Archive of Our Own ^beta

Project Quantum Leap 2001

After almost seven years of leaping backwards and forwards through time, God, fate or chance has released me from my responsibilities of righting wrongs in other people's lives and allowed me to return to my own.

Home at last, I have woken today as I have the past month, nestled in the warm embrace of my friend and lover, meeting each new day together after so long apart. I smile down at him; his sleep tousled hair and peaceful expression. Dark lashes against olive skin, eyes hidden from me now that will darken when he wakes, shine when he smiles back at me. Grimacing slightly as I ease myself out of the tangle of his arms and legs I slip silently from our bed, taking great care not to disturb him as I close the bedroom door behind me and I begin my morning routine.

Stepping into the running shower I slowly wash the evidence of Al's and my lovemaking away. Touching myself as I move my hands over my body, revisiting the sensations of the previous night. There are some things that mere soap and water cannot erase. The precious memories for instance, that are forever now firmly ingrained in my mind of those first few days home with Al.

It had felt strange at first. Everyone seemed elated that after so many years I had actually come home and in one piece. Well mostly in one piece. There seemed to be several new facets to the man I was now compared to the one who had foolishly stepped into the Project's nuclear accelerator all those years ago. But as Verbena had pointed out, the potential had always been there for me to develop further. Leaping had simply provided me with me with the necessary circumstances that had forces the new sides of myself to the surface.

Al was there as I had always known he would be, waiting for me with open arms. But there were so many new faces and for a time I felt as if I was the stranger. And in a way that was true, I was very different now. I saw life through not only Sam Beckett's time-weary eyes but also through the eyes of the many lives I had touched while I was leaping. Of the faces I remembered before I leaped, only a handful remained. Overshadowing my great joy was the news of Gooshie's sudden passing and Tina departure soon after. Deeply saddened, I felt cheated and more than a little resentful that of all the lives I had been able to help those closest to me had not been included.

As was expected the first forty-eight hours of my homecoming were filled with tests and evaluations. Verbena, in all her wisdom, had stayed with me the entire time, either running the tests herself or observing as members of her team performed others. By the end of the second day she appeared as completely exhausted as I was, having only allowed herself the same amount of rest as I was given. Standing in as both doctor and friend, she saw me through periods of extreme emotional highs and rock bottom-lows as I remembered and, in some cases, relived the leaps of the past seven years.

Al, much to his chagrin and my surprise was not permitted to stay with me while I underwent the endless hours of both psychical and mental probing. Certainly I saw him during those first few days but after our initial reunion in the waiting room it had only been through the observation window of the room in which I was being evaluated. I missed him, and even though Verbena had said it was necessary for me to have no distractions, I found myself barely able to concentrate on what was happening during the tests, no doubt slowing the process.

The last few months of leaping had been extremely tiring with the strain of separation wearing both Al and I down. Now, back in my own life all I could think of was being able to enjoy what I had been deprived of for so long. I was anxious; my fears all too real as far as the relationship I knew Al and I had begun just prior to my departure. Discovering only months ago that we had been involved on a romantic level had come out during the most traumatic and personally exposing leap we had endured over the years. Anxious, but resolved, I might add, that my fears would diminish given time to adjust. Trust was the key to any relationship and of all the people I had met before and while I was leaping I trusted no one as much as I did Al.

Evaluations complete and officially released I decided to return to my living quarters on site of the Project instead of my office. Whatever awaited me there had waited seven years; a few more hours would make very little difference now I believed. Verbena joined me in the elevator that would take me this next step of my journey home, leaving me on level three to travel to the surface alone.

Approaching what had been my home and would be again I secretly hoped that someone had aired out my rooms. Seven years of dust was not part of the homecoming I had dreamt about all the years I had been away. The clothing, which had been given to me over the past couple of days had obviously been freshly laundered, but they lacked the comfort that familiar items should have evoked in me. 'Home' felt foreign, a strange place, not at all like I had expected it to be. Honestly, I thought, as my footsteps slowed and then stopped outside of my quarters, I wasn't sure if being by myself had been such a good idea after all. Muffled sounds and light coming from under the door, now close enough for me to reach out and touch, lightened my heart only slightly; perhaps it was Al, waiting for me. I had not seen him for several hours and I was a little disappointed that he was not there when Verbena had announced me free to go.

Running my hand lightly over the sensor pad the door slid up, revealing not only Al, but mostly everyone else from the Project as well. A huge round of applause erupted as I entered, faces beaming from all sides as I was immediately set upon by those who had waited tirelessly for my return from the past. Tears spilled from my eyes and slid down my cheeks as friends old and new approached me; all offering words of gratitude for my safe return. Barely able to speak at first, I moved slowly amongst the crowd and when my voice returned I spoke to as many of them as I was able. Al was there the entire time, on fringe of each group, not too far away but seemingly out of reach for the moment. I could wait, I had to wait, I told myself each time his eyes met with mine.

Almost an hour after I had entered my quarters the press of bodies and the need for a little fresh air forced me to seek refuge outside. Excusing myself, I managed to catch Al's attention as I slipped out of the open door that led to the balcony.

The sky above me offered a sprinkling of stars. Staring up at their unwavering beauty I felt myself relax, and as I enjoyed a few moments of solitude I was reminded of the conversation I'd had with my father just prior to my setting off for college. Knowing the stars by name would always give me a connection to those I loved, he had told me. No matter where I was, all I would I have to do was look up and know I was seeing the same stars they were, making the distance separating us no longer so great. My father’s words had been a comfort to me for all the years since he'd offered them. Leaping, especially these last few months, I had made it a nightly ritual to glance at the same sky that I knew Al would be gazing at also.

Mesmerized by the peaceful complexity of the star already out, I located each new constellation as they appeared in the sky one at a time. Only rustling sounds, followed by hushed voices drew my attention back to the here and now. It took me a moment or two to actually understand what I was seeing in the shadows a few feet away from me. Suddenly feeling more embarrassed then was probably necessary, I schooled my eyes once more to the stars above me.

"Looks like they've got the right idea if you ask me, Sam." The familiar voice broke the moment. I had not heard Al's approach and as I turned to meet him the couple who had been necking happily in the corner of my balcony seconds before stepped from the shadows into the half light of where I stood. I recognized them both as new arrivals to the Project. Our introductions had been brief but memorable and now it seemed I would always remember them, as they were now, looking very sheepish and slightly dishevelled. The woman, who appeared very young and flustered, quickly buttoned her blouse as her companion offered their unnecessary apologies.

"Sorry, Doctor Beckett," he said, also adjusting his clothing. "We just stepped outside to enjoy the view, didn't realise anyone else was here."

"It’s fine Paul," I replied, trying not to look at either of them and feel like I was the young woman's father and had just caught them doing what they were. Catching Al grinning at me out of the corner of my eye, I felt myself begin to blush. "The view out here is beautiful." I said turning back toward the dessert. "I can't blame you for wanting to stay and enjoy it for as long as possible."

There were several long moments of uncomfortable silence and then with a hasty "thanks" the couple departed, leaving Al and I alone.

Moving to join me at the rail I watched my friend's smile linger as he drew a cigar from his jacket pocket, turn it over a couple of times in his hands and then return it to whence it came without lighting it. "Trying to give up." Al remarked raising his now free hand to rest tentatively on my shoulder. The pressure, so familiar and welcome made me turn into the embrace being offered. "Missed you, Sam," he whispered as he slid his other arm around my waist.

"I missed you too," I replied, nestling close. Inhaling the very essence of the man as I buried my face into the place between his shoulder and neck. Attempting to ground myself through touch and smell. "I can't believe it. Oh God, Al, it still feels like a dream," I added feeling myself overwhelmed again by the past few days. My emotions still raw from the intense exposure. Shaking, I held on to Al tightly for fear he would just vanish as he had so often in my dreams.

"Not a dream, kid. You're here, and you're safe. Thank God, you're safe." Al soothed, his voice becoming a barely audible murmur as he spoke.

Still shaking I pushed back slightly from the embrace and looked down at his dear face. It was true; I was here with him. Dark piercing eyes shone brightly, returning my gaze unsteadily. I'd seen that same expression a number of times during the last few months I was leaping and I knew what it meant. He was only seconds away from releasing the tears he was holding back, attempting to hide from me what he had for years, and now was impossible to do so. Love, unconditional and pure. There was something else there too; something I couldn't quite identify. Reaching up, I touched his cheek gently. It was dry and smooth, no trace of tears or stubble. Rolling my hand slightly, I caressed the area over Al's cheekbone and down to his chin, enjoying the texture of his skin under my hand. Forever would not even come close to describe how long it had been since I had done this.

My straying hand was caught then as Al held my fingers and raised them to his lips, bestowing a kiss on the tips of the ones he held captive. The twinkling from the corner of his eyes heralded the end of the battle he'd been waging as a single tear escaped and slid down his weathered face. I watched it fall, unwilling to break the bond Al had created between us too quickly; losing myself willingly in the obvious depths of his feelings for me.

A gentle throat clearing behind us alerted us to the fact that we were far from alone. Releasing my hand, Al stepped back as we turned to greet our intruder. Verbena stood framed in the doorway; she had changed since the last time I had seen her and now looked fresh, crisp and decidedly smug.

"I'm sorry, Al." She offered first and then "Sam" as she addressed me, smiling. "The crowd is requesting a speech, Sam. I thought you might want to come inside so that those who have an early start tomorrow could leave if they wanted."

Trust Verbena, she would have a perfectly reasonable explanation for interrupting Al and myself. Surprisingly, I was only slightly taken back by being caught out by her. She knew, after all, even if she hadn't broached the subject with me over the past couple of days. Al had told me a number of times over the proceeding months that he had discussed 'us' with her.

"We'll be right in, Verbena." I told her, feeling myself become more comfortable with my surroundings. Al at my side, it was right. How it should be. Perhaps my return would begin again what we had started before I had left. We, Al and I, would take all that was ahead of us, all I had wanted for us all the months since he had restored my memory of what we were to one another, one step at a time. This first step, I thought, reaching, finding and carefully taking Al's hand in mine, of sharing our secret with the woman who was a trusted friend to both of us hadn't been as difficult as I had imagined.

Acknowledgment of my gesture registered in Verbena's eyes, acceptance of what I knew she would support, a silent exchange, giving me so much more than any words could. Then without further comment, she left Al and me alone. "Better go in and give them what they want, Sam." Al suggested after she was gone.

Pausing, I watched as he then drew back a little, releasing my hand to retrieve a neatly folded handkerchief from the breast pocket of the jacket he was wearing to wipe first one eye and then the other.

"Will you come with me?" I asked when he was finished and the handkerchief had disappeared again.

"Sure," he smiled. "The sooner they go, the sooner we can talk."

Yes, we needed to talk, about many things, the future of the project for one. I had a few ideas on which direction I wanted things to go in, but I really needed Al's input before any decisions could be made. Most importantly, we needed to talk about us.

Feeling suddenly akin to a man standing at the edge of a great precipice, I took another step towards the future I wanted Al and I to have. Awkward in his presence as I had been so often before, I chose my words carefully. "I want that, Al, to be able to talk to you. I know that was a problem in the past, but I think you'd agree we've come a long way in that department?"

Al nodded his agreement. We had managed to find a way to communicate many of my concerns regarding our relationship since the leap when Al had divulged our secret to me. And in reality we had discussed each topic extensively as it had come up. I had discovered, or should I say remembered, a not so surprising side of Al that few had known before. When it came to talking about his feelings, he was very sincere, and honest in a way that I found, at times, difficult to imitate.

Sparing a glance in the direction of the doorway I closed the short space between us. "I love you, Al...I... “I said in a hushed voice. “ I'm not sure I have the words for everything else, but I do know that I love you and I want us to be together."

Al didn't answer and yet his always-expressive eyes told me my words had been clearly understood.

Or so I thought at the time.

"We should go in." He announced after a short pause, stepping towards the doorway and waiting for me to go first before moving to follow me.

Once I had delivered my impromptu speech the crowd thinned out markedly and within another hour only Verbena, Al and myself remained. Surveying the damage, figuratively speaking, I began to tidy up what my guests had left behind while Verbena offered to make us all coffee. Al floated between the rooms, mostly giving advice for both task, but offering little else. He was anxious, a blind man could have seen as much. His mind, like mine I suspected, was occupied with topics more engrossing than either clean-up duty or coffee-making. And I couldn't help wonder, observing him when I knew he wasn't watching me, if perhaps our impending talk was the reason he appeared as he did.

Now that time and space no longer divided us just talking would not be enough to sustain our feelings indefinitely. Al had made it very clear while I was still leaping when I finally did come home he expected nothing from me physically. And even though being intimate with another man was still a little frightening, I had realised, almost from that first moment in the waiting room, neither of us could live very long, nor be completely satisfied with that arrangement.

Breaking off my current line of thinking for want of anything that could quell my resurfacing apprehension, I redirected my thoughts more to the here and now as I wandered around my rooms, re-familiarizing myself with my home. Finding a treasure of belongings and photographs that added to my memories. Lifting each item from their resting place to closer examine them, understanding that all the time had been gone my life had been kept ready, awaiting the day I came home.

The closer relationship which had developed between Al and Verbena in my absence, was another welcome sight, one I suspected had seen more stormy patches than smooth in the years I had been away. Of the interactions I had observed so far it was clearly a comfortable friendship and not only did it supply me with the necessary distraction I needed, it also gladdened my heart to see them so at ease in one another's company. Heads close together when they spoke, gentle touches here and there as they worked together in my kitchen, both apparently knowing the other's movements before they were made.

Al's mood had improved considerably by the time I had decided the remaining disorder in my quarters could wait until tomorrow and he was laughing as both he and Verbena joined me in the living room.

"What's so funny?" I inquired as Al bent slightly in front of me, motioning for me to remove my feet from the low coffee table that separated the matching sofas so that he could set a coffee mug down. The laughter faded, replaced with a grin that could not have been described as anything other than wicked.

"Private joke, Sam. Bena has an odd sense of humour, as you know, is all." Al offered as an explanation, glancing over at the woman who had sat down beside me.

Ignoring the look from Al, Verbena gently gathered my hands in her own as she spoke. "I've left the dishwasher going, Sam," she informed me, and then added only as I realised she didn't have a coffee mug of her own. "I'm going to call it a night now."

"You don't have to leave, Verbena." I managed to say just as she closed the short distance between us and kissed my cheek.

"I know that honey, but two's company, three's a crowd, as they say.” She reminded me gently, disengaging our hands as she rose and reached across the space separating Al from us. He was on his feet a moment later, clasping her loosely around the waist with his free arm.

Feeling my face heat slightly at the innuendo underlying Verbena's remark, I was at a complete loss for how to respond or even if I should. I stood awkwardly as she whispered something to our friend and moved gracefully toward the door of my quarters. I looked to Al, a little surprised by Verbena's hasty exit only to receive a wistful smile and a shrug of his shoulders. He was the picture of innocence. Which, when you think about Al, is a contradiction in itself. I should have known better; obviously Al had something to do with Verbena's impeccable timing.

Catching up with her as the door slid open, I felt my confidence waver. She smiled knowingly at me, reading me so well. Raising a gentle hand to my shoulder, she gripped it firmly once and then released me. Her touch conveying the trust she had in me to deal with whatever would be. Turning back at Al, then once more over at me. "I'll see you both in the morning. Sleep well," she offered and then was gone.

I highly doubted that I had misjudged Al but quite plainly Verbena was comfortable with the idea of leaving the two of us alone, giving us the time she knew we needed. I don't know why I felt so panicked by her departure. To be home and alone with Al was what I had dreamed about, fantasized about for months until I could think about nothing else some nights. I trusted Al, loved him; he knew and understood my fears as well as his own.

Al had re-seated himself and was still sipping his coffee when I returned. "Are you okay?" he inquired once I had retrieved my own coffee mug from the table. It had cooled and I drained it and set it back down. Leaning back against the sofa, I looked over at Al. Much of his bravado had vanished with Verbena's departure. He looked much like I felt, seven years older, more than a little road weary and noticeably nervous.

"I’m just a little tired, Al. After the last couple of days…" I started "…and the party. Did I say thank you for the party?" I asked him. Hoping I had not completely forgotten my manners. Al had gone to so much trouble. How that he'd managed all the arrangements at such short notice was a story for another time I was sure. Despite my nervousness the thought of Al rushing about, shouting orders over the phone to caters, threatening a fate worse than death to those who failed to promise the impossible made me smile.

"It's okay Sam," he told me. "It's something I've been planning for a while now, but when you showed up the other day out of the blue I kinda had to put my money where my mouth was and organise your welcome home bash in a hurry." Al's eyes lit up as he spoke, pride enhancing his already handsome face. Reminding me how easy it was to fall in love with him in the first place. "Wasn't exactly what I had in mind but I'm glad you enjoyed it anyway," he finished shyly.

"I did Al."

"Good. I'm glad…" He nodded.

Quiet descended around us then. The sound of dishwasher going through its cycle in the kitchen occasionally interrupting the silence. It was okay I decided. I was content to just sit for the moment, stretching my arms along the shoulder of the sofa and allowing myself the luxury of simply being able to enjoy Al's company. Assured that he had arranged our privacy and would begin our discussion when he was ready. I knew there was more Al wanted to say but after the passing of several minutes it was clear the words had stalled on his tongue, refusing to be spoken. I watched, feeling slightly awkward as he opened his mouth a couple of times but nothing came out.

"What is it Al?" I encouraged gently.

"Did you mean what you said before, outside?" He asked, lifting one hand away from his coffee mug to motion towards the balcony.

"Outside?" I repeated not understanding immediately to what Al was referring.

"Yeah, when you said you wanted us to be 'together' Sam?"

I had honestly thought that my intentions were clear when I had told Al that I loved him. That he had understood what else I was trying to tell him in my own way. Regarding Al now it was obvious that I had been mistaken. Uncertainty had creased my friend's brow severely; he sat very still, his usually olive complexion, almost ashen. Similar to a man awaiting a sentence I thought and it was then that I realised that further clarification was needed.

"Yes, Al. I mean, if you'll still have me that is?" I said giving him my best smile.

Al didn't answer me straight away, ignoring my smile and for one dreadful moment in time I thought I'd made the second biggest mistake of my life.

"That’s what you want isn't it. For us to be together, start again?"

"Of course it is, Sam." He finally said, looking no less serious than he did before. "It's just that I'm not sure what being together means for you." Al paused then, taking a deep breath and another sip of his coffee before starting again.

I couldn't remember, well that's not completely true, I could remember other occasions when Al's expression had been as serious as he was now, only it had usually involved discussions around ex-wives, alimony or the like.

"Cause if its buddies, partners and pals you want Sam, then I'm your man. Or if it's going back to the way things were before…then that's okay too."

"No Al that's not all I want. Together Al, as in friends, partners and lovers, the whole deal." I said.

"You need to be sure that's really what you want Sam? Because the very last thing 'I' want is for you to feel you're under some kind of obligation to commit to me or to something you don't really want now that you're home." Al voice had taken on a pleading tone and by the time he had finished his speech he was all but begging me to rethink my declaration. He still looked so unsure, confused and for the life of me I couldn't imagine why. His usual confidence seemed non-existent as he eyed me carefully.

I hadn't counted on any resistant from Al, but for some reason it added to my resolve. I came to a decision. Words alone, no matter how heart felt they were may not persuade him of my sincerity, but perhaps actions would.

"I'm sure Al," I said firmly. Pulling myself forward on the sofa I stood up, my legs shaking slightly as I walked around the table and stood in front of him for a moment before finding the nerve to do what I did next.

Extracting Al's now empty coffee mug from him I placed it with mine, near the centre of the coffee table, out of harm’s way. There wasn't a lot of space between the sofa and the table so I carefully pushed the small furniture piece back until it nudged the sofas twin on the other side. Giving myself enough room I knelt down in front of Al. The look on his face was priceless, a mix or surprise and hope. Hope was what I wanted.

"I understand what I said Al, I meant it, with all my heart. I love you. If we are ever to have a life together then I need to let go of everything that happened before. Be with me Al, now that I'm home and show me how to be with you," I implored him from my place on the floor; meeting his eyes and holding them steadily with my own.

"I have trusted you with my life for the last seven years, you had stolen my heart long before that and now if you’re willing to be patient with me, I'm offering you the rest."

Looking down at me Al expression softened as he listened to me speak, his head tilted to one side in a familiar pose taking in my pledge and its meaning. "I don't want to put conditions on our relationship, Al, but I do want us to be honest with each other,” I told him.

Slowly Al nodded. Being completely honest with one another was the only way to deal with the remaining barriers between us. It was something that had haunted our relationship before I went away and I knew that not talking about my fears wouldn't simply make them vanish now.

"I'm a little afraid, Al. I know I shouldn't be, but I am." I added, finding it much too hard to look at him now. Resting my bowed head against Al's knees I fell silent, at a loss for what more I could say.

Time pasted, seconds became long minutes of silence as I remained unmoving at his feet, until finally I noted movement and then felt his hands on either side of my face, gently raising my head.

"It's okay." Al whispered, brushing the hair that had fallen across my eyes away. "You don't have to say any more. You don't have to do anything you don't want to, ever Sam. I love you. Please know that."

"I do Al. I know you love me and that whatever happens from now on is up to me."

Al nodded again, relieved I believed that much was clear between us. That and the ghosts from the past would not make a re-appearance here, at least for tonight. "Whatever you want," he repeated, carding his long fingers through my hair that simply wouldn't stay out of my eyes in this position.

"I want us, Al. You to bring me home." I ventured as his fingers travelled down my cheek to my lips. Stirring the same emotions in me that they had years ago, only then I convinced myself they were wrong, time and again until I had run from them and the one who had ignited them. Tonight I let Al caress me and simply let myself enjoy the sensations of his touch.

He smiled down at me, lovingly and without judgment. "Come up here," he encouraged, pulling me carefully to my feet and then guiding me to sit beside him; adjusting his own seating so that we were facing one another.

I pulled my legs up and sat as close to Al that was possible on the sofa without actually sitting on him. He smiled indulgently at me as I readjusted myself a number of times before finding just the right position.

"Are you comfortable Sam?" Al asked when I finally gave up and settled in the one spot. Knowing Al as I did I knew he liked to talk with his hands, he seemed to have other ideas though because as soon as I settled one hand slid up my raised thigh and the other found its way to the back of my neck.

"Good." He grinned, drawing me to him and resting his forehead against mine for a moment before kissing my brow lightly and then releasing me.

Sitting back again Al eyed me appreciatively, his dark eyes filled with such love and admiration as his gaze swept over me, and if it had been anyone else I would of found the close scrutiny a little disconcerting.

"Sam what you've just offered me is taking a bit of getting use to. It's not at all what I expected from your first night home." Al remarked; shaking his head a little as he spoke and giving me the impression that reality still hadn't taken hold.

"Wow kid, what a home coming gift." He added, and then more seriously. "And it is a gift Sam, make no mistake about that, very special and not to be given lightly."

"I know that Al." I assured him. "I also know that there's never been anyone in my life like you and now I have 'my life' back, I don't want to share it with anyone but you."
Once again Al listened to me speak, taking in my words and gently fingering my hair. He fell quite; thoughtful once more, enjoying, as I was the opportunity of simply being close; something that had not been afforded us for so long.

I was inclined to let Al have whatever time he needed to absorb everything we had already said to one another. It was understandable I thought. I had spent a great many hours over the last couple of days planning what I would say to him when this time actually came, where as all the time I was away Al had had the responsibility of the Project to contend with. My return had surprised everyone and I doubt, judging by his most recent reaction that Al had dared even dream I would want our association to move to the next level so quickly. In fact it was quite obvious he had been resigned to be told I'd made a very different decision.

Eventually the man beside me spoke again. The hand at my neck was withdrawn slowly and the other which had long since ceased its soothing caress joined its mate in his lap. I missed the contact immediately, after so long the ability to actually feel Al's touch was a pleasure in itself.

"I'm not sure what you want me to say right now, Sam." He finally said, not quite meeting my eyes. "This is a huge step for you, for us."

"Some people would say it's the natural progression of our relationship, Al." I returned, trying to sound both casual and confident at the same time.

"We're not talking about other people Sam, we're talking about you and me, and for us it's huge."

I couldn't argue with Al’s account for what I was suggesting, nor at that moment could I think of any other appropriate responses other than the ones I'd already given. Bending slightly to reinitiate eye contact between us I simply told Al what was in my heart. "I love you, and I want to be able to show how much."

Al's expression was one of genuine bafflement. Not that I think he didn’t believe me, but he had, I believed readied himself for a reunion of close friendship, but little else. And as we sat now, at this turning point of our new lives, I was reminded of just how much I had hurt Al in the past. Experiencing many of the same emotions I felt when I discovered our more intimate involvement months earlier. I had hurt him badly by running off to fulfil what I had thought was my destiny, ultimately abandoning him and leaving him to believe he was the reason I had risked everything, including my own life to get away.

The unreadable look in his eyes earlier, his hesitation, it all made sense now. Al was afraid; perhaps as afraid as I was and even though my leaving had only partly to do with 'us' it occurred to me that he might never be able to except that it was not 'him' I was trying to escape.

"I don't know if you realise the great honour you pay me each time you call me friend." Al said after a moment's contemplation, his voice low and full of emotion. "To hear say you love me is more than I think I deserve sometimes."

"Surely you can't believe that..."

"Sometimes." Al replied quietly, raising his hand slowly toward me in a gesture that indicated he had more to say and I should not interrupt him.

"When we met Sam, I was on my way out, God only knows why but for some reason you decided I was not as washed up as I felt. You gave me a job when no one thought I was worth having around. Pulled me out of the downhill slide I was headed on when I could already see the bottom getting closer and closer. And that was on a good day Sam, the days when I could actually see, if you get my meaning." He informed me with a shy smile.

I remembered quite clearly the man Al was describing; he was a far cry from the man in front of me and I couldn't help wondered why he felt it necessary to remind us both of times and events that were well and truly ancient history.

When I had first met Al Calavicci he had been an angry drunk, philander, and generally an accident looking for a place to happen. He made it very easy to think he was the sum of his actions and no more.

Like everyone else that knew him in those days I was suitably put off by Al's over the top behaviour and actually went out of my way to avoid him whenever possible. It was only on the day when I had intervened in defence of the Star Bright Project's only vending machine that I got my first glimpse at the man hiding behind all that rage. Al had a fire about him, smouldering and waiting for just the right cause. He had only needed a friend and time to redeem himself enough to do what he had for me. Sober and fit Al had been the champion my dream had needed to see it completed.

"Once I stopped trying to undo everything you were doing for me by just having me around I realised that I felt more for you than I should have." Al explained. "I fought it for as long as I could, certain that I must have done more damage when I was drinking than I thought. You see Sam, I had to be crazy to think a guy like me could ever had a chance with someone as straight as you."

I felt myself colour slightly, his reservations had merit. It was true; I had never had any interest in men before he had declared his love for me and in many ways I still thought of myself as a heterosexual. Al was the only man who had given me any reason to want anything different from what I had always enjoyed.

"When I told you that I was in love with you that night in Washington, I thought that I had managed to do what I had with everything else that had ever been important to me in my life, and screwed it up. But you wouldn't even let me do that." Al smiled as he spoke of the night in question, raising his right hand and gently cupping my cheek, holding me still and insuring my attention while he went on.

"No Sam that was fine too, didn't matter to you that this was another guy, your best friend who was pouring his heart out to you, it was me, and you heard me out, said you loved me too."

"I do," I breathed as Al finally closed the scant distance between us and brushed his lips across mine.

"Yeah, I'm beginning to understand that." Al whispered as his warm hand dropped away from my face and both strong arms snaked their way to my back, drawing my unresisting form to his as he kissed me sweetly on the mouth for the first time since the morning I had left him. The taste of Al, his lips gliding over mine, the smell of his cologne and the feel of his body pressed hard against me was as an intoxicating mix as ever, igniting a passion that only needed to be coaxed to completion.

"I believe you when you say you want us to be all we can to one another." Al told me, pulling back from our kiss and holding me firmly by the shoulders. "If you want me, Sam then I'd be a fool not to accept what you're offering. Honestly, kid you surprise me every day of my life." He added, grinning as he shook his head at me.

"I thought you liked surprises." I returned playfully, relieved the tension surrounding us had been replaced with a tension of another kind. One that could be easily alleviated, if only Al would take me his arms once more.

"Oh I do, Sam." Al's eyes twinkled with mischief as he spoke. Releasing me he stroked my face gently, lifting my chin and brushing the pad of his thumb across my lower lip, staring deeply into my eyes. “But I think I've had enough surprises to last me a while." And then growing serious once more. "We need to take this slow Sam, okay. I won't risk losing you again, not for anything. "

Al was right of course; anything worth doing is worth doing right. He had insisted on restraint from that first night and has been a patient and loving teacher. Taking plenty of time to reacquaint us with familiar territory before moving on. Explaining his own fears and needs as we found our way and then giving himself to me completely when the time came.

One of the many advantages of having a photographic memory is that I will always be able to recapture the details of Al's and my first time together. Replaying in my mind with perfect clarity the expression on Al's face as he loved me. The sight of his hands touching me and mine on him. The concentration and care he had taken as he took me into his heart, body and soul. Finally finding the courage to trust 'me' again and believe in the power our relationship had to transcend all that had been placed in our path.

Turning the shower spray off I step from the stall and dry myself thoroughly before adorning the robe I keep hanging behind the bathroom door. Slipping it on I return to where my lover lays sleeping, watching him closely as I extract clothing to wear for the day. Al will wake soon and our life together would begin another day. Each one like the others we have shared since my return, new and complete, reassuring me that I made the right decision when I decided to let go of my fears and take one more leap of faith and trust this beautiful man.

Leaning over Al I kiss his temple gently, pulling back I offer my morning thanks to God, fate and chance that I am here with him now. Understanding what Al had been trying to tell that first night home. Time may have separated us for seven long years but it was only time now that would give us back what we had missed. Each second is a gift, something we are meant to share for the rest of our days, and God willing they will be many.

THE END