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Cal pulled the blanket back and slipped into the bed, Mare’s eyes on him the whole time while she rubbed her hand absentmindedly over the bulge of her belly. She seemed to be thinking about something rather intently, but he couldn’t even begin to fathom what was on her mind. So he simply waited for her to share what she was thinking (if she was going to), grabbing his book from the bedside table and cracking it open to the page where he left off.
“Do you think we should start thinking of a name for the baby?” Mare asked, surprising him. Of all the things he had considered that might be on her mind, baby names had not even begun to cross his mind.
“I suppose so…” Cal replied, just a little bit hesitant.
“You think it’s going to be a boy, right? So we might as well start there,” she said, scooching up a little bit so that she could lean more comfortably against the headboard.
“I’m not sure if I think it’s going to be a boy,” Cal denied, frowning. He didn’t really want to think about the prospect of having a son – if anyone asked, he was rooting for a girl.
“Okay, well, whatever. We might as well start with boy names,” Mare replied, seemingly not noticing his reticence. “Do you have any thoughts?”
“We could name him Tiberias,” he shrugged, entirely unserious about the suggestion. But he really didn’t want to think about what to name their son, and throwing out a suggestion that he didn’t really care about was a good distraction.
Mare snorted. “Not a chance!”
“Why not?” he protested, his eyes skimming the page in front of him as he pretended to be offended.
“It’s not a good name,” she replied, her tone very matter-of-fact.
Something about the way she said it got to him, and he looked up at her with a deep frown. “What do you mean? It’s a family name! It’s my name!”
“Cal… I love you, but your family sucks. And so does your name,”Mare said.
For someone who had only suggested the name as a joke and hadn’t cared two minutes ago, Cal suddenly felt deeply offended. How could Mare hate his name? He understood that he didn’t choose to be called it, but it was still his.
“That’s mean,” he muttered under his breath, refocusing on the book in his hands with renewed vigour.
Mare frowned, clearly confused by his sudden change in demeanour. “You have literally begged me not to call you Tiberias for the entire time I’ve known you.”
He knew she had a point, but for reasons that he wasn’t willing to explore, he couldn’t let it go. “Well, then… we could call him Cal!”
“We are not naming our son Cal Barrow-Calore,” Mare answered with an exasperated eye roll.
“Why not?!” he asked, a little louder than he meant to.
“Because it’s stupid!” Mare said, echoing his pitch.
“Fine,” Cal huffed, more than a little annoyed. “Then what do you think would be a better name?”
She seemed to straighten up a little before she answered, as though she were steeling herself. “Shade.”
Something inside Cal seemed to tie itself into a tight knot. He had been wondering if she would want to do this, but then when she hadn’t brought it up right away… Cal had begun to think that she wasn’t interested in naming their child after her brother. Or at least that, for whatever reason, she had decided that she didn’t want to do it. And he would be lying if he hadn’t been a little bit relieved, but he couldn’t quite explain why. He didn’t know, didn’t understand. He only knew that he had been happier thinking that their son wouldn’t have her brother’s name.
“Look, Mare…” Cal began delicately, trying to hide his genuine disappointment behind something foolish. “You know I love your parents, and your brother was amazing, but you have to admit… your parents came up with some really unusual names.”
“Unusual, Tiberias ?” she snapped in response, crossing her arms above the bump of her belly.
He sighed heavily. Sometimes he wondered why he had to go ahead and fall in love with such an argumentative woman. “My name is not unusual! It’s the name of kings that goes back millenia!”
“Well,” Mare replied, her tone suddenly becoming much sharper, “our son isn’t going to be a king, so maybe we can put an end to that tradition. You know, since we also won’t be keeping up with the tradition of teaching him how to oppress entire races of people.”
Well, fuck. Cal had managed to piss Mare off and in the process driven her to be stubborn and completely stuck in her decision. At the same time, he was a little too worked up to be rational about this or to try to backtrack. He simply let out a huff and flopped back onto the pillows.
“We could always give him an entirely new name!” Cal argued. “We don’t have to name him after someone.”
“We don’t,” Mare agreed, “but I want to name him Shade. He won’t get to know Shade, but at least he can have this.”
“It won’t make up for Shade not being here,” Cal pointed out.
“I know,” Mare sighed, looking down at her belly with a sad sort of gaze. “But it’s better than nothing.”
Cal matched her sigh with one of his own, feeling his anger deflate into sadness. “Fine. Shade it is.”
“We don’t have to decide tonight,” Mare said quietly, sensing his continued reticence.
“No, it’s good. Shade is a good name for him,” Cal answered. Typically, Cal just wanted to make his wife happy, so he tried to channel that now. Maybe if he pretended that was all that mattered long enough, he would feel that way again.
In the days that followed, Mare had taken to calling the baby Shade, even though they still didn’t know if it was, in fact, a boy. But the argument over a boy’s name had made them both reluctant to bring up the possibility that it might be a girl. Each time Cal heard Mare call the baby Shade while she rubbed her hand over her belly, he felt another knot form somewhere deep in his gut. And as much as Cal tried to hide these feelings from Mare, he knew she was picking up on it. But even though he wished he could, he just couldn’t shake the feeling.
He was laying plates on the table for dinner when he saw Mare grimace and run her hand over her belly.
“Everything alright?” Cal asked, frowning with concern.
“Yeah,” she answered, quickly smoothing her features into something that seemed more relaxed. “It’s just getting a little more uncomfortable whenever Shade kicks now, that’s all.”
“We don’t know that the baby’s a boy,” Cal said under breath, hoping that it sounded more nonchalant than it felt.
“Cal, why do you hate the name Shade so much?” Mare hissed, her hands clenching over her stomach.
He could tell she was trying not to be angry, trying to give him a chance to explain before she lost her temper with him over something that mattered so much to her. He could see disappointment and frustration warring over her features, even as she tried to school them into something more neutral.
“I don’t,” he answered quickly, trying to pacify her. He knew it was no use though. Now that Mare had brought this up, she wasn’t going to let it go without getting to the root of the problem.
“Don’t lie to me,” she scolded, before carefully softening her expression. “Please tell me what’s wrong. I want to understand. Maybe… maybe if I do, we can figure out a solution.”
He thought for a moment, trying to figure out what was really bothering him about the whole scenario. It didn’t take long for him to figure out – deep down, he had always known what was nagging at him, but he just hadn’t wanted to admit it or even think about it. But the moment he let himself focus on it, he knew exactly what it was. But the problem was… it was something that could be easily fixed. Or even discussed.
“Mare, there is no solution,” Cal said, dragging his fingers over his cheek. “The name is fine.”
She simply stared at him, clearly not believing a word he had said and determined to wait him out. She had gotten better at that in the last few years – waiting until he was ready to talk about something that was on his mind.
“I just… I guess I’m just sad that we’re not naming our son after my brother,” he said quietly after a long minute of silence.
Shock and anger reeled across Mare’s face, and Cal instantly regretted his words.
“That didn’t come out right!” he said quickly, his cheeks flushing bright silver. “I only meant…” He paused, taking the time to find the right words this time. “I meant that I’m sad that we can’t name our son after my brother. I’m sad that my brother wasn’t the kind of brother you can name your child after.”
Mare took a deep breath to steady herself and then reached out to thread her fingers through his. This was another part of their routine now. As tempting as it was for her to react right away, Cal often had trouble giving voice to his feelings, so once he found the words, he needed to get it all out.
“My brother was… he was a monster in the end, I know that,” Cal continued, letting out a deep sigh and sagging slightly in his chair. He felt so utterly exhausted. It had been years , how could this still affect him so profoundly? “But that person, that darkness, in some ways feels so separate from my brother . Mavey was the boy that I told my secrets too, that I shared nightmares with. He was the boy I played chess with every day. He was the only person who was allowed to know me , not Prince Tiberias . Mavey was the boy that I protected and… I loved him. And I don’t know how to erase all of that. I don’t know how not to love him, Mare, even though I hate him too.”
Mare stood up, a sad smile twisting her lips as she stepped closer to him. Gently, she lowered herself onto his lap, draping one arm around his shoulders.
“I’m sorry,” she said softly, pressing a tender kiss against his cheek. “I don’t always think about how complicated things are for you.”
“It’s not your fault,” Cal answered, leaning into her touch and letting it ground him. “I just wish my brother had been the kind of brother you could name your child after. But he wasn’t.”
“He wasn’t,” she agreed. Mare paused for a moment, trying to find the right words to say to him. “We don’t have to name the baby after anyone. He can have an entirely new name. Or… or we could name him after someone who means a lot to both of us. Julian, or –”
“Mare, I want to name the baby Shade. I know how much it means to you, and your brother was important to me too,” Cal said, shaking his head. “I just wish… I guess I just wish that Maven hadn’t ruined everything. I wish he could’ve been a better brother.”
Mare cradled his cheek, brushing her thumb across the soft skin. “We can’t change it now though.”
“I know,” he answered with a deep sigh. “Thinking about Maven always brings up so many questions that I don’t know the answer to. What am I going to tell our child about him? I want them to know more than just the ending, but I can’t deny what he did either. How do I explain why he’s not here? What –”
“ Cal ,” she said, her tone the perfect mix of commanding and soothing. It was just enough to focus him and keep his mind from spiralling away. “It’s going to be a long time before our child is ready to hear about any of those things. You don’t need to figure out all the answers right now. And I know that this is emotional for you. We both knew that this wouldn’t be easy. It’s okay for you to miss your family, and you can talk to me about it too. I know it’s not the same for me, but I haven’t forgotten what it felt like to hope that he could be fixed while also hating him for what he did.”
He smiled softly, leaning over to nuzzle his nose affectionately against her cheek. There might be a lot that he wasn’t sure of when it came to their child, but there was one thing Cal did know – he was immensely glad that he was doing this with Mare. When he was younger, he hadn’t thought it would matter. He was so conditioned to think that marriage and parenthood had nothing to do with love, and he had believed it. But now he knew better. Now, Cal knew that the bond between them was the foundation for parenthood, and he thanked his colours every day that it was strong.