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The day started off unusually for Seonghwa. Normally he would make breakfast with Wooyoung for everyone, but he overslept since he didn't have any schedules. So when he woke up, Yunho, Mingi, Jongho and Hongjoong had already left to go to the studio and record some songs.
San, Yeosang and Wooyoung were in the living room playing some game, when Seonghwa went to the kitchen to make at least some food for himself.
He stood alone at the counter eating a slice of bread that was almost too hard to bite off. It wasn’t that much of a breakfast but he couldn’t bring himself to eat anything more.
When he went back to his room, his thoughts turned sour. He was not useful for his pack.
Seonghwa has felt like this for the past few days. He found himself not being able to do anything for his group. The fridge, which was usually filled by him, was now almost empty except for the rest of takeouts.
The floor, normally void of any dust or dirt, filled with it.
And even worse, Hongjoong, the pack alpha, has distanced himself from Seonghwa. Like everyone seems to do these days. Yesterday he didn't even have a conversation with one of his pack mates.
Of course it all could come from the stress, but with all the others they didn't seem to have a problem with having a conversation or even some cuddling.
So why was he excluded from that all?
Hongjoong even moved the date of the recording for ‘MATZ’ as far away as he could.
Why was everyone avoiding him?
Everyone is getting farther and farther away.
He noticed that his scent turned into sour lemons instead of his usual scent that smells like citrus bonbons. So he ran into the bathroom to put on scent patches.
Seonghwa didn’t need the others to worry. If they even would worry. Maybe they forgot him already.
When he noticed his reflection, he huffed out some air in disbelief.
He looked even paler than usual, his eyes were a bit swollen and looked red, as well as dark circles under them.
Seonghwa could see the desire in his eyes disappearing further and further down.
The light in his deserted heart, that his pack was, was now disappearing in the distance.
It left a cold desert behind that was his heart now.
Well he should at least shower, maybe then he can pretend he wasn’t crying and it was just the water falling and pressing on his head.
But then again he would have to take off his scent patches. What if someone was bothered by his soured scent? He couldn’t risk the others smelling that.
What if they then left him?
It all felt like he was suffocating, he couldn’t even count the sacrifices he had to do for his group and now he felt he wasn’t one of them anymore.
He was falling endlessly.
He had tried his best to climb up somehow using all his strength, but he failed.
Heaven’s door is getting farther and farther away.
Maybe they really decided that they didn't need him anymore so now they try to think he isn't even one of them. Maybe that makes it easier for them to leave him.
Or maybe it was never difficult for them to leave Seonghwa.
Maybe they pretended to care and love him just so that they could use him.
Maybe they just started to avoid him so that he could disappear from their minds. Maybe he was too much. Yeah, he probably was. Just like all the other times.
Then he could help them one last time. Just try to act as if he didn't exist.
The only time he had to exist again was the recording of ‘MATZ’.
But after that, he was in the danger of disappearing. Into the depths. And he doubted that they could remember him. Even if it was his scream of death.
Seonghwa’s mission was to simply not exist so that the pack could forget him faster. There was no need for him to make it hard on them for not being good enough.
Those were his thoughts when he left to his room, of course only after wiping the tears away that had rolled down his face.
Seonghwa could only manage to fall into his bed.
Maybe it was his natural role to be left behind. Falling behind everyone. But then again, he had an almost perfect life, so why was he complaining?
What does he have to be sick for? What had he to complain about?
Isn’t he just one out of countless people?
Yet mentally he was forced back by a knock until he was defeated. Until he shook into the waves down, further down. Until he felt like the wind’s pressure wrapped around him.
He couldn't breathe anymore and tucked his head more into his pillow so that his tears were catched by it. He could still hear this demon in his head so he kept his head down. He couldn't escape it.
He felt like the last sunshine in his head disappeared by now, just broken lights, panic and feeling like he was tied up in chains.
Seonghwa tried to scream ‘Save me! Help me! Hold my hand, please just hold onto me!’ But in the end nothing came out of his mouth.
It wasn’t like there was anyone who wanted to hold onto him. He was just a burden in their eyes.
His body won't even make a bad sound. Just his silent cry. Nothing more, like even his body had the opinion that it didn't matter, that he suffered.
In the end it didn't matter at all. Who would care about him?
Nobody.
So after all these years, he was running away, wasn't he?
And it really taunted him. The gesture of despair tempted him. As if he could run away, run away from his problems, run away from the ones that hurt him, run away from the pack.
Seonghwa couldn't take it. Who was he to blame?
When he can’t escape it mentally he could at least escape it physically.
Why was he this way? The way that apparently nobody wants him to be.
Why was he not lovable?
Why was everything the way it was?
Why did no one love him?
Just, why?
His train of thoughts was disrupted when he could smell his own scent even through the pillow. Seonghwa shouldn't be able to even smell it. He had his patches on! Why were they used up already?
So he went to the bathroom, which thankfully was placed near his room so that his route wasn't that far. But he noticed that no noises could be heard from any of the other rooms.
They finally left him. After all this time, all the things he did for the pack, for the group, they just left. With no goodbye.
Well, first his patches, then the thoughts. So he changed out the patches to make sure nobody would have to smell that disgusting sour lemon and be reminded of his existence again.
By the gods, his eyes burned. Has it really been that long of a time that he cried?
He turned on his phone, to be informed that it was afternoon already, and that he had no other notifications.
When he took a look at the mirror it was even worse than earlier that day. His eyes were red, even more swollen now, the circles under his eyes more prominent than they were before.
He felt so lost and angry with himself.
It's no wonder that his former pack decided to leave him.
Seonghwa was the weak link in the pack. So they left that behind.
Like everyone else did too.
They all just … left him.
And he was at fault.
Why was he just so stupid? Why was he this weak? Why was he always so trusting? Why hasn't he learned his lesson yet?
Why was the universe doing this to him? He wanted to live! Why couldn't he be better?!
He would be someone's doll without a problem.
It was just that nobody seemed to want him the way he always wanted them. No one ever loved him back the way he loved them.
Glass shattered under his fist. Small cuts decorated his hand now.
Still his reflection stayed. There was no point in all that pain if he could still see that ugly reflection of his.
Seonghwa was reflected in a broken mirror. The mirror could just represent his mind at that point.
He picked up one of the shards, slumped down onto the floor and pressed the broken glass against one of his wrists.
He was defeated on the day of desire. The desire to be loved. The desire to finally be enough.
He wanted to scream ‘Mayday, mayday mayday!’
But it was too late now, wasn't it?
Everything seemed to fade out as blood slowly dripped down his skin.
Sounds fade out.
Vision fades out as the tears flow down his face.
His throat closed up at the memories of moments like this seemed to overflow his mind. So many times he had escaped to this method of comfort.
It has been so long since he took comfort in seeing his own blood flowing.
Seonghwa had been clean for years and now … now it seemed like history was repeating itself.
And all just because he wasn't enough. Because he wasn’t lovable.
“What the fuck happened?! What are you doing? We were gone for like an hour at maximum.”
Seonghwa’s thoughts only then came to a stop. That was also the moment when he noticed a hand on his shoulder shook his whole body. Frightened, he looked up, only to find a terrified San standing in front of him, and equally as disturbed looking Wooyoung and Yeosang standing at the door.
He did it again. He was a burden for them again. Worse even, he had been supposed to be their safe place as the oldest and now they saw him like this! Why was he always so stupid?! He should have locked the door.
What was his strategy in situations like this again?
Oh, yeah just avoid the topic for as long as he could and … run!
His fight or flight response was kicking in. This time it was flight, no point in fighting when his arms burned from the pain already.
So, hurriedly he crawled as far away from them as he could.
Seonghwa felt more blood flow down his wrist and it was just then that he realised that had still the shard in his hand and because of his dilemma he subconsciously had pressed it even deeper into his skin.
San again stepped next to him and tried to speak but before he could even start his sentence Seonghwa spoke up.
“Just-just leave it. It's not like any of you would care anyways. Sorry about the mirror, when I leave I will bring you a replacement for that one.”
“What?” This time it was Yeosang speaking, “What do you mean by that?”
“What is there to not understand? You don’t care about me! You left and I will be out of your way.”
Now Wooyoung spoke up, “First we should care about those … wounds and the shards before anyone else can get hurt too."
“No, leave it alone. I can take care of that all,” Seonghwa protested. It would be stupid if he let other people clean up the mess he, himself created. No he did this, so it's his responsibility. He did this to himself.
When San took a step towards him he flinched.
“It's okay. But I think we should at least help you clean up. It wouldn't be right to leave you alone right now, not after what you did to yourself. We can talk afterwards, but just please let us help you.”
Seonghwa wasn’t fond of the idea. Why should they clean up his mess? But then again, they seemed pretty upset with him already so he didn’t want to make them even angrier.
While San made it his responsibility to watch over him as Seonghwa cleaned, disinfected and finally wrapped his arms up, Wooyoung and Yeosang took care of the glass shards so that nobody could possibly step onto one or harm themselves.
Nobody said a word which didn’t really help Seonghwa’s anxiety about this whole thing. They will probably tell Hongjoong, who will then tell their management, which then is going to kick him out of the group.
It was clear even before all of this happened, that they all didn’t like him or at least didn’t want him there. So why was he surprised?
This was all his own fault. He didn’t do enough for them. He didn’t put enough effort into pleasing them. Now it was just making itself clear.
But he couldn’t afford to bother the others again. So he had to hold his tears, had to try to breathe normally.
Then after everyone was finished with their task, they sat down in the living room. Wooyoung spoke up.
“So what did you mean? Why would you leave?”
“Why wouldn’t I? You obviously just want to get rid of me so I simply comply and make it easier on you.”
Now they stared at him like they had seen a ghost. Yeosang got up to sit down right beside him, which San and Wooyoung copied.
Yeosang was definitely not pleased by something he did. Why can’t Seonghwa just stop ruining things? It isn’t that difficult, that much was obvious.
“Look me in the eyes and tell me exactly why we would want you to leave.”
But he didn’t want to look him in the eyes. Maybe because that would break him. Maybe because he didn’t want the others to see that he was so close to crying.
“Because I ruin everything. Because I am not enough. Because I should be your safe space but I am just a burden for you all. Because I do not deserve you.
Because you are everything that I am not. You as a pack wouldn’t need someone like me.”
He was trying so hard to not cry right now. It was a good thing he still had the scent patches on. Else the room would stink of sad, and maybe even rejected omega. The lemons would smell unripe and so sour. There was no need for that. No need to bother them with that unpleasant smell he couldn’t even stand himself.
“Also, please do not try to pretend like you haven’t been distancing yourselves from me lately. It’s obvious, even to me.”
If he started to cry at that point then nobody needed to know that. As long as his voice didn’t break it was all fine. Nobody would suspect a thing.
If he flinched when a hand was placed on his shoulder then nobody should worry about it. But as soon as he flinched the hand retreated.
And again he was bothering them. Why couldn’t he be a good omega for them?
“Seonghwa, please look at me and say that this is a joke”, Yeosang finally found his voice.
Instead he just shook his head. Why would he ever tell such cruel jokes?
Wooyoung then said, “We tried not to bother you in fact … We thought you wanted some time alone. You seemed so stressed that we thought it was best not to interrupt your free time.”
Now he was the one that was baffled. So this whole situation could have been avoided if he had just communicated?
“I'm so sorry guys …”
Seonghwa was crushed in a hug that left his head on Yeosang’s shoulder which led him to inhale the pomegranate scent directly from the source.
“It’s fine, darling. We are all to blame. So don’t worry your little head about it, sweetheart.”
He could finally relax. After the last few weeks he thought that this would be the last day with them. Yet they finally seeked him the same way he seeked them.
It’s not just physical contact, it’s about the comfort they get when they are with one another.
Just as innocent as a mother and her children.
San draped himself against Seonghwa’s back and put his nose near his neck. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem. But right now there were still the scent patches.
So San made a confused sound to voice his concern and question. But no one seemed to know what he wanted.
“Why did you put scent patches on, honey?” San whined. He just wanted to smell and scent Seonghwa. However the sweet scent of citrus bonbons was nowhere to be found.
“Oh ... I just didn’t want to disturb anyone with the sour smell of me being upset. But you can take them off now if you want to. I have to warn you though my scent might still be a tad sour.”
Although it was San who asked, it was Wooyoung who actually removed them. He was still sitting next to them instead of being part of the slowly growing cuddle pile.
At first the others flinched at the smell but soon began scenting him so that it would turn sweet again.
Finally, after some stressful time he was being scented. It was one of his favourite things to do. The scent of citrus bonbons, pomegranate, lavender and strawberries mixed so well. It was so familiar. So comforting.
Slowly the adrenaline that was in Seonghwa’s blood left and all that was left was exhaustion. At first he tried to resist the lure of the dreamland, but after Yeosang assured him that it was no problem if he slept for a bit, he couldn’t fight sleep anymore.
Pain was what pulled him from his slumber. Seonghwa’s first instinct was to curl himself into a ball to shield his body from it. He didn’t want to open his eyes but as someone pulled at one of his hands he finally did. Seonghwa came to face a worried looking Mingi.
“Sorry for waking you up, cupcake. I have to change your bandages.”
Seonghwa couldn’t help but wince at the statement. Why did Mingi have to wake him up for that? He just wanted to sleep but the rational part of his brain knew that no matter how hard Mingi would have tried not to wake him up he eventually would wake up from the motion or the pain. So Seonghwa settled on grumbling as an answer.
“Come on, honey, you have to at least get your arms for that. And as much as I want to promise that it won’t hurt, it probably will. From what I heard those wounds look nasty.”
Slowly uncurling his body he set one of his arms on Mingi’s lap, who now sat on the edge of the sofa. The younger one just sent him an assuring smile before starting to unwrap the bandage. It did hurt since all the blood that dried and clung to his arm and the bandage broke off and opened some wounds anew.
Seonghwa knew this process like the back of his hand from back when he had done this almost daily. But it didn’t make it hurt less. He had managed to swallow most of his whimpers and everytime one slipped out Mingi comforted him.
The disinfecting hurt even worse but he made no noise while squeezing his eyes shut. Seonghwa never did this step back then. it seemed useless to him. Finally the younger one put a fresh bandage around his arm.
“You did so good, sweetheart! Now we only have to do that all again for your other arm as well,” Mingi said with such a fondness in his voice.
Just then a new weight settled on the sofa. When Seonghwa looked up he came face to face with Yunho who held a plate with fruits on it.
“Hey there, star. I made you some snacks. After Mingi is finished with your other arm we can go to the nesting room, okay?”
Instead of answering Seonghwa leaned his back on Yunho’s chest, who just chuckled fondly and fed him some small pieces of mango and apple.
After the tedious process was finished Mingi went to the bathroom and packed away all the stuff that was used, while Yunho stood up from the sofa but was soon stopped by a tug on his sweater. When he turned around he saw Seonghwa with a pout on his lips and making grabby hands, which made him smile.
“Do you want me to carry you, sunshine?”
He just nodded excitedly and soon he was being carried by Yunho to the nesting room. In the room the younger one set Seonghwa down in the nest, yet as soon as he was let down he made his way to the closet and started searching through all the clothes. When he found what he was searching for he smiled and put it on.
“Do you feel better in Mingi’s hoodie?”, a voice he hadn’t heard yet asked. Oh Hongjoong! He hadn’t talked to him in a while. Well since he had been told that the recording for ‘MATZ’ was moved to be exact. But now he was happy to hear him so he turned around and smiled brightly and nodded.
It was a well known fact that he loved the way Mingi smelled. The soft smell of robinia was so comforting to his inner omega. Of course he liked the scent of the others too but Seonghwa found himself coming back to Mingi’s the most. Everyone else often joked that they were jealous of Mingi but they all knew that they smiled fondly when it happened again.
Seonghwa went back to the nest and curled up in it. He didn’t know if any of the others wanted to cuddle with him so he chose to stay farther away from them. Maybe they were annoyed at him for taking up so much time of their day. Maybe they still wanted to leave him. Maybe he was in fact bothering them. He just didn’t want to disturb their peace.
“Angel? Why are you so far away?”, this time it was Yeosang who questioned him with a confused voice.
“I just thought that …”, it was the first time since Seonghwa woke up that he spoke and his throat was dry, even though he just had fruits to eat.
“You thought what? Baby talk to us, please. We don’t want this to ever happen again.”, again this confused yet soft tone and that from Jongho.
“I thought that you wouldn’t want me to bother you … and that would be totally fine. I know that I can be too much.”
The second the words left his mouth the whole room seemed to tense up and the scents that had been happy turned displeased. Maybe he should have just shut up. Maybe he was right, he was too much and they all agreed. If only he could finally please them. Maybe then they would be the first to stay.
“You are never too much, love. We all love every part of you. Do you want to talk about why you said it?”
Before Seonghwa could answer Mingi entered the room and draped himself on Seonghwa’s back, as if sensing that he needed the comfort.
“Well I took up so much of your time already, I am not good enough for this pack, I don’t deserve any of you,” his voice seemed so far away from him it was as if his mind wasn’t in this room. And maybe it wasn’t. It was showing him all the times he made a mistake.
He had done so many things the wrong way. So many mistakes because he wasn’t enough.Maybe the only reason that they still hadn’t left was because they pitied him too much. Seonghwa knew somewhere in his brain that that was stupid because Yeosang had reassured him. But he could always lie.
“Please don’t leave me! I can be useful. I swear just give me a chance. I can- I can-,” he couldn’t breathe, every time he tried he choked on it. Seonghwa had begun to cry and he didn’t even realise it.
“Please don’t leave me like they did,” he said in a small voice.
Suddenly he was hugged by so many others, probably all the members. It was almost overwhelming
“We will never leave you, darling. But please breathe.” San took Seonghwa’s hand and put it on his chest and took a deep breath so that Seonghwa could mimic it. After the choking turned into soft whimpers everyone relaxed again.
“Take calm deep breaths, you will be fine after that, my love, because we will never leave you,” Hongjoong said.
“Promise? You won’t leave me?” Seonghwa still couldn’t believe that they wanted to stay.But then again all the others said that at first too, now look where that left Seonghwa.
“We all promise you, cupcake. Because we want to spend our time with you.” Mingi wrapped his arms even tighter around him as if to prove his point.
“We will stay until you don’t want us anymore, angel. Because you are too good for us.” Yeosang planted a kiss on his forehead, this time to definitely prove his point.
“We will keep scenting you until eternity, my love. Because we know how much comfort you get in it” Hongjoong scented him with his eucalyptus smell, again to prove his point.
“We will continue to cuddle you daily, sunshine. Because we know how much you mean to us.” Yunho snuggled even closer to him.
“We will keep spending our time with you, baby. Because we find as much comfort in you as you find in us.” Jongho squeezed his hand tighter.
“We will continue to create inside jokes, sweetheart. Because we want you to be happy.” Wooyoung took the Seonghwa’s hand that was still unoccupied and kissed each fingertip.
“We will continue to be by your side, honey. Because we all love you more than we could ever comprehend.” San nuzzled their noses together.
“I love you all so much,” Seonghwa said with so many emotions in his voice.
“We love you too, star. Remember that the thoughts in your head are not always correct. Do not always believe them, especially the negative ones.”