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Todd didn't know why, at nearly two in the morning, he was out of the penthouse- without his guards and a rock clutched between his fingers.
Nearly one year- eleven months and sixteen days to be precise, since he'd blinked awake from the coma and it still felt weird, foreign as if he was an intruder- an imposter in his own body. His injuries from Black had mostly healed; he ignored the constant aches on his skin and the pull of muscle that threatened every time he breathed.
It was fine .
A light wind rustled as he continued to hobble down the dusty overgrown path, the night sky clear and devoid of any stars, yet hued lighter from streetlights. Todd shivered.
It wasn't cold, but there was a certain chill that seemed to seep past his skin and into his bones, cloying as it poised to choke, devour. It felt like ice frosting through his blood.
Todd tugged the hoodie closer to his frame, the oversized cotton almost a miniature blanket as it dwarfed him. It did little to stave the insistent chill off, but it kept him warm enough. That could- would - have to do.
Perhaps it wasn't the best idea to be in a park by himself when even the sky looked asleep.
But there was an insistence to it, one that choked him beneath the skin the longer he waited away.
Twisted lips, furrowed eyebrows and concerned eyes flashed in his brain when he blinked. His excuse had been a desperation for fresh air, a moment where he could forget the constant looks passed between the guards and house aids- a moment to himself. They knew it was a flimsy lie hastily smoothed over his desires. And he knew that they did. He knew. They knew. Yet, the one person he desperately wanted to know- did he?
But. And. Todd hated that even he couldn't convince himself otherwise, a tiny hint to the deception of his truth. The pitiful gazes were humiliating that he almost savored the thrill of predatory gazes on him. Except… except there was only one person who made Todd truly understand the fear of being watched, as if suspended and skinned bare to a crowd.
He loathed it yet his brain couldn’t shut up even when drowned in alcohol and his skin wouldn’t stop crawling under the hot spray.
Intuition?
Nostalgia?
Desperation?
None seemed on par with the realization that Todd, a multi-million businessman known as one of the youngest, still recovering from a coma, was in a park he hadn't visited since childhood, without guards and only a flimsy knife for protection. He gasped a strangled breath. It was a good thing he had a solid draft of his will neatly tucked into the third drawer on the right of his desk in case-
Stupidity was probably the best answer.
-in case he lost all rationality and embraced the… underlying stupidity.
Todd chuckled, the sound dry as it was whisked away by the wind. He was so stupid to be desperately clinging onto relics of the past with hopes that everything would go back to normal- their normal- how it was.
What did " how it was" even mean? Other than delusions that if he'd ignored what Black was doing then they could continue as they did before? He'd tried, a fleeting attempt that had failed when Black had stumbled through the door, lips twisted to a grimace as blood flaked from his knuckles. And now here they were...could it have been different? Would they have allowed it?
Todd had tried, truly he did, he reminded himself, but Black-
He was so beautiful… reckless and powerful and beautiful.
Todd had tried to ignore Black- categorize and understand why they were catastrophic, but they revolved around the other, tangled together in a knot neither would
could untie.
He continued walking, dried leaves and wrappers crackling underneath his foot. It was so easy to get lost in the "what if's"- a very thought of abstraction that Todd had loathed to acknowledge before.
Before…
Before, when he spent mornings politely smiling and building connections as he ignored the veiled threats to usurp him and nights detailing files of information as he slipped through the dark and courted with the familiar danger of people who knew enough but not all.
Before, when Black disappeared for a few days only to appear with new scratches and messy hair as his shirt hung with new tears. He'd sweep through the apartment with muffled cusses and grunts, nodding at him in acknowledgement in between as he overtook his bed for a nap. But Black always found him before he fell asleep.
Before, when they saw the other as a person whom there was indescribable sanctuary from the insistence of their lives.
Before. Before. Before. His brain screamed at him.
And now, rather then-
They stood on opposite sides, yet they could reach out and grab ahold of the other. They had so many times before.
The teasing remarks, sweet on the tongue that slipped out of habit, the gentle touches and the unconscious reassurance of shuffling closer after draining socializations or finding something the other was talking about and sliding it closer while looking the other way -
Todd sat on the creaking swing, arms loosely hooked around the chains. Four years he hadn't sat on the stiff wood, instead he was lying on a bed for three years and struggling to move for most of the other year.
"That was quick."
He didn't flinch, didn't really have the energy for it. It was exhausting to pretend that everything was progressing as he wanted them to. It wasn't, but he could always adjust and change plans- Todd was good at that. After all, it was the reason his companies had stayed afloat after the changes and the new regulations to monopolies and for employees- being two steps ahead of everyone was what Todd was good at.
Was… Todd knew he wasn’t the same man he was before. Being in a coma, a breath away from life and a wink away from death would do that to a person. The only plausible reason why they were both here. But Todd was good at pretending, good at scheming and good at wishing. Good...never quite good enough, he thought.
Black sat on the swing next to him, the button on his sleeve catching the dim street light as it clinked against the metal chains. Dazed, Todd remembered the glint of metal as pain had bloomed across his rapidly numbing cheek. And wetness sliding down a steady path as calloused fingers cupped the area, thumb lightly brushing as if to soothe. He sighed, the sound rattling beneath his ribs.
Todd wasn't the only one good at thinking ahead.
"I didn't know your goons specialized in cleaning up parks," Black continued, swaying in tandem with the light wind.
It didn't surprise Todd that Black knew- he wondered if the other remembered. Did it make sense for him to also remember? Would Todd remembering sully it? Had he already?
Black continued swinging, movement a forced nonchalance perfected after too many screaming matches with his mother. Todd knew that. He knew it from the way Black stared straight ahead, his jaw clenched and fingers forcefully loose around the chains.
It flashed before his eyes suddenly: Black, years younger as he stubbornly stared his mother in the eyes, refusing to blink in case tears would fall. The trees behind him blurred together. Oh, it was the same park, he realized. So similar, yet as he looked again, tracing the fading silvers of scars around Black's face, so much had changed.
Was it worth it- to wonder and hope?
"Kept close tabs?" Todd managed to find his voice, grimacing at the rasp.
Discreetly, with no clear connection to him, or so he'd thought, Todd had hired a team to maintain the park every six months. It was old and unused, ignored and discarded, but Todd, as much as he was willing, couldn't let go.
Perhaps Black couldn't either.
Todd had kept coming back over the years, leaving each time with a promise never to. And the rock, a tiny, chipped thing of memories, he meant to leave, always returned with him.
The wind continued, a slight uproar and the branches shook, leaves trickling down upon them, joining the already carpeted ground. It had been a while since the park was cleaned, but Todd doubted it was six months yet.
Not that time mattered anymore.
There was a certain point where it no longer made sense to care so devoutly to everything being timed perfectly.
They stayed silent as their swings continued to creak in rhythm with the wind.
A shriek resounded.
Barely paying attention as he ran, a young Todd continued forward, glancing over his shoulder repeatedly as the shorter twin, White, tried sprinting closer and closer and closer. He'd evaded, cheering in early delight.
Except, Todd hadn't noticed Black jump at him, expecting the boy near his twin. They'd tumbled to the ground, rolling into the dirt with huffed laughter as White shook his head with fond exasperation.
Todd blinked and the scene shifted.
It was their first time in the park after the separation. He and Black were aimlessly standing around, lost and unaware as they hoped White would come running and apologizing, claiming a prank for their constant teasing.
Except it wasn't and the day continued. The sky bled from blue to a soft orange and they couldn't bear to acknowledge the empty White shaped space- they didn't acknowledge anything.
"Here." Todd's voice was rough as he handed Black a rock he'd found, refusing to meet the other's gaze. Their fingers briefly intertwined, the rock- a shapely thing of crevices colored in hints of oranges and glittering specks, slipping from one hand to another.
"Staring doesn't do much." He added, proud that he wasn’t squirming under the scrutiny.
And Black had taken the rock, twirling it between his fingers. He drew his hand back, aiming and threw. It slammed against the metal chains of the swings, breaking into halves as it fell, dust scattering. They didn't speak, and dust continued floating through the air, shimmering in the haze of a soon to be summer night.
Wordlessly, Black walked forward, picking up the pieces with a shuddered breath. He slipped one into his pocket and opened his palm to Todd, the other half sitting there.
They didn't speak about the rock, rather about what they wished could be. The things they'd wanted to change, pipe dreams that began a foundation.
They didn't speak about the rock, but it felt like it would be o k- as time progressed, they would too.
It was difficult to care about time in the present when time was simply how he knew what the past was. It was unkind. Unfair. But…
"We should work together." Todd’s throat was embarrassingly hoarse.
"Do you think a partnership means I won't hurt you anymore? Scared?" Black scoffed, fingers now hidden in his pockets.
They were still clenched. The creases were visible to Todd as he stayed slumped against the metal chain. “M surprised it’s in one piece.” He wasn't quite sure what he was referring to.
There were sudden creaks louder than the wind, Black swung higher, faster, a bit more desperate.
Black wasn’t the only stubborn asshole. Todd forced himself upright, "A joint effort could appease and unify everyone to a stronger society. Of course, there will be outcry, but with most of the general population supporting ROL and my handle on some of the businesses, it can be a worthy-"
"Bullshit. What's the actual reason?" Black slowed, resolutely staring forward as his fingers once again tightened around the chains.
He was restless.
There was no other reason, other than the selfish, tiny hope that he and Black could hold a…compromise. Still, he was clinging and he hated it, but Todd didn't know what else to do.
“Well?”
Todd sucked a deep breath in, ignoring the increasingly constant shiver in his fingers and burn on his throat as the adrenaline of Black finally listening, somewhat, disappeared. Mirroring Black's earlier response, Todd scoffed. "Being cautious doesn't suit you."
“You’re still alive. That should be enough caution.”
Once again, they lapsed into silence, a stagnancy to their conversation that felt more of a bonding experience than it should. Fuck. Why the fuck were they like this. Todd wanted to scream.
"Why?" The word, the singular syllable, escaped Black’s lips like a plea. Todd turned to look at him, drank in his eyes, blown wide by incredulous surprise, stripped bare. They could ignore it, try. But it hung- a tight winding thing around them.
It was a simple question- a word asking to explain reason. And there could be so many answers, so many possibilities of what it might refer to, except…they aren't that clueless of each other.
"It-" looking back, there were two options- perhaps more, but only two definites Todd could believe in: his plans or Black. "I needed time, a way where my plans wouldn't get sidetracked."
"And putting me in a coma was the way?"
Todd could hear the incredulity coating Black's words and it almost made him want to smile.
Then, they would choose themselves rather than the other. For, as much as they loved and stayed together, they couldn't allow themselves to be victim to such feelings. They tried not to be fools. That didn't mean they weren't.
They loved each other. But they didn't belong to each other- it was a selfishness they owed to each other or the people that depended on them.
"A few more days would have been better." Todd smiled, lips heavy to maintain the small quirk, but it didn't fumble. You were safe from Tawi, he didn't say. No matter that Todd had spent a portion of each day stationary by Black's bedside, grasping his hand with regret, Black was safe and that was all that mattered.
"Was White always a part of your plans?"
The question was one Todd had asked himself when he slipped the piece of paper with White's number into his pocket. All he could see, rather than the numbers staring at him, was a child crying, laughing and smiling so freely as he clung to his brother and pouted when Todd teased him.
Todd blinked. Well, plans were always changing.
"Did you wake up after learning of White's taste in partners?" It was a question that always intrigued him. White and his tenacity. It was always something to behold.
"Our taste in partners was always shit," Black muttered, allowing the change in subject.
Todd pretended not to see the small glance towards him. It would not be good to glance over and see the cementation of what he'd been denying for years. He didn't.
Instead, Todd increased his speed, nearly level with Black and that was enough. From the adrenaline of being near Black, having a conversation without threats of death, Todd felt almost weightless, teetered only to the ground by the subtle hint of Black's cologne- something minty, and the rock clenched between his fingers still.
Lost in thought, they stayed there, absentmindedly swinging back and forth in a constant rhythm.
It felt like milliseconds and days all at once, a stretch of time they were both lost in, foreign to everyone else.
Perhaps, if they were strangers, they would have begun a conversation, hesitantly, or ignored the other.
But they did both, and neither.
The rock remained clutched within Todd's palm. Another day, he thought.
"I'm surprised you're not being hunted by White. Isn't past your bedtime?"
"Shut up," Black snipped, abruptly slowing. "I should put you in another coma. Annoying."
"It would be pretty easy right now," Todd smiled, tone almost challenging.
"Bastard."
There was quiet fondness to it, exactly like the whispered tones Todd craved to hear again when memories a bit too out of reach resurfaced. Perhaps worry, but Todd was good at deluding himself too,
He saw, at that very moment, Black clutching a rock identical to the one in his pocket. Maybe.
"Your room's still there." Nevermind that Todd had only one actual bedroom, it had always been his and Black's, since the first day when Black had dragged Todd mattress shopping.
"Do I get my hoodie back?"
"No," Todd didn't even pretend to think, the answer set since the first time Black asked for his hoodie. Todd still remembered the unspoken, 'it was now his ," when he'd been swallowed by cotton and wrapped with Black's scent. The worn cotton was almost like a blanket that swathed him. Thinking about it…the hoodie he was wearing carried the particular detergent that Black insisted his hoodies be washed with. "You're not getting any of your hoodies back," Todd clarified, smirking.
"Hm."
Which was Black's code of "Yeah sure, I'll be there". Or something along the lines.
Eventually, they got up, when the sky began to lighten and the air buzzed warmer.
"Catch."
The rock left Todd's fingers, soaring through the air. Nimble fingers encircled it, rolling it in between the thumb and middle. "Didn't think you'd keep it."
Todd hummed, a certain lightness in him. "Couldn't let go."
Black reached into his pocket, pulling out the identical other half. "Me neither," and he walked over, two steps until he was in front of Todd, delicately placing the rock in his hand.
It was a start, a compromise.
For all they hated the ways that the other chose, they just couldn't hate the other.
They left, both going separate ways when the sun started to peak through clouds.
And met another night, drawn or through shared impulsivity.
And another.
And another.
And then it changed from late night swings to being tucked together in a small restaurant to tangling together as they'd once done.
Then a kiss, hesitant, in the rustles of the warm summer night wind, shared between the chains of two creaky swings.