriend.

But Kaveh is also tired, and his heart has been hurting for far too long.

“Fine,” he says quietly. “Come in.”

It’s painfully awkward when they sit back down on Kaveh’s couch for the second time in days. “How have you been?” Alhaitham asks.

Kaveh raises his eyebrows. Alhaitham, trying to make small talk? “Get to the point,” he says. “Why are you here?”

Alhaitham hesitates, looking away, as if he cannot gather the courage to face him. “I was reflecting on some moments from the past few months.”

“You? Reminiscing?” Kaveh says.

Alhaitham meets his eyes slowly. “Do you remember Faruzan’s party?”

“Yes. Well, somewhat. I remember going to the party and waking up at your house with an awful hangover. We never really talked about it.” Kaveh pauses. “Wait. Did something happen while I was drunk?”

“We… had a conversation.” Alhaitham has never taken this long to get a sentence out before. “You told me that you hate me.”

Kaveh scoffs. “Yeah? Well, that’s not news.”

“You told me,” and Alhaitham is suddenly impossible to look away from, “that sometimes, you hate me so much you want me to kiss you like I mean it. And this was after you tried to kiss me. Twice.”

Oh. Oh.

So all this time, Alhaitham knew. Well before Kaveh understood it himself.

Despite Kaveh’s silence, Alhaitham continues. “Do you remember our appearance on Good Morning Teyvat?”

“Of course,” Kaveh manages to say, even as his head is spinning. “You told the nation about the first time we met.”

“Everything I said was true.”

Too many emotions race through his head at once: shock, disbelief, outrage. “No, it wasn’t,” Kaveh snaps.

Alhaitham nods. “You’re right. To be specific, we never actually dated for three months beforehand, nor did I ever properly apologize to you. But what I said about that day on the set of Lionsblood? It was the truth. Do you remember that day, Kaveh?”

This time, Kaveh doesn’t answer him, but Alhaitham keeps speaking.

“I saw you across the room, for the first time, and I didn’t know what to do with myself. When you walked over to me, I didn’t know how to act. I tried to seem indifferent, so you wouldn’t see how much your presence affected me.”

Kaveh can’t take it anymore. “I’ve heard this story before, Alhaitham. Congrats. You’re a fantastic liar.”

“I have never lied about this,” Alhaitham says. “The feelings that I have for you, that I’ve had ever since that day—”

“Shut up!” Kaveh bursts out, and it finally stuns Alhaitham into silence. “Gods, shut up and stop lying to me. I get it! You know how to act. But if all of this was fake to you, stop tormenting me and let me move on in peace!”

It isn’t until Alhaitham reaches up to brush a tear off Kaveh’s cheek that Kaveh realizes he is crying.

“You’re still not listening to me,” Alhaitham says, impossibly tender in the face of Kaveh’s broken anger. “Kaveh. Every time I kissed you, I meant it.”

Kaveh hardly feels in control of his own voice when he says, “Prove it—”

Alhaitham surges forward and kisses him. And. Well. After that, Kaveh loses control of everything else.

Eventually, they break apart for air. Kaveh mourns the loss of contact, but at least he can think a little more clearly. That is, until Alhaitham starts kissing his neck, and then he can’t think about much at all.

“Wait,” he says, after basking in the attention for a moment. “So… what does this mean?”

Alhaitham groans into Kaveh’s collarbone and pulls back to glare at him. “Your stupidity is incredibly unattractive.”

Kaveh stiffens. “Excuse me—”

“It means that I’m in love with you—have been for years, in fact—and don’t want to lose you.”

“Oh,” Kaveh says dumbly. Alhaitham should really stop saying the most romantic things with the flattest delivery. It does awful things to Kaveh’s heart. He almost wants to tell him, Once more, with feeling!

Still, it doesn’t make sense. “Then why did you always act like you hated me?”

“Because you hated me,” Alhaitham says.

“I told you that I wanted you to kiss me,” Kaveh points out, baffled. “At that party. Why didn’t you do anything afterward?”

“You were drunk,” Alhaitham says. “You didn’t even remember. It wasn’t real. And well, I assumed that you only became attached to me because of our fake relationship. Once it was over, you would fall in love with someone else. You called me the worst mistake you’ve ever made, remember?”

Kaveh cringes as the memories of that awkward morning return to him. “I… I didn’t mean it. I panicked and didn’t understand my own feelings. But now I know, and I don’t want anyone else.”

“Really?” Alhaitham is quiet. “Or am I just another person you acted alongside? Another one of your co-stars who will only ever occupy a temporary position in your heart?”

Everything suddenly makes sense. “You were jealous,” Kaveh realizes. “Gods. That’s why you kept bringing up my dating history!”

Alhaitham frowns. “I did not do that.”

“Yes, you did.”

All this time, they were tangled up in this fake relationship, dancing around their real feelings for each other. They’re both fools. And yet, Kaveh is not sure it could’ve happened any other way. If Alhaitham confessed outright, would Kaveh ever give him a chance?

“This is real, Alhaitham,” Kaveh says. “All of it. We put on one hell of an act, but I don’t want to deny the truth anymore. Because… I’m in love with you, and I don’t want to lose you either.”

This is somehow cheesier than any script he’s ever read from. But Alhaitham’s face brightens, so radiant that Kaveh would do it all over again just to see a hint of that smile.

“And for the record, you are the densest man I’ve ever met,” Kaveh adds, because he can’t resist. “But I suggest we cancel tomorrow’s breakup. What do you think?”

In lieu of an answer, Alhaitham kisses him again. Just like their first kiss in the Razan Garden pavilion, they fit together neatly, perfectly. This time, Kaveh understands why.

Because this whole time, beneath the surface, it’s always been real.

Kaveh @officialkaveh

half a year with the idiot who said he doesn’t want to work with me <3 <3 <3 i love you

[Image]

@Alhaitham: Half a year, yet you’ve already cut my life expectancy in half.

    @officialkaveh: HUH?? i take it back

        @Alhaitham: I love you too.