Work Text:
Niles flicked the kitchen light on as he reached the bottom of the stairs. He’d finished packing, stuffing as many of his possessions as he could into the bag Fran had let him borrow. He would just have to send on for anything he missed once he found somewhere to settle. If he ever did. If he could bear the thought of reaching back out to the Sheffields.
Sleep seemed intent on evading him. He had sat on the bed for hours - unable to bring himself to change into his night clothes. The closest he’d managed to get was removing his jacket, loosening his tie, opening his top button and rolling up his sleeves. Every time he tried to lie down he bolted back upright, as though the mattress would scald him. Eventually, he had decided to take one last tour around the mansion that had been his home for the last two decades. There was a feeling that sat in the pit of his stomach, like the excitement of waiting for Christmas morning, but wrong. A joyous feeling turned dark. Not quite dread, but not a million miles away from it either. One last splash of Mr Sheffiled’s good scotch would fix that - and if it didn’t at least he could commit the taste of good alcohol to memory forever. He had no idea when he’d be in a position to try something that expensive again, if ever.
His mind couldn’t help but wander back to earlier that evening. His last words to CC on the stairs hadn’t even left his lips before his anger had begun to dissipate, replaced with shame and regret. If he were truly honest with himself, it was never anger to begin with. Pure frustration, born from years of pent up feelings that only one of them was dealing with. Surely it hadn’t been an entirely one-sided infatuation? They had been in such a good place recently; he’d allowed more and more of his affection for her to slip through when throwing his insults and zingers. He thought she’d been doing the same. He thought at least they might be, well not friends exactly, but something. Not quite friends, but somehow more.
And he might have even settled for that. But instead, he just had to open his big fat mouth and express his feelings to her. No - his brain had bypassed that part all together and gone straight to a marriage proposal. Although, as ill-timed and sudden as it was, once the words were out of his mouth, he realised there was nothing else in the world he wanted more than to marry her. Nothing and no-one else would do any more. He had seen heaven - he could not go back to pretending it didn’t exist or settling for anything less.
And now she was gone.
A soft thump of something bumping into the back door brought him out of his brooding. He looked at the door. They don’t get many animals out this way and certainly none that would get close to the actual building. A voice in the back of his mind argued that this was no longer his problem to deal with; that he would be leaving this place forever in a few short hours. However, he couldn’t deny his curiosity. He cautiously made his way to the door, gripped the handle and turned.
Edging it open painfully slowly, he peeked outside. At first glance, there was nothing to see in the pitch black of 2am. Then he heard it - soft gasping, hyperventilating sobs. He looked down and saw CC on the ground propped against the door frame, eyes screwed shut and hand clawing at her chest like if she could just break it open she’d be able to breathe again.
“Dammit Babcock” he muttered as he rushed out and crouched in front of her. Looking back at this moment later on, he was surprised to realise that there was not a single part of him that even considered closing the door and walking away. In the moment, he tried not to think about the fact that this wasn’t the first time he’d seen her like this, or done this for her, but it was the first time outside of a medical facility.
Careful not to startle her, he put his hands on either side of her face.
“Listen to me, CC. It’s a panic attack. I need you to breathe for me okay. Just breathe”
CC just shook her head, tears streaming down her cheeks. “Can’t… can’t breathe… I can’t…”
“Yes you can. You are CC Babcock. Deep breath in,” he breathed in to demonstrate, held it, then let go. “And out. Okay? Just like that.”
She tried a shaky couple of breaths but it was still too shallow.
“Come on Babs. I’m here. I’ve got you. It’s okay.” Niles cursed his weak soul for aching for her in that moment. Not hours ago, this woman had ripped his heart out and crushed it under her $500 designer heel, and in front of an audience to boot.
Just because a person destroys you doesn’t mean you stop loving them.
CC’s hands had found his forearms and she now had them in a vice grip; as though they were the only thing keeping her from drowning. Eventually, her breathing evened out, her grip on him lessened, and her eyes opened . They sat in silence for a few long minutes until Niles finally rose, bringing her with him. Neither said a word while he led her inside, sat her at the kitchen table, and fetched them both a scotch.
CC kept her eyes fixed on the table, then the glass of amber liquid Niles placed in front of her. She didn’t even look up when he silently took his place in the chair next to her, choosing instead to swirl the liquid in the glass. The thought of drinking anything at that moment turned her stomach, but somehow just having the glass in her hand made her feel better. More anchored to reality.
Niles watched her out of the corner of his eye. He didn’t want to stare, to put her under any pressure to do or say anything before she was ready, lest she panic and bolt. If this was his last chance to be near his beloved, then he was going to draw it out as long as possible, committing every single detail to memory.
Better to remember a silent drink in the Sheffield kitchen at 2am than seeing her at the bottom of the stairs, after the most brutal exchange of their entire relationship, knowing he couldn’t take back the words he’d just thrown at her.
CC was the first to break the silence. “I came to leave this on Maxwell’s desk. I didn’t want to face him again and have him try and talk me out of it. Or have Nanny Fine try and….” the sentence died on her lips as she pulled an envelope out of her coat pocket and set it on the table. Niles looked at it, then at CC, and back to the envelope, all the while saying nothing. “I went to open the door, and I just… the thought of never coming back to this place hit me, and before I knew it I couldn’t breathe.”
They passed a few more minutes in silence before she spoke again. “I thought you were kidding.”
That caught Niles attention. He looked up at her, but remained silent. She continued.
“I’m still not sure you’re not - you weren’t - whatever. I mean… we just….why?” She looked up and for the first time since their fight on the stairs, they made eye contact. Her heart caught in her throat at the sight of him - his eyes red and bloodshot from tears, matching her own - and she bit back the urge to sob.
Niles held his breath. He feared that if he tried to speak at this point he would throw up or say something that would irreversibly break the fragile olive branch he was being offered.
“Please Niles. Please just… tell me this was a joke.”
He clenched his jaw until the urge to scream passed. Finally, he managed to croak out, “Why?”
“Because if this was a joke,” she said slowly, carefully, never breaking eye contact, “then we can go back to how it was. We can pretend this never happened. Can’t we? We’ll throw our insults and you can stay, and I can stay, and I won’t lo-”. The word caught in her throat. She swallowed hard and tried again. “And I won’t lose this.”
Niles heart ached for her. And for a moment, he truly honestly considered lying to her. Taking it back. Telling her it was all a joke that got out of hand. They could go back. He would make that sacrifice, just to keep her near.
But the moment passed and he knew they were well beyond that point. He was no longer capable of hiding his feelings behind insults and jibes - the afterparty where his first proposal had slipped out had already proven that.
Besides, taking things back was a Sheffield thing and, for better or worse, he was not a Sheffield.
“No.” His voice was still rough and it came out harsher than he intended. He looked away, cleared his throat and tried again. “What I mean is, I can’t. Like it or not, the barn doors are open and the horse has well and truly bolted.” He attempted a chuckle but it came out sounding so very bitter. He sighed, and looked back up at her determinedly. “I won’t lie to you. And I won’t take it back.”
CC’s eyes had gone back to her untouched drink. “20 years Niles. Two whole decades. We were fine. We had a rhythm going. I thought…. Wasn’t it enough?” She looked back up, her eyes filling with tears. “Why did you propose? Why ruin it?”
“I didn’t mean-” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “It just slipped out. And then kept slipping out when I tried to explain. What I wanted to say was that I -” he stopped. His frustration at the situation had almost gotten the better of him, and he had been about to say that he loved her, that he’d always loved her and always would, and yet more declarations until she understood just how far the depths of his love for her went. But he had just lamented his own accidental overeagerness. Pull it back, Old Man. She already looks like a deer in headlights. Choose your words carefully. “I was trying to say that I have feelings for you, Miss Babcock.”
She laughed. Not a ‘that was funny’ kind of laugh. It was a short bubble of sound, hysterical and disbelieving. “No you don’t.” She said it so matter of factly, she may as well have said the sky is blue, water is wet, or fire burns.
A horrendous thousand piece jigsaw suddenly fell into ugly place in Niles mind. She believes that. She honestly can’t see it. He could have laughed, or cried or both.
Instead he just smiled sadly at her. “Of course I do,” he said gently. “Isn’t it obvious? What do I have to do, hit you over the head?”
“You mean again?” She snorted.
His heart swelled. It was the first relatively normal thing either of them had said to each other in days. “Okay, so I’ll admit my methods of conveying those feelings are… unconventional. But can you honestly tell me, in all of these years, you’ve never once even thought about it? Not when we kissed in the den years ago? Not when you would visit me every day in the hospital after the heart attack, or when I would do the same for you in The Place? Not when we ate those stupid cookies and for 3 days all that mattered in the world was the two of us? Not when you were trapped in that car over Hanukkah for eight hours, and the first thing I did when you got back was to run to the car to greet you? Hug you? And that’s just within the last 6 years. How many times have we been each other’s plus one? 20 years is a long time.” He kept his voice even and gentle. She needed to be presented with facts right now. Facts are undeniable, and she had been there for all of them. She couldn’t keep hiding from it.
“I’m still in love with Maxwell.” It was a weak lie and they both knew it.
“You flirt with him because he’s safe and to get under Fran’s skin. Mine too, I’d wager. Try again.”
She narrowed her eyes slightly at him. “We’re from two different classes,” she offered.
“So are Max and Fran, and they’re so happy it’s sickening.
“I’m not wife material you know.”
“Says who?”
“I can’t cook.”
“I can.”
“I won’t clean.”
“I will.”
“My mother will hate it.”
“And you hate your mother. Big deal.”
The smallest of smiles tugged at the corner of CC’s mouth. “We’ll probably kill each other before we make it down the aisle.”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” His smile became more hopeful, and he reached for her hand, relieved when she didn’t pull away. “Look Babcock, you’re not saying anything I haven’t already thought of. Believe me. I can’t even begin to argue I’m a good match for you. You’re a New York Heiress - I know how much the Babcocks are worth and what kind of power that name has in this country. But at the end of the day I can honestly say that I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life trading insults with you. Forever, from now until the end of time.”
CC felt the hot streak running down her face before she was aware she was crying. “You couldn’t have started with that?” She let out a watery laugh.
Niles reached over with his free hand and gently wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I’m afraid I don’t do well under pressure, my love”. It slipped out so naturally that he wasn’t even aware he said it until he saw her eyes widen. Crap, I blew it. He watched as she took a steadying breath. She picked up the envelope containing her resignation letter, and slowly crumpled it in her fist.
“Niles?”
“Yeah Babs?”
“Stay.”
He grinned, a smile so wide and full of joy that he felt as though his face would split. He lifted her hand to his lips and gently kissed it. “I can do that.”