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Rei is tucking in to the first batch of pancakes by the time Kazuki even starts on his own portion. He’s learned to take it as a compliment that Rei never waits for him before eating. He’s usually halfway done by the time Kazuki even sits down. But not today. He’s taking his time, and it’s starting to make him suspicious. He’s pouring batter into a skillet and thinking about asking what’s wrong with the meal, when Rei answers first.
A sudden clattering crash from behind nearly makes him drop the bowl, but luckily all that happens is he spills pancake batter all over himself. “Fuck—!” Kazuki is occupied for a second by the mess, hurrying to get his apron off before it sets into his clothes. Dumping the apron into the sink, Kazuki spins around, only to find an empty room. The only trace of Rei was the chair he’d been in, sitting on its side on the floor. Across the room the bathroom door slams open so hard it bounces off the wall and swings half shut.
“The hell?” he mutters, walking around the counter to get a better look. The sound of retching makes him break into a run.
“Rei?”
Kazuki pushes aside the door, his eyes widening at the sight of Rei hunched over the toilet, panting, his face drawn up in pain. He tenses, eyes squeezed shut as he heaves up the lunch he’d just gotten down.
“I feel like I should be offended,” Kazuki mutters, because he’s an idiot and has nothing else but jokes in his social toolkit.
Rei responds by puking violently, nearly falling forward into the bowl.
Kazuki grimaces and makes a sound of mild disgust, but he still moves closer and puts a hand on Rei’s shoulder. “Dude, kneel down. You’re gonna collapse.”
Touching Rei while he’s in any manner of distress is usually not a great idea, which he remembers a bit too late. As soon as his hand lands, Rei lashes out with an elbow jab. Kazuki deflects the pitifully weak strike and acts like it didn’t happen at all, grabbing Rei by the arm and pulling him to the floor. Through that touch, he can feel heat radiating from Rei’s skin, even through the thick fabric of his sweatshirt. Kazuki pauses, then sighs as his eyes go dull. He turns around and fills up a cup of water from the bathroom sink, runs a washcloth under some cool water, and returns to Rei’s side.
Rei has his arms draped across the bowl, one hand propping up his head, eyes tightly closed. He’s breathing sharp and shallow, trying in vain to suppress the relentless nausea. His face is so pale, almost grey. “Nn…nnngh…”
“Stop fighting it,” Kazuki coaches, his voice softening with sympathy despite his best attempts at staying annoyed. “You’ll make yourself feel worse. It’s happening either way, so just let it.”
Rei is in no shape to talk, but the ragged groan ending in a choked sob is enough to convey the misery he’s in.
“I know. Breathe slowly and deeply. Try to relax.” Kneeling beside him, he drapes the washcloth on the back of Rei’s neck, making him shiver. He runs his hand slowly up and down Rei’s back, waiting patiently through the grisly process. He can’t help but feel awful for him. He’s never seen Rei sick before, not even with allergies or something small. This clearly isn’t something small.
“Hn.” Idly brushing Rei’s hair out of his eyes, he remarks, “You must be one of those people who never gets sick unless you’re really sick.”
Rei draws back, catching his breath. He raises his head out of the bowl, sucking in air between wet, strangled coughs. “Hhg—guh…f. Fuck.”
Kazuki hands him a ball of tissue to wipe his mouth. “I know, man. It’s the worst. Want water?”
Rei takes the cup from him, or tries to. His hand shakes so bad he nearly drops it. “Careful—hey.” Kazuki catches the glass before it can slip, grabbing it along with Rei’s hand. The both of them freeze, looking down at their linked hands.
Rei’s fingers suddenly regain their strength and he rips the glass—and his hand—out of Kazuki’s grip. He drinks it, and they both pretend the blush on his cheeks is nothing more than fever.
Rei gulps down the water, then lets his arm fall limply into his lap, the empty cup rolling sadly across the floor. He looks like he wants to be angry so bad, if he only had the strength for it. His eyes are rimmed in dark circles, and his face is downright sallow. His whole body shivers with a violent shudder, eyes closing in a pitiful wince. He looks awful. Kazuki’s brow draws in sympathy and concern. Maybe even a little guilt because, shit, Rei looks really bad; how didn’t he notice it sooner?
“Feel like you’re done? I need to take your temperature.”
Rei sniffs, rubbing his teary eyes with the sleevecuff of his hoodie. “Nngh. Dunno.”
“…Ok well. Don’t puke for the next ninety seconds. After that you can go nuts.”
He kneels down and holds the thermometer up to his lips, and when Rei opens his mouth to complain, he quickly sticks it in. He glares, but it’s so feeble that all it does is make Kazuki pity him more. Rei gives up quickly on being a bad patient. He sits there quietly, swaying a bit, his head gradually falling forward. Jeez—is he about to pass out?
Kazuki puts a hand on Rei’s forehead and lifts it back up, mostly so the thermometer doesn’t fall. Rei blinks hazily, staring through a dizzy fog at a pair of bright golden eyes. Everything feels like a dream. He doesn’t really know what’s going on, but. Kazuki has never looked at him like that before. So soft. Rei grunts slightly when he feels a distinct thud in his chest; his heart has skipped. That’s…annoying. If whatever illness he’s got is causing palpitations it might actually be a problem. It hadn’t occurred to him it might be something he can’t sleep off.
The thermometer beeps, but when Kazuki takes it out he looks confused.
“Huh. This thing broken?” He presses buttons, squinting with mild frustration at the tiny screen. “The hell? …Did you keep it under your tongue the whole time?”
Rei blinks slowly. “Under?”
Kazuki stares at him, eye twitching. He has a million things to say about how dumb this guy is—but something stops him. And that thing is that he takes more than two seconds to think about what he just heard. Rei…doesn’t know how to use a thermometer. He has never once in his life had his temperature taken. And that’s certainly not because he’s never been sick before.
Suddenly Kazuki doesn’t wanna say anything mean to him anymore. He looks down at the thermometer and holds the buttons down to reset it. “Uh…yeah. It goes underneath your tongue. Here, try it again.” He offers it to Rei without looking.
The time passes in heavier silence and seems to stretch longer than before. When the beep sounds again, it’s taken a reading.
“You’re fucked, dude.” Kazuki says flatly, presenting the digital display in front of Rei’s bleary, sunken eyes. It reads 38.5. Rei stares at it, glaring, until his eyes start to sting.
“…Is that high?”
“Are you—” He takes a steadying breath. “Yes. Rei. It’s high. How long were you walking around like this?”
He shrugs. “Couple days maybe.”
He expects a reprimand, to be called a dumbass, to at least get lectured. And Kazuki looks like he’s real tempted to for a second. But then his eyes go dull, and he does that annoying thing where he finds a task to pick up as a distraction. He starts rifling through the medicine cabinet, hiding his face behind its door.
“You have to care, now, Rei. If you’re sick, or hurt, or anything like that. These days you have to care.”
Rei stares at the ground, uncomfortably trembling as his body is wracked with shivers. “Sorry.”
Kazuki shakes out two pills from their bottle, thinks about it, then adds one more. He hands them to Rei so his hands are free to fill up the cup with water again. But when he turns back to Rei, he finds him tipping the pills into his mouth already.
“Wh—”
Rei looks at him in blank confusion.
“Did you swallow those?”
“Yeah..?”
“Dude.” He holds up the cup. “You’re s’posed to take em with water.”
“Why?”
“Because…taking them dry sucks?” he hands him the cup, insistent. “Because it’s okay to do things that make sucky stuff marginally less bad?”
Rei stares at him, considering whether or not to retort—but in the end, he drinks the water obediently and offers a blank, “Thanks.”
Kazuki sighs and puts a hand on Rei’s arm, tugging. “Come on. Bed.”
Rei looks over at the bathtub.
Kazuki blows out a breath through his teeth. “Oh my god. No. You have to be somewhere warm and dry. And you’ll thank me later, ‘cause it’s gonna feel way better to be in an actual bed while you go through this shitstorm.”
Rei is…less than cooperative. He drops his head into the crook of his elbow and lets his body go completely slack. Kazuki pulls again, but he might as well be tugging at a corpse. The sound Rei produces makes Kazuki’s mouth drop open, because he has only ever heard that kind of whine come from a four year old girl. Kazuki lets out an incredulous, humorless laugh. “Dude. Do I have one toddler or two??”
“Mmnn.”
“Seriously…agh, alright, alright, jeez…” He kneels down next to him and slings Rei’s arm over his shoulders. “Here we go, come on. Up.”
As soon as Rei is on his feet, his head goes fuzzy and cold with vertigo, and he nearly ends up right back on the floor. Kazuki reacts quickly, catching him around the waist. “Woah—shit. Easy. I gotcha.”
Rei clings to him. Literally. His body is totally pliant and limp, shivering, his breath quick and ragged. Rei’s fists are wound tight into the fabric of his shirt. And then, Rei lays his head against him, and nuzzles his heated face into the space between his shoulder and neck. Kazuki’s gasp gets caught in his throat. He has to remind himself to breathe. He hauls Rei into a piggyback, his arms dangling limply over Kazuki’s shoulders like a shawl. He can feel Rei’s burning forehead lolling against his shoulder. He immediately starts to slip, and Kazuki has to kneel down before he drops him entirely.
“Tch—Rei. Look, I need you to at least try and hold on.”
Rei whimpers softly and huffs out a breath that washes over Kazuki’s shoulder and down along his collarbone.
“Kazuki…”
There is a powerful twinge. Something…rises, building up from far down inside him. It begins to heat, the tingling warmth spreading and pooling. Stiffening. Kazuki clenches his teeth, his eyes wide and blank with nothing short of horror.
Oh, fuck no.
The speed with which he yanks Rei onto his back and hauls him along is less than gentle, but he’s too busy panicking to care. He sets his teeth against each other and kicks Rei’s bedroom door open, feeling a bit hot and lightheaded himself. It’s fine. He’s gonna put this dunce to bed and spend the rest of the day doing everything in his power to forget what just happened. What happened? He doesn’t even remember. Nothing at all.
The room is dark, the window obscured by stacked-up storage boxes and totes. It smells faintly of dust. Rei hardly comes in here at all. Forcing himself to slow down and be a bit gentler, he lowers Rei onto the mattress and wonders if it’s the first time he’s ever used it. Rei grumbles unhappily, shivering as he separates from Kazuki’s warmth.
Pulling back the blankets, Kazuki takes away the carefully shaped pillows and cushions that stay there to mimic a sleeping body. He tosses them on the floor and then gently nudges Rei into their place. “C’mon. Lay down. You know how to use a bed, right?”
It’s only half a joke.
Rei finds enough in him to glare, but does lay down. Kazuki pulls the blankets over him, tucking them all the way to his chin. Rei shivers at first, but as the sheets warm up, it’s obvious to see the relief that comes over him.
“Told you it’d be better than the bathtub.”
Rei curls in on himself, pulling the blankets close to his chest. He hears footsteps, then silence, and figures he’s on his own. Might as well sleep until this is over. He’s almost drifting off when light glows against his eyelids and he opens them, squinting blearily with a dissatisfied grunt. In the soft yellow lamplight he sees Kazuki, and his complaints die in his throat.
Maybe it’s his blurred vision, but there’s a softness to the edges of Kazuki’s form. The light bounces off him like sunlight off the moon. He’s placing things on the bedside table: more medicine, a water bottle, ice packs. Then he turns his way and seems a bit surprised to see him awake. Kazuki smiles, small and sympathetic. Rei feels dizzy again.
“Keep this on,” he murmurs quietly, brushing aside Rei’s bangs to put a damp cloth on his forehead. “Brings your fever down.”
“I know.” Rei turns his head to chase the ghost of Kazuki’s touch which trails so close to his face.
“Course you do.” He puts a plastic trash bin on the floor beside the bed. “Use this if you feel sick again. It’s a pain in the ass to clean out of a carpet.”
Rei stares mutely up at him, eyes vulnerable like he’s never seen. The only word for it is pitiful. Kazuki feels his heart clench in his chest. He has the sudden urge to reach out and touch him somehow. He doesn’t.
“I’ll come back to check on you, ok?” he says softly, lingering. “Yell if you need me, I’ll be around. Just…try to sleep.”
He turns off the lamp and glances down at Rei once more before leaving, pulling the door almost closed behind him.
In the large open space of the empty apartment, Kazuki returns to the kitchen. He spends a minute staring at Rei's door, then breathes a long sigh. He’s not sure what to do now, if he’s honest. This is not a situation he ever thought he’d be in.
He's only known Rei for a couple years or so, but in that time he’d never even heard him sneeze. This is almost awkward, because not only is it…Rei. But. It’s taking care of Rei. Which he has no idea how to do, really. Beyond feeding him, cleaning his house, washing his clothes. Those are obvious, easy. But what now? He can’t just leave him like that, can he? Maybe he can. Rei has always been a machine. Kazuki has never met anyone tougher. He’s seen him treat bullets like bug bites, push gun barrels into stab wounds and seal his skin back shut. He could operate for days without sleep or food. He’s been made that way.
Rei’s past is not something Kazuki thinks about much. No need to, until it affects something in the present. It shows itself here and there, bobbing to the surface every so often just to remind them it exists. Kazuki would never ask. Because he didn’t want to break into his own problems, either. Keeping a lid on all that suits him just fine. The only thing that matters is how things are now.
And how things are now is that Rei’s way too bad off to just be left alone. He could get worse instead of better.
Kazuki chews his lip and stares at nothing. He remembers the heat of him against his body, the way he couldn’t stand on his own, the pink flush in his cheeks. The weakness with which he called his name.
…Fuck off.
Kazuki clamps his hands over his face, making a sound like a tea kettle.
That was just a fluke. It can happen randomly, it has before. It doesn’t mean anything. Rei didn’t notice, and that means nobody ever has to know. Except Kazuki. He would know.
Nope! He’s going to forget. Be useful. Be too busy to think about anything else.
He doesn’t like the idea of Rei and Miri trading the flu back and forth for the next couple weeks, so he calls Kyu. As always, it takes less than three rings before he picks up, his dull tone cutting through any manners and straight to the point.
“What kind of favor are you asking for?”
“Ah…Kyu-chan…” Kazuki grins sourly. He’s always on the ropes with this fuckin’ guy. “W-what makes you think I need a favor?”
There is nothing but silence on the other end. Kazuki senses that he probably might get on Kyu’s good side faster if he just skips the charade of niceties.
“I need you to watch Miri…”
“This evening?”
Kazuki cringes. “Um. Maybe…all night?”
Silence again. In which Kazuki can hear the bells tolling over his grave.
“…Why.”
“Look—do you think I’d ask if I had any other choice? She can’t be here right now, Rei’s…” He trails off, glancing toward the bedroom door.
“What about Rei?”
“Uh, he’s sick. Like…bad. Like having a mini germ-incubator waking him up all night to cuddle isn’t gonna be—”
“I’ll take her.”
Kazuki pauses. “Wh…yeah?”
“Yes. Stay with Rei. I'll pick her up from daycare now.”
He knows better than to point out how weird the sudden switch is. He’s not gonna give Kyu a chance to change his mind by asking questions. Just take the miracles as they come, Kazuki. “Aaa, Kyu-channn! You’re a lifesaver! Kyu-chan’s the best~”
“Kazuki.”
He hears the voice from the receiver before he’s quick enough to end the call. Kazuki slowly puts the phone back up to his ear, grimacing. “Y…yes?”
“Don’t forget who he is.”
The tone is serious. Everything Kyu says sounds serious, but there’s something in this particular warning that rings Kazuki’s alarm bells. “What?”
“Just leave him alone. Check to make sure his condition isn’t getting worse, but that’s all. Don’t…”
Kazuki can’t explain the vague sense of indignation that rises in him. “Kyu, what are you saying?”
There’s a pause.
“I’m saying: be careful around Rei.”
The phone clicks dead. Kazuki pulls a confused face and stares at it. Be careful? The hell does that mean. He glances toward the door of Rei’s room.
…You know, he never actually remembers to be afraid of Rei. Not for a while now. Maybe it’s because he never cared to know anything about him. Maybe because when he first met Rei, Kazuki was beyond fear of most things. Self preservation wasn’t a priority back then. He wasn’t as clumsy with jobs as his reputation would say, but rather…there just wasn’t very much motivation for him to be careful with his own safety. He was just killing time until the job that would kill him came around.
Now, that has changed. He once again has a reason—a few reasons—to stay alive. And now he knows just how deadly the man he shares his life with really is.
A shiver runs through him, thinking back to those early days, when he’d barged into Rei’s life and started bossing him around. Griping at him. Nagging. Dunking him into a bath and brandishing scissors around his head. All that annoying shit he was doing to a living weapon who’d been taught to kill before he was taught to drive. A latent bomb. Instant death always within arm’s reach.
Kazuki heads for the couch, feeling suddenly like he needs to sit down.
The first time he went on a job with Rei, Kazuki had realized he was…not ordinary. It wasn’t even the dead-eyed stare, or the kill count, or the way he never spoke unless he had to. It was the speed. He could switch from completely motionless to actively murdering within the space of half a second. He said nothing beforehand. He gave no tells, no indication. One moment, you’d be standing in front of him, and the next, you’re never going to stand again. That first job took twenty minutes—fifteen of it was spent driving. Three to infiltrate the building. Two for Rei to slaughter seventeen people. That night, Kazuki remembers seriously debating whether to be gone by morning.
But when he peeked out of his bedroom door to see if the coast would be clear to leave, he saw Rei on the couch, controller in hand, racing cartoon character go-karts at 4 in the morning.
Kazuki sits in that spot now, his mind flitting through all the times Rei could have easily hurt him. They slept in the same place, ate together, ran through the daily mundane of ordinary life. His guard was down most when Rei was around. And in that time, he had never actually felt scared. He might be wary, at times. He could catch glimpses of something bad lurking beneath the surface, driving some of Rei’s strange behaviors. Kazuki eventually realized that Rei did have a tell. It was when he went completely still—when he looked as if he could be made of stone—that he was most dangerous.
Kyu must have known all this and more when he suggested the two become partners. Since he hadn’t been worried about it then, surely that meant Kazuki was right to never fear Rei. So why now would he caution him like that? Kazuki knows better than to brush off anything Kyu says in that serious tone. But still. He really can’t find it in him, even deliberately trying, to feel any fear that Rei could hurt him. He can’t imagine he’d ever be the target of the deadly skills that Rei had used to save Kazuki’s life countless times now.
At first they couldn’t care less about one other out on a job. Time after time Kazuki came home with bruises, grazed bullet wounds, cracked bones. Reminders that his skills lie more with planning and subterfuge than in combat. Rei never did. Too good. Actually, Rei didn’t pay attention to him at all, blazing his path to the target. It was like he was still working alone, and the partner struggling to keep pace with him was nowhere in his thoughts. Then Kazuki stubbornly butted his way into Rei’s field of view—nagging, insisting that he actually make plans and follow them, and Rei would look his way every so often. When he did, he watched him get hurt. Then, eventually, slowly, he began to go out of his way to make sure that didn’t happen.
When was the first time Rei saved his life? He’d no more remember that than he’d remember the first meal he cooked for Rei. How commonplace, how expected it’s become. Rei protects him.
And it’s not very often he can say he’s returned the favor. Does being his personal maid count? It seemed like the tradeoff of a lifetime, in Kazuki’s favor. He won’t deny that the real reason he didn’t leave that night was because he knew Rei was his ticket to an easy gig. It was like finding a loaded bazooka on the sidewalk. If all he had to do to keep this superweapon on his side was do his laundry and cook, then hell, what idiot would pass up that deal?
Kazuki’s scowl sours further as he sinks into the couch. Why does he feel bad about that now.
Two weeks ago, Rei took a knife aimed at him. And Kazuki vacuumed the apartment.
“Fuckssake,” he mutters under his breath, shooting up from the couch. He storms out onto the balcony, welcoming the slap in the face he gets from the cold night air. No wonder Rei’s sick in this weather. Idiot wears the same threadbare jacket all year.
Like every time he’s in a shitty mood, his thoughts drift to Miri. Pulling out his phone, he dials Kyu’s number again. She’d be there by now. Waiting on an explanation. At least he can tell her Rei’s alright and hopefully stop her from worrying.
As soon as Kyu picks up, he hears her shrill voice in the background demanding to let her talk to him, her little feet slamming the floor as she jumps for the phone. Kazuki shoots off a quick update, and Once Kyu is convinced the situation is still stable, he finally gives the phone over to Miri.
“PAPA!!!”
Even though she’s upset with him, Kazuki can’t help a quiet laugh. Just the sound of her voice is enough to lift his heart. “I’m sorry Miri. Don’t be mad, okay?”
“But!” The pout in her voice is clear and loud. “Why won’t you let me help take care of Papa Rei? When you’re sick, your family is supposed to take care of you!”
“A-ah, well…actually! There’s something really important I need your help with.”
Miri is instantly interested. “Huh?”
“You know how to make paper cranes, right?”
He hears her little gasp of excitement. “Yeah! We learned them in daycare!”
“Then I’m sure you know all about how people make paper cranes to bring good health, right?”
“They do? Uh…um! Yeah, I know that!”
“Mhm. If you make a bunch of paper cranes and hang them over the sick person’s bed, it will help them get better faster. So that’s why I had to send you to Kyu-chan’s place. He’s going to take you to get a bunch of origami paper, and you can make the cranes to help Papa Rei feel better. Okay?”
“…KYU-CHAN! ORIGAMI!!” Kazuki hears a clatter as she drops the phone and scampers away, but then the footsteps quickly come right back. “Kazuki Papa, don’t worry! I’m gonna make Rei Papa ten billion cranes ok! Bye-bye!!!”
“Ah—bye bye, Miri! See you tomorrow!”
He smiles at his phone after he hangs up the call. Until a text comes through from Kyu telling him the cost of origami supplies is coming out of his next check. He doesn’t open that text.
Talking to Miri makes him feel less like a useless failure, so he sucks in a breath and turns back inside. He might not be half the partner Rei is, and he might be a shithead who can never pay back what he’s taken. But right now, Rei needs help that Kazuki can give. It may not be enough, but it’s what he can do—so, time to get over himself and just do it.
Arms full of fever-care supplies, Kazuki peeps through the small opening in the door into Rei’s dark bedroom. He squints and listens carefully. Steady, raspy breathing. He sounds asleep. Shouldering the door open, Kazuki dares take one step inside. In the dim light that pours in from the kitchen light, he can see Rei’s shoulders rising and falling. Kazuki feels really stupid, creeping around like this. Kyu has him acting paranoid—and for nothing. Come on. Rei’s not dangerous. Not to him.
Even though he knows that, a vague sense of instinctual dread makes him move very slowly as he crosses the room, calling to mind everything he knows about stealth. Rei’s back is to him when he approaches the bed. Kazuki’s eyes strain in the dark, but he can’t make out his face. Taking his life in his hands, probably, he reaches out with a cold cloth in hand toward Rei’s face. As soon as he touches his forehead, he finds out for sure whether Rei is awake.
Kazuki isn’t even half the assassin Rei is. He’ll admit that. Rei’s an absolute monster, and Kazuki has never had much pride to speak of. It takes all kinds of skills to do this job, and his just aren't centered on combat. But the complete ease with which he finds himself overcome and helpless now genuinely makes him wonder if he has any business being in this line of work at all.
A hand clamps around his wrist and wrenches his arm, twisting it behind him. Before he can even register that, Kazuki is slammed face-down on the bed with a knee in his back. His arm is held straight out behind him at an angle where moving too quickly could snap it out of its socket. And there is a gun pressed to the back of his head.
He doesn’t move. Face full of pillow, heart hammering. The only sound in the room is two sets of ragged breath. Rei’s sounds uneven, panicked. This isn’t how he usually fights: in control, emotionless. Right now, Rei’s a frayed nerve. He needs to diffuse this bomb.
“Oi,” Kazuki complains, indignant, hiding the tremble in his voice behind the lilt of a whine. “This is not how you treat your own personal nurse.”
There is no reply, but he feels Rei jolt and then freeze.
“Who do you think is gonna take care of you if you get rid of me?” he scoffs. “Nobody in the world has that much patience.”
It takes moments that feel like years. Kazuki feels the blood rushing his head, his face turning red and his arm painfully cramping behind his back. His shoulder is being ground slowly out of its socket. His lungs barely have much space to breathe with the pressure of Rei’s full weight bearing down on his spine. He’s only got so long before he passes out. The gun shakes in Rei’s hand.
“What…” Rei gasps, an overheated haze clouding his head. It’s dark and he doesn’t know where he is, but someone broke in. He’s in pain and someone’s pinned beneath him. Maybe he’s dreaming. Or not. Who is he killing?
“Rei,” the target says, voice low and quiet. Hiding fear. “Let go.”
Why hasn’t he fired yet? His finger twitches over the trigger, but he keeps stopping himself from pulling. Is this an ambush? Why wasn’t he in the bathtub—where did he fall asleep? Who…is this…
“I…” Rei’s grip loosens. “I know you.”
What is he doing?
Just when he thinks his arm is about to pop off like one of Miri’s dolls, the hands release him. There’s a crash; Kazuki twists around to see Rei has fallen backwards into a stack of boxes. He’s staring up at him with heartbreaking desperation. Confusion. Guilt.
“Rei—”
Rei holds his hands out, a stopping gesture. Kazuki stays where he is, kneeling on the bed. Hiding his sore wrist behind him. Neither of them know what to say. Rei’s head is down, bangs in his eyes. He looks like he’s going to shake apart.
“I’m.” Kazuki swallows, his mouth dry. “I’m going to come over there. Okay?”
Rei shakes his head, his whole body shivering.
“It’s fine. You won’t do anything.”
Kazuki slowly creeps forward, making as much noise as he can so Rei can tell where he is at all times. He slides to the floor a few feet in front of him. He feels sort of ridiculous. Is he talking to a grown man or coaxing a stray kitten out of an alley?
“Come on Rei. This is dumb.”
“…”
“I’m gonna touch your arm. Don’t break mine.”
He reaches out, slowly but confidently. His hand lights gently on Rei’s bicep. Aside from a shaky gasp, Rei gives no response.
“See? Easy. We’re both safe. Look how safe we are. Two perfectly safe guys with nothing to worry about. How ‘bout that.”
Rei’s breathing is getting slower. Soon, he even nods.
“Come on. Let’s go back to bed.”
With a bit of careful and slow effort, Rei allows himself to be pulled out of the boxes and off the floor. Kazuki sits in front of him on the bed, holding him steady by the upper arms. He looks shell-shocked, like he still doesn’t know what just happened—and like he could fall over any moment. Seeing the way Rei shivers violently, he hurries to wrap a stray blanket around his shoulders. As he does, a flash of movement sends his heart back into his throat.
A few frenzied heartbeats pass, letting him know that he isn’t dead yet. As the blind panic fades, Kazuki realizes that he’s trapped again. Rei’s hands are on each side of his face, and his eyes are now sharp and intensely focused. Kazuki chokes on his words, afraid to move a muscle.
“I know you.”
He’s never, never heard Rei’s voice sound like that. Small and desperate. Scared. Kazuki freezes. Every callous remark he might use to brush this aside falls apart before he can say them.
“I w…I would never. Hurt you. I wouldn’t. I know you.”
Kazuki can only stare, lost and uncertain. For a while, he waits for this moment to break, but Rei is staring at him with a desperation that won’t cease, which begs to be known. Be seen. Kazuki has nowhere to run, and he has to give something here, anything, to the one person he owes it to. To the man who saves him daily, the machine who was dismantled the moment he was born and has never known reward.
What the hell does he have to give?
“You don’t have to tell me that, stupid,” Kazuki murmurs. “I know you too.”
Rei wilts, then, folding in on himself until his forehead rests on Kazuki’s shoulder. His hands slide off his face, one still clinging to the side of his neck, and Rei begins to shake erratically.
They stay that way for a long while. Rei won’t let go, and Kazuki doesn’t have the heart to pull away, despite the ache in his wrist growing steadily stronger. There’s nothing further to say, so he waits. Eventually, Rei’s energy dives straight down. He hangs limp in Kazuki’s arms, exhausted.
At length, Kazuki mutters, “Goddamn.” He moves his hand back and forth along Rei’s back. “You…really got dealt a shit hand.”
Unfair. What was done to him. Unfair what they made him into.
“…sorry,” comes the faint reply.
Kazuki’s laugh is full of battery acid. Unfair that he thinks he has to say sorry for it all.
“Forget it,” he mumbles, moving to slip out of his grasp. “You probably won’t remember any of this in the morning, so…”
Rei’s hands, which had gone slack, suddenly grip his shirt again. “Stay here.”
“Wha…like. All night??”
“You said.”
“As if! I never said I’d—”
“Marginally less bad.”
When he can’t find a good argument, Kazuki lets out a quiet groan. Rei is moving to lie down, and tugging the collar of Kazuki’s hoodie as he goes. Somehow, he lets himself get dragged down into bed…with Rei. And now somehow he’s cuddling with Rei, who shrinks down as small as possible as he presses his face into Kazuki’s chest. He feels his whole body jolt with uncontrollable shiver when Rei’s arm snakes up his side and around his back. There’s nowhere for his arms to go except around Rei’s shoulders.
As he lies there staring at the wall and listening to his heartbeat set a new speed record, Kazuki thinks to himself that Kyu was right. Yeah…Rei is dangerous, all right.
It’s dangerous how he curls so seamlessly into a vessel for Rei’s shape. How easily he clicks into place like a clip in a rifle. Their legs overlap each other and Rei’s curled fingers intwine with the strings of Kazuki’s hoodie. Nothing but rest and comfort between them. It’s easy. It’s not supposed to feel this easy. With the walls down so they can act in truth, nothing feels more natural than lying with Rei in his arms. And he loves the way it feels. He’s scared by just how much.
There was less danger when he held a gun to his head. A bullet would have hurt less than this searing ache in his chest when Rei rests his head on it. It must hurt because it’s wrong, yeah? Because he’s not supposed to love anyone this way. There isn’t supposed to be anyone else who could fit so perfectly between his arms. He promised to give this intimacy to no one else but her.
But…it’s what he can do. It’s what he has. And he’s drowning in debt.
"Alright, idiot," he murmurs, fond and annoyed. With a deep sigh, he closes his eyes, and settles in to the warm peace of the night. "Relax, then. Aah, leave it all to Kazuki, yeah yeah, I'll keep watch. Don't worry. Nothing can touch you."