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I don't know if I could explain what exactly led to that first time in the woods. For myself, I was attracted to Chris when I first met him, but something like this didn't even occur to me. I know what many people in our church are like when it comes to issues of sexuality. I assumed he was as straight as the rest of them and even hinting that I wondered otherwise could have been disastrous.
But I'm not even sure if I did wonder about Chris at first. He certainly didn't "act gay" -- though I'm not sure there are traits or behaviors that are inexplicably linked to something like sexual orientation or attraction. I mean, I'm gay, but none of my friends or family seemed to believe it even after I told them.
Honestly, it wasn't until he made his move that would have believed that Chris was like me. He was right, though, about what I was thinking that night before I turned out the light. When I tried to reassure him by putting my hand on his at the restaurant, it was intended as purely a friendly gesture. Even when those drunks started harassing us, I hadn't thought of it as anything more than that. I think maybe it was my standing up to someone for making comments like that (I would venture I got a good punch in) that made me courageous enough to consider kissing him. But it was only a fleeting thought.
The truly amazing thing was how it all felt that first time. I mean, I'd experienced oral sex before. In fact, it was the most common type of sex in the woods by the falls. But this was completely different. Chris was very good at what he did, no denying that. But there was this incredible sense of a feeling between the two of us - even when I was servicing him - that took it all to a whole new level. It didn't occur to me then, but maybe that's the difference between engaging in casual sex and experiencing sex with someone you love.
Would I have said I was in love with him then? Probably not. Even if I knew that was the feeling I was experiencing, I could never have put it into words. I'd never loved a man like that before. Not only had I not even allowed myself to consider it as a real possibility, I never had been afforded the opportunity.
It all sparked the most interesting journey over those next few weeks. Our work suffered, but we learned so much more about ourselves and what I might argue is the meaning of our lives. We learned about who we were - both of us - together.
It was a few days after the moment in the woods that we decided to explore other sexual activities. These weren't entirely new to me (I'd "topped" a guy once at the falls), but the experience was again much different that before. The level of pleasure was heightened to a level I didn't think was possible. And I learned that being the "bottom" was incredible as well. Chris and I found we both enjoyed both positions and we certainly did not stick to one routine.
There were several nights I remember being grateful that they weren't housing any other missionaries next door. It was so easy to let loose with Chris and he certainly wasn't one for holding back much, either. What the neighbors must have thought - surely there were times when they heard us. But looking back, I'm not sure I mind much if they did.
While we definitely did our fair share of exploring - it was, in many ways, a sexual awakening for the both of us - it wasn't all about being physical all the time. We spent many hours talking about our lives - our childhoods, growing up Mormon, our aspirations for the future. It was as comforting just spending the night in his arms as it was pleasuring to make love for hours.
I'd never felt closer to anyone in my life. Not only did we share interests, we shared a secret and an affection that many others cannot even begin to comprehend. But there was no shame in it. Eventually, there wasn't even the worry that we might be found out, which is likely why we got so careless in the end.
It's easy to think we might regret what happened. After all, it certainly wasn't easy to return to my hometown and family under the circumstances. When one is disgraced in the eyes of the Church, it can be difficult to ever completely escape the eyes of judgment. And congregations tend to cast that shame and judgment on the entire family instead of just the individual "sinner".
The reality is that I don't regret any of it. Had I not gone on my mission, I would have never met Chris and he would never have met me. If it wasn't for meeting him, I'm not sure when I would have felt comfortable opening up to love. And if I hadn't opened up to the love of another man then, I don't know how much longer I would have lived in shame. But I learned that there is nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to love. And even though the members of the Church here on Earth are more than reluctant to consider it, I don't think God finds it shameful, either. How can He? After all, He made us this way and brought us together through His Church. And for that, I'm forever thankful.
So many times I've heard my father and others talk about their own missions. They say things like "It's where you truly find yourself" or "It's a life-changing experience" and "On your mission, you will being to understand and strengthen your relationship with God and the Church". Even though what I experienced on my mission is not even close to what they meant, I'd certainly have to agree with them.