Chapter Text
Chapter 1: Awake, Arise
“Awake, arise or be for ever fall’n.”
― John Milton, Paradise Lost
Ella had still been avoiding Dan since their hook-up. Sure, they’d had to work closely together during Charlie’s kidnapping and the Kinley cult case, but she’d made a point to steer clear of him otherwise. Thankfully Chloe had been too torn up about Lucifer running off again to notice that things had been off between the two of them. No doubt she’d try to fix it and then Ella would have to confess that she’d slept with her best friend’s ex-husband…
The thought of Lucifer filled her with anger again. He hadn’t answered any of her texts, not even the gif she’d sent of that parrot dancing. She ripped off her gloves and reached for her phone. Still no missed calls. Battery fully charged, full signal. Well, Lucifer could only ignore her for so long. She speed-dialed the numbers 69 - a private joke they’d shared when she’d first moved to Los Angeles - and prayed he’d pick up this time.
So she didn’t have her guard up and was completely unprepared for Dan to enter her lab with a serious expression on his face.
You’ve reached Lucifer Morningstar, began the familiar message. Ella hung up without leaving a message, scrambling to think of an excuse to leave without being alone with Dan.
“Ella, look, I’ve been meaning to talk to you ― “ Dan began.
“Oh, you know…it’s fine, it’s, there’s no need for us to,” she interrupted.
“No, Ella, please.” Dan raised his hands in a praying gesture. “I need to say this. I was in a bad place and you were right, I was grieving for Charlotte, but that’s no excuse for the way I treated you. I…used you. I was just looking for anything to make me feel less terrible and I dragged you into my mess and then you covered for me and I’m just so, so sorry, Ella.”
He stared intently in her eyes.
“I took advantage of you. And you deserve better.”
The words hit Ella like her abuelita’s shoe. Dan thought he was the one who’d taken advantage??
“Dan, stop. Look, I regret what happened, too. But it wasn’t your fault. Or at least it wasn’t just your fault. It was mine, too. I…knew you were having a tough time and were backsliding and there’s a part of me that was drawn to that and look, it happened. It shouldn’t have. Let’s both just move on and forget it.”
“So then we’re good?” His hands of prayer transitioned into a hesitant double thumbs up.
“We’re good!” She tried to sound like her usual upbeat self.
Dan breathed out a sigh of relief.
“Okay, great, so we’re friends again, right? No more avoiding each other?”
Ella gave her best shot at a reassuring smile. “Right, yep, all good.”
“Thanks, Els.” He turned and left the lab.
Ella counted to five in her head and then walked into her lab’s supply closet, where she could close the door and would be safe from the glass windows of the lab. She didn’t want anyone to see her like this.
She flicked off the lights and locked the closet door. Sitting on the cold floor in perfect darkness, she hugged her knees tightly to herself. Ever since she was a kid, this was the only way she could ever stop herself from spinning out. Counting cards, stealing cars, learning Klingon… none of her past obsessions, distractions really, worked as well as turning off all the lights and letting the darkness, both in and around her, consume her until the fear and panic passed.
What she’d told Dan was only half the truth. She always fell into this habit with men, only ever drawn to the bad boys. She’d never found Dan attractive before. He was always just a friend and even more off-limits because he was Chloe’s ex. But then Charlotte died and well, they both backslid. Dan went back to being a dirty cop and Ella… well it’s like she could sniff the bad in a man.
What was wrong with her? She wished she could talk about this to someone, but Chloe was off-limits, of course. Lucifer was AWOL. In Florida this time, rather than Vegas, but still. Maze wouldn’t get it.
She’d barely thought the name before she felt aware of a sudden presence behind her. In one motion, she jumped to her feet, flicking the light switch and spinning around to see her oldest friend, Rae-Rae, standing in front of her in this locked closet like it was the most natural thing in the world.
“Rae-Rae!” She remembered she didn’t want anyone to hear and brought her voice down to a harsh whisper. “No! We said last time was the last time!”
“Hey, you called me this time!” Rae-Rae pushed up her glasses and gave Ella a soft smile. “You needed a friend.”
“I… I did,” Ella admitted. Her shoulders slumped. Rae-Rae’s appearance just once again confirmed that something was deeply wrong with her. “But that’s exactly the point. I shouldn’t be able to think of your name and call a, uh,” she stumbled over the word, “ghost to me! There’s something really wrong with me, Rae-Rae. This isn’t normal!”
“Ella, we’ve already talked about this: you’re not crazy! So you’re not normal. Normal is boring!”
Ella forgot she was supposed to be whispering and raised her voice again, her words rushing out.
“Yeah, so I’m special because I can talk to one ghost, you! But that’s not all! There’s something dark in me and no matter how hard I try to be good, I always fall back into the same patterns, I sleep with the same losers, hell, I slept with Dan! I knew he was in a terrible place, Rae-Rae, and that ― that was the only reason I even wanted him! I’ve even taken perps home with me. That’s dark!”
Rae-Rae was speechless for a moment, a first in their history. Ella could see her friend struggling to think of what to say and felt even more ashamed.
“See, even my ghost guardian angel can’t deny it!” Ella gritted her teeth to stop the tears in her eyes from falling. She refused to cry.
Rae-Rae’s expression turned stern. “No, Ella, that’s… look, yes, you’re dark. But it’s not your fault. It’s,” she hung her head, “it’s mine.”
A chill went through Ella’s body. Of course it wasn’t anything to do with Rae-Rae, but she could tell that her friend sincerely meant it. Whatever confession was coming, it was going to be big. For a brief second, Ella wished she could go back to before this moment. Maybe she didn’t really want to know why she’s like this. Maybe knowing why would be even worse. And there’d be no going back.
“I, look there are some things I can’t tell you, okay?” Rae-Rae began.
“More ghost rules?”
“No, it’s… okay, what if I wasn’t…a ghost? What if I was something different?”
“Not a ghost? So what, I really am crazy?” The tears fell anyway.
“No, Els, listen. You’re not crazy. And this is real. I’m not a ghost. I’m… something else, something… you’re not supposed to know about. And I’m sorry that that’s not a real answer, but trust me, that’s all I can say without making everything worse, okay?”
Rae-Rae pushed up her glasses again and then reached out to put both hands on Ella’s shoulders. Ella couldn’t help but gasp. She could feel Rae-Rae’s hands on her. They’d never touched before. Ella always assumed her friend didn’t have a physical form. Ghosts surely can’t touch people, but here was proof that refuted that. Or at least, proved that Rae-Rae was telling the truth and had never been a ghost this whole time.
Ella’s mind swam with the possibilities. The scientist in her wanted a concrete answer. Spiritual stuff, Ella could at least take on faith. Ghosts, sure. But if Rae-Rae was saying she wasn’t human, that wasn’t a question of faith. That was a question of science.
“Ella, are you still with me?” Rae-Rae bit her lip, hoping beyond hope that she hadn’t accidentally broken her mortal friend. She’d never wanted to risk telling Ella the truth, but she couldn’t lie to her anymore either. But she’d already started, already opened the door to this particular secret, and there was nothing left to do but walk through it. Lucifer had his pet humans who knew the truth, so how did he get around showing divinity to mortals? Half-truths, omissions. Rae-Rae could do that, too. Just for Ella. Just one more rule break…
Ella met her gaze and silently nodded. Rae-Rae let go of her shoulders.
“There are uh,” she paused to find the right word, “rules. About what I am mixing with what you are. And I broke a rule. The only time, I swear! I’ve never done it before! But I just, I made a choice when we first met. And I broke, well, kind of the only rule that really matters with my job.” She paused. Was this too much?
“When we first met? The car accident? Wait, what job?” Ella had so many questions, but she tried to focus on what to ask now. Like a puzzle, she could solve the whole picture later. Now it was about finding the right pieces.
“Okay, um, how to explain this? I have a job, okay. And that’s why I was there, that day, the day it happened or well, was supposed to happen. Uh, Ella…” She stopped again, biting her lip. There’d be no going back after this.
“Rae, spit it out.”
“Do you remember the car accident?”
“Of course I do.” Ella rolled her eyes, but couldn’t help but bring the memory to the surface. She’d been so young when the car flipped. There was so much broken glass, so much blood. It’d been a close call. “It was, you know, it was bad. I almost died.”
Rae-Rae opened her mouth to speak, then stopped. The look on her friend’s face made something in her stomach drop and Ella went cold. The puzzle pieces began to fit together in her mind, but the picture forming was something Ella didn’t want to see. Something maybe a part of her always knew, but the reality was something she couldn’t face.
“Hey! Hey, hey!” Ella was suddenly aware of Rae-Rae shaking her shoulders, this time to bring her back to the present moment. But the truth was flooding Ella, overwhelming her. She slowly dropped to her knees, pressing her palm flat on the cold floor, trying to ground herself.
“I. Died.” Ella heard the words more than she felt herself say them.
“No, Ella, that’s the thing. You didn’t. You didn’t die. I broke a rule. I… look, I’d never done it before, but you were just so interesting and your soul was so bright and you were so little!” The truth was rushing out of her now. “So I just broke the rule and I didn’t take you.”
Ella frowned, her eyes blurring as she tried to slow her thoughts and process what Rae-Rae was really telling her. It felt like the lab closet was spinning, but Ella knew it was just this mystery around her. There were so many questions, so many secrets, so much to process… she needed to focus on what she did know: she wasn’t dead. She knew that. This wasn’t an M. Night Shyamalan movie. Her pulse, her heartbeat, these were facts. Solid proof. She was alive. She didn’t die in a car accident when she was a kid. But, and she felt this truth in the pit of her stomach, she was supposed to have died.
As the thought settled, it felt more and more real. And, in some ways, made a sick sort of sense. The look the paramedics gave her when they pulled her out of the wreckage; how she always felt different from other people; even her own brothers knew she was strange and just accepted that about her; having a ghost for a best friend. The next thought clicked into place, a missing piece from the puzzle, obscuring the final picture. Not a ghost best friend.
Rae-Rae was still standing, looking awkward and uncomfortable, like she wasn’t sure what to do with her hands or how to help her friend. She looked worried, biting her lip. Her eyes were scanning Ella’s.
“Rae-Rae. What are you?” Ella asked the question matter-of-factly.
“Lucifer? Ella?!” came a voice outside the closet. Chloe was in the lab. Ella automatically turned at her name, before freezing and turning to see Rae-Rae. But her friend was gone, just as suddenly as she’d appeared.
Ella’s mind was still swirling as she unlocked the closet door and walked into the lab. She swiped at her face, quickly wiping any tears from her cheeks, and tried to make her expression blank. She’d told Chloe before about seeing a gho ― well, what she thought was a ghost. But she couldn’t tell Chloe this, could she?
She swallowed hard, her mind made up. Metaphysical crisis later.
“Uh, what’s up Chloe?”
“Have you seen Lucifer?”
Oh, poor girl. Deckerstar fan that she was, Ella could understand why Chloe would be at the denial stage. Ella, on the other hand, was still in the anger phase. Her body relaxed a bit as she remembered her anger at Lucifer. A friend leaving suddenly to go to Florida was a normal problem. She could deal with a normal problem.
“Oh, sweetie. It’s come to this. Full-on delusions. Look, we’ll get you through this.” Ella pulled her friend into a tight hug.
“No, Ella, he really is back! I saw him yesterday and there’s a new case, so…”
Ella pulled back, hug over. “Wait, Lucifer’s back? Like seriously back? And he still didn’t call me! Awesome.” Ella was now furious. “Not surprised though. He didn’t tell me when he left. Why would he tell me when he’s back?”
Chloe sighed.
“Ella, I know you’re bummed at him, and you have reason, but he also had a very good reason for leaving so suddenly. And, while he’s been gone, he’s sort of been through… well, Hell. So you know, if you could just cut him a little bit of slack.”
Ugh, as much as she hated to admit it, Ella knew her friend was right.
“I guess it would be nice to have good ol’ Lucifer around again,” Ella admitted. “I mean, I missed him, you know.” She meant it. And she knew Chloe had missed him, too. Even now, with Lucifer possibly back, Chloe looked sad, on edge.
“I mean, I don’t miss him like you miss him, ‘cause I don’t find him attractive. He’s like, my brother.” Ella awkwardly laughed. “Anyway, ha,” she gave Chloe a thumbs up to get over the awkwardness. “Um, you said we had a case?”
Dios, a case was just what Ella needed. Anything to put this whole business with Rae-Rae in the back of her mind. She’d focus on work and normalcy. Whatever it meant that she was never supposed to have survived that car accident… well, that could wait.
***
Ella surveyed the crime scene once more, camera poised and ready as she double checked that she’d tagged all relevant evidence. Ghosts or no ghosts, crazy or not crazy, she didn’t make mistakes. Not here, not in her job. She took a deep breath, feeling strangely comforted in the familiarity of forensics science, despite being less than a foot away from a dead body.
Chloe was speaking to a witness, seeming hyper-focused on the case. This was one of the reasons they were friends. They both took their work seriously, even if they were using it to avoid any personal problems. But Ella felt more hopeful now, thinking of Lucifer. It would be nice to have her friend back. He really was like one of her brothers. Hell, he was the only non-family member programmed in her speed-dial.
“Ella, I’m going to head back to the precinct,” Chloe said, turning to leave the biodome.
“Yep, sure.” Ella turned to put her camera back in her bag.
“Hello, Detective,” she heard behind her and quickly spun around. Speak of the devil! Lucifer really was back!
“Lucifer, I was looking everywhere for you.” A Deckerstar reunion should have been sweet, but Ella was pissed.
“There’s no place I’d rather be,” Lucifer started before Ella’s shoe interrupted him.
She hit Lucifer with her boot as she said each word. “I. Can’t. Believe. You. Didn’t. Even. Say. Goodbye.”
As Lucifer was trying to explain, Ella breathlessly ranted out the worst Spanish insults she knew, knowing that while Chloe wouldn’t translate how unprofessional she was being, Lucifer would understand every word.
Lucifer continued anyway.
“Florida is wretched. Far too many creepy-crawlies. And no Miss Lopez.” He gave a devilish smirk and Ella felt all of her pent-up rage evaporate. She couldn’t help but smile back.
“Ugh, I can’t stay mad at you!” She pulled him into a hug, happy to have him back. But something immediately felt different.
In the past, when Ella had hugged her friend, he’d begrudgingly accepted or flinched and waited for her to end the hug as quickly as possible. Ella knew that Lucifer enjoyed hugs deep down, but he never let himself show it. This time though, he wrapped his arms around her, squeezing her back. He was enthusiastically hugging her for once. He swung a bit from side to side playfully, which was odd enough, but then the hug got tighter, more serious.
He felt…warm, his hands firm and protective. The hug went a few seconds longer than appropriate and Ella closed her eyes for just a moment, breathing him in and realizing for the first time how good Lucifer smelled.
“Uhhhhh.” She pulled away, surprised at herself. What was that?! That wasn’t a normal brotherly Lucifer hug. She shook her head. Whatever was going on with her, Lucifer was back. Stop reading into things, she told herself.
“No más of that mierda, okay?” Ella demanded. She locked eyes with him, so he knew she was serious.
“No más!” Lucifer promised. He pantomimed zipping his lips and smiled reassuringly.
Ella smiled, too. Lucifer was home! For a brief second, his smile changed, faltering just a little. Huh. Ella recognized the pain behind that smile. She blinked, Lucifer suddenly seeming normal again. Chloe said he went through hell, she thought, suddenly concerned for her friend.
But Chloe had Lucifer’s full attention now. Ella stooped to slide her boot back on and then walked back to her equipment and the body, feeling like for a moment the world had been righted. Chloe and Lucifer would be back together in no time and she was happy for her friends. Her thoughts automatically turned back to Rae-Rae as she packed up her equipment. She still didn’t know what to do with all of the information she’d learned.
Her hands knew their own way, muscle memory dictating each movement as she checked the evidence logs against their tags and carefully removed her camera lens. She sighed, wishing she could focus on work instead of replaying Rae-Rae’s closet confession. She made a mental list. What did she know for certain?
One. Rae-Rae was not a ghost after all. Nor was she human.
We’ll deal with that one later, Ella thought, gritting her teeth. Moving on.
Two. Whatever Rae-Rae was, she mentioned a job. A job she didn’t do, which led to Ella surviving the car accident.
And three. None of this ultimately changed anything. Yes, Rae-Rae wasn’t a ghost. But neither was Ella crazy. Ella was still Ella.
Maybe this wasn’t a question of science, but one of faith. So what, she was supposed to die in the accident and she didn’t? God must have had a reason. It was God’s plan, she reassured herself. She put her gloved hand on the crucifix around her neck, feeling comforted once more. Yes, she could have faith.
***
The night was so thick that it felt like the darkness itself was pressing on her skin. Ella had jolted awake, covered in sweat, sheets tangled around her legs and every nerve in her body feeling electric. ¡Dios mío! The dream felt so real…
It was already slipping from her mind, missing details the way dreams do in the morning. She couldn’t remember where they were, but she blushed thinking of the heat she’d felt. How tightly he held her, the way his tongue felt on her skin…
She jerked herself upright, pushing her hair back from her sweaty forehead. A dirty dream wasn’t out of the ordinary, but why in the hell was she dreaming of Lucifer of all people? Ugh, she felt almost sick at the thought. It felt wrong to even think of him in that way.
When they’d first met, sure, he’d brought up casual sex. But he said it so nonchalantly, like it was an errand or doing laundry and it was before they were friends. She didn’t take it seriously and by the time they knew each other, their bond was well, brotherly. He felt like one of her many siblings. He and Chloe were part of her found family in L.A. In fact, now that her real brother Ricardo had moved back to Detroit, Lucifer and Chloe were the closest things she had to family in the city. Chloe!
Another wave of shame hit Ella’s gut as she thought of her friend. Chloe and Lucifer had gone through so much. And of everyone who’d watched their situationship, Ella had been their biggest supporter. So why in the hell was she having sexy dreams about Lucifer? She felt guilty, like she’d betrayed them both.
And the dream had felt so real, so physical. The way the shadows drifted across his skin, revealing more of him than Ella had ever seen in real life. She touched her lips, remembering what it felt like kissing his neck, how he’d shivered when she caressed his shoulder.
She kicked the sheets off her bed, suddenly emotional. The dream was wrong and what was worse was how not wrong it had felt in the moment. She’d felt safe. Home. Remembering brought a sob to her throat, the full brunt of her loneliness feeling tight in her chest.
Get yourself together, girl. She took a deep breath and bowed her head to pray, ready to get back to her morning routine. She was determined to shake off the night.