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It is a truth universally acknowledged, that mothers are always right and sons would rather run naked through a convent on Sunday morning than to admit it.
When Copia had set off on tour, Sister Imperator had given him a long list of “Rules and Guidelines”, some of which were sensible enough, while others made no sense at all. Why shouldn’t they give hitchhikers a lift, after all? It was a decent thing to do, and a good way to recruit people.
On the very first page of the “Rules and Guidelines” it also stated that the ghouls were, under no circumstances, to spend their allowance on energy drinks. Copia, having decided that he was to be a fun leader, the cool Papa, if you will, had dismissed that one instantly.
When they stopped at a large supermarket a week later to restock their supplies and the ghouls had swarmed him, he’d told them to be on their merry way and get whatever they wanted.
“Whatever we want?” Dew had asked, and the glimmer of hellfire in his eyes really, really should’ve clued Copia in. Hindsight and all that. Because being the “cool” Papa now has him on a bus that’s nearly going off the road because the ghouls are running around and literally bouncing off the walls.
He winces when there is another crash from the back lounge, and determinedly keeps his gaze on the upper left corner of his laptop screen. He doesn’t need to look at Sister to know what expression she’s wearing.
“Don’t-“
“I told you so, Cardi!”
“-say I told you so,” he sighs, shoulders sagging. He doesn’t know what’s worse, having a bus full of ghouls who, for a lack of better word, have the zoomies or Sister telling him ‘I told you so.’ And that’s not even to speak of the giant, stuffed cat Dewdrop had dragged back to the bus, or the nerf gun he’d seen Swiss stash in his bunk. All those were horrors to deal with later.
“Look, can you just tell me-“
A blur rushes past him and a tail slaps against his shoulder. “Hi Sister!!” A second later, the same blur, which purely based on size Copia thinks is Mountain, flies past in the other direction, making the pages on the tiny bus table flutter in the breeze. “Bye Sister!!”
Copia rubs his temples. “Can you tell me how to remedy this…unfortunate situation?”
To his dismay, the corners of Sister’s lips quirk up. “I’m afraid there is nothing to do but wait it out, Cardi. You know, there is a reason these rules and guidelines are in place. I keep telling you.”
“Schadenfreude doesn’t suit you,” Copia huffs.
There’s a crash from the bunk area.
“No, Swiss! Give it back!”
Swiss’ laughter has reached a new level of manic, and Copia weighs the option of going back there and attempting to sort it out against the option of just sitting it out. Either might end in murder. Glancing at the clock, he rolls his shoulders back in determination.
“Seestor, I’ll talk to you later.” He closes the laptop and stumbles towards the driver, only almost getting bowled over by a rogue ghoul once, which he counts as a win. “Gary, I need you to do us all a favour.”
~
The bus is parked at the edge of a forest, and Copia has never been more glad for being ahead of schedule and for Gary being a magical driver and finding them this place. The second the bus doors had opened the ghouls were out like shots, setting off towards the trees like screeching black shadows. Beasts of hell indeed.
Copia and Gary had shared a commiserating look, before they’d sat down at a picnic table and Copia had accepted the cigarette Gary offered. He wasn’t supposed to smoke, but today of all days warranted an exception to that rule.
“How long you think they’ll be out, boss?”
The smoke hits his lungs and Copia exhales slowly, watches the grey whisps curl towards the blue sky. “That remains to be seen.” He can only hope it won’t be too long, or they’ll be late for the show.
When they’ve finished their cigarettes, Gary goes to make them some coffee, which they also drink in companionable silence. Every now and then a flock of birds will startle out of the trees, and shrieks will carry over in the wind.
Copia glances at his watch and sighs. How does one herd back a group of over-caffeinated ghouls? Today is a day full of bad decisions. And desperate times call for desperate measures.
Standing up, he clears his throat. Tries not to feel stupid and reminds himself that he is the head of the church of Satan, Papa Emeritus IV in spe. Sticking his fingers between his lips, he lets out a loud whistle.
The silence stretches long enough for him to start feeling utterly foolish, but then it is broken by the cracking of branches and what sounds like a herd of little elephants trampling their way through the underbrush. On the edge of the forest the ghouls appear, making their way back to the bus. Copia’s shoulders sag in relief. Gary pats his shoulder as he gets back on the bus and starts the engine.
“Hi C!”
“We’re back!”
“This was so fun!”
“I chased a squirrel all the way up into a tree!”
They all waltz past him utterly gleeful, and Copia does his best to count. It looks like they didn’t lose anyone, thankfully. He can’t even begin to imagine the “rules and guidelines are in place for a reason” lecture he’d receive if they lost a ghoul due to overcaffeeination.
When he steps back onto the bus, he finds his ghouls crashed out in the back lounge like a pile of overgrown puppies, all of them panting.
“Feeling better?”
He receives happy nods, and can’t help but feel a flutter of fondness in his chest. What ridiculous creatures they are.
“I’m starving though,” Swiss groans, making Copia huff in resignation. “Gary, be a dear and pull into the next McDrive, please.” Sister can pay the massive bill for that one, since she was so very unhelpful.
~
The meal order nearly brought the girl working the McDrive window to tears, and once the ghouls have polished off the food at record speed, they finally settle down. Copia puts on “Planet Earth” because that usually captures their attention for at least an hour or two, and goes back to work. Crisis averted, lesson learnt and no harm done. He actually feels rather proud of himself for the way he handled the entire matter. It could’ve been a lot worse.
Copia is not proud of the way he shrieks later that night, when he wakes up and finds a pair of glowing eyes watching him in the darkness.
“What in Lucifer’s name are you doing?!”
Dewdrop huffs indignantly from his perch at the bottom of Copia’s bunk. “Can’t sleep and I was bored,” he sulks, crawling forward until their noses are almost touching. “Now that you’re awake, can we play Uno?”
There’s a soft thud, followed by a yowl, followed by a thump. “Swiss! That hurt! I’m going to kill you!” Rain sounds truly angry, which is a rare occurrence, and leads Copia to believe that Swiss has unpacked the nerf gun.
He wants to scream into his pillow.
“That’s it. You’re all cut off your allowance for a month!”