Work Text:
You can kiss a hundred boys in bars,
Shoot another shot, try to stop the feeling.
You can say it’s just the way you are,
Make a new excuse, another stupid reason
......
Tion’s face was numb and burning on account of all of the shots he had taken leading up to this moment. It only burned hotter the moment Kaiji marched over and pulled him into an intense and jealousy fueled kiss. The brunet was the first to pull away. He wrapped an arm around Tion’s hip and squeezed, clearly having downed plenty of his own liquid courage. Kaiji smirked at the blonde, “Hey, handsome, are you ready to show me that private spot you mentioned?” The paladin’s ears burned as Kaiji mimicked his earlier actions by trailing his finger down his bicep. He hated that he liked it.
Eoin, the mysterious ginger man Tion was just attempting to bed, raised his eyebrows as he glanced between the two. Tion bashfully looked away, balling his fists while Kaiji continued to make a show of ogling over him. The red-head finished the rest of his drink in one gulp and mumbled, “I’ll see myself out.” Kaiji almost gleefully watched as the would-be notch on Tion’s belt stumbled out of the inn.
Tion’s thoughts were racing a mile a minute, as he bounced back and forth between an ill-timed joy, anger, and embarrassment. The only thing faster than his thoughts were his actions, as he pushed Kaiji off of him. His cocky smile now gone, the smaller man looked up at Tion, his face littered with resentment, the cheerfully drunk demeanor he wore earlier was completely gone.
“What the fuck was that?” He hissed out at Tion, loud enough for a few other bar patrons to take notice. Tion tried to ignore them as he shot back.
“What in the hells are you doing?” Tion grabbed Kaiji’s shoulder and pulled him close, growling lowly.
“You can’t just go around trying to sleep with every ginger you meet.” Kaiji continued to raise his voice. His arms were crossed and his face read very stoically, but his tail flicking back and forth gave away his anger.
Tion rolled his eyes and turned back to the bar, finishing his drink and dropping a few coins in the cup. “Why? We’re not together.” He picked up his traveling pack by the strap as he started to leave, but not before leaning in close to his wizard friend, “You’ve made that very clear.” The paladin stormed out into a scene that perfectly matched his attitude. Dark, gusty, and pouring rain.
“Tion!” Kaiji called from behind him, “I already told you I didn’t want to kiss Wayland!” He already heard this excuse and didn’t like it. Whatever reasoning Kaiji had didn’t stop Tion from leaving, so he kept chasing. “What did any of it mean!?”
The paladin stopped walking and turned to look over his shoulder. There was Kaiji, standing out in the pouring rain, his hair wet and matted against his face, his ears laid flat against his head in what was either aggression or submission. Tion’s heart skipped a beat for a second, ‘Does he want it to mean something?’ He shook his head, trying to keep from over analyzing this. ‘He doesn’t care.’
“What does what mean?” He shouted back, arms thrown out dramatically.
Kaiji started towards him, counting off each of his fingers, “All the late night visits. All of your words. These fucking rings!” The brunet threw his left hand in the air, the platinum ring on his finger glistening even in the overcast weather. It was a drunken ramble, Tion knew, but he couldn’t understand how Kaiji could remember all of this. All of the things not even Tion remembered. Lingering touches and kind words. With each memory, Kaiji got closer and closer until they were just a breath apart. “You said you wouldn’t leave me.”
......
“You said you wouldn’t leave me!”
“Arlyn, I-”
Tion watched as his friend abruptly stood from his makeshift log seat and began to pace back and forth. It was usually quiet in this part of the woods, but now the air was filled by the sorcerer’s leaf crushing and twig snapping.
“You know how the Crownsmen treat magic users!”
“Some of them, yes, Arlyn, but I can-”
“You can what? Change that? Throw your money around and teach them the value of love and friendship and suddenly everything will be okay?” Tion noticed that the ground began to smoke where the half-elf stood. Tion slowly came to his feet as his friend continued on. “If you leave, who will I have here? People used to beat on you because you can heal with your magic. What do you think they’ll do to someone who can destroy?”
Tion knew the answer already. He could still smell the burning wood of Arlyn’s first home. It was three years ago now and thankfully, no one was hurt, but he knew Arlyn couldn’t sleep through the night anymore. At least not without him.
“Then come with me.” The boy took his friend’s hands in his, holding them to his chest. The half-elf looked at their fingers intertwined as if he was considering it before he ripped away, turning his back to the blonde.
“I can’t just leave my family.”
Tion walked around, putting himself in Arlyn’s view, “We can bring them! Or they can stay here and move into my house! We have the room, I just have to speak to my father.”
Arlyn sighed, “You don’t get it, Tion.”
“Why? Why don’t I get it? Explain it to me then.” Tion’s arms were splayed open in exasperation, begging for any real reason why this couldn’t work. He knew Arlyn wouldn’t like the news, but he hadn’t expected the conversation to become this difficult. Tion was aware of the quiet rumors that the occasional Crownsman abused their power. He was also aware of the anti-magic beliefs held by many of them, even in the city, as hypocritical as it seemed. Tion wanted to be the one to change that, somehow in someway.
His friend didn’t respond, he simply looked away and ignored the question.
Tion laughed in disbelief. “No worries, mate, I think I understand now. I’m supposed to stay down here, by your side, and abandon everything I’ve ever wanted, just so I can play guard dog, is that right?” Arlyn’s eyes darted back to his friend, burning with resentment. Tion let out a sigh, paced in a circle, then approached again with a softer look. “You don’t need me Arlyn, you are not weak. If you're not coming with me,” Tion bit down on his lower lip, deciding if he wanted to go through with this right now,“please wait for me.”
There was a moment of silence between the two. Not even birds or the wind dared to interrupt it. Tion kept expecting his friend to say something. A ‘yes’ or a ‘no.’ Anything other than this uncomfortable silence where he couldn’t even bring his eyes to Tion. Like the blonde had ruined something sacred.
“Arlyn,”
“Don’t say it.”
“I’m in love with you.”
The half-elf looked at Tion briefly, his dark skin reddening with frustration. Tion only noticed how round his irises were, and how his pupils almost disappeared in the darkness they held. Tion wanted nothing more than to go back in time to before he said any of this, just so he could hold onto those eyes a little longer.
“I’m sorry.”
No one said anything, but then, “Don’t come looking for me when you leave. I think this is already goodbye.” Arlyn said, barely hiding how his voice wavered. Either way it all came out cold to Tion.
“Wait,” Tion reached out to his friend, who stopped to briefly look at him. Tion was comforted by the fact that Arlyn had the grace to wait for him, even if it was only for this moment and nothing longer. “Please, think about it.”
Arlyn’s eyes darted to every part of Tion, and the blonde grew embarrassed of the fact that this is how he’ll be remembered by his best friend (his only friend), red-faced and begging.
“I’ll think about it.” The young half-elf turned away and left. His last words repeated over and over in Tion’s head for days later. Tion hoped he would think about it, that any moment a knock would come to his door and everything would have worked out. He knew he wouldn’t.
......
Tion blinked and he was back here, back in the pouring rain, with an otherworldly threat hanging over his head instead of warm sunlight peeking through the canopies. Kaiji was so close to him now, and Tion couldn’t figure out if it was tears or rain streaming down his cheeks.
“You want to know why I gave you this?” The paladin threw his pack to the ground, and grabbed Kaiji’s left wrist, holding it firm but raising it gently. He made it a point to lean down to be eye level with Kaiji, and when his voice came out it was almost unrecognizable. “Because you are weak.” The paladin took off his own ring and closed it in Kaiji’s hand, turning to leave again.
Kaiji started yelling in what Tion assumed was Aurwadese. He couldn’t pick out any of the words he was saying and he wasn’t sure he wanted to. Before he could get too far, Tion felt something small and hard pelt the back of his head. Tion’s hand shot to where he had been hit, a stinging fresh against his scalp now. He turned around and saw Kaiji, tail lashing back and forth, violently. At Tion’s feet, sitting in the wet dirt, was his ring. His brow furrowed as he picked it up, his fist clenched around it.
“Fucking keep walking! I don’t need you!” Kaiji raised his left hand in the air and slid the ring he was given off his finger, then threw it to the ground.
Finally, all the competing thoughts and feelings culminated into one gripe in Tion’s head. “No, you don’t need me! Only when it’s convenient, right?!” The brunt of all of Tion’s emotions came out in full force as tears started to stream down his face while his voice cracked under the pressure. “You only want me when you need something! When you’re drunk! Or when you’re hurt! Or-!” Tion watched as Kaiji stood silently, a familiar image of what happened the last time he allowed himself to be this vulnerable with someone. “You can’t keep using me!” He bellowed out, as his whole body shook with anger. Tion glared through his tears and droplets of rain clouding his vision. From what he saw, Kaiji glared back. Tion left without another word.
He didn’t see Kaiji pick up the ring from the ground and tuck it away.
Tion wasn’t sure where he was marching to, but he kept on his path. ‘You idiot. You keep letting this happen. Why do I keep letting this happen?’ Eventually he came upon a bench and sat down, holding his head in his hands as he tried to sort out everything he was thinking. ‘He only kissed you because he was jealous. Stupid.’ The paladin wasn’t alone for long until his cousin, Nehra, had somehow found him. She snuck beside him and quietly sat down next to him. The rain had mostly stopped now but Tion’s hair remained slick against his forehead and his clothes clung to his skin uncomfortably.
He felt Nehra place a hand on his back before she spoke, “Do you want to talk about it?” In an instant Tion crumbled into a blubbering puddle, falling into Nehra’s arms that could just barely reach all the way around him. Every word he attempted came out as a tearful choke until he gave up trying to speak all together.
“It’ll be okay.” Nehra patted her cousin’s arm as he cried into her lap. “Are you ready to go back?” Tion raised his head and saw that Jerrico and Wayland were awkwardly standing in front of them, doing everything in their power to not look at Tion. He appreciated the gesture of them pretending not to see but it didn’t make him any less humiliated, as everyone knew how loud he was crying. Tion nodded and stood, solemnly apologizing for snotting on Nehra.
She simply shrugged it off, “It happens.” Before they could follow the colorful fairy and rogue, Nehra reached up to brush Tion’s hair back from his forehead. She rested her hands against both of his arms and gave a gentle squeeze. “Whether it’s me, him, or the fucking raven for all I care, talk to someone when you’re ready, okay?” Tion nodded in response, then followed Nehra back to the inn the group had chosen for the evening while Tion and Kaiji had their squabble.
When they arrived, he saw Kaiji inside, sitting by a central hearth in the back of the building. Mago and Tabernus were close by, the goliath adding wood onto the fire and Tabbs combing clumps of mud out of Kaiji’s tail. At first sight, Tion felt a pang of guilt strike him through the core, and he about almost ran to the brunet to let out a million apologies. Then Kaiji turned and upon seeing Tion, gave him such a hate-filled look that all of Tion’s regret and sorrow was replaced by his own anger. Tion huffed and approached the innkeeper, purchasing a room for himself and locking away.
For the rest of the night all the lingering touches and kind words were replaced by images of Kaiji kissing Wayland. All the times Kaiji had pulled away from him were all he thought of. Every intimate memory was followed by the reminder that they were drunk or had just almost died, or had just been reminded of Cyrus.
Consumed by anger, Tion threw a wooden chair into one of the room walls. The chair broke apart and splintered on impact, probably a combination of shoddy workmanship and the sheer amount of force Tion had thrown it with. Staring at the broken pieces on the floor, Tion collapsed into himself again, sobbing into the hem of his shirt. One question loomed over his head for the rest of the night.
It hadn’t changed since Arlyn, or his uncle. It hadn’t changed since he was in training for the Crownsmen, using his body to gain favor of others or to avoid being at the bottom of the pecking order again. It hadn’t changed since swearing his oath to a God and kingdom to utilize him in winning wars and spreading faith. Why would it change with Kaiji?
‘What good am I,’ Tion thought, ‘What good am I if I can’t be used?’
......
You’d have to stop the world just to stop the feeling.