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Rin took one deep breath and lowered himself in the cold bathtub.
Near freezing water swallowed him with ease, pouring chills down his spine. The heat in his veins subsided, but his heart was still throbbing angrily in his chest. He took another deep breath and drowned his head under the water. His heart angrily increased its beatings as time went by, but when he emerged from under the surface, it calmed down.
Rin loved cold baths. Freezing waters. It chased the burning heat of his wrath away. It gave his heart something else to go havoc for.
It felt. And that was enough.
He leaned his head on the cold porcelain. Sleep was peeking its head from around the corner. He can sleep here for a while. They had a guest bathroom downstairs. They wouldn't need this one unless for bathing.
And they definitely won't come looking for him.
He fell asleep, and woke up to banging on the door.
"Rin! Your brother needs to shower! Come out!" His mother's voice came.
"This is why I wanted to stay at a hotel. We're not children anymore" Another cold voice came. His brother's voice can be colder than any waters.
Yet, Rin's veins responded differently. He could feel his blood's heat burning his skin, his heart getting heavier and heavier. He moved his head back under the water, but the water was already lukewarm.
He got out, wore his clothes and directly went to his room.
He sat there on the bed. A zombie movie on his TV that was fazing in and out of his mind. His room was too big. It was meant for two after all.
And after he destroyed the trophy cupboard, It became even bigger. A space that mocked him. Laughed in his face even more when Sae took the guest room downstairs. He wouldn't have shared a room with him again even if it meant leavinf the house, but it was the fact that his mother wanted Sae to stay in this room and for Rin to take the guestroom. But Sae refused. Did he deign? Was it an act of generosity? No. Itoshi Sae only lives for himself. It was because Sae was disgusted with him. Even if he agreed to stay for only five days after their mother strong armed him with her tears, he still didn't want to endure Rin's presence.
From the first day, Rin refused to eat at the same table as Sae. He didn't say it out loud. He only passed by the dinning room as Sae was setting with his back towards him.
His mother stopped scoping the food. He didn't need to know what it was. It was Sae's favourite. And it will be all that Sae wishes to eat for the next few days, she looked between her sons. And continuied her task.
Was he surprised? No. He was sure of her choice from the beginning. From the very very beginning, even before that night.
'I am doing great! Sae is helping me so much with Rin. I don't know what I'd have done without him' She smiled to a friend. Rin held on tighter to Sae's hand. He was four, but soon he'll know how much his mother favours his brother.
'No! We'll not have another child!' his parents were fighting.
He was ten. He shouldn't eavesdrop, but he wanted to know if he was getting another brother or not. He didn't want one. He was glad his mother didn't agree.
"Last time, I was lucky Sae took Rin off my hands when YOU DIDN'T! Sae is now leaving! I AM NOT GOING THROUGH THAT AGAIN AND ALONE'
He could almost hear his mother's screams through her eyes. So, He just went upstairs.
The second day he planned to spend his day and night in his room. Replaying some football matches from the NEL to prepare for the upcoming challenges in BlueLock after this dreadful break ends.
It was as stupid as pouring oil on fire.
His mind went down a spiral he couldn't stop.
Did Sae watch his games ? He must have watched some of the leagues games. It was the most talked about recent football event. Noel Noa and Loki and more were there.
What did he think of him?
Pathetic
No, He got better.
He didn't even look your way
The whole world admired his talent
The whole world had eyes on Isagi
He decided to do what he did when the space in his room became too suffocating. He went out to train.
He trained in the empty old field. For how long, he didn't know. The sun was still glowing when he arrived and now it as dark as it can be.
He hit the ball. Scored a goal. Hit another. Scored another. And another and another. Collect the balls. Repeat.
Repeat until his legs burnt and his lungs almost burst.
Yet, It felt good.
And nothing stays good in his life. Of course Sae walks around the corner...with Isagi of all the people on this Earth. Isagi walking next to Sae with a smile as foul as his entire existence.
"Oh! Rin is here ! That's great! Now we can play two vs on..."
Rin didn't wait for him to finish. From the first syllabus out of his mouth, his skin started etching and he began his trip back home.
The third day, Here he was, out of the cold bath and in a room he used to love, watching a movie he used to love, ignoring a brother he used to love.. No. He still loves Sae..
He grabbed his head in anger. Tried to will himself out of this pathetic well. He fell nonetheless, and started sobbing on his bed.
The fourth day, He became scared. He couldn't get out of bed. Not for food, Not for training, not even to go to the bathroom until his bladder swelled in pain.
Pathetic
Lukewarm
Eyesore
They all would be happy if you weren't here
Shivers went down his spine. His chest was heavy. So so heavy. Mere breathing was a grotesque burden.
He wished something ended that ....
Sleep. Yeah. He should just sleep.
Three hours. Three hours still on bed and not even the slightest hint of merciful sleep was touching him.
He remembered something. Something he shouldn't have known in the first place, but many things that shouldn't have crossed his way arr torturing him nowadays.So, at least one of them should help him.
His mother's sleeping bills. In her nightstand.
He snuck in his parents bedroom while the happy family was having dinner downstrairs without him.
He found the bottle hidden deep in the drawer. He took two and slipped back to him room.
The fifth day came without his knowledge. He was deep in slumber when his mother came into his room concerned for once, or so he thought,
"Rin! Rin wake up! I have great news for you!" His mother shook him slightly.
Some part of him hoped that she would notice how tired he was, how unnatural he must have looked.
Good news ? What good news ? His brain failed to think of anything that could make him happy today.
Ah, Looks like sleep failed him.
"What is it, Mom?"
"Sae said that Real Madrid is considering taking a member of Blue Lock! Isn't that great? You have a chance to play with your brother again!"
Yes, That was good news, Theoretically speaking.
He slowly got up. Dear God, It felt as if gravity doubled in his sleep. His mom eyed him for a second. If she noticed anything, Then she opted not to say anything.
"Come have breakfast with us. It's the last day he's here. It won't kill you" She smiled as she shut the door on him.
Maybe it won't.
It went as he expected, had he cared to expect anything.
Silence
Silent sharp enough to cut his hope to shreds.
His dad made some small talks about the weather here and in Spain, his mom made some about the food.
Rin spaced out. He swallowed his food sluggishly. He accompanied every bite with his last remaining hope.
I could still turn this around.
As if his mother heard his thoughts, she began "And this time, Your brother might be with you in Spain!"
"The Itoshi Duo. Would sound great in newspapers" his dad added happily.
If he was himself today he would have hissed in both anger and embarrassment.
He lifted his eyes in caution towards Sae.
His brother's unchanged expression was again , for the uncountable time, the ignitor of his disappointment.
"Not likely. Their choice will probably be Isagi Yoichi" Sae's monotonic voice traveled to Rin's heart and sank it.
"Oh, Come on. That boy isn't better than Rin. And besides, Your opinion must matter to them. You're their star midfielder!" His dad pointed his chopsticks towards Sae.
Sae again didn't even bother to lift his eyes from his still full plate of food,
"I too am choosing Isagi"
It didn't hurt as much as he thought it would.
He continued eating, got up, took a shower, stole the bottle of sleep pills, and went to sleep.
How did he come up with the plan ? He doesn't know. He doesn't remember working the details in his mind. It flew as easy as kicking the ball with nothing to stop him.
He had nothing to stop him
The thought of what's to come after faintly trotted his mind. Anything would be better.
His parents didn't raise him religious, but he believed in God. He didn't know whether it would make God angry or not, but he would understand, right ?
And if he wanted to stop him. He would.
He waited for his parents and brother to leave.
Today was Sae's trip to Spain. Sae would leave and tell them not to bother driving him to the airport. It was too much a hassle.
His mother would want to occupy herself with something, she would go shopping.
His father would accompany her as the loving husband he is.
He would be left alone. Forgotten. Hopefully, always forgotten. He doesn't want to hurt them. He's not doing this out of vengeance. He just wants to rest.
He ran a cold bath for himself. As the tub was being filled. He took his phone and wrote Sae a message. He should be on the plane now with his phone turned off. His brother adhered to the instruction. Not out of obligation, but out of peace of mind.
Funny, How much he can still remember about Sae in his numb mind.
He smiled and began writing what heart told him,
'Niichan, I am ending my life today. I am not writing this to make you feel guilty. Yes, What you did to me is what lead to this, but I will not hold a grudge anymore. I am tired. So very tired. Tired of hating you. Tired of chasing you with no avail. I just wanted to say that, I love you. It may sound ridiculous, but I really do. I wanted to play football with you. I don't know why you said what you said that night. I hated you for it, I hated football, and I hated our parents for always putting you first, but I want to go as the person I was before that night. Someone who loved football because it was something he loved sharing with his brother.
Someone who loves his family.
I do.
I truly do love you.
I hope you become the best, whether it's as a striker or a midfielder. I hope you find in Isagi the brother and striker you hoped for.
Goodbye, Niichan'
He sent the message and turned off his phone.
Rin swallowed the whole bottle of pills without counting, lowered himself, still fully clothed, in his calming cold bath, and went to sleep.
Sae read the message once and twice. The third time, his hands were shaking too much for him to see the screen carefully. Because by that time, reality dawned on him.
He got up from the airport's restaurant where he and his manager went after their plane got delayed, and ran as fast he can.
Perhaps his manager yelled after him. Perhaps some of the dozen people he ran into and pushed out of his way cursed at him. He didn't care.
He dropped his phone in his hurry to call his brother and picked it up. Thankfully, unbroken.
Rin's phone was turned off.
His mom didn't pick up.
He jumped into a cab and all but screamed the address to the driver, shutting him up with "I will give you any amount of money you want but get me there as fast as possible!"
Finally, his dad picked up. Saying the words "Rin is planning to kill himself. GO TO THE HOUSE NOW!" Made his heart skip afew beats. If Rin died today, He's pretty sure his own heart will stop forever.
It was his fault.
It was no one else's fault but his.
He cancelled on his manager and called the police. Only to realise another disaster. The roads were blocked ahead. Something horrible happened to a building perhaps he would have sympathised with on another day.
Sae threw all the cash he had to the cab driver and started running the remaining distance to his brother.
He ran and ran. Even as his lungs burned more than ever. Even as he felt cramps clamping his legs. Even as he coughed and felt dizzy. He continued running.
He didn't expect to have much power left in him to break not only the front door, but also the bathroom's door, but he did. Fear does give one insane abilities.
He slipped on the wet floor as he forced his way in.
Putting his hand on the cold porcelain of the bathtub, he got up and looked down.
Here he was.
Rin.
Under the water.
Sleeping.
Dead
"RIN"
He lifted his brother from under the cold water. He was heavy and still as a statue, his clothes trailing the cold waters behind him as if it wanted to swallow him whole again.
Sae sat on the floor with Rin's body in his arms. His eyes frantically looking at every inch of Rin's body.
Rin wasn't breathing.
"No..Please..Please No" Sae shook with terror as he lowered his brother to the floor.
What do I do ..
What do I do
What do I do
What do I do
What do I do
His brain moved through the memories of medics handling injuries on the football field, scenes of movies , a rescue he saw on Madrid's beaches on one of his vacations, and finally a video on CPR he saw for a reason he can't remember.
He just started pushing on his brother's chest as hard as he could. His rhythm was off, but the sight of some waters leaving Rin's mouth encouraged him to continue. He breathed into Rin's mouth while he held his nose shut and continuied pushing on his chest.
Nothing happened
He didn't stop
"Please,..." Sae was getting even more out of breath.
He doesn't know how much time passed, but the pain in his shoulders and the dryness of his throat could tell him it was enough time to lose hope
"Please.. God..please"
Sae's vision blurred with tears. His movements up and down send them trailing down his face and on Rin’s chest.
"Come on, Rin! You can't do this to me!" Sae screamed, his voice scratching his already dry throat, he went to give his brother another breath and almost choked on his own sobs,
"I am sorry. I am so sorry. Please, Just..."
One more chance. Just one more chance.
He rested his head on Rin’s chest as his vision began darkening, yet he kept slamming his hand on his heart as hard as his failing body could.
"Come on. God, Please. COME ON! RIN! GET BACK TO ME!"
Rin's body twitched, Sae almost believed it was his imagination or it was due to his own slamming, but then the little bastard coughed.
"Rin! Rin can you hear me?" He quickly gathered him in his arms to lift him up. Rin slumped against his chest, back to his lifeless state, but Sae knew he got his little brother back. He rested one hand on Rin’s chest and barely felt a heartbeat, he didn't know what to do now. Should he continue CPR ?
"Rin! Rin, Stay with me. Stay with me please and I promise I will fix everything" That's all he could do now. A pathetic belated promise from an idiot. He prayed it would be enough.
"Rin. I love you. You hear me? I swear, I do" Sae whispered.
"RIN! " His father's voice came from downstairs.
"Here! The bathroom!" Sae tried to scream loudly, but it came out as a hoarse cry.
His father got there first and froze on spot, his mother ran into him and then pushed him to fall on her knees.
"He's still here" Sae was now aware his tears not stopping yet as they slipped into his mouth.
The emergency medics got there half a minute later, before his parents could even register what happened, Rin was taken away from their arms.
Rin floated in a comfortable darkness. It was cold, but pleasant.
Until some idiot started screaming, he started feeling some pain in his chest too. Was the fucker actually hitting him?! Where was he? Doesn't matter. He will fucking kill him.
'Rin....you..d...this..to..'
Sae?
'I am sorry'
Niichan ?
Was he crying?
Was he ok?
'Come back to me'
He almost woke up, but another darkness started to take over him.
'I love you. I swear, I do'
What a nice dream.
'Rin! Rin, Stay with me. Stay with me please and I promise I will fix everything'
It's been long since he had such a nice dream.
Rin woke up to a horrible nightmare. He was in a sickeningly white room. Multiple tubes invading his body, a body so stiff and numb it didn't feel like his own. Many doctors came and left, asking him questions. He answered them honestly. Yes, he swallowed the whole bottle of sleeping pills. Yes, He was trying to commit suicide. He didn't find it in himself to lie.
They listed his injuries to him. It will take him about 3 months to fully recover. His heart stopped and his brother managed to bring him back...That was the only thing to light a wire in his apathetic brain.
His parents welcomed him with hysterical tears,
"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!" His mother screamed through neurotic breaths, "WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?"
His father grabbed her and forced her away from the room.
All the while Rin just stared at her.
Only after the room calmed down did he notice the head on pinkish hair sitting on a chair in the corner, his head hanging down as he toyed with the bracelets on his wrist.
They both sat there in silence for a good while, both staring at the window. It had a good view over some trees in a small garden that seems planted out of obligation.
"That was stupid of you" Sae started.
Rin didn't reply.
He shifted his eyes towards Sae when he heard a deep breath, Sae wiped his face with his hands. He looked horrible. His hair was in every direction, his clothes wrinkled, his eyes highlighted by darkness all around and redness inside.
"I am sorry. I don't know what to say"
Well, That was unexpected.
But this time, Rin didn't allow himself to feel hope. He can't imagine breaking into more pieces than he already is, but he should never underestimate his brother's abilities.
Sae's eyes looked at him for a minute before he got up and walked to his bed. Closer now, Rin is almost mesmerised by the mess of his brother.
"I am sorry, Rin. I was an idiot. I took things too far."
"Too far ? " Rin lethargically asked, "Was there a right distance to hate me to ?"
Sae teared his eyes away from his younger brother. Rin expected him to leave.
On the counter, Sae sat down on the small space that Rin left on his bed. The proximity was predictably nostalgic, but the look in Sae's eyes was something new.
"I have never hated you, Rin. I don't think I can even if I wanted to"
Rin's heart started beating louder.
"I was just trying to push you to become a better striker."
Rin almost laughed, "What a stupid lie"
"I am not lying, Rin. I swear I love you"
The voice that delivered those words seemed eerily familiar. His mind suddenly brought to him a memory from a dream,
"Ha, And you still promise to fix everything?"
Sae's eyes widened, a lightness washed over his tired face, "Yes, Yes, I do"
Rin could feel some distant part of heart lighten up. It was easier to breathe, and yet,
"I thought I would feel happier when you finally said this" Rin smiled at the irony, "Too late, Niichan. Even you can't fix this" He waved at himself, "This is just an added shame to the list"
Sae's hand topped his, "You'll get better, Rin. I caused most of it, Right? I will fix it. And the other parts, You're ill. They diagnosed you with depression. You will get treated and will heal"
Rin snorted and shook his head, "Don't say things you know nothing about"
"I know enough" Sae smiled. A small twitch of the mouth, painted with sorrow and lined with pity. Sae's eyes travelled away to the tree, the looked glassy in the day light. Maybe his pinkish color was adding more red shade to his eyes..
Sae stole a look at his perplexed brother and sighed, "It runs in the family, like long eyelashes." He laughed sarcastically, "Mom had her share, I had a different cut, and now you"
Rin stared at the peach tree outside. He could feel Sae run a thumb on his hand. His mind was too shattered to gather up all the questions he wanted to ask, so he gathered his courage to ask just one, "What happened ?"
"It's a long story, I'll tell it to you later, but for now, You have to trust me. Treatments work, and I will be here with you"
Rin took his hands from under his brother's, "Until you travel back to Spain and I won't hear from you again" was that a bitterness to his voice ? Surprisingly, it tastes good.
Sae's hand snatched his back, like a child restealing a toy, "I am taking a season off to stay here with you. After that, You can come live with me in Spain if you want."
What an offer. Maybe he should give it a thought.
...
Rin stood infront of the open bathroom, staring at the bathtub.
He leaned on the wall for support after his legs protested not changing their position for so long.
"Rin, Mom is asking what do you want for lun.." Sae stopped, and then walked carefully towards Rin.
He noticed the cautious steps, It annoyed him.
"I don't know." He turned towards his older brother.
Sae leaned on the wall next to Rin. He eyed the bathroom, mimicking his brother, "Are you ok?"
It says a lot that Sae asks that. Many of which makes Rin feel guilty,
"Yes" He looked down at his brother.
Sae raised a judgemental eyebrow at him.
Rin sighed in defeat, "I haven't taken a bath in a year"
"Gross" Sae shot
"I was taking showers!" Rin pushed his shoulder.
They stood in silence gazing at the bathtub.
"You don't have to take baths"
"I have been avoiding ice baths after games and I have been getting cramps afterwards. Besides, I want to"
"Why"
"I just.."Rin tried to form his feelings into words his older brother can comprehend.
"It's the one thing left to do that will make it ...that will make me feel like I have my normal daily life back"
Sae hummed, "Maybe it's not good to go back to our normal"
He didn't get it, He misunderstood. Rin tried again," No, It's not about me going back to the mentality of those day. It's about doing something I am...scared to do. Like the final boss of a video game"
Sae seemed to shew on those words, and not actually getting anywhere, "If you're scared of this particular one," He pointed at the bathtub, "How about you delay it until you move to Madrid with me?"
He still didn't get it. Rin gave up. Not out of desperation. It simply didn't bother him that much.
In that last year, he came to understand that as similar as some parts of them , as different as some other parts of them are.
More importantly, "I still haven't made up my mind about moving to Spain, Niichan."
Sae hummed, "I was going to tell you the news at lunch, but maybe now is a better time"
"What news?"
Sae leaned in closer, "Real Madrid is looking for a junior member again"
He streched his arm to put it around Rin. Rin smiled at the thought of it looking ridiculous due to the few inches he has on his brother
"I recommended you" Sae said
Rin blinked, he tried to ignore the bouncing of his heart, "Because you think I am better than Isagi ?"
Real Madrid chose Nagi last year. Isagi went to Bastard Munchen, and Shidou to PXG, and if it weren't for Rin's "accident" -as the media was told- Barcelona and PXG would have fought over him.
Now, Isagi had a wish to go to Real Madrid. He knows that from the many chats the leeche keeps initiating. From visiting him in the hospital to actually keeping in touch after getting busy in Germany. Isagi was a good friend. He hates to admit that.
"No."
Rin snorted at the bluntness.
"I think you have almost equal potentials, but in different ways" Sae added,
Almost equal..So, Isagi is still better
"Then, Why did you chose me? Pitiness ?" Rin felt his shoulder itch to remove Sae's hand.
Sae's hand did leave him. So he can turned to him, "Fuck,No"
"I am the playmaker of the team. I get to choose the striker who I know I will synchronise better with. And that's you" Sae explained with distain as if it was a stupidest question in the world.
"And besides, It will be more fun with you" He leaned back on the wall.
And there it was.
Sae's form of love he spent a year trying to understand.
It took them many more fights to get back to this door. Some therapy sessions. Some crying and some laughter.
Rin wants compliements. Sae never sugercoats his opinions. Rin learned it had nothing to do with how much his brother loves him.
They both fire cruel words when stressed, but Rin takes it more to the heart. So, Sae learned to apologise first and as fast as he could. One time, A text message that only carried the word "Sorry" was what saved Rin from breaking his entire room again.
Sae wasn't the unbreakable dam Rin thought him to be.
They all had their broken pieces to hold. He still hasn't found out away to help Sae with his episodes of anorexia, but he has plans to keep a closer eye on him when they get to Madrid.
His mother entrusted that to him in one of their long nights talks, Long nights where he found her crying alone in the dark kitchen, blaming herself. She told him about her postpartum depression. He felt sorry for her. She was even more broken than him.
Complete understanding? No. It will never happen.
But they now know the road to meet eachother half way to happiness.
"I will take a bath and think about it" Rin stepped into the bathroom.
"Think about it? It doesn't get better than Real Madrid, Moron" Sae snorted
"Yeah, but their centre midfielder is an insufferable asshole. It's a deal breaker" Rin smirked.
"Say no and I will tell everyone you haven't bathed in a year"
"I stand uncorrected"
"Hey, Can you leave the door unlocked?" Sae asked, Rin supposes he will never truly get rid of their worry. It's bittersweet.
"Alright, but you'll tell mom what you want to eat for lunch" Rin fixed him with a knowing look.
Sae blinked before sighing, "Alright. Go. You stink"
Rin shut the door in his face.
After having a hot bath, he went down to have lunch with his family and tell them about his new team.