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When in love, it is usually generally advised to tell the object of your affections of it. Communicate clearly, get a message across. Make the person understand you and make sure you understand them – aren’t these the solid, reliable rules of any relationship, romantic especially? This piece of advice was everywhere. The database, the stories, the instincts, the logic. Suder was sure that if he asked some of his colleagues, with whom he’d been assigned to do scientific work with after finally being allowed to, and mostly recovering from his injury after the Kazon attack (both physically and mentally), they would answer exactly the same. Not before raising suspicions and asking the awkward questions he’d rather avoid, of course.
However, it’s no surprise Suder can’t express his affections verbally. Nor any kinds of feelings, or lack of them. It’s all easier in Betazoid society, where you cannot actually hide your thoughts because of telepathy and empathy, another reason he never could fit in – anywhere, really. His actions speak for him instead of words and telepathic bond, and where people would normally use violent words, he used to use violent actions. So the obvious way, if he ever wanted to make romantic advances, is to rely on romantic actions instead of compliments and confessions. Of course, actions speak louder than words, that’s what everyone likes to say, except often, in non-telepathic societies, you first need to lay a foundation with words, make them outline the actions so that they would be more visible.
Suder wasn’t sure at what moment, exactly, these desires had appeared, whether it was after the investigation, trial and arrest, maybe they were a result of injury after the attack on Voyager, after the assault in the engineering section, or if these feelings have been lying dormant inside of him since the very moment he saw the Tuvok’s insistence on finding the truth, the real truth, the motive; on explaining it all; his unsatisfiable curiosity which couldn’t but evoke something similar in response. After the mind meld, he was quite overwhelmed by the new experiences, and sorting them out, giving them names, labelling them proved to be time-consuming and sometimes exhausting, but always interesting, refreshing, and almost exciting. And despite all the complications, Suder still wanted to let Tuvok know what this all meant to him, express gratitude and admiration, at least, in the way he as able to.
It all started out simple, somewhat cliché, maybe – proximity and occasional touches, slightly longer visual contact, anything that could’ve broken the ice, not between them, but rather in Suder himself. As an experiment, just to see if it’ll even work, if he’ll still want to proceed. Mental training and shared interest for floriculture helped as well – maybe they were the only source of help, as they were solid reasons for Tuvok to come often. Suder wasn’t sure what kind of answer, what kind of reaction he was expecting from Tuvok at any point. He never thought that far, and never actually considered what would happen if his affections were reciprocated. Tuvok’s behavior around Suder didn’t seem to change, either, he had always been unexplainably supportive, patient and polite to him, for whatever reason.
And for Tuvok, it took time to notice it. A surprisingly long while, actually, for someone as perceptive as him. One cannot blame him, though, considering his highly dangerous, demanding and time-consuming duty, combined with Suder’s rather subtle, perhaps even too subtle approach. So there’s, of course, no blame, no anger or irritation, and Suder simply waits, content with the current circumstances, ready to resign himself to them for an indefinite period of time, perhaps even taking things a few steps back, to the way they were long before the Kazon attack on Voyager – but never ceasing to anticipate a resolution.
In the end, his anticipation turns out to be not in vain.
Tuvok’s visiting schedule is rather inconsistent. Of course, they have certain strict appointments on mental training sessions, but Suder always hopes Tuvok will come in between them, too – just to check – on him or the flowers, to share with him the latest news on the ship, to explain why some of the Voyager’s systems went off-line today, who was firing at the ship just yesterday, or how did the away mission go. Suder usually listens to them with restricted interest, and sometimes times he regrets not being able to fully help on the ship, or going on an away mission, especially when Tuvok briefly mentions endangering his life.
And no sessions were scheduled for today, nothing out of the ordinary seemed to have happened either, yet his door chimes rather late in the evening, and he cannot help but feel his pulse accelerating as he says “come in”. When Tuvok enters the room, they quickly exchange greetings, too quickly, perhaps – Suder can almost sense his guest wants to talk about something else, as if he suddenly acquired his telepathic abilities. He is not wrong about the guest, though.
“Mr. Suder, I there is something I must discuss with you,” Tuvok takes a few steps across the room, glancing at the flowers briefly. “I have noticed your recent behavior and analyzed it. They are suggesting you display a higher level of affection towards me than you have previously seemed to. Have I interpreted your actions correctly?” Tuvok asks with no indication of his intentions, leaving no opportunity to anticipate his next action, his next move.
Vulcans, always precise, laconic, catching you off-guard, Suder thought, considering his further actions. Now, what would Tuvok say to him? It is illogical and counterproductive to hide this, to deny what has been done, regardless of the possible consequences. No matter what happens, Tuvok is an understanding man. It was substantially difficult for Suder to nod, but he did so in the end.
“In that case, there is something you must know. It would be more efficient to communicate this through a mind meld.” Tuvok says with his same neutral, almost indifferent manner as he approaches and raises his hands in a familiar gesture – for initiating the ritual. Suder cannot say he expected a normal conversation. Coincidentally, Tuvok is just like him, preferring other methods of sharing feelings over verbal communication – or maybe it’s only natural that two such people have found each other.
“Are you sure?” Suder doesn’t take a single step back.
“Your mental discipline has improved significantly, and I do not believe anything will go wrong. However, it it does, I do not doubt the Doctor’s medical expertise, or my own self-controlling abilities.”
Suder nodded, lowering his eyes. The slight shaking of his hands suggested that Tuvok might have overestimated his achievements in mental discipline.
Tuvok put his hands on the Suder’s face. In a too familiar way – one could say it has brought Suder to life once and not exaggerate. This time it may almost happen again. He looks into his eyes, hears him saying the words, and then a warm wave rushes through him.
It is a wave of relief, in general, he feels comforted, and as the initial feeling goes away, it is as if he raised his head above the water. It is all there. The stream, the ideas and hidden emotions, everything that needed to be expressed. Apologies, uncertainties, hopes, desires, words and images, sequences interrupted with vivid memories. Tuvok’s thoughts, pure, without all the formalities the verbal communication inevitably requires just pictures and words and music of his mind, the most beautiful sound Suder has ever heard. As if it’s taking form from the initial chaos and distortions, and the recognition comes quickly, and he sees his own silhouette in the notes and chords.
It is as if the mind is asking questions, and the answers are quickly to follow. And this process is getting faster, so much faster to the point there is no delay between the answer and the question, though this does not feel like a race, like a sound getting so frequent the intervals become indistinguishable, there is no sense of running, chasing, escaping, no exhausting excess or overflow, it is more like thousands of colors joining together to form the white in all the surrounding blackness, until finally there are no more questions or answers, there is only infinite and immediate knowledge and understanding. Suder can’t help but admit – Tuvok must see and know it now – that he was initially scared of what he might discover during the mind meld. From what he heard, rejection hurts, and he could only imagine how painful it will be to experience it within your own mind, what dilemmas it will repeatedly create in a matter of seconds. But it does not hurt, all the words and sounds and images and hopes and emotions; the past and the future compressed into a single point in the present, it is liberating, sensational, intimate, much more so than their first mind meld – it is also more complex, but not confusing or overwhelming, it is an exquisite pattern of everything, a labyrinth with intertwining paths one can, however, easily navigate. And it is all eternally warm, reassuring, and harmonious, creating internal peace with a simple array of sensations which clear up Tuvok’s views regarding him – if it were anyone else, one could call it “feelings”. It is all there now, with obstacles cleared, walls torn down, Suder sees and feels and hears it at once, everything forms a single coherent image – which he happens to see in front of him when the connection is terminated.
Suder may have been terrified of the pain of getting rejected through a mind meld, and thus prepare himself for this, but he couldn’t possibly prepare for the opposite outcome. He feels dizzy for a moment.
“Tuvok…” Suder whispers. He doesn’t need to say anything else, and neither does Tuvok. Everything there was to tell, they have just heard, saw, experienced. So they just stared at each other for a few moments, and Suder’s eyes seemed more captivating than ever. His eyes were always like this, though. One could call them empty, cold, emotionless, and there was a time when it would've been true. Tuvok, however, has learned to recognize the subtle eyelid movements and trembles, warm and soft, and now almost begging. And Tuvok already knew what was behind them, the expectations and desires. And even if there had been no mind meld, Tuvok could guess, and be correct.
Suder raises his trembling hand cautiously, still looking at Tuvok with uncertainty. The gesture is returned – and when their fingertips touch, he can swear it hits his metaphorical heart like a phaser discharge – sudden, hot, shaking, and so new – another person’s affectionate touch, let alone romantic, was something he never thought he’d experience, yet here he is, with his face leaning in, hoping for more, until finally they both close the distance burning and stinging the air between them, and finally kiss. Suder feels like he could create several bright stars with all the energy building up inside him.
There’s still a cautious stiffness and anxious hesitation in Suder’s movements, like a paralyzing toxin, it poisons the defenseless body, but cannot get close to his mind because he knows it all now, he’s seen it and the fear is unable to put up a fight, it can only retreat, hold its position, prevented from launching an offense for now – Suder knows this, knows the enemy between his temples will wait for the moment to strike again, but he also knows he has a powerful ally now, and the long-awaited physical contact feels undeniably good.
And they don’t know what lies ahead, one may never truly know this in a relationship and in space, let alone combined, but they saw possible outcomes, the hopes, the expectations and the fears, and in the room, between them and all around it, lingers the pattern they formed together, unique, sophisticated, only perceivable by them, shared and understandable without a single word.