Work Text:
Summer used to be Nagi’s least favorite season.
The weather is awful, hot and humid, Nagi is always a degree or two away from completely melting, withering away and wilting in the intense heat. Even in the comfort of his own small apartment, the air conditioning would stall and leave the air stagnant and suffocating.
August 15th, noon.
Reo’s birthday was a few days ago.
They’d celebrated it just the two of them, Reo sneaking away from whatever part his parents had planned for him in favor of sitting with Nagi in the very same park that they sit in now. From then on, Reo had proclaimed it their new place, and who is Nagi to refuse him? So though he doesn’t like how Reo drags him here in the morning to practice football some more, Nagi has always been weak to Reo’s pleas.
The Nagi from the past would’ve taken one look at the person he is now and not believed it. The Nagi from the past would’ve taken one look at the text Reo had sent him, telling him to meet him somewhere and just blown him off, not showing up and leaving Reo all on his own. Nagi Seishiro? Out on a hot summer's day to do what? Kick a football around? Sometimes he wonders if he’s losing his mind, if any of this is actually worth it.
But Reo smiles at him.
Reo smiles at him and Nagi decides that practicing is a pain but if Reo smiles at him like that then it’s worth it, the very image itself putting Nagi on cloud 9, like some kind of pavlovian reflex that makes him want to try harder, earn more praise, see that smile that’s meant just for him.
Summer used to be his least favorite season, but now what was once only memories of sweltering days filled with nothingness are now replaced by the sensation of wind in his hair as he rides on the back of a bicycle, Reo peddling them along, talking Nagi’s ear off about anything and everything until Nagi eventually falls asleep, awakened only by a gentle shaking upon arriving back to the apartment building.
Summer is his favorite time of year because it reminds him of some of his happiest memories with his love.
That said, practicing is still a pain. Reo has taken to having them both meet at the park for days afterward and even as Reo decides to call it a morning and allows him some respite, doesn’t complain as Nagi lays his head, damp with sweat, on his lap.
“You know, I don’t really like the summer all that much,” Reo says. He doesn’t pet Nagi’s hair, not when a cat leisurely strolls up to his partner, taking a seat right next to his leg and taking up all of Reo’s attention.
It’s not fair. Reo’s attention should be on him, but Nagi cuddles closer and Reo as per usual lets Nagi get away with it. Nagi feels a warmth enveloping him that is different from the hot air that surrounds them, it makes him hope that maybe Reo allows him all this for a reason other than friendship.
Either way, Nagi will take what he can get.
For a moment, everything is perfect.
And then that moment meets a premature end, bringing with it the beginning of a never ending torment.
It’s becoming harder and harder to keep track of everything. Days bleed together and entangle themselves in one another so much that they can’t be separated now, a series of events that has gone on for who knows how long. With the heat, with his mind a constant buzz, and of course, with Reo.
Reo and his beautiful smile, Reo and his radiant energy.
Reo and the way Nagi knows that in a matter of hours, his partner will be laying limp and broken beyond repair out on the road again, trying to reach out to him in his last moments as Nagi feels his heart rip itself apart as it has many times now.
Or perhaps today he’ll be impaled by some object, crushed by a steel girder, or even fall down a flight of stairs like he had that one time.
A “freak accident” the people around them will say and if it had happened only once then that would be true, but Nagi has bore witness to it on multiple occasions. Those nameless npcs who will watch like its all some kind of spectacle, callous and cold to Nagi’s suffering as he tries his hardest to hold onto Reo.
There is one certainty that has made itself clear across the however-many days Nagi has spent trapped in what he can only describe as his personal hell; Reo will die.
Somehow or someway, Nagi’s partner, the love of Nagi’s life, and Nagi himself have become subject to a seemingly endless cycle of despair and tragedy, its beginning and end marked by the inevitable death of Reo, only to repeat itself when Nagi wakes up again.
It doesn’t matter what he tries or how many times he tries it, Nagi can’t ever save him.
He’s tried.
Oh how he’s tried.
Efforts in vain, expenditures of energy on something that he so desperately wants to prevent. Nagi wakes up day after day hoping that things will be different.
He’s trying his absolute hardest and Nagi thinks, bitterly, that were he to work this hard for anything else, any other reason, Reo would probably be proud of him.
It’s all so disorienting. Like Nagi is living in a constant fog, like Nagi is aware of his surroundings but everything has been poorly generated, looking fake and unfocused. There are few people ever around. Reo and himself and the people who surround Nagi at the time of Reo’s demise, but otherwise, people pass by in the distance but it doesn’t feel real.
The passage of time and the heat from the summer sun as it blares down on the two of them, Nagi’s thoughts are becoming jumbled, his brain fried, and some days he can’t even bring himself to even try and stop it.
How does one stop destiny? Nagi has tried again and again to no avail.
For now, Nagi will rest his head on Reo’s lap, savoring the last few hours he’ll have with his partner before Reo will eventually tell him it’s time to go home. Or maybe today, the cat that sometimes appears will lead Reo to chase it out into the street, or, or, or…
Nagi doesn’t know anymore. He’s tired and sweaty, and the only thing he knows is that right now, the feeling of Reo’s hands in his hair is so nice, so sweet, making everything seem normal for once.
Today, Nagi is tired.
Today, Nagi won’t try and stall as Reo makes his way to the bike, won’t complain when Reo tells him to get on, won’t try and delay them any further by asking Reo to stop by a convenience store.
Nagi will watch the little white cat that trails beside them with suspicion, the way it looks back at him like it's enjoying Nagi’s suffering, always at the scene of the crime pretending to be harmless. Feeling the ever increasing discomfort brought on by the murder of crows that perch themselves high up on the telephone wires, watching them, Nagi wishes to hide away somewhere. But there is nowhere to run to, not now so instead, Nagi lays his head between Reo’s shoulder blades. There seems to be new crows everyday and Nagi doesn’t like that, because whereas before there were only two or three, there are so many now that they cause the wire to dip.
He hadn’t noticed it the first few times, but now just looking at them makes Nagi nauseated, a physical reminder of how many times he’s been through all of this.
Even so, there’s too many to count.
Today, like yesterday and the day before, Nagi will watch Reo die.
Won't fight it, can’t fight it. He’s learned that the hard way.
Today, like yesterday, Nagi will watch as the color drains from Reo’s cheeks along with his blood as it flows onto the pavement, warmth exiting his body, and smile fading as he tries to comfort Nagi, tell him that things are okay when they’re most certainly not , comfort Nagi when it isn’t Nagi who’s life slips away and Nagi will have the fleeting huff of a laugh at the way that even in his last breaths, Reo finds a way to be generous and selfless.
Nagi isn’t enough to stop it from happening.
Nagi isn’t enough and because of that he’ll watch the same scene over and over.
Today, like yesterday, Nagi will watch the love of his life die.
Tomorrow, he’ll do the same.
But Nagi will hold out hope, he has to, otherwise he’d have gone crazy by now. Though, perhaps he’s already descended into madness, Nagi can’t tell, can’t keep track, can’t decipher how long it’s been or recall when exactly everything first began.
“Maybe tomorrow,” he’ll tell himself as his body goes numb, goes as cold as Reo’s will feel in his arms in a matter of hours.
Tomorrow, Nagi will try.
And like all the times before, he’ll fail.
When did it begin? Nagi can’t say.
Actually, the truth is that he could say.
August 15th.
Just three days after Reo’s birthday, the day that haunts Nagi’s every waking moment.
Yes, that is the day that everything began, but Nagi also can’t say for certain. That is the beginning, but it’s not the end, far from it.
Because while that date is engraved into Nagi’s mind permanently, he has lived it on repeat for who knows how long.
He can’t bring himself to think too deeply about it.
That first time, that first death.
Everything had been so perfect.
The two of them in the sweltering heat of the summer sun, laying post-practice that Reo insisted on having despite classes being on hold for their summer break. But Reo had smiled at him, laughed like the chime of bells, and eyes like glittering gemstones, and Nagi? Nagi is nothing but a man, who was he to refuse his partner?
Nagi tries not to think about it but it’s unavoidable.
Hypotheticals and scenarios running through his mind, every possible route, every possible action, if he had done something differently at that time, if he had refused, would things have been different?
He swallows down hard and his eyes burn. Nagi tries not to think about that first time when he held onto Reo with a vice-like grip, not wanting anyone to take him away.
“We’ll help him,” the paramedics had said, but what help would they be? What help could they provide when Reo had whispered quiet reassurances and an equally faint confession as his life slipped through Nagi’s fingers.
That day… Everything had been perfect. Wonderful and sweet, a memory from their shared youth that would probably someday be forgotten but replaced thereafter with other memories equally as lovely.
Maybe if Nagi had been paying more attention, maybe if he had reacted faster, he wouldn’t be in this position now.
That first time… Nagi didn’t see the truck coming, didn’t have time to register any of it before he was being flung off the bike, but not by the impact of an oncoming vehicle, but by Reo, always the sacrificial one, pushing him out of the way.
All his reflexes, all his instincts, what good were they when he couldn’t even save Reo?
What good is he? What good has Nagi ever been to Reo when even now, he can’t do anything to stop it from happening again.
Perhaps Nagi’s mind is starting to fall apart, he doesn’t want to give up and yet, he’s tired.
Tired of waking up to see Reo’s beaming smile and having to pretend like everything is okay while suppressing a scream of imminent danger.
Nagi has tried that, of course, warning Reo, yelling at him, screaming at him that he’s going to die, he’s tried it on many occasions actually, on those days when he’s the most desperate, though Nagi has come to learn that such actions have only served to make Reo’s death come sooner.
Call him selfish, but if Reo is going to die anyway, then Nagi will like to pretend like everything is okay, just to have those few precious hours with him.
He’s learned that, at least in this way, Reo will die with at least a positive last memory of him.
I love you, Reo will whisper just like yesterday, just like tomorrow.
And Nagi will say it back through the blur of endless tears.
The cat gazes up at him curiously.
Curious, but Nagi can’t help but feel uneasy as its stare lingers, a glint in his eyes that’s almost mocking.
The caw from the murder of crows that gather on the phone line breaks Nagi out of his stupor. They spill out onto the street now, sitting on the sidewalk, on the fence railing, on cars. There’s so many of them but it seems that Nagi is the only one to find it strange.
Heat waves distort the horizon far away and Nagi feels himself begin to spiral again.
This isn’t right, nothing about this is right and neither is it fair.
Reo should be alive and happy, Reo should be in his arms, should be smiling that perfect smile that puts even the sun to shame with how bright it is.
Instead, Reo’s smile is small and fading away alongside the light in his eyes and Nagi knows that once again he’s failed at saving the one person that’s most important to him.
He tries his hardest not to blink, not to close his eyes for too long, tears falling silently as the commotion around him only continues. Still, just as it has before, Nagi lets his eyes rest for a second too long and that disorienting feeling is back with full force. Try as he might, his eyes won’t open until everything has been reset again, he’s learned this a long time ago. But that doesn’t stop the contents of his stomach from threatening to spill out as everything around him seems to feel like it’s humming, shifting, and warping, the very space around Nagi transforming into something.
The next time he opens his eyes, Nagi will be back in his bed ready to awake to a new day that isn’t new at all.
There are days where he wonders what would happen if he just stayed put, but the unease gnaws at his insides, urging him to find Reo.
Because if Reo is to die, then Nagi wants to see him one last time, and wants to make his last few hours precious.
Even so, on days like today, Nagi will force his eyes shut until the sound of his alarm beckons him to open them.
August 14th this time.
After that very first occurrence, Nagi had woken up back in bed. He’d convinced himself it was all some kind of terrible nightmare or at the very least, when he’d checked his phone to take not of the day, he’d thought he was being given a second chance.
An opportunity to save Reo, to change his fate.
Nagi was a fool.
August 14th, a day before the original incident, yet Nagi has long since learned to not be excited by it. Whether it’s the 14th or 15th, Reo still dies.
Or maybe this time he won’t. Maybe this time, Nagi can prevent it.
Reo is always saving him, pushing him out of the path of danger, taking care of Nagi as he always has, selfless and nurturing. Perhaps simply looking out for his friend isn’t enough.
Nagi thinks about this as his head is pillowed on Reo’s lap again. It’s just like the first time, the same cat purring as Reo scratches its head. Things will be different this time, Nagi will make sure of it.
Because he looks back on all his memories, painful as it is, looks back on all the days, months, years that he’s been reliving his worst moments.
“Ah!” Reo calls out, moving to stand, mumbling out a quiet apology to Nagi as he makes his way to follow the cat. The tiny thing bolts away, aiming for the street. The light is still green, but Nagi knows that as soon as Reo steps out onto the pavement, it’ll blare red and that’ll be the end of it again.
Instincts are a strange thing. They always urge Nagi to move, but never before was he able too, always shocked to his core as soon as he sensed Reo’s impending death, preventing him from stopping anything. This time, Nagi chases right behind them, missing just barely as he reaches for Reo’s wrist, but doesn’t back down.
No, Nagi keeps chasing until they’re halfway across the street and the cat sits at the other end, flicking its tail with intrigue. Everything moves in slow motion, Reo turning around, the light flashing Red, and this time, it’s Nagi who pushes Reo to safety. Still, it’s painful, getting hit by a speeding multi-ton vehicle, but also the look of absolute horror on Reo’s face. He never wants to make Reo sad, but if it’s between Reo being sad and Reo living, Nagi knows his choice.
Even so, the lump in his throat doesn’t diminish.
“Guess I failed again,” Reo mutters, tears streaming down his eyes as he thinks back to the crowd of people flocking around his friend.
It’s pointless. Reo has seen this scene too many times to know the aftermath.
Tomorrow, he’ll try harder, Reo would let himself die a million times before he ever has to see the way death cruelly takes his treasure again.
Tomorrow, Nagi will not see his love again.
Or the day after.
Or the day after that.