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Ever since Dan was young he had always noticed words. His mother would pull him onto her lap and mess his curls as he lent sleepily into her and asked for her to read his favourite story by nudging her with his head. She would sigh fondly and pull the tattered copy of ‘Winnie the Pooh’ off the shelf next to them and begin the story. Dan would always be out by the time she finished but he never failed to ask for the story again and again.

As Dan grew he fell more in love with words, how they made him feel and how they understood how he was feeling.

But he could never say them.

Dan was born mute and all his childhood he had wanted more than anything to be able to speak, to vocalise his emotions and cry when he wanted to. To him the world was playing a sick joke by making him love something he could never have. This anger and confusion came to a head when he turned 6 and realised there were words on people.

It was a normal Thursday afternoon and Dan had come home from Nursery and was in the kitchen with his Mum (who was working from home) making cookies. Well, his mother was anyway, Dan preferred to sit on the counter and swing his legs as he licked the bowl of cookie dough, asking his Mother impossible questions. His mother was wearing short sleeves which was not out of the ordinary, however something that day was different and Dan’s eyes caught onto black lines curling out of her shirt sleeve.

‘Mummy, what’s that?’ Dan signed to his mother, pointing at the black curls on her shoulder. Dan’s mother looked at her shoulder and back to Dan, with a mixture of love and sadness in her eyes. “Oh, Dan, sweetie, I’ve been meaning to tell you about this… everybody in the world has this, it’s a tattoo I guess and you get one when you turn sixteen. It tells you who your perfect match is, a soulmate. The tattoo is so important because, um, it’s the words that will stop you from doing something reckless… the words that save you…”

Dan smiled wide for a moment, mind churning at the possibilities for his future, who his future soulmate would be, what they would look like. But then he stopped and looked up at his mother and his smile began to fade in realisation. He couldn’t speak. How would his soulmate ever hear his words if he couldn’t speak to them? His heart broke. As he stared at his mother, wide-eyed, mouth falling open, tears unwillingly began to fall.

“Oh, Daniel.” His mother lifted him to her chest and held him as he began to sob into her shoulder, “You were always a smart boy.”

When Dan was twelve all anyone ever talked about was the tattoo. To make things worse, people would always talk about it around Dan and then realise he was there and shut up quickly with looks of pity and sadness for him. It infuriated him but he couldn't even voice his anger beyond silent screaming motions and tearing at his hair.

His teachers were always talking about what to do when you met your soulmate and how to react and treat them upon meeting them. Dan would sit at the back of the class with a book and pretend he couldn’t hear them because they weren’t really talking to them him anyway.

There was one time when his class had a substitute teacher take them as their usual teacher was sick and boy, had that been fun. Mr Preston had walked in all smiles and stern encouragement making sure everyone was taking part in discussion but also not misbehaving. As usual, Dan was sat at the back of the class reading and not paying the slightest bit of attention and (yet again) another soulmate discussion was started when the sub picked him to answer a question.

“You, um, Daniel is it? Right, Daniel when you first meet your soulmate what must you refrain from doing?” He had asked Dan haltingly and then looked firmly at him.

Dan looked up from his book and at the man standing over his desk. He lifted his hand towards his pen to write an answer and-

“Um, Sir? Dan can’t talk! So he can’t answer you!” A shout from across the classroom.

Dan stopped.

“Yeah! And because he doesn’t have a voice, he can’t say the words so he doesn't have a soulmate!” Jeering from in front of him.

“He’s kind of a freak!”

“And he has no friends!”

“Why would anyone want him as their soulmate anyway?”

The class began laughing and then shushing each other when the teacher began stammering. “I’m sorry, Daniel, I hadn’t been informed…” At least Mr Preston had had the decency to apologise. Dan nodded and pretended he wasn’t nearly in tears.

“Anyway Class, back to the discussion…”

Dan kept his face buried in his book as he began to cry silently.

When Dan’s friends one by one turn sixteen they all get their tattoos. Each one is unique and funny and sweet and every single one of them makes Dan’s stomach drop and heart hurt. His friends’ understand this and always try to play down their happiness at their coming-of-age party when everyone is gathered around a table waiting for the tattoo to appear or viewing it if it had already. Dan hates the look of pity in their eyes when they begin to play off the importance, “Oh guys it doesn’t matter that much, it’s only a silly tattoo! It’s kind of stupid anyway, we have no clue when we are going to hear these words anyway, any of you guys could be my soulmate and I couldn’t know it for years! Yeah, stupid, if you ask me…”

He understands them wanting to comfort him but all it does is remind him of how different he is and make him feel guilty for spoiling their day.

At his best friend Jess’ birthday party, everyone sits around her on the floor after opening her presents and waits for her to feel the burning sensation that comes with the tattoo’s appearance. She exclaims when she feels it, burning up the outside of her right thigh and begins itching frantically. Someone grabs her arm to stop her from damaging the tattoo and then it’s over. She pulls up the side of her skirt to reveal the black curling ink trailing up the side of her thigh and ending at her the beginning of her calf. ’Wow. Sorry, but you are the most talented person I’ve ever met.’

 Dan reads it and smiles happily for Jess. It’s a lovely message compared to some of his other friends, who have insults and curse words painted over their body. But regardless of the content every single tattoo is beautiful and makes Dan wish he was anyone else. He knows he never will feel the way Jess feels in that moment.

But then when he, himself, is sixteen he wakes up with a red hot burning itch at his hip and he panics because he knows what this pain means, it’s what his teachers have been teaching him for years, what his friends have been dreaming about, but he can’t possibly be feeling that pain because he’s different and he will never have a soulmate. But then he rushes to the mirror, tugs down the waistband of his underwear and there in dark black cursive sprawling along his right hip, across his stomach and ending at his left are the words, ‘I’ve known you for 6 years and I have never once in that time wanted to replace you with someone who could speak’.

Tears immediately spring forward as he collapses onto his knees and holds his face in his hands as he stares at the words in shock, awe and happiness. A loud shout rips from his mouth as he begins to sob. His mother runs into the room and sinks down next to him and holds him and asks frantically, ‘Daniel, Daniel what is it, what’s wrong?” She looks down at where Dan’s gaze is fixed and gasps in shock pulling away from him quickly and covering her mouth. Dan’s father runs into the room then and stops at the scene before him. Dan crying, semi-naked whilst his mother holds him and sobs with him. “What is going on?” He demands to know, and Dan’s mother lifts her head and says softly through her tears, “Dan has a tattoo.”

Dan and his friends had spent his sixteenth birthday theorising and discussing how the tattoo was even there and what it could mean.

“Maybe it could mean your soulmate can speak sign language?” His friend Beth had said suddenly, interrupting the group’s thoughtful silence.

“Yeah, and it says they have known you for six years on the tattoo, right?” Ben had said sitting up with excitement. Dan nodded. “Well, they will know you really well and they’ll probably understand you completely by then, you’ll probably have your own secret language!”

Dan laughed at that. It was fun, and unique, knowing his soulmate existed even though he couldn’t speak to them, years of anguish and pain had been wrong and he had a hopeful mind-set now, he was no different to anyone else sat around him.

But then a grave thought occurred to him.

He scribbled his words down on his notepad quickly and held it up to his friends, eyes wide and fearful.

‘What if they don’t have a tattoo at all and then they think I’ve died or that they’re fucked up because I don’t exist?’

His friends all exchanged looks and then looked at Dan with the look.

Dan frowned and flicked to the pre-written page that read, ‘STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!!!!’ and shoves it towards his friends. They all looked around guilty before Jess piped up saying, “I’m sure they do have a tattoo, Dan, and anyway you have a tattoo so they are obviously out there and you’ll meet them one day!”

It wasn’t much of a comfort but it made Dan realise that there was hope, as long as his soulmate held on, he would meet them one day. With hope he could deal with this.

He found the channel by complete accident, mindlessly searching through YouTube when he came across it. It was nothing to behold from an artist perspective, the video wasn’t particularly good quality and the audio was quite crackly, but when Dan clicked the link on a whim he knew there was something special about ‘AmazingPhil’.

Boy, was he right. ‘Phil’ had a northern accent and longish hair and his words were, well, amazing. He was so creative and inventive and he seemed like he truly cared about putting effort into his videos. Dan clicked on one with the title ‘My Soulmate Experience’. He knew he was just setting himself up for heartbreak by listening to happy soulmate stories where everything turned out great for everyone. All that would happen was he would feel hatred at his happiness and then disgust and guilt at said hatred, but regardless he clicked anyway.

The video started off as normal with Phil saying hello to the audience and then talking a little bit about the topic of soulmates and explaining some basic concepts about it for younger viewers. However, where Phil should then have started to talk about how he met his wonderful soulmate, he stopped and said, “Unlike most of you watching, I don’t have a soulmate.”

This was new. Dan had expected cute anecdotes and sweet stories of longing after someone and they turn out to be your soulmate, but Phil? Phil didn’t have one.

The video continued on in the background to Dan’s racing thoughts and when he tuned in again Phil was saying, “I was born without a soulmate tattoo, I do not have those special words that someone will say to me, and that has never mattered to me. See, like everyone I believe that soulmates exist and that true love is real. I want to find the person that is perfect for me and that I was destined for, but instead of destiny picking my soulmate, it’s great because I get to choose them.”

Dan paused the video quickly, mind racing, heart pounding. There were people who didn’t have soulmates? This changed everything.

Dan pressed play again and listened as Phil described his experience meeting people online who were the same as him and that there were forums and communities where people with no soulmate tattoos could meet and talk. As usual the video ended with Phil asking for people to comment about their own opinions and experiences and that there were links below to resources.

Dan clicked on one of the links and settled in to begin some heavy research.

Dan considered himself well-read on the subject of soulmates enough to contact Phil and talk to him. It was a risky move he knew, Phil probably wouldn’t even reply and then Dan would just feel awkward and embarrassed, or if Phil did reply it could end up very badly if he said something that offended Phil.

After a few moments of hesitation Dan bit the bullet and typed out a DM to Phil on Twitter. ‘@Amazingphil Hey, I watched your most recent video, the one about having no soulmate, and I just wanted to let you know that it really helped me. I was born mute so all my life I’ve been worried that my soulmate would think they are a freak or something because they have no soulmate tattoo. But knowing that there are loads of people out there with no tattoo makes me feel hope that they are okay, and if you are okay with having no tattoo, maybe they could me as well. So, thanks.’ It was a little formal but he didn’t really know exactly how to address Phil and the last thing he wanted to do was throw Phil off or offend him, so formal was good for now.

Dan hit send and then began to panic. What had he done?! He spent the next half an hour swapping between feeling like spewing his guts and elation at his bravery. He was in the middle of pacing up and down his room muttering silently to himself about what a mistake he made when his computer made a dinging sound. He tripped over himself to get to it and when he saw that Phil had replied he held down a screech of joy.

‘@danisnotonfire Hiya Dan it means a lot that you enjoyed my video and that it helped you! :3 I meant what I said in the video, if you want to talk more about your own experience I’m the ears for your mouth.’

And then another message a couple seconds later:

‘actually ignore that ears thing that’s creepy XS’

Dan let out a bark of laughter and felt immense relief that Phil wanted to talk to him. He tapped out a reply to Phil quickly and waited for the next reply.

‘yeah it really helped :3 um so basically i was born mute and i understood that i would never have a soulmate because i couldn’t say the words but then when i was 16 i got my tattoo and i realised that i did have one but maybe they didn’t realise that i existed because they wouldn’t have a tattoo. i spent years worrying that they were going to hurt themselves or do something reckless because of it. but you really helped me and now im not so scared :)’

‘That sounds hard but cool! Tell me more im super interested now! :D’

As they conversed Dan felt something lift of his shoulders, as if the weight of the worry and stress he had been carrying for all these years had been erased by each word exchanged with Phil. He felt new hope and excitement bloom in his chest, the prospect of amazing years ahead of him.

 “Dan?” came a loud shout from the kitchen, followed by a large crash and a thud. “Little help, please?” Dan rolled his eyes but pushed up from the sofa he was reclined in and headed towards the kitchen to help Phil.

‘What?’ Dan signed towards Phil who was standing in the middle of a large mess of cutlery and utensils, and was covered in flour from head to toe. “I may have been trying to cook something and… this happened…” Phil replied sheepishly and then gestured around him to the mess of food and cooking equipment. ‘You idiot, here let me help’ Dan signed back before stooping over to clean up the disaster.

Things had changed a lot since Dan was eighteen and sucking up his courage to message Amazingphil for the first time. Dan and Phil had begun steady conversation about soulmates which had bled into other topics and after finding out the shared the same interests in, well, everything, they had become fast and almost inseparable friends. Twitter had turned into Skype which meant long video chats speaking about meeting one day, and when they had met for the first time in Manchester and Dan had thrown himself at Phil and hugged him tightly, Dan knew that this was right, Phil was right.

After some long discussions and convincing arguments on Phil’s behalf, Dan had started his own YouTube account where he did what Phil did and talked about issues and who he was. The only difference was, Dan signed it all (with captions at the bottom of the screen, of course) instead of speaking it. At first Dan was worried no one would be interested in watching him sign but there were a surprising amount of deaf and mute fans who found Dan inspiring and his community of fans grew larger, some speaking sign language and appreciating the uniqueness of the videos and others there for the stories and Dan’s creativity.

Then, not long after the creation of ‘danisnotonfire’, Phil and him had moved in together and now were living in London with fairly successful careers, not to brag.

“Hey Dan?” Phil called as he wiped himself of the flour, “Have you made any progress on that soulmate video yet?”

‘Yeah, I think I’m going to do it today, maybe tomorrow.’ Dan signed sloppily back, knowing Phil would understand most of it.

Another wonderful thing about Phil was his compassion and adaptability. When he found out Dan could speak sign language he had thrown himself head first into learning it so he could communicate better with Dan. Dan had doubted his ability to stick to it, he had friends promise in the past to learn before and not gone through with it, but surprisingly Phil learned sign language and in return Dan ditched the pen and paper pad.

“I would do it today, y’know, get it out of the way? Then you’ll stop worrying about it so much.”

Dan nodded in reply and began thinking about how he could format the video.

Fans had picked up from early on that that because he had no voice, he couldn’t speak to his soulmate and therefore he probably didn’t have one. There were always prying comments, some nice and genuine, some questioning and curious, others concerned, others full of hatred and disgust, but he ignored them all and avoided the topic for as long as he could. It began to become too much when his audience began pestering his friends to talk to them about Dan’s situation. Phil had come to him asking him, almost begging him, to please answer their questions because they wouldn’t stop asking him and he didn’t want to be the one to answer them.

After thoughtful consideration he realised that he needed to reply to the questions if not for his friends’ sanity then for the fact he could help others out there who may be in the same situation. So he tweeted announcing a Q&A on the topic and within minutes he had thousands of questions about his ‘soulmate situation’. In fact #danssoulmatesituation became trending on twitter. Dan realised he maybe should have done this sooner.

So after he and Phil had finally cleaned up the mess in the kitchen, he set his camera up to film and carefully chose questions. ‘So @_janice01011__ asks ‘do you have a soulmate?’ Basic question, basic answer. Yes, yes I do have soulmate. I thought that I didn’t because I couldn’t speak but turns out, I do have one, and that I do have a soulmate tattoo, yay.’

‘This twitter user’,  Dan pointed to the bottom of the screen where the twitter handle flashed up, ‘says ‘because you can’t speak, does that mean your soulmate doesn’t have a tattoo?’ That is correct. My soulmate most likely doesn’t have a soulmate tattoo and probably doesn’t even think that I could possibly exist, and that’s something I have to live with. But it’s because of people like Amazingphil that I understand that not having a soulmate tattoo isn’t the end of the world, Phil doesn’t have one and he’s doing fine, right? So I have hope that one day I’m gonna meet them and then when I do I can tell all you haters out there “Ha! Thought I was a freak, think again!”’

Dan broke off into an awkward laugh at his impression but continued powering through the questions. Some were harder to answer than others but he tried to keep it light-hearted and honest throughout the filming and then if he had to work some editing magic so be it.

After Dan finished filming he fell into the same panic he always did before uploading a video that held importance to him and went to Phil for comfort. As always, Phil knew just the remedy. Pizza and watching TV was a sure-fire way to make Dan feel better and Phil was always ready to use this knowledge to help.

“How did the filming go?” Phil questioned as they sat together, half-heartedly watching Attack on Titan.

‘Alright I think, some of the questions were tough to answer but I think I did a good job. I just hope people understand and don’t mind that I didn’t show them my tattoo…’ Dan signed back quickly, before resuming eating. 

Phil frowned quickly before muttering, “Well, if people have a problem with not seeing it, then they aren’t very good fans are they? Everyone knows you shouldn’t share around your words with people you don’t trust. Not that you don’t trust the audience but-“

‘Yeah, I get it, you wouldn’t want to give them the power to manipulate the situation and say the words when they aren’t being said. I don’t want to show anyone my tattoo, the only people who have seen are my parents and my friend Jess. I mean I haven’t even shown you…” Dan stopped signing suddenly, and looked into Phil’s eyes and began moving his hands quickly, ‘You don’t mind that I’ve never shown you right? The only reason Jess saw was because I saw hers first and she wanted us to be even-‘

“Whoa, Dan, slow down, I got like 10 words of that, no I don’t mind you’ve never shown me! I understand it’s a private thing, and I respect you decision not to show anyone.” Phil finished with a smile. Dan smiled back and signed ‘Thanks, Phil’.

The response to the video had been good, with most people understanding or resonating with Dan’s message. The overall response had encouraged Dan to take bigger steps and be more honest with his audience and his mood had considerably brightened.

SCREECH!

Dan blew his emergency whistle loudly to call for Phil. He and Phil had decided it was a good idea for Dan to have it in case Dan got into trouble and needed to call for help as he could only make loud ‘shouty’ noises when he really, really tried.

Dan smirked slightly to himself as he heard large and rapid thuds coming down the hall before Phil swung the door open, panting a little indicating how fast he had run. “Dan, Dan are you okay? What happened?!” Phil walked quickly over to Dan, surveying him, face changing from scared to confuse when he saw that Dan was completely unharmed.
“Why did you blow the whistle if there wasn’t an emergency?” Phil asked, annoyance ebbing into his tone.

‘Well I can’t exactly just call you can I?’ Dan pouted at Phil’s reply.

Phil frowned, “Well, you could have texted me Dan! Or got up and come to see me! I thought you were in trouble! I thought we agreed that you would only use the whistle when it was important…”

‘I don’t know where my phone is and I didn’t want to move… Why would I stand up and walk when I could just whistle? And anyway, talking to me is important’ Dan leaned back, smirking wider at Phil.

Instead of the small smile and laughter that Phil normally gave when he caved into Dan’s joking attitude, Phil just looked annoyed. Pissed off, even. “Dan. You can’t scare me like that for no reason whilst I’m busy working and then expect me to want to joke around and talk to you!” Phil’s voice had curled into something darker, and Dan began to wonder if he had crossed a line.

‘Phil… I’m really sorry-‘

But Phil wasn’t even looking at Dan. He was clearly angry, more so than Dan would have expected for this kind of situation. “You just don’t get it. When you blow that whistle I think that you are in trouble. Like dying, in trouble. You can’t just abuse me like that by making me scared for your life and then trying to play it off! It’s not fair!”

Dan almost recoiled in shock at Phil’s anger, Phil would normally want to talk to him at any time but apparently not right now. Phil’s gaze was firmly set on Dan now, glaring at him. Dan just looked down and nodded, ‘I get it. I’m sorry for scaring you, I wanted to talk to you about the soulmate video, but it’s fine.’ Dan got up and walked out of his room quickly, head turned away from Phil’s gaze. Phil’s face crumpled when he realised how angry he’d gotten and how hurt Dan looked.

“Oh, Dan, no wait-“

Dan had already gone.

The thing about Phil is that he is perfect. Not perfect like in films or books but he’s humanly perfect. He is kind-hearted and non-judgemental and he cares for Dan and makes sure Dan is comfortable. He never pries into Dan’s personal affairs and he waits for Dan to tell him something instead of demanding answers. He is always sweet to everyone and where some people might be weirded out or off-put by the actions of his audience he never got angry or publically shamed anyone. He was human though, and he had flaws, like when he ate Dan’s cereal after thousands of times of him telling him not to, or when he would sing really loudly whilst making food and not even realise it and in those moments Dan wished he could sing along with him. But that was the best part, Phil was different, he didn’t pity him or ignore his disability, he had learned sign language for Dan, he made sure Dan was comfortable in social situations, he appreciated Dan for who he was. His flaws were perfect too. He was all that Dan could ask for.

In return, Dan made sure he was open with Phil and that Phil never felt too pressured to be sweet and caring and when Phil got mad about something, which he rarely did, Dan would let him channel that silent anger into something else, or he would talk with Phil about what was upsetting him. In Dan’s own opinion, he wasn’t perfect; but he was human and he could try to be a better person, be more like Phil. Even if his flaws were a lot more obvious and harmful than Phil’s.

 If anyone looked at Dan and Phil they would say that they deeply cared for each other, maybe more than friends should. Which wasn’t entirely a lie. Dan was maybe, sort of, kind of, just a little, teeny, tiny bit in love with Phil. Just a bit. But how could he not be, when Phil was… Phil?

Fan speculation of them being more than friends started way back when, at the beginning of their online interaction, when ‘danisnotonfire’ was still newly created. Thousands of questions, comments, tweets, messages all about ‘Phan’. ‘Are you dating Phil?’ ‘Are you and Phil together?’ ‘OMG is phan real????!!!!’ At first it was funny and he and Phil had some laughs about it but after a while it began to touch on a nerve, as Dan realised with more and more certainty that he loved Phil.

He realised it over time, but the final nail in the coffin had been when they moved into together. It was in the little things the Phil did like yawning and readjusting his glasses sleepily, making tea for the both of them, his laugh, his sneeze, even the way he snuck Dan’s cereal, though Dan did his upmost to pretend it bothered him. Slowly, Dan fell deeper and deeper into his affection for Phil.

It was pointless for Dan to wish for his feelings to be reciprocated, Phil had never given even the slightest indication that he liked Dan in return. But no matter how pointless it was, Dan couldn’t stop hoping and dreaming that maybe one day he would.

There had been one incident, though, when they had first moved in together all those years ago that had made Dan realise his affections, gave him a glimmer of hope. It was the first incident, but it wasn’t the last. (In fact, they just seemed to keep on happening more and more frequently, as if the universe was trying to tell them something.)

Dan had been unboxing kitchenware in the Manchester apartment when Phil had walked into the kitchen. “Hey, fancy getting take-out tonight? It’s not like we can cook really,” Phil had asked from behind a stack of boxes piled on up on his arms. ‘Yeah sure, but I’m picking though’ Dan had responded and smiled softly as Phil watched carefully at every hand movement to make sure he understood it all. A few moments later after Phil had processed the reply, he had groaned and complained, “Why do you get to pick? You always get to pick,” Dan had smirked back, ‘You get the better room, I get food choices. Fair is fair!’
“How is THAT fair?!”

Dan knew he was teasing Phil but it was too much fun to stop or let up.
‘Just is.’  Dan stuck his tongue out at Phil and resumed unpacking the boxes surrounding him. “You’re acting childish, Dan.” Phil spoke, lightly. Without looking up Dan signed ‘I get to be, I’m younger than you and therefore more childish, despite what your subscribers may think’. Phil frowned lightly, but his frown slowly disappeared and was replaced by a sly smile. “Hey, Dan.”

Dan was halfway through replying ‘what’ when he felt a mound of balled-up bubble wrap hit the back of his head. He shot around to face Phil who was looking back steadily, mouth spread wide in what could only be called a ‘cheeky grin’.  ‘Did you just—‘.  Dan’s reply was cut short by another load of bubble wrap hitting his face. He caught the bubble wrap as it fell and threw it back towards Phil. ‘Don’t interrupt me when I’m--‘. Dan stopped signing again as more bubble wrap hit him and Phil began to laugh, softly at first then louder and louder as Dan got more and more flustered about being interrupted. Bubble wrap didn’t even hurt, this was more about principle. ‘Right. That’s it.’ Dan collected as much bubble wrap in his arms as he could and began launching it towards Phil, who in return squeaked at the impact and then laughed again. “Bubble wrap fight!”

What should have been a minor incident turned into all-out war as both Dan and Phil organised their weapons (crumped bubble wrap) and arranged battle stations (hid behind moving boxes), and began their battle. Dan launched projectile balls of wrap at Phil over the boxes hoping to hit him from the air, when he heard a surprised squawk he knew he had succeeded. “Not fair, Dan!” Dan sniggered from behind his defence line and readied his next attack. Seemingly out of nowhere Phil appeared over the boxes and upturned an entire box of sellotaped bubble wrap balls all over his head. Dan jumped with shock and scuttled back from Phil who was laughing his head off. “Weren’t expecting that now were you, Daniel?”

Dan knew this was the moment. It was now or never. If he didn’t act now, he would regret it forever. In a last ditch attempt, he charged at Phil who was distracted, laughing at Dan’s reaction, and crashed into him, effectively toppling him over. All the breath went out of Phil’s lungs as he made impact with the (thankfully covered in bubble wrap) floor. “D-Da..n…” He managed to wheeze out, and then began silently laughing. Knowing that Phil wasn’t actually hurt Dan couldn’t help but laugh along as well and the two of them lay there on the floor laughing at how silly they had been.

Dan looked up from where he was lying with his face against Phil’s chest with considerable effort (he was a bit winded from the fall too, but he would never let on to that) and realised where he was lying, whohe was lying on. Dan’s breath caught as he stared down at Phil’s face, who’s eyes were (thankfully, oh thank you, thank you, thank you) closed. He could kiss Phil right now, all it would take is to lean in a little further and- wait, what? “I like Phil?” Dan’s brain helpfully supplied, and years of confusion all made sense.

 As if the devil on Dan’s shoulder had been speaking to him itself, Dan found a sudden swell of confidence at Phil’s closed eyes, without Phil’s cool gaze on him he felt powerful and capable. He began to lean in when Phil’s eyes opened.

Phil had been blissfully unaware of Dan’s internal struggle, more focused on getting his breath back but when he opened his eyes again, the effort might as well have been for nothing as his breath left him. Dan was so close. If he just leaned up a little and-

Dan flushed bright red and shot up from where he was lying on Phil and stumbled back clutching his chest in the attempt to steady his breathing. Phil slowly sat up, confused at both Dan’s and his own actions. “Dan, are you alri--“. Dan’s eyes widened at darted up to look at Phil and he quickly signed, ‘that was funny sorry about making you fall like that anyway better get back to unpacking oh look some boxes for my room I think I’ll gointhereokaybye’ and then stood up and darted out of the room in record speed, leaving Phil staring after him, confused, unsure and slightly disappointed.

Dan slammed the door to his room shut the second he entered it and slid down the now closed door, bringing his knees up to his chest and hiding his face in his hands. He was still bright red and breathing heavy. He couldn’t believe what he nearly did, what that nearly cost him. And Phil saw, Phil knew! Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god- Dan knew that he was going to have a panic attack if he didn’t calm himself down so he fished through his pockets for his phone and stuck his headphones earbuds in and hit play on any song. Slowly, chords and soft melodies filled his ears and he began to breathe in time to the slow music. Feeling as though there wasn’t any immediate danger anymore, he slid down the door into lying position and placed an arm over his eyes as his breathing began to even out.

Fuck.  

The second incident involving him and Phil at close proximities was an unexpected thing. After an awkward makeup about the whistle incident (Phil had brought Dan his favourite cookies, an offer of a new anime and a heartfelt apology as a peace offering that Dan couldn’t resist, and Dan agreed that using the emergency whistle was a bad move and slowly over the night they had forgiven each other and the two were on comfortable terms again.) Phil had asked for assistance.

 Phil had been dedicated to learning BSL fluently for Dan (“And other people too, Dan, there are loads of people who speak sign language and it’s a cool thing to learn!”) for years, but there are always new words to learn and had asked Dan to give him some help with new vocab (tutoring would be a better fit) and of course Dan couldn’t say no when Phil is going to all this effort to do this (for him). 

So they had sat down inwards on the sofa facing each other with their legs crossed and for the next hour there was no talking.

‘Ok Phil so no talking. First I will hold up a flashcard with the word on it and then I will sign the word.’

“Okay—“

Dan poked Phil lightly in the shoulder, ‘No talking’

“Sorry, er, I—“

Dan looked at Phil.

‘Got it’

And they started. For half an hour everything went smoothly and Phil was picking up everything well without much need for repetition and Dan was relaxing into the motions, signing, explaining, and Phil repeating. It’s quite a soothing process if Dan is honest and he began to bring his guard down.

Phil is having particular trouble with the sign for ‘resistance’, moving his hands in the wrong order and although Dan had shown him three times he still wasn’t getting it. Huffing slightly, (but with no anger, everyone needs patience in order to learn) he moved closer to Phil. ‘Okay, Let me just do it for you’.

Dan took Phil’s hands in his own and made the motions with him, focusing solely on Phil’s motions, flat palms, Dan slid his fingers along Phil’s so his palms were against the backs of Phil’s, against chest, pressed their hands against Phil’s chest, then again lower, then moved their hands down and pressed against Phil’s chest again, then cupped palms, Dan moved Phil’s hands and cup them inside his own, right moves forward into left, and moved one into the other lightly. He was so busy focusing on their hands that he didn’t realise Phil had stopped breathing. Looking up without moving his head he realised how close his face was to Phil’s, how wide Phil’s eyes were and how red his face was. Dan could feel his own face heating up and he moved forward on a whim and Phil didn’t move away.

With their hands still clasped together, Dan leaned forward and pressed his lips to Phil’s own. For a moment Phil doesn’t respond, he doesn’t kiss back or back off, or even push Dan away, and Dan’s has heart palpitations, he thinks about everything he’s ever done in his life and how this is the worst thing ever and what the fuck has he done?!

Dan rips away from Phil and begins breathing heavily. He can feel Phil’s heavy and confused gaze on him but he ignores it in favour of boring holes into the floor with this shocked stare. A familiar feeling of deja vu hits Dan because he’s been here, he’s done this before. He makes a move to stand but finds he can’t move his body no matter how hard he wills it. His breath becomes shorter and he begins to panic. He can hear Phil talking in the background, a slight tremor in his voice but he can’t respond, he can’t make out any words. What has he done? He’s fucked it all up, ruined it. Phil won’t ever want to have anything to do with him now and look at him, he’s having a panic attack just from kissing someone, Phil will think he’s pathetic and after he stops shaking Phil will ask him to leave and then he’ll be all alone and whatishegonnadoohgodohgodphilhateshimohgodohshitohfuckphilphilhateshimsomuch-

He feels Phil press a hand against his back and things start to become clearer again. “-know I’m not supposed to touch you when you panic but you were going into shock and I didn’t know what else to do! Are you okay, Dan? I just need to know you are okay.” Dan nods feeble, all his energy drained from him and realises he’s crying. He can’t bring himself to look at Phil.

 “Dan? Dan. Listen to me. If this is about the-the kiss it’s fine, sometimes people do things when they don’t mean to, y’know, in the moment and I can see this has affected you a lot so we can just forget it, okay? It doesn’t matter to me. I don’t hate you.” Dan’s eyes widen as he hears Phil’s words, fresh tears shedding and leans into Phil’s touch. Phil takes this as a good sign and brings Dan closer to him, effectively cradling him in his arms as Dan continues to sob silently, occasionally startling Phil and himself with loud, broken noises. Phil pets Dan’s hair and repeats like a mantra, “I don’t hate you, it’s alright, and deep breathes for me, okay?” And slowly Dan starts to calm down and stops crying. He doesn’t move from Phil’s arms though, and when Phil looks down from where his head is rested against the top of Dan’s he sees why.

 Dan has fallen asleep, energy drained from the panic attack, on-top of him, and Phil being Phil can’t bring himself to move him. So Phil leans back and adjusts Dan so he’s in a more comfortable position and lets them rest there on the sofa. He doesn’t stop stroking Dan’s hair. He sighs. He really wanted to kiss Dan.

When Dan woke up he was back in his own bed. Phil was sitting at the end of it, watching him carefully making sure that Dan was okay. “Sorry, I moved you. You were kind of lying on me for a while and then I realised you needed a proper sleep somewhere more comfortable so I brought you in here. You were out like a light though, didn’t even stir.” Phil murmured softly, though loud enough that Dan could hear. “Are you alright now?”

Dan nodded feebly and moved his hands up to sign a reply but Phil shook his head and pushed Dan’s hands down back to where they were resting. “It’s alright, I know what you are going to say and it’s alright. We can just forget about this whole situation, I promise it won’t change anything.” Dan looked deeply into Phil’s eyes to see if there was a glimmer of a lie but Phil was smiling softly, concerned and Dan knew Phil wouldn’t lie to him right now.

Dan nodded again and fake smiled in response. Phil seemed to buy it and stood up from Dan’s bed. “Alright, I’m going to go make dinner, you get some more rest and then I’ll call you when it’s ready alright?” Dan nodded once more and Phil left his room shutting the door gently behind him.

Dan felt his face redden once more as he remembered exactly what had happened just prior that night but didn’t allow himself to panic again, instead he just breathed deeply and reminded himself that Phil was cool, he was kind and wouldn’t hurt Dan like that on purpose.

He allowed himself to fall into a light sleep and when he woke again to the sound of Phil’s voice calling him, all thoughts of the incident were cleared from his mind.

The overall response of the video may have been good but a few months after the tutoring incident Dan was beginning to see the bad side of it all. It was only a text post that had appeared on his dash, but to Dan it was so much more.

‘Guys, this just occurred to me. Now I know we all pretend Phan is real (well hope) but here’s something I think as a Phandom we’ve never thought about, bizarrely. So we now know that Dan does have a soulmate tattoo, and he told us that his soulmate most likely doesn’t have one. This is probably true and makes the most logical sense, and who do we know that doesn’t have a tattoo? Phil. It makes sense, they are very close to each other and have known each other for over 5 years now and Phil has no tattoo and Dan’s soulmate doesn’t have one. Of course, it would be ludicrous to just assume that this means they are soulmates but let’s look at some other defining factors…’

The Tumblr post continued on in much the same fashion stating all the reasons they’d be perfect together and are basically already married, throwing in gifs here and there of them looking longingly at each other or laughing. It was too much for Dan, in the moments he had spent reading the post, he had allowed him to hope again. Shutting his laptop screen quickly, he jumped up off his bed and began to pace. Thoughts were flowing through his mind and he couldn’t contain them, pacing was the best way to allow freedom to think. He knew that maybe loudly pacing whilst mouthing out your internal thought process at 3AM wasn’t the cleverest idea (or most thoughtful idea for that matter) but he couldn’t seem to stop.

It was only when Phil entered his room, a little groggy and basically naked (ok he was wearing PJ bottoms, but still) that he realised how much noise he was making and that he had woken Phil up. “Dan what on earth are you doing?” Phil mumbled out, mind still clouded with sleep. “It’s three in the morning, some of us are trying to sleep.”

Dan tried to look as apologetic as possible and cover up how anxious he was feeling over the post but it must not have worked because Phil’s face softened and he came closer to Dan and asked softly (again, in the same tone that made Dan want to cry with longing), “Are you feeling alright, what’s happened?” Dan’s eyes widened and he forcefully held back the tears threatening to flow and looked away from Phil sharply cursing himself. He was such a fucking idiot! Why when Phil literally ever speaks to him ever does he want to break down and sob? He needed to pull himself together, he couldn’t keep letting Phil see him like this.

“Seriously, Dan what’s wrong?” Phil asked again, more anxiety spreading through his voice and oh no, he would not let Phil get scared. Without looking at Phil, without meaning to, Dan pointed to his closed laptop resting on his bed and then braced for the worst. Phil took a couple of minutes to read through the post and when he had finished reading he let out a soft “oh.”

Dan was nearly clawing at his face with shame and anger at the situation he had been forcibly placed in. He turned to face Phil and quickly signed, ‘It’s alright Phil, it’s fine, I’m fine. Leave it.” Phil looked unsure from where he was sitting on Dan’s bed and replied quietly, “It might be alright to you, but I’m still worried and confused about why you reacted like this to… this post…” Dan could feel a panic coming, oh he knew it and he knew that he couldn’t let Phil baby him again, this couldn’t become a routine.  ‘Phil I said leave it.’ Phil’s face morphed into a frown. “No, Dan. I’m confused, answer me.”

‘No. Go away.’

“Not until you answer me, Dan, I want to understand why you’re so upset over this silly post, is it the Phan part you don’t like? Or that people are talking about--“

Dan let out a harsh, piercing noise in anger and then clutched at his throat. Dan never made noises like this, he’d tried, he couldn’t. Fire began to spread through his throat and he felt like throwing up. The pain was unbelievable and on-top of that didn’t even know how he’d even made the noise. Very quick barking shouts he could do, he could laugh and make crying sounds but he couldn’t scream. He looked up, eyes wide, to Phil who was looking back at him equally scared. ‘Phil. Help me,’ and proceeded to fall to his knees on the floor. Phil was there in a flash, Dan’s quick and sloppy signing all the permission he needed to run to aid.

There had never been a situation like this and Phil didn’t know what to do. “Dan, what’s happened, where does it hurt?” But Dan wasn’t responding, he was too busy switching between sobbing and breaking off in pain. Phil took on a more assertive tone and repeated his last statement which shocked Dan out of his stupor a little. ‘My throat feels like it’s on fire.’ Dan signed back, wincing in pain. Phil did the first thing he thought to do and stumbled up, dragging the taller man with him and basically lent him over his shoulder as it didn’t seem like Dan was going to be moving any time soon. All thoughts regarding Dan’s freak-out forgotten, Phil stumbled to the kitchen dragging Dan along and fumbled for a glass. He filled it up with water and handed it to Dan who proceeded to drink it like it was an antidote to a life-threatening poison.

After Dan had chugged the entire glass down, he stood up from Phil and walked over to the sofa a little wobbly, and sat down heavily. He looked towards Phil, who took that as an invitation to join him. ‘Look at me, I’m a mess. Crying over the smallest shit.’ Dan sighed, ‘It hurt so much, and I don’t even know where it came from. I’ve never made a noise like that in my life before and I’m thankful I haven’t because it hurt. so. much.’

Phil clutched his hands together nervously in his lap as he didn’t know where to place them, they were itching to touch Dan and comfort him but he wasn’t sure if his touch was wanted in that moment. “You’re not a mess! You’re human and you react like others would, don’t say that about yourself… and I’m sure it’s fine. You just got really stressed and angry and you let our emotions subconsciously vocally and of course your voice box didn’t like that so it just… started hurting. Nothing big, I promise. But if you want you could go see a GP and make sure that nothing’s really wrong.” Dan nodded back in agreement, ‘It was probably a spur of the moment thing, but I’ll probably see a GP anyway, just to be sure.’

 There were a couple of moments of quiet companionship before Dan signed again, ‘….Can you come with me?’  Phil nodded immediately and replied confidently, “Of bloody course I will.” Dan coughed slightly, cheeks reddening, ‘I mean just for like translation or whatever, what if the doctor I see doesn’t speak BSL?’ Phil held back a laugh at Dan’s cover-up, “Oh yeah, of course, what would you do without your human translation machine, that’s all I’m good for, right?” Dan spluttered and hit Phil lightly on the knee, hiding a smile.
‘Damn straight.’  
With Dan’s freak-out forgotten and both of them wide awake, they settled in to watch a movie (Phil let Dan pick to apologise for making him upset, not that Dan knew that).

They fell asleep on each other bathed in the light of the television, both with silent smiles plastered on their faces, and in the morning Phil made pancakes.

So many more incidents had happened since the Tumblr post that Phil was beginning to lose track. It was like they were happening every day by now and the tension between them was building and building. Dan would slip and Phil would catch him and Phil would lean in and then Dan would run away really quickly, leaving Phil to sigh about how stupid he is. Or once, and this one’s a biggie, Phil had fallen down and had grabbed onto Dan’s shirt to try and stop himself but had overbalanced Dan causing him to fall with him. Onto him. Dan was sitting on Phil. Phil was distinctly reminded of when they had first moved in together and how that incident had ended and vowed to not let it end the same way. Just as he was about to pull Dan down into a kiss, Dan shot up from where he was sitting on Phil and made some vague signs with his hands that wasn’t really sign language at all and then fled quickly (as usual). Phil just dropped his head backwards and let it hit the floor. Wooing someone was harder than it looked.

Dan slammed the door to his bedroom shut, knowing Phil would hear it. His thoughts were confirmed when Phil shouted, “Oh, real mature!” from the living room. Dan didn’t care though, he was so angry. He was fuming and he couldn’t even properly express it to Phil without hurting himself or potentially getting lost in the signing. He didn’t understand why Phil never had time for him anymore, why he was still so hung up on Phil when they barely even conversed these days and most of all, why he freaked out at the mention of ‘Phan’.

The argument was over something so silly and immature, if he could go back in time he wouldn’t have even mentioned it, but now Phil was angry and that was his fault. Pointing things out, making them bigger than they needed to be, Phil never got shouty during arguments so Dan knew this time he had fucked up.

Unable to scream properly, Dan did the next best thing and hit the wall harshly. He drew his hand back with a hiss of pain and clutched it. Nope, not broken. And sickly, Dan kind of wished it was, so he could have something else to focus on besides his anger and longing, something to tell Phil and make the situation alright. He could tell Phil his hand was probably broken, Phil would get worried, assess it and then comfort him through the pain. Then they’d watch a movie and fall asleep together. Perfect.

Except it wasn’t and he couldn’t go to Phil. Because Phil was angry at him this time, not the other way around. Dan would be honest enough to admit that he had caused the argument by persistently pestering Phil but Phil’s reaction had been different to Dan’s expectations and instead of that broken feeling he normally got at rejection, he just felt anger. Anger he had expressed poorly to Phil, and that is why he was currently pacing his room, huffing under his breath.

He didn’t understand why they were fighting more than usual, why they couldn’t get more than 5 sentences out without one of them getting angry or upset. Maybe all those weird moments where Dan had nearly confessed, nearly done something had piled up and broken Phil. He understood that Phil just wanted to forget all of them, he had made that abundantly clear, but how could Dan forget? It was his literal dream to be with Phil, nature of the relationship regardless, but he could feel Phil drifting away and he wasn’t so sure how to bring him back.

Dan felt hot angry tears slide down his cheeks and wiped them away furiously. Where had all this fighting and awkwardness come from? Did Phil really not want to talk to him? If so, Dan could feel his heart breaking already.

Phil didn’t come to Dan’s room that night with a movie or an offer of food, and Dan didn’t leave his room at all. To Dan, everything was falling apart and no one was picking up the pieces anymore.

Dan had been the one to apologise and Phil had smiled tensely and agreed to move on. So things were back to normal, or at least they should have been. Things just didn’t feel right anymore. Like they weren’t DanandPhil, more… Dan. And Phil.

Phil wasn’t trying to ignore Dan he wasn’t, truly. But he was so caught up with work and the book and the radio show that sometimes he didn’t have time to waste like Dan seemed to. He knew Dan thought that he hated him. It wasn’t the case, but they had been arguing more recently and Phil wasn’t sure if he was causing that or Dan. So he decided to just be civil and things would eventually fall back into place and soon they would be the best of friends again, the awkward nerdy British duo like always.

At least, he hoped they would.

It was officially six years since they had met and conveniently that weekend there was a Youtuber arranged party after an ‘important meeting with YouTube’ in LA. Dan didn’t particularly want to go, but Phil was so excited so he couldn’t say no and risk driving another wedge between them.

So Dan had packed his bags and flown over to LA (with Phil by his side, and when Dan fell asleep on the flight over Phil had watched him, his eyes soft and longing). Landing in America was a thing he had done many times, but it never failed to give him a rush of excitement and nausea at the same time. Now that he was here he was feeling much more excited at the prospect of the party (boring mandatory meetings aside) and seeing all his friends that he saw, like, twice a year.

They went through customs and then headed to the hotel quickly, Dan eager to get away from Phil and break the tension seeping through the silence. Luckily, friends of theirs were staying at the same hotel, and Dan could go see Louise and complain to her about how awkward things were these days whilst she thought of ways to help. Smiling at the imaginary conversation he had already mentally scripted, he realised Phil was talking to him and he didn’t have the slightest clue what he had said. “…yeah, mmm, so I’m sorry about that, okay? I think if we just try to be like it was a year ago we might be able to sort this out.” Not wanting to let on that he had missed the top end of the conversation, Dan simply nodded and signed, ‘Right, got it okay. Cool.’ Phil beamed at his reply which made Dan regret his decision. What had he just agreed to? He couldn’t ask Phil now, that would be so awkward and embarrassing. Dan resigned himself to the fact that he would never know and hoped that whatever Phil had been saying wasn’t that big of a deal.

Phil suddenly slung his arm over Dan’s shoulder and said, fairly loudly, “Okay then! Let’s go have a look around!” Dan was fighting off an extreme blush at Phil touching him but also confusion at why Phil wastouching him. Phil hadn’t made any contact with him in weeks, why now? Was this something to do with what he had agreed to? Dan inwardly cursed himself at his idiocy and smiled at Phil in reply. His internal debate about whether to kindly blow Phil off or stick out what could be the most painful and awkward evening of his life was answered for him when Phil grabbed his arm and dragged him out of the hotel room. Oh fuck, what had he done?

Phil’s mood had been all smiles from the moment in the hotel onwards and Dan was fucking confused. Literal hours ago Dan was sure Phil hated him, or barely tolerated him at least. Now, here Phil was laughing and smiling and talking avidly with Dan about everything and Dan wasn’t upset about that fact, oh no he was overjoyed to have Phil back, he was just confused as to where this new (old) attitude had come from.

“And Peej and Chris will be at the party as well, and we haven’t seen them in ages so it’ll be nice to catch up with them, y’know?” Phil was still talking in the background of Dan’s racing mind, and Dan was simply nodding along, a little dumb-founded but trying to keep his composure. “I think we’re supposed to be meeting Louise in 5 minutes, I texted her and she said she’d come meet us, cool?” Dan nodded once more and honestly smiled. Although he was confused he wasn’t going to let Phil slip away from him again and began to move past his (apparently) blindsided composure.

‘Yeah, I haven’t seen Louise in a while, it’ll be nice to see her again.’

Phil was fed up with the tension and silence between them so he decided to just apologise and ask if they could go back to normal. When Dan had agreed (although a little reluctantly Phil noted) he couldn’t help but feel hope. This would sort out everything he was sure, because if they were both willing to try to get ditch this awkward atmosphere then it would be gone soon enough.

Talking with Dan normally again felt weird. A good kind of weird, but still weird. He also felt like Dan wasn’t really responding very much, but tried to brush that thought aside. Everything was alright.

Seeing Louise again was awesome. Dan hadn’t seen her in a while and she was always fun to be around. She was also the only person who knew about Dan’s feelings for Phil.

So when Phil left to go order for them why wouldn’t it be the perfect time to ask Dan about his love life?

“Dan, seriously, have you told him yet? I mean you’ve kissed him and not told him?” Louise sounded disappointed, which, hey, come on, it’s not his fault Phil always says to ‘forget about it’.

Louise was still in the process of learning BSL so she could talk to Dan more fluidly but she had a ways to go so Dan responded with text. He typed his reply on notes and then held the phone up to her. ‘He doesn’t like me like that. Honestly. If he did, surely he would have said something by now?’ Dan looked at Louise pointedly, hoping his point was getting across.

Louise just rolled her eyes in response. “You never know Dan. And I really think you should go for it. I think he really likes you”

Yeah, well, she’d eat her words if Dan actually did.

It was at the party that night that everything finally came together.

Dan and Phil were talking to some friends they hadn’t seen in a while, the usual crowd (Tyler, Louise, Zoe, Alfie, Troye, Connor, etc…) and they were becoming particularly loud. Everyone was stood in a circle and was basically shouting over each other with excitement. Tyler had just had the most awesome idea and now everyone needed to shout about it. And Dan couldn’t get a word in at all, nobody bothering to even look at him for input, forgotten in all the commotion and excitement.

His friends were normally very good at supporting Dan and made sure he could always input but the influence of both the alcohol and the atmosphere had obviously made them prioritise other things.

Dan looked to Phil for some help, for Phil to calm everyone down and remind them that, hey, Dan can’t actually shout. But Phil was right there with them, grin plastered to his face, having the time of his life. Dan was forgotten.

Dan had had enough and stepped back away from the circle unnoticed and it closed as he left, trapping him from re-entering. Dan stormed out of the party and into the street where everything was much quieter and clearer. Phil didn’t even care enough to talk to Dan at parties anymore. So, it was official. Phil hates him.

He shook his head and blinked away his angry tears. Fine! If Phil didn’t want to have anything to do with him, then Dan wouldn’t have anything to do with Phil. He would pack up his stuff when they got back to England and find a new place to live, where he wouldn’t be a constant burden for Phil.

His mind began racing with impulsive and reckless thoughts, all angry and revenge-driven. He didn’t notice Phil stumbling over the front step and looking around for him. He didn’t notice Phil as Phil jogged towards him. He didn’t notice when Phil called his name.

He only noticed Phil when Phil tapped him on the shoulder and turned him around. “Why did you leave the party? I asked someone where you went and they said outside. Getting some air?”

Dan ripped his arm from Phil’s grasp and stepped backwards, off the pavement and into the empty road. ‘Don’t touch me.’ Phil’s face contorted into worry, “Why not? What’s wrong? Is it me, have I don’t something?” Dan just stepped further away, avoiding Phil’s gaze. ‘You know what you’ve done.’ Dan signed angrily at the ground.

“No, I really don’t! I thought we agreed at the hotel to try and put this behind us! So can you please tell me so I can try and make it right?!” Phil was becoming exasperated at Dan’s stubbornness.

‘You basically ignored me in there! Everyone was shouting over the top of each other and I wanted to speak but I couldn’t! And then, when I looked to you for help, you didn’t even look at me, you didn’t stop once to consider me. And that’s selfish. But what’s worse is that I expect that of you. I expect you to limit your own fun so that I can be a part of this too, when it’s clear that I don’t fit in and that I’m a burden and a joke to most people here. I’m a burden to you, that’s for sure. All you ever do is go out of your way for me, to make me feel better, more comfortable, happier, more at ease and you go without so I can have. And I will be immeasurably grateful for that. Always. But right now, I can’t take it. I can’t keep doing this and living this lie. I’m not the same as you, and I never will be as hard as I try. You’re so cool and calm about everything, I mean you don’t even care you don’t have a soulmate! When I first thought that it ruined me, it ruined my life. I’m not as strong as you are and I need to stop pretending to be. So I’m gonna move out when we get back, I’ll find somewhere else to live, I’ll be fine. It’s time you lived your life properly, Phil. With someone who can reply when you call.’ 

Dan breathed out deeply. It had taken him a while, but he had finally realised what that dark, hateful feeling was stirring in the pit of his stomach. It wasn’t hate for Phil, it was hate at himself for ruining Phil. He had gone through a lot of emotions in that big speech but now? Now he was feeling empty. He looked to Phil for a reply, an apology, for Phil to beg him not to leave. But Phil wasn’t saying anything, Phil was just standing there with his mouth open in shock. With a sigh that reflected so many wishes and hopes being simultaneously destroyed, Dan turned around and began moving across the road away from Phil.

“I’ve known you for 6 years and I have never once in that time wanted to replace you with someone who could speak”.

Dan stopped still. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t breathe. Did Phil actually? It was Phil who had said that, he had never shown Phil his soulmate tattoo, rarely ever talked about it, and Phil respected his privacy so he never would have sneaked a look. Phil actually just said the words. Phil. Phil was his soulmate.

Suddenly, in a flash, a massive lorry came storming down the road that Dan was crossing over. It was definitely speeding and it definitely would have killed Dan if he had kept walking. He was suddenly engulfed by Phil’s arms and Phil was hugging him tightly, crying into his shoulder. “Oh my God, Dan, I could have lost you, you could have died. Oh God, please don’t ever, ever, do that again!”

It hit Dan all at once, Phil was his soulmate, Phil didn’t know this because he didn’t have a tattoo and wouldn’t have Dan’s end of the conversation on him, and Phil was hugging him.

Phil was his soulmate!

Tears flooded Dan’s vision as he turned around in Phil’s hold and hugged him back tightly. Slowly his knees gave out and the two of them sank to pavement together, still embracing. Phil eventually pulled back from Dan, who was by now a blubbering mess and asked Dan, “Why did you stop walking?”

‘Because you’re my soulmate.’

Phil’s eyes widened and mouth dropped open, “What? How? I don’t have a soulmate, how can we be..?” In reply, Dan reached down to the hem of his shirt and lifted it slightly so his tattoo could be seen.

Phil blushed, stammering, “What are you doing? Why are you lifting your- oh.”

There, in soft black curves, still as present as the day it arrived, was Dan’s tattoo. Phil’s eyes widened even further and words failed him. “You’re my soulmate?” He eventually got out. Dan just nodded though his tears and gave a small watery smile.

Then Dan signed to Phil quickly, ‘I want you to know. My tattoo means a lot to me, so this confirming everything is perfect. I know you don’t care about soulmates but I want you to be happy for me that I’m happy about this. This means fate has decided for us to be together, even if it did fuck us about for a while. I also need you to know, I don’t love you now because of the tattoo, I’ve loved you for years and I’ve just been a colossal twat at telling you. I’ve loved you since forever, this really confirms it. But I would love you with or without the tattoo anyway.’

Phil clutched at Dan’s face with shaking hands and brought their lips together. There wasn’t a spark, or fireworks or something magic, but there was Phil and that was all Dan needed, truthfully. Phil pulled back after a long moment and then pulled him into a tight hug. “Good.” Dan closed his eyes and let Phil hold him and let the moment wash over him. Everything would be good from now on.

(In 5 years’ time, Dan will remember all this and cringe at how weird and awkward he acted. But he will still smile fondly at how happy he was and how well everything turned out.

He will be startled from his thoughts by Phil, calling for him from the kitchen where he is making their dinner (Pizza? Dan thinks so at least) and Dan will reluctantly get up and walk there.

When he enters the kitchen, he will look around and see no one in there and then turn around to see Phil standing behind the door with tomato puree (Definitely pizza then) all over his arms, face, and shirt. He will jump out of his skin at the sight, and then roll his eyes affectionately and let Phil drag him into a hug, then a kiss, and he will then notice the puree smeared into his new shirt. ‘Love…This shirt was brand new and you knew that.’ Dan will sign whilst frowning and Phil will laugh loudly and happily, perfectly content in that very moment and will wrap his arms around Dan and hug him tightly again. Dan will sigh outwardly so Phil knows he’s still annoyed, but will hide his grin in Phil’s hair.

Of course, Dan doesn’t know about the ring that Phil’s got stashed in his bottom drawer. The one that Phil will bring out that night after dinner and will propose to Dan with it, whilst still faintly smelling of puree.

(Of course Dan says yes.))