Archive of Our Own ^beta

no.1 

The first time Lelouch Lamperouge dies, it is Suzaku’s fault. 

Due to recent events, Suzaku does not often feel the need to own up to his mistakes. In fact, there are no mistakes, only justifiable actions, necessary steps to move forward. His unprecedented rise through the Britannian ranks, all the way to Knight of Seven, is completed with a dull sense of inevitability. Suzaku has always dreamed of climbing the ladder, and he has always known, on some level, that it would be impossible to do so without stepping on a few heads on his way up. It is, in a way, quite lucky for him that Lelouch presented himself as the perfect candidate to be crushed under Suzaku’s heel on his way to the top. He can think of few other circumstances that would allow him to advance so quickly, and few other people more deserving of being completely, utterly destroyed. 

Can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs was the first English idiom he’d ever learned. It had been accompanied, of course, by a pretentious lecture on politics and military strategy that had gone entirely over his ten-year-old head, and which he is now certain had been at least partially made up by his equally ten-year-old instructor. 

So there are no mistakes, no guilt, only what Lelouch had described as an acceptable level of casualties before Suzaku cracked an egg directly over his head and ended the conversation entirely. 

Even so, he has to admit there is no good reason for him to go see Lelouch Lamperouge. The Lelouch he actually knows, his best friend, and worst enemy, and something else he can’t even begin to describe, is gone. That Lelouch disappeared when Suzaku grabbed him by the hair and forced him to look into his father’s eyes, committing an entirely bloodless murder befitting of his new white suit. 

The Lelouch currently attending Ashford academy– who actually sometimes bothers attending his classes, who dearly loves his little brother, and who spends his free time gambling because he has nothing better to do– that Lelouch is an acquaintance at best. Someone he went to school with for a little while, not someone who he maybe, possibly, at one point, thought of as the person most important to him in the entire world. Definitely not someone who’s a close enough friend for Suzaku to be paying him a surprise visit.

The visit is, of course, cleared with the Office of Secret Intelligence beforehand. Suzaku fills out the paperwork that is apparently a necessary prerequisite for anyone to interact with Lelouch, pausing briefly on the box labeled reason for contact. He has no excuse for this. He already, by personal request, receives copies of Lelouch’s schoolwork, the log of his daily activity, the transcripts of every conversation he has, and the truly ridiculous amount of video footage of Lelouch doing such exciting and diabolical activities as brushing his teeth and failing to complete the number of situps required for a passing P.E. grade. 

He had been convinced, at first, that it was vitally important that he have access to these materials. Lelouch is smart, a terrific liar, and possesses the annoying ability to rewire people’s brains at will. If he actually manages to get his memories back, Suzaku knows the OSI has no hope of stopping him, even with Villetta’s immunity and Rolo’s own geass. Lelouch would find a way to manipulate them, outsmart them, possibly kill them. So he had spent hours reading through Lelouch’s hastily done homework, committing his personal schedule to memory, and scrubbing through video footage to double check that Lelouch vi Britannia hadn’t somehow dug himself out of the grave Suzaku put him in. If anyone was going to notice, it would have to be Suzaku. He knew Lelouch best, better than anyone. If there was any sort of slip-up, any sign that Zero had resurfaced, even if everyone else missed it, Suzaku would know. 

But after a month of finding no secret messages in Lelouch’s English essays, and several mornings of waking up in front of his computer to find LL_Stdnt_Cncl_Surveillance_00257.MOV still playing, Suzaku has had to face the fact that Zero is well and truly dead, and that he is perhaps developing an unhealthy obsession with an incredibly unremarkable Britannian highschool student. Unfortunately, his new and improved method of self-justification means that this realization has not prompted any change in his behavior. If he continues falling asleep to the sound of Lelouch’s voice, that’s only him continuing to aid in the OSI’s surveillance. He can’t let his guard down. Lelouch could get his memories back at any time, and when he does, Suzaku will be there to stop him. If he does. Ideally, Lelouch is gone forever. 

Ideally, Lelouch is dead.

His pen hovers over the form. Suzaku probably knows more about Lelouch Lamperouge than Lelouch himself does, and the OSI is most definitely aware of this. What is his reason for contact ? Social call? Closure? Finally summoning the guts to commit actual cold-blooded murder, instead of letting a geass do it for him?

He leaves the box blank, figuring his rank is probably high enough to let him get away with it. He doesn’t need a reason to go see Lelouch. They are friends, after all. 

The OSI approves his visit without comment, and Suzaku finds himself knocking on the door to the clubhouse, trying not to feel nervous. The last time he saw Lelouch properly, he had him pinned to the floor of Britannia’s throne room, forcing him to keep his eye open as Lelouch screamed. The last time he had seen the puppet piloting Lelouch’s corpse had been in a Euro-Britannian prison, where Lelouch had begged Suzaku to kill him, before promptly getting distracted by a nonexistent field of sunflowers and flopping down next to Suzaku on the floor. He had started chattering about his plans for tomorrow, like they were ten years old and best friends again. Suzaku had promised to take him fishing, and Lelouch had smiled sleepily at him and dozed off against his shoulder, looking infuriatingly at peace. 

The Lelouch who opens the door merely looks bemused. “Oh, hey.” 

“Hey,” says Suzaku, feeling a little disgusted by how easy it is to slide back into being Lelouch’s harmless friend from school. He dislikes how good he is at lying, at what that might mean. “Sorry to drop by unannounced, but I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I’d say hi. It’s been a while.” 

“Yeah, it has,” says Lelouch. “Guess you’ve been pretty busy, with the promotion, and all. Congrats, by the way. I’m sure everyone else would love to congratulate you, too, but it’s just me and Rolo here today. I think everyone else is busy with some kind of club thing. You better let Milly know in advance next time you visit, I’m sure she’s been dying to throw a party in your honor.” 

“Oh, that’s too bad,” says Suzaku, who is very aware that Villetta had, at his instruction, asked Shirley to go shop for possible new swim team uniforms today, making sure to do so within earshot of Milly, who could never resist a shopping spree. Rivalz, Suzaku had assured her, would certainly tag along as soon as he heard “Milly” and “swimsuit” in the same sentence. “I think maybe I lucked out on avoiding the party, though.” 

Lelouch snorts. “Yeah, probably. But seriously, they’d love to see you. You wanna come in?” 

“Yeah, thanks,” Suzaku says, and follows Lelouch to the dining room. It looks empty and forlorn without Nunnally and her paper cranes. He says hello to Rolo, who begrudgingly pretends that he’s happy to see Suzaku, but has a lot of homework to do, so he’ll leave the two of them to catch up. And then, for approximately fifteen minutes, he successfully makes smalltalk with Lelouch Lamperouge, for what turns out to be the last fifteen minutes of his life.

Suzaku is not certain how exactly he slips up, or when. The real slip up, in hindsight, is him coming here in the first place. But somehow, the conversation turns to Suzaku’s job, and Lelouch is congratulating him again, and then– 

“It really is so impressive,” Lelouch is saying, “I wish I were able to serve Britannia like– like that–” 

Suzaku sees the exact moment Lamperouge disappears, as Lelouch’s eyes unfocus and fuck, this wasn’t supposed to happen anymore, he’s supposed to be fine now, please don’t make me do this again! 

Lelouch gets up, unsteadily. “No, I don’t…why did I…” He tries to walk, to go somewhere, nowhere, maybe away from Suzaku, and immediately loses his balance. Suzaku catches him, knocking into the table in his hurry. He doesn’t remember getting up, himself. 

“Where…” Lelouch turns to look at him, and Suzaku sees his eyes refocus. No don’t no no no no– “Suzaku.” 

“Lelouch,” says Suzaku, and it’s weirdly hard to get the name out, his throat feels so dry, and if he were not currently experiencing what feels like every emotion at once, he would appreciate the irony of that. “Stop.” 

Lelouch raises a shaking hand towards him, moving to...what? Clutch his shoulder? Caress his face? Grab him by the throat and choke him, like he deserves? The hand just hangs there, grasping vaguely, like a child gesturing at something too high for them to ever reach. “Suzaku, please…” 

“Big brother!” says Rolo, bursting into the room. “I heard a crash, is everything–” he stops dead in the doorway to the dining room, before suddenly moving as if to grab Lelouch away from Suzaku. “What happened?” 

“I’ve got him,” says Suzaku, tightening his grip on Lelouch. He sees Rolo eye the hand he has on Lelouch’s shoulder with a positively murderous glower, and files that away under problems to think about once the ghost of my best friend stops staring at me. “He’s not a threat. Contact the OSI and tell them he’s…relapsed.” 

Rolo shoots him another glare, but nods, and two minutes later the clubhouse is full of agents. This should be the end of it for Suzaku, but he’s informed by a harried looking Villetta that his presence seems to be keeping Lelouch docile, and the OSI is a bit short handed at present (a fact which surely has nothing to do with their employment of an extremely homicidal teenager), so if possible, could Suzaku just stay here until they’re able to get the situation under control? 

Suzaku does not feel like he can say no, given that “the situation” is entirely his fault, so he helps manhandle Lelouch into the OSI office hidden beneath the library, and sits there, stone faced, while Lelouch stares at him vacantly. Rolo stands exactly five feet away (a distance which, entirely coincidentally, matches the one his file lists as the maximum range of his geass before it begins putting extra strain on his heart), and fiddles with his cell phone. 

“Suzaku,” says Lelouch. Suzaku stares straight ahead and says nothing, so Lelouch gives up and puts his head on his shoulder. Rolo’s eye twitches. 

Twelve hours later, His Royal Majesty Charles zi Britannia lands in Area 11, and puts Lelouch vi Britannia safely back in his grave. Lelouch Lamperouge no.1 is replaced with a new, improved version, who has no strong political opinions. 

Suzaku apologizes profusely for accidentally killing Lamperouge no.1, and swears to maintain a strict no-contact policy with no.2 in order to prevent any future relapses. He goes home and closes his computer’s tabs of LL_Lnch_Surveillance_00456 - 00507.MOV. He won’t make the same mistake again.

no.2

The second time Lelouch Lamperouge dies, it is still Suzaku’s fault. 

As promised, he has stayed far away from Lamperouge no.2. Last time had been a momentary lapse in judgment, brought on by too many nights watching Lelouch through his computer monitor. So he stays away from his computer, too, lets the copies of Lelouch’s homework pile up on his desk unread. The OSI is perfectly capable of doing their own jobs, jobs which, unlike Knight of Seven, actually have “stalking Lelouch Lamperouge” in their description. It was stupid to think that he and Lelouch had some special connection, that he had some unique insight into Lelouch’s mind. As if he’d ever known Lelouch at all. 

Of course, this turns out to be the real mistake. Suzaku fastforwards through his backlog of footage, pauses, rewinds. Stares at the screen. Takes a minute to bury his head in his hands, because despite how much Lelouch has lied to him, there is absolutely no way he would’ve missed this. 

Lelouch Lamperouge no.2 never regained any of his real memories, Suzaku is sure of this. Unfortunately, erasing Lelouch’s mother, sister, and numerous crimes against humanity from his mind still leaves him with his impressive level of intelligence and powers of observation. So Suzaku is not so much surprised as he is annoyed when he gets the call from Villetta telling him Lelouch has just been upgraded to no.3, due to the former version of him walking straight into the OSI’s headquarters.

A part of Suzaku wants to laugh, it’s so absurd. He kind of wishes he could see the look on everyone’s faces. Then he remembers he can, and the resolve he’d so carefully built up to stop himself from watching Lelouch’s personal reality show immediately crumbles. 

It’s just. Nobody except Lelouch would be simultaneously so smart and so, so stupid. He has to see it. Suzaku pulls up the security footage that’s been forwarded to him, and watches Lelouch Lamperouge, with no less than three guns trained on him, actually attempt to lecture the OSI on involving his brother in whatever covert investigation they’re conducting. This is very clearly not a revived Zero, but the entire spectacle is so very Lelouch that Suzaku feels a bit hysterical. 

Evidently, this Lelouch had caught on to the fact that Ashford Academy was part of some massive surveillance operation in which Rolo was also involved. Being a reasonable and still-geassed person, he had then come to the conclusion that Britannia had ensnared his innocent little brother in their investigation, with the most likely goal of keeping tabs on any Ashford students who might be in contact with their former classmate, and wanted terrorist, Kallen. Suzaku has to admit this is a much more believable explanation than the truth that Lelouch’s entire life, Rolo included, is a lie, and the surveillance is intended solely for making sure he does not remember he used to be the most wanted terrorist in the country. 

“I assume I’m a prime suspect,” Lelouch says on the recording, still ignoring the guns, “considering the absolutely ludicrous and definitely illegal level of surveillance I seem to be under, but I assure you that Kallen and I barely knew each other. As far as I know, Rolo barely knew her, either, and I’m not sure what you told him to convince him this was a good idea, but I certainly have questions about such reckless endangerment of a minor– ” 

He does not shut up the entire time, even as he’s handcuffed and locked in an empty office. Suzaku stops the recording there, freezing Lelouch no.2 with an imperious look on his face, clearly full of self-satisfaction at single-handedly discovering Britannia’s top secret base of operations. This is what Lelouch looks like when he thinks he’s won. He has no idea that he’s already lost, and that as soon as the OSI manages to get ahold of the Emperor, he will lose again. 

Suzaku doesn’t watch that part. 

Instead, he watches every single piece of Lelouch footage between the creation of no.2 and today, because if Lelouch managed to figure all of this out, that means someone messed up. So Suzaku watches, even though it’s obvious who the real culprit is. It was obvious who killed his father, too. It was obvious that Lelouch was Zero. But it was always easy to look the other way, to pretend, to say it wasn’t his fault. So Suzaku sits down and watches, even though he already knows how it ends.

What Suzaku sees is: 

Thirteen days ago, Lelouch noticed something. Suzaku is not sure what. Maybe an agent put his homework back not-quite-exactly right. Maybe he noticed one of the lights in the Student Council room now looks suspiciously like a camera. Maybe he noticed anytime he left campus without Rolo, a member of the Academy staff was always taking the same train. Whatever it is, Suzaku knows he noticed, because shortly after this, he developed a habit of staring aimlessly off into space. Lelouch is lazy, but rarely is he unfocused. Suzaku knows this is his way of watching, while trying not to look like he’s watching anything.

Ten days ago, Lelouch made conflicting plans to eat lunch with Shirley on the lawn, with Rivalz in the cafeteria, and with Rolo off-campus. He then ate lunch alone on the roof, paging through his math textbook, and occasionally glancing up to get a perfect view of the gardener taking a suspiciously long time to trim the hedges around Shirley, of Villetta tossing a perfectly good bento-box in the trash before entering the cafeteria, and of a panicked looking Rolo running back onto school grounds far too quickly for someone who should have no way of knowing Lelouch stood him up. Afterwards Lelouch apologized and said he’s been distracted lately because he has so much homework. 

Six days ago, Lelouch made an offhand remark about feeling like he’s being watched. Shirley told him he was working too hard, Rivalz told him it must be nice being popular, and Milly told him he should take a day off ( after you finish the paperwork for the giant pizza!). Rolo had worriedly said Lelouch should get more sleep, then made up an excuse to leave. 

Three days ago, Lelouch seemingly coincidentally wandered into the library as Rolo was about to report to the OSI. He said he was doing research for his overdue English essay, a fact which was easily confirmed by his course schedule. Rolo was unable to come up with an equally convincing explanation, but Lelouch shrugged and accepted his stammered excuse of also needing to do some homework.

Nearly all of these are warning signs that the OSI shouldn’t have needed Suzaku to spot. It would be so easy to blame Rolo, or Villetta, or general negligence. But, then: 

Two days ago, Lelouch looked directly into the camera hidden in the Student Council’s filing cabinet, brought a hand up to his ear, and tugged on his earlobe, twice. 

Suzaku’s eyes are burning from staring at the screen for too long. Maybe he saw it wrong. Maybe Lelouch is just scratching his ear. Maybe he’s going crazy. This Lelouch is not Zero. This Lelouch should not remember knowing Suzaku at age ten, or any secret languages that may or may not have been made up at that time. 

Then again, Suzaku doesn’t know the exact details of how the geass on Lelouch works. It’s not as though the Emperor had sat there and spelled out Lamperouge’s entire life story. Clearly some of Lelouch’s old memories were still there, just twisted to fit his new ones. Maybe this Lelouch remembered a secret code made up by a couple of bored highschoolers, instead of a couple of lonely children. Or maybe it’s subconscious. Maybe this was a surviving part of the real Lelouch, not Zero, just a piece of the Lelouch who’d very seriously sat Suzaku down and explained that a hand on the collar meant let’s talk on the roof , touching a fist to an elbow meant this is stupid , and two tugs on the ear meant I’m scared . 

The most likely explanation is still that Suzaku is well and truly losing his mind. That’s preferable to thinking about any of the other possibilities. It doesn’t change the fact that this is still the piece of evidence that he needs. This is how he knows it’s his fault. 

He calls Villetta back and tells her he’s re-enrolling at Ashford. 

no.3

Going to school with Lelouch is easy. It’s muscle memory at this point, the same way piloting the Lancelot is. Press this button, do your math homework, dodge incoming projectiles, help out with Milly’s party planning. Once you have the rhythm down, it becomes mindless. Suzaku no longer hesitates when he pulls a trigger, so when Lelouch smiles at him, he doesn’t hesitate to smile back. 

He considers asking about the code, considers tugging on his collar and seeing if Lelouch will still come meet him on the roof. It would be the smart thing to do, probably. It’ll be easier for him to fit in with Lelouch’s new memories if he actually knows what those memories include. 

He doesn’t. He hasn’t reported the incident with Lelouch no.2 to the OSI, either. He tells himself it doesn’t matter, really. It’s easier if he continues assuming Lelouch Lamperouge is a completely different person. He has to be. The real Lelouch is dead, and Suzaku will keep digging him a deeper grave for as long as it takes to keep him that way. 

Unfortunately, Suzaku is coming to realize he might want Lelouch Lamperouge no.3 dead just as badly. He is, for all intents and purposes, Lelouch as Suzaku wanted him to be, as he pretended he was. Here is a Lelouch who really is just an innocent student, who still loves his younger sibling, and who only cuts class to gamble, not to kill. One could see it as a win-win situation: Suzaku destroyed Zero without killing his best friend. And now he has this oblivious, unburdened Lelouch, like some kind of souvenir. Lelouch with all the ugly parts cut away. Lelouch without his teeth.

The TV in the student council room is playing some news segment about how Britannian forces have tracked down another cell of the Black Knights. Suzaku is pretty sure this isn’t true, that the casualties mentioned are all propaganda, or some attempt to cover up a real operation that paints Britannia in a less ideal light. He doesn’t care, but Lelouch looks up. 

“How terrible,” he says, carelessly, like he’s saying it just to say something. Mindlessly. Like pulling a trigger. “I hope they catch them soon.”

He can’t be in school all the time. There are still duties to attend to, Knightmare tests to run, battles to fight. The Black Knights may have disappeared, but Britannia has an endless list of people, and countries, and factions that need destroying. So Suzaku destroys them.

There is a gap in his memory, which turns into two, which turns into many. Suzaku remembers, he used to go into every fight wondering if this would finally, finally be his last. Suzaku does not fear death. He yearns for it, the way he used to yearn for his father’s attention, and Tohdoh’s approval, and Lelouch’s smile. 

This is still true, he’s sure. But when he tries to think about it now, his mind goes hazy, his vision goes red, and he can’t, he can’t think about it, because he has to, has to – 

So he doesn’t think about it, and he pulls the trigger and smiles and goes to school. If he’s not allowed to die, then neither is Lelouch. 

It’s vindicating, when he returns to school from a battle he can’t remember the latter half of, but apparently won, to find that Lelouch has reacquired his habit of staring off into space. Because this time, Suzaku is there. He puts himself firmly in Lelouch’s field of vision every time, waves a hand in front of his face, or flicks him on the forehead, or says hey, Earth to Lulu?

Lelouch swats him away. “I’m just thinking. Jeez, you sound like Shirley. What’s with the nickname?” 

“I’ll use your full name when you actually pay attention to your work,” says Suzaku, and kicks Lelouch under the table to stop him from scanning the room for cameras again. 

Lelouch glares and kicks him back, and they get absolutely no work done. But he does stop staring at nothing, and Suzaku thinks it's working, until he realizes Lelouch has started staring at him instead. 

Technically, this is still a success. But it’s a wonder Lelouch didn’t immediately realize he was being watched all the time, if this is what it feels like. Suzaku can feel Lelouch’s eyes on him, constantly, burning. He wants to run away. He wants to scream. He wants Lelouch to die again, and again, and again. He wants Lelouch to keep looking at him. 

“You should come over for dinner,” says Lelouch, after a week of studying Suzaku like he’s a puzzle, and Suzaku pretending not to notice. 

Suzaku blinks, thinking about the last time he was in Lelouch’s dining room, how wrong it felt without Nunnally, and of Lelouch no.1’s empty eyes. 

“Okay,” he says, and Lelouch smiles, the way he does when he thinks he’s won. 

Dinner is delicious, some fancy beef dish that Suzaku immediately forgets the name of. Lelouch beams when he goes back for seconds. They talk about nothing, and Lelouch keeps staring at him. 

Rolo, meanwhile, picks at his food and makes a halfhearted effort to appear interested in the conversation. Suzaku does not talk to Rolo much, partly because Rolo clearly wants to kill him just for daring to exist in the general vicinity of Lelouch, and partly because Suzaku feels the same way. He shouldn’t. He knows Lelouch, the real one, would be furious if he saw Nunnally replaced by some imposter. Rolo is an excellent reminder that Suzaku has gotten his revenge, that he has ripped away everything Lelouch actually cared about. 

And Nunnally is safe, he’d made sure to confirm that. Britannia plans to reinstate her title as Princess. She’s doubtless much safer away from her brother, the madman, who’d shown no qualms about executing any of his other siblings. But he can’t stop himself from feeling slightly sick when he looks at Rolo and his stupid cellphone charm that was clearly supposed to go to Lelouch’s real sibling. 

Not to mention the fact that Rolo won’t stop killing people he’s supposed to be working with. Or that he’s clearly become way too attached to Lelouch Lamperouge. It makes Suzaku’s blood boil, to think that anyone could love Lelouch, when he isn’t even real, and when they know what he’s done, and when– 

“I’m tired,” Rolo announces, pushing in his chair. “Please excuse me.” 

“Are you okay?” asks Lelouch. “Not feeling well? Let me see–” 

Suzaku clears his plate while Lelouch fusses over his fake little brother. It’s none of his business if Rolo wants to be an idiot, so long as he keeps doing his job. This is what Lelouch deserves. Any discomfort he feels (solely on behalf of Nunnally) can be ignored. 

Rolo finally escapes to his room, and Lelouch turns back to Suzaku, and they argue over whether or not Suzaku should help wash the dishes. Suzaku wins, and then wishes he didn’t, as he stands shoulder to shoulder with Lelouch and dries things.

“So,” he finally says, “Why the dinner invite?” 

Lelouch shrugs and hands him another plate. “Why not? Maybe I just wanted to talk to you.” 

“About what?” 

Lelouch pauses, dries his hands. Finally, “I can trust you, right?” 

“Of course,” says Suzaku. His mouth is dry. Lelouch is staring straight into his eyes. “You can tell me anything.” 

“Okay, then,” Lelouch steps towards him. Suzaku stands perfectly still, hands still locked around the plate, white-knuckled. He holds it in front of him, between him and Lelouch like a shield, like it can somehow stop Lelouch from leaning in closer, so close that Suzaku can feel his breath. Stupidly, he thinks of the OSI's paperwork, of the box labeled reason for contact. 

Lelouch brings his mouth right up to Suzaku’s ear, and whispers, “I think I’m being watched.”

Suzaku’s stomach drops right through the floor. Lelouch is still standing very close, eyes searching. He puts the plate down and grabs Lelouch’s wrist.

“I have to show you something,” he says. 

Lelouch is quiet. He lets Suzaku lead him to the library and from there, to the OSI’s base, only raising an eyebrow at the secret passage. He obediently holds out his hands when Suzaku asks, letting himself be handcuffed without comment. Suzaku leads him to the makeshift holding cell, which is just a room, empty except for a table. Lelouch takes a seat on top of it, and then just looks at him expectantly. 

Suzaku has not thought about this part very much. If he had, he would not have thought about what to do if Lelouch followed him silently. The real Lelouch went to his death literally kicking and screaming. 

“Um,” he says, “You’ll have to wait here for a bit.” Sorry, he almost adds, but even a fake Lelouch does not deserve apologies. 

Lelouch tilts his head. “That’s all you have to say?” 

“What else do you want?” 

“An explanation would be nice. I assume this is all top secret, but you must be able to tell me something.” 

Suzaku stares at him, incredulous. “And why would you not ask for the explanation before I handcuffed you?” 

Lelouch glances down at his chained wrists like he’s just now noticing them. “I didn’t want to interrupt your work.” 

“Why are you so calm about this?” Suzaku finally asks. This is– it shouldn’t be like this, this should be Lelouch’s chance to yell at him. Even though he knows, logically, that this Lelouch has no way of knowing that his entire life is a lie and he’s about to have his memories wiped again, Suzaku is pretty sure that being suddenly kidnapped should be cause for more alarm. More struggling. At least mild annoyance. “Aren’t you…I don’t know, scared?” 

Lelouch actually scoffs. “Scared of what?” 

“Of your– your safety…?” This conversation is incredibly, incredibly stupid. Suzaku should just walk out right now. If Lelouch wants to simply let this happen to him, then less work for everyone. The reasons are not important. Suzaku doesn’t actually want to know, because he already knows, but it’s always easier to look away, until— 

“Oh, please,” Lelouch stares at him, like Suzaku is the stupid one who doesn’t understand the situation. “You would never hurt me.” 

Suzaku feels sick. “You can’t know that.” 

“Then go ahead and kill me, or whatever,” Lelouch rolls his eyes, like this is unthinkable to him. It must be a joke, the idea of Suzaku ever, ever wanting to hurt Lelouch. “Or, tell me something. Anything. It doesn’t even have to be an explanation.” 

“What?” 

Lelouch leans forward and smirks. “I told you a secret. It’s hardly fair if you don’t return the favor.” 

Suzaku steps closer, so that Lelouch has to look up to meet his eyes. He doesn’t owe Lelouch answers. Lelouch won’t even remember this conversation in a few hours. He could tell Lelouch anything, right now, and there would be no consequences. 

“No,” says Suzaku, and leaves.

no.4

Lelouch no.4 still stares at Suzaku, but now there’s a furrow in his brow that wasn’t there before, like he can’t figure out what he’s looking for. Suzaku doesn’t let it affect him, just tilts his head and smiles when he catches Lelouch’s eyes. He can be Lelouch’s distraction, if that’s what it takes to keep Zero dead. Lelouch frowns and looks away.

“Aww, trouble in paradise?” says Milly one day, draping herself over his shoulders as he’s trying to finish his homework in the Student Council room.

It’s not as though Suzaku is an idiot, or at least, not an oblivious one. He knows…what it looks like. Him always bothering Lelouch, like a little kid tugging on pigtails. Lelouch’s eyes on him. And then, there’s Lelouch on his computer screen, Lelouch pinned to the floor of Britannia’s throne room, Lelouch’s head on his shoulder. There’s nothing we can’t do, together and you would never hurt me and your existence is a mistake .

There’s the gap in his memory, too. His own recorded voice, alien to him, saying shut up, who cares about that, I have to– 

These are all things Suzaku knows. But he’s so very good at not thinking about it, unless he has to. What Milly knows, he reminds himself, is that Suzaku and Lelouch had dinner together, and now Lelouch won’t meet his eyes. Milly doesn’t know that Suzaku and Lelouch had dinner together, and then Lelouch willingly followed Suzaku to his execution. Very, very carefully, the same way he tries to pick up Arthur without getting clawed, Suzaku acknowledges the absolutely necessary facts about him and Lelouch, and leaves the rest in the dark. 

(Suzaku has never managed to pick up Arthur without getting clawed.)

“What are you talking about?” he says to Milly, feigning confusion. Suzaku also knows he is a coward. 

“Don’t play dumb!” Milly plops her chin on top of his head. “You have to be more careful with my poor Vice President’s heart! Lelouch tries to act cool, but he’s actually pretty sensitive, you know.” 

“O-oh, yeah…” He does his best to look bashful. “I’m not really sure what happened. He hasn’t said anything to me.” This is, technically speaking, not a lie. He has no idea what Lelouch remembers. He doesn’t want to know, actually, what Lelouch’s geassed brain might have concocted as an alternative reason to invite Suzaku over for dinner and whisper in his ear. 

“Of course not,” she sighs. “Lelouch has never been good at talking about his feelings, ever since he was a kid.” 

Suzaku suddenly has a genuine interest in this conversation, as he realizes Milly is also Lelouch’s childhood friend. She probably knows Lelouch better than he does, given that she was there for more than three months of Lelouch’s childhood. A part of him wishes she weren’t geassed, so he could ask her, did you know? Could you ever forgive him? Did he ever talk about me?

Instead, he asks, “You’ve known him a long time, huh?” 

“Yup! Our parents were friends, so he came to live with us when he was, like, ten.” 

“What was he like, as a kid?” 

“Oh, he’s always been a little brat,” Milly says fondly, “Always so serious. And lonely, I think. He had some other friend, back in the homeland, I think, that he was always comparing me to. I can’t for the life of me remember that kid’s name, but it was obvious Lelouch missed him a lot.” 

“I see,” Suzaku says, completely neutrally. Another Lelouch fact to be filed away and not looked at unless absolutely necessary. 

“He’s not very good at trusting people, I guess,” says Milly. “He’s never had that many real friends. But he clearly likes you. So go talk to him, ‘kay?” 

“Okay, I will,” he says, not meaning it in the slightest. “Uh, you know, we’re not…” 

“Sure, whatever you say,” Milly finally releases him. “But either way, if you don’t talk to him soon, you’ll have to deal with Shirley! Don’t expect her to be as nice as me!” 

“Right…” 

“And if you are interested, you’d better hurry and make it official before she steals him from you,” she winks at him. “I think you have a pretty good shot right now, but Lelouch has the emotional intelligence of a rock, so you should probably skip straight to the physical part so he really gets the message.”

“ W-what?” The embarrassment is definitely, completely, totally faked for the sake of keeping his cover. 

“Just some friendly advice!” Milly practically skips out of the room. “Go get him, tiger!” 

Suzaku prays very, very hard that LL_Stdnt_Cncl_Surveillance_01609.MOV gets accidentally deleted.

He does, in fact, have to deal with Shirley. 

He’d mostly put Milly’s warnings out of his mind, after a few days. There’s no real reason to try and stop Lelouch from acting weird, since it seems to be keeping him sufficiently occupied. It’s fine if their relationship stays this way. It’s better, even, to reduce the risk of Lelouch getting too close.

One minute he’s walking to class, and then the next his path is blocked by Shirley. Her face is already turning as red as her hair, and her feet are planted like she plans to start a fight with him. Suzaku blinks. 

“Um! Hi, Suzaku,” Shirley stammers. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” 

“Sure, what is it?”

“I-I know it’s none of my business, but what’s up with you and Lulu? You guys have been kind of weird lately, and he won’t tell me anything about it. I’m just worried about him.” She blushes harder, “And you! Both of you, I mean!” 

This is another thing Suzaku knows, that Shirley is in love with Lelouch. It’s more forgivable, in her case, because he knows she has no idea what Lelouch has done. At least, not anymore. In hindsight, the period where she forgot Lelouch’s entire existence is extremely suspect. Suzaku yet again laments the fact that everyone at Ashford was geassed before he could shake them all by the shoulders and beg them to understand that Lelouch has always been a liar who’s done nothing but hurt them. 

That aside, he actually likes Shirley. So he pastes another sheepish smile on and says, “Ah, right. I’m not really sure what that’s about, but we’re fine.” 

She tilts her head at him, “Did you guys have a fight?” 

“No, nothing like that. Don’t worry about it, Shirley.” 

Shirley nods. “I can tell you’re mad at him. He said something insensitive again, didn’t he?” 

“I’m not mad at him,” Suzaku lies, wondering how the hell Shirley came to that conclusion. Did he mess up, again? 

“No, I totally understand!” says Shirley, excitedly, almost like she and Suzaku are sharing a secret. He has absolutely no idea what she could mean by that. “Lulu’s such an idiot, sometimes. You’d think someone so smart would be more sensitive to other people’s feelings! But I know he really cares about you, so, you know, you should talk to him.” 

Shirley’s face is turning red again. Suzaku feels an impending sense of doom he has previously only associated with the moment before he blacks out, and realizes he has to get out of this conversation. “Okay, okay, I’ll go make up with him soon. But seriously, it’s not a big deal.” 

“Good!” says Shirley, then jumps as Suzaku starts trying to walk past her, as if suddenly remembering, “B-but just so you know, this doesn’t mean I…I mean, I’m really serious about Lulu, so…!” 

Suzaku starts walking faster. He really can’t afford to be late to class again. “It’s not like that, I promise! See you later!” 

He ends up skipping class just to splash cold water on his face in the bathroom. He stares at himself in the mirror and wonders how it can feel so simple to be his father’s son, and Zero’s killer, and Knight of Seven, but being an Ashford Academy student might actually be driving him insane.

So, now he has to talk to Lelouch. 

Or, he considers, he could not talk to Lelouch. But Milly has not-so-subtly shooed everyone else out of the Student Council room, leaving the two of them in there alone. Suzaku is fairly certain that if they don’t walk out of here without at least appearing to have worked things out, they may instead end up locked in a closet together or something. 

Lelouch doesn’t seem concerned with this possibility. He doesn’t look up from his book when Suzaku takes a seat next to him. 

“Hey,” says Suzaku, because he can’t say I need you to stop staring at me or all our friends think I’m in love with you or I hate you for letting me do this to you. This is a performance. There are three different cameras in this room. It’s extremely likely that the rest of the Student Council is listening at the door. And Lelouch is dead. 

Lelouch turns a page. “Hey.” 

“Did I do something to upset you?” It’s better to get straight to the point. He can figure out what Lelouch remembers, and apologize, and everything will go back to how it was. Except this time he won’t mess up. 

“I’m not upset.” 

“Yeah, you are,” he leans forward and rests his chin on his hands. At this angle, he has to look up at Lelouch. A perfectly nonthreatening posture. “Tell me what I did.” 

Lelouch finally looks over at him, because he can’t resist looking down on Suzaku. “ If you did something to upset me, one would assume you’d know what it was.” 

“Nope,” says Suzaku. “I’m an idiot.” 

“You’re not an idiot.” 

“Lelouch,” Suzaku blinks up at him with his best puppy-dog eyes. Lelouch frowns, which means it’s working. “Tell me what I did.”

“It’s nothing,” Lelouch fiddles with the page of his book, looking away again. “I was the one being stupid.” 

“Tell me.” 

“You just left really fast after dinner,” says Lelouch. “I was…It was rude of you.” 

“That’s it?” 

“Shut up,” says Lelouch. “I overreacted. It’s fine.” 

Suzaku smiles. “No, no, I’m sorry for being rude. I had to work. I’ll make it up to you.” 

Lelouch narrows his eyes. “Will you?” 

“Of course,” That was a perfectly normal thing for him to say. Nobody is going to question him saying that, even though it was a completely unnecessary statement that now means he has promised to spend more time with Lelouch. He could almost convince himself he said it on purpose. He has to change the subject. “Hey, can I ask you something else?”

“What?” 

“What were we talking about? You know, before I had to leave.” He knows, even as he’s saying it, that this is a stupid thing to ask. Something is wrong with him, he realizes. Maybe it’s the room. It’s definitely too stuffy in here, even though they’re supposed to have AC. 

“We were…” Lelouch’s brows furrow. “I was going to tell you something.” 

“Yeah?” 

“I wanted to tell you, I…” Something definitely has to be wrong with the AC, because Lelouch is sweating. Suzaku watches a drop slide down his neck in slow motion. “I have to tell you something important.” 

“What was it?” His voice comes out in a whisper. It is so unbearably hot, and they are speeding towards something inevitable, like when he fired that bullet at Zero’s helmet. Suzaku always knows how this is going to end. This is always Suzaku’s fault. 

“I can’t remember,” says Lelouch, and then he dies. 

no.5 

By this point, even Suzaku has to admit he might be starting to lose the plot a little. He is here to keep an eye on Lelouch, he reminds himself. Lelouch is here to lure C.C. back out of hiding. Everything else– the Student Council meetings, and classes, and Lelouch Lamperouge– that’s all fake. None of it matters. But it’s been months, by now, with no sign of C.C. or the Black Knights. And while he’s caught the occasional glimpse of Lelouch vi Britannia, there’s been no sign of Zero. 

It’s becoming harder to tell if his smiles are calculated, or if he’s actually having fun. Harder to remember he doesn’t care about high school, when there hasn’t been anything more pressing to deal with lately than Milly’s impending graduation. It’s getting harder to hold onto all his anger, when it seems like things might really stay like this. There really might no longer be a Zero to hate. It’s terrifying. It would be so easy, to let this be at least a little real. Euphy had wanted him to go to school, after all. 

But. 

There’s still that gap in his memory. 

The gap is proof that Lelouch has taken everything from him. This has to be Lelouch’s fault. If he could just stop blacking out, if he could face whatever curse he’s under, then he’d stop losing sight of his purpose. 

There are better places to test this than the Academy’s roof, but he doesn’t care. It’s late enough after school hours that nobody’s around, and the OSI can mind their own business. And Suzaku is suddenly very, very sick of all the things he can’t bring himself to acknowledge. 

Standing on the roof is fine. Climbing onto the railing is fine. He stares dispassionately down at the ground below. No blackouts yet. He checks the time. It’s 7:13pm. He doesn’t hesitate, just

He’s still standing on the railing. It is now 7:15pm. He does not remember the past two minutes. 

One foot off the edge is fine. He goes to 

Both feet are firmly planted again. It’s 7:18pm. 

He tries turning around, feinting as if he’s going to get safely back down onto the roof, before

It’s 7:20pm. He tries backing up and running, and then it’s 7:23pm and his hands are scraped from grasping at stone. Closer, that time. Again, and he’s pretty sure his knees banged into the railing. Again, and

He hasn’t moved, even though he’s certain he was just

He still hasn’t moved, but maybe if he

It’s 7:45pm. 

He ends up standing on the railing again, stubbornly trying to move his feet forward a millimeter at a time, until any attempts to move them further result in missing minutes. 

He feels very stupid. He already knows he can’t die, he knows when it started, and he knows who did this to him. But he still can’t remember. He needs to remember, because he’s incapable of acknowledging anything about Lelouch unless it stares him in the face. He feels like he could remember, if he could just get a little closer, if he could just make himself look at something for once, instead of– 

“Suzaku!” 

Lelouch is running towards him, looking frantic. He hadn’t heard him come up onto the roof. He’s not expecting it, and he turns too fast, and his feet, already as close to the edge as they could physically get, slip, and then he’s falling. He can already feel his mind starting to go hazy, vision going red, but then one Lelouch is grabbing at his wrist, and another Lelouch is staring into his eyes in the cockpit of the Lancelot, and he remembers, suddenly, the very obvious fact that Lelouch wants him to live.

He fumbles for Lelouch’s hand, and the other boy yanks him back over the railing so hard that the momentum sends them both crashing to the roof. Lelouch winces as his back hits the concrete. Suzaku lands on top of him and pushes himself up to meet wide, terrified violet eyes. 

“Are you okay?” Lelouch asks, “You really scared m–” 

Suzaku interrupts him by slamming a fist into the concrete directly next to his head. “Why.” 

“What?” 

“Why would you do that,” says Suzaku through gritted teeth. He knows Lelouch won’t understand the question, not really, but he doesn’t care. All he can think about is all the people Lelouch has killed without hesitation, and that cursed red eye, staring at him. He feels sick. 

Lelouch gapes at him, “Because I didn’t want you to die?!” 

Lelouch does not understand the question. If he did, he would have a different answer. Suzaku squeezes his eyes shut and slams his fist into the roof again.

“You’re shaking,” says Lelouch, softly. Then, “Are you crying?” 

Suzaku is not crying. The last time he cried was when Euphy died, and doing so over anything else would be a disservice to her memory. His hand is throbbing with pain. He lets his forehead drop back down to rest on Lelouch’s shoulder and squeezes his eyes shut tighter. Lelouch doesn’t move. 

“Seriously, you’re worrying me,” he says, “Please talk to me, Suzaku.” 

“Why do you care?” Suzaku says.

“Because, you’re…” 

Lelouch pauses for what feels like forever, and Suzaku thinks about how he has to calm down. He has to get his breathing under control, and open his eyes, and stop pinning Lelouch to the ground. He stays frozen. He doesn’t know what he will do if he stops keeping his face pressed to Lelouch’s shoulder. 

“I don’t know,” Lelouch says finally, sounding suddenly very, very tired. “I don’t know why I did it.” 

A horrible noise claws itself out of Suzaku’s throat. Lelouch speaks again. 

“Can we go see the sunflowers tomorrow?” 

Suzaku cannot bring himself to move for a long, long time.

no.6 

He has to do more paperwork, to submit an official report. The cameras on the roof apparently don’t have audio. They ask him what he did to cause Lelouch to relapse again, and he gives a bland answer about it probably having to do with heightened emotions. He pens a formal apology. He thankfully does not have to talk to the Emperor, who surely must be getting tired of all this. He is assured that Lelouch no.6 will have no memory of what just happened. 

Nobody asks why he was on the roof in the first place. 

“Hey,” says Lelouch the next day, leaning over his desk. “Are you free tonight?” 

“Yeah, I think so,” says Suzaku, because at this point his life may as well revolve entirely around Lelouch. “Why?” 

“You’re coming over for dinner,” Lelouch says, with no room for argument. “You promised to make it up to me, remember?” 

It feels so strange, to have this Lelouch looking at him hopefully, like absolutely nothing happened. Suzaku wonders if it feels the same for him, the gaps in his memory. If the emptiness where something important used to be ever eats away at him, if he can feel it. Probably not. 

“I remember,” he says. 

And then everything goes back to how it was. Suzaku bothers Lelouch, and lets Lelouch bother him back, and fastidiously avoids the looks the rest of the Student Council keep shooting at them. He lets Lelouch cook him dinner, and makes easy conversation while drying the dishes. He stays until it’s dark out, and Lelouch has to give up on his explanation of different chess openings because he’s yawning too much. He doesn’t think about anything else, because it never happened. 

“Come over again,” Lelouch says, sleepily, leaning against the door. “I still have to explain how you use the knights.” 

He is doing a very, very good job of keeping Lelouch distracted. Lelouch will never notice the cameras, and lies, and the gaps in his memory, because Suzaku needs help with his homework, and then they have to chase down Arthur, who has run off with Rivalz’s brand new phone, and now Suzaku has somehow fallen asleep on Lelouch’s couch. 

Lelouch makes him dinner, again. 

Lelouch is distracted, and Suzaku manages to keep their conversations away from anything that might kill him, and life at Ashford goes on and on and on. Nothing ever happened, and nothing is going to happen. Once again, he puts away all the things he knows about Lelouch, and doesn’t think about them, and ignores the inevitable. He still knows he is a coward. He ignores that, too. Suzaku has always been good at not acknowledging the truth until it stares him in the face.

He really should not be surprised when Lelouch no.6 kisses him. 

It happens like this: 

Lelouch is skipping class, which means Suzaku is also skipping class. They’re sprawled out under a tree, enjoying the summer weather, which Lelouch had deemed too perfect to be wasted by sitting in a classroom. Suzaku had called him lazy, and then immediately flopped onto the ground and closed his eyes. Lelouch had kicked him and called him a hypocrite, which he hadn’t argued with. The weather is nice, and Lelouch is safely next to him. He dozes off.

When he opens his eyes again, Lelouch is leaning against the tree, reading a book. Lelouch is always reading a book, and it’s always something old and leatherbound that looks like it would bore Suzaku to sleep within five pages. He squints to see the cover: Iphigenia in Tauris , which might be one of the least pronounceable titles yet. Lelouch seems to be enjoying it though, given the fact that he looks approximately 5 degrees less bored than usual.

Once, very briefly, Suzaku had seen a portrait of Lelouch vi Britannia, painted shortly before he was sent to Japan. In it, Lelouch had been dressed in a suit and cape, chin propped in his hand, gazing coolly into the distance. Suzaku had been impressed by it, because despite his cape being slightly too big, and the fact that ten-year-old Lelouch had probably been supremely annoyed at having to sit for a portrait, the artist had managed to make him look dignified and regal. The Lelouch of right now is wearing a school uniform, and his bangs are falling in his face, but he somehow has that same royal posture. If he had to have another portrait painted, Suzaku thinks, if he had to pick a moment to freeze Lelouch forever, this would be a good time. 

Not that Lelouch will ever have a portrait painted of him again. Not that he deserves one.

Lelouch’s gaze flicks up from his book, “What?” 

“Nothing,” says Suzaku, still staring, because he can, “I was just wondering if you make yourself look that pretentious on purpose.” 

“What, because I’m reading?” Lelouch shuts his book and knocks it against Suzaku’s forehead. “That’s not pretentious. It wouldn’t kill you to use your head more often, yourself.” 

“I use my head enough,” says Suzaku. “I don’t think being a Knight of the Round requires much reading.” 

“It should require at least some awareness of culture. Do you even know who Lancelot is?” 

Suzaku blinks up at him. “Wait, Lloyd didn’t make him up?” 

Lelouch looks horrified, to Suzaku’s extreme gratification. “You cannot be serious.” 

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding! I promise, I know who Lancelot is.” 

“For the sake of my sanity, I won’t ask you to prove that,” says Lelouch. 

Suzaku laughs, and then there’s a moment where he thinks Lelouch is going to say something else, but he doesn’t. He opens his book again, but doesn’t look at it. Suzaku keeps staring. Lelouch doesn’t look at him either. 

Finally, Lelouch says, “Sometimes I feel like I’ve known you a really long time.” 

Suzaku swallows. This is suddenly dangerous territory. He cannot let Lelouch die again because he said something stupid. He looks away and up at the branches above him. “But you haven’t.” 

“Obviously I haven’t,” Lelouch says, sounding annoyed. Suzaku internally breathes a sigh of relief. “I just meant…I don’t know. I’m glad I met you, that’s all.” 

He risks a glance back over at Lelouch, whose face is turning ever-so-slightly red. He revises his earlier decision, about the best moment to freeze Lelouch’s likeness forever. “Me, too.” 

“What do you think it’d have been like, if we met as kids?” Lelouch still won’t look at him. 

“Don’t know. Milly told me you were an obnoxious little brat,” Suzaku says carefully. He feels like he’s walking on eggshells. What was the saying, again, about omelets? “So I’d probably have beaten you up.”

“Hey!” 

“But after that,” Lelouch no.6 is going to die, he realizes. Suzaku is going to kill him, right now, if he doesn’t stop talking. He can’t stop talking, “After that, we’d probably become really good friends. Best friends. And, then–” 

“Lelouch Lamperouge, I know you’re supposed to be in class right now! You, too, Kururugi!” Villetta is sprinting towards them at a truly frightening speed.

Both of them jump, and Lelouch starts scrambling to his feet, unaware that his life has just been saved, “You’ll have to catch us first, Coach!”  

Suzaku lets Lelouch tug him off the ground, and then they take off across the lawn, laughing. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he realizes this is completely absurd, as neither he nor Villetta should actually care whether or not Lelouch goes to class. Maybe both of them have gotten a bit confused. He does not stop running. Neither does Villetta.

He keeps his pace slowed to what he’s fairly certain is that of a normal highschooler, but Lelouch still starts lagging after about thirty seconds. He’s already panting as Villetta starts gaining on them. “Ah…Suzaku, I can’t…run…any faster…”

Suzaku, like a true friend, throws Lelouch over his shoulder without missing a beat and keeps running. Lelouch yelps indignantly as he attempts to process this, “W-wait, hey! Suzaku, what– no, left, turn left! We can lose her!” 

“Get back here, Kururugi!” Villetta, he decides, is way, way too dedicated to this. 

Luckily, Suzaku is inhumanly fast, and Lelouch weighs practically nothing, so he quickly outpaces her again. He follows Lelouch’s directions, carrying him through a maze of hallways and finally ducking into an empty classroom. He sets Lelouch down, carefully. They are very close together. His hands are on Lelouch’s waist. They are both breathing hard, even though Lelouch barely ran at all.

Lelouch is grinning, “I can’t believe you just picked me up. Exercise nut.” 

“Clearly you needed my help,” says Suzaku. “You’re telling me to use my head more when you can’t even run for a full minute.”

“Well, you needed my head,” argues Lelouch. “You’d never have lost her without me.” 

“I guess so,” now that the adrenaline is wearing off a bit, Suzaku realizes he has no idea what he’s doing. He should not be smiling like this with Lelouch. He should not be having fun. He should not be standing this close. This realization, like every other realization he’s ever had about Lelouch, comes too late.

“That’s what I was trying to say, before,” Lelouch says, quieter. Is he getting closer? Suzaku can’t tell. He feels dizzy.

“What?” He should have killed Lelouch when he had the chance, and every chance after that. 

“What I meant was,” Lelouch swallows. He has to be getting closer. Suzaku has not moved. “I feel like…” 

They are back at the edge of the inevitable. He can always feel it, this moment. No matter how many times they do this, Lelouch is always going to hurt him. And he is always going to hurt Lelouch back. 

“We can do anything together,” says Lelouch, and kisses him. 

Suzaku closes his eyes and holds Lelouch’s waist and does not kiss back. 

Lelouch pulls away, confused. “Sorry, I thought…” 

“No, it’s okay,” Suzaku lies, letting go of him. “It’s just, it’s probably not a good idea.” 

“Why not?” 

“I just,” He can do this. He can let Lelouch down gently, and they can go back to being friends, and Suzaku can keep doing his job. It doesn’t matter if he wants to kill Lelouch. It doesn’t matter if he wants to kiss Lelouch back. Lelouch is already dead. “I have a lot going on. With work. It’s complicated.” 

“Oh. Yeah,” Lelouch takes a step back. “I understand.” 

“Yeah.” 

“What if it wasn’t?” Lelouch blurts out, looking sideways at him. “Hypothetically, I mean. If it wasn’t complicated. Would you…” 

Suzaku takes a moment to consider a world where the situation isn’t complicated. Where Lelouch is real, and not Zero, and still loves him, and he deserves it. Then he puts that thought away, too. He can’t do this. 

“I have to go back to class,” he says. Lelouch doesn’t stop him. 

The next day, he’s called away to deal with a situation in Area 10. He spends a week blasting insurrectionists to pieces with the Lancelot and waiting to black out. At one point, he’s pinned down by a barrage, and he can barely hear Cecile’s panicked report through his comms, and his vision goes red as he pilots the Lancelot through the storm. He’s always been a great devicer, but now he presses switches and pushes buttons and steers his way out of the hail of bullets like something is guiding him. 

After, when it’s just him and the Lancelot, and the smoking remains of what used to be an enemy squadron, he realizes he remembers the entire thing. 

He goes back to school feeling, if not calmer, at least more numb. Lelouch barely looks at him. 

“Hey,” he says, catching Lelouch after class, “Sorry that I disappeared on you after, uh, you know. I had to work.” 

Lelouch’s expression is perfectly blank when he turns around, and Suzaku feels his stomach drop, because knows Lelouch Lamperouge is not this good of a liar. “What are you talking about?” 

no.7 

Lelouch no.7 does not remember the kiss, and in fact, does not seem to recall that he and Suzaku were ever friends beyond being in the same school club. There are no more dinner invitations, no more skipping class together. Instead, Lelouch goes back to constantly gambling. Rolo follows him everywhere like a shadow, neatly sliding into place at Lelouch’s side. Suzaku could almost swear he looks smug about it. 

He feels restless. Unsteady. He should be used to this. Their relationship has always been disjointed. They are always missing a step and starting over, like a terrible dance, but now he feels like he can’t get his balance back, like he’s slipping off the roof again. Something ugly twists in his stomach whenever Lelouch’s eyes pass over him. 

He should be doing something, he thinks. Something more than sitting still and saying hello when he happens to pass Lelouch in the hallways. He doesn’t know what. He doesn’t ask why Lelouch no.6 died. He doesn’t do anything. He goes to class, and brushes off Milly’s concerned questions, and wonders when C.C. is going to finally show up. He doesn’t miss Lelouch.

The feeling of falling never goes away. 

Falling for someone, he’d been told, was when you started to like someone. A lot. When you like liked someone, and wanted to be more than friends, and kiss, and stuff. 

This had not been a satisfactory explanation, because Suzaku fell all the time. He fell during training with Tohdoh (on accident, and he was still improving, Tohdoh said), and he fell while running down the hill too fast (on purpose, because rolling down was more fun anyway, and Lelouch would definitely be embarrassed if he was the only one on the ground), and he fell, sometimes, when he was pushed by older kids (but that was okay, too, because he got them to leave Nunnally and Lelouch alone). So he was pretty sure only some of those times had to do with liking people, and none of them had anything to do with like liking people, probably. 

“No, it’s just an expression,” said Lelouch, ten years old and exasperated, “It’s just how you say it. Nobody actually falls. It’s the same with saying you’re falling in love.” 

“So it’s like the eggs,” said Suzaku. “Right?” 

“Like what?” 

“The eggs,” he repeated, helplessly, “For the omelet.” 

“Oh!” said Lelouch, brightening. “Yes, it’s like the eggs, I guess. Like I said, it’s an expression.” 

This made only slightly more sense, Suzaku decided, and asked, “But why is it called falling?”

“Um…” 

“I think it’s supposed to mean how you feel,” Nunnally chimed in, making a valiant effort to save her brother from the great and terrible shame of not knowing something, “My mother told me that one day I’ll meet someone who can sweep me off my feet, and that’s who I should marry. So it must be called falling in love because the other person makes you feel like you’re falling.” 

“Don’t let anyone sweep you off your feet,” said Lelouch, looking mildly panicked. “That’s dangerous.” 

“I won’t until I’m older,” Nunnally giggled. Lelouch did not look reassured.

So apparently, true love was having someone who swept you off your feet and made you fall, just for them. Suzaku pondered the concept of meeting a person who made you feel like your legs had been knocked out from under you. It didn’t sound like a very nice feeling, but love was supposed to be nice. 

English, he decided, was dumb. 

“We’re missing decorations,” Milly announces, throwing up her hands. “How are we missing decorations?”

“Maybe we left some of them in storage?” Rivalz scratches his head, looking at the gratuitous number of cat themed banners they’ve already hung up. “How many more do we need, anyway?” 

“All of them! Every single one!” Milly says, “Nothing but the best for our very important mascot’s first birthday!” 

“It’s not actually her birthday, you know,” says Suzaku, from where he’s lying on the floor and trying to coax their very important mascot out from under the sofa. Arthur hisses at him. “I don’t even know how old she is.” 

“Doesn’t matter!” Milly throws a pair of costume cat ears at him. “She came to Ashford a year ago, so it’s her first birthday with us. And celebrating it is a mandatory council activity!” 

“Hey, that means Suzaku came to Ashford around a year ago, too,” Shirley looks up from where she’s drawing cat whiskers onto a struggling Lelouch. “Wait, when was your birthday?” 

“A while ago,” says Suzaku. His birthday had been the previous month, but had gone unnoticed by anyone except Nunnally. He’d let her go to voicemail, and hadn’t called her back. “I can go look for the rest of the decorations.” 

“Take Rolo with you,” says Milly, “I know we’re missing at least three more boxes.” 

Rolo looks up from his phone. Suzaku is fairly certain he’s spent the entire time trying to surreptitiously take photos of Lelouch in the cat costume. Clearly, he must have been at least semi-successful already, because he just blinks and says, “Sure thing, Madam President.” 

Suzaku gets up, Arthur swatting at his hand as he retracts it from under the couch. Rolo smiles at him unsettlingly. Lelouch doesn’t even look over. The floor feels like it’s tilting beneath him.

“Three more boxes?” says Rivalz as they leave, “I wish I got this much effort for my birthday.” 

He and Rolo are silent as they make their way into the storage room. Suzaku starts digging through boxes. Milly has a truly impressive number of costumes and decorations and memorabilia stockpiled back here. Rolo just stands there staring at him. 

“You could help me look, you know.” he says, after it becomes clear Rolo does not plan on moving. He checks a box, then puts it to the side. They definitely do not need the maid outfits today. Or, hopefully, ever again. 

“Why are you still here?” says Rolo, still not moving.

“What?”

“At Ashford. Why are you still here?” Rolo’s expression is perfectly neutral. “It doesn’t seem very necessary.” 

Suzaku puts another box away. “C.C. hasn’t shown up yet. Lelouch still needs to be kept secure.” 

“I know,” says Rolo. “But he’s had to be reprogrammed six times now. You don’t seem to be doing a very good job.” 

“You know I still outrank you, right?” says Suzaku, glaring. He is the Knight of Seven. He killed Lelouch for that title. He doesn’t have to answer to this kid. “You’re questioning a superior officer.” 

“My apologies,” says Rolo, blandly. “You don’t seem to be doing a very good job, my lord.” 

One year ago, Suzaku calmly reminds himself, he killed his best friend for a promotion. One month ago, his phone rang and he didn’t pick up. Last week, Rolo had spent an entire Student Council meeting absentmindedly opening and closing the locket on his cellphone, and Suzaku had sat there and had absolutely not thought about punching him in the face. All of this will be for nothing if he snaps and throttles Rolo right now. 

(Six months ago Lelouch said kill me and Suzaku said let’s go get Nunnally. ) 

“Those incidents were unfortunate,” He shoves another box back onto the shelf, perhaps slightly harder than necessary. Seriously, where are those damn cat costumes? “But I’m not sure what your issue is. I’ve been able to catch him before he can do any damage.” 

“I think you’ve gotten too close to him.” 

Suzaku’s eye twitches. “Being his friend makes it easier to keep tabs on him.”

“Oh, really?” Rolo says. “Is that why you kissed him?” 

He shoots to his feet, instantly forgetting all of the reasons why he should not grab Rolo and possibly also kill him, “I did no such thing. And he doesn’t remember that, so–” 

His hand clutches at the empty space where Rolo was just standing. He hates geass. So, so much. From behind him, he hears, “No, he doesn’t. Must not have been a very important memory.” 

Suzaku whips around, jaw clenched, “What is your problem ?” 

“I don’t care about your feelings,” Rolo says, still infuriatingly calm, “Our top priority is the completion of the mission. And I think you’re endangering it.” 

Suzaku feels more rage building inside him. He is one hundred percent certain this actually has nothing to do with the mission. Rolo is the one who has gotten too close to Lelouch. This is nothing new. The aggravating part is, looking into Rolo’s impassive eyes, he knows Rolo truly has no idea.

“The mission includes making sure he doesn’t regain his memories. As his friend, I can–” 

“He doesn’t need a friend,” Rolo interrupts. “He already has a little brother.” 

This time, Suzaku is quick enough to grab him by the collar, “ You’re not his brother. ” 

“Mission parameters state that I am.” 

“I don’t think you get it,” says Suzaku. “He doesn’t love you. He will never love you. He doesn’t care. And he already. Has. A sister.” 

The last part finally makes Rolo’s expression crack, “Shut up.” 

“You’re just a replacement for Nunnally,” He drags Rolo closer, “Because not even geass can fully erase Nunnally. That’s why he broke in Euro-Britannia. You think this is my fault? Maybe it’s because you’re not good enough.” 

“Shut up!” 

“No,” he shoves Rolo away, watching him stagger backwards and collapse on the floor. “You wanted to talk about the mission.” 

“It’s not my fault!” Rolo looks like he might cry, “I’m doing everything for the mission! I’m not like you! If they asked me to kill Lelouch, I’d do it!” 

“...Rolo?” someone says, and then suddenly Rolo is no longer on the floor. Suzaku turns around again. Rolo is pinning down a shocked Lelouch. “Rolo! What’s going on?” 

“J-just trust me, big brother! I’m sorry! Everything’s gonna be fine, I promise,” Rolo says frantically, trying to keep Lelouch restrained. He looks up at Suzaku, eyes glistening, “This is your fault!” 

It’s a little absurd, Suzaku thinks, that Lelouch Lamperouge no.7 is going to die wearing cat ears. 

Hi Suzaku! Happy birthday! I’m sorry I can’t be there to celebrate in person, but I hope you had lots of fun with everyone. They said it’s not appropriate for me to contact anyone from school, but say hi to them all from me, okay? And to Arthur, too! I hope she hasn’t been biting you as much. I told her to be extra nice to you, since you seemed a little down in Britannia. 

Um, anyway, I should be able to see you again soon! They’re going to make me the Viceroy, did you hear? I hope I do a good job. Let’s both do our best, okay? 

…I’m sure you’re busy celebrating, and with school and the Knights of the Round, but call me back soon, please! I miss you, and everyone. And, um, I don’t mean to bother you again, but have you heard anything from Lelou–

…

Are you sure you want to delete this message?

no.8

Lelouch no.8 seems even more restless than his predecessors. Suzaku wonders if somehow he, too, is starting to feel worn down by the endless cycle they seem to be trapped in. It is starting to feel as if high school, and Suzaku living, and Lelouch dying, is never, ever going to end. But this is ridiculous. It will. 

As soon as C.C. comes back, he reminds himself, trying to ignore the constant drum of Lelouch’s fingers against the desk. Lelouch is just bored, which is not his problem. Even if the constant restarting of their relationship and the tapping of Lelouch’s fingers during class is starting to drive him insane. As soon as C.C. comes back, they can finally stop. 

He and Rolo have gone back to acknowledging each other’s existence only when absolutely necessary. He and Lelouch have gone back to being friends, although not as close as before. They’ve been getting closer, though. It puts a pit in Suzaku’s stomach, because he doesn’t know how to stop it, doesn’t know how to make this end in a way that isn’t Lelouch’s death. Not encouraging Lelouch would probably be a good first step. 

“Hey,” he whispers, leaning over a little. Lelouch’s fingers instantly stop moving. “Do you know how to answer question six? I zoned out.” 

“You’re hopeless,” says Lelouch, smiling, and slides over his notebook so Suzaku can copy his work. 

The drumming doesn’t resume for the rest of class. 

Suzaku may feel like he’s stuck in high school forever, going around in circles, but the rest of his friends seem to be moving forward. Milly has finally decided to graduate. She’s officially promoted Rivalz to Student Council President, effective as soon as she’s finished causing as much chaos as possible, which apparently won’t be for a few weeks yet. Suzaku still doesn’t know what, exactly, her plan for her graduation celebration is, which means it’s probably terrifying. 

For now, though, she’s dragging them all to the mall. Shirley sniffles the entire train ride there. “It’s just not gonna be the same without you, Prez!” 

“Oh, you’ll all be fine,” says Milly, but her smile looks a little forced. “I put it off as long as I could, you know. I’ve had enough credits for months now.” 

“Lazy of you,” says Lelouch, staring out the window. Milly smacks him on the shoulder. 

“I don’t want to hear that from the guy too lazy to step up and take over the Student Council! You’re lucky Rivalz is more responsible than you.” 

“Yeah!” says Rivalz. “Did you even fill out your post-graduation plan, yet?” 

“I’m still thinking about it,” Lelouch says, fingers tapping his knee. “I’ll figure it out. Besides, what’s your plan for after graduation, Madam President? Still gonna marry that Earl?” 

“Ah, that didn’t really work out,” Milly waves a hand. “But I’m already signed with a talent agency, and KT-TV really liked me, so I’ll be giving the morning weather report as soon as I graduate!” 

There’s a beat as everyone turns to stare at her, and Shirley and Rivalz shriek in unison, “What?”

“You’re gonna be on TV?” asks Suzaku, “That’s pretty cool.” 

“I just found out a couple days ago,” Milly beams. “Thanks, guys!” 

Suzaku smiles as Shirley and Rivalz start bombarding Milly with questions, and tries to ignore the way his stomach twists. Lelouch has gone back to staring out the window and drumming his fingers. Suzaku wonders what he’ll end up doing in a few months, if the OSI will have to relocate to some office or university, if Lelouch will go live out a perfectly normal life, and never know that he died at age seventeen. That would be fine. Ideal, even. He wonders if he’ll have to stay friends with Lelouch after graduation. He wishes the train would arrive faster, so he won’t have to look at the window, or Lelouch’s restless hands, or Milly, with her whole future ahead of her. 

“I’ll watch the weather report every day,” Rivalz swears, as they finally arrive at their stop and start filing onto the platform. 

“Me, too!” Shirley says, flinging herself at Milly. “I’m gonna miss you so much!” 

“Aww, I know,” Milly says, her eyes watery, “But we’re going out to have fun today, okay? Come on, group hug! And then no more being sad!” 

Suzaku awkwardly lets himself be pulled in along with Rivalz and Lelouch, who reaches out and yanks an anxious-looking Rolo into their circle. Milly seems to be doing her best to wrap her arms around all five of them, squeezing tightly. They’re getting weird looks from other people on the platform.

“You’re gonna miss us even more, aren’t you?” says Lelouch, from where he’s squashed between Suzaku and Rolo. 

“You bet I am,” Milly squeezes them impossibly tighter. “But we all have to grow up, sometime.” 

Suzaku shuts his eyes. He’s happy for Milly. He’s going to miss her, he realizes. He’s going to miss this. He already misses this, because she’s right. They can’t stay like this forever. Suzaku doesn’t want to stay like this forever. Even if right now he has Lelouch pressed against him, and Rivalz’s hand on his shoulder, and Milly’s arms wrapped around his neck, that doesn’t change the fact that he’s already chosen to grow up. Right now, he’s just playing pretend until he can leave this behind for good. C.C. has been gone for nearly a year, but there’s no way she’d abandon Lelouch forever. Any day now, this will finally end. He and Lelouch will go their separate ways. And then he can stop thinking about it. 

“Okay,” says Milly a minute later, finally releasing them. She wipes her eyes. “Now , we can go have fun. GUTS!” 

He’s waiting in line at the food court, the group having split up to grab something to eat, when he feels someone tap him on the shoulder. He turns around. 

“I’m broke,” says C.C. as Suzaku gapes at her. “Can you spot me for a slice of pizza?” 

He can’t do this here. There’s too many bystanders, not to mention undercover OSI agents. Luckily, they should be focused on Lelouch, and not on him, so he grabs C.C. by the arm and drags her out of the food court and through the mall, until he finally finds an empty hallway. The storefront at the end of it is closed. He turns to face C.C. who had followed him without putting up a fight, but had whined about pizza the entire time. She’s wearing an oversize T-shirt and has her long hair pulled up into a ponytail under a baseball cap, but it’s definitely her. The witch. 

“What are you doing here?” he asks. 

“Getting pizza,” C.C. tilts her head. “I would’ve thought that was obvious.” 

“I have orders to bring you in. Using any means necessary.” 

“Oh? Why aren’t you, then?”

“I am,” Suzaku tightens his grip on her arm. This is it, finally, a way out. This is what he’s been waiting for. “As Knight of Seven, I–” 

“Really?” C.C. interrupts, looking incredibly unconcerned, “How heartless of you. You’re not at all like Lelouch kept describing.” 

“I have no idea what you mean,” If she thinks Suzaku is going to fall for such an obvious attempt to bait him, she’s wrong. She has no idea how many times he’s burned all his bridges to Lelouch. “I have no reason to protect you, not after what you’ve done.” 

“I wasn’t talking about me.” 

“What?” 

“Tell me, Suzaku Kururugi,” says C.C., slowly, as if trying to explain something to a very small and stupid child, “If you capture me, what’s going to happen to your poor little friend over there? Do you think Charles is just going to let him keep living like this, once he no longer serves a purpose? Or do you just not care?” 

“I don’t care about Lelouch,” Suzaku lies, because if he didn’t care about Lelouch he would’ve aimed for Zero’s heart and not his mask. If he didn’t care about Lelouch he would be focusing on moving up the ranks, instead of going to school. But even so, he’s always known how this is going to end. “If His Majesty gives him another identity it’s fine with me.” 

“I doubt he’d make the same mistake twice. I heard some very interesting news out of Euro-Britannia last year. It doesn’t sound like their top military advisor ended up being very useful, after all,” She smirks. “No, I think Charles will probably just kill him. Less of a liability. But of course, you don’t care. Lelouch must have been mistaken when he kept insisting you were friends.” 

“I’ve already killed Lelouch,” says Suzaku, but he feels like the floor is falling out from under him, again. He’s always known how this is going to end, and he’s always looked away. Lelouch can’t die unless Suzaku is the one to pull the trigger. Lelouch can’t die, because Lelouch is already dead. Lelouch can’t die, because neither can he. Lelouch can’t die.

C.C. looks at him with what might be pity. “Then who’s that I saw you shopping with? A ghost?” 

“Yes,” says Suzaku, but he doesn’t stop her when she pries his hand off her arm. 

“I just came to confirm that,” she says. “Thank you for keeping him alive. Let’s hope we don’t meet again.” 

Suzaku doesn’t watch her leave.

no.9

Of course, when something finally happens, it’s when he’s not there. Zero reappears, the Black Knights are freed, and all Suzaku can do is wait for OSI reports in between battles and know that this is his fault. He told himself he wouldn’t– couldn’t– make mistakes anymore. That he would do better, this time. He’s been so, so stupid. He couldn’t stay away, couldn’t kill Lelouch, couldn’t keep Lelouch alive. He thinks, at some point, he had a purpose. Now he can’t remember it, he can’t die, and he’s failing math class. 

The OSI says Lelouch’s behavior hasn’t changed, that he was at school when Zero broadcast his speech. There’s not enough evidence. Rolo has confirmed all Lelouch’s alibis. Suzaku knows better, but what can he do now? He has to kill Zero. He has to keep Lelouch alive. He calls Gino, figuring he can’t go wrong with more firepower. He almost calls Nunnally, then decides to save that as a last resort, because he is still a coward. He doesn’t call Lelouch. He takes out every enemy unit ruthlessly and efficiently. When they call him the White Death, do they know he feels like his suit is strangling him?

When he finally makes it back to school, he practically runs to the Student Council room, but stops short just outside. The door is open a crack, and he can hear Lelouch talking to someone. 

“You know, I feel like you’ve started being nicer to me,” he’s saying. “They do say animals can sense things people can’t…can you actually tell the difference? That could be pretty useful. Maybe I should steal you over to my s–ow! Okay, okay, nevermind. Of course you’d side with him. You actually like him, don’t you? Hmph. Fine.” 

Suzaku stays frozen outside the door.

“Still, we’ve got a lot in common, if you think about it,” Lelouch says slowly. “I guess that would make this my last chance.” 

If Suzaku lets Lelouch keep talking, he might get a confession, some evidence, any kind of sign that Zero is back. He opens the door. Lelouch freezes and looks up from his seat on the couch. He has his laptop balanced on one knee, and Arthur on the other. “Oh, hey, welcome back.” 

“Hey,” says Suzaku. “Were you talking to someone?” 

“Just your cat,” says Lelouch, as Arthur bats at the hand he has poised above her head, clearly trying to get him to return to petting her. “You really need to train her more, you know. I’ve been looking after her all week, and she just tried to bite my hand off.” 

“That’s just how she shows affection,” Suzaku holds out a hand to Arthur, who, predictably, snaps at it. “See? It’s cute.” 

“Only you would call that cute,” Lelouch rolls his eyes, but goes back to petting the cat. “Anyway, did you need something?” 

Suzaku studies him. Lelouch looks perfectly normal, perfectly relaxed. He’s no longer shifting in his seat, no longer tapping his fingers anxiously on the nearest available surface. He smiles at Suzaku easily. There’s absolutely no evidence that he’s Zero. If he was, Suzaku would know. He’s always known. He feels like he’s plummeting, now. It’s only a matter of time before he makes impact, before they hit that inevitable moment. He should kill Lelouch, or arrest him, or do something. Right now. 

“Nah,” Suzaku says, because he can never acknowledge the truth until it stares him in the face. “It’s nothing.”