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Mikey can’t always believe that this is his life. He feels like he’s had so many second chances, so many people in his corner, on his side, when he couldn’t do that for himself.
It’s not all that long, really, since he nearly detonated everything, fell back down the hole of addiction and stupid choices, ended up with no band, no wife, pissing so much of the money he’d made up a wall. It’s frightening, when he thinks about it too hard. He is so fucking grateful that people still cared about him enough to pull him back up, make him go where he needed to to get his life back, to introduce him to Kristin, to…
He’s so fucking lucky, he’s solidly sober, has the best family, has his band back, has everything he never thought he’d be allowed to hope for, and it’s amazing.
If only he didn’t have to hear everyone’s sex noises all the time during Destroya.
Like, he’s pretty much used to Frank’s sex noises. Frank was not fucking subtle back in the days when they shared an apartment, and Mikey’s totally one hundred percent trained not to even start letting Frank know that the sex noises could even possibly, slightly be something that might bother him. So, like, Mikey’s learned to filter out Frankie’s noises. But then there’s Ray and there’s Gerard and Ray is supposed to be the solid, reliable, music-obsessed one, like, obviously Ray’s got kids, but fucking no it was immaculate conception and Christa is obviously a saint or some shit, and Gerard. And. No. Mikey has got quite enough saved up bad images in his head back from the days when everyone was fucked up and making shitty choices, and Gerard is his brother and No. Not any more. Stop.
All he can do is face Jarrod and try and ignore everything. Jarrod is his permanent safe place during these trying times. Even if he’s a little afraid that if he makes eye contact, Jarrod will start too
Mikey tries to talk to Kristin about it, and she is very supportive, obviously, she is wonderful, but she is also very busy, with the homeschooling and the brand deals and everything and Mikey really wants to help so he gets distracted trying to find out how it all works, and he’s not sure that he really understands, but the sleeping bag people sent quite a lot of money and the power washer people keep emailing to try and set up another partnership or something and he’s pretty sure that no one saw that the protein bars tasted like ass to him. Mikey knows he doesn’t like things that lots of other people like a lot, refried beans are incomprehensibly popular. Gerard has opinions about how much Mikey uses Instagram, but it’s a great additional revenue stream for his family and they get boxes and boxes of shit sent to the house and it’s like Christmas all the time.
It’s useful that Pete’s still an insomniac, it means that Mikey’s always got someone to call when he’s touring in Europe and everyone else he knows is asleep, and Pete’s always kind of understood when Mikey’s feeling squirrelly about something but when he tries to talk about the distressing sex noises, Pete only ever says “That’s rough, buddy.” and Mikey's never entirely sure if that’s a sign of Pete being appropriately supportive or if he's really just thinking about how he can make Patrick do the same thing.
Mikey should use his words he knows… Pete’s very big on using your words, and Mikey’s done enough therapy to understand the point of that, and if Mikey did use his words then he'd know if it’s supportive, but... well... Pete might also be allegorical at him and then there would be sex noises from inappropriate people and complicated imagery and there's only so much he can deal with at one time, honestly.
Especially as this new coffee he's repping for doesn't have nearly enough caffeine and everyone laughs at him if he caves and drinks Starbucks. He can’t sleep and there’s only so much, like, volume he can consume at one time so he’s either exhausted or the surrounded by people laughing at him all the time.
He doesn’t need to encourage any one else laughing at him. He already knows that Gabe Saporta is laughing every time Mikey complains (or when he thinks about complaining, because he doesn’t actually want to encourage anyone to make any more of the sex noises), because Gabe is weirdly psychic about such things, and also an enormous asshole who thinks sex noises are peak hilarity.
Gabe is wrong and Mikey is totally going to kick him in the shin the next time he sees him.
He is so fucking glad that they’re mixing up the set list at every show, it’s fun going back and remembering all the songs, and he’s pretty sure he would have broken by now if he’d had to listen to the sex noises every single time he went on stage.
Ray seems strangely fixated on sound-checking it though, and that’s bad enough.
They’re in, urm, Spain, maybe? It’s hot, and he thinks he hears people speaking Spanish, but sometimes he mixes that up with Italian, because all the languages sound different in Europe than back home. Either way it’s too hot, and the bed’s too hard, and Mikey can’t sleep, and his brain is doing a bandmate Destroya sex noises megamix and all he needs is some peace and no one is helpful or awake, or whatever and…. He calls Pete again.
“Are you with Hurley?”
”Hi, Mikey Way. Am I not good enough for you anymore?” Pete asks, sounding more amused than maybe hurt, which is always a possibility with Pete.
“I need to learn how to be zen.” Says Mikey.
”Yeah, okay, that’s a Hurley thing.” There’s the noise of a hand being put over the mouthpiece and a muffled shout of ”Hurley! MikeyWay needs some of your zen master power!”
It takes a while, but eventually Andy Hurley grabs the phone from Pete. By the sounds of things Pete was trying to wrestle for it, which was probably not one of his better ideas. Pete is a surprisingly strong fucker, but, like, Andy crossfit drummer Hurley is not a man to be trifled with.
“Hi Mikey.”
“Everyone keeps making Destroya sex noises, and Gerard’s taken to wearing skirts, which is fine, but, like they’re very short, and his pantyhose are very sheer, and I don’t want to see, and Ray’s shirt’s almost not there at all, and I can’t, and there’s not enough caffeine and I don’t mean to be ungrateful but I know Gabe is laughing and Pete just keeps telling me it’s rough, buddy and..” Mikey runs out of breath.
Mikey can hear Andy let out a huff of breath that almost sounds like a laugh, but he 100% cannot have someone else laughing at him, so he chooses to believe that it’s a zen master centering thing.
“That’s Pete’s newest supportive thing, I think he got it at family therapy. It helps if you know that it’s short for I hear, understand and empathise, and then just remember that’s it’s Pete.” Andy says.
“Oh.” That does make Mikey feel better.
“I don’t think you can do much about the noises now, they’re kind of core to the whole song, but you guys are doing a kind of random jukebox setlist anyway, so maybe you can start really advocating for songs that couldn’t be on the same setlist with it?” Andy suggests.
“Oh. Yeah. I could try that.” Mikey will need to really think about what those songs are, but that could work. And maybe he could start asking to soundcheck other songs at the time Ray usually suggests Dastroya. Andy is a genius.
Andy has started talking again “...cing caffeine is good for you, but if you’re struggling try having some matcha. You and Pete are obsessed with the Kitkat version so you’ll probably like the taste.”
“No one could laugh at me for having that, I’m not sponsored for any tea beverages.” Mikey says, Andy is a genius
“Uh. No… And the skirt, shirt, thing? I didn’t quite…”
“It’s fine, I think I just need to hide Ray’s shirt.” Mikey says thoughtfully
Mikey can’t just hide Ray’s shirt, even though he’s in genuine danger of seeing Ray’s nipples when he’s wearing it, but then Ray might just wear no shirt and that would be worse and…
maybe Mikey can buy him a new shirt. That might be safest. And everyone else, too, obviously so that they don’t think Mikey loves Ray better than them… Mikey knows better than apparently playing favorites.
Ray’s in pieces shirt is totally at the perfect worn softness, so any new shirt will have to be both super soft to begin with, and got in time for Mikey to get it laundered. Frank will need something with sleeves because he is prone to disasters and he needs to be careful with his fucked up wrists and Gerard will need An Outfit.
What fucking outfit, though? Mikey has literally seen Gerard wear all possible outfits, ever, and he keeps them all so what can Mikey get him. Maybe something to muffle the groaning... although that might not work for being on stage...Mikey’s life is so hard.
Eventually the stars align and he manages to call Kristin. Who is amazing. ”Is it Gee’s legs that are the problem, or is it...”
“It’s that he doesn’t think underwear goes with pantyhose.”
Kristin cough-laughs. ”I did not need to know that about my brother in law. But I think I have an idea.”
Mikey spends a lot of time learning how to delete his browser history and even more time learning about the very confusing world of Cheer costumes and spankies. He manages to find a full on vintage cheer costume in Gee’s size and, like, non-shiny spankies to go with it and Kristin is happy to have it all delivered to their house, she gets Krista to send some new shirts for Ray, too, so that they can pick them up when the tour gets to Nashville but that means that Mikey still doesn’t have anything to give Ray and Frank, and then it looks like Gee is his favorite, and he thinks that people probably think that’s true anyway so he has to get them something and… Mikey’s life is very, very hard.
Mikey’s sitting in the bus lounge, trying to work out what to do. They’re about six hours out of Nashville and he’s no closer to an answer when something hits him on the side of the head.
“Yo! Space Cadet! Earth to Mikey!” Frank shouts obnoxiously at him.
Mikey looks down to where a chip bag, folded into a tight triangle, has fallen onto the seat next to him. “Ow.” Mikey rubs his head.
“Frank, you know you’re not allowed to throw things at people any more.” Says Ray.
“Pppft. I didn’t hurt him. He hurt me, by ignoring me when I was telling him the nice thing we’re doing for him.” Frank sticks his tongue out at Ray
“When you were checking that he also thinks it’s a nice thing and not creepy as fuck.” Says Ray.
“Potato, po-tah-to. Mikey, we’re all going to wear Mikey Fucking Way shirts at the show tonight.”
“Even Gee?” Mikey is confused, Gerard’s outfits have been getting more and more outfit-ish as the shows have gone on.
Frank makes a face. “He wants to do something for you for your new hometown show, so….”
“So he hates it because it’s not what he’s been doing, but he’ll do it anyway?” Mikey really fucking loves his band, and he knows that this is a band thing, not a brother thing for Gerard.
“Uhh, Kristin and I might have an outfit for hi…”
Frank claps his hand over Mikey’s mouth. “Nope! I do not want to hear about your kinky sex life Mikey Way, no, nope, no way, no.”
Mikey does, eventually, persuade Frankie that the cheerleader costume isn’t anything to do with his and Kristin’s sex life, but only by sharing the messages they’d sent each other to work out the logistics, and that’s… well. It would have been really fucking embarrassing except the embarrassment is totally overshadowed, because Mikey’s found an ally.
He’s never complained about Frank’s nakedness or sex noises or anything in his messages with Kristin, because all that work he did blocking everything out when they were room mates meant that Frank’s noises were the least of Mikey’s problems, so Frank doesn’t know that Mikey’s existential crises were about Frankie’s Destroya noises too, Frankie thinks it’s him and Mikey against a world that conspires to have Gerard and Ray make disturbing noises and show too much flesh.
It is amazing. They are the best team, and Gerard fucking loves the spankies, too, and orders them in about 500 hundred different colors.
He does still need to find a present for Frank and Ray though.