Chapter Text
The first thing Eunseok thought of when he finally manages to stop the flashing lights in his head from going off is that he is in dire need of water.
His throat feels extremely parched and his head hurts. A lot. It is not even like the usual hangover after a long night out of partying. It feels heavy and there is a constant pounding in his head that he wishes would stop. And those flashing lights, they come and go. He reaches up to grab a hold of his head and that is when he realizes the bandage wrapped around his head.
He slowly blinks his eyes open and look at his surroundings. Tubes everywhere. White walls, white sheets.
And Eunseok is not alone in the room.
He first sees Sungchan, his long-time friend.
Huh?
He looks, dare Eunseok say, older. Like age caught up to him. His hair is not the usual chocolate brown colour, all long and shaggy. It is shorter now and dyed a lighter brown, almost blonde. There is a concerned look on his face which he doesn’t understand why.
Then he sees the rest of their small group - Seunghan and Shotaro. Seunghan looked like he lost weight, his jawline more define and Shotaro is slightly taller now.
This feels weird. Why does everyone look older and just - not like how he remembered them to be?
They are only eighteen, still young and in college.
Finally, he notices Wonbin standing in the corner of the room, behind everyone else.
Park Wonbin.
The shorter man looks the same - big round eyes, full plush lips - sans the baby fats in his cheeks. He is wearing the red and black plaid shirt that he always wears, Eunseok knows that is his favourite even if he doesn’t say. Of course, he doesn’t miss the black beanie on his head. Eunseok knows Wonbin is never not seen with a beanie on.
How Eunseok knows all this? He’s just observant. Maybe.
Overall, Eunseok thinks Wonbin looks good and Eunseok always think he looks great, except that Wonbin looks like he either did not get enough sleep or has been crying with the way his eyes are puffy and bloodshot.
But what Eunseok is most curious about is - why is he here?
***
“I know that I am currently hospitalized but why do you guys act as though I am dead?” Eunseok asks, after finally drinking a cup of water to quench his thirst.
“What do you mean ‘as though I am dead’? You almost died, man!” Sungchan answers gruffly.
“Okay, but I didn’t. So calm down. Geez,” Eunseok retorts, already feeling his head starting to pound again.
“I am glad you’re okay, Seok,” Shotaro says gently, a relieved smile on his face.
“I don’t know how long I’ve been in a coma but damn, you guys look so much older than the last time I saw you which was literally yesterday,” Eunseok raises a brow.
Silence follows after what he said.
“Erm-“ Seunghan finally speaks up, albeit hesitantly. “Do you remember what year we are in?”
Eunseok frowns, confused, “It is 2014, isn’t it?”
The three of them exchange looks with each other and Eunseok is starting to feel annoyed. Ever since he woke up, everything feels weird. Different.
Eunseok can’t help but to notice that Wonbin has also turned his body to face the wall, his back towards them – arms wrapped around his slim waist.
Again, why is Wonbin here with them?
“Eunseok, don’t freak out but-“ Shotaro stops himself and takes a deep breath. “It’s been 10 years and it’s the year 2024. You’re not 18 anymore. We are not 18 anymore.”
Eunseok snorts at that, “Are you guys fucking around with me again? Because the last time you guys did that-“
“We aren’t,” Sungchan mumbles, clenching his jaw and staring ahead.
If he is not eighteen anymore, that would mean he is twenty-eight by now. Not in college anymore and clearly already working.
“No, no fucking way,” Eunseok whispers.
“The doctor said that when you wake up, you are most likely not going to remember a lot. Guess he was right,” Seunghan sighs.
“Holy shit,” Eunseok breathes out.
Now it all makes sense why they all look a little different, a little older. Ten years is long. Really long. He wonders now what he looks like.
“Can I see what I look like now?” Eunseok asks.
“Still ugly,” Sungchan retorts.
“Oh, shut up. And your mouth only knows to speak trash even till now, I see.”
Eunseok doesn’t know what is it about his statement but that causes all of them (sans Wonbin who has now turned his body back around, eyes redder than before) to start chuckling and he feels like things are back to normal again.
He starts to wonder what else has changed. Did he manage to graduate college? Is he working? If yes, as what? Is he in a relationship? Or is he married?
So many thoughts running through his head that his head starts spinning a little. But then there is one question he really wants to know.
“Anyway, why is Wonbin here again? Did he suddenly join our little group of misfits without me knowing or...?” Eunseok drawls.
“He’s actually-“
“We live together now,” Wonbin cuts Sungchan off, standing by the door of his private room ward.
If Eunseok could choke on air, he would.
Instead, Eunseok asks, scratching his nape because damn was he confused as hell. “And why are we living together again?”
“He is your-“ Sungchan speaks up again but then stops when Wonbin shakes his head at him.
“Housemate?” Eunseok jumps in.
“Something like that,” Wonbin mumbles in response. “Anyway, the doctor said he wants to speak to me. I’ll come back later.”
When Wonbin leaves, Sungchan sighs frustratedly and Eunseok honestly doesn’t know why.
“Are you guys hiding something from me?” Eunseok asks, not bothering to beat around the bush.
“I think it’s not our place to tell you. Wonbin should be the one to tell you,” Shotaro answers, his eyes looking sad. “You must be tired. We will leave now for you to rest and then we will come back again tomorrow.”
***
It has been almost a week since Eunseok woke up and finally, Eunseok gets to go home. The wide smile on his face when the nurse told him that he is ready to head back home makes Wonbin realise how much he has missed him.
Home has been so lonely and quiet since Eunseok’s accident. Sometimes when it gets too much, Wonbin will sleepover at Sungchan’s apartment. Thankfully, Sungchan’s boyfriend - Chanyoung - doesn’t mind.
Wonbin is currently waiting for Eunseok to change into his comfortable clothes after having brought it for him from home. He sighs as he thinks about what happened earlier.
“So, this is your favourite blue hoodie. Had to wash it because I’ve been- Nevermind.” Eunseok raises a brow at Wonbin ’s sudden change in statement.
“Here is also some comfortable sweatpants for you. I’m sure you must be feeling a little uncomfortable wearing the hospital gown for so long,” Wonbin finishes off with a tiny smile on his face.
“Thanks,” Eunseok mutters and the smile on Wonbin ’s face drop, a little disappointed at his lackluster response.
Honestly, Wonbin doesn’t even know what he is expecting. A peck on the cheek maybe? A soft brush of his lips on Wonbin’s temple perhaps? Little gestures that Eunseok used to do to him for even the simplest things.
But then he remembers that things are not the same anymore and he should not expect much.
“Hey.”
Wonbin whips his head to look at Eunseok who looks fresh after taking a short bath and changed out of his hospital gown.
“You look-“ Eunseok tilts his head, waiting for Wonbin to continue. “You look good.”
Eunseok begins walking slowly to place his hospital gown, which is neatly folded, on the bed for the nurses to take when they leave the hospital.
“Are you not telling me something?” Eunseok asks, straight to the point, and sits at the edge of the bed.
Wonbin internally sighs. Eunseok may have lost his memory but he is not stupid. Wonbin knows that too well. He also may not talk much but he is observant.
“What do you mean?” Wonbin fiddles with his fingers, suddenly nervous, especially now that it is just the two of them in the room.
The rest of their little group left after visiting Eunseok one last time before he gets discharged from the hospital.
“You say we are housemates right?” Eunseok asks slowly.
“Yeah,” Wonbin mumbles a reply.
“Your boyfriend is fine with it?” Eunseok wonders, scratching the back of his neck.
Wonbin’s heart thumps.
Boyfriend.
Who is he referring to?
“I forgot his name. That one pretty tall guy? Oh something,” Eunseok tries to recall.
Ah.
“Oh Sion?” “Yeah, him!” “We broke up, a really long time ago. Like, 10 years ago?”
“Oh, shit. I’m so sorry.” Eunseok genuinely looks guilty - as though he feels bad for having brought up a past relationship - and Wonbin wants to laugh because he honestly could not care less about that relationship.
It wasn’t like the break-up was bad. But he and Sion are so much better off as friends that it felt as though their relationship never existed.
“My last memory of you was that you were happily dating him. It seemed pretty serious that I thought you guys would end up getting married.”
Clearly, not serious enough if we only lasted for a year and then I ended up with you eventually. Wonbin thinks.
“Well, it was a mutual break-up. We’re okay,” Wonbin shrugs.
“Hmm, then it would make sense then,” Eunseok says, more to himself.
“Makes sense about?” Wonbin probes.
Not bothering to answer Wonbin, he immediately asks, “What are we actually? We aren’t just housemates, right?”
“I- I don’t understand,” Wonbin replies, avoiding his piercing gaze.
He starts to walk around the room, collecting anything that needs to be packed before they leave. Wonbin honestly hates lying to Eunseok and he feels like he might just blurt out the truth any moment.
“I mean,” Eunseok speaks, this time his voice is loud and firm. Wonbin knows then that he is being serious and he is not playing around.
“What exactly is our relationship?” Eunseok asks.
Wonbin takes a deep breath, rubbing his temple. Maybe there really is no point in hiding the truth from Eunseok. Why lie when eventually he will figure out? Eunseok probably has it figured out anyway. Honestly, Wonbin already feels tired from having to keep the truth from him.
“Fine,” Wonbin finally answers, looking up to match Eunseok’s gaze. “Our relationship is special.”
Eunseok hums at that and walks towards Wonbin. When he finally stands in front of him, Wonbin internally curses over the fact that Eunseok’s at least half a head taller than him - something he would usually appreciate. But right now, he just feels small.
Tilting his head, Eunseok’s eyes scan Wonbin’s face.
“Is that why I have a polaroid of you at the back of my phone?”
***
Wonbin opens and closes his mouth like a fish above water at the sight of Eunseok’s phone right before him.
It clearly looks like it is not going to work anymore with how broken it is but the fact that the back of it still holds that one polaroid.
The polaroid that Eunseok has kept since their first Christmas together.
“H-how?” Wonbin stutters.
“The police came by earlier to pass me some of the things they managed to salvage from the car crash,” Eunseok shrugs.
Slightly crumpled and dirty, the polaroid looked like it went through hell and back. Even so, the words written on it is still clear - love.
Love. It is a clear indication of what it really means.
Wonbin sighs and without him realizing, a tear rolls down his cheek. He quickly wipes it away with the back of his hand, hoping that Eunseok misses it. But from the way Eunseok is looking at him with concerned eyes, Wonbin knows he saw it.
“I’m sorry,” Wonbin whispers. “It’s just been really hard lately.”
“I was thinking of telling you the truth, I really did. But I got scared,” he continues, meekly. “And I just kept hoping that you would somehow remember again, since it is something important.”
“You know I can’t remember anything. I still think we are eighteen, Wonbin,” Eunseok says sadly.
“I know and I understand. I’m sorry if you felt like I was blaming you. I’m not,” Wonbin assures Eunseok.
Eunseok nods his head, giving Wonbin an understanding smile.
Wonbin thinks that even if Eunseok can’t grasp the idea of them dating, he would not say or do anything to hurt him.
Closing his eyes, Wonbin counts to ten, taking slow deep breaths until his breathing evens. When he feels that he is ready, he opens his eyes and says,
“We have been in a serious relationship for almost a decade now.”
“You,” Eunseok points to Wonbin before pointing to himself, “and me, in a relationship?”
Wonbin sighs and nods.
Eunseok barks out a laugh, which he immediately regrets because his ribs still hurt a lot. He coughs as his muscle screams in protest.
“Are you okay?” Wonbin asks, immediately going to assist Eunseok.
“I’m fine,” Eunseok stops him before Wonbin can even do anything, his own hand rubbing his ribs gently.
The downcast look that appears on Wonbin’s face makes him feel guilty. But, he is still wrapping his whole head around the idea of dating the smaller man.
“Did something happen that led to us dating?” Eunseok asks, scratching his brow. “Was I dared to date you?”
Wonbin’s heart drop at that and he feels the need to leave the room soon before he breaks down. “I-I don’t think-“
“Wait, shit. I’m sorry. That was really insensitive of me,” Eunseok immediately apologizes as soon as he realizes how much of an asshole he sounded.
“It’s fine.” No, it is not.
“I guess it isn’t so bad being your boyfriend. You’re cute and pretty,” Eunseok says nonchalantly, as though it isn’t a big deal.
“You’re... okay with it?”
Eunseok shrugs. “I mean, I am very confused but yeah, sure I guess. I think you’re attractive but that’s about it. I never thought I’d act on it.”
“Plus there are other more serious matters like my memory loss problem. So,” Eunseok nods his head, ending the topic conversation.
Not bothering to wait for Wonbin to reply, he continues. “Now that’s clear. Can you take me to get a new phone? I don’t think I’ll be able to survive without one.”
Tongue-tied, Wonbin only nods his head. While Eunseok may be acting calm about the revelation, somehow he feels that it is only the beginning of a brewing storm. Eunseok has always been good at hiding his feelings afterall.
eunseok [5:01pm]
the nerve to have hidden such a crucial information of my life from me
sungchan [5:02pm]
oh…
eunseok [5:02pm]
yeah oh… some best friend you are
sungchan [5:05pm]
seok-ah… i’m really sorry. i really wanted to tell you and you know i would tell you. but taro felt it was better if wonbin tells you himself. afterall, it is his relationship too
eunseok [5:07pm]
you know i was expecting a “ha ha you got pranked” but your message clearly says otherwise
sungchan [5:08pm]
it is not a joke. at all. and i’m begging you to please not say anything that will hurt wonbin
eunseok [5:09pm]
i’m actually offended that you think i would do that
sungchan [5:10pm]
i know all this is very….. new and confusing to you but you love him. like a lot
eunseok [5:11pm]
this is honestly a lot to take in. because what the fuck? 18 years old me would have never thought i’d date wonbin. like THE park wonbin?
sungchan [5:11pm]
yeah…
eunseok [5:12pm]
i swear i thought he was dating sion. they were literally that one campus couple. what the hell happened
sungchan [5:13pm]
things just… happen ya know
sungchan [5:18pm]
you’re going to be okay seok-ah.. i’m worried about you but i know you. you’re strong, have always been strong. you’ll get through it and i hope hard you’ll regain back your memories. he loves you and you do him
eunseok [5:20pm]
yeah well i definitely don’t feel that love for him
sungchan [5:21pm]
but you do
eunseok [5:21pm]
stop repeating that
sungchan [5:22pm]
sorry… just try to learn to love him again. you’ll be surprised by how much love you have for him
Wonbin seems to be struggling opening the door to their apartment, his hands shaking a little and Eunseok doesn’t understand why.
Is he nervous? But why?
“Er, you alright there?” Eunseok asks, feeling a little bad that Wonbin feels nervous around him, someone who is supposedly his boyfriend.
Not even supposedly, he is his boyfriend.
“Yeah. Just,” Wonbin says, glancing at Eunseok, only to divert his attention back to the keys as soon as Eunseok meets his gaze. “There, finally.”
Wonbin pushes open the door and gestures for Eunseok to enter.
Eunseok walks in, his eyes starts sweeping the insides of their apartment. Spacious with a decent size open-concept kitchen but cozy enough to feel like home. It is quite clear that they were going for a minimalistic concept - clean walls with only one or two photo frames on it.
Now, Eunseok really wants to know what they are both working as. When Eunseok first saw their apartment complex, he noticed that it seemed to lean more towards the high-end ones. They even had their own security.
“Our room is the last one at the end,” Wonbin says, pointing a thumb towards the said room.
“We share a room together?” A slight frown on Eunseok’s face and he swears that if his face showed any indication that he is weirded out by the thought of it, it wasn’t intentional.
Of fucking course they would share a room together. They are boyfriends.
“Yes, we do,” Wonbin mumbles. “I mean we are boyfriends.”
“And a bed too?” Eunseok wishes he would just stop talking. He is only making the already awkward situation worse.
“If you aren’t comfortable with it, I can always sleep in the spare room,” Wonbin suggests, but his eyes tell a different story.
Learn to love him again.
“No!” Eunseok strongly protests and Wonbin’s eyes widen at it. “You did say we are boyfriends. So, it’s fine. We can share.”
Eunseok backtracks and says, “No, wait. We should share.”
Wonbin gives him the most pleasant smile and Eunseok thinks this is the first time he has seen that smile being directed towards him. Or maybe it is not the first time for pre-accident Eunseok but for post-accident Eunseok, it sure made his heart flutter the tiniest bit.
“Anyway, we can always put pillows in between us or something. I’m not really a cuddler.” Eunseok laughs.
“That’s funny because between the both of us, you were the cuddler,” Wonbin replies softly, the smile wiped off his face.
“Maybe before. But right now, I’m definitely not a cuddler.”
“Okay, I understand. We don’t have to put pillows though, it might make you feel uncomfortable especially since you aren’t fully recovered.”
“I think not putting any pillows between us would make me feel more uncomfortable,” Eunseok says, laughing as if he just made a joke, except he didn’t.
Damn it, Eunseok .
“Oh.”
“Wait, no- I mean- I’m just still getting used to this. Shit, I’m sorry.” Eunseok rubs his forehead, already feeling the beginning of a pounding headache.
Wonbin lets out a short laugh, one Eunseok knows is fake from the way it sounds strained to his ears. “Don’t worry about it. You should rest.”
With that, Eunseok watches Wonbin walk away to the kitchen, standing by the kitchen sink. His palms on either side of the sink, hunched over. And if he looks close enough, he can see the way Wonbin’s small frame shakes.
His head feels heavy but now his heart feels the same way too.
Eunseok sighs. He does not know if it is just guilt he is feeling or is there more to it.
***
When Eunseok wakes up - he knocked out the moment he took his medications - he noticed the bolster in the middle and Wonbin nowhere to be seen.
Guilt still eating inside him, Eunseok heads to the kitchen when he finally washes up.
The aroma of freshly made pancakes wafts through the air and Eunseok realises that he is actually really hungry. In the kitchen, he sees Wonbin drizzling syrup over a stack of pancakes, humming to himself. Eunseok’s stomach growls at that.
“Oh fuc-“ Wonbin jumps a little, a hand to his chest.
“I’m sorry,” Eunseok says, rubbing his nape, a little embarrassed and a lot apologetic.
“You’re awake,” Wonbin simply says, a gentle smile on his face.
“Yeah. What time is it?” Eunseok asks, walking towards the island.
“Almost 11. Sorry I didn’t wake you up. I just thought you needed all the rest,” Wonbin mumbles, going back to preparing his pancakes.
He adds some butter on the stack of pancakes and pours a cup of coffee in a mug, before placing it in front of Eunseok.
“Here, for you,” Wonbin says, an expectant look on his face.
Damn, maybe dating really isn’t so bad.
“Does this happen often?” Eunseok asks, picking up his fork and knife, absolutely ready to dig in with how mouth-watering the pancakes look.
“Erm, not really,” Wonbin answers sheepishly. “It’s just an occasional thing.”
“Ah,” Eunseok nods his head. “Well, thanks for this.”
Eunseok’s starts digging in but then realises that Wonbin is only watching him and not joining him. He asks, “Aren’t you eating? It’s really good, by the way.”
“Really?” Wonbin asks, surprised.
“Yeah! You want to try?” Eunseok offers.
Wonbin nods his head and goes to Eunseok. With his mouth open, Eunseok thinks Wonbin is expecting him to feed him but-
“Here,” Eunseok says, passing the fork and knife to Wonbin.
At that, Wonbin immediately shuts his mouth. His face colors a bright shade of red and he blinks his eyes, as though - oh shit, is he going to cry?
“I- I’m sorry. I just thought you’d be more comfortable if you-“ Eunseok stammers, trying to apologize.
“It’s fine!” Wonbin abruptly cuts him off, not making any eye-contact with him. “Hmm, not bad. Finally, I got the recipe right.”
“What do you mean ‘finally’?”
“I’ve been trying to find the perfect recipe for home-made pancakes and previously, you’d always be my food critic,” Wonbin says softly, a small smile on his face as he probably reminisces the past.
When Eunseok’s heart clenches a little, he doesn’t understand why. Wonbin is talking about him but it feels like he is talking about someone else. Moments like this, Eunseok wishes he remembered the memories of the last ten years.
Even Eunseok can tell that Wonbin loves pre-accident Eunseok.
No, scratch that, Wonbin loves him.
Not past Eunseok, not future Eunseok, but him - Song Eunseok.
Eunseok wonders now though if he even deserves that love.
***
“What do we usually do on Saturdays?” Eunseok asks, actually curious about how their routine is like.
At that question, Wonbin’s cheeks turn a pretty pink. Eunseok raises a brow, an amused smile on his face.
“Wait, why are you blushing?” Eunseok chuckles, wincing a little when his ribs hurt.
Even the smallest movements causes his ribs to scream. He should really take his painkillers soon, though Eunseok tries not to rely too much on them.
Wonbin, dare Eunseok say, looks really pretty right now with his cheeks colored with a natural blush.
Eunseok may not know what it is like to love Wonbin but he will never deny the fact that Wonbin is a beautiful man. Like a doll.
“Well, we actually just stay in bed the whole day,” Wonbin mutters, purposely not looking at Eunseok, sipping on his cup of coffee.
Eunseok licks at the corner of his mouth, where the wound caused by the accident has dried. He hums.
“So, like we cuddle? Since you did say I was- No, I am a cuddler.”
“Erm,” Wonbin clears his throat, scratching the tip of his nose. “Yeah, sort of.”
That makes sense. A lazy Saturday after a long grueling week.
“And more.”
Oh.
Now Eunseok gets what Wonbin meant. Before he knows it, Eunseok feels heat spread throughout his chest and into the roots of his hair.
Honestly, Eunseok does not know why he is acting like a teenage boy, suddenly so embarrassed by the idea of sex.
It is just sex. People do it all the time.
But the thought of him having sex with Wonbin. Of all people, Park Wonbin.
Eunseok gulps.
Now, he wonders what it-
No, stop it. Do not even go there, Song Eunseok. You do not have the right to be imagining as such.
But, Wonbin is Eunseok’s boyfriend.
Eunseok swears his head is about to explode with the way his mind is playing back and forth with him like the devil and angel.
Pushing all his thoughts to the back of his head, he suddenly stands up, picking up his empty plate and utensils.
Clearing his throat, he says, “Thank you for the lovely breakfast.”
“You don’t have to thank me. I do it because I want to,” Wonbin assures him, a pretty smile plastered on his face.
Eunseok nods at that and goes to the kitchen sink to do the washing.
As he does so, he realises that Wonbin never smiles with his teeth. At least, as far as he can remember.
He wonders, did pre-accident Eunseok ever got the chance to see Wonbin smile so wide, his teeth shows that it blinds him because Wonbin probably looks just as pretty if not more?
***
“If you need anything, my number is on the fridge,” Wonbin says as he wears his socks and eventually puts on shoes.
“Okay,” Eunseok nods his head.
The weekend flew by fast with Eunseok resting and sleeping most of the time while Wonbin busies himself with work.
It is still awkward between them with the way they tiptoe around each other. Eunseok is still trying to grasp the fact that they are living together, not just as housemates but actually dating.
He also found out that Wonbin is actually a school teacher at some prestigious school. So he gets paid well.
When Wonbin finally stands up, he says again, “I mean it, if you need anything, anything at all-“
“Yes, I get it,” Eunseok cuts him off, slightly irritated because he hates that Wonbin seem to treat him like some child.
“Sorry, I’m just,” Wonbin sighs and shakes his head. “Never mind.”
Calm down, Eunseok. He is just worried about you.
“Go,” Eunseok says, an assuring smile on his face which he hopes will at least simmer down Wonbin’s worried heart.
Wonbin nods his head, turning around as ready to leave but then he turns back around. Biting his lower lip, he looks at Eunseok as through he wants to say something.
Raising his brows, Eunseok asks, “Is something wrong? Did you forget something?”
Even though he looks a little hesitant, Wonbin eventually says, “It’s just that, you’d always kiss me goodbye.”
Eunseok lets out an “Ah” at that and without realizing, he moves one step back.
Clearly, Wonbin notices it because he scoffs and goes, “Calm down. I wasn’t asking for it.”
“S-sorry, I’m just-“ Eunseok stammers, gripping his mug a little too tightly.
“Just not comfortable. I get it.” If Eunseok hears properly, he would be able to notice the annoyance laced in Wonbin’s voice.
Wonbin shakes his head a little before giving Eunseok a small smile and settling for a wave instead.
Eunseok does not know why he speaks again but he says, “Don’t worry about me. I’ll still be here even when you’re back.”
***
Almost midnight. A burst of light. Come back safe, someone says. More lights. Driving. Need to get milk, bread, maybe some cereal. Did he forget anything else? The burst of lights continue. Road is empty.
The burst of lights come in rapid motion now.
Hey, stop driving. It’s the red light, idio-
No, no, no!
Eunseok gasps, jolting awake. His chest pounding, his body trembling. Those flashing lights again. This time accompanied by a ringing sound. He tries to slow down his breathing by taking slow, deep breaths.
With shaky hands, he wipes his face, only realizing then that he is sweating. His mind on overdrive.
Was that a memory?
Or was it all just a dream?
While waiting for Wonbin to come back, Eunseok took a warm bath. The way his body felt sticky all over from the sweat after the bad dream makes him feel uncomfortable.
He then took out the first aid kit to change the bandages on his wounds. It is a struggle because this time Wonbin isn’t here to help but Eunseok makes do with what he can.
Once that is all done, he sighs. He still has some time left before Wonbin comes back. Not wanting to watch any television or Netflix, Eunseok decides to explore their apartment.
After his discharge from the hospital, Eunseok never really got to look through the whole house properly. He was too busy trying to adjust to the idea of living with Wonbin and aside from that, all he ever did was sleep and take naps throughout the day with how strong the medications are.
He hums to himself, wondering if he can find anything interesting. Eunseok thinks that starting in their bedroom would be best.
As there are not much furniture in their bedroom, just one drawer and a walk-in wardrobe, Eunseok starts with the drawer first.
The first drawer didn’t really bring about anything that perks his interest, just cosmetic items like colognes and accessories that clearly belong to Wonbin like rings, necklaces and bracelets.
The second drawer is even more boring. There was a lot of documents and honestly, Eunseok thinks they are Wonbin’s work-related documents. Eunseok immediately closes that one.
The third and last drawer is when he notices photo albums neatly stacked. But he is not interested in those. What catches his attention is the few polaroids that looked like they were chucked inside.
It’s weird because Eunseok feels bittersweet as he looks at the polaroids one by one. The heavy feeling in his chest is back too.
Would it even make sense to feel envious of a relationship that he is actually a part of?
But Eunseok thinks it is possible when that part of his life is one he doesn’t have any recollection of.
He noticed blue tacks at the back of the polaroids, which only means that they were previously pasted on the wall before it got removed.
Funny, Eunseok doesn’t think he saw any polaroids on the walls when he first arrived at the apartment after his discharge.
He begins to wonder if Wonbin removed them off the wall after knowing Eunseok lost his memory.
Why?
Is he afraid Eunseok wouldn’t like it?
With the way Eunseok has been acting, he isn’t surprised that Wonbin would think so.
He grimaces at the thought, feeling bad that Wonbin has to go to that extent.
As he continues to look at the polaroids, it seems that they have come so far as a couple. Some of the polaroids look old and even have turned a little yellow.
Seems like it was a really serious relationship.
Like the kind they will get married in the future.
They have been dating for almost a decade afterall.
At that thought, Eunseok’s heart drops because what if he still can’t recollect his memories. What if he still can’t fall in love with Wonbin? He wouldn’t want to hurt Wonbin like that.
Eunseok does not want Wonbin to feel like he has to stay in a relationship - if what they have now is still even considered a relationship - because he thinks post-accident Eunseok is pre-accident Eunseok.
They are not.
Maybe he should-
“What are you doing?”
At the sound of Wonbin’s voice, Eunseok immediately chucks the polaroids back inside the drawer, except for one which he slips inside the pocket of his sweatpants.
“N-nothing,” Eunseok mutters, hating that he is feeling guilty for snooping around.
This is his room too, for fuck’s sake. He is not snooping around and he doesn’t have to feel guilty about it.
“Uh, when did you get back?” Eunseok asks, scratching his chin while walking around Wonbin to head back out to the kitchen.
He doesn’t miss the way Wonbin raises a brow but he chooses to ignore it.
“Not too long ago,” Wonbin replies, his arms wrapped around himself. “I called out for you but you didn’t answer. Thought you were sleeping but turns out you are here.”
“Yeah, didn’t feel like taking a nap again for fear I’ll have a repeat of that bad dream,” Eunseok shrugs, suddenly feeling thirsty.
Grabbing a glass, he pours himself water and even offers Wonbin in which he politely declines.
“That dream,” Wonbin finally begins after a few minutes of silence. “You wanna talk about it?”
“Not really,” Eunseok simply says.
“Eunseok,” Wonbin sighs. “Maybe talking it out will make you feel better.”
When Eunseok keeps silence, he continues, “Because let’s be honest, it wasn’t a bad dream but actually a part of your memory.”
“Well.” Eunseok decides there is no point keeping it to himself. They are a couple after all.
“I didn’t exactly see a whole scene,” Eunseok says but it sounds more like a question. “Like they were different cuts of a whole scene, just flashing by.”
Wonbin nods his head, an assuring smile on his face – as if giving Eunseok encouragement, telling him that he is doing great.
“It started out with the clock, exactly like the one in our living room, showing ten minutes to twelve. Then I hear a voice - I couldn’t tell who because there was a ringing sound throughout the dream - telling me to come back safe.”
Wonbin’s smile drops. “That voice, it was most probably mine.”
Eunseok gulps, thinking that maybe this really is a part of his memory.
“After that, there was a scene of me driving in a car and just thinking to myself of the groceries I needed to buy. I had to stop at a red light but the road was empty.”
Eunseok’s stomach starts to feel queasy the moment it reaches this part. His palms starts getting sweaty and his hands trembles.
“Then I see a car from the opposite direction, not stopping,” Eunseok chokes out, he suddenly feels he can’t breathe.
The wave of nausea hit him so fast, he thinks he is going to vomit anytime soon. He can see Wonbin giving him a worried look and before he knows it, Eunseok is bending over the kitchen sink, puking out the contents of his stomach.
***
Wonbin’s heart clenches at the sight of Eunseok puking his guts out.
He knows that it must have been hard for the taller man to have to recall back memories of the crash.
Gently, he rubs Eunseok’s back, wanting Eunseok to know that he is always here for him.
“I’m fine,” Eunseok croaks out, only for him to puke somemore.
“Yeah, I’m sure you are,” Wonbin replies sarcastically, sighing as his hand continues rubbing Eunseok’s back.
Once Eunseok is done, he rinses his mouth a few times and tells Wonbin that he is going to brush his teeth. Wonbin just nods at that and waits for Eunseok in their living room.
While waiting, Wonbin thinks about how he saw Eunseok in their room earlier looking through their drawer. He knows Eunseok saw the polaroids and he wonders what thoughts were running through his head as he looked through them.
Things haven’t been easy for both Eunseok and Wonbin – Eunseok still finding it hard to believe that they are dating and Wonbin trying to be as understanding as possible with regards to Eunseok’s actions.
He knows that now Eunseok sometimes does things that can be hurtful but he keeps reminding himself that post-accident Eunseok is having a hard time.
Having to lose one’s memory must be such a terrible feeling. Imagine ten years’ worth of memory wiped out of one’s head.
Wonbin couldn’t.
He knows it will take awhile before things can go back to normal. Occasionally, Wonbin does see glimpses of pre-accident Eunseok and hope starts building up inside him. But then Eunseok will do something the next time and all hope diminishes.
“Sorry about earlier,” Eunseok breaks Wonbin’s train of thoughts.
“It’s okay,” Wonbin replies.
“It’s just that each time I remember about that part of the crash, I feel like I can smell the fuel, the charred tyre, and-” Eunseok’s breath hitches. “The smell of blood.”
Wonbin releases a shaky breath, not being able to imagine what it’s like being in Eunseok’s shoes. It must feel absolutely horrible, he would think.
“Fuck, I feel like I might puke again,” Eunseok mumbles, running a hand down his face.
“Hey,” Wonbin says and Eunseok looks up, his eyes tired. “Let’s not talk about this anymore, alright. At least not now. I’m sorry I probed you earlier- I just thought it would help.”
“I get it. I, too, thought that it would help but I think I’m just going to not even think about it for now.”
Seeing the look of grimace on Eunseok’s face, Wonbin can’t stop the small smile that makes it’s way on his lips.
He internal sighs. Wonbin really does love this man right before him.
“Other than the crash, did you-“ Wonbin hesitates a bit but then asks, hopeful. “Did you remember anything else?”
Please say yes, Wonbin thinks. Even just a little bit.
“No.”
And that one answer is enough to water away the small flame of hope inside of him.
“Oh, alright,” Wonbin says, trying to be understanding and rearranging his expression so that it doesn’t show a look of disappointment.
With the way Eunseok is looking at him, like he feels guilty, Wonbin thinks his expression shows otherwise.
“Erm,” Wonbin begins standing up from the couch, ready to head to their bedroom. “I think I am going to wash up and then I’ll start with dinner.”
“You can rest first,” Wonbin continues.
“Sure,” Eunseok says, his voice small.
As Wonbin turns, he hears Eunseok call for him. He doesn’t turn and closes his eyes.
Please don’t say it. Please don’t say it.
From behind him, Eunseok says -
“I’m sorry.”
At that, Wonbin lets out a shaky breath, a tear rolling down his cheek.
***
Eunseok sighs as he lay in bed, holding onto the polaroid he managed to keep. When he kept the polaroid earlier, he didn’t know which one it was. It turned out to be the one of his birthday.
Outside, he hears the sound of the radio playing softly as Wonbin prepares dinner. Eunseok offered to help but Wonbin insisted that he rests, saying how he still hasn’t fully healed yet. All Eunseok can do is nod and off to the bedroom he goes.
Examining the polaroid, Eunseok wonders which birthday this was. Was it his most recent birthday? Or was it from a few years back? Judging from how new the polaroid looks, he thinks it is either from this year or last year.
Why is he trying so hard to remember?
Just a few days ago, he was absolutely weirded out by the idea of dating Wonbin.
Maybe ‘weirded out’ is not the best phrase to describe his feeling because it is not that he is disgusted by the idea. But in Eunseok’s memory, Wonbin has always been someone out of his reach. Perfect guy, they would always call him. Him and Wonbin were at most only acquaintances with each other because they know each other through mutual friends.
Eunseok rubs at his eyes, remembering what happened earlier.
The way Wonbin’s eyes looked so sad, downcast. Eunseok can’t seem to shake it off his head, the expression imprinted against his eyelids.
Trying to place himself in Wonbin’s shoes, he imagines having to wake up to a call about how his boyfriend - the love of his life - of almost a decade had been in a terrible traffic accident. That alone is enough to make one’s heart shatter and then to add on, as soon as he arrives at the hospital, he receive news that there is high chance of his boyfriend losing his memory.
An absolute nightmare.
Eunseok doesn’t want to think that it is pity he is feeling but rather he wants to try. Maybe when he tries, something inside him will be awakened and then all the memories will come back.
Maybe.
But he won’t know unless he tries and Eunseok is not one to give up. So he will.
Slowly, Eunseok eyes grow heavier and heavier. He tries blinking the sleep away but before he knows it, his eyes fall shut.
“You’re acting really weird right now, baby,” Eunseok said with narrowed eyes.
Walking beside him along the hallway to their apartment, Wonbin just laughed. His cute bunny teeth is showing and Eunseok ’s heart flutters like a thousand butterflies.
He always loved it when Wonbin laughs so freely around him. It is the one side of him other people do not usually get to see but Eunseok gets the privilege.
“You’re so beautiful,” Eunseok blurts out, having suddenly stopped walking.
Wonbin too stops laughing then and his eyes widen at Eunseok ’s sudden compliment. He knows this is not something new to them but Wonbin always reacts the same. Like he is not used to it. Like he doesn’t know how beautiful he really is.
His eyes softening, Wonbin smiles shyly at Eunseok , “No, you are.”
Eunseok knows that they are literally in the middle of the hallway to their apartment unit but he really just wants to -
“Come here,” Eunseok whispers, pulling Wonbin to him.
Their bodies pressed up against each other, Eunseok tightens an arm around Wonbin’s small waist. Wonbin’s arms goes to hang themselves around Eunseok ’s neck.
Cupping Wonbin’s cheek with his other free hand, Eunseok leans forward. His eyes flutter shut as he presses his lips against Wonbin’s.
Eunseok pulls back slightly to whisper an ‘I love you’ against Wonbin’s lips before Wonbin pulls him back down for another short, sweet kiss.
“Okay, that’s enough. For now,” Wonbin says, pushing Eunseok away gently. “We are late.”
Eunseok frowns, and he knows he has a pout on his face because Wonbin cut short their intimate moment. “Late for?”
Wonbin doesn’t answer and pulls his arm to continue their journey back to their apartment unit. While he is confused about what is happening, Eunseok just follows along.
Because it is Wonbin he is following and he fully trusts Wonbin always.
They finally reach their apartment unit which is the last unit at the end of the hallway. When Wonbin opens the door, he lets Eunseok enter first.
Eunseok raises a brow at Wonbin but all he gets is a tiny smirk.
“Surprise!”
The lights in their apartment is suddenly switched on and standing in the living room is their little group of friends. From Sungchan and Chanyoung, his boyfriend, to Seunghan and Shotaro.
“Wh-what? What is going on?” Eunseok asks, his mind blank.
“It’s your birthday!” Wonbin shouts from behind him. “Honestly, I can’t believe you forgot about it but it’s fine because it worked well with the surprise we planned for you.”
“Oh my God,” Eunseok mumbles.
Before he knows it, Shotaro is right before him with his birthday cake. Only one candle on it and Eunseok is absolutely fine by it because he honestly doesn’t need to be reminded of the fact that he is a year older.
“Thank you, guys. I- I really don’t know what to say. I think I’m still surprised by all this,” Eunseok laughs, scratching the back of his neck. “Man, I am really getting older.”
Wonbin snorts from beside him. “We will all grow older, slowly lose our memory and then eventually die.”
“But I’d never forget you,” Eunseok replies cheekily, sending Wonbin a playful wink.
Wonbin only chuckles and shakes his head. Eunseok knows that Wonbin probably thinks he is being his usual playful self but he actually means it.
Next thing he knows, the others make him wear a sash and a headband. He probably looks silly but the way Wonbin is smiling at him with the look of adoration he always gives him, Eunseok doesn’t mind.
“Make a wish,” Wonbin says excitedly from beside him.
Eunseok laughs at how child-like Wonbin looked then. Putting his hands together, he closes his eyes and makes a wish to himself.
“Thank you for bringing Park Wonbin into my life. Please don’t ever make him disappear from my life.”
“Eunseok.”
He hears someone calling for him.
“It’s time to wake up for dinner.”
Immediately, Eunseok’s eyes snap open. The first thing he sees is Wonbin’s face. Blinking slowly, Eunseok’s hand goes to rub along his lips as if he can feel the soft plush lips of Wonbin’s on his, Wonbin’s smaller body pressed against his, the feeling of surprise from that night.
It felt real. As though it actually happened.
“You alright?” Wonbin asks worriedly.
Those eyes that appeared so bright and sparkly in his dream, now seem so sad and lifeless. Eunseok’s chest tightens and his heart aches.
“Y-yeah,” Eunseok mumbles. “I’ll be right out.”
Wonbin eyes Eunseok one last time, before nodding his head and leaving their bedroom.
Eunseok lets out a long shaky breath, his hands gripping onto the bedsheet.
Please don’t ever make him disappear from my life.
***
eunseok [3:01pm]
sungchan
sungchan [3:01pm]
did something happen???
eunseok [3:02pm]
listen… you need to calm down
sungchan [3:02pm]
not after what happened
eunseok [3:05pm]
i am fine. don’t worry about me. but
sungchan [3:15pm]
you leave me hanging and expect me to not worry?
eunseok [3:16pm]
sorry.. was busy with something but anyway, i think my memories are slowly coming back
sungchan [3:17pm]
holy….
eunseok [3:17pm]
yeah… i honestly thought they were dreams at first but i don’t think so. they felt real. too real
sungchan [3:18pm]
so.. have you realise how much you love wonbin?
eunseok [3:20pm]
i mean, i definitely could tell it through my dreams. or should I say memories…? but i don’t think i personal have felt it yet…?
sungchan [3:20pm]
or maybe you’re just in denial
eunseok [3:21pm]
what’s your point?
sungchan [3:22pm]
have you ever thought that maybe you already do know that you love him but you aren’t accepting it for some reason
eunseok [3:23pm]
god this is giving me a headache
sungchan [3:24pm]
hey… take it easy
eunseok [3:24pm]
why can’t my memories just come back already. this is so frustrating
sungchan [3:25pm]
you lost 10 years’ worth of memories.. it’s understandable. i’m sorry if sometimes it feels like we are pressuring you
sungchan [3:40pm]
eunseok?
eunseok [3:40pm]
i think i’m gonna start actually trying
sungchan [3:41pm]
try?
eunseok [3:41pm]
i don’t know.. just try to put in more effort. to get to know him again. take initiatives and do more activities with him
sungchan [3:42pm]
oh wow.. that’s great seok-ah
eunseok [3:45pm]
wish me luck
sungchan [3:46pm]
you will be fine.. wonbin loves you very much. he’d be happy to see you taking these steps forward
“Hey,” Wonbin asks from across him, having slipped his bookmark in between the pages of the book he was reading.
Eunseok looks up from his phone. “Yes?”
“Do you-“ Wonbin pauses, his index finger drawing empty circles on the cover of his book. “Do you want to go out somewhere today?”
Go out? Like, a date?
Eunseok opens his mouth before shutting it again.
“It- It’s fine if you don’t want!” Wonbin says quickly, stammering. “I j-just thought we could go out today instead of staying in.”
That heaviness in his chest is back. The way Wonbin is so quick to think that Eunseok wouldn’t like the idea.
Somehow, it leaves a bitter taste in his tongue.
But can he really blame Wonbin?
“Sure,” Eunseok replies, a smile making it’s way to his lips.
He needs Wonbin to understand that slowly but steadily, he is trying.
***
“Any suggestions of where you want to go?” Wonbin asks as he takes off his t-shirt to change into more appropriate clothing.
After Eunseok agreed, they both head to their bedroom to change.
Eunseok watches Wonbin’s back. Despite him being smaller than Eunseok, his shoulders are broad and it makes Eunseok want to wrap his arms around them.
Something stirs inside of him as he watches Wonbin move back and forth, deciding what to wear.
His back looks really inviting.
Eunseok wonders what it feels like to run his fingers down the slope of his spine, to press kisses on his smooth skin, to-
“Eunseok?” Wonbin turns, eyes wide and brows raised.
Eunseok whips back around, feeling heat rise from his chest to his neck. He takes off his shirt too, internally chastising himself for ogling Wonbin so openly . “I- I-“
Whoa, where did all that come from?
“Eunseok, it’s fine,” Wonbin says from behind him, albeit timidly. “You don’t have to feel embarrassed by it.”
“No, no. I-” Eunseok begins protesting.
“In fact, I like it.”
Thump, goes his heart.
Well then.
Still feeling embarrassed and not knowing how to respond to that, Eunseok clears his throat and continues deciding on what to wear. He finally settles on a white jacket to wear over a red t-shirt.
“Anyway, I think maybe we can go to the frozen yogurt place you like,” Eunseok says casually.
He doesn’t really know why he suggested that place but somehow that came to him on automatic.
When Eunseok turns around after putting on his clothes, he sees Wonbin looking at him with a small frown on his faces
“How... did you know?”
“Know what?” Eunseok asks back, confused.
“That I prefer frozen yogurt over ice-cream,” Wonbin quietly says, and his eyes show a glimmer of hope.
Eunseok scratches the back of his head. “Did I?”
“Oh.” Wonbin lets out a dejected sigh. “I thought you remembered.”
“It was somehow the right thing to say,” Eunseok replies, his voice small.
“I’m-“ He is about to apologize again.
“Don’t say it please,” Wonbin cuts him off, his voice sharp. “Just- don’t.”
Eunseok suddenly feels small and his eyes start prickling. He feels stupid because why the fuck does he feel like crying?
He is frustrated because it feels like no matter what he does, it’s only ever going to hurt Wonbin.
And Eunseok has come to learn that he doesn’t like that.
“I’m sorry,” Wonbin apologizes, a look of regret on his face. “That was harsh of me.”
Eunseok swallows back down the tears stuck in his throat.
“It’s fine,” Eunseok croaks out and he winces. Now Wonbin will know that he is being a baby.
Not daring to look up, Eunseok looks down. He hears the sound of feet moving towards him and a hand reaches out to give his a gentle squeeze.
“Sorry again. I’ll wait outside for you.”
***
“Your favourite,” Wonbin says, passing Eunseok a cone with frozen yogurt and fruits on it.
Frozen yogurt on a cone. That is something new to him.
Eunseok gives it a try, letting the dessert melt on his tongue as he taste the sweet and sour flavour of the yogurt.
“Mmm!” Eunseok exclaims in delight.
Wonbin beams at his reaction, a smile lighting up his whole face.
“You like it, right?” Wonbin asks, a little too excited.
Wonbin then says, offhandedly, chuckling. “At least that hasn’t changed.”
Because everything else about you has.
The implied meaning of Wonbin’s jab.
Eunseok knows that Wonbin isn’t being serious or trying to be mean by that but somehow Eunseok feels a little hurt by it.
He chooses to push it aside, thinking he probably deserves it anyway. Maybe this is what Wonbin felt previously when Eunseok unintentionally said those insensitive remarks.
Deciding to change the subject, Eunseok asks curiously, “What flavour is this?”
“It’s grape-flavoured and then we just add fruits on top. Your other favourite is the vanilla one. You might think it’s basic but...”
Wonbin’s voice becomes background noise - like a buzz - as Eunseok starts zoning out, noticing the smudge of frozen yogurt at the corner of Wonbin’s mouth.
It is distracting.
Before he can process any further, Eunseok leans forward and cups Wonbin’s cheeks. His thumb slowly caresses the apple of Wonbin’s cheek.
Wonbin stills and it only gives Eunseok the chance to lean in further until he can feel the warm breath from between Wonbin’s lips against his.
“What are you doing?” Wonbin whispers, voice right.
Eunseok answers by grazing his lips at the corner of Wonbin’s lips where the smudge was - his tongue coming out a bit, just enough to lick the frozen yogurt away.
He moves slightly so that his lips are right before Wonbin’s. The next thing Eunseok knows, his mouth is fitting over Wonbin’s as he captures the smaller man’s mouth in a deep, lip-crushing kiss.
“Earth to Eunseok,” Wonbin says, waving his hand in front of Eunseok’s face.
Eunseok snaps out of his daze, his mouth dry and his heart racing. His eyes shifts to look at Wonbin’s lips.
The smudge of frozen yogurt still at the corner of Wonbin’s mouth.
Fuck. Did he really just-?
Eunseok swallows hard.
“Erm, you got a little something over there,” Eunseok tells Wonbin, gesturing to his lips.
“Oh!” Wonbin quickly understanding what Eunseok meant, he laughs lightly, using the back of his hand to wipe it away.
His heart is still thrumming at what happened earlier and by the end of their “date”, Eunseok is certain of two things:
- Wonbin is so goddamn beautiful it should be prohibited.
- Eunseok is fucked and that maybe, Sungchan was right.