Work Text:
"every time we say goodbye.."
*
going from roommates with occasional dates,
to lovers with passionate interactions,
right back to strangers again.
*
i felt weird accepting your hospitality. I didn't earn this myself. or I did.
technically?
I did the designing after you did the research. i implemented the cultural design after you told me what cultures it had to represent. we both did our part. so did I?
did I really?
it's hard to accept.
but you'd never know.
you just wanted to help.
help an old friend after months.
months and seeing him drunk, double bent over the path, giving up on himself.
you were an anchor from the unforgiving sea of doubt.
and oh how long it would take me to realize that.
*
spending hours tangled in each others arms,
basking in the sweet affection we labeled as 'comfort', when, in truth, it was 'love'.
too scared to admit, too scared to commit
but we were happy
you were happy
that's all that mattered.
that's all we cared about.
hand on hair, eyes meeting eyes
we would curl up to eachother
finding a blossoming familiarity with eachother
the petals as delicate as our fragile mentality
the petals carefully peeling off the flower,
layer by layer,
you got to see pure emotion,
raw vulnerability,
pure you, pure me.
*
my fingertips brush the words against the page, wishing it was your hair
I could be truthful around you.
i know I never sugarcoat my words, but at most i was polite, and had my priorities set.
with you, my rambles would go on endlessly. evolution of human life. entomology. the fine arts. you were indulged in it all, and even supported it.
fascinating.
how one human can be so.. raw.
I had seen you smile, cry, bleed, coo those sugar-sweet words to me.
I suppose i always liked that about you.
your 'realness'.
honest, compassionate, yet I heard about all your troubles. good communication.
complex for a man, yet as strong as a warrior.
i was a bee to your nectar, to your warmth.
and i shall always be.
a bee always seeks out something,
it has a purpose,
and now, to you
do i have a purpose?
*
finding you
alone
tapping the table
trying to suppress your desires
was heart shattering
I quickly reassure you,
it's alright to stim
it's natural
it's not harmful.
and I helped you purchase things to help
what went from clenched hands,
went to relaxed tapping on a small clicker
the clicking surprisingly brought me comfort
a sound that assured your comfort
your relaxed state
and the trust we had so meticulously crafted.
yet, the clicking stop
gone with the wind, maybe
I'll never fully know.
and i shot up.
peeling myself off the bed
i walk to the bathroom
in the dim light
I look at the shell of the man who i used to be
and had to remind myself it was a dream.
*
the small imitation of a switch lay in my drawer
dust shrouding it, tarnishing it's custom paint
I refuse to look at it.
to use it.
to touch it.
even if I so wanted to.
even if I so wanted to hold you in my arms
to grab you close and cry,
feel your body against mine in a rush of emotions,
know you're with me still,
to let myself be raw again,
and yet, I let myself go
we let ourselves go.
you, regardless of where you are, might not even miss me,
but I need you.
like a fish to water,
bee to a flower,
maybe a mourning flower.
they always complimented you nicely.
i miss seeing that.