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“We should commit a murder,” is not something most people want to have randomly yelled at them at 6am on a Wednesday, and even fewer want King of Hell Lucifer to be the one to yell it at them. As is, Alastor just gave a slow blink at the sweet potato biscuits he had been making before turning to glance over his shoulder.
“Pardon, sire?” Alastor drawled out, squinting at where the tiny, all-powerful demon was standing in the kitchen doorway with his hands on his hips. Like that, he looked startlingly like Charlie whenever she had gathered to tell them about another group bonding activity. Alastor really hoped that wasn't what this was.
Lucifer strutted into the kitchen. He swiped the top hat off his head and twirled it on a finger, chirping in answer, “You and I are heading downtown to cause problems. Isn't that what you like to do, Mr. Radio? Do a little stabbing, do a little broadcasting, then BAM! Free dinner!”
Alastor spared one more glance to the biscuit dough as he shifted to fully face Lucifer. He summoned his radio cane to lean against, even despite the flour coating his hands, and clicked his tongue with a grin, “Our dear Charlotte put you up to this, did she not?”
“What? No, of course- it's that obvious isn't it,” Lucifer abruptly dropped the flamboyant act halfway into his sentence, his shoulders dropping as he scowled. He shoved his hat back onto his head as Alastor gave an admittedly not very innocent shrug. “Creepy bastard. But yes, kinda. Technically she only brought it up and my lovely soon-to-be daughter-in-law Vaggie explained to me what Anthony or whatever had told her, which brings us to here! So- murder time!”
Alastor leaned further forward until they were only a few inches apart. His grin grows a touch more predatory as he hissed, “Your Majesty. Surely by now you'd realize I want nothing to do with you.”
“Yeah, and the feelings are mutual,” Lucifer scoffed, pushing at Alastor's chest with his own cane. “But this is for Charlie, so I'd thought you'd be in.”
“Well, you are going to need to elaborate on that, sire.”
“Stop fucking sassing me!”
“Then I suggest you start talking.”
Lucifer rolled his eyes, “I haven't stopped since I got here, jerk. But since you insisted! Apparently when Charlie went up to deal with Angle's boss or whatever, the dude licked her. Licked her! And since she is… our daughter…”
Alastor cackled, “Aw, did that hurt you to say, Majesty?” The laughter- boosted by the fake audience chuckles his radio summons- cuts off suddenly. He swings his radio over his shoulder, using one hand to spin Lucifer back around to the doorway and using the newly freed one to snap. Alastor pushed Lucifer out of the kitchen as the partly made breakfast cleans itself up, saving poor Niffty the trouble. “Come along then, my dear. I happen to know exactly where this man lives…”
They quickly fall into and out of the shadows, arriving at the Vee's tower in barely a moment. Alastor hardly spared the ugly thing a glance as he headed over to the doors, though Lucifer dawdled as he stared up with wide eyes. Alastor supposed that was fair; since his wife had left, rumor has it that not even the Sins had seen Lucifer. For all Alastor knew, this was the first time he was going to see a flat-screen TV.
But that wasn't Alastor's issue. He hardly waited for the King as he strolled through the automatic doors, immediately getting hit with the urge to break his smile to sneer. Vox's filthy touch was absolutely everywhere.
“Wow, uh… This place sure is…” Lucifer spoke behind him.
“Tacky?” Alastor offered. “Hideous? Gaudy? Ghastly? Revolting?”
“Something. It sure is something.”
His grin may stay in place but that doesn't stop Alastor from rolling his eyes. He reached behind him and grabbed Lucifer's hand, tugging him along even after getting a defiant squeak of outrage like that of a rubber duck. Together, they power walk their way toward the elevators, only to be blocked by an employee.
“Um- pardon me, sirs, but-”
“I don't care,” Alastor scoffed, pushing the employee to the side with his cane. He's adamant to ignore Lucifer's snort at the action.
“Yes, well-” the employee flounders, chasing after them. They seem to have enough sense to not touch either of them, yet not enough to know to stop talking. “You need an appointment to see-”
Lucifer tugged on Alastor's hand, forcing him to stop. Annoyed, Alastor turned to watch Lucifer stare down the employee despite being a solid three feet shorter. With a wicked grin and something akin to amusement, Lucifer asked, “Don't you know who I am?”
That, at least, gave the employee pause. They looked Lucifer up and down, apparently taking note of the strikingly out of place top hat and expensive looking coat. Then their eyes slid to Alastor, staring pointedly at his radio cane. What little color the small demon had quickly vanished.
“Oh. Oh shit, oh fuck, oh God-” they began to ramble.
“Hey now, let's try to not bring the Big Man into this, yeah?” Lucifer's grin was still too sharp but his voice had evened out. He reached out and poked at the demon's nose, cheerfully saying, “We can put this all behind us, you know? Just move aside and let us talk to your Big Man, and it'll all be a-okay!”
The employee hastily nodded, scurrying off a second later. Alastor, who's smile had turned to something amused, remarked, “Why, would you look at that! You can actually be something other than a hot mess!”
“Who taught you that? Aren't you, like, 100?” Lucifer wrinkled his nose, pushing forward. Alastor saw the gleam of amusement in the other's eyes, however, and took that as a tally in his corner. He also knew the King was going to wind up lost should he keep walking ahead, so he stepped forward as well.
“And aren't you as old as the very Universe,” Alastor shot back in turn, herding Lucifer toward the elevators once again. “The beginning of time was, what, a few trillion years ago? How old would that make you?”
“Yeah, yeah, you've made your point. Where are we going?” Lucifer asked, stepping into the elevator. He pressed a finger to his chin as he squinted at the numbered buttons. Alastor shooed him back to press the one for the top floor.
Button shining in the sterile cart and them now moving up, Alastor replied, “Tell me, sir: if you lived in this kind of place, where would you stay?”
“The top floor, I get it. Can't you give a straight answer for once?”
“Perhaps. But neither of us can do that very well, can we?”
“I- wha- Okay, but seriously, where are you learning this? For someone who's so stuck in time, I thought that would've applied to slang, too.”
“Well, you'd be wrong,” Alastor sing-songed. The elevator cart finally came to a stop, and the meticulously clean doors slid open. Alastor gave a pleased hum as he stepped out, the other following a half step behind.
The first one to notice them is the young lady who was at the Overlord meeting- Velvette, Carmilla had called her. She sat lounged over a lovechair, her phone glowing brightly a few inches in front of her face. Velvette's eyes flickered up for a second, glancing them over, then darted back to the phone. She called out, “Vox, your ex is here!”
Lucifer leaned over, a hand raised to cover his lips as if Velvette even cared they were in the room. He whispered, “I don't have an ex. This one yours?”
“Oh, haha, Heavens no. It's more of a one-sided obsession on Vox's part! I poke at him occasionally, he foams at his mouth and screams about me for a few months, he quiets down, and the cycle repeats.” Alastor gleefully answered, waving a hand carelessly as he spoke with a sharper grin than normal.
Lucifer squinted up at him. Seeming baffled, he asked, “Are we sure you are a deer and not a cat?”
Alastor elbowed Lucifer sharply just as Vox stormed in with a glitchy screen. “Velvette, what the fuck-” he stuttered to a stop as his gleaming eyes landed on Alastor. Vox's already annoyed expression turned to something downright murderous. “You.”
“Me~” Alastor laughed, heedless to Lucifer's mocking ‘you’. “Luckily for you, Vox, I'm not here for your… anything, actually.”
“Yeah!” Lucifer suddenly shouted from a burst of energy. He threw an arm over Alastor's shoulders, dragging him down about a foot. “We're here on behalf of my daughter! So, bring out Villantino or whatever the fuck his name is before I make you!”
Grin turning to a dry sort of smile, Alastor peeled Lucifer's arms off his shoulders and stood back to his full height. He slammed his cane into the ground, his grin snapping back to his normal wide one. “You heard the King. I had assumed you have more sense than to ignore him, though I might very well have been mistaken,” he remarked with a laugh.
“So help me, you outdated, ancient fucker,” Vox hissed, flipping Alastor off as he turned back around, presumably to get Valentino. Velvette, from where she had yet to move from the couch, scoffed.
Lucifer tipped back on his heels, apparently quickly reverting back to the ‘I am in a new place and have no idea what to do with myself’ thing he had going on. He began to click his tongue as he rocked and waited, sending one of Alastor's ears twitching with every noise. The TV a few feet away buzzed on and on about some clown contest being held a few rings down. Velvette's nails clacked against her phone screen with every swipe.
After what felt like an eternity of waiting in which Alastor had to hold his ears from flattening against his skull in irritation, Vox stalked back into the room, a towering moth demon gliding in behind him. With a Godawful robe and a hat about as dumb as Lucifer's, Valentino smirked as he stared down at them.
“Well, to what do I owe this royal visit!” Valentino purred, licking his lips. Alastor kept from shivering at the chills that went down his spine; Lucifer did not. “The last one who was here was our lovely princessa, who got to see our lovely studio in action. Perhaps you're here to volunteer?”
“Good fucking luck getting the Radio Demon to fuck,” Vox muttered under his breath, still loud enough for Alastor to hear. The room rang with ear splitting static.
Nearly simultaneously, Lucifer cringed away with a noise of disgust. “Oh, ew, gross. No, no, no-ho-ho. Nu-uh. Nope. Uh, we're not here for that.”
“No? A pity. Perhaps His Majesty is here for business, then?” Valentino hummed. He reached out to take Lucifer's hand. Expecting a kiss to the back of the hand, both Lucifer and Alastor were startled when Valentino rolled up the King's sleeve and licked his way up his arm.
Before anyone could blink, Valentino was flying across the room and all six wings were flaring out of Lucifer's back. Alastor, who had a horrified noise about to escape him, bursted out a sudden laugh. Velvette made no moves to hide her taking a photo of her downed coworker.
“What. The fuck.” Lucifer growled after a long stretch of silence, halo of fire burning in ominous warning. His eyes began to melt into crimson as he took a step forward, hands curled into tight fists. “You not only dared to touch me like that, but my daughter?”
Vox stumbled back a few paces, now hiding behind Velvette's seat, while Valentino tried to regather his bearings. Wide, glowing eyes stared past now cracked glasses in evident fear.
Valentino fumbled out, “My Lord, I think there has been some kind of-”
“As your Lord, I forbid you from speaking to me,” Lucifer shouted. A fist, encompassed in holy magic, flew forward, nailing Valentino in the face and further breaking his glasses. “You are worth less than the ground I walk on, you bitch!”
“Alastor! Get your fucking dog!” Vox shouted angrily, pointing almost desperately toward the enraged demon.
“Mm, no!” Alastor chuckled. He lifted his cane to tap on the radio. Receiving some feedback, he gave a wide grin. Showman voice on, he said into the mic, ”Ladies and Gentlemen -and the rest of you lovelies, of course- I bring you a show you all haven't heard for some time now.”
Alastor held out his cane toward the feuding two, letting it pick up on Lucifer's, “You touched my daughter, you hurt her friend, you tried to target Creepy Pants over there's weird gremlin maid- I should kill you!” In understandable distress, Valentino wailed. Blood splattered against the TV and walls as Lucifer slashed his claws across the man.
”Ah, do you hear those darling screams, dear viewers? That is what becomes of those who cross our very own Princess of Hell! None can say Lucifer is an absent father any longer, I suppose.”
“Ugh, thank you! Finally!” Lucifer threw over his shoulder with a pointed look, blood smearing his cheek. Before he could get a response, he whirled back around, stood, and jumped onto Valentino's stomach. The Vee's made noise of sympathy at their partner's distressed noise.
Alastor rolled his eyes as he stepped closer. A radio he hadn't realized was pinned to Vox's suit sputtered out the audio. He laughed before saying, ”Yes, the King is going full Papa Bear on the Vee's very own director. Will he live through this? Who's to say! But we all must admit, the entertainment is spectacular.”
“Don't need to narrate everything, bud,” came the grumble as Lucifer plunged his hand through Valentino's shoulder. Blood squirted everywhere. Alastor stepped to the side to avoid being painted red, though Lucifer's coat didn't fare so well, not that he seemed to care. He twisted his hand inside the wound and then ripped it out, muscle now accompanying the blood.
”It is a gruesome sight to behold,” Alastor tittered. He leaned back a bit to send a warning glare to the other two, a silent ‘you will be next if you keep gawking’, then added overtop more screams, ”I have missed this. Should we make this a weekly occurrence, sir?”
Lucifer pulled back his wings to kick at Valentino. He aimed straight for the jaw, sending a golden tooth flying as Valentino cried out. With nary a scratch on him, Lucifer fluttered up to stand upon Alastor's shoulders, answering, “Father help me, I hope not.”
”Hahaha! We all know he doesn't listen to Earth, let alone us down here. But that's the end of this broadcast, dearies. Tune in next time for another unforgettable time! …Get off of me.”
“Mmmm, nah.” Lucifer settled down fully on Alastor's shoulders, kicking his legs out and leaning an arm against Alastor's ears. “You didn't help fight, so you're ferrying me home.”
“There was hardly a chance to stop in, sir. Your prowess knows no bounds.” Even as he said that, Alastor turned back toward the elevator with one last glance to the three imbeciles staring after them wide eyed. His shadow waved happily from within the elevator.
Lucifer snorted, now dropping his cheek against his arm. Poking at an ear, he said, “The amount of sarcasm in that sentence is enough to cause a power outage.”
“Oh, we can only hope.” Alastor’s grin turned mischievous as he barely resisted the urge to stick his tongue out at Vox. He didn't, because he's not six, and his manman raised him better than that. His claw hovered over the button for the first floor as he addressed the Vee's, “However, touch our bleeding-heart Princess again, and I'll make sure there is a permanent blackout.”
“Yeah, fuck you bitches!” Lucifer cackled. Alastor felt the angelic wings flared out as the feathers brushed against his back. Feeling oddly proud, Alastor pressed the button and the doors closed against Vox's anger, Velvette's surprise, and Valentino's fear.
A moment later, the shadows engulfed them.
They re-emerge in front of the hotel where thankfully no one greets them. Lucifer remains perched atop Alastor's shoulders like a pirate's parrot from a child's storybook as they enter into the foyer. Again, no one is there, which is a genuine surprise for 8 in the morning. Nevertheless, they take advantage of this and make their way up the stairs.
“Aw, are you going to be my knight in shining armour? Carrying me to my room?” Lucifer hummed, wings curling around to partially block Alastor's eyesight.
Alastor reached a hand up to swat at the King, muttering irritatedly, “I'm leaving you with our daughter. You may not be as bad as I had thought a week ago, yet you do grate on my nerves.”
“Is that your way of saying you're starting to like me? That's adorable, Bambi. And luckily for you, I agree: you aren't as much of an insane freak as I thought you were!”
“How gracious of you, Your Majesty.”
“Oh, I know! Aren't I amaz- hey, wait a minute. Our daughter?”
“Your words from this morning, not mine,” Alastor pleasantly chirped. He reached up to grab the back of a bloodstained coat, pulling Lucifer off his shoulders with the same ease as when he picks Niffty up. He settled Lucifer in front of Charlie and Vaggie's door, giving him a mocking pat on the head. “Now, I need to finish breakfast, so be a good boy and talk to the spawn.”
Alastor pivoted on his heels, already halfway down the hallway when he heard Lucifer call after him, “Stop tearing this family apart or I'm making you a rubber duck!”
“You started this when you abandoned our daughter!” Alastor shot back without looking back.
“How dare you! I want a divorce!”
“You can try~”
Distantly a door slams open, followed by Husk's angry shout, “Both of you shut the fuck up!”
A week later, whispered through the Rings and scrawled across news networks, is the hottest new rumor: the Radio Demon and King of Hell are married. For all their joking, it goes over as well as one would think. One thing is for certain, however: Angel is thrilled with his impromptu vacation.