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December. The month is full of snow, families gathering on that one special day, decorated trees, gifts, and all of that Christmas shit. For some people, it is their favourite period of the year. For others, not really. Eddie’s not certain which side he’s on. On the one hand, he is thrilled to spend Christmas with his beloved friends, even if it is a short dinner at the fire station before the bell rings.
His heart grows when he’s surrounded by his loved ones or when he sees Chris excited to open his presents. On the other hand, he misses Christmas dinners at home. Only he, Christopher, and… yeah, there’s someone Eddie lacks in his life.
Eddie lacks a partner. He craves to have someone whom he can love with all of his heart. Someone to love him back. To have his back. He misses what he and Shannon used to have when they were teenagers, long before their marriage, and before he had enlisted, and then did it again. When they didn’t argue every single day. He’s never really built anything like this with anyone else. At least, not in the way he’d love. In a few years, Christopher’s going to go to college and Eddie will end up alone in his house. He’s scared.
It’s been so long since everything. Months have passed since the lightning strike, playing poker with Buck, the bridge collapse, Marisol. He’s different. Everyone’s gone through something in these past few months, leaving them changed. Eddie feels torn between himself. He’s not so sure who he is anymore after his recent discoveries.
On a warm Friday evening, he’s staying at his house with Buck. Christopher’s at a friend’s house for the night. It’s only them. They’re in the kitchen. The kitchen where they talked about the shooting shortly after Buck’s accident. The kitchen. No matter if it’s either his or Buck’s, lots of memories were made here and there.
Eddie’s sitting in the chair, sipping his third beer, and watching Buck doing the baking magic. They are trying this new recipe for gingerbread cookies they've found online. His best friend did most of the steps of the recipe and Eddie had the opportunity to cut the dough into shapes. He’s also going to decorate them once they are out of the oven.
“We should give them from ten to twelve minutes,” Buck says, closing the oven and grabbing his beer. He looks at Eddie with a smile on his face. They both miss each other very much. They used to hang out most of the week. Recently, it’s been every now and then.
“You could’ve given me something more to do rather than just cutting out shapes,” Eddie replies, pretending to be touched by this.
“Yeah…” his friend laughs. “Most likely, you would’ve added too much flour or dropped the eggs on the floor.”
Ha-ha. Hilarious. “You’re so funny, Buckley,” he rolls his eyes as he says that, “You’re hurting my feelings.”
He pouts. Him not being able to make something more than eggs and sandwiches for breakfast has been a running joke for a long time. He knows he’s not the best cook, but he’s trying. Actually, he has to thank Buck for teaching him new recipes.
They’re looking at each other for a while. Eddie doesn’t remember when was the last time they were alone. Just the two of them without Chris around, the 118, or Natalia. His heart hurts at the thought of Natalia. He knows why and hopes his little secret will never see the light of day. She’s been around since that accident where a car crashed into a living funeral. Buck had a crush on her basically since their first conversation. Less than a few weeks later, they became a couple.
Here’s the thing — Eddie likes her. He doesn’t see her as a bad person or something (she’s not the red-headed demon, thank God). Natalia is kind, funny, and beautiful (lots of men would agree with this; Eddie doesn’t really pay attention to her appearance, though). No wonder Buck fell for her. At first, Eddie wondered how much Natalia had in common with his best friend. He knows that their relationship wasn't without problems at the very beginning, e.g. the sperm donor thing.
In the end, they made it. Their relationship has developed and Buck seems very happy. Eddie wouldn’t be surprised if these two ended up moving in together soon. He’s happy for him. He really is, no matter what he’s going through inside his mind and heart right now.
Moments after Buck had got together with Natalia, Eddie came across Marisol in a hardware store. That was the period when his aunt tried to set him up. Firstly, Eddie didn’t feel a need to find a girlfriend, much less want to be matched with someone by Pepa. Despite this, he was the first to call Marisol and ask her out. He hoped it would work. They didn’t last even a month together. They lacked chemistry, as Hen once said after Marisol visited them for dinner at the fire station. Fortunately, they parted ways in peace, knowing that nothing would come of it. They still have contact with each other. Hen was right, though. He felt no attachment to her, no flame. They didn’t even have sex with each other.
Eddie is well aware that the main reason why this didn't work was what he realised while talking to Buck at the cemetery. It happened mere weeks after Buck had died and came back. Nearly losing him opened Eddie’s eyes.
Buck is the most important person in his life after Chris. Eddie loves his smile and his blue eyes that you can drown in. It warms his heart when he sees Buck getting along so well with Christopher. Eddie can't stay mad at Buck. Well, he can, but not for too long. Eddie loves their trips to the zoo. He loves it when Buck cooks for him and makes fun of Eddie’s cooking skills. He also loves Buck wearing his clothes while spending the night at Eddie’s place or when they ride in the car together. They’ve got each other's backs. He loves everything about Buck. He loves him. Correction. He is in love with Evan Buckley. How could he not be?
“I feel like she sees me,” Buck told him.
Six words that hurt. Similar feeling to someone kicking you hard in the stomach. That was the moment when Eddie knew. Knew that what he felt for Buck was no longer friendly or even platonic.
He loves him. He wants him. He needs him. How could she possibly see Buck more than Eddie? It was Eddie who restarted Buck’s heart. He tried to pull up Buck’s lifeless body. Eddie cried in the hospital room. It was Eddie who was scared that his best friend might never wake up again. It was Eddie who nearly lost the love of his life. And he couldn’t have him. He can’t have him.
That moment also helped Eddie confirm his suspicion of not being completely straight.
Buck checks the gingerbread cookies in the oven. Eddie lost track of time wandering through his thoughts. Or perhaps, because he’s staring at Buck nonstop. His friend is currently standing with his back turned to him. He can’t stop staring. He’s simply enchanted by the view — Buck’s wearing his favourite grey sweater that hugs his body very tightly. Eddie looks up to see the curls he’s so fond of. He’d give a lot just to touch them. Hold them. Play with them. He’s sure they smell like eucalyptus. It was Buck’s best decision to grow his hair out.
The man turns around and takes a sip of their favourite beer. His eyes finally land on Eddie's face.
“You know,” he takes another sip, “I’m thinking about asking Natalia to move in with me after Christmas,” Fuck. Eddie doesn’t let Buck see that his smile immediately faded. He needs to put on his ‘Everything is fine’ mask.
“Oh, wow. This is… That’s nice. You’ve been together for months. I’m surprised you didn’t ask her sooner,” he tries to joke, so he smiles and hopes that he doesn’t sound weird.
“Yeah,” Buck also lets out a quick laugh, “I just wanted to wait for a while. Make sure this is it… and I think it is.”
Double fuck. Eddie feels sick. He looks down at the table. Maybe it’s just the alcohol making him dizzy. “I’m happy for you, Buck,” are the only words that come out of his mouth. Buck sits down across from him. He looks at Eddie with a playful stare, not knowing that his friend slowly starts to feel like he’s on the verge of a panic attack.
“By the way,” he says, “when can I expect you to get back in the action?”
“What do you mean?” Eddie is confused.
“Dating!” he exclaims, “I still want to go on a double date with you and your future lady,” Eddie looks at his face again. Buck’s definitely tipsy.
“I don’t know, Buck. I’m not really interested in dating at the moment,” I’m interested in you, is what his heart screams.
“Well, it’s just the fact that Maddie and Chim’s wedding is coming. I mean it’s months away, but still… Wouldn't it be uncomfortable, if you came alone? Without someone to accompany you when everyone else is in a relationship?” Buck looks at him with tenderness in his eyes.
Eddie is now sure that Buck is getting drunk because of how overprotective he gets. But it annoys Eddie. He doesn’t need to bring anybody to the wedding. What’s even this bullshit? He can have fun on his own, surrounded by his friends. It will be his friends’ big day and he will be coming there to celebrate their happiness.
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” he says quietly.
“I just want the best for you, man. You deserve someone good. The date with Vanessa failed,” (seriously?), “then Marisol. I can see that you crave love, Eddie. It’s obvious,” Buck says all of this slowly, keeping his eyes on Eddie. He would give anything to fill the void in his friend's heart.
“Thanks,” Eddie murmurs, “but we should drop this topic. Focus on the cookies, Buck.”
Buck just snorts and gets up from the table to check the time on the tiny screen by the oven. “Maybe if you’re so unlucky with women, you should try with men,” he jokes.
Eddie should laugh. Do anything to avoid making Buck suspicious. Do it. Do it now. But he stays silent, unable to move. Immediately, he feels shivers run through his entire body and his heart beating faster. On the one hand, he wants to avoid the impending conversation, but the voices in the back of his head are persuading him to confess. To come out. It’s the alcohol. Eddie is terrified. There is a long, uncomfortable silence between them. But the real fear washes over him when Buck turns to him, an unfamiliar expression on his friend's face. He knows.
Eddie looks down at the table. He doesn’t understand why he is so afraid. This is his best friend, of course Buck will support him. Eddie feels his breath quicken in time with his heartbeat, his eyes sting, and he tries with all his might not to cry. He knows that if Buck finds out what's going on, everything will be fine. Will it, right? So why is he so reluctant to say it? He doesn't understand whether it's shame or fear that Buck will start to suspect that he may have feelings for him.
“Hey, Eds?” Buck starts, “What’s going on? Did I say something wrong?” he worries.
Eddie can’t speak. There's a big lump in his throat. His hands are shaking.
“Eddie?! Are you having a panic attack? Please, speak to me,” Buck looks horrified.
“N-No. No,” that’s all he can choke out.
“Listen, whatever it is, you can tell me. I’m here,” Buck is now sitting right next to him. He places his hand on Eddie’s back. “Just breathe. Breathe, Eddie.”
Eddie is trembling. He knows he has a way out of this situation, although Buck probably already knows what it is. Who wouldn't have guessed? Eddie has already made the decision, but he still needs a moment to come to his senses. All this stress, all these emotions have been bottling up inside him for months, ever since he started to become more and more aware of what was happening. Typically, people discover their sexual orientation in their teens, not in their thirties.
Buck rubs Eddie's back and waits patiently. Eddie breathes in and out, over and over.
He merely opens his mouth, eyes filled with tears, “You know… I t-think that…” he stutters, “I might be gay?” Eddie squints his eyes, the tears fall down his cheeks, “Not gay. I d-don’t fucking know, B-Buck. J-Just not straight,” More tears are falling down.
Buck keeps looking at him with a soft expression. He doesn’t stop rubbing Eddie’s back.
“Okay. Is this something you’ve discovered recently?” he asks.
Eddie closes his eyes, trying to slow down his breath. Breathe in. Breathe out. “I’ve been aware for a few months. I just don’t know how to explain exactly how I feel. It’s so messed up.”
“Just say anything. I’m listening,” Buck manages to get Eddie to look at him. He smiles.
“It’s not that I’m not attracted to women,” Eddie pauses. He tries to find the right words. “The thing is, I don't pay much attention to the appearance of random girls I see on the street or TV. I don’t look at them in a sexual way, not really,” he takes a breath. “I feel the same about guys.”
Buck has the look on his face like someone told him two plus two equals five.
“I’m so confused right now,” he says. “Are you saying you’re not attracted to both women and men? Maybe you’re asexual?”
Although Eddie’s having an existential crisis right now, he finds Buck cute being so dumbfounded. “I didn’t say I’m not attracted.”
“But why did you say ‘gay’ at first?” Buck asks.
Eddie takes a deep breath, because he has to admit something he's still ashamed of.
“After Marisol and I broke up. I-” he starts, “I went to a bar and drank some beers. There was that guy who kept hitting on me and, you know, I was sad, and I was confused because definitely, something was going on with me and my sexuality… We ended up in his bed.”
Eddie has to admit that the first wave of stress has gone away, but that doesn't change the fact that he still feels terrible. He looks at Buck, who doesn't say anything. His friend is just looking at him with understanding and a hint of astonishment. “It was very awkward, but I liked it,” he quickly says.
“I didn’t expect that, but no judgment here. No worries,” Buck gives him a fond grin.
Eddie continues, “I was ashamed that I’d hooked up with that dude while being drunk. However, I got curious, so I installed one of these gay dating apps and hooked up with another guy. But it was the only time I did something like that. It was fun. That dude wasn’t creepy, but definitely, one-night stands are not for me,” he wipes his tears. “You see, I don’t want to have casual sex. I don’t want to go on blind dates. I just-” he doesn’t know how to explain this in the easiest way possible. “I don’t feel like I can create a bond with someone just because I want to be in a relationship. I don’t see a woman or man and go: ‘They are beautiful; I want to ask them on a date.’ The same goes for sex. The last time I got to have a strong emotional bond with someone was with Shannon. It all started with a regular friendship in high school. Over time, we became best friends, told each other everything, and were inseparable. Only then I began to notice her beauty and her charm. That's when I felt like I was starting to fall in love.”
Eddie and Buck. That’s the same situation. They have known each other for over half a decade. They tell each other everything (at least, they used to). They are partners at work. They understand each other without words. Before Buck got together with Natalia, they literally behaved like an old married couple. Buck is in Eddie’s will, for Christ’s sake. He’s supposed to take care of Christopher if something happens to Eddie. After all these years, Eddie has realised how attractive Buck is to him. How he can't take his eyes off his blue eyes, big muscles, or that goofy smile. Eddie's dream is to put his lips on Buck's, kiss his birthmark, kiss his entire body. He wants to have sex with him and wake up right next to him every morning. Eddie craves Buck, not someone else.
“That’s who I am. I think,” Eddie says.
Buck nods. “I'm not a sexuality expert, Eddie, but I honestly understand you and what you're saying makes sense. You don't need a label right away. Take as much time as you need to fully discover yourself,” he moves closer to Eddie and hugs him with all his strength. Eddie doesn't seem to know what to do with his arms at first, but he quickly hugs him back and buries his face in Buck's neck. He's still shaken, but luckily, he doesn't cry anymore. Buck rubs his back lightly to give him as much comfort as possible.
“Thank you,” Eddie whispers. He feels safe in Buck's arms. However, Eddie knows it can't stay like this forever, which he tries to accept. Fortunately, he managed to choke it all out and has to admit that he feels better. The most important thing is that Buck has no idea that Eddie has feelings for him. He will have to accept the fact that his best friend is straight and somehow move on. He believes deep in his heart that he will succeed. Nothing can ruin this momentary sense of peace. Nothing.
“If it’s any comfort to you, know that I’m bisexual,” he suddenly hears and his heart feels still, again. Eddie lets go of the hug, looking at Buck completely dumbfounded.
“What?” he asks, or at least, he thinks he does because of how quietly the words come out of his mouth. Buck is bisexual. Buck is attracted to men. He’s still processing what he’s just heard.
“I said I’m bisexual. I think this is the first time I’ve said it out loud to someone,” Buck says. He looks so vulnerable, but not as much as Eddie. “I don’t keep it a secret, just don’t feel like I have to come out,” he explains. “If someone asked me about my orientation, I would gladly answer.”
“How long have you known? Does anybody else know?” Eddie asks. He can’t believe what’s happening right now.
“I’ve been aware since I was… fourteen years old or something. You are the only person I’ve ever told about it, but I have a feeling that Maddie might know. I remember us playing cards with Chim and Josh, and he thought that she wanted to set us up. I never said anything about being straight,” Buck’s looking directly into Eddie’s eyes, sending him a warm smile.
Eddie’s mind is spinning. He could’ve had him. All that time, he could’ve asked Buck out, but he’s never seen him as an option. Was Eddie an option? He won’t stop thinking about this. What if Buck had a crush on him, but moved on? Eddie feels chills going down his spine. He can’t ask directly, so he says, “Have you ever done something… with a guy?”
Buck looks up at the ceiling. He’s bringing back all these old memories, “I had a crush on Franklin Barret. He was the captain of our high school football team. I was 17,” his face slowly turning red. “Back in my Buck 1.0 era, I used to hook up with random guys as much as with girls,” face now blushing furiously.
It doesn’t satisfy Eddie. Sure, he is pretty surprised to hear all that, but he still doesn’t know if Buck’s ever thought of him as more than a friend. Does he really want to know this? What if the answer is going to hurt? The last ten minutes were already stressful. It feels like hours have passed. He’s not going to do that. Do it. He isn’t prepared for whatever Buck may say. Ask him.
He looks right into his eyes, trying to read his mind, see through him. I want to see you! “Did you have a thing for a guy in your Buck 2.0 era or whatever the next era was? After Abby?” his heart is going to explode. He’s trying his best to put a fake smile on.
The smile on Buck’s face disappears, leaving an unknown expression. Please, say you love me. Say that you loved me. I need you. Please. I beg you. Evan. He takes a quick breath. “No… There was no one.”
Eddie doesn’t know what he’s supposed to feel at the moment. Where once was his heart, now there’s a void. They both jumped at the sound of the alarm going off. Buck immediately moved from his chair to pull the blisteringly hot gingerbread cookies onto the counter. Eddie sits still, unable to move. Once again, he feels tears gathering in his eyes. It’s over. It seems like Buck has never considered Eddie as someone he could date. Buck. His best friend. The man who’s like a second father to his son. Their son. His Buck. My Buck. As these two words cross his mind, he feels warm tears running down his face.
“Give it a while, and you can decorate them. They smell delicious. Do you smell that, too?” Buck turns to look at Eddie, and his face immediately turns serious. He puts the tray on the counter and is next to his friend in a second. “Talk to me, Eds. What happened?” he asks, sounding concerned. Eddie can't look at him and feels stupid because Buck isn't at fault here. It hurts him. However, he thinks he asked for it by continuing the topic. Was it anybody else, he would handle it. But it’s Buck. It hurts as hell.
Tears keep falling down his cheeks. He wants to cry like a baby, but he won't do it in front of Buck. He's already embarrassing himself enough.
“Do you regret telling me?” I don’t fucking know, “Eddie, everything’s alright, you have my support, and I won’t tell anyone. You don’t have to be scared,” Buck’s voice is trembling. Eddie isn't ashamed of who he is. He's just mad at himself because he brought this pain upon himself at his own will. He's not mad at Buck for being in love with someone else. That would be unfair.
He wants what’s best for Buck. If Buck’s happy with Natalia then he can’t ruin this. He can’t destroy their years-long friendship. He doesn’t want to lose his best friend. Does he regret coming out? He, for sure, does regret what’s going to happen next.
“Please, leave,” he whispers. He hopes that Buck doesn’t hear it, but he does. He feels awful, but if Buck stays any minute longer, things can turn drastically worse. “Buck, please. I want to be alone. Go home,” he doesn’t need to look into Buck’s eyes to know that the man next to him is so confused by the whole situation, most likely starting to blame himself for it.
“W-Why? I can’t leave you.”
“Please…” he can’t risk spilling more of his secret, “just go. You didn’t do anything wrong. I promise it’s nothing big. We will talk,” he wants to never talk about this ever again. Yet, he knows in the back of his mind that it won’t just go away. They will have to talk and he will have to come up with some excuse, but right now he needs to be alone. It’s too much for one night.
Buck doesn't say anything. He stares at Eddie with sadness in his eyes. There must be thousands of thoughts running through his head right now. He wonders if it's his fault. Buck fights with himself. He doesn't want to leave Eddie like this, but he knows Eddie won't give up. This guy is one of the most stubborn people he knows.
“I don’t know what exactly you’re feeling… I don’t want to leave you here alone, but if you need time to calm down, I’ll respect it. Just, please — call me if you need me.”
Eddie looks at him one last time, his eyes red and swollen, “I will. Thank you,” he says.
Buck gives him a friendly hold on his shoulder and stands up. Eddie doesn’t follow him. All he can do is sit here and listen to the sounds of Buck picking up his jacket and leaving the house. Once Eddie hears the door closing, he breaks. He lets it all out. This pain. He hasn’t been sobbing for a long time, but tonight, he’s ending this streak. He knows that he will curse himself as soon as he wakes up sober in the morning. The thought of his next meeting with Buck terrifies him.
Eddie gets up from his chair and leaves the kitchen, turning off the light. Their gingerbread cookies are left forgotten. He goes to the bedroom, where he’s hoping to shed all the tears that are in him and eventually fall asleep. Of course, sleep doesn't come that night.
Evan, Evan, Evan.
He can’t have him.
Merry Christmas, Eddie.