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Of the handful of first dates that Umino Iruka had been on, it was generally frowned upon to get kidnapped before arriving at the appointed location at the appointed time. Iruka had been looking forward to the date -his first in so many years - and he was not pleased by the turn of events.
It had taken months of pep talks, and multiple shitty beers with Anko, Kotetsu and Izumo - basically anyone who would listen to him whinge about his Hokage Rock-sized crush on their resident jounin rockstar and the sure impossibility of Hatake Kakashi even remotely having any sort of affection for him - to even set the date.
“Well, you won't know for sure until you ask!” Anko had snapped, fed up and flicked a peanut that. “I swear Iruka, if you don't tell him, I will.”
“And if you don't, we will,” Kotetsu and Izumo had chimed in.
Nearly the whole village had been involved for Iruka to finally confess like some lovesick fool at the gates before his crush set off for a mission. That had been a week ago and Iruka had been looking forward to his date.
His kidnappers were going to be toast once Iruka freed himself.
When Iruka came around, he was in an upright position in a chair (how considerate of his kidnappers) and his head throbbed painfully. Ow. There was an eco bag tied on his head that smelt faintly of onions, and in the dimming sunlight, the sakura pattern on the bag glowed gold.
There was pressure around his wrists where his kidnappers used chakra wire. If the red glow of the wire through the bag didn’t clue Iruka in, the headache certainly did. Iruka subtly shifted his wrist and winced as the bones ground together. No good, his kidnappers had used an obscene amount to subdue him.
Kidnapped in Konoha; that was one of Iruka's fears. There had been numerous cases of enemy nin sneaking in and wrecking havoc: kidnapping, torture, murder. Iruka had known acquaintances that had been affected by enemy. Of friends, family, and lovers gone missing. Some to return; some were gone forever.
None of that was news to Iruka. He had graduated his first class of would-be kidnappers, torturers, and murderers, and was gearing up to graduate his second class next year.
And now it was his turn.
It wouldn't take long before his kidnappers realised he was awake. Tilting his head and taking slow onion scented breaths, Iruka surveyed the damage over one leg. His legs were bound at the knees to the chair and ankles to one another with excessive loops but tied in neat knots. If he could somehow manipulate and wriggle free from his wrists, the rest would be easy… ish.
He had been walking back to the staff room, distracted by his thoughts when all of a sudden he had been attacked.
Rationally, Iruka was running the gamut of questions: Who, What, Where, When, How, Why? He had a pretty good suspicion about the who, where and when, and a strongly developing theory of the how and the why. He just needed an escape plan.
Irrationally, Iruka cussed silently at the timing of it all.
“You can stop pretending to be unconscious now, sensei.”
Iruka fought the urge to stiffen. He’d been found out. Even with the attempt to deepen his voice, that was definitely the last Uchiha of Konoha.
He licked his dry lips, hoping to buy some time as he quickly thought of an escape plan. “I have to give you marks for keeping a blindfold over my head,” Iruka began. “Next time, you should try using a less distinctive patterned eco bag… Sakura . Sasuke.”
There was a squeal, then a grunt, followed by Sasuke’s hiss to shut up.
Iruka smiled behind the bag. Rookies were going to be rookies making mistakes. He didn’t usually keep tabs on Team 7’s mission log, but so far none of their mission reports had mentioned anything about kidnapping (outside of that one unfortunate incident with a pet cat named Tora). This was a valiant attempt at their first proper kidnapping. He would have to pass along his notes to Kakashi about working with the kids on hiding their identities better.
“Since it is just the two of you,” Iruka continued conversationally, shifting a little in his seat, “I take it Naruto put you up to this.”
“Don’t say anything,” Sasuke said.
But Sakura beat him to it with: “Yes.”
“You idiot!”
“I'm sorry, Sasuke-kun!”
Iruka took the opportunity while they bickered to test the bounds of the bag. His ponytail swooshed against the sides, and if he kept shaking perhaps the knot at the bottom would loosen enough for him to—
He was getting dizzy and stopped. “Please remove the bag, Sakura.”
“Oh! Right. Sorry, Iruka-sensei. Here let me…” Sakura apologised as soon as she carefully unhooked the bag from over Iruka's ponytail.
They weren’t in his usual classroom and it was just the two of them. The sun was just about finished setting. If Iruka could escape from the overzealous bonds, he could still make his date. Clearly, Sakura and Sasuke had gone for security rather than economy of materials.
Sakura looked appropriately contrite, contorting the shopping bag around her fingers. “Sasuke-kun and I…” She glanced furtively at Sasuke, a blush on her cheeks. If only he received one ryo for the number of times Iruka had seen little umbrellas with S and S underneath, written into the margins of homework assignments…
“What gave it away?” Sasuke demanded, ignoring Sakura. There was a single minded determination to improve that Iruka had always admired about his former student.
“About what?”
Sasuke fixed him with A Look. Was he pouting? Iruka suppressed the urge to grin. It was endearing that even a year unto Kakashi's tutelage it had not broken Sasuke’s little habit.
“This, ” Sasuke eventually concluded, punctuated by folding his arms.
“Well…” Iruka couldn't resist making his unfortunate kidnapping into a teaching moment. It didn’t stop Iruka from wondering where he had gone wrong; he thought he had taught them better than that. “We’ll come back to that. Let me pose this question to you. If you knew that a school teacher had been kidnapped, where would you first go to gather clues?”
“The school,” they answered in unison, and then seemed to process their answer. They shared a look. “Oh.”
“Which is why…?”
“We need to move you to a secondary location.” Sakura nodded to herself, and then looked consideringly at Sasuke. Iruka couldn't really fault Team 7: an adult male body would have been difficult to move with just the three of them (assuming that Naruto was the mastermind behind this) and without arousing suspicion.
Iruka's smile was proud. “That’s right.” They just needed to learn from it. Draw the right conclusions and carry this one lesson with them as they transition from genin to chuunin and beyond. Maybe Iruka ought to have a few more words with Team 7’s jounin teacher…over a bowl of ramen or two… like on a date… ( don’t blush Iruka, don’t you dare) .
“Let’s go.” Sasuke said without delay, inspired.
“Where are we going, Sasuke-kun?”
Iruka’s eyebrows rose towards his hairline when Sasuke smirked and came to stand in front of Iruka. He replied, “I have just the secondary location, Iruka-sensei.”
“What makes you think I will come quietly?”
“You already have,” Sasuke said, eyes glowing ominously red.
“Oh, I'm so sorry about this, Iruka-sensei…”
The genjutsu was well done, illusions woven around him like fine gossamer. When Iruka finally clued in and awkwardly dispelled it, he found the truth behind Sasuke’s unknown location.
It was an empty bakery. Empty shelves where bread once stood, warm and inviting, waiting to be taken home. Iruka was tied to a chair facing the street, hands and legs bound still by chakra wire. The large glass window had a peeling decal of a cartoon loaf of bread dancing in front of the Uchiha clan logo and the floor this time around was unfamiliar.
[ Image Description: A drawing of Iruka tied to a chair inside a room with light coming from the left. He is facing to the left, but with his face turned to the viewer. He is wearing the blue konoha uniform and his hair on his signature ponytail. He is tied down with red rope in two places: across his chest and with his hands behind his back, and with his knees and shins tied to the front legs of the chair. His expression is flushed and serious. ]
Iruka had never been to the Uchiha Complex before. As the last of the day faded into the night, there was an… eerie calm stillness that didn't quite sit right. The street lights were starting to come on outside, casting shadows over where unsettled ghosts roam. This place was once the primary hub for a thriving clan. It should be filled with kids laughing and gossiping aunts, not this mausoleum. Sasuke shouldn't be living here alone with the ghosts and phantoms. It wouldn't do his mental health any good.
Sasuke sat on the ledge where once an enticing bread display would have lived, backlit by the lights coming on. His hands were laced together in front of his mouth, and he was staring at Iruka with an unnerving focus. Stoic, alone, and unmovable. It was all very dramatic.
There was no hint of his Team 7 accomplice.
“Where's Sakura?”
“You can take a guess, Iruka-sensei. You might be right—” Sasuke smirked, pulling his hands away from his mouth and then continued with a hint of humour, “And you might be wrong.”
Iruka's eyebrow twitched. Why were there so many sarcastic little shits in his life? Between the Team 7 members, there was only one set of alive parents between them. It was likely that she was at home, eating a home cooked meal by Mr or Mrs Haruno in a warm house.
“Is she getting the tools needed to cut me free from this wire?”
“Try again.”
“Fetching Naruto so I can yell at all three of you at once?”
Sasuke shrugged nonchalantly and resumed his position with hiding his hands.
It was clear that Sasuke was excellent at deflecting and resisting. He wasn't caving any time soon. Iruka had to employ a different tactic. He cleared his throat, and then said, “Will you tell me why you kidnapped me then?”
Sasuke scowled behind his hands. His jaw worked, trying to speak, and then seemed to think better of it. “No, Iruka-sensei. You probably have that one figured out early by seeing Sakura and I and not the usuratonkachi .”
Iruka sighed. It was time to change tactics. Make an appeal from one orphan to another. He knew what it was like to grow up alone. He knew what it was like to lose family and be stared at with pity. He understood all that.
“Sasuke—” Iruka began, wondering how many other orphans had slipped through the cracks. “Do you live here by yourself?” Iruka frowned looking at the empty shelves filled with dust, the broken glass still on the floor. It was one thing to become an orphan overnight, but to lose your extended family as well? Iruka could sympathise. The Konoha system had failed so many of their children.
“Hn.”
“You shouldn't have to. You know between missions, I have a spare room and there is plenty of space for you and Naruto to share.” Naruto might squawk and carry on like it was the end of the world about sharing his room, but Iruka knew Naruto's heart of gold would be receptive to the idea. He was a good kid like that.
“Do you usually offer your home to all your kidnappers?” Sasuke asked. He seemed to consider Iruka's words seriously.
“Only the ones I know.”
“Hn.”
There was a long beat of silence before Iruka asked, “Are you going to keep me here for long?” Iruka subtly tested the chakra wire, hiding the pressure on his wrist. “I’m sure you have much better things to do than spend an evening guarding me.”
Sasuke looked thoughtful but otherwise didn’t give anything away. He was a much harder nut to crack than either Sakura or Naruto would have been.
“You may as well let me go. I have homework to mark.” And a date he was heinously late for… There was only one way to slip out of the wire now and that was to dislocate his own thumb. Damn , who taught these kids how to knot chakra wire? (Oh, right. It was him. Iruka only had himself to blame.)
“Heh! So you can go back to your date with Kakashi?” Sasuke rolled his eyes.
Ah. So it was about that.
Iruka’s face warmed and he cleared his throat awkwardly. When he had decided to tell Naruto about the possibility of him seeing Kakashi on a romantic basis, he should have expected something like this could happen. “Kakashi-sensei? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Don’t you, Iruka-sensei?
Iruka laughed nervously as Sasuke read him like an open book. Were his kids always this perceptive? If giving Sasuke the slip meant he could salvage what could have been a very pleasant evening… a dislocated thumb was the least of his worries.
“I have my orders and I'm not letting this mission fail because I let you g —”
The rest of his sentence was drowned out by an impending wall of noise. The decibels grew louder by each passing second. “—sukeeee!!!!”
Sasuke’s eyes widened in surprise (and just a little glad at the timing before he had to dislocate something). There was no denying the owner of that distinctive yelling.
Naruto, his very out-of-breath chaotic whirlwind of orange of an adoptive son/little brother, skidded into the shop through the door.
“Mission abort!! Kakashi-sensei found out!!”
Sasuke’s demeanour immediately changed. “You idiot. How did he find out?!”
“Don't call me an idiot, you… you idiot!!”
Just seeing that cheeky little face made Iruka's blood boil and he sharply inhaled, filling his lungs with air, and then unleashed — headache be damned. “NARUTO!!!”
“Ack!! Iruka-sensei! Hahahaha, fancy seeing you here…” Naruto scratched at his cheek with a finger, looking sheepish. A blush was making its way over his face.
Sasuke added to the noise. “I can't believe it. I knew you were going to screw it up, you moron.”
“Hey!! I did not!”
“You probably lead Kakashi straight to us. Did you think about that?”
“I totally did! I think all the time!!”
“You are in so much trouble, young man. You too, Sasuke . ” Iruka seethed, emphasising to Naruto and Sasuke the gravity of each word. He was not going to buy a bowl of Ichiraku for Naruto for a… A long while! Iruka vowed. For however long it took to clear up any misunderstanding with Kakashi. No Ichiraku and only the worst D-ranks for Team 7 for a month at the very least.
Naruto whined. “It isn't my fault.”
“Isn't it?”
“I mean, if you reaaaaaaaaally think about it—”
“Don't—” Sasuke’s warning came too late.
“— it's really your fault that I had to!”
The sound of Sasuke’s face-palm was drowned out by Iruka's screech of fury. It was a good thing that Team 7 had done such a good job of restraining him. How dare that little shit cockblock him? Naruto had no idea how hard it was to find someone who matched Iruka’s stringent criteria for a partner.
“ My fault?”
“Yeah!! You should find someone better than that pervert.”
Iruka sincerely doubted that. If anything, Kakashi was the one who should find someone better. Someone who was a jounin, or a hunter-nin, or a part of ANBU.
“I was rather of the opinion that Iruka-sensei can choose that for himself,” Kakashi weighed in, seemingly appearing from nowhere.
“Ehhh!! Why is Kakashi-sensei here?” Naruto yelled, looking torn between making a run for it and standing protectively in front of Iruka.
“Because you obviously lead him to us, dobe. ”
As Sasuke and Naruto shouted at one another, Iruka’s bounds suddenly released. Warm, scarred fingertips rubbing circulation back into his wrists. This close, Iruka felt his heart skip a beat, his face flared hot. (Iruka tried desperately to ignore the tingle running up and down Iruka's arms, the little hairs standing on end at the casual intimacy of Kakashi’s touch).
“Are you alright, Iruka-sensei?”
The concern on display was endearing. Iruka found himself smiling - a part in relief and a part something else . “It is about time. I expected better from Konoha's greatest of all time.”
Kakashi eyesmiled in response, warm fingertips rubbing circulation back into Iruka's wrists. “Maa. I got waylaid by pesky students running interference.”
“Try not to make a habit of it, Kakashi-sensei,” Iruka responded, standing up so he could look at Kakashi properly. Kakashi still hadn't let go of Iruka’s wrist. Honestly, the butterflies inside his stomach had to stop. No one else had ever managed to make him feel like a giddy teen just from a simple touch.
“Only if you promise to stop being kidnapped by some rookies who don't know what they’re doin—”
“HEY!” Naruto shoved his way between them, batting away Kakashi’s hand. He threw out both of his arms like he was trying to hold them both back. Iruka was strangely endeared by that action. “YOU CAN DATE SOMEONE ELSE. JUST NOT IRUKA-SENSEI.”
Iruka's being throbbed and he bopped Naruto lightly on the head. “And does Iruka-sensei get a say in this?”
Naruto whined, squatting down and clutching at his bump. “But Irukaaaa… I… What if…” Here he was, a little boy, seemingly all lost and abandoned and—
Ah. Therein lay the problem. Iruka had Naruto all figure out.
Naruto had come to rely on Iruka as his Rock. Iruka was the sole Person he returned to in Konoha. Iruka hadn't been anyone's constant in a long time - he had almost forgotten what that felt like.
Iruka squatted down, meeting Naruto at eye level and gently pulled away Naruto’s hands. “Hey, nothing's going to change between us just because I might be seeing someone.”
“Really?” Naruto's blue eyes shone with unshed tears.
“Yeah. I promise. Sure, Sasuke might come visit, or stay over if he wishes — we will have a talk about that — but you will always, always, have a home with me. Oof!” Naruto had flung himself around Iruka's neck, burying his not-so-little face into the padded leather of Iruka’s flak jacket with a wail of Iruka’s name and some waterworks.
Still a kid, Iruka thought with a smile and gently petted Naruto’s hair. “It’s going to be okay.” The future was bright. Iruka believed it would all work out… somehow.
“How about we all get some ramen at Ichiraku?” Kakashi suggested after a long moment, after Naruto’s tears had slowed into hiccups and Iruka had wiped away the snot with the sleeve of his mission blacks. “Maa, I’ll even buy.”
With a generous offer like that Naruto whooped with joy, his smile full of delight and less fear, and immediately challenged Sasuke to a race on the rooftops.
Iruka and Kakashi followed their trail of dust at a more sedate pace; Iruka was glad to leave behind the coldness of an empty clan compound and to hear the sound of the village again.
“I’m sorry.”
“Hmm? What for?”
“This wasn’t how I thought our date would go.” Iruka winced. Iruka ought to have anticipated that dating someone - anyone , let alone THE Hatake Kakashi - would come with complications. Who would have thought? Iruka’s dating profile should come with a warning for overprotective jinchuuriki and a penchant for adopting strays.
Kakashi didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he didn’t seem phased by it. “I knew it would be remarkably memorable going on a date with you, Iruka-sensei.”
Iruka’s face was once again ablaze. “Eh? Uh. Oh…”
“Did you know Naruto asked me for my intentions?”
Iruka’s eyes widened. “Your intentions?”
“About dating you,” Kakashi clarified, tucking his hands into his pockets and tilting his head up to look at the night sky. “I told him that I had mostly impure—”
“Impure!!!” Iruka squeaked.
“I suppose we will never find out what my intentions truly are,” Kakashi chuckled, turning to look at Iruka in a way that surely couldn’t have been good for his neck, “since we technically have not gone on our first date yet.”
“Then,” Iruka offered out his hand, “let's find out together.”
Kakashi took it, bringing Iruka’s hand up to his lips and brushing the inside of Iruka's wrist with his surprisingly soft mask. “I do like the sound of that.”
“HURRY UP, IRUKA-SENSEI!” Naruto squawked from the rooftops and then seemed to nearly fall when he noticed what they were doing. “EWWWWW. STOP TOUCHING HIM, KAKA-SENSEI!! THAT’S GROSS.”
“Better get used to it, you little brat!” Iruka hollered back and then turned to grin mischievously at Kakashi. “Because I am very curious about those impure thoughts of yours.”