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In the four years it took to get to Erid, it somehow never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be able to get off the ship immediately. I don’t know how the fact that it might take time to develop what was essentially a human fish tank didn’t cross my mind, but I had always imagined Rocky and I stepping out of the ship together, waving at a crowd of Eridians celebrating our arrival. Wishful thinking, I suppose. I guess even world-saving scientists are susceptible to denial.
The first few days were an absolute frenzy of activity - not for me, but for Rocky. While I stayed on the ship, he helped to ensure the launch of the Taumoeba and completed the final step in saving his planet. As excited as scientists were to meet me, the astrophage problem obviously required their immediate attention, and every ounce of it, too. The first day we arrived, I almost didn’t mind the alone time - after nearly four years in a ship with literally no semblance of privacy thanks to Rocky’s hearing, it was almost nice to be the only one on the Hail Mary. Almost.
Rocky stopped by the ship occasionally to give me updates. He assured me that after the astrophage problem had been taken care of, the best scientists in the world would begin working to develop a method to keep me alive. They were already in the process of constructing a home of sorts for me, a contained system that would meet my needs.
He talked excitedly about the parades that were to be thrown in our names, the impressive and important Eridians who were anxious to meet me, about how amazing it was to be home. In those moments, it was easy to feel happy for him. His joy was contagious, his voice a high pitched song of excitement that I had always loved to hear. But his visits were short; after all, he was a busy Eridian who had just saved the world, with people to reunite with and things to take care of. I understood, of course. But that didn’t make it any easier when he had to go.
I hated the way I felt watching him leave the tunnel out into a world still unknown to me, a place I could not yet follow him. I would remind myself how selfish it was to even wish he would stay. He had just saved his planet, finally returning home after a journey that was longer than I had even been alive. He deserved to be out celebrating, not stuck keeping his alien friend happy. Besides, he had no reason to think I wouldn’t be thankful for the alone time. I mean, what sane person spends that long in a cramped space with someone and then misses them less than a week later? After four years, you’d think I’d be excited to not have that sarcastic little music box around every second. It sure seemed that Rocky was happy to have his distance.
Well, insane or not, I wasn't happy at all. Somehow it came as a surprise to me that first night that I couldn't fall asleep on the empty ship. It was almost comical considering the fact that I had once found Rocky’s insistence upon “observing” me while I slept to be absurd. Even so, I hadn’t done so much as taken a nap without the Eridian watching over me in almost four years.
The absolute silence of the ship felt almost suffocating without the sound of Rocky’s tinkering. Even though I knew I was perfectly safe, I was riddled with intense anxiety, a nonsensical fear and feeling of absolute terror making my heart pound and my breath quicken. And, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop the thoughts that began to race through my head. I would never be going home again. I was definitely going to die on this planet, most likely sooner rather than later. And the one that hurt the most was that Rocky might not even be at my side when I did.
That was the first time I had a panic attack. Sure, I had experienced moments of panic before, more than I could count. But it was the first time in my life that the panic didn't go away.
I was determined to do whatever it took to prevent myself from feeling that anxiety and grief again. So, I did what any rational scientist would do - I kept myself as busy as possible and avoided sleep like the plague. Without the convenient distraction of having a planet to save, I kept my mind occupied by studying my notes on Eridian culture or by playing one of the millions of video games Stratt had so kindly pirated for us. I only slept when my body finally gave out, usually slumped over in the control room chair. Even then, the rest never lasted long; nightmares of the hell Earth might be experiencing plagued my sleep, the horrified faces of my students haunting my dreams. I often woke up screaming; the only good part of being alone was that there was no one there to hear it.
Rocky’s visits were the highlight of my conscious hours, and each second between them was spent passing the time, anxiously looking forward to when things would calm down and finally go back to normal - well, whatever normal had turned into. I daydreamed about what my new “home” would be like, thinking about interesting ways they could combine Rocky’s living space with mine. More than anything, I reminisced about the days of Rocky not just offering to watch me rest but insisting upon it, always keeping a careful eye on me to ensure my hyperfixations didn't lead to sleep deprivation. I longed to hear his nagging tone order me to bed once more, and I craved the sense of safety his presence had come to provide. The only thing keeping me sane was the hope that things would settle down soon and that I'd be living with Rocky again in no time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today marks our first week on Erid. Once again I wake up in a panic, my limbs flailing under sweat soaked sheets as I sit up with a start. Images of the crew, the people who worked on Project Hail Mary, my children suffering insurmountably flash before my bleary eyes and I squeeze them shut, taking a strained, deep breath. I try to focus on the fact that someday soon, I won't be waking up alone. ‘Just a little longer,’ I tell myself, ‘just get through this moment and everything will be okay.’ A few minutes later, my heart rate slows down enough that the pulse in my ears subsides.
I stare up at the Nanny Bot longingly, almost hoping that if I look at it sadly enough it will magically conjure up coffee even though the ship ran out years ago. I groan, flopping back onto the mattress when a knocking sound startles me out of my half-awake stupor.
“Rocky,” I whisper excitedly. I waste no time, bolting out of bed and rushing to the airlock tunnel. Sure enough, the Eridian is there, a hand waving excitedly as I enter.
“Friend Grace! Hello!” His voice is cheerful. I still can’t explain how I am able to tell what most of his tones are, but after years of speaking with him, I just can. The human brain is an amazing thing.
I plaster on a smile. I am sure I look like hell, but thankfully Rocky doesn’t seem to notice. “Hey, friend Rocky,” I say, trying to match his tone. “How are things going?”
“Good good good! As you know, the Taumoeba launch was a success. Now we just wait. And good news! Eridians have built area you can live!”
I feel my face genuinely lighting up for the first time in days. “Really?” I ask, “I get to leave the ship?”
“Yes! You can leave ship! Area not finished yet though. It is just big empty dome.”
I frown slightly. “But you will be there. Right?”
Rocky shimmies his carapace in an expression of confusion. “Of course,” he says, “I will visit, hopefully more often.”
I stare at him as I feel my heart drop. He will… visit? So I'll be on my own? Just alone in… in what, a bubble? My breathing begins to speed up outside of my control and I suddenly realize that I'm crying. I clench my eyes shut and scrub at them with the back of my hand.
“Grace, question?” Rocky’s voice trembles with concern. “Your face is leaking, your heart and breath are fast, are you okay question?”
I nod, still attempting to hide my distress even now. I swallow the lump in my throat. “Yeah, buddy,” I say, my voice almost breathy from the tightness in my chest, “don't worry about me.”
Rocky clicks his fists together almost angrily. “No,” he insists, “something is wrong, are you sick question?”
As if to prove Rocky right I feel myself become lightheaded. I stumble for a moment and catch myself on the xenonite divider wall. Thankful once again for its insulating abilities, I allow myself to slide down until I am sitting on the floor, my back resting against it. I bring my legs up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them as I instinctively curl up.
“No,” I say, my voice sounding far more pitiful than I would've liked. “I'm not sick. It's a… a stupid human thing. I'll, I'll be fine.” I get my words out between hitched breaths, burying my face into my knees.
This time Rocky didn't argue with me. He was so quiet with my back turned that I almost wondered whether he had simply taken my word for it and left me to deal with my “stupid human thing” alone. I whimpered at the thought, not even caring how pathetic I must sound before I hear a noise directly behind me. I turn my head slightly to see that Rocky has moved towards the wall that separates us, curling up as close as he can to my form on the other side. I look away - even though I know it makes no difference since Rocky doesn't even have eyes, I still can't bring myself to meet his metaphorical gaze.
When he finally replies, his voice is softer - not quiet, but gentler somehow.
“I remember now. Human face leak when sad. You are sad, question?” He asks, though his tone indicates that this is more of an observation than an inquiry.
I can't help but let out a dark chuckle. “Sad” felt like the understatement of the century. I wasn't sad, no - I was devastated. I had lost everything. I could deal with the loss of my planet, the fact that I'd never go home again - I had been dealing with that for four years now. But I hadn't considered the fact that I would be losing the companionship of the alien who had ended up becoming my best and only friend.
I manage a nod as I swallow back the sob that has been building in my throat. I am fully hyperventilating at this point, the exhaustion making it infinitely harder than usual to push my emotions down. I lean my head back against the wall as I struggle to control my breathing.
“Yeah,” I manage to gasp out, “I’m sad. Sad, sad, sad.” I can’t help but be thankful for Rocky’s excellent hearing. I am so out of breath that I could not speak louder if I wanted to.
Another few seconds pass before I hear Rocky tapping at the wall to get my attention, and I reluctantly turn my head to look at him..
“It's okay,” Rocky says softly, his voice still one of concern. “We made it, we are safe. You are not alone. I am here.”
“But you aren't!” I respond without thinking, my words stronger now as they come out with a sob. Thanks to a solid week of sleep deprivation, my anxiety is at an all time high, so intense it almost hurts. Words continue to tumble out, almost against my will.
“You aren't here. And you won't be there either. You'll be off with your future mate, busy with your own life. You have better things to do than keep me company, and I was so, so stupid to ever think otherwise.” I can’t hold back the venom in my voice - I just hope he realizes it is directed at myself.
I choke back another sob and wrap my arms more tightly around my legs. Why am I telling him this? The whole plan was to prevent Rocky from worrying about me, to let him enjoy his time now that he was home. I sure as hell didn't want him to feel guilty.
For the first time in ages, Rocky seems to be at a loss for words. I can hear my heart pound in my ears like thunder in the silence, my chest heaving with gasping breaths. Here I was, the human who had managed to save the Earth, yet I can’t even consider the idea of continuing to live and sleep alone without becoming a pathetic mess. I truly am a coward, just like Stratt said.
I bury my face into my knees at the thought, my shoulders shaking as my breath continues to hitch. Rocky has saved my life on multiple occasions - I should be ecstatic to have an existence at all, even if it is a lonely one. And if Rocky wasn’t sick of me before, he surely would be now. Who would want to spend time with a leaking blob alien? Hot tears soak into the knees of my jumpsuit as I sink further into despair.
Finally, Rocky replies.
“You are not stupid.” His voice is still gentle but firmer this time. He pauses for a moment, almost as if waiting for me to argue back. I open my mouth to do just that, but Rocky cuts me off.
“No,” he interrupts, his voice a lower octave, warbled from emotion. “You are not stupid. I have been bad friend.”
I immediately shake my head. This was my problem, not his, and the last thing I want is for him to feel responsible for this. I turn my curled up form to the side, still pressed against the clear panel between us as I rest my temple against the xenonite, finally looking over at Rocky. His carapace is closer to the ground than I have seen in a long time.
“No,” I say, my voice weak but determined, “It's not your fault. You’ve been busy, I mean, for god's sake, you've been saving your planet.”
I watch as Rocky shakes his carapace.
“No. Other Eridians just as capable of launching Taumoeba. I should not have left you alone on ship.”
I shake my head again, a subtle but fast and frantic movement. I feel more tears spill onto my cheeks as I close my eyes tightly.
“It's fine,” I say, hoping to both reassure Rocky and simultaneously speak it into reality. “It's fine. I’m fine. Well,” I correct after hearing my own broken voice, “I should be fine. I should be happy for you. Not… this.” My vocal cords spasm as I speak, but I push through. “Besides, I’m sure you are tired of me after the trip here. And if by some miracle you weren't, well, there's no way you aren’t sick of me now.”
A long moment passes. Thoughts of what Rocky might be thinking flood my mind, a cacophony of angry chords and well deserved insults. I wrap my arms around myself more tightly, bracing myself for his response.
Finally, Rocky answers.
“Never mind. You were right. You are stupid.”
Even though he is right, his words still sting, and I feel sick as the pit in my stomach sours. I notice my pulse speed up even more and Rocky must hear it too, because this time he doesn’t wait for me to respond.
“You are friend. You are best friend. Why would I be tired of you question? How could I be tired of you question? You should be upset with me - you risk life, leave your planet to save me and mine, and I leave you alone in ship for long time once home.” His voice was almost frantic, and despite the fact that I know he does not have lungs, I can’t help but imagine his pause as a moment for him to catch his breath. Rocky’s carapace begins to tremble when he continues in a softer voice. “I thought you want to be alone after trip. I thought you were tired of me.”
My eyes grow wide as he speaks - I have never heard Rocky express anything with such intense emotion, and the shock of his words and of hearing such vulnerability in his voice leaves me stammering.
“Y-you… You thought I was tired of you?” I ask softly in disbelief, adding the word ‘question’ at the end in case Rocky doesn’t understand my tone.
His carapace nods solemnly.
“I missed you. But you seemed happy I was gone.”
My heart stops.
“You missed me?”
“Stupid human, are you deaf?”
Despite his words, I could tell he didn’t mean it. Rocky wiggles slightly, the same bashful movement he does whenever I compliment him, and I can hear the nervousness in his voice when he finally replies.
“I have missed you very much. Should be happy happy happy. But without you there I feel sad. Sad sad sad.”
I stare at Rocky, absolutely dumbfounded. I notice that the hitches in my breath are now less frequent, and while my heart still races, I think it might be for a different reason now.
“Rocky,” I breathe, tentatively reaching out a hand out and placing it on the clear wall between us. “I’ve missed you too. Very, very much.”
I watch as, after a moment of hesitation, Rocky places one of his hands against my own on the wall’s opposite side, and I am struck by the memory of the first time we did this, back before we could even really talk. Even though I know it is all in my head, I swear I can feel the warmth of his touch through the xenonite.
I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding in the form of what can only be described as a hysterical giggle.
“What? What is so funny, question?”
I continue to laugh for a few more seconds, sighing amusedly before I answer.
“I think we are both stupid.”
Rocky’s vents puff with feigned annoyance.
“Maybe. You are more stupid than me though.” His voice trills with a teasing tone I am all too familiar with.
I chuckle, shrugging my shoulders.
“Normally, I would argue. But I am far too tired for that right now, so I guess you win this one.”
Rocky makes a clicking noise reminiscent of a mother tutting her child.
“That makes sense, you more stupid than usual. When did you last sleep, question?”
I grimace in response, averting my eyes.
“I’m fine, don’t worry!” I say, holding up my hands defensively as I try to avoid the question.
“Grace.” His tone left no room for argument.
I sigh, pulling my hand away from the glass to rub at my eyes.
“I genuinely don’t know. I had a… hard time falling asleep the first night without you there.” I almost wince just thinking about it. “I’ve done my best to avoid doing so since.”
Rocky’s carapace lowers as he begins to understand.
“No one there to watch.” His voice is deep, sad and hollow.
I can't bring myself to reply, only nodding as I bite my lip.
“I understand. I felt same way when alone on Blip A, before I met you. Bad bad bad.”
Rocky pauses, seemingly lost in thought before he shakes his carapace, almost as if he is trying to physically dislodge the memory. Then, he silently stands up and moves to the airlock door.
“What are you doing?”
Rocky waits to acknowledge my question. He quickly opens the hatch between himself and the entrance to his portion of the ship. If I strain my ears, I can almost hear him grumble something about me being a “silly human”. Once he is officially back inside his tunnel system of the Hail Mary, he finally answers.
“You sleep. I watch.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rocky insists that I move my bed to be as close to the divider wall as possible. I don't protest - I am honestly relieved that I don't have to ask. It seems he wants to keep a closer “eye” on me than usual, but I can't blame him. Even most humans don't understand panic attacks. To Rocky, the concept of becoming so upset that the entire body malfunctions is literally an alien concept. However, unlike most humans, Rocky isn't being a judgemental jerk about it, and for that I am incredibly grateful.
I slide my mattress over to the xenonite wall in the dormitory while Rocky digs around in his lab for something to tinker with. I grab my pillow, blanket, and, when I think he's distracted, Ilyukhina’s bear. I hunted it down a few days ago in a last ditch effort of self comfort, and I have become surprisingly attached to it already. I settle down onto the mattress, wrapping myself into a ball around the stuffed toy and pulling the blanket around myself as tightly as I can. Soon after, Rocky returns with his chosen project and settles on a small stool beside me.
Seeing Rocky from this angle is like seeing him in a whole new light. He has always seemed so small before - after all, he is barely three feet tall. But in this moment, as I look up at him from my curled up position pressed against the centimeter of xenonite between us, I can’t help but think maybe I am the small one after all.
I watch as Rocky turns a small metal box over and over in his hands. I feel a lingering anxiety thrumming just below my skin, but watching Rocky's smooth and methodical movements sooths it just slightly. I know I should go to sleep, or at least try to get there, but I just can't bring myself to close my eyes. Not when I'm still so apprehensive about the future.
Eventually, Rocky stills.
“Not in a fixing mood?”
“Not in a sleeping mood, question?”
“Fair enough.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, working up the courage to speak.
“Hey, Rocky?”
“Yes, Grace?”
“Do you… do you think your scientists could make a home where both of us could live?”
Rocky hums thoughtfully. “I think they could make whatever you wanted.”
“Okay, okay,” I acknowledge, “but would you want that? Maybe?”
The moment Rocky takes to respond feels like the longest moment of my life. Finally, he nods his carapace.
“I think I would like that a lot.”
It feels like a weight just falls off my shoulders. A small squeak of excitement escapes my lips, a habit I learned from Rocky himself, as I let out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding. I look up at Rocky with hopeful eyes and a smile, biting my lip nervously.
“Really?” I ask, my voice trembling slightly.
“Yes really. You are best friend,” he says, “I want you around always… want to keep you safe. Besides,” he adds, squirming shyly, “I sleep better when you watch anyway.”
I grin and reach out a hand and place it on the xenonite. What I wouldn't give to be able to touch him instead. Maybe one day I'll be able to probably hug him. But for now, this will do.
“Me too buddy. Me too.”
Rocky moves from the stool to be even closer before he rests his hand on the glass against mine. I see him stroke a finger over its surface almost affectionately, and I mimic the motion with my thumb. As I think about how much I wish I could truly feel it I notice the warmth of a blush cross my cheeks. I'm thankful Rocky can't see color.
“Then it is settled. We will live together on Erid! Friends forever!” The high octave of Rocky’s voice gives away his own excitement, and I can't help but giggle at how cute he is.
“Yeah buddy. We’ll be together. We’ll be family.”
Rocky makes a happy trilling noise. “Family. Yes. Family.”
We sit quietly for a while, both of us in silent agreement that this was a moment worth basking in. Eventually he adjusts, moving his unoccupied arms up under his carapace and resting upon them, his form pressed against the barrier wall. I decide to adjust as well, and I wriggle even closer until I can rest my forehead upon the xenonite.
For a split second I feel a pang of sadness when Rocky pulls his hand away, but then he places it over my head and my heart absolutely melts. I pull my arm back under the blanket, holding the bear tight to my chest as I rub my forehead happily against the barrier.
“You sleep,” Rocky says gently. “I watch.”
I close my eyes, imagining what it would feel like to actually have Rocky’s hand caressing my forehead, and I hum contentedly.
“Okay,” I say softly, my voice already drawling slightly. “I sleep. You watch.”
I nuzzle against Rocky’s hand one last time as I feel my eyelids grow heavy.
“Goodnight, friend Grace.”
I hear his words right as sleep finally begins to take me, but I manage to mumble out a reply right before I pass out.
“Goodnight, friend Rocky.”