Chapter Text
'A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, is this young man's birthday. Though it was thirteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name.
> Enter Shenanigans.
> Begrudgingly Try Again.
> Examine Room.
Your name is JOHN. As was previously mentioned it is your BIRTHDAY. A number of CAKES are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIES. You like to program computers but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for PARANORMAL LORE, and are an aspiring AMATEUR MAGICIAN. You also like to play GAMES sometimes.
What will you do?'
You adjusted your glasses slightly before bursting into a fit a vicious cackles. You grinned, a set of buck teeth clamped down on your lower lip to hold back the ceaseless laughter that would surely ensue if you were to open your mouth even just a tiny bit.
Now YOUR name was JOHN EGBERT, it was YOUR BIRTHDAY today, and YOU sure had a variety of INTERESTS. None of which included reading shitty webcomics, though, so you to immediately exited out of your browser. Homestuck. What a stupid name for a boring comic. Come on, what kind of comic doesn't even let you perform your oh-so famous prankful shenaniganical shenanigans? A terrible one, that's for sure.
You snickered again, heading towards the window with a grin. It was the middle of the night, everything perfectly pitch black and still. You could see your reflection in the glass, staring back at you with hilariously slitted eyes. You had to put so much effort into keeping your laughs at bay that your face was often contorted in weird ways. You sniggered at your genius rhyme before continuing the staring contest which had developed between you and yourself.
Your fearsome and able opponent was a young man who looked exactly like you! He had wonderfully dyed blonde hair that had been combed into a messy yet strangely uniform style and annoyingly square, black glasses. You and you lanky body was dressed head to toe in a combination of pink and blue. Your shirt, which was decorated by a sort of... Interesting pink worm and your dark blue shorts made way for a pair of sparkly, salmon colored shoes laced up with cerulean fabric strips. On the side of your head, you'd placed a rather comically large lollipop just because it was physically possible.
After all, that's the only motivation you need to do something. It's why you covered the kitchen floor with butter when you knew your father would be baking. It's also why you put ipecac syrup in his milk and filled his favorite harlequin with firecrackers. You had laughed for hours when you saw the expression on his face after he went flying into the refrigerator. Not to mention he'd broken his arm which made it a billion times more hilarious.
You were currently attempting to squeeze a few bucks out of your friends for a screening of the officially viral video clip. Dave had thrown twenty dollars at you without even thinking about it, Rose had spent two hours using her seasoned expertise on whining in an attempt to manipulate YOU of all people, and Jade had snapped at you for trying to solicit money from her.
They were the three worst friends anyone could ever have, but that was sort of okay with you. Those kids sure did make you laugh, though, that being the only important part of any relationship. You cracked your neck after a moment of thought. The loud and rather obnoxious sound of Pesterchum messages flooding your server could only mean one thing.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:13 --
TG: john
TG: joooooooohn
TG: JOOOOOOOOOOOOOHN
TG: john
TG: john john john JOHN
TG: why don't you love my anymore john
TG: did i hurt my john by making too many sick rhymes
TG: is my john all alone on his birthday
TG: IS MY JOHN DEAD
EB: hey turntechDickhead.
EB: haha! see what i did there?
TG: my beautiful john has finally returned i almost cried when you ignored like that
TG: you are a stone cold man john
TG: STONE COLD.
TG: like me B)
EB: any particular reason you're deciding to waste my time?
EB: heehehehe
EB: run out of cock to suck?
TG: very funny john
TG: but you oughtta watch who you make cry
TG: some of them never forget
EB: davey jones, you know i'll always love you! after all, you found our amateur science wizard!
EB: i thought you were too much of an emotion filled prick sack to pull through
EB: but i was wrong!
TG: DAMN STRAIGHT
TG: so what birthday loot has filled your stocking B)
EB: dave it isn't chistmas
TG: i know
TG: but i can't make a good birthday sex euphemism
TG: give me a minute
TG: has anyone given you a giant, veiny birthday package yet
TG: there we go now thats a euphemism
EB: dave you glorious bastard
EB: i'm not getting any presents this year because of that delicious piece of choice prank meat i showed you the other day
TG: GAY.
EB: i've got a few prime scare-tactics to make sure that dad the nocturnal pulls through
EB: anyone who thinks they can just rip my special day away from me is gravely mistaken
EB: eheheheh
EB: hahahahahaha
EB: hahahahahahaHAHAHAHA
EB: HEHEHEHEHEHEE
EB: PFTBWAHAHAHAHA
EB: HOOHEEHOOHEEHAA
EB: TEHEHEHEHEHEHEEE
TG: BWAAAAHAHAHAHA
TG: EEHEEHEEHEEHEEH
TG: HOHOHOHOHOHOHO
TG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
TG: this is killing my sides but oh my god you are gonna destroy him again arent you
TG: I JUST CANT FUCKING WAIT
TG: HES GOING TO GET SO KILLED I JUST
TG: I JUST
EB: IM going TO waste THAT son OF a BITCH.
EB: HE won't EVEN know WHAT'S happening!
EB: ITS just SO goddamn FUNNY dave!
EB: I think IM dying OF laughter!
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:23 --
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 12:30 --
TG: i can finally breathe again
TG: jesus christ was that hilarious
EB: dad the nocturnal pulled his shit together and got me my poster.
TG: im so proud of you, my sweet john
TG: did my sweetest johnny get the beta yet
EB: fuck if i know, haven't checked the mail in weeks.
TG: but joooooooohn
TG: i want to play with you B)
TG: i just want to play with my john all day long B)
EB: John means penis, Dave.
TG: what really
EB: no, but now dave means idiot.
TG: that cuts deep, john
TG: CUTS LIKE A SHARP ASS KNIFE
TG: YOURE GONNA MAKE ME CRY
EB: oh shut up, davey jones.
EB: i'll see if i can't get my ass down to the mailbox.
TG: B) you always know just what to say
TG: you make me smile john
TG: anyhow
TG: NS should have sent them to ya
EB: our amateur scientist better have helped us out with this shit.
TG: of course she did
TG: shes magnificent
EB: you think every female is magnificent.
EB: even the dead ones.
TG: not true john
TG: i dont like four year olds
EB: but if a six year old slips a nip all bets are off, right?
TG: only if that six year old is as legendarily magnificent as my sweet lover
TG: oh NS youre the only letters ill ever capitalize
EB: you literally just said that about GG yesterday.
TG: dont be so bitter
TG: you should get that taste out of your mouth
TG: im sweeter than candy
TG: why not suck on me
EB: wait, you have a penis?
EB: i thought you had a pussy because you're such a little bitch
EB: :)
TG: i do love you john
TG: you make me laugh
TG: now go check your mail sourpuss
TG: davey jones
TG: out B)
-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 12:57 --