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Fuck.
This wasn’t what Patrick had wanted, at all.
He knew he needed to talk to Rachel, it was just…
Well.
He didn’t want to. They’d had so many arguments, he’d tried to explain it to her so many times. And now she was here? Ruining his relationship. Fuck. He was angry. But could he really be angry at her?
He rubbed his hands over his face and tried to shake himself out of it. He knew it was his own fault, really. He should have found a way to tell David about Rachel in the past four months, but he was just scared. Scared David would think that he was the type to run away from his problems. David had enough baggage- surely, he wouldn’t have held this against him? Now the entire thing would be tarnished by the fact that he’d kept it from him, and he might never get the chance to know.
Fuck.
Patrick stood outside room nine, brokenhearted by the words David had said. That he needed some time with this. Was he breaking up with him? Fuck, he didn’t know. A sob burst out of him. Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!
He shook his head again and took a deep breath, trying to think about what he needed to say to Rachel, without biting her head off.
“Patrick?” The motel door in front of him swung open before he could compose himself. Oh well. He guessed he was doing this now.
“Rachel. Can we…” he indicated into her room. She nodded and stepped out of his way. He walked into the room and turned, his hands on his hips.
Rachel closed the door and looked at him, her eyes full of sadness.
“Why are you here Rachel?” he said with exasperation.
“I just thought… I don’t know,” she said and sat down stiffly on the bed, her hands clasped tightly together in her lap. He watched her with annoyance. If she hadn’t shown up, he’d be eating burgers with the Roses and laughing, right now.
She sighed and wiped her eyes, and he softened. His shoulders dropped and he felt the annoyance at her fade away, remembering that if he had just told David, he would be dealing with this today together with him, and not alone without the support of any of the friends he had made in Schitt’s Creek.
“What do you want from me? We broke up. I told you I was moving away so we didn’t fall back into it… I just don’t know what you thought you could achieve coming here.”
“Now I’m here, I don’t either. I had in my head that with some space and time alone to…” Rachel paused, shaking her head. “Anyway. I thought you might be finally ready to settle down. In my head, it was a romantic gesture. But now…”
She huffed out a laugh. “You think I’m a psycho stalker now, don’t you?”
The last of the anger directed at her left him. “No. I know that’s not you. You just... Well, let's just say that you showing up here today wasn’t ideal.”
“Are you…” her words petered off.
“Am I, what?” Patrick asked curtly. God, he needed to temper himself, but he couldn’t. He just didn’t have it in him to be what she needed from him right now. Honesty was all he had right now. The irony of this was not lost on him, seeing as a lack of honesty was what brought him here.
“Well, Alexis's brother looked pretty upset and nobody wanted to tell me anything about what was happening, but…” Rachel bit her lip, pausing like she always did when she was trying to find her word. “Are you dating him?”
He huffed. “I don’t know. I was but now…”
“You didn’t tell him about me?”
“We haven’t been together that long,” Patrick said, hoping that a small white lie would help convince himself that he shouldn't feel guilty not having told David.
“I didn’t know…”
“There is a reason for that,” Patrick said and raised his eyebrows. “My life isn’t your business anymore. On purpose.”
Rachel looked shocked, opening and closing her mouth.
“I don’t want to upset you, Rachel. But I was clear. I left. And I know I’m not good at talking about the hard stuff, so maybe I have to learn to be more upfront. I didn’t tell you I thought I might be gay when I left because I wasn’t ready to tell anyone. Did I ever give you any indication that I wasn’t being truthful when I said we needed space so we could move on?”
Rachel took a deep breath. “No. But you left. I stayed! Do you know how hard it is to have every single person ask me where you are and when we are getting married even though I told them we had broken up? Always reminding me how we were the ‘best couple’” she spat those last words out venomously, “and how we would make up? I guess I started to believe it.”
“Okay. I can see that. Sorry,” Patrick winced at the bitterness in her words. He knew how nosy the people in his hometown could be.
She raised her eyebrows.
“As in I’m sorry you had to go through that,” he clarified. He wasn’t sorry he left. How could he be?
“Thanks.”
“But that's not on me,” he reminded her.
“I know,” Rachel admitted.
“Okay, well,” Patrick looked at her, her sad eyes not having the effect on him they once did. Hopefully, Stevie would help him. He knew she was David’s bestie, but they had gotten pretty tight in the past four months. Surely, she would realise that he didn’t mean to hurt David. He honestly just needed to get out of here. “Listen. I can’t. I just can’t be the one to offer you words of comfort today. I’ve fucked this up so badly.”
“It’s okay…” Rachel said and then furrowed her brow at him, realization dawning on her face. “You aren’t talking about this, me, are you? You are talking about him…”
“David,” Patrick informed her.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this,” Rachel said, blowing out a breath. She looked stunned.
Patrick just raised his eyebrow. “I’m gay. I might be in love with him. And by not talking about the hard stuff, I may have just hurt him too much. Sorry Rachel, but I thought when I left I had done the best I could. I know now that wasn’t the case. Or maybe it was the way we kept getting back together when I knew it wasn’t going to work out.”
“God. Why did you propose Patrick?”
Patrick shrugged. “You wanted it. I always felt like such a shitty boyfriend, I just kept trying to make you happy, without worrying about being happy myself.”
Rachel’s face dropped. “How long were you unhappy?”
“Honestly? I loved hanging out with you Rach. Being friends with you made me happy. All the rest? I was never really into it.”
Rachel’s mouth hung open and she looked shocked. “Okay- you should go,” she said and reached into her pocket to pull out a tissue.
Patrick paused. “I’m sorry that you thought that we could be repaired. I’m sorry I didn’t answer your texts. I really thought I had made myself clear… and I am sorry you had to find out like this. I haven’t told anyone outside Schitt’s Creek yet…”
“Your parents don’t…” Rachel asked, her brow furrowed.
“No.”
“Okay,” Rachel said softly. “I would never out someone.”
“Great. Thanks. I gotta…” Patrick pointed to the door and she nodded, before blowing her nose.
He didn’t need to be here for this. She needed to have her break down about losing their relationship. He needed to make a plan to get the relationship he really wanted back. He paused as he placed his hand on the doorknob, and then turned a little to face her.
“I’ll call. When I work out what is going on here, I’ll call. We should have an honest conversation. I don’t think we ever have.”
Her lips turned up with a ghost of a smile and her eyes glistened with unshed tears. “That would be good.”
“Just. I can’t today,” Patrick said. “Goodbye, Rachel.”
“Goodbye, Patrick.”
***