Chapter Text
“My names Baggins, actually. I must ask you to take off your shoes at the door! Please, don’t touch that, that’s a- DROP THAT MAP RIGHT NOW, YOUNG MAN!”
Fili thought that the hobbit was a bit scary- not that he would admit that out loud! But after seeing the other meeker, softer hobbit that they passed on the way here, he was really expecting someone a bit more quiet. Mr. Baggins was still polite; but whenever he caught them trying to enter the room at the end of the hall, or poking the intricate map, or dumping a weapon just anywhere, he would snap at you and give you a proper dressing down until you stopped whatever it was you were doing that made him so angry.
“Put your weapons on the table in the waiting room!” Mr. Baggins had said sternly, spiriting away Kili’s knives when they were placed on the kitchen table. “Don’t go into the room at the end of the hall,” he told everyone as soon as they arrived. “Don’t use your knife like that! And for good heavens, get your feet off the table before I hit you with my frying pan!”
Master Baggins did indeed hit Dwalin with his frying pan when the dwarf had been trying to eat a cookie before the hobbit had decreed them to be done. He swept out anyone who had been in the kitchen, and threatened them until they agreed to stay out. Then the hobbit fluttered around the house, yelling at the dwarves to behave, only occasionally disappearing into the kitchen to bring out a seemingly never-ending supply of food.
He didn’t even get crushed by the avalanche of guests that burst through his front door, merely leaping back like a startled doe. And when Thorin opened his mouth and insulted him by calling him a grocer, of all things, a wicked light entered the hobbit’s eyes and he twirled his frying pan in his hand but said nothing. That was the scariest thing of all.
“Alright,” the hobbit sighed at last, once the dwarves had all stopped singing and eating and were settled for serious business. “Let me see that contract then.”
He took the offered paper gingerly and settled in a small chair, a biscuit in the other hand. His eyebrows furrowed as he started at the top of the paper and read his way down. He hummed a few times, tittered in amusement, frowned disapprovingly, and stuck his tongue out someplace in the middle.
“Well, I have to say,” Master Baggins said, after setting the paper on his lap and taking a bite of biscuit, “this has some wonderful nomenclature and polysyllabic obfuscation. However, I don’t know any proper hobbit who speaks enough dwarfish to use it in a defense against an accusation. And I have to ask that you change the pronouns to a plural on here, please- and it didn’t mention anything on taking pets with you, which I am almost certain Bingo will want to do. He’s rather fond of his dog, you see.”
The dwarves stared at Bilbo, baffled, as the hobbit stood up to go find some ink to correct the contract.
"Oh, and my brother should be home soon, so do try to leave some apple dumplings for him," Bilbo asked as he shuffled into the living room, waving the piece of paper over his head to get their attention. Bombur blushed and set the plate down again.