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Mori likes to think of himself as a patient, understanding man. He's rebuilt the Port Mafia up from the steaming pile of shit the former Boss had left him with, and he's done so by knowing when to bare his teeth and when to smile close-lipped. He's made deals and alliances, forgiven enemies and punished betrayers, and it all had led him to where he is; sitting high and mighty on the throne of the biggest crime Empire to ever grace the Japanese shoreline. He's gotten multiple, useful chess pieces in the form of various ability users, earned the respect and wariness of the government and gotten a truly priceless pair of top-notch operatives, one of them being his perfect, genius right hand man-
"We are lost, Mori-san."
…He is a patient, focused man.
"NO WE ARE NOT!"
…He has dealt with the worst of the worst and came out laughing.
"Yes we are. Send Hirotsu-san for us, will you? We'll stay still until he gets here since there's a CHILD here and children should wait in place until someone retrieves them."
…He has come so far, has half the city at his fingertips.
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A CHILD, I'M OLDER THAN YOU!?! FUCK YOU I CAN FIGURE IT OUT!"
…He's brilliant- maybe not as much as his young successor, but enough so to put the fear of God into his enemies without even lifting a finger.
"Oh wooooow, the dog can make sounds other than barking! Nature sure is amazing~ Sit your ass down, pint-sized, and give me that map, you'll get us lost worse at this rate."
…So maybe he's done a few bad things in his time, but in this city, who hasn't?
"No! You'll take us to the nearest bridge if I let you guide us! I can figure this out MYSELF!"
…And yeah, he's killed a few people, but it was almost always done in pursuit of making Yokohama a better place. Except maybe that one time… and that other time… and/
"So let's wait for Hirotsu-san then, it'll be faster. We don't have the time for Chibi to get us lost even worse, I have a meeting I need to get to this evening- you can stay here if you want, though, and maybe you'll find your way back in a few weeks."
…Hasn't he taken good care of the children under his care? Dazai, Nakahara, Q… those Akuta…gowe kids or however they are called. He's done good deeds!
"I need to go to that meeting too, I'm your bodyguard today! I'm as important as you!"
…From the other side of the meeting table, Kouyou hides a smile behind her long, flowing sleeve. Hirotsu has long since left the room, in search of their wayward Executive and sub-Executive.
"Oh yeah, the person standing moodily on a corner has the same value as the one making the millionaire deals that will secure us a fresh supply of firearms-"
…He's so tired. No one said being Boss would be easy, but they also haven't said it's easier to command a crime Empire than to corral a pair of teenagers . This kind of thing has been happening more and more lately, too, and he signed up to control the underworld, not babysit.
"Why you-"
"Let's play a game!" He finally chirps in, between clenched teeth, beyond fed up.
The line goes silent for a few seconds.
"Excuse me?" Finally asks Dazai, sounding truly puzzled for probably the first time in months. It's always a challenge to surprise that kid.
"Yes, it's called 'The quiet game'! Between you two, the first one to speak loses."
"...Huh?!"
His heir and favored Executive (when he's not acting like he's five) intones, voice dangerous and low like a viper hiding in grass- "Mori-san, are you treating us - me - like children ?"
He carefully keeps his voice high and airy, despite the fact that he wishes he had one or both teens on an operation table right now, under his scalpel, out of sheer frustration.
"Of course not, Dazai-kun! I just thought you two would enjoy the chance to compete, seeing how you're always trying to prove who's better at what."
"Boss, sorry, but we are not little kids and-"
"Wait, slug, shush. What does the winner get?"
"Bitch?!"
"What? If the Boss is suggesting a game, it's only fair that he offers a reward."
His headache is only getting worse. From the corner of the room, Elise is shooting him a gleeful smirk.
Traitor.
"How about- huh- a car? A brand new one?"
"Oh, that sounds good, actually -"
"And that's why I'm the negotiator. Let me do the speaking. Come on, Boss, don't be stingy, you can do better."
"What does that even mean, shit head?!"
"It means you suck at haggling, but that's to be expected from someone as smart as he is tall- which is, not at all!"
"YOU FUCKING -"
"Game starts now! First one to speak is admitting defeat to the other! Winner gets whatever prize they want!" He almost shouts, desperate to get them to shut the fuck up .
Silence comes from the other side of the line.
Blessed, perfect, celestial silence.
"Great! Now, sit tight and wait where you are, Hirotsu is on his way to fetch you."
With that, and before they can rethink their investment in the game, he hangs up. A relieved sigh leaves his chest, feeling like a good percentage of his soul drifted out as well. From her corner, Elise starts giggling.
Across the table, Kouyou lowers her sleeve and gives him a look .
"You know that's going to backfire, right?"
Mori's shoulders drop a little. He drags a hand down his face, exhausted.
"Maybe, but knowing how competitive they get, at least we'll have a few blessed days of silence. Whatever retribution they cook up for treating them like kids is worth it."
Kouyou's face screams that she really doubts it, but she doesn't say anything else.
They each have an aspirin that Kouyou had the forethought to bring, and finish the rest of their meeting in peace. When she goes back to her duties, though, she leaves the box behind. It's as much an augury of doom as a thousand crows perched on his desk would be.
___________________
He gets the first foreboding feeling when the boys return later that day to give their report, acting like perfectly behaved members of polite society.
It's beyond suspicious.
It gets worse when, instead of them recounting the meeting, Hirotsu is given the handwritten document from which he reads, voice perfectly even like he's browsing the newspaper-
"We arrived at the meeting with five minutes to spare, despite the slug's horrible navigation abilities-"
From Hirotsu's right side, Dazai smiles, impish. It's an adorable sight on his fifteen years old protegee- or it would be, if the sight didn't have Mori reaching for another aspirin.
From the older gentleman's other side, the sub-Executive growls and thrusts a little note to the man, who takes it without a single twitch to his face.
"'Who are you calling a bad navigator, you poor copy of a mummy?', says Nakahara-kun. Going back to the report: '... but despite our tardiness, we were still there before the other party, which was my first clue on how little they thought of the Port Mafia, probably because they sent someone my age to negotiate-'."
Dazai, then, snatches Mori's sticky notes from the desk, hurriedly writes something down on the top most, and places it over the report on Hirotsu's hand.
"'They also probably weren't impressed by Chibi's size and thought we were insulting them by having an elementary school student as a bodyguard', says Dazai-san." Both Hirotsu and Mori act as though they don't see Chuuya throwing a desk ornament, aiming for Dazai's head and missing by a hair. "Continuing the report; '... which meant they underestimated us, and would be horribly underprepared for the negotiation. As such, I could barter an even better deal than we previously discussed-'."
Smirking, Chuuya takes the sticky notes from Dazai's hand and writes his own, also dropping it on Hirotsu's hand.
"'He's forgetting to mention that he made the deal even worse for the other party because his voice broke during his beggining speech and they laughed a little, so he got super mad', says Nakahara-kun. Again, the report…"
Oh god. Oh fucking god.
Maybe he's made the situation worse, actually.
He takes two aspirins.
___________________
The week has gone by without much fanfare. Yes, Chuuya-kun and Dazai-kun have yet to utter a word, making their subordinates read notes for them or using portable whiteboards, but such silliness is a low price to pay in exchange of not having to suffer through their childish spats. It's inconvenient, and makes them look kinda bad to their business partners, but Dazai-kun has a way to terrify them all without uttering a single word, and Chuuya-kun's fists speak for themselves, so he's still calling this a win.
Kouyou just threw him a pitying look when he mentioned this to her, saying it was just a matter of time until someone escalated.
He respects the woman's profound understanding of interpersonal relationships and, specifically, her advice on how to treat younger operatives, but that doesn't mean he's happy when she's proven right.
And of course, the one who escalated just had to be his protegee. ‘Go big or go home and make sure to win it all’, seemed to be Dazai’s motto.
It went a little like this-
"Kajii-kun, you had something to say to me? I'm just about to wrap this report up with Chuuya-kun, if you can wait for a minute…"
New-operative Motojiro Kajii nods shakily, still very nervous in his presence, scared of him and his power in a way he sometimes wishes double black was. He waves him in, and he approaches until he’s standing next to the redhead, though he carefully avoids eye contact with him.
"Of course, sir. I was just dropping by to make sure everything is okay with the specifications you required for that last batch of bombs."
…He doesn't have a good feeling about this.
"What bombs, Kajii-kun?"
Chuuya, sticky notes at hand and nervously twitching subordinate by his side, turns to the newcomer and raises an eyebrow.
Obviously uncomfortable with the added attention, the bomber hunches his shoulders a bit.
"The, huh, the ones your Executive needed for an assignment? He had, ah, a signed note from you and everything? He picked them up earlier this evening, so I thought…"
Well, Mori had certainly not signed up on any special bombs lately. Ace's aesthetic wouldn't allow for lemon shaped bombs, Verlaine had no need for those and Kouyou would ask first, so that left-
He sighs.
"And what specifications did Dazai-kun require?"
Most adults with children under their care have to worry about forged signatures on report cards or permission slips. His ward is forging authorizations for highly rated explosives.
He'll need to have a chat with Dazai-kun about using Mori's signature without permission. Again .
"Uhm… well, he wanted an added fireworks show to the explosion itself… I did say it would make the radius smaller, but- sorry, I thought you knew about this? Sir?"
Chuuya-kun's face has an alarmed shadow to it, which- fair. Dazai-kun doesn't go on missions alone often these days; He's too valuable to the Mafia as a whole and has too little regard for his own safety for anyone to feel comfortable sending him on his own. Especially on missions that require such heavy weaponry.
Who authorized this? Mori sure didn't and there's no one else with the clearance level needed to give Dazai orders… Which of course leaves the option of Dazai-kun assigning himself the mission and freestyling it. Damn.
That's two talks that he needs to have with his ward, now.
"Uhm…" Chuuya-kun's subordinate chimes in, visibly nervous. He's holding a sticky note with trembling hands. "Nakahara-san says 'why the fireworks?'."
Kajii shifts in place.
"He said it was to… send a message? He had the chemical proportions already worked out and he seemed to know how to make the fireworks spell something without my input, he just needed… 'cheap labor', according to his note."
Sighing again, Mori rubs his temples.
"Did he mention who the message was for? An enemy organization, a personal nemesis, the government…?"
"Well, he wrote about… uhm, a blind dog? And also something about a note someone missed?"
As if on cue, just as Chuuya’s face twisted in annoyed understanding, a big explosion lit up the Yokohama skyline, interrupting whatever Kajii is about to say next with a resounding 'BOOM'. He really doesn’t need to look to know this is Dazai’s doing, but he’ll admit to a bit of curiosity as to what exactly he is trying to communicate… to his partner, apparently, so he stands up from his desk and joins the others near the window.
On the far edge of the city, near the warehouse zone just by the port, a column of smoke and flames rise high (huh, he’ll need to congratulate Kajii for a job well done), and Mori can just imagine a dozen firetrucks making their way there at this exact moment. Policeman would join them to look for the arsonist once it's confirmed the cause wasn’t accidental, but he knows his protegee; they won’t find anything incriminating at all.
It’ll be just another day, another dollar, if not for the remnants of the firework show, writing “dinner @ urs” against the dark canopy of a cloudy night.
Then, a smaller firework goes up, as if an afterthought, and this time it reads loud and clear “Slug”.
They aren't even trying to be subtle, huh? Let the entire Port Mafia know one of their superiors and his partner are children.
'Why did I think it was a good idea to pair them up ?'
He breathes out slowly and evenly to try and reign in his irritation, and turns to look at Chuuya, a warning on his mouth about his answer not being as flashy -
And he's gone. Of course.
God fucking damn it.
"Sir…?"
He waves off Kajii and Chuuya's trembling subordinate, waiting until they are gone to start bitching to Elise. He has a reputation to keep, after all, and seems to be the only one around who even cares about keeping it up.
Twenty minutes later, a good chunk of the nearest mountain breaks off, flying around, encased in red light, forming the words "pick up a good wine or imma kill u" over the middle of the city.
He takes out another three aspirins.
___________________
Chuuya hires a plane, and makes it skywrite " Arcade rematch ?", for everyone in Yokohama to see. Kouyou drops by, leaving him with a brand new pill bottle. She might be his favorite Executive at the moment.
Dazai's response is to buy one of the biggest billboards in the middle of the city, and make it display a picture of a dog with a fedora, reading " Dogs suck at video games, but I'll entertain you " under it in Comic Sans font. It's vandalized by a 'mysterious man with a hat' in less than an hour, a spray painted mummy joining the dog and the words " you're on, bandaged bitch" hastily scrawled under. Hirotsu requests a last minute meeting, but instead of saying anything, he just brings Mori a bottle of good scotch, bows and leaves. So he might actually be his favorite subordinate overall.
When a body is found one evening, and the media informs everyone it had a message cut into it about a 'tacky hatrack' that 'sucks at Mario kart', making the police puzzle over it for hours thinking a new murderer with a weird MO is haunting their streets, he decides enough is enough.
He calls them both into his office. Akutagawa, for some reason that's probably not gonna help his blood pressure, tags along, twitching nervously one feet behind and one to the side of Dazai.
The reason for his presence becomes obvious when Dazai shoves a piece of paper his way. It's still a little weird- if he was brought as an interpreter, shouldn't he be in between? But he's on Dazai's left, and Chuuya's on his right, so for him to read the oldest teen's notes, shouldn't he be in the middle…?
…In Dazai's blind side. Where Chuuya-kun is currently standing.
Oh . Okay, then.
" 'You wanted to see us, Mori-san?' , says Dazai-san."
Elise chuckles from the sandbox she demanded he installs near his desk. He swiftly ignores her.
"Yes. Thank you for coming so quickly, boys."
Chuuya writes on his own sticky note, leaning over Dazai to reach Akutagawa and give it to him.
" 'Of course Boss. What can we do for you?', says Chuuya-san."
This will get annoying very quickly. Akutagawa sounds so deadpan, when reading Chuuya's notes, and so incredibly nervous and excited when it's his mentor's. Dazai was never this cute about being his student. It's not fair.
"I won't beat around the bush, then, since you are both so very busy. I want to talk about you two not speaking to each other."
" 'You mean the quiet game you suggested? Chuuya's gonna loose any day now, so you better be ready to hand off the reward', says Dazai-san. Uhm, 'You wish, you bast -' sorry, I can't say this, Chuuya-san."
"Don't worry, Akutagawa-kun. I can fill in the blanks of what he wrote. And yes, I'm talking about that. I think it's high time we call it a draw, don't you, boys? It's been going for quite some time…"
" 'Draws are for losers who don't want to admit they are losing, Mori-san. You can call the game off if you want, but I'm not speaking until Chibi does' , says Dazai-san. And, huh, here, Chuuya-san replies 'Well I won't either, you son of a… '- Chuuya-san! I'm sure Dazai-san's mother was a very nice person."
Well, from what Mori remembers about the time he picked up Dazai, that's just untrue, but his protegee doesn't seem very enthused about sharing that with anyone else, so he doesn't comment.
"Well, either way, these incredibly flashy methods of communication you two have going on need to stop. The government is getting twitchy and I don't need them knocking on my door asking if 'slug' and 'mackerel' are the names of some new product we are illegally selling. It makes us look bad at subterfuge and terrible at naming stuff too, and it's embarrassing."
Chuuya scowls. He gives Akutagawa another note. Poor kid's starting to look like a paperweight.
"'But how do we communicate for missions and stuff? We are partners', he says."
Mori massages his temples.
"Phones are a thing, you know. What's more, you can use some of the mission-only funds you have assigned to you and buy new ones, if you'd like. Whatever gets you to stop ."
Both teens exchange a look. The devilish sparkle in their eyes spells trouble, but honestly, whatever they cook up can't be worse than the skywriting and billboards.
___________________
Okay. He stands corrected. It is worse. So, so much worse.
On the bright side, they are in a meeting with only the Executives and sub-Executives, so it's not like they are losing face in front of business partners.
On the other hand, he's staring straight at Ace's eyes when Chuuya's phone lights up with a notification and the sound of a heartfelt, loud, dirty moan cuts off the man's report on the jewel export.
" AHH~hhn !"
There's a few seconds of silence while the young redhead, blush slightly pink on his face but otherwise unaffected, picks up his phone and types a response. Dazai's phone pings, then, with the sound of a cartoon character's (Goofy, he thinks the name is) laugh.
"Ah-hyuk! Ah-hyuk !"
The bandaged boy glances at the screen, then scratches something down on his portable whiteboard and elbows Akutagawa, not a sub-Executive by far but attending the meeting as Dazai's protegee. His face is burning red, but he dutifully reads out loud his master's comment on his and Chuuya-kun's findings on the jewel trade tricks their rival organization is currently using.
Before he's finished, Dazai fires another text.
" AHH~hhn !"
Kouyou hides her face behind her fan, visibly embarrassed about what her sub executive and protegee is doing (Mori kinda relates), refusing to look as Chuuya replies.
"Ah-hyuk! Ah-hyuk!"
Again, Akutagawa reads, " ' Me and the Chibi can infiltrate the Yang trading company and find out more if need be, but he says we should focus more on the Yagami family. Their son is apparently a genius in his own right and if they try to branch out their business in our direction it could lead to trouble' ."
The sad thing is, they are contributing nicely to the conversation, so it's not like he can kick them out. And he gave them permission to have their phones on for this meeting, to ensure neither misses an important message from the other, so asking them to put their phones on vibration only would seem as him backing down, which is never a good look for a Mafia Boss.
He still considers it, after a dozen or so " AHH~hhn! "s and " Ah-hyuk! Ah-hyuk!" s, but a single look from Dazai stills his tongue. He seems like he's waiting for Mori to complain, and then he'll probably make a comment like 'Why, is something wrong?' and 'why is this 'inappropriate' ?', to force him into derailing this whole meeting to explain why Goofy sounds and moaning aren't very professional ringtones. And, knowing him, it'll just devolve into a senseless debate on why is that bad, and 'is it making anyone uncomfortable ?', bringing everyone else into the discussion, making them even more uncomfortable .
So he just downs his coffee (Hirotsu-san, the angel, brought it to him earlier; it tastes like whiskey, which makes it even better) and resigns himself to the fact that this is his life, and he'll just tell them off later, and to put their phones on silent for the next meeting.
Kouyou glares at him from the corner of her eye, and he avoids looking back, because he knows she is right.
Ultimately, he brought this upon himself.
(He kinda wonders why the moaning voice sounded so familiar. Maybe someone he knows?)
___________________
The next meeting, they still don't talk and curse at each other. They don't blow anything up. Their phones are on silent.
Instead, it's the clicking. The god awful clicking.
How have their pens not broken down yet? They must have clicked them like two thousand times each so far, exchanging messages like this until one of them picks their whiteboard and summarizes their consensus for the rest of the present.
And it's not even Morse code- Mori knows that, he was the one who taught it to Dazai. As far as he can tell, it's just senseless clicking, but it obviously means something, because the points they bring up are insightful to the point they must have been thoroughly discussed.
Sometimes, though, he can guess the content of their exchanges isn't entirely about the topic at discussion. Dazai will get this look, boyish and a little sweet, and Chuuya's answering smile will be a little cocky and… teasing? But he doesn't want to derail this trainwreck any further, and he also doesn't really want to know, so he ignores those little moments and soldiers on with the meeting.
He's not the only one that leaves the meeting with a headache, but this time, Kouyou doesn't share her aspirins. She's looking at him like she wants to hang him by his toes from the top of Headquarters like a flag.
That's fair.
___________________
This time, they aren't even in a meeting. It's just the three of them in his office, because they just got back from a mission and have decided to work on their reports there. In Mori's couch and low table. And because Elise thinks this entire thing is hilarious and loves to see him suffer, of course she enabled them, even moving her drawings to make space for their paperwork.
It's been blessedly silent, though. They haven't so much as clicked their pens twice after Mori had given them a stern look, and their phones remain silent. There are no subordinates here this time, so no one to read their grievances out loud.
It's peaceful, and silent.
Too silent, he thinks, and immediately feels on edge, looking up from his own paperwork.
They aren't writing anymore, but they aren't fighting either. They just… stare at each other. They aren't even making faces, but their eyes twitch and their heads tilt in a way that suggests conversation, so he knows they aren't just having a staring contest.
After a few seconds of silent eye contact, they both return to their reports, exchange apparently finished.
They are talking, he realizes. But with their eyes.
Oh god, are they developing mind reading techniques? He wouldn't put it past Dazai to learn and drag Chuuya along. He's not sure if it's a good or a bad thing, but they are going to be insufferable after the game is over, if they can apparently tell what the other is thinking. And if this evolves into something even worse…
Suddenly, he realizes he can't stand this anymore. This game is over, and he knows who the loser is going to be.
"That's it!" He stands from his desk, beyond done. Both kids look up at him, confused - or fake confused, on Dazai's end.
He resists the urge to write his own resignation letter.
"Leave your reports as they are and head home, both of you; tomorrow I want an out loud recount of today's mission, and you'll do it yourselves. No subordinates, bombs, weird Morse code or text to speech. I don't care who wins or how you solve this, but this bet ends today ."
For once, miraculously, the teens don't complain. They exchange yet another meaningful look, and bow as they leave.
Mori just goes back to work after he's been left alone, even dismissing Elise because he doesn't need the sass she'll dish out.
Like he said, the game is over, and it doesn't even matter who wins the bet; they all know who the real loser is.
Himself.
___________________
When both teens walk in the next morning, it is hard not to notice the spring in Chuuya's step, the slight limp on Dazai's or the self-satisfied smiles on both their faces.
Still, it's with a sense of relief that he listens to his protegee's voice for the first time in weeks. Even the insults they throw back and forth offer their own comfort, now that he knows that the alternative is. And it's a little watered down, too- they keep looking at each other, and Mori knows most of their curses and banter are being conveyed via their latest method of telepathic communication. Whatever. At least something good came from this trainwreck of an experience.
He waits after their reports are done and just hands them a blank check, so they can buy their own reward. Dazai hands it off to Chuuya, which is surprising - he'd always thought, privately, that the bandaged teen would rise up victorious. He was too ruthless and thorough not to.
But when they leave, walking side by side like ever but closer than before, hands almost touching, he sees the cunning smirk on the brunet's lips. There's a little red mark on his neck, peeking from under the bandages there, and he's humming under his breath as he limps away, only stopping to sing-song that 'Chibi owes him dinner with his prize money' .
The door closes behind them, and he knows, without proof nor doubts, that even if he himself lost and Chuuya got the prize, it was Dazai who somehow truly won .
Kouyou sends a flower arrangement and aspirins as thanks for putting an end to that, which is nice.
( And Hirotsu drops by and leaves him with a pamphlet titled " How to give the sex talk to your teens ", which is not .
It makes for nice cutting paper for Elise's crafts, though .)