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Akito isn’t very used to being loved.
The word “love” itself barely came into use in the Shinonome household. His father would probably rather die than tell Akito or Ena he loved them, and Ena herself only used the word to express liking things— “I love this song, I love this skirt, I love this video.” His mother was more obvious with her love towards her children, but the phrase “I love you” was still rarely heard.
As a result of this, he didn’t really understand it. The feeling of love—he wasn't sure if he'd ever had it, or if he'd know when or if he did. But he figured it was probably okay. He'd gone this long without knowing, so it had to be alright. It was one of those things he just wasn't supposed to worry over, maybe even one of those things he just wasn't supposed to have. Similar to talent, and he got by without that. Why would he need to know more about love beyond the surface-level stuff?
That was how he’d thought, until— until…
“That’s why, when you run into a wall… rely on me more!”
“…”
Something had broken then. Akito only realized later what the strange feeling swirling through his chest had been. He’d felt alive maybe three times in his life—the night of RAD WEEKEND (and the exact moment during it in which he decided to dedicate his entire life to desperately chasing that feeling again,) the night he’d brought shame to Crawl Green (when he’d wanted to be anything but alive,) and…
And when Toya had made it known to Akito that he was loved.
…
His gray eyes had been filled with… something. Something that the Akito of the past couldn't (and maybe didn't want to) identify.
Was it supposed to hurt, realizing for the first time that people cared about you? Sure, he’d cared about Toya, and now in the present when he knew more, he could confidently say he had loved Toya. Always. But, for whatever reason, he didn’t think that feeling, even though at the time he didn't know what it was , would have been returned.
Thinking over all of it now, he really hadn't known anything back then, had he…?
He wasn’t sure if he deserved it. That was why it hurt. And it was also why he'd taken An and Kohane's interruption as a chance to get out of there as fast as he could, which hurt even more, but he convinced himself it was okay.
He thought… he'd thought Toya shouldn't love him, not yet, not in the state of inadequacy he was in. So it was okay for him to run. Toya was wrong. He had to do this. He had to…
For two years he’d been caught in an endless cycle of hating. Hating himself, hating the world that made him this way, hating the selfishness that made him wish he was half as good as everyone else.
It surprised him that anyone could do anything but hate him. Especially when, in his eyes, he was just so obviously not good enough.
He got so used to the idea of doing things on his own forever that he didn't realize there was even a chance he wouldn't have to. But Toya (and the Vivids, but primarily Toya) continued chasing after Akito over and over and over again even when all he would do was push others away. Even as he ran off to his next event, his partner's words stuck in his mind.
That day, he realized people cared about him. They didn't only care about him as a person on the same team or someone chasing the same goal. They also cared about him as… Akito. They cared about him personally, for reasons unrelated to their shared dream.
Everything clicked a few hours later. That was what love was.
It surprised him. It still surprises him a bit now. Sometimes he still questions if he deserves it. He questions the way Toya loves him specifically, wondering from time to time if he means it. But when he slips his hand into Akito's, or when he casually compliments him in a way he doesn't see coming, or when he offers to stay with him when he starts to spiral back down into older ways of thinking… when he just does everything he can, how can Akito not believe him?
The more it happens, the less it hurts, and the more natural it feels.
Little displays from his teammates start to show Akito what love is more and more, and all of a sudden, he sees it everywhere he goes—every step he takes is filled with it and fueled by it.
"It feels like… I mean, I can just…"
Love of music. Love of dreaming. Love of friends, of the family he had found. And those same things were what drove the people all around him, too. The people on Vivid Street, the people he went to school with, even just those he'd only met briefly—he could just see it in all of them. Being able to understand it all made him feel as if a blindfold had been lifted from his eyes.
Living is loving. He gets it now. How had he ever survived not knowing? How had he ever thought he could make it if he didn't know? (And it wasn't like it was just an emotional breakthrough, either. The realization had improved his performances—he had a deeper understanding of what motivated him, and that deeper understanding prompted deeper love, and so on.)
There were so many things you couldn't do without love, without care. Both care for people and from people. He couldn't say he fully got anything, but no one could, right?
He just wanted to understand as much as possible. That was the answer.
"Honestly, it feels like… coming up for air after being trapped underwater," Akito finished.
(He suppressed a laugh thinking of himself from a few months ago, stuck in his ways of bitterness and hatred and everything else, and how he wouldn't believe any of this was real for even a second.)
Toya hummed in response. "You're quite the poet, Akito."
"What?"
"It's no wonder you write a lot of our lyrics."
Akito felt his face get hot. He turned to the side, hiding as much of it as he could. "Come on, man…"
There was a small rustle as his partner stood and moved so he could see Akito's face, prompting him to just glance to the side instead. Toya reached out and brushed some of Akito's orange hair out of his eyes—and, come on, now he had to look at him.
He's pretty.
"I should be saying that about you," Toya replied simply.
Akito groaned. "I said that out loud?"
Toya laughs. It's probably the most beautiful thing Akito has ever heard. No, he can't take it anymore—he moves forward and pulls a surprised-looking Toya into a kiss.
Despite everything, he's most interested in learning more about this kind of love.