Work Text:
13th September, 2015
Another day at the office
I’m writing this blog because one of my sort-of colleagues has one and it’s made him quite well-known, so I thought I’d give it a go. If anyone at this department deserves recognition, it’s me. I mean, I spend all day on my hands and knees, inspecting urine traces and blood spatter, and the only thanks I get is the occasional door in my face.
Yes, you read that right. The reward I deserve is not a knighthood or a pay-rise or the occasional cup of coffee. It’s having a door slammed in my face and being called ‘stupid’. I am not stupid. I was fourth in my class in university.
Who am I kidding. No-one will read this. I can say whatever I want here and no-one will find it.
Sometimes I cry at night.
Sherlock Holmes is an annoying berk.
My wife can’t look me in the eye anymore.
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4th October, 2015
Yet another day at the office
Today, Sherlock bloody ‘thank you for your input’ Holmes took over yet another of my cases. I was making good progress, despite what he probably told everyone. I had a suspect in mind, and I was going to tell my boss. But no, he had to flounce in with his bloody billowing coat and coiffed hair and short, put-upon tag-along, and tell everyone that I was wrong.
I wasn’t bloody wrong. I mean, the suspect I was considering turned out to be innocent, but I wasn’t wrong. I just hadn’t had time to come to the right conclusion yet.
Of course, Sherlock got all the credit. Last I heard, they were planning a documentary about him on Channel 5. They want to call it ‘The Consulting Genius’. I think they should consider ‘The Consulting Arsehole’, ‘How to Ruin Anderson’s Life’ or ‘The Tosser in the Scarf’, but I don’t think they’d listen to me. No-one ever bloody does.
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16th November, 2015
One more day at the office
I’m glad that no-one reads this blog, actually, because I need to rant about something today.
Sally says she’s getting fed up of being treated like the other woman. That’s stupid, though. She is the other woman, and she knows she is. I mean, for God’s sake, I don’t wear the ring on my finger for decoration or to spurn the advances of women (not there are no advances, of course. There are lots.) So she should really get over it.
The guilt sex on Lestrade’s office after hours is almost worth it, though. I’ll say that. And Sherlock ‘I deduce everything’ Holmes hasn’t deduced that yet. Bloody virgin. Don’t know how John copes, if I’m honest. Maybe Sherlock pays him to be his flatmate. I’ll tell you something, though; you couldn’t pay me enough.
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1st December, 2015
I spent today at the office
Not much to report today.
Sherlock took over my crime scene. I complained to Lestrade, but he was too busy kissing Sherlock’s arse to care. Well, he can kiss my arse. I’ve applied for a promotion, and I’d better get it. The wife’s starting to suspect about Sally, and I need to distract her. Pearl earrings can only go so far.
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5th January, 2016
Another day, night and day at the office
Didn’t get that promotion. No-one reads my blog. I’m so lonely.
Thank God for internet porn, is all I can say.
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9th January, 2016
Another night at the office
Spent the night under my desk. Wife kicked me out. Apparently, I smelt like Britney Spears, whatever that means.
Sherlock didn’t deduce this, thank God. I thought he might’ve at first. He looked at me a bit funny. But he didn’t mention it.
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16th February, 2016
A Tuesday at the office
I’m glad that no-one will ever read this blog. It means that I can say how much I hate Sherlock for making me test pee today, and how much I dislike Lestrade for letting him.
I mean, honestly. That is not in my job description. Looking at another man’s piss under a microscope is not what I signed up for. I don’t even want to look at my own piss, let alone that of a murder victim.
Even if it did solve the case.
Bloody Sherlock.
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19th March, 2016
I don’t spend Saturdays at the office
Except today, I did. With Sally. Naked. Four times.
Divorce has never been so sweet.
I hope Lestrade doesn’t want to use his desk tomorrow.
1 comment
Anderson, I have been more than content to allow you to labour under the misapprehension that your blog remains unread for several months now. However, this latest post has caused me to succumb to acute nausea, and I feel as though something really must be said. Your blog is far from unread. In fact, I believe half of Scotland Yard have bookmarked it. There is a section on this website whereby you can see your average number of daily views. I suggest you use this feature to see how much trouble you may be in tomorrow; I’d wager a telling off from Dimmock at least.
You can expect the cleaning bill for my shirt tomorrow morning. Charge it to expenses if you wish, although I’m not sure that ‘Moron Induced Vomit’ is currently accepted as an expense category.
I do hope you scrubbed down Lestrade’s desk.
Sherlock Holmes, 19th March, 18:06
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