Archive of Our Own ^beta

The notification bell resounded in the silence of the open kitchen as she was fixing herself something to eat. That morning by the kitchen counter, it was instant ramen and toast. She should have more than that for she had dance training the whole day... But she just had no appetite.

Shen Xiaoting didn't immediately check her tablet. She only did so after she had finished her toast and had a spoonful of ramen soup. Dusting off the crumbs from her fingers, she opened her account. She leaned against the counter as she read the new message.

It was a booking confirmation to a private beach house.

The whole message didn't click in her head until she saw her name typed in right after her own.

A name she could write in English, Mandarin, Hangeul, and Nihongo. A name that hadn't left her mind. Even when she no longer had the right to casually mention it for already two years.

*

Kawaguchi Yurina sat down heavily on her couch. She momentarily closed her eyes, and breathed in as deeply as she could manage without--

With shaky hands, she scrolled down the email again.

It held the details of reservation of the private beach house they... She and Shen Xiaoting had booked more than two years ago. It finally came.

Yurina's heartbeat echoed within as she was reminded again of why they had chosen that beach house in the first place.

"You'll love it," Xiaoting assured her with a proud smile on her face.

Yurina internally shook her head, willing the memories of her to stop resurfacing and catching her off guard. She should be preparing her things before her manager would arrive to pick her up.

But seeing Shen Xiaoting's name again beside her own... Made her want to crawl back to bed and stay there until...

She didn't know anymore. For two years, her first priority had been to force herself--push a particular feeling down.

"I'll love it? What makes you so sure?" Yurina with a teasing lilt in her voice. She enjoyed the way Xiaoting's cheeks had reddened in an instant. "Is the house made of Shen Xiaoting?"

Her girlfriend buried her face onto the crook of her neck. "Yurina..."

She chuckled. "Then what?"

"Because it's by the sea..."

*

"A private house by the sea."

Xiaoting massaged the bridge of her nose. She could feel her manager, Dongwon, heavily pacing behind her, shooting the back of her head with disapproving glares.

"'Five days four nights... For Kawaguchi Yurina and Shen Xiaoting.' What in PR hell is this?"

"It's completely private, oppa."

Xiaoting was told not to leave her apartment once her manager had known. A "Stay put. Don't bring this mess over to the agency yet" made her wait for her manager to arrive. All the while, she stared at the latest email until the words floated and made her numb.

Except it didn't make her numb. Far from it, as her chest resumed its dull ache she thought her body had forgotten to feel...

"Does Mashiro know about this?"

Xiaoting almost winced at the mention of her band-mate, their leader, and admittedly, the most sensible member of Trifecta. "No... She would have stabbed me with a mic already."

"Why would she..." Dongwon stopped. He looked like he wanted to ask why, but thought better of it as he asked instead, "Youngeun?"

Xiaoting shook her head fast. "She'd be the first to remind me of it, and not the email."

"Right," Dongwon said, seemingly remembering that Youngeun was the least discreet member in their trio. Always spilling comeback spoilers, and teasing the other members openly on and off cam.

"Does..." It was Xiaoting's turn to ask. "Does the management know already?"

Except it wasn't what she wanted to really ask.

'Will they let me go to Japan?' and 'is she going?' kept swirling in her head.

Dongwon breathed out through his nose. He replied without looking up from his work phone, "They know now, and they'll get back to me, or you'll be asked to go 'upstairs.'"

Xiaoting closed her eyes at the reminder. The only times she was asked to talk to the director face to face were mostly during their annual checking-up-on-the-artists talks... And that time the news broke out about her and Yurina being spotted on an obviously-romantic date at an upscale traditional restaurant in Kyoto.

"Does this have something to do with your personal trip two months ago?"

Xiaoting didn't answer that.

"The director shouldn't worry about this anymore." Xiaoting sighed heavily. She looked down at her hands clasped on her lap.

"Rina... Yurina and I broke up two years ago," she added, muttering. It sounded like a reminder to herself. Saying the other girl's name still made her--

"You call that a break up?" Seemed like Dongwon had another 'reminding' to do.

Something she had never once able to forget.

"She cut the length of her visit, and flew back to Japan without saying goodbye."

Xiaoting could only shake her head and avoid her manager's stare. No matter how many times she had told everyone close to her that it wasn't Yurina's fault, the 'left without saying goodbye' part was all that stuck.

And that part was the most true.

"You got a more mature image because of that 'heartbreak.' They won't give Trifecta pop and bubbly songs up until now because of your current image."

The pop and bubbly image could only fit one of the three members of their group, and she wasn't that member. But she held that retort back. She was already in hot water for one reason. She didn't want to add 'questioning the management's choice' to the mix.

"By the way, Ayumi-sshi is still her manager, right?"

*

Yurina glanced up from her new script. After two seconds, she looked back down at the scene she had been stuck in for 20 minutes already.

Ayumi, her manager since the start of her entire acting career, paced around the reading room while frowning at their work tablet. She huffed. Then she huffed again, a little louder.

And Yurina had been distracted since her manager stormed in the quiet room, fully knowing that she had hidden there as soon as they arrived at the office.

Ayumi had been pacing in front of her, with heavy footsteps, broad shoulders hunched, an almost-permanent frown on her face and all. She even tugged at her own short hair twice in obvious frustration.

Yurina knew fully well what was coming next. She had expected it the moment her manager found the 'reservation' in her work email which Ayumi also had access to and checked daily while having her morning tea at the break room.

Ayumi must have had only two sips judging from the agitation Yurina could feel from less than two meters away.

"Yurina-san."

"Yes, Ayumi-san?"

"How many times have I told you not to use your own name when booking personal appointments or trips?"

"Almost every week," Yurina replied promptly.

"I always remind you to use my name and account," Ayumi emphasized each word with a clap.

"We planned that trip for ourselves, by ourselves." Yurina emphasized a few words of her own, too. She ignored the twinge in her heart at the word 'ourselves.'

"And if I have to go in your stead just to keep you away from her, I'll take that trip myself."

Yurina pursed her lips together as she averted her eyes. Regardless of Ayumi's serious, or sometimes unserious, and a little scary demeanor, her manager meant well. Being naggy was Ayumi's usual initial reaction before eventually showing her worry and care for her. The past two years had been a testament to how often Yurina had witnessed that.

"There's no need to do that, Ayumi-san," Yurina placated her manager. At the back of her mind, no matter what had happened between her and Xiaoting, she still wouldn't let Ayumi come near Xiaoting within 10 meter radius. "It's all in the past."

Ayumi stopped in front of the desk she was using and looked at her squarely. Yurina recognized that stare. It was the kind of stare she had received for a month after the last time she had gone back from Korea... Two years ago.

"Being in love made you... Careless," Ayumi said. Yurina had heard that, too. From her closest friends, from Megumi.

"You can say the other word, Ayumi-san."

"What word?"

"'Stupid.'"

Ayumi's frown from before had turned into an impish grin, breaking the usually-serious expression her manager had on. "For the record, that completely came out of your own mouth."

"Ayumi-san..." Yurina almost pouted. But she was grateful to not think about the email for a few seconds while they joked around... Or rather while she was made fun of.

"Why couldn't you just date around like ordinary young women your age?" Ayumi sighed heavily, as if Yurina's love life... Or lack of, was draining her of blood.

Yurina stared at her manager dryly. She made a show of flipping a page of the new movie script sent for her to check. There really wasn't anything ordinary about their jobs.

Ayumi rolled her eyes. "No, scratch that. Why did you have to fall in love with that--that girl who didn't deserve you and left you like this?"

I was the one who left.

But Yurina didn't say it out loud. It was rhetorical, and Ayumi had asked that a hundred times over the course of two years. And only her and Shen Xiaoting knew the answer to why and how they had fallen in love...

And how they ended.

Yurina sighed instead, and decided, saying the things her manager and her agency would probably want to hear... "Do you want me to cancel it?"

*

"We're not canceling."

"What?" Xiaoting stood up straighter by the window. "I thought..."

She couldn't read Dongwon's face yet, because her manager's head was turned to his phone, away from her view. She was surprised at the turn of events. She remembered having a schedule overlapping the dates of the trip.

She ignored the huge part of her that was relieved... Maybe Yurina's agency had reached out and told hers to let her and Yurina have that time away for themselves. Maybe Yurina herself had asked to have that chance to--

"The reservation was leaked on social media."

Oh.

Dongwon breathed out through his nose again. "This supposed-to-be-angsty reunion between celebrity exes had turned into a fluffy feature material."

Xiaoting couldn't feel the fluff in the situation though.

"Apparently, the elderly owners of the place have been looking forward to this. They're excited to be a part of this 'reunion' between you two, and have been sprucing up the place for weeks now. And their grandson who was too young to know about privacy clauses, shared online the 'exciting' project his grandparents were doing." Dongwon scrolled down his phone again. "I admit, it's cute. 80-year-old married couple and still running their family's rental business..."

Xiaoting didn't know the history of the beach house when she suggested it to Yurina back then. Even when she had met the owners. All she could remember was that...

Memories, fragments from two years ago had kept resurfacing ever since she had seen the email. And Xiaoting had been trying not to shut down as the memories kept becoming clearer and clearer as if two years had only happened yesterday.

"...And judging from the reactions, people are supportive of this 'reunion.'"

They wanted to witness the drama, more likely. But Xiaoting kept it to herself.

"You're enjoying this." She sighed tiredly. The turn of events had been abrupt, wearing her down.

"Yes, I actually am... Anything that doesn't make my blood pressure shoot up while reading online comments is welcome."

That was basically what her own agency thought, too. As long as it was good for Trifecta's image, they would let it happen.

Her agency wasn't particularly opposed of her relationship with Kawaguchi Yurina in the past. Yurina had always had a sweet image in Japan, a darling to anyone older than them, and a cute, older sister to the younger audience.

But when Yurina had stopped flying to Seoul to see her... Social media had become a mess of speculations. Opinions were divided. Her agency just let it die down, and it did, eventually, but only after three weeks or so. Her agency took advantage of the situation, and their following single was amped up from a 'normal amount of sexy' concept to 'rising up from heartbreaks and doubling the sexiness because of it,' and charted after. The 'break-up,' already half-forgotten.

Xiaoting had been numb the whole time. She wasn't asked to make a statement, so she distanced herself from all her official social media accounts for months, and didn't say a thing. She didn't know what to say in the first place. She jumped into comebacks without really processing what was happening and what had happened. It was like activities with Trifecta was making her busy, and too occupied to notice the suddenness of it all. That she had a girlfriend for two years, and then one night happened, and she no longer had one.

She only broke out of that numbness when Yurina's activities in Japan reached her. Seeing Yurina repeatedly get paired up with one particular model made it all real...

That yes, Yurina had left.

Yurina was no longer hers.

* * *

Yurina's agency allowed her to have the trip. They postponed one photoshoot to accommodate it. She could also continue studying her new script when she got back. It was better for her image if she would go rather than make up an excuse not to. Whatever public activity she had for that week would be compared and scrutinized anyway. Especially when that trip had already spread on social media.

Yurina already knew that it would happen any other way. And in her agency's own words, "You're an actress. Just act like everything's fine between you two."

Like that wasn't what she had been doing for the past two years -- act like she was completely fine.

Her agency wasn't particularly opposed to Yurina's relationship with Shen Xiaoting in the past. Xiaoting always had a clean image. No scandals. No attitude problems to report. No bad rumors revolving around her. But the agency was obviously relieved when Yurina had stopped spending every free time she had traveling back and forth to Seoul like the country was only one train-ride away from Tokyo. After half a year, they were finally able to give her projects where she was paired up with other actors and actresses, too. One of those projects was where she had met Megumi, a quiet and taller model known for her shoulder-length hair and perfect jawline.

And Megumi had gone completely still during their regular video call, after Yurina told her where she would be for the next week. Yurina had foreseen that reaction. They had worked together multiple times, and had gone out to dinner a lot of times, too, for Yurina to know. But she still had packing to do, and some compartmentalizing to re-learn. So she ended the call with, "I'll talk you again later."

Yurina grew more conscious of the time with every day that passed. It was like every move she made only brought her closer to seeing Xiaoting again. And she didn't know what to feel first.

Yurina found herself spacing out in her spare time. She had been staring at the ticking wall clock in the office pantry when Ayumi found her, too.

"Is there any chance you two could talk before your trip?" Was how Ayumi greeted her that morning, the day before she needed to leave.

Yurina pursed her lips together before her manager could catch them trembling. She managed a one-shoulder shrug and a "We lasted this long without talking. Nothing would change."

Ayumi looked unconvinced. She was searching her face in that familiar way of hers. Just like every time Yurina was caught putting on a front off-cam.

Yurina took her bottle of fruit juice to the kitchen island, and occupied one of the barstools. It was also to partially hide her face from Ayumi's further scrutiny.

"The seaside property is huge, and private," she reminded her manager of the place they had booked years ago and had seen again just recently. "The beach house is spacious, has two rooms and an open kitchen. We can spend five days without running into each other."

There was another twinge in her heart at the thought of being in the same space as Xiaoting again. It was only a thought, that small probability, and she was already close to--

"One bathroom."

"What?"

Ayumi added with an even tone. "It only has one full bathroom. With a bathtub."

Yurina swayed in her seat. She grabbed her barstool to center herself. Her manager fortunately didn't notice.

Memories of that night... When they were sitting side by side on Yurina's couch, in her apartment during a weekend Xiaoting was allowed to spend wherever she liked. And most times, Xiaoting flew to Japan to see her. They were in comfortable matching pajamas. Her chin was propped on Xiaoting's shoulder as they browsed down a list of private rental houses bookmarked on Xiaoting's laptop. Her leg was draped over one of Xiaoting's. There were usual tiny buzzing under her skin...

Xiaoting chuckled, shaking her head. She closed the tab of another rental property because it had no bathtub like Yurina wanted. "You snob."

"No, I'm not!" Yurina denied, playfully swatting Xiaoting's arm.

"You so are, babe."

Yurina faked a yawn against Xiaoting's back. "I might need it when I get bored of you."

Xiaoting reached up a hand, and patted Yurina's head with it. She reassured her, "I won't let you get bored."

"Hmmn." Yurina feigned doubt. "We'll see when we get there."

But before Yurina could pay attention back to the laptop screen--

Xiaoting closed her laptop, and swiftly placed it on the coffee table. And in just a matter of a second, not without a short squeal, Yurina found herself lying on her back on the couch with her girlfriend on top of her.

"I won't let you out of my sight either," Xiaoting said, with mischief in her voice and intent in her dark eyes.

Xiaoting trapped Yurina's hands between them, and began peppering kisses on Yurina's neck and collarbones.

"Skinship all day for five days," Xiaoting said.

Yurina's squeals and her girlfriend's muffled laughter echoed within the privacy of her apartment.

"Babe!"

*

Xiaoting snapped out of her thoughts upon hearing her manager clear her throat.

Dongwon muttered, "You're remembering something, and judging by that look on your face and redness of your neck, I know it's better not to ask."

Youngeun snickered beside her, while Xiaoting didn't need to turn to her other side to catch the exasperated look Mashiro had on.

Xiaoting ignored the other members, and pretended to cough rather than to deny what Dongwon already knew about her. Dongwon had been Trifecta's manager ever since they debuted. He was there when she first met Yurina. He was also there when Yurina left, a witness to how Xiaoting had 'dealt' with the 'break-up.'

She went back to her work tablet, to review her newly-adjusted schedule after her trip to Japan. The dates were floating before her though. She could barely concentrate when she was still processing her upcoming flight.

"Are you sure it's fine if you two don't talk before this?" Dongwon asked, typing on his phone. "You still have today before leaving tomorrow."

Mashiro and Youngeun dropped their own 'reading,' too, to openly turn to her and hear her reply. They might no longer be vocal in expressing their own takes regarding each other's respective romantic or platonic relationships outside of Trifecta and their families, but Xiaoting knew that the two were especially worried for her being alone on that trip. They had had the front row seats in witnessing the effects of her heartbreak after all.

Xiaoting shook her head. "She might not appreciate it."

"So you'll just show up?" Youngeun asked, wincing as if she was already regretting that decision more than Xiaoting.

She could feel a pout forming on her face, so she ducked her head and focused back on her schedule. "Ayumi-sshi already confirmed that she will go. That's enough. We'll talk to each other when there's a need to talk."

Mashiro breathed out through her nose. "You and Yurina-chan are just..."

Xiaoting hadn't asked, and there was no need to, when it was obvious that Mashiro and Yurina had stayed in contact after the 'break-up.' Mashiro had mentioned it once, too, that she had never mentioned Xiaoting's name or anything related to her to Yurina, out of respect to Yurina, and loyalty to Xiaoting.

"Just call any of us if you need someone to talk to while you're there." Mashiro said in a serious tone Xiaoting usually heard when they were discussing internal problems.

"Or you can busy yourself sending us photos of the beach, and the house, and the food." Youngeun's face lit up at her own suggestion. "I read that the beach house includes full meals delivered three times everyday for five days. Is that true?"

Xiaoting couldn't help but chuckle at Youngeun's excitement over the house's amenities. "Yes, that's right."

"You and Yurina unnie really planned on a complete vacation, huh?" Youngeun said in genuine wonder. "Not even to lift a finger cooking food for yourselves."

Xiaoting didn't really think about it like that. She only had wanted to spend time with Yurina every chance she could get. Work had been hectic and stressful for them both when she booked it.

"This trip is in two years," Yurina had reminded her, as they picked out their favorites from the menu sent to them. "Our favorite foods might change by then."

Xiaoting hummed, not looking up from the screen. "You're right... Maybe we should also pick the matcha-flavored food, and see if you already like them by then."

Yurina groaned. "No! Not that, babe."

"Maybe in two years you would be less of a picky eater, too."

"You're not stopping?"

Xiaoting laughed at her girlfriend's huffy expression. "In two years, maybe you would--"

"I'm done talking to you." Yurina suddenly stood up from where she was sitting beside Xiaoting, and strode to the bedroom.

"Rina, come on!" Xiaoting went after her girlfriend who had just locked herself inside. She further teased from outside the door. "We'll get that vegetable salad every lunch."

"You know I--we both don't like vegetable salads, Xiaoting!"

Xiaoting couldn't stop the laughter bubbling from deep within her chest. She could also call it as happiness. She was just unabashedly happy.

"Yurina, love, open the door, please?"

"Xiaoting..." She didn't miss the cautious tone in Mashiro's voice, the tone her friend used when she was about to break sensitive news to them.

"I booked another room for you in town," Dongwon continued. His voice had gone lower, too... Reminiscent of those days when she couldn't get up from her couch because of overworking herself. "If you want to be picked up even before the five days are up, you can stay there."

"I'll be fine." Xiaoting tried not to wince at the twinge in her heart.

"You haven't been fine for two years."

For two years, too, she hadn't learned how to lie effectively.

"I'll be okay."

* * *

It was almost love at first sight.

Xiaoting was already enchanted.

She had heard that a Japanese actress would be joining the guest line-up along with Trifecta, and that the actress was the second lead in a live-action adaptation of a well-loved anime also popular in South Korea. Xiaoting didn't have the habit of looking up the names they would be associated with. She wanted to be genuinely surprised while filming.

The Japanese actress would be sharing with them one of the more spacious dressing rooms in the studio. She saw the name printed on a sign by the door.

'Kawaguchi Yurina'

But what Xiaoting didn't expect was for the Japanese actress to be that pretty...

She already had her hair and make-up done when the door of their dressing room opened widely. A stream of foreign words filtered in along with the newcomers.

Mashiro, the Japanese member of Trifecta, sat up straighter. Xiaoting could sense the excitement her friend was feeling. Mashiro must have missed being around people speaking her native language.

A beautiful girl had entered the room first, giving them, their manager, and Trifecta's small team of stylists, equal low bows and a shy close-lipped smile that still reached doe eyes. Something warm bloomed across Xiaoting's chest, making it slightly hard to breathe.

That could be none other than 'Kawaguchi Yurina.'

Yurina was wearing a long and lacy off-white dress with sleeves that reached her elbows. Her head was small, and her long straight black hair was held back by a scrunchy, clearly not styled yet. Her pretty face, clear of heavy make-up, was framed by light bangs, partly hiding the curious rise of eyebrows.

Xiaoting couldn't take her eyes off of the way Yurina's dark doe eyes glimmered with contained excitement and nervousness.

The Japanese actress was followed by a taller, slightly muscular, older woman who both wheeled in a small luggage and carried a set of clothes in hangers over one shoulder so easily like she was carrying bags of air.

"Don't tell me you're into older women now."

Xiaoting didn't realize she was holding her breath until Youngeun spoke beside her.

"I don't think she's looking at who you're referring to," Mashiro muttered from her other side. "And it's rude to stare, Xiaoting."

Apparently, Xiaoting also didn't realize she had been staring too much. She didn't have the time to react for an employee, wearing a shirt with the station's logo on it, came in after Yurina's small team. He told them something in his slow Japanese.

"I studied Basic Hangeul for a month," Yurina suddenly replied in equally-slow Korean but she had a proud smile on her face.

Youngeun, Trifecta's Korean member, slapped Xiaoting's arm in obvious giddiness at the effort Yurina did for the Korean leg of their movie's promotions. Mashiro also hummed in approval.

The crew member pointed something on his clipboard and gave brief instructions before he left the dressing room, and for Yurina's team to finally do their prep.

When Yurina was told to take the seat at the empty side of the long make-up table reserved for her, that was when Mashiro greeted the girl and her team in Japanese. Then before Xiaoting knew it, their leader was already making a sweep of introductions across the room. There was a series of bows and hellos in Japanese, Korean, and also some English.

All the while, Yurina's wide smile never faltered. Her gummy smile lit up her whole face, and Xiaoting was--

"And this is Shen Xiaoting, the Chinese member of Trifecta."

"Shen Xiaoting..." Yurina repeated, as if testing the sound of Xiaoting's name when she pronounced it.

And to Xiaoting, it sounded like her name just had another special meaning attached to it, all because of how Yurina had said it... It was gentle. It sounded like possibilities. It sounded like a promise...

"It's nice to meet you, Shen Xiaoting-sshi..."

*

For Kawaguchi Yurina, it was almost love at first smile.

And she had been enchanted ever since.

Their introductions in the dressing room was a bit too much for Yurina to fully remember everyone's names. She had met and was introduced to a lot of people already ever since they had arrived in Seoul. And she hoped that she wouldn't offend anyone whose names she might forget later.

But one thing was for sure... Shen Xiaoting's name was already ingrained in her mind the moment she had met the girl who owned it.

Because Xiaoting was effortlessly charming, and had a beauty that simply took her breath away.

Xiaoting was wearing a white top under a dark blue blazer, and black pants. She had her dark wavy locks over one shoulder. The rest of Trifecta had similar dark blue clothing but in different styles Yurina wasn't interested enough to compare...

...Because Xiaoting's dark, round eyes had an interested glint in them which Yurina was meeting openly.

Because along with that gaze, was a small smile which softened Xiaoting's face, making the girl look almost shy.

Something warm bloomed across Yurina's chest, making it hard to look away.

Even as the make-up artist had started working on her, Xiaoting still met her eyes through the reflection on the mirror, making her blush.

Ayumi sidled beside her, and asked with an even, unimpressed tone, "Is this a cultural difference thing, Yurina-san?"

Yurina couldn't answer for the make-up artist was applying thin gloss on her lips.

Ayumi took the chance to remind her, "We're not here to flirt."

Mashiro suddenly let out a stifled chuckle that almost sounded like she just briefly choked. The Trifecta member was only a chair away beside her.

Embarrassed at being caught, Yurina unconsciously pursed her lips together as her face grew warm.

The make-up artist whispered in light reprimand, "Stop moving, please..."

The teasing didn't end there.

The producer asked her to occupy the seat beside the Trifecta members, beside Mashiro who could be efficient in translating things for her during the show if needed. Youngeun was seated in the middle while Xiaoting was the farthest from Yurina. The youngest member kept smiling at her and Xiaoting with mischief on her face.

Because everyone with eyes would notice how Xiaoting would crane her neck to watch Yurina instead of paying attention to the show. She was so distracted that she had missed cues, too.

Eventually, other crew members and the hosts had noticed, and decided to include it in the cut. They joined Youngeun in the lighthearted teasing.

Their antics earned a smile so wide and a blush so strong on Yurina's face that the room erupted in cheers, and Xiaoting didn't deny their claims. The producers definitely had a field day.

*

At the head MC's invitation, they went out to have dinner at the nearest restaurant frequented by the crew and staff of the show. Yurina's and Trifecta's teams excitedly went along. Xiaoting was relieved that they had the rest of the night off, and giddy that Yurina's team also came despite the actress' early morning schedule the next day.

Xiaoting was a little distracted during dinner though... Because they were guided into sitting next to each other, willingly and without making a fuss; as if it was automatic that they sat together in one short bench. She and the rest of Trifecta and Yurina sat a little away from their respective staff, too, and given the 'privacy' they were granted every now and then. The staff tend to talk about work and backstage business anyway.

Mashiro, at the other side of the table, would shift to Japanese sometimes to talk to Yurina. With permission from the other non-Japanese-speaking members, of course. Beside Mashiro was Youngeun who kept eyeing Xiaoting and Yurina with a mischievous glint in her sharp eyes that didn't fade ever since filming... Maybe ever since their youngest member caught the spark between the two of them…

Well, Xiaoting hoped that there was spark from Yurina's side because--

"How long will you be in Seoul for, Yurina-chan?" Mashiro asked in Korean.

"I leave in three days."

Xiaoting couldn’t help but smile at how Yurina held out three fingers just to be clear. The Japanese actress was simply... A small thrill would spark in her chest every time Yurina did something mundane like tilt her head at a complicated Korean statement, or the way Yurina picked out most of the greens from her food, or the way Yurina's hand, the hand between the two of them, would rest on the wooden bench, close to her own hand most of the time. Xiaoting couldn't take her eyes--

"'I leave in three days,'" Youngeun echoed. She also held out three fingers.

It made Xiaoting, Mashiro, and Yurina turn to the youngest member, confused.

"I'm just checking if Xiaoting unnie would sweetly smile at me, too," Youngeun answered their silent questions with a shit-eating grin.

Xiaoting's face grew hot as quick as her hands flew across the table towards Youngeun's cheeks to squish them hard. Youngeun's cries of help were muffled, while Mashiro broke into a loud laugh followed by Yurina's shy one.

As soon as Youngeun escaped from Xiaoting's grasp, the youngest member ran away to get ice cream from the restaurant's fridge. That left Yurina casting a soft glance at Xiaoting which she couldn't meet for embarrassing reasons that were getting clearer to her. Despite a lot of things.

Even as Youngeun returned to the table with a popsicle already halved, Xiaoting couldn't help but be distracted by the short distance between her and Yurina...

...And the light thrumming in her skin not caused by the alcohol they were allowed to have.

"Really?" Yurina suddenly said in Korean, hiding her laughter behind her hand. The Japanese actress also looked at Xiaoting, amused.

"I just told a funny story about you," Mashiro supplied, before drinking from her glass of beer.

Xiaoting sat up straighter. She had been too distracted to notice that the other girls were talking about her. And then Mashiro must have picked up on a shift on her face because...

"Calm down. It's not really funny or embarrassing," Mashiro assured her, something Xiaoting didn't know she would appreciate at that time. "She just finds every story about you interesting."

And as Xiaoting dared to meet Yurina's open gaze at her, she found that she didn't mind the stories her members were exposing to someone they just met. Not at all. Not when that 'someone' would lean towards her whenever she laughed. Not when Xiaoting enjoyed the sight of Yurina looking comfortable around her and her friends. Not when every time Mashiro translated Yurina's stories to Korean for her and Youngeun's benefits, it was Xiaoting's reactions Yurina was solely observing.

As the night deepened, as the restaurant bustle slowed down, as they finished their meals and just enjoying the chatter and drinking, Xiaoting could only revel in the gentle warmth unraveling slowly within her.

And with or without alcohol in her system, Xiaoting was fully aware... Of the undeniable shift in herself, that falling sensation, not-so fleeting, fluttering...

During their spontaneous chatter, a bit tipsy, Xiaoting's pinky accidentally touched Yurina's hand under the table.

And when Yurina didn't shy from her touch, and instead linked her pinky with hers, it took a tight purse of Xiaoting's lips, and a strong self-control not to sit closer to Yurina, not to break into a huge smile, not to completely take Yurina's hand into her own, and rest them on her lap.

It was the kind of falling that Xiaoting found both daunting and thrilling.

*

Yurina couldn't help but look again at the new photos on her phone, of the bouquet of pink carnations delivered to her apartment. They were simply signed "xoxo - x," making her smile brightly almost the entire day. Ever since she had taken the photos, she couldn't count anymore the times she had opened her phone to look at them.

Even as her manager grumbled and complained from the shotgun seat of the agency car, manned by one of their senior drivers who was expressionless, almost bored, behind the wheel. He must have heard countless dating woes from other managers already.

"All those private group dates your actress friends have set up for you..." Ayumi shook her head as if she just witnessed her favorite tea brand ran out. "You ended up liking an idol active in another country."

It only made Yurina think of Xiaoting's most-recent stage performance yesterday. Xiaoting had called her from their dressing room, just to ask her for a good-luck cheer. As if Yurina hadn't already sent a video of herself saying, "fighting" along with an air kiss.

Yurina reasoned out, "Seoul is only less than three hours away."

"By plane." Ayumi eyed her at the backseat through the rear-view mirror. "To another country. Not a train to Kanazawa."

Yurina didn’t think of it that way. It didn’t change the way she saw it. "Xiaoting and I will manage, Ayumi-san."

"I'm the manager here," Ayumi huffed.

Yurina only covered her smile behind her phone. "Speaking of... Can we send the cap I bought yesterday over to her?"

"The black version of the white cap you already own?"

"Yes, it's a matching--"

"Got it."

"It's a couple ite--"

"Let's send it tomorrow."

"Thank you, Ayumi-san." Yurina couldn’t help but giggle at how frustrated her manager was acting regarding her new relationship. She and Xiaoting hadn’t completely made it official yet. They both wanted it to be in person when they actually did. She wondered--anticipated what her manager would do once that time came.

She had already re-opened her photo gallery, smiling at the pink carnations when her manager spoke again.

"I'll hunt her down if she ever made you cry even a single drop of tear," Ayumi said. Her tone was serious, with a hint of worry that Yurina didn’t think more of. "Are we clear, Yurina-san?"

"Yes, Ayumi-san."

*

Xiaoting waited for the other members to finish half of the small cheesecake she had sneaked in their practice room, before she finally opened up the topic...

The 'Proverbial Dating Ban' at their agency.

Their dating ban wasn't explicitly enforced. None of the other idols around them had talked about it that much or openly. It wasn't written in black and white. They just assumed that there was one.

But then, she and Yurina had recently became semi-official, and she suddenly felt that the dating ban had to be brought up.

"Oh, my god, unnie!" Youngeun slid closer to her across the floor, her knees missing the small paper cups of apple juice by an inch. "Way to go!"

"Congrats, Xiaoting," Mashiro said, tipping a cup to her before downing it in one go like a soju shot. "I don't know why I even worried at all when you only buy us cakes when there's good news."

Youngeun nodded her head repeatedly. She half-squeezed Xiaoting's arm and buried her face onto Xiaoting's shoulder. "I thought you wanted to leave Trifecta."

"Same thoughts here," Mashiro echoed before taking another forkful of cheesecake.

"What are you two talking about?"

"You were searching for international flights when we don't exactly have long breaks in our upcoming schedule.” Mashiro wagged her fork at her. “What are we supposed to think?"

"That I want to visit Yurina?"

"For like what, a day?" Youngeun looked at her like she just told them a joke.

"Uhmm... Over the weekend?"

"This is the first time we've seen you like this. We don't know how you are when you're in love." Mashiro leveled her with a dry look. "How unpredictable you can be."

"Or how gross," Youngeun commented under her breath.

And Xiaoting couldn’t even get annoyed at the teasing. Her conversation with Yurina the previous night had been both flirty and laced with tension... The positive, made-her-giddy kind. "I just want to see her regularly. And Mashiro, I..."

Their leader raised a hand, and said, "I got you, Xiaoting. Leave it to me. I'll talk to Dongwon oppa, and you're coming with me."

"Yes, I'll do anything you say."

Mashiro sighed deeply before turning to an excited Youngeun. "You, too."

"Of course, I'll go!" Their youngest member did a shoulder shimmy before stuffing her mouth with a chunk of cake. "I wamf fu haf the fronf sheaf..." Youngeun swallowed hard for a second. "...when Xiaoting unnie embarrasses our manager with her lovesick smile."

Xiaoting just pretended to be unaffected, even though her stomach twisted from nerves and anticipation of giving their manager a heads up, and from feeling supported by her friends.

Xiaoting shrugged, suddenly interested in her cup of apple juice. "You know, Yurina has sent over a box of Japanese snacks yesterday. But too bad, a whole pack with 'Youngeunie' written on it will be missing for some unknown reason."

Youngeun gasped. "Yurina unnie sent me snacks?!"

* * *

Ayumi had seen her off at the train station with the promise that she would personally pick her up on the last day. Her manager couldn't hide her anticipation with the mention of the 'last day,' as if it was the best part of the whole trip.

Yurina, on the other hand, had just nodded, and talked as briefly as possible. She was having a hard time pinpointing what to feel first. And she didn't want to speak, fearing that the lingering grief would end up being vocalized instead.

At least her manager didn't ask her about not taking the faster route via airplane.

On the train ride, she had settled on sitting back while drinking lavender tea. It had been a few months since she had stopped drinking it to soothe her nerves. And even though it was one of the most harmless and wholesome ways to ease stress, she thought that stopping was progress.

Because smelling lavender again brought back months-worth of memories of Shen Xiaoting. Back to a time where thinking about her was as easy as breathing…

"Why don't we go to Jeju instead?" Yurina suggested, sitting back against the headboard of Xiaoting's bed.

Xiaoting didn't answer right away. She was occupied slowly approaching the bedside table, careful of the cup of steaming lavender tea Xiaoting made for her.

Yurina tugged at the hem of Xiaoting's sleep shirt while patting the space beside her with her other hand. Xiaoting did what she silently asked, still not saying much ever since Yurina had arrived from the airport. She had also caught her girlfriend worrying her lower lip while browsing through lists of private beach houses in Japan. It had been weeks, and Xiaoting's plans to take her to one still weren't finalized.

"Ting..." Yurina whispered. She wanted to add, "What's been on your mind?" But she found that she wasn't emotionally ready to talk about the deeper reasons yet, especially since she was already exhausted from her flight earlier.

It took a few seconds of silence before Xiaoting softly replied with her lips forming an unconscious pout, "I'd prefer that you won't have to go through airports for this trip."

Yurina still caught the guilt in her girlfriend's voice, and the way Xiaoting's shoulders sagged. All she could do was shake her head, try to brush it off... Even if she knew deep inside, how it was getting harder to deny--

"You've been coming over to see me almost every weekend for the past three months." Xiaoting enclosed both of Yurina's hands with her own and laid them on her lap. Xiaoting wouldn't meet her eyes, and Yurina didn't want them to stay like that during their short weekend together.

"You're busy with your comeback." Yurina gently squeezed her girlfriend's hands. "I don't mind."

Xiaoting still wouldn't look up, but Yurina could still see the glistening of tears welling up in her girlfriend's dark round eyes.

"I wanted to see you. And I wanted to sleep beside you whenever my schedule allows."

"Rina..." Xiaoting shook her head. "Two years from now, for this trip, I'll come to you. I'll come to you by then."

Yurina nodded. The words ‘I’ll come to you’ echoing in her head, spreading warmth across her chest. Xiaoting didn’t need to voice it out. Or maybe her girlfriend didn’t know yet how much that future trip sounded like a promise to her.

That they would still be together in two years.

“Okay...” Yurina pulled Xiaoting into a hug, and against Xiaoting’s temple, she whispered, “Two years from now, I will be in Japan, waiting for you.”

*

Yurina was picked up at the train station by half of the Ikeda family, the owners of the beach house she...and Xiaoting had rented. The old matriarch was accompanied by the middle-aged son, Ryu. Yurina was greeted with a series of apologies and bowing. Ryu was the most apologetic, because not only was he the father of the seven-year-old boy who accidentally revealed the identities of his grandparents' guests, but also because his demographic knew who she was as an actress and about Xiaoting, too, more by association. He was ashamed to cause the 'former couple' the unwarranted attention.

"I should have been more careful of my child's access to our home office, and the internet," Ryu said, looking at her through the rear-view mirror. "I hope it didn't inconvenience you and Shen-san that much."

The public learning about it had made their former plans as a couple more likely to happen even after being separated for two years. But a part of Yurina didn't want to think of the alternative... If their trip passed by with only her and Xiaoting knowing about it.

Yurina shook her head, trying to placate the older man. "The beach house looked too marvelous not to see. I would have visited the beach house by myself if mine and Ting...Xiaoting-san's old travel plans were canceled."

Yurina tried to sound glad and light about it. She didn't want the Ikedas to see how much the five-day vacation had dug up some memories she thought she had locked away.

Even the mere sight of other people picking her up at the train station made her remember.

*

When Xiaoting was picked up at the back-up hotel Dongwon booked for her, she was greeted by a series of apologies from Satoshi, the youngest of the Ikedas, the one who unknowingly re-dug up a two-year-old news between a celebrity interracial couple.

"It's been a while, Ikeda-san," she greeted the grandfather first, and then Ryu's wife, and then Satoshi. "I hope you're all doing well."

The Ikedas still looked as they were since the first time they met… During a time she had finally acted on an old decision.

After the oldest Ikeda had run by her the list of requests she had asked in the not-so-distant past, Satoshi joined her at the backseat, and was attentive with her all throughout the 10-minute drive to the beach house. He talked to her in conversational Japanese and sometimes, basic English, pointing things to her at the passing seaside scenery. And through his chatter, Xiaoting had learned that Yurina was picked up by Satoshi’s father and his grandma.

That Yurina was already at the beach house… Waiting—

No… Not ‘waiting.’ Why would Yurina wait for her arrival?

Yurina was just ‘already there’ at the beach house.

Xiaoting wrapped her arms around her middle. She tried to ease the uneven thudding in her chest by taking deep breaths. They rarely worked, but she still did it. She had grown used to it over time. The bruises they made in her ribcage had almost become her norm.

"How come you didn't come together with Yurina-san?" Satoshi asked, looking up at her with wide eyes, clear and naive.

Xiaoting bit back a pained sound that came out of her throat. She tried explaining as simple as she could, "We didn't talk about it."

"But why?"

The boy’s mother eyed him through the rear-view mirror. "Satoshi..."

"It's fine, Ikeda-san," Xiaoting assured the older woman. It was just an innocent question…

She told Satoshi, "We're not close anymore."

Xiaoting was met with a confused look. She re-phrased, "We're not girlfriends—"

"Girlfriends?" Satoshi sat up at the word. "Like Setsuna-chan?"

"Setsuna-chan?"

"She's the cutest girl in my school." Satoshi’s eyes lit up even more, suddenly filled up with child-like adoration. "And I like her. She makes me laugh and she laughs back at my jokes."

Xiaoting couldn’t help but smile at the boy beside her. But she didn’t need a mirror to see that her smile was on the sad side. "Yes... But we're not like that anymore."

Satoshi slumped back in the backseat, his mood obviously dampened by her admission. "Are you still friends?"

Xiaoting simply shook her head.

"You're staying at the house for five days but you're not friends and you don't talk anymore?"

"It's complicated..."

"Grown-ups are weird," Satoshi muttered, disappointed about the realizations he was making about adulthood.

For most of the ride, Xiaoting was left alone while looking out the window at the passing scenery. She was back to easing the heavy thudding in her chest. She tried not to think about the girl waiting—not waiting, the girl who was already at beach house.

She wondered if Yurina still wasn’t comfortable being alone in an unfamiliar place. She wondered if Yurina had gotten better at that…

*

Yurina sat up straighter. She breathed in and out deeply, trying to focus on the present, on where she was.

The Ikeda’s private beach house. In the master bedroom. Sitting on the queen-size bed. Facing the wide balcony overlooking the sea in the distance… Finding—trying to find comfort in the calmness of the blue sea.

It had been an hour ago, after noontime, since Yurina was dropped off at the Ikeda’s one-storey house. It stood in the middle of a wide span of private land along the beach. Ryo and his old mother led her past a sleek steel gate and down the concrete path leading to their beach house made of wood, steel, and glass.

The interior had an airy and spacious open floor plan for the living area, dining, and the kitchen. Half of the surrounding off-white walls were all floor-to-ceiling windows. Thin gray curtains partly diffused the harsh light of the high noon sun. The two bedrooms and the bathroom were all on the left part of the house while the opposite side provided the view of a well-maintained garden. The garden also overlooked the sandy banks and the water beyond.

The furniture was minimally designed and made of dark wood with various tones. The ceiling was high, and the thick wooden beams were exposed. The floor was made of polished white-wood tiles.

Everything looked like how she had remembered from the images on the booking site. Maybe wider-looking and more spacious in person.

There were two small jugs of fruit-flavored water, and pastries and cookies at the center of the wooden dining table. Yurina helped herself to the glass of cold water with fresh strawberry cubes in it, offered to her by Grandma Ikeda.

During the few minutes of being shown around the property, Yurina was quick to admire the place solely because of the beauty of the interiors and the wide span of blue of the sky and water surrounding the beach house.

She let herself be led by Grandmother Ikeda towards one of the bedrooms, the one facing the waters. The whole room was bathed in bright light, reflected by the open sea shining in the horizon through the wide balcony windows. The sight took her breath away…

The sea was simply too beautiful to describe.

It was only when she turned her head slightly that she caught a glimpse of something pink by the wall.

And it suddenly became hard to breathe for a whole other reason.

On a small table at the corner of the room was a tall vase of pink carnations.

It had become hard to see as tears blurred her vision. It had become so hard to hear as her heartbeat echoed through her being, she almost missed the “this is your room, Yurina-san.”

As if it wasn’t hard enough as it was...

She was given the master bedroom... The room that she and Xiaoting were supposed to occupy.

Yurina found herself left alone in the master bedroom minutes after.

The Ikedas had mentioned something about coming back later that evening with their dinner, but Yurina wasn’t able to catch every word as she tried to keep herself standing, as she kept pretending that she wasn’t one memory away from breaking into a sob.

During her moment alone, her phone had rang twice. The calls were from her manager and Megumi. She answered neither calls.

The whole day had been heavy, and the first day wasn’t even close to ending. Yurina just wanted to rest, to close her eyes… To forget that at any moment, Yurina would be facing someone from her past, a girl who used to make her heart skip in anticipation… The mere sight of her, had made Yurina wish for weekends to be longer, for more nights to be spent together.

It had been mere 20 minutes ago, since Yurina heard the voices of the other Ikedas she had briefly met earlier that day… And of another person with a distinct accent in her voice, distinctly hers… A voice she hadn’t heard that close in two years.

They didn’t walk around to tour the place. After a very short while, the voices finished exchanging pleasantries.

A few minutes after that, silence had followed. But Yurina could hear the mundane sounds of another person opening cupboards and drawers, and then clinks of glassware.

Even with the shuffles and noise muffled by the closed door, Shen Xiaoting still sounded the same.

And the sounds made by Xiaoting still had Yurina counting down the hours. But on that particular afternoon, Yurina willed for the ticking minutes to lull her to sleep.

*

'It's just five days.'

Just.

And yet, Yurina knew how excruciatingly long five days could be.

On the first five days since leaving Seoul, she had spent them bogged down with a sense of grief, as if she had left behind something dear and impossible to retrieve.

She had stared at her luggage bags by the wall, still untouched across her bedroom.

She didn’t eat much. She didn’t feel the need to when she was already hurting all over. It had simply become too painful to swallow.

On the third day, her manager had made excuses for her at their agency to not call Yurina in to work.

On the fourth day, Yurina sought out her acting coach.

"I'm going through something, and I want to..." Yurina caught herself, swallowing down the tightness in her throat, squeezing her eyes shut to keep tears from escaping. "I need to work on controlling this--What I'm..."

Her acting coach was no therapist, but he obliged.

After those first five days, Yurina didn't ask for any more breaks. She went back to work as if every question about her last visit to Seoul, every mention of Shen Xiaoting, didn't make her want to fall apart and expose the continuous chipping of her heart.

*

On the first five days since she left Seoul, Xiaoting went through the daily motions. She didn't dare break her routine. She let herself be swept by the slow passing time.

Dongwon had contacted Ayumi, making sure that Yurina was safely back in Tokyo, and had not gotten lost somewhere or stuck at the airport. Xiaoting could have asked Yurina that herself, but she just...

Yurina's manager had replied in short and formal Korean, "Yes, Yurina-san is here, back home. Thank you for your hard work."

And Xiaoting felt the definite tone of it. But when Dongwon asked her what had happened, she couldn't tell him... That the two managers would have no more reason to contact each other anymore.

Work had given her the chance to not think... To not feel. They were about to have a comeback, and her schedule allowed no real breaks for the Trifecta members. And Xiaoting welcomed it. It was better than the alternative where she had the time to think... Where thoughts and more realizations could resurface.

Mashiro and Youngeun caught early on not to ask her about Yurina anymore, when she, herself, could only shrug questions about Yurina, afraid of the alternative... Where she would break down in dressing rooms, in the middle of promotions.

The first five days were followed by another five more... Then days turned to weeks. And during those times, Xiaoting had become more quiet. She had also learned that she and Youngeun could sleep on any flat surface, even the bathroom floor of her apartment. She found that out during a short break, and their youngest member volunteered to accompany her as she drank every alcohol she could sneak into her place, as she puked her guts out an hour after. Xiaoting had appreciated the company, even from someone as young as Youngeun, someone who couldn't probably understand her. Someone who hadn't gone through heartbreak yet.

Mashiro once mentioned that she admired Xiaoting for being brave and strong in handling the break--what happened. Xiaoting only nodded even though she didn't agree.

Because she was a coward. Her silence wasn't her being brave. That wasn't her recovering from a relationship ending.

About her not contacting Yurina at all... She didn't want to find out how much more it would hurt once she heard a definite goodbye past Yurina's lips.

And she just... She simply couldn't.

* * *

On the early morning of the second day, Xiaoting had eased into waking up. She didn't open her eyes yet. She only listened to the water in the distance, to the waves lapping across the shore.

She had slept in the other room. It was smaller than the primary bedroom, and the view from the balcony only covered half of the sea, but it was fine. She wanted Yurina to have the main bedroom after all.

Yesterday had been a bit exhausting emotionally, and physically from the travel, too. Right after settling in that early afternoon, Xiaoting dealt with it like usual -- with a bite of solid food, and alcohol to make her sleepy. She wasn't supposed to rely on drinking, and her manager and Mashiro and Youngeun were waiting for updates the moment that she arrived, but she couldn't give a fvck. They would understand. They knew her enough to know when she was trying her best and when she needed help.

Xiaoting was in another country, a country that was both familiar and foreign to her. She was on vacation, away from the media and her idol life. Her 'ex-girlfriend' was in the next room, breathing the same salt-air as her.

The house had been quiet. She couldn't hear anything from Yurina. She couldn't help it but the silence was making her a bit worried. Even though she had no right to act on it, the fact that Yurina was just a few meters away was doing all sorts of things to her.

Worry was just the easiest to name...

The rest of the late afternoon came and went, and it was no different. Xiaoting had woken up from her alcohol-induced nap, right in time to see grandmother Ikeda and Ryu on their way out. They had set up the dining table, leaving her and Yurina alone again for the rest of the first night.

That night's array of dishes was one of the things she had specifically wanted for their first dinner -- paella, mixed vegetable and seafood tempura, miso soup, and an array of side dishes.

Paella and tempura were Yurina's favorites, but after two years of being apart, Xiaoting wasn't sure anymore. She hoped though, that Yurina would see the food, and would enjoy them still.

Xiaoting had known that the chances of Yurina coming out of her room to join her were slim but she still waited at the dining area for a long while. The different possibilities had made a mess of her emotions... Her hope.

Would Yurina accompany her on their first dinner at the beach house? Maybe their first time seeing each other again would be amicable...

How would Yurina greet her?

Maybe Yurina would get food from the table, and have dinner somewhere around the house. The balconies around the house were comfortable and welcoming. After half an hour of waiting alone, she would take that.

Maybe seeing Yurina again would finally stop the hollowness in her chest from getting wider.

Maybe the longing would finally end, and she would... She would...

After an hour and a half of staring at the master bedroom door, Xiaoting would take anything.

It took her another hour to decide to secure the food back into their containers and food warmers. Then she took some vegetable tempura and retreated back inside her room along with a bottle of muscat wine. She fell asleep without hearing Yurina for the rest of the night.

And Xiaoting deeply appreciated the dreamless slumber, even though she drifted off to sleep with the memories of their first dinners together replaying in her head.

*

Xiaoting marveled at her reality that Thursday night. She was standing in the kitchen of Yurina's apartment, wearing an old PE shirt and pajama pants.

It had been four months since the last time she had flown over to Japan. Trifecta was scheduled to appear on a music show the next day, and Xiaoting was finally allowed to stay at her girlfriend's instead of the hotel with the rest of Trifecta's team. Yurina's manager, whom Xiaoting still found intimidating, had assured them that she would personally drop her off to anywhere Xiaoting needed to be while she was staying with Yurina.

Ever since Xiaoting had arrived, her girlfriend had been all smiles. It was adorable. Every glance her way from across the apartment sent fluttering in Xiaoting's stomach.

And Yurina had kept telling her the things she also felt, maybe a tenfold.

"I missed you... I missed seeing your face."

And Xiaoting, giddy and cheeks hurting from smiling too much, could only say, "I'm here now."

*

Yurina woke up at past five on the morning of Day Two... With snippets of a sad dream replaying in her head... Hard to forget, slow to fade.

She had left the curtains drawn to the side before she went to bed, and through the wide balcony windows, she was greeted by the sliver of light of the morning sun in the horizon.

Yurina had fallen asleep the entire afternoon and evening yesterday. She only went out of the bedroom to use the bathroom for a quick shower at close to midnight. The sight of the bathtub had made her freeze, just staring at it.

She had also helped herself to a small bowl of miso soup, and vegetable tempura from the array of food still warm on the table. She had no appetite, but her last meal had been a light breakfast before going to the train station, and she didn't want to get sick during her five-day stay. She took her tray of food inside the bedroom, and ate while replying to all the messages she neglected earlier that first day.

Among the flood of messages, mostly from work, Megumi's had sounded supportive as usual. They could have videocalled, too. It was late in the night but Megumi always accepted calls from her at odd times of the day. For some reason, though, seeing and talking to her model friend wasn't what she wanted...needed.

That early morning, Yurina's eyes and head felt heavy as she watched the dark sky lighten slowly. She had a new day ahead of her. She just hoped that it would be kinder to her heart.

*

The miso soup, a couple slices of toast, and egg rolls were what she had needed that late morning. She had woken up with a light headache for having a bottle of muscat wine as sleeping aid. She appreciated the dreamless sleep though, despite the dull throb of her head.

Yurina had probably gotten breakfast already, and took them back to the master bedroom. Xiaoting had recognized the mundane sounds Yurina made while she was awake and stuck in bed. All those times of watching Yurina move around both their respective apartments, Xiaoting would know. It had been a habit she unconsciously and consciously did back when...

'She's probably sleeping again...' Xiaoting guessed, as she looked out the open balcony door at the living area.

Maybe they had developed a routine. To her, it was starting to look like one -- go out of the room whenever the other girl had gone back inside, play it by ear. Yurina didn't seem to want to have a meal at the dining area. Joining her at the dining table was probably out of Yurina's plans as well.

They used to adjust and sync their schedules around each other's. It had worked well between them two...

...Until it didn't anymore.

And in some ironic twist, they seemed to fall back into it again after two years of being apart.

*

Yurina didn't know why that particular memory of the tight hug resurfaced. It must be because she had noticed the second lounge chair at the balcony while she had breakfast. It reminded her that the master bedroom was meant for them as a couple to use. She didn't look at it any longer, but the memory had already resurfaced anyway.

Yurina had done her morning routine, and changed into a simple white cotton dress. And as soon as the Ikedas had left the house after setting the breakfast, she had helped herself to a bowl of miso soup, egg rolls, and salmon. She put them all on a tray, and carried it back to the wide balcony of her room.

And she had spent the entire morning there, alone with her breakfast and her thoughts.

Memories of Xiaoting, too. It was inevitable. The other girl was only in the next room. They just kept--

The silence of the whole house suddenly made her remember her last day in Seoul. And she didn't want to be stuck, in one spot, when her body caught up with the memories. So after she took her loosely-knit cardigan with her, she headed for the door. The temperature might drop during her walk down the beach. It was better to be prepared.

*

The crook of Yurina's neck was warm against her cheek, and Xiaoting couldn't help but sink in deeper. She just didn't want to let go and leave her apartment... Knowing that once she'd come back from work later that night, Yurina would already be back in Japan.

Xiaoting ignored the whimper from her girlfriend as she wrapped her arms tighter around her frame.

"Ting..."

It had been 20 minutes since Dongwon had texted her that he was on his way to pick her up. It was also 20 minutes since she felt the heaviness on her shoulders again, dreading the idea of going to work. Work hadn't been great for the past few weeks, and she hadn't been dealing with the stress as well as she used to. She had been in and out of sleep irregularly for nights.

Yurina spending the weekend with her at her apartment, had been the respite she needed. It had been 10 minutes since she had pulled Yurina to sit on her lap. She was already in her outdoor clothes while Yurina was still in her sleep shirt and cotton shorts. And Xiaoting wrapped her arms around her girlfriend's waist, her fingers twisting around the fabric of Yurina's shirt...

Xiaoting still didn't think her embrace was tight enough.

*

Xiaoting had physically hurt Yurina with that hug. Yurina didn't complain, or had said a word aside from calling her name, but Xiaoting knew how tight her embrace had been.

It was only then on the morning of Day 2, that Xiaoting finally acknowledged it... Accepted it.

That her hug had felt desperate, like she was grasping at something she was losing control of...

That the way Yurina couldn't breathe easily in her arms that day, could have passed as a sign or a mirror of what was unconsciously happening to their relationship.

Xiaoting's lower lip trembled at the memory, at how her arms could still feel Yurina's shaky breathing.

The gentle sea breeze brought her senses back to the present, standing still by the open balcony doors of the living area, holding a mug of lavender tea that had gone cold--

A gasp.

It was soft, but the stillness of the whole house had made the gasp echo throughout her being.

Before her mind could catch up, before she could prepare herself, her body had already turned around at the sound.

And she...

Yurina was standing outside the master bedroom. Its door had closed behind her quietly. And her doe eyes...

Xiaoting forgot how to breathe.

Yurina suddenly bowed to her, with that prompt bow of hers when they were around older people. Too formal.

Then without another glance her way, Yurina walked past her towards the kitchen.

*

Yurina walked straight to the side door that led to the beach. As soon as her bare feet hit the sandy wooden steps, she started running. Every thud of her beating heart drove her further, one step at a time.

The stretch of empty beach ahead of her looked like one blurred image. But she just ran as if the new scenery could make Xiaoting's face fade from her mind.

And Yurina ran until her knees buckled. She didn't let out the sob that had been trying to escape amidst the tightness in her chest... Not until she was on her knees.

Xiaoting...

Xiaoting had looked as beautiful and otherworldly as Yurina had remembered. Maybe more than she remembered.

And it was unfair...

It was so unfair that she was choking in her own tears, her eyes stinging from the fresh wave of tears that wouldn't stop flowing...

While Xiaoting was probably just... Mildly surprised.

* * *

"Are you sure you're good to go?"

"Yes." Yurina sounded sure enough. Her throat was still tight. Her eyelids felt warm, like they were one memory away for her tears to fall free.

Within a few days, she had learned to answer, or to talk in short sentences. She preferred that, instead of the alternative... Where the sob that hadn't broken free from her chest would catch her off-guard.

She had also learned to smile... To force smiles more.

Ayumi didn't take her eyes off of Yurina during work. She wouldn't let her eat alone, because Yurina would only eat three bites and gradually let the food go cold if she was left to eat by herself.

Silver lining was, Yurina had proven to everyone how convincing she was. She had learned... She had forced herself to practice stopping her tears from spilling.

It was hard to pretend even off-cam, but she was an actress. And eventually, there would come a time where she wouldn't see the need to put up a front anymore, when the break had completely healed.

Maybe in six more months. Maybe in a year...

Maybe...

*

Xiaoting wouldn't have seen it if not for a fan whose post got viral. It was a photo with a caption describing it as Yurina having 'intense chemistry' with another model named Megumi. It eventually reached her timeline because damn the Suggested Posts.

Xiaoting didn't know what to feel first. An unpleasant chill spread across her chest to her back, and her stomach twisted so harshly that it made her nauseous. She should have closed the app, not see the post again the next time she opened it...

But she had already seen the photo...

It was in black and white. It was taken from the waist up. It was of Yurina and Megumi facing each other. Yurina was cradling Megumi's jaw, looking downwards, while Megumi was looking directly at Yurina's doe eyes.

...And Xiaoting couldn't take her own eyes off of it.

Of her.

Of her with another girl.

A part of her wanted to yell at her phone, "She's mine!"

Her mind screamed, 'We didn't break up!'

She wanted to reply under the fan's viral tweet, "Are you blind?"

Images of Yurina's hands cradling her face flashed in Xiaoting's mind... Of a time she had told a joke that had Yurina in stitches. Her girlfriend had tears in her doe eyes and her hands stayed cradling Xiaoting's face after pinching her cheeks while laughing. It was one of her many good memories with Yurina…

But as of that moment, Xiaoting shook the memory away. It was unwelcome. She didn't want to mar that memory with a feeling that made her skin crawl and her heart to squeeze, slow and torturous.

In the end, without another thought, she Muted the fan’s account, and didn't touch her phone for the rest of the day.

Later that night at the practice room, Xiaoting had snapped at Mashiro. She was asked to double-check an update about herself for social media, and sharp words just came out. Mashiro's eyes had flickered with surprise and hurt. But the Trifecta's leader still nodded her head in understanding.

"It's only a photo, Xiaoting," Mashiro said softly... Almost sympathetic.

Xiaoting said a quick apology, and to Youngeun too, who had gone stiff at the other side of the room, watching the two of them with eyes filled with growing worry.

It was only later the following day that Mashiro's words had sunken in.

"It's only a photo."

The new update they had wanted her to check was all text. There was no photo attached to it.

* * *

"Did you relay the car service detail to Yurina-sshi?"

Their manager's frown was laced with worry so obvious that Xiaoting immediately knew that something had gone wrong... With her girlfriend's arrival.

The drop in her stomach was so heavy that Xiaoting couldn't utter a word. She had forwarded it, right? She had seen Yurina's reply... Right?

Their choreographer sighed loudly at the interruption. They had been trying to nail the main point of their dance since morning when Dongwon pulled Xiaoting aside.

Xiaoting was supposed to handle--

"What... What happened?" Her voice cracked when she finally could ask. She wiped the sweat from her brow with the back of her hand. Her movements were shaky. Her body felt like wanting to be everywhere all at once.

But the situation was keeping her rooted to the practice room floor.

*

It was the first time Yurina had been allowed to fly to Seoul unchaperoned. Xiaoting was also allowed to pick her girlfriend up herself. But there was a last-minute change that kept her from going to the airport.

Dongwon told her that it would be the last time the incident should happen. They all had good relations with Yurina's agency, and they wouldn't mess that up because Xiaoting couldn't manage her time properly. She was the girlfriend. She was the one Yurina was flying to Seoul to spend time with.

Xiaoting had walked to the lobby along with a few employees. Yurina didn't notice her, and she couldn't explain the multitude of emotions that swept through her as she saw her girlfriend sitting alone at the reception area. Yurina's grip still looked tight around the handle of her small luggage and on her phone.

Her mind reeled with the should-have-beens. She should have waited for Yurina's confirmation. She should have memorized both the specifics of Yurina's flight and the car service Dongwon gave her. She should have made the calls herself.

Apparently, there was a mix-up on the ETA, and Yurina arrived earlier than the schedule Xiaoting had given to Dongwon. Yurina had arrived with no one familiar waiting for her. And Xiaoting wanted to cry when Dongwon had told her that.

Xiaoting had already noticed that Yurina had been feeling like a bother to everyone around her whenever she visited. Whenever Yurina would inform her that she would be coming over for a weekend, Xiaoting could hear Yurina's hesitation whenever she asked who would pick her up. If it was only Xiaoting and a driver, or someone else from the agency Yurina wasn't introduced to yet.

And even at that moment, Yurina still hadn't contacted anyone, knowing that the group was busy with practice. She chose to wait instead. If Dongwon wasn't informed by the receptionists, they wouldn't know that Yurina was already there.

"I'm okay..." Yurina assured her right away. The second Xiaoting knelt before her, the second their eyes met. Yurina let out a shaky sigh. And Xiaoting saw the the instant shift as her girlfriend's eyes flitted to the side where the walls were made of glass panels. The reception area could be seen from the outside. "I took an airport taxi."

"Babe..."

"Please, Xiaoting." Yurina didn't say it, but Xiaoting felt it. The way Yurina's flexed her hands as Xiaoting made an attempt to hug her. They were basically in public. Yurina didn't want them to be vulnerable in front of everyone else.

While still kneeling, Xiaoting turned a little to the side so that she could shield Yurina partially and also hiding her face from view from the outside.

"I'm okay..." Yurina reassured her.

'Just shaken.' Xiaoting could tell. Yurina's hands were cold, and her jaw was tense as if--

"I'm sorry for going straight here unannounced," Yurina said quietly, eyes trained on the hands covering hers. Yurina was usually dropped off at her apartment, but Trifecta's agency was closer to the airport. She must have chosen to be dropped there.

"No, baby, no..." Xiaoting shook her head. "Don't apologize for..."

For seeking the familiar.

For having an irresponsible girlfriend.

Xiaoting held herself back from crying right then and there. She just felt so, so... Sorry. "For..."

For me, not doing enough for you...

*

When the ringing in her ears had faded, it was as if her body finally remembered how to breathe.

And Xiaoting did.

Shakily. As deeply as she could. As if she wasn't one more breathe away from--

Her hand holding her mug had become stiff, and she had to set it down on the coffee table where she lay the rest of her breakfast on a tray. Her food had gone cold. Her appetite, gone. She didn't know how long she had been standing there.

Maybe time had stopped. Maybe her body just froze, and she had woken up from a stasis filled with old reruns of her relationship with Yurina replaying in her head.

Memories of being with Yurina... Still as clear like they had only happened the previous month. Images of Yurina from when they were still together, they mixed with the sight of the young woman who walked past her earlier.

For two years, Xiaoting had imagined the moment she would see Yurina again. She had ran different scenarios in her head. In all of them, Xiaoting was able to smile and greet Yurina cordially.

She overestimated herself.

It only took two or three seconds of seeing Yurina again for every ounce of courage she had built up just to be there at the beach house to...

Xiaoting didn't know what she wished to happen as she stayed at the living area. Maybe she wanted to keep seeing Yurina who had gone straight outside for a walk down the beach.

Maybe she didn't want to let Yurina out of her sight again... Even from that distance. Xiaoting could only make out the long hair swaying in the sea breeze. Yurina’s arms were wrapped around her middle. Xiaoting could picture out the little wobble of Yurina's chin as she cried.

Maybe Yurina didn't cry at all. Maybe Yurina was no longer affected by her.

Just like how composed Yurina had been during interviews after the break-up. She was asked a few times about her -- the idol she had used to keep visiting in Seoul. And Yurina's usual answer, when she chose to entertain them, was an even, "Things had become busier for me lately. Maybe when my schedule allows, I'll go again..."

Xiaoting swallowed down the sob that threatened to escape from her body.

The 'maybe when my schedule allows' didn't happen for the two years that followed. Yurina didn't set foot in Seoul again.

It was only when Xiaoting heard Yurina walking back to the beach house that she pushed herself to move. She locked herself inside her room, and stayed there. She stayed quiet for as long as she could.

Xiaoting learned later that night how loud the sounds reverberated in her room... When she tried to silence her own sobs by burying her cries onto the pillow. She knew that she had failed at it, because her muffled crying echoed throughout her being.

And she cried. She cried as if she hadn't cried enough for the past two years.

* * *

Yurina had woken up a little late the following morning. She hadn't slept well at all, all night. The previous night, after her walk outside, she had planned on only resting her legs when she lay down on the bed. But she ended up falling asleep. The running must have taken a toll on her physically.

Or maybe it was the crying...

She had missed dinner time completely. She had woken up past midnight, and had no appetite nor will to get out of bed. She felt too hazy to decide on what to do. It simply felt heavy.

It wasn't enough to be surprised by suddenly seeing Xiaoting in the flesh after two years. It wasn't enough that her body was reminded of the first five days that rendered her helpless to the sense of loss, to the recent memories... She had also noticed the new vase of fresh pink carnations at the living room when she got back.

Yurina curled up into a ball, wrapping the loose cardigan around her body. She faced the dark seascape framed by the floor-to-ceiling windows. The calm and starry view only made her feel a tad better. What she had planned on doing during her five-day break felt impossible after only two days.

She thought that maybe she should check the dinner set-up, and choose the dish easiest to swallow, but a sound...

She heard something that sounded close to muffled sobs. Even though she wasn't sure, Yurina just couldn't get up anymore.

*

It was Xiaoting's turn to go down the beach the following morning. She couldn't go back to sleep anymore. So after she had a banana, she went out for a run.

Xiaoting wasn't sure if her morning run had distracted her enough... Certain memories wouldn't leave her mind. They had kept replaying in her head while she was panting. Her body heated up more as she picked up her pace.

As soon as she got back, she went straight to the bathroom. She only had taking a cold shower in mind.

The shower had already been used. The floor was already wet. It was the first thing she noticed. Then the steam of the glass panels... The floral scent of body wash still lingered in the misty air. On the counter were clothes, neatly folded. Xiaoting recognized it immediately as--

"Excuse me, I..."

Yurina's clothes from the day before.

Xiaoting whirled around, and the sight that met her, stole her breath once more. As if her breathing wasn't labored enough from her run.

Yurina was wearing a short white bathrobe, and her hair was still damp, resting over one shoulder. Her face was bare. Her cheeks, still flushed from the shower.

Xiaoting swallowed hard. "Rina..."

Yurina's doe eyes flickered, probably from Xiaoting unconsciously saying her nickname. She wrapped her arms around her middle.

Xiaoting internally shook her head. She cleared her throat, and tried again. "Good morning."

Yurina didn't greet her back, but she did a small bow as a silent greeting.

"You went running?" Yurina looked at Xiaoting's leggings and at her toned arms uncovered by her loose sleeveless crop top.

Even though Xiaoting felt naked under Yurina's stare, she didn't take her eyes off Yurina's every movement. She didn't even dare blink.

Yurina wordlessly reached for the sink, and picked up her clothes she had forgotten.

Xiaoting wasn't able to step aside in time, and she caught a whiff of Yurina's floral body wash. Without thinking more of it, she asked, "Will you join me for breakfast after I shower?"

A hint of disapproval swept across Yurina's face. It must be because, in the past, she didn't like it when Xiaoting worked out without eating anything first.

Xiaoting didn't clarify that she had a piece of banana before she headed out. Maybe she wanted to see it again... If Yurina would show worry for her.

Yurina heaved a deep breath before she said, "I already had breakfast."

"Oh... Okay." Xiaoting was a bit disappointed, but it couldn't be helped. Instead, she quickly thought of another activity to invite Yuri--

"Maybe lunch..." Yurina's flickered between her and the clothes she had picked up.

"Okay." Xiaoting accepted the indirect invitation right away as to not make her ex wait... And to allow herself the chance to breathe easier once she was left alone at the bathroom. "Lunch, then."

*

Good things come in threes. Yurina wasn't stubborn about following it. But three was a good number. The first stroke of luck could be due to being a beginner's. The second one could be a fluke. But a third was assuring.

Day Three should be better, Yurina wanted to believe that.

The dining table had been set for lunch by Grandma Ikeda, Ryu and his wife. They were efficient about it, and it was their presence that noon that Yurina relied on to break the tension the idea of sharing a meal with an ex had brought.

And she was seeing the Ikedas out the door with a grateful low bow when Xiaoting walked out of her room. Her ex was wearing a plain dark blue button-up with its sleeves rolled up to her elbows. Xiaoting looked handsome in it.

Yurina thought that bumping into each other in a smaller space like the bathroom was enough to give her the strength to have lunch with Xiaoting. But as they were standing at different sides of the house, it was taking a lot from Yurina to keep standing.

It started with a simple, "How are you?" It was Xiaoting who asked first, after maybe 15 minutes of silently eating.

Yurina didn't tell her that she had noticed -- how the spread of dishes on the table were different from what she remembered listing years ago. She would remember the change... Because the beef stew and the veggie pasta before her were recent favorites. She had mentioned those two together specifically at a lifestyle magazine interview.

So Yurina began by telling her about the most recent script she was studying. She described how the sunny disposition of her character felt a bit alien to her. Yurina didn't continue that topic as soon as she saw the small frown on Xiaoting's forehead.

Maybe talking about emotions, however fictional or not, wasn't fitting for their first meal together in two years.

*

Day Three had started out better than Xiaoting had hoped for. She had caught Yurina returning the smiles the Ikedas had for them after setting their lunch. Xiaoting's breath hitched at the sight. Yurina's smile had always been open and kind.

Xiaoting had been silent as she listened, eating a bit mechanically. She served herself one big spoonful of a dish at a time. She had small sips of muscat wine in between. She had no appetite but she needed something to do. She needed to move, or else... Or else...

Hearing Yurina that close again, talking about her new script, Xiaoting couldn't help but notice that Yurina's skill in conversational Hanguel still sounded good... Just like when they were still--

"Getting to know the character was... She's just so sunny, I can't understand her."

The following laugh was empty, and Xiaoting couldn't help her frown upon hearing it from someone as lighthearted as Yurina.

The words 'used to' came to mind, and Xiaoting couldn't--

"How about you? How... How are you?"

Xiaoting heaved in a deep shaky breath, willing herself to be present, to remain sitting upright.

It was too familiar. Just like what Yurina used to ask her in the past. It was a prelude to an easier catching-up between them, recounting all the things they hadn't mentioned during their regular calls. Xiaoting didn't expect the effect that simple question had on her... It had been a while...a long while since anybody who mattered to her had asked her that.

It was no way easy. Her heart just ached.

But Xiaoting tried.

So she told Yurina how Youngeun was still as mischievous as she before, how Mashiro was still pining for a mutual Japanese friend. Yurina chuckled at that. She mentioned that one of Trifecta's drivers they both knew and liked had gotten married.

But Xiaoting didn't know what came over her when she mentioned that she still lives in the same apartment, and that it was still the same.

Yurina's hand holding her fork trembled. Their eyes met for a second, and it was too brief. Yurina averted her eyes, training them on her half-filled plate.

Xiaoting didn't know what came over her. Maybe it was her grasping at that one chance that they were speaking again, facing each other...

That one day out of their five days at the beach house that Yurina was within reach.

"So... Who's this Megumi?"

Maybe she was going insane.

"Xiaoting..."

The fact that Yurina didn't deny anything and instead said her name like a warning. It was enough.

"I get it." Xiaoting already wanted that particular conversation to end. "No need to answer that..."

"What did you 'understand?'" Yurina carefully put down her fork, and had a drink from her own glass of wine. "Megumi-chan's my friend. We met at a photoshoot."

Xiaoting shook her head once. She strongly felt like she was on the verge of losing herself to her emotions, and--

"Why can't I mention my friend?"

Xiaoting quickly downed the rest of her wine, and poured herself another few inches. Maybe she had already lost it. "Did you tell her what happened?"

"She has an idea about--"

"You just left."

Xiaoting had regretted saying those three words the second she had said them. They were only a fraction of what had really happened.

But she was hurting--already hurting... Still hurting.

"Why did I leave, Xiaoting?"

Xiaoting's hand shot up to her jaw in reflex. Then she dropped both her hands on her lap, under the table, away from Yurina's view. Then she twisted her fingers together. As tightly as she could... Until her knuckles turned white.

Yurina answered, "There was no need for me to stay."

"You don't mean that." Xiaoting gritted her teeth. She wanted to let the tears brimming in her eyelids free. But she wanted to say a lot of things first... She wanted old questions answered.

"Why did you agree to come here, Yurina?"

Xiaoting was losing control, losing herself to the sight that Yurina still looked fine despite all the memories the talk was bringing back...

"You could have stayed for a minute and leave the same day."

"Don't."

The single word came out quiet and almost like low growl. It was the first time Xiaoting heard Yurina sound like that...

Something had also flickered on Yurina's face, something Xiaoting could interpret as hurt.

But the crack in Yurina's visage didn't offer Xiaoting any consolation when she, herself, was that close to ripping her heart out in the open to stop feeling it aching.

Yurina's following words were also low. Quiet. As if she was telling herself even. "I wanted to tell you something, but I don't think we're both... I thought I was ready."

But to Xiaoting, they sounded the loudest. The words that reverberated the most.

"I don't know why I'm here anymore."

* * *

It started with a series of fan-taken photos.

They were taken by another customer at a restaurant near Xiaoting's agency. They were of Xiaoting with a rookie actress named Hyewon. Younger than them both, long straight hair, and a cute eye-smile. Yurina had also recognized one of Trifecta's drivers, and on two photos, Dongwon, and Youngeun in a black hoodie too big for her small frame.

Around seven or so fans had tagged her under the photos. They were only playing around, saying things like "New couple alert? lol," "It's not my business but I'm curious as hell," and "Do you know her @whitebaihe?"

While the restaurant photos were from the present day, Yurina already knew that the rookie actress was about to star opposite Xiaoting in Trifecta's upcoming music video which was secretly filmed yesterday. Mashiro and Youngeun also had other actors partnered with them.

Yurina had told Xiaoting that she would be in Seoul that Friday night. Xiaoting also knew that Ayumi had already arranged a private car service for her. Xiaoting had also told her that she would be seeing her at the apartment soon.

But Yurina had no idea about the after-work dinner. That Xiaoting would be drinking that night. Yurina thought her girlfriend would be home when she got to the apartment...

Yurina was fine with the tagging. She could choose not to open them, too, especially when she wasn't feeling well.

And maybe she shouldn't have that Friday night.

Because Xiaoting didn't check on her for the rest of the day... After her flight. Before her flight. Or later that night.

Because the anticipation of being physically close to Xiaoting again was the only thing that had pushed her to go through the trip.

All those reasons eventually led to 'Maybe I shouldn't have taken that trip.'

Because she had gotten sick earlier that day, and she had a flight to catch.

Because that weekend would be her last visit to Seoul before she would be away, filming a movie in three different countries for the next two months.

Because the silence that greeted her in Xiaoting's apartment swept through her, then weighed over her like a heavy, suffocating blanket.

Yurina stared at her equally-silent phone. The last messages were from her manager, checking in on her.

She didn't know what to reply to her manager aside from her already reaching Xiaoting's place. She didn't mention how she got more sick mid-air... How that hollow feeling that being in Xiaoting's presence managed to abate, had returned in waves.

A harsh twist in her stomach made her bolt towards the bathroom. She reached the toilet before she dry heaved, bitter liquid trickled out of her mouth, and she heaved some more.

"Ting..." Yurina called out weakly in reflex, forgetting for a second that her girlfriend wasn't there. Self-pity swept through her, just like how the silence had greeted her earlier.

But that time, it was heavier. As her head pounded. As her stomach twisted again.

Yurina didn't know how long she had stayed kneeling on the bathroom floor. But as soon as her stomach eased, she reached for the sink and washed away the bitter taste in her mouth. She wished that she could also wash away the strong urge to cry.

As soon as she had enough strength to walk, Yurina stood in the middle of Xiaoting's apartment. She looked around...really looked. She tried to remember everything she could. Even the intangible things associated with everything she saw.

It started with a series of fan-taken photos.

Or maybe it had started way before that.

*

It didn't start with the series of fan-taken photos.

But Xiaoting started fully realizing the effects on her relationship since then.

She only remembered bits of when she came home later that night. Dongwon accompanied her inside to make sure she got home safe. They had left Youngeun and a stylist unnie waiting inside the company van.

Xiaoting remembered greeting, "Baby! I'm home~" upon walking inside with wobbly steps.

Dongwon shushed her immediately. "You'll wake up Yurina-sshi and half the building."

She ungracefully slipped out of her shoes, and went straight to the couch. She took out everything in her pockets and half-tossing them on the coffee table, including her phone and wallet.

"You should have told us this morning that Yurina-sshi's staying over the weekend. Don't forget to mention things like this to us."

Xiaoting hummed to whatever he was saying. The drone of her manager's voice was making her sleepier. She slouched deeper into her couch, and waited until Dongwon was done double-checking the locks on her balcony door, the state of her kitchen, her stove and plugged electronics.

'Is she asleep already?' It crossed her mind, still hazy with alcohol and exhaustion.

"There are empty painkillers in the trash," their manager told her from the kitchen. "Text Mashiro if you've ran out of them."

Xiaoting stared blankly at her bedroom door with eyelids that were getting heavier and heavier. Yurina's travel bag and small luggage must already be inside, too.

'I forgot to tell her a lot of things... I'll tell her tomorrow.'

It was her last thought before her door-lock beeped behind Dongwon on his way out, before she completely passed out on the couch.

'I forgot to tell her a lot of things' was the first thought she remembered the following morning... As she looked down at kitchen trash bin.

There were crumpled packets of painkillers and an empty bottle of energy drink she knew she didn't take. Xiaoting had stumbled to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of cold water, so they were the first things she had noticed.

The silence of her whole apartment came next.

With steps that grew heavier, she went for her phone on the coffee table.

She had noticed her hands shaking before she fully processed the last two messages Yurina had left her.

- I know you're tired of worrying.

- I just wish you told me how much.

Xiaoting didn't need to check inside her bedroom to know that Yurina and her usual travel bags weren't there... Weren't there the whole night.

It didn't start with the series of fan-taken photos.

But the realizations that started after that, already came too late.

* * *

"I wanted to tell you something..."

Yurina looked around the master bedroom, at all the things she had brought. She had taken with her the latest script she was studying. She hadn't touched it ever since she set foot at the beach house. She hadn't even thought of it. She had also looked around her back when she was about to leave Xiaoting's apartment that day, knowing that it could be--would be the final time.

"...I thought I was ready."

Why was she still staying there for?

Yurina could have booked another place close to the beach house. She wasn't forced to be in the same space as her ex of two years. The paparazzi in Japan weren't as ruthless as other countries'. Nobody would really question her if she didn't go. There were even more questions as to why she was still staying another day.

What did she want to happen by meeting Xiaoting again?

Yurina already knew the answers deep down. She just didn't know if those words... If they could even make a difference.

She had excused herself and retreated to the master bedroom as soon as could. She left Xiaoting at the dining table with their half-finished lunch. She left before her body could betray her, before the brimming tears in her eyes could fall in front of her ex.

...Before those words could spill past her lips.

Yurina had never been scared of being vulnerable in front of Xiaoting before. But at that moment, she'd like to keep her facade longer.

She didn't know what Xiaoting did after she left the table, but she heard the side door towards the beach, open and close. A long silence followed after that. Maybe Xiaoting needed to be away from the house, too... Away from her.

Earlier, she had caught the tremble of Xiaoting's lower lip, a telltale sign that Xiaoting was--

Yurina's hands trembled as she raised them to her collarbones, an unconscious effort to soothe herself. It had been three days. She had lasted that long.

*

Just like that day years ago, when she held on to Yurina so tightly... Xiaoting didn't want time to pass. She wanted time to stop.

Because midnight would eventually come, and she needed... She...

But it had been hours since she had stepped out of the beach house. Hours since Yurina had retreated back to her room, leaving her alone at the dining table with their half-finished lunch... Xiaoting was close to crying, and losing sight of the answers she wanted to get, of what she wanted to hear.

The sky was getting dark. The automated lights of the beach house had already turned on. The Ikedas might already be prepping their dinner. For the third night, there would be candles and white wine. She remembered her updated list.

And after her last talk with Yurina, maybe the special dinner was fitting after all...

Xiaoting held her phone tighter. She should be feeling better after all that time to herself, but she still couldn't push herself to go back.

But the passing time, especially the time that led to things ending, had always passed too quickly for her...

Her call was picked up promptly after two rings. Ryu's voice had a hint of surprise in it, which later turned a bit lower and grave sounding after she had asked, "I'd like to be picked up later this midnight."

"Are you sure, Shen-san?"

She could only manage a sound of affirmation.

Xiaoting wasn't sure of a lot of things, but it was the best she could do... She hadn't unpacked her luggage that much anyway. It almost looked packed still.

She, then, reminded Ryu to keep the menu changes. Unless Yurina asked for something different. The beach house would be all Yurina's for the remaining two days after all.

"Thank you also, for the carnations, Ikeda-san. They're really beautiful."

Ryu chuckled. "I'll tell my wife. She enjoyed arranging them for Kawaguchi-san."

Xiaoting felt warm. The Ikedas were kind and generous people. Even though she had only met up with them in person twice on different occasions, Xiaoting was glad to know the family.

That late afternoon though, it felt like the last time that she'd have the strength to talk with Ryu. She'd probably not have that anymore once she had left.

So before hanging up, she mustered the courage she couldn't gather in front of Yurina, and asked Ryu instead...

"Did... Did Yurina mention why she agreed to come here?"

Ryu was silent for a while. Xiaoting hoped that that the older man had an answer, no matter how vague the memory, no matter how--

"She said nothing..."

A quiet sob escaped from her. The kind of quiet that still echoed within. Hope wasn't something that came easy for--

"Kawaguchi-san had called us first to confirm herself. After that--"

"Wait. Can you repeat that, please?"

* * *

Xiaoting dragged her feet as she made her way to her apartment. Vocal training for Trifecta's new album didn’t go smoothly. There were songs that were too clunky for her foreign tongue to sing. She had sounded robotic. It would either she practice harder at it or she would need to swap a lot of stanzas with Mashiro, who, of course, didn’t want it to come to that.

Xiaoting was ridden with something she always had a hard time dealing with — insecurity. In her abilities, on not being able to do what she was supposed to do. And she was feeling that the entire day. For the past few days, actually.

“I know Yurina-chan is already here, and you’re spending the weekend with her…” Mashiro had brought it up quietly on their car ride to their respective apartments. “But the prep for recording starts on Monday, and if you can allot some time for this…”

Mashiro had let it trail off, but Xiaoting already understood what the Trifecta’s leader was asking her - for her to spend time off of her weekend to work on her singing, instead of spending it with Yurina.

And Xiaoting had felt inadequate, torn between her two roles as a Trifecta member, and her, as a girlfriend and partner to a kind and beautiful girl who would fly for hours to be with her.

And she was failing to be enough for both.

The door of her apartment clicked close behind her. Xiaoting could hear from the entryway the mundane sounds from further inside. There was a heavy weight on her back as she dreaded telling Yurina that she had to be at work for the majority of her stay. It would also be the first time she had to ask that.

Xiaoting walked inside, her eyes wandering. And there, in her open kitchen, standing by the counter, was her girlfriend…

And Xiaoting wasn’t ready for the mix of emotions sweeping through her. The heavy weight on her back was mixed with the swoop of longing in her gut, and the coil in the pit of her stomach. She immediately wanted to be close.

Yurina was softly reading the label on the lavender tea box which were in Hangeul. She had paused at some parts she must have found confusing, and she even misread some words.

And Yurina seemed too occupied to hear her approach. And Xiaoting's heart was thumping hard in between her ears, so loud her girlfriend might hear it, too.

To wrap her arms around Yurina's waist was the first thing Xiaoting did. And the weight, the pressure, the warmth of her girlfriend in her arms both eased and gripped something in her chest. “Babe…”

“You’re home...”

Xiaoting had her eyes closed. She reveled in the way her other senses heightened, sensed the other girl in her arms - the scent of lavender wafting from the mug Yurina was preparing, the pressure of the fresh tears forming in her closed eyes... The even breathing gradually quickening the longer she pressed her nose onto her girlfriend's hair.

“How are you?" Yurina asked softly. It was followed by a gasp escaping from her as Xiaoting hugged her tighter.

“I love it when you’re here…” Xiaoting murmured.

“Me, too.”

“No.” Xiaoting shook her head, pressing her face closer onto Yurina’s slender neck. She groaned against her girlfriend’s skin. No one could possibly know how much she meant it... How much she cared. How heavily she loved. How deep she yearned... And how much she felt Yurina's closeness, her proximity.

“Ting…”

“I always want you here." Xiaoting's voice cracked in a small display of her vulnerability. "I hate it when you have to leave.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

The 'at least for the weekend' went unsaid, but they both didn't need to hear that. Xiaoting definitely didn't want to hear that.

* * *

"The emails we sent you were only for official confirmation."

Xiaoting's mind was reeling.

"But Kawaguchi-san already confirmed yes even before that."

The sand and the wooden stairs leading back to the beach house had been a shaky blur. Xiaoting was overwhelmed by the sudden urge to move, to know the answers... To see Yurina again as quickly as her legs could take her.

The aroma from the dinner spread greeted her, along with the warmth of the whole house. There were unlit candles around the dining area. Xiaoting spotted two bottles of white wine on the table. Another vase of fresh pink carnations were also added at the living area.

Fleeting thoughts of 'Did Yurina already see the flowers? Did she feel anything about them?' passed amidst the chaos in her mind.

Xiaoting wasn't sure of many decisions she made regarding their five-day vacation. But she absolutely was about one thing.

Xiaoting wasn't there to say goodbye.

And after learning about what Yurina did, Xiaoting hoped, no matter how dangerous it was to have hope, she hoped that Yurina was there hoping for something like she was.

But the sight that greeted her as she opened the door of the master bedroom, pulled her harshly back down.

Yurina's back visibly flinched when Xiaoting entered the room. But the other girl didn't look at her or stop what she was doing...

She was folding clothes a bit frantically, and stuffing them back into her open luggage on the bed.

"What... What are you doing?" Xiaoting asked.

"I can't--I..." Yurina breathed out, her shoulders shook at the effort.

"Don't do this to me for the second time..." She sounded broken to her own ears. It was the first time she heard herself like that, but she was beyond self-preservation.

"I want to be--I need to..." Yurina paused as a sob escaped from her. "You're not supposed to see..."

Out of reflex, Xiaoting walked closer to Yurina's shaking form. She didn't know if she could offer comfort while she was feeling everything all at once herself. But still, Xiaoting wanted to be closer.

"I'm supposed to leave first, Xiaoting," Yurina quietly admitted. "I still don't want to say goodbye."

"Yurina..." Xiaoting gently pried the clothes from Yurina's hands. Then she turned the other girl around to face her.

And Yurina's cheeks were tear-stained, and her doe eyes were glassy from the tears. And Xiaoting wanted to curse out loud, to cause pain to anyone who would hurt and had hurt the girl before her... Even if that someone was herself.

"I already know what you did." Yurina's words were barely a whisper. She had her eyes trained on the collar of Xiaoting's button-up. "The pink carnations around the house. The changes in the menu. I asked Grandma Ikeda about them. You came here yourself two months ago to plan them for me."

Xiaoting brushed away all the things Yurina mentioned she did. She would do more if Yurina would allow her to... Again. Repeatedly. As many times as Yurina wanted.

"Then I heard that Ryu-san will be picking you up later this midnight," Yurina added, her shaking hands balled into fists on her sides. Fresh tears streamed down her face. "Were you even planning on telling me anything?"

Xiaoting reached up, and gently cradled Yurina's face with her hands. She brushed the Yurina's cheeks dry with her thumbs. They had been apart for two years, and the image of Yurina's trembling hands, of the quiver of Yurina's lower lip, of Yurina crying, still made her weak.

But Xiaoting still had things to say. She wanted to tell Yurina a lot of things. She was late two years ago. She wanted to bare herself for once. Her desperation. Her vulnerability. Even admit to her own cowardice. "I... I thought that if I leave this time, there would be no definite goodbyes."

Xiaoting would prefer to live without knowing what their fifth day could bring, than bid goodbye for the last time.

"That this, between us, wouldn't be over on the fifth day."

"Xiaoting..." And Yurina was in her arms again. After two years, Xiaoting could feel the same warmth, the same pressure from Yurina's embrace again.

And before she could give in to the growing hope, to that hope she no longer saw as dangerous, she wanted to know. "You have confirmed to coming to this trip before our reservation was made public. You wanted to come here."

Yurina nodded on her shoulder, sniffling.

That simple action moved Xiaoting to tears herself.

Out of happiness. Out of relief.

"What do you mean by that, Yurina? Please tell me..." She desperately wanted to know.

There was still lingering disbelief that she was really having Yurina that close again, but as Yurina's arms tightened around her, as the space between them became non-existent, her question was already answered before Yurina said...

"I've missed you so much it hurts sometimes. I've been wanting to tell you that."

A wet laugh broke out of Xiaoting's chest. She buried her face into the crook of Yurina's neck, sinking into the familiarity. "I missed you, too. I miss everything about you."

And they repeated those 'I missed you's' until they could no longer say them out loud. Until they fell into bed, surrounded by Yurina's things still unpacked. Until their hands reacquainted themselves to spans of smooth skin. Until every fiber of their being didn't feel that deep longing anymore.

Many things were also left unsaid. Even the apologies.

Xiaoting didn't need to hear or say, "Let's do better this time." Instead, she silently vowed, sent her promises to the heavens, that it would be better... That she would follow Yurina wherever the future would take them.

"There's no one else."

"There's no one else but you all this time."

* * *

Xiaoting woke up without Yurina in her arms. Yurina's side of the bed was empty. Her eyes snapped awake. Her heart was slowly descending but before she worked herself up, she turned to her other side, and found Yurina still there... Just sitting at the edge of the bed. Her pajama shirt hanging loosely down one shoulder. She was staring past the floor-to-ceiling windows, at the horizon, watching the serene view of the dark sea and night sky.

"Babe..." Their old term of endearment was easy past her lips.

"Did I wake you?" Yurina asked softly, meeting her eyes. It was dark in the room, and yet her doe eyes shone as bright as the stars behind her.

"No..." Xiaoting pushed herself up until she was leaning on an elbow and resting a hand on the space between them. "Why are you up?"

"Just because..." Yurina whispered, her head tilted to the side, and watching her now. She had a soft expression on her face that effortlessly stole Xiaoting's breath away. It was so gentle she wanted to cry... She wanted to sink under her girlfriend's skin.

"Anything I can do for you?"

"Watch with me?"

"Of course..."

The moon wasn't anywhere in sight. Even the silver glow from its mere presence. Maybe it was the New Moon on their last night at the beach house. Whatever phase it was, the darkness didn't bring Xiaoting any hint of dread.

The whole seascape was dark. The water, placid, almost pitch-black. But Xiaoting had no space in her heart for the uncertainty, for insecurity.

A new day, their fifth day, was coming. A sliver of light would eventually appear at the horizon. The morning light would gradually spread and brighten up the sky and the sea.

Yurina was back beside her, back in her arms, in her life. And Xiaoting was ready to keep that space by Yurina's side, to keep holding on...

...Keep believing that they would make it over and over again.

"We'll be okay, you and I."

"Yes, we'll be alright."

fin.