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Shinji blinks his eyes open to a dark room, lit up only by a dim lamp in the corner and the softly glowing moonlight making its way down to his window. It takes him a brief moment to adjust, eyes getting used to sight again after so long of keeping them closed, as he sits up, pushing his blanket away. The repetitive beats of the music playing through his SDAT are interrupted by the incessant ringing of the apartment doorbell, jarring him out of whatever tentative sleep he was trying to achieve.
The doorbell stops only a moment later, but that’s enough for him to investigate. Quietly, Shinji exits his room, taking care to not walk too loud. It’s probably a futile attempt at keeping everyone else asleep, given Misato and Asuka were probably woken by the ringing, but he doesn’t want to annoy them further. When Shinji reaches the front door, he peers through the small window in the middle.
Who was doing this, anyway? Surely it wasn’t Misato- Shinji pictures an image of a drunk Misato ringing the doorbell frantically after losing her keys, but immediately dispels the idea. She seemed perfectly sober earlier. Asuka wouldn’t be caught dead stooping so low, and he doubts Rei has any reason for visiting so late. In fact, nobody does, and even if they did, they could always call Shinji instead of risking waking up everybody. Confused and slightly curious, he peers through the window.
Kaworu-kun? Shinji would gasp in surprise if he wasn’t so unsure about how to feel.
He’d been so strange recently- well, Kaworu always was, to be fair- but he wasn’t sure the other boy had any interest in him anymore, given what happened at the lake, and with the rumor Asuka spread… it was even less likely. The mere thought of what Asuka could’ve said to the class, to Toji and Kensuke, even to Kaworu himself, makes part of his chest constrict painfully, so he tries to fight the thought away. He can’t get distracted- he’s going to open the door.
Shinji pulls it open and immediately a gust of cold air hits him, almost violently. He tries not to recoil and instead puts his attention on the boy in front of him. Kaworu’s dressed in his usual school uniform, an unreadable expression, and eyebrows furrowed. One of his arms is crossed behind his back, and his other hand clutches a mix of papers, pages uneven. When Shinji raises his eyes to the other’s face, his eyes meet Kaworu’s, and he finds himself unable to move them away. All attempts at saying anything die in Shinji’s throat, because what does he even say? This is less than ideal situation, not to mention how late it is. Not to mention their sort-of argument.
It feels like an eternity before Kaworu speaks. “Good evening, Shinji-kun.” Kaworu says, voice level. He smiles softly. “You missed school today, so I came to check in on you. I brought your papers.”
Ah. That was it. Kaworu just came over to drop off Shinji’s missed assignments, didn’t he? It wasn’t like checking up on Shinji was the main reason, given the hatred Kaworu probably felt for him. It was a hard pill to swallow yesterday, after the two of them spent the entire school day avoiding each other’s presence, but to see the evidence right in front of him, sporting a soft grin and painfully striking eyes… Shinji feels a stab of something dig deep into his stomach, and it isn’t pleasant.
Yet for some reason, he can’t muster anything angry. “Sorry.”
“No need to apologize, it was really no problem.” Kaworu is still smiling. “It’s a pleasant night.”
As Kaworu speaks, another gust of chilly air flows through the entrance of the front hallway, ruffling Kaworu’s hair more than usual and sending goosebumps down Shinji’s arm. It hits him, then, that he’s been standing awkwardly with the door open for a full minute while leaving Kaworu to shiver in the cold… and while most likely lowering the temperature of the apartment by several degrees. He coughs. “Sorry- do you, um, want to come in?”
“That would be nice.”
“Okay.” Shinji moves to the side to let Kaworu inside, then closes and locks the door. Relievingly, the temperature indoors doesn’t seem to have lowered by that much. Kaworu doesn’t even seem to perturbed by the outside weather, so he should be good. That being said, even after everything, Shinji can’t shake the feeling that he should be guilty for doing… whatever that was. And the argument. Did Kaworu want to talk about it? Or would he avoid it?
He lowers his eyes as Kaworu drops the stack of missed assignments in the living room, trying to think of something to say. Should he forget about it? Should he apologize? Hell, what should he apologize for? For leaving Kaworu in the dark cold for a minute, or for- or for crying at the lake? Was that even something he should bring up? Was now the right time, or was there even a right time, and did Kaworu even want to discuss it? What should-
“Shinji-kun.” Kaworu says from beside him, having reappeared. “Shinji-kun…” His voice is still calm, albeit laced with a tone of slight worry. Shinji looks up from the floor-
-and comes face to face with Kaworu, once again, except this time he’s holding both arms out, a large bouquet of multicolored flowers held delicately between his palms.
Shinji blinks. And blinks again. Is this really- is this- he shouldn’t jump to conclusions, much less conclusions that could mean so much, but admittedly the first thing he thinks is He really got this for me? and Shinji has to fight back blushing but he’s pretty sure none of his attempts at hiding the heat behind his cheeks are working. He’s… completely taken aback, at a loss for words.
Noticing Shinji’s lack of response, Kaworu gives him a supportive glance. “For you.”
Shinji’s definitely blushing now. He tries to say something but all that comes out is a quiet “Uh…”.
Kaworu continues, bringing his face closer to the flowers, eyes glancing over each one as he describes them. “Hesperis because we always seem to have our deepest conversations in the evenings. Blue irises for hope, which is a feeling you never cease to give me. Bluebell, for kindness, which you’ve shown me in spades… and purple hyacinth, for forgiveness.”
“...Although, of course, you can interpret them any way you like. That’s the beauty of flowers,” Kaworu laughs. His eyes lift to meet Shinji’s once more, and he brings the bouquet closer to Shinji’s chest. “For you,” he repeats.
Slowly and tentatively, Shinji reaches out and takes the bouquet. He feels as if all the air has been knocked clean out of his lungs, and that if he makes eye contact with Kaworu again he may say something he’ll regret, so he keeps his gaze trained on the flowers in his hand.
They truly are a mix, and all of the choices seem to be equally spread apart, equally proportioned. Blue and purple colors take the stage, and Shinji wonders idly if Kaworu somehow found out those were his favorite colors, too. He isn’t complaining, though, not when they look so good together, a perfect combination. To think that Kaworu put so much thought into this… the way it makes Shinji feel so happy all of a sudden isn’t an emotion he wants to explore. He’s can’t remember the last time he’s been given a gift, much less a gift like this, and by a guy...
“Thank you.” Shinji whispers. He’s not sure he can maintain a consistent, steady voice with all of this, so he keeps his words quiet. “It… means a lot. I, um, didn’t know you knew this much about flowers…”
“I’m glad.” Kaworu replies, inflection hinting at slight amusement. “As for that… I have my ways.”
That’s mildly ominous, Shinji thinks to himself, all negative emotions dispelled, and he finally glances up, making eye contact with Kaworu. Kaworu’s eyes, even in the darkness of the apartment, seem to shine with light, the red hue somehow emphasized. Shinji’s never taken the time to really study them, but for some reason, he is now, and… pretty is the embarrassing descriptor he comes up with.
Just as quickly as Shinji looks down, he looks away; he's never been good with eye contact, and the knowledge that he thought Kaworu's eyes were pretty made him feel a bit uncomfortable. That wasn't the straightest thing he's done and combined with the fact Kaworu gave him a bouquet of flowers... he was practically proving Asuka's theory true, and it hasn't even been 48 hours since she made that hypothesis.
But maybe, just for tonight, this is okay. He shakes the thought of it out of his mind.
Shinji pauses. "Um... I'll see if I have a vase or a pot to put this in... do you want to come with?"
He finishes the question a bit hesitantly. One half of him feels as though he'd much rather stay with Kaworu a bit longer, even for a few minutes... and the other half couldn't wait for Kaworu to leave. His presence was welcome, but somehow also made Shinji feel nervous, the same way he felt when he saw Rei smile at him for the first time, the same way he felt when Asuka showed that once-in-a-while vulnerability.
And what if Kaworu said no? Then he'd look pathetic for even trying. Even if Kaworu didn't already think low of him, he would then. And after Kaworu went to the trouble to get him the flowers... it would be a huge disappointment for Kaworu, or even worse, to see Shinji acting so desperate. And that's at the very best. For all he knew, he could've already bombed it.
"Sounds good." Kaworu says, taking Shinji's hand. "I'll come with, so feel free to show me the way." His smile reaches those pretty eyes. "As long as you're comfortable with it."
"Okay." Shinji breathes. This is fine. This is okay.
Kaworu's palm feels comfortable in Shinji's. It's the arm, he notices a moment later with a slight jolt, whose wrist is layered with scars. It doesn't surprise him as much as it did the first time, especially now that Kaworu's reapplied his bandages, but the knowledge that Kaworu did this once makes his stomach turn uncomfortably. A part of him wants to say something, but what would he even say?
Shinji settles for gently massaging the back of Kaworu's hand. He tells the voice in his head to shut up about how gay it is because all he wants to do right now is enjoy his time with Kaworu, and Kaworu's looking at him with, a genuine, sincerely happy expression and he wants that expression there for as long as possible.
Despite being comfortable, Kaworu's hand isn't all that warm. In fact, Shinji would describe it as cold, and he's not sure if that's just how Kaworu is or if that's because he spent a few minutes outside. Shinji has a feeling that out of the two of them, he has warmer hands, and he's not quite sure how to feel about that; he hopes Kaworu doesn't mind. He will say, though, regardless, that Kaworu's hand seems almost a perfect fit for Shinji's. Soft, around the same size, with fingers that curl over his own in an oddly pleasing way.
He only spends a minute or two looking for something to put the flowers in. Sadly, Shinji's attempt at finding a secure vase in the living room fails. One look at the kitchen and he knows there's not going to be anything there, and while it's possible that Misato and Asuka have one he's definitely not going to ask them. Resisting the urge to let out a self-pitying sigh, he tugs Kaworu along to his bedroom. At the very least, he can leave the flowers on his desk and buy a container for them later.
He quickly, though still delicately, puts the flowers on his table. Shinji has to sweep a ton of papers aside to do so, a task which he tries to hurry with. The last thing he wants is to make Kaworu uncomfortable, or bored, or even disgusted with how Shinji puts his stuff away... though he will admit that's not something that he can imagine Kaworu thinking, considering he's been so unapologetically gentle for nearly the entire time they've known each other. Kaworu watches silently from the side, having let go of Shinji's hand for the moment. He probably doesn't want to intrude. After all, Kaworu hasn't exactly been in his room before-
Oh, right. He hasn't. All of a sudden Shinji feels quite a bit more self-conscious about the state the room's in.
"You can sit down if you like," he says, trying to make Kaworu feel more welcome.
"Thank you," the other boy replies, making himself comfortable on Shinji's bed. Oddly enough, that doesn't really bother him as much as he would've thought. "You play cello, Shinji-kun?"
"Uh, yeah." Shinji finds himself blushing at... being recognized? Wow, he really is pathetic. "I'm pretty rusty, though..." His cello hadn't been touched since... he can't even remember, but it's definitely collecting dust in the corner.
"Oh, really? I play the piano." Kaworu responds, closing his eyes and leaning back against the pillows. Once more, Shinji's struck by the knowledge he doesn't mind Kaworu doing this. Especially if he's tired... "What a coincidence."
Shinji watches as Kaworu opens his eyes again. Something was so... strangely mesmerizing about that. "Oh, um... for some reason... I'm not surprised." He blinks. "N-Not in a bad way! Piano just seems like a, uh... very Kaworu-type instrument."
Kaworu doesn't reply, instead choosing to wait for Shinji to finish speaking. Shinji flushes.
"Like, uh... you're just so, um, naturally... mag...nificent…?" He continues, and then flushes more. That sounds way more... first of all, romantic than he intended, and he hurries to correct himself. "N-Not like that! Well, yes like that, but that doesn't sound quite right. I mean... you're all, rich vocabulary, philosophical quotes, and stuff, you know? And piano's just as fancy and, uh, put together as you..."
Shinji trails off.
"...Do you know what I mean?"
Kaworu grins. Then laughs. It's not something Shinji's ever heard before, not this lively, and it makes his chest constrict. But not in a bad way, he notices. He feels pleased. "You know me so well." Kaworu interrupts Shinji's train of thought, sounding satisfied. "I am quite flattered you think so positively of me, Shinji-kun. If you were anybody else, I'd have assumed you'd be mad at me for what happened at the beach."
Shinji swallows. "Well, um... that was mostly my fault, so..."
Kaworu raises his eyebrows. "Why do you say that?"
"Well, uh... I worried you by... making a big deal out of it, didn't I?" Shinji says. Admitting his mistake stung. "When I... cried about drowning to you... and told you how you made me feel nervous... and everything, it scared you, and you left because you were afraid of causing more harm." He frowns, looking down at the floor. "Right?"
"That wasn't your fault, you know." Kaworu closes his eyes again. "It was mine for handling it so poorly. Do you know why I gave you those flowers?"
"Um." Shinji has a lot of ideas, and half of them were too... far-fetched to ask about. "Why?"
"Because I was apologizing to you, Shinji-kun." There's an air of sadness around Kaworu, one Shinji does not feel happy seeing. Kaworu's sadness is something that feels distinctly off, something alien, something Shinji wants to prevent. "For not handling it well, and for running off. I don't want to do something so... out of control again, much less when it hurts you."
This was far more consideration than Shinji is used to getting. "...It's, um, okay." And from Kaworu, no less... "That's in the past, you know? I think I forgave you... the moment you stepped through the door, haha."
Kaworu looks up at Shinji, who finds himself wandering back to the bed and sitting down. It's not exactly big, so Shinji finds himself almost leaning against Kaworu on the mattress. Shinji's heart beats stronger than before. He swallows, trying to ignore all the new, worryingly-homosexual thoughts he's having. It's not easy.
"Really?" Kaworu asks.
"Really." Some part of him prompts Shinji to bump his palm against Kaworu's. He glances up, meeting Kaworu's gaze. "I mean, you got me an entire bouquet! All you had to do was say sorry for me to forgive you, but you really tried. Hell, you didn't have to. I thought it was all... my fault." He finds himself grinning before he can stop it. "That's... really thoughtful of you, Kaworu-kun."
Kaworu takes Shinji's hand, squeezing it gently. "You're very kind. Every time I think you've done the nicest thing you could, you go and do something better." He laughs quietly. "Even after all your struggles, after all you've been through, you're still kind. Your resilient attitude... the caring you possess, it's very nice. It's one of the things I like about you, Shinji-kun."
Shinji blinks. That was... a big statement Kaworu made. He's once again hyper-aware of how Kaworu's hand feels in his, how his face is so close... his heart beats. "I'm not really sure that's... really kind of me, though... I'm just doing what's right, you know? I don't want to hurt anyone."
"Just accept the compliment, Shinji-kun." Kaworu replies. "Your kindness is a gift." Kaworu squeezes Shinji's palm lightly, a bit of pressure to emphasize his words. As if urging Shinji to understand just how much Kaworu appreciates him, how much those statements mean.
Shinji squeezes his hand back, unable to think of a proper response. He wants to thank Kaworu, he wants to let Kaworu know that his words mean importance to him too, he wants to... Shinji's gaze falls, idly, to his lips. He doesn't even register, for a moment, what he's thinking. What his uncooperative mind wishes for him to do. Kaworu's lips are so pretty under the moonlight...
The knowledge of the current time takes control of his brain, and for that, he's thankful. "It's very late!" Shinji exclaims, flushing. And then, unable to stop himself- "If it's not too much of a problem... I mean, since it's dark and cold out... do you want to, um, stay here? For the rest of the night? Like... a sleepover?"
There's a silence after Shinji's words fill the room. It's likely only a few seconds, a miniscule few moments in the long term. Yet he feels as if it lasts too long, like the suspense of his question is too much to bear. Then Kaworu responds, and those unimportant worries are shaken away. "I would love to."
Shinji almost breathes a sigh of relief. The idea of Kaworu declining seemed oddly daunting a few seconds ago, but now that he agreed, his emotions have steadied. "Okay. Awesome." He grins again. He's happy, Shinji realizes. Truly happy about this. "Are you going to... change out of your school uniform, or..."
"Well, I'd like to, but alas, this is the only outfit I own."
That... reminds him, in an odd comparison, of Rei. As far as he knows, she has no clothing besides her uniform. Perhaps Kaworu is the same way. "You can borrow some of mine...?" Shinji suggests, a tinge of curiosity poking through his tone. He does wonder how Kaworu would look wearing something more casual... "I've got some stuff in my closet."
Kaworu smiles, squeezing Shinji's hand again. "Alright, if you insist. I'll be back."
Kaworu's only gone for a brief minute, having left to change in the bathroom. Shinji takes the time to set up their bed, trying to not make it as uncomfortable as it usually is. Typically, his bed is far from put-together. His pillows are almost never aligned properly, the sheets always partially falling off the side, and he's lucky if the blanket resembles anything like a neat, even rectangular shape. When he's done, he's oddly proud of his work. Maybe he should make his bed more often.
"Shinji-kun." Kaworu's voice calls from behind him. Shinji jumps slightly, watching as Kaworu leans back into the bed next to him. His breath catches in his throat.
It's not like the outfit Kaworu's sporting is particularly attractive on its own, but Kaworu makes it look good, he thinks. Really, all he's wearing is an orange t-shirt- one Shinji recognizes as being Kaworu's own, usually layered underneath his school button-up- and plain black shorts. His bandages are absent, Shinji notes, and feels weirdly glad that Kaworu trusts him enough for that.
Yet, despite the generally normal, ordinary outfit, Shinji likes the way Kaworu looks wearing it. Perhaps it's the way the moonlight still falls against his figure, perhaps it's the way Kaworu smiles down at him so perfectly that makes all of him beautiful by proxy.
Shinji's heart flutters. Maybe there is meaning behind his bordering-gay behavior, because... "You should wear casual clothes more often, Kaworu-kun..."
"Hmm... well then, how about we go shopping sometime? You can pick out clothes for me."
Shinji relaxes back into the pillow, gazing up at Kaworu. He wants to make plans with him? He can hardly believe it. The idea makes him strangely excited, almost as if he can't wait to hang out with Kaworu. As if they're not doing that already. "You'd really want to? That's... a lot of work. It may impede with piloting time, you know?"
"I have no qualms with that." Kaworu leans over, a movement which doesn't escape Shinji's notice. He tenses up for a brief moment when he feels Kaworu's palm slide through his hair gently; it's pleasant. "As long as you're willing, I will follow you anywhere. Anywhere you want to go."
Shinji closes his eyes, almost pressing his head into Kaworu's palm. The repetitive, rhythmic motions of Kaworu's soft fingers through his hair, against his forehead... he can't remember the last time he's felt so comforted by someone else's thoughtful touch. "Okay. Let's go shopping. Maybe... tomorrow... or the day after that..." He takes a deep breath. The late time seems to be getting to him. "You'd really... go anywhere... with me?"
"Of course." Kaworu responds, palm steady in Shinji's hair. "You make me feel like... life is worth living, you know that, Shinji-kun? You've proven that to me with your existence." He pauses for a moment, as if collecting his thoughts. Shinji's heart beats. "I love you, Shinji-kun."
Shinji's voice dies in his throat. Staring up into Kaworu's eyes as he speaks those words, strikingly ruby-red and capturing his essence perfectly. His eyelashes perfectly long, his smile perfectly beautiful. Genuine happiness, genuine pride, genuine love for Shinji... how does he even react to that? How can he believe that someone would truly love him? After how many mistakes he's made, after how many horrible things he's done? And Kaworu- Kaworu loves him? Even after all of that?
Shinji's vision is blurry before he can even ponder about why. He feels pathetic, so infinitely pathetic, because Kaworu loves him? How could he dare ask for the love of someone so beautiful, body and soul, as Kaworu? He's awful. He doesn't deserve that kind of attention. Yet his heart rises at the thought, beats faster at the idea of Kaworu really, truly loving him. "You really- really do?" He chokes out. It's suddenly much more difficult to form proper phrases. "You... you... love me...?"
"I... oh dear, please don't fret over this." Kaworu's voice tinges on worry as he lifts Shinji's face up, finger leaving his hair to brush over his cheek instead. "I mean it, Shinji-kun. I really do love you. I don't dare ask for that love reciprocated. But I want you to know."
"N-no, it's not- I don't mind." Shinji blurts out, unable to stop himself from speaking. Perhaps it is better, that through his sleep-deprived, emotional state, he is able to say what he really means. "It- It is reciprocated, Kaworu-kun. I-I think, I love you too."
Kaworu's gaze meets Shinji's, lips parted in surprise.
"I mean it, really!" Shinji can hardly stop the words now that they've begun to flow out of his mouth. "I mean, since I've met you, I've felt this... urge to just be with you, you know? You make me nervous, nervous when I'm with you and nervous when I'm without you, like I just can't get enough of your presence..." He swallows. "I-I can't remember the last time somebody cared like you do. You make me so happy, Kaworu-kun. So secure, like you're not going to judge me, even when I'm being immature or rude or..." He closes his eyes. "I really do love you."
Kaworu blinks. There's an imperceptible emotion clouding his face for a moment, and then, while Shinji scrambles to find adequate words, he moves forward.
Kaworu wraps his arms around Shinji, holding him closer. Shinji inhales suddenly, surprised, but eagerly holds Kaworu back with just as much energy. Kaworu's skin is cold, as cold as a half hour ago when Kaworu gave Shinji those flowers, but his body is comfortably warm. Almost as if it was made perfectly for Shinji to hug, made for Shinji to care for. His fist curls into the back of Kaworu's bright-orange shirt, as if anchoring him.
"You're perfect." Shinji continues. He wants to praise Kaworu. He wants Kaworu to understand how much this means to him. "W-Well, you're not perfect, but... your imperfections make you more perfect, you know? All the parts of you that are unhappy, or sad, or... the parts of you that made you leave a few nights ago, at the lake... I want to learn about them. I want to make you feel better." He takes a deep breath. "You know... Kaworu-kun... you make me feel better, too. You make me feel like I'm somebody worth caring for. You're the... the first person to ever do that."
Kaworu's hand resumes its cyclic motions through Shinji's hair, this time centering on the back of his head. He shudders underneath Kaworu's palm, not quite used to the feeling but definitely finding it comforting. Shinji swallows again, closing his eyes. "I never realized how much I loved you until now. I never realized how much I needed someone like you... until I met you."
"Never realizing you're lonely until somebody shows you what it means to truly want someone... to want their affection." Kaworu speaks up, voice quiet and carefully controlled, breath ghosting over Shinji's ear. If he were to guess, he's say Kaworu's feeling emotional. Which emotions those are, though... "I understand what you mean, Shinji-kun. All too well." Shinji can hear Kaworu sigh, feels him shift slightly against the mattress. "My time at SEELE was... ah, I won't go into it. Maybe for another time. But... it wouldn't be a lie to say you're the first person that has tried to give me a chance."
Shinji listens, quietly, as Kaworu continues. "I appreciate that. It helped me understand that humanity is worth saving. Because there are people like you. I didn't know there could be someone so naturally good, I didn't know there was somebody like you out there." Kaworu lets out a quiet, small yawn, but his voice trembles. "I believed I did not need anybody. I believed that the human race was not worth saving. You changed those things, just by being yourself and trying your best, Shinji-kun."
Shinji breathes in and out, slowly. He can hardly believe Kaworu's words are real, honest, genuine. He would assume this is a dream if not for the steady fingers in his hair or the warmth of the person holding him. But it's not unpleasant. In fact, he thinks today might just be the happiest day of his life.
"I love you." The words should feel alien. Shinji's not sure he's said them at all, much less this often, since his mother left his world. Yet he wants to tell them to Kaworu, again and again and... "I love you so much. I'm glad I could be for you there, and... I want to be here for you now. For... the future, too."
Kaworu lets out a quiet, small laugh. "I love you too, Shinji-kun." His other hand massages Shinji's back, slowly and carefully, delicately as if he doesn't want to hurt him. Shinji just wants to collapse into Kaworu and hold him forever. "Get some rest, okay? We'll face the next day together, shall we?"
Shinji nods. "Mm, if you say so..." His breath, once choked-up through tears and gasps, is now calm. His heart feels much less frantic, a nice, repetitive feeling- calm. The whole atmosphere, the setting around him does- there's no cold thanks to Kaworu's body keeping him secure from rogue wind, there's no uncomfortable mattress trying its hardest to make his sleep his worst, since Kaworu's mostly taken that place.
Kaworu's taken that place. His soft, smooth hand on his back, his soft, delicate palm carding its way through strands of hair. Kaworu's breathing, quiet and steady and respectively, lightly against his ear. The feeling of Kaworu's heartbeat, the way his chest moves up and down rhythmically, the mildly ticklish feeling of the ends of Kaworu's gray hair brushing against Shinji's forehead. It's nice. It's... comfortable. It's right. It feels like it was meant to be, Shinji thinks, even as consciousness fades from him. He was meant to be here. He was meant for Kaworu's arms.
Maybe he'll still have to fight the last angel. Maybe he'll still have to confront Asuka for spreading that rumor. Maybe he'll have to deal with Misato and her alcoholism, maybe he'll have to deal with whatever Rei's going through... but it doesn't seem daunting. Not anymore. Because, for the first time in his life, Shinji feels safe.
The world isn't going to crash down on him. It's not going to end suddenly, with the violent act of a hostile angel or by his own hands, mistakenly triggering an N2 mine when he didn't mean to. He feels... almost confident, that everything will be okay. Because he has the power to make it okay. And if he does mess up... Kaworu will be there. Kaworu will be there for him, no matter what mistakes he makes. No matter what problems he accidentally creates. He'll be there to help solve them, won't he?
It'll be fine.
(And if this woke Asuka or Misato up, well, they'd deal with that in the morning. Shinji, for once, doesn't find himself bothered.)