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Jason had talked about the Farm with great reverence once. He’d described it as a place of milk and honey. A place where he could be free with his beloved girlfriend, the mother of his children, and live happily ever after. He’d talked and talked once upon a time about how it was basically the Sweet Hereafter on Earth.
Well, Cheryl didn’t think much of it at first. It was just a bunch of weirdos who preached love without borders. What a laugh. Love always had borders. It always had conditions. Cheryl was no fool.
And yet, she had betrayed Betty to be there. It was a necessary evil, tragic and selfish as it was. Whatever. Those were Cheryl’s most notable traits. Betty really should have known. Wasn’t she supposed to be smart?
Besides, there were far more important things than her “loyalty” to Betty Cooper. There was a greater loyalty at stake. The Farm had Jason. They had a way for her to sit and talk with him in a way that felt so real and sure it must have been. Whether it was dark magic or just good old fashioned trickery, it felt so good that the methodology didn’t matter. The Blossom twins were reunited. There was no greater purpose. She’d have stabbed Betty in the chest for that. Cut out her heart and presented it to Edgar Evernever on a silver plate. (Especially after Toni showed her the video of Jason’s execution again. Of course that Nancy Drew knock-off couldn’t be trusted to keep her word and destroy the tape. Bitch.) Thankfully, Cheryl’s allegiance didn’t require blood sacrifice.
At first, Cheryl was skeptical. How could this man, as lean and strong as he was, know anything of ancient blood curses? How could he possibly raise the dead so that they could speak? And what exactly was she meant to give up?
Curiosity, more than anything, brought her into his web for the first real session. It was in his office. Incense to set the mood and the hypnotic clicking of the silver spheres on his desk. He spoke quietly, so quietly, in fact, that Cheryl almost had to strain to hear him. He asked her simple questions at first, some he already knew the answers to.
Her name. Her favorite color. Her favorite things to do. He asked her about the River Vixens and then about her grades. The conversation shifted then, to her childhood.
Cheryl didn’t like to talk about that, but found Edgar easy to talk to. The best gift she ever got for Christmas was a sweater from Jason. Her happiest memory was her 13th birthday because she shared it with Jason. Her saddest memory was when she lost Jason.
“Jason, Jason, Jason.” Edgar said.
It was at this point that Cheryl’s mind had started to grow hazy. She wasn’t quite sure why, but she felt lighter than she had. Her mind was quieter. Her hands relaxed against the arms of the chair she was sitting in.
“You love your brother, don’t you?”
Cheryl nodded and when she tried to speak her voice came out…strangely. It was breathier than she exacted, more of a sigh than a word.
“Yes.”
“How much do you love him?” He asked.
Her heart lurched forward in her chest, aching and burning. Even the thought of her infinite love for Jason was enough to make tears roll down her cheeks. She loved him more than anything.
“So…much.” Cheryl breathed.
“Here at the Farm, we do not have secrets. We share ourselves with our brothers and sisters completely so that we care shoulder each other’s burdens. Do you understand, Cheryl?”
The thought of being entirely exposed for anyone (now that her twin was dead) was almost enough to bring her back to her senses, but the soft clicking of the silver spheres soothed her quickly.
“Let’s start with something small, hm? Tell me a secret that most people don’t know.” Edgar said gently.
Secrets. Cheryl had many secrets. Some of them were harmless and some were decidedly not. Dozens of secrets flashed through her mind in a flurry until she plucked one out to give to Edgar.
“One time, when I was twelve, I shoplifted a lollipop from a gas station.” Cheryl said.
It was definitely one of the more harmless secrets. It wasn’t even interesting.
“There is no judgement here, Sister Cheryl. You don’t have to be afraid.”
“I slashed my mother’s tires after she told me I couldn’t sleepover at Heather’s house in middle school.”
“Let it out.”
“I burned down Thornhill.”
“Good. Very good.”
“I watched my mother poison my father with pufferfish venom.” Cheryl whispered.
Her mind caught up with her mouth suddenly and she froze. Edgar swooped down close, kneeling before her.
“No, no. Don’t be afraid, Sister Cheryl. This is good. This is incredible progress.”
And Cheryl couldn’t help but smile at that.
“Really?”
“Yes. You are having breakthroughs I wouldn’t expect for several months. It’s remarkable. You, Miss Blossom, are remarkable.”
Edgar deemed Cheryl so remarkable, in fact, that he wanted to give her a gift. A very special gift for her unbelievable progress.
“Is this some kind of cruel trick?” Cheryl asked.
No one answered. Thus, the only choice was to continue to sit in the dark and wait. She’d been given a cup of tea, the contents of which were certainly not just tea. Cheryl knew that much from her brief, but thorough tutelage under her mother’s watchful eyes and her own experience growing up around plant cultivation.
There was something in the tea, something in the air too, that made her vision swim and her mind slide into a state of soft focus. It should have alarmed her and, at first, it did, but then that panic gave way to a peace that Cheryl had, perhaps, never truly known in her life.
No, there was one place she’d known this peace. With Jason.
“Cher Cher?”
Cheryl’s heart skipped a beat and if she hadn’t been so terribly relaxed, she would have leapt to her feet and rushed to the sound. It was unmistakable.
“Jason?” She whispered.
The question of whether or not The Farm was worth her allegiance was answered right then and there. They really did have Jason. Surely, that was worth any sacrifice at all. Even a gargantuan sacrifice. Seeing Jason again was worth the loss of Toni Topaz.
Unlike Betty’s friendship (which had always been rather thin outside of their blood relation), the threat of losing Toni was earth-shattering of course…but it had to be done. She was getting a second chance with Jason. A chance to put things right, to cover over the old, rotten memories with new ones.
Anyway, when Evelyn told Cheryl that, to continue her studies at the Farm, she had to cut Toni out of her life? It was like pulling out her own heart and crushing it. She cried for hours. She loved Toni. Truly, madly, deeply…but how could she possibly give up the love of her whole life?
Blessedly, Toni had volunteered to fix the problem, to find a way where Cheryl could have her and Jason. Maybe Cheryl Blossom really was lucky after all. Edgar certainly said so. He told her that her there was no Blossom curse. Her problem was not so mystical. It was physical. Her pain? He could take it away. All of it. He required more sacrifice, he said.
“The greater the sacrifice, the greater the bounty.”
Cheryl was practically floating by the time she reunited with Toni that night. Remarkable. She was, wasn’t she? Cheryl quietly added that to her list of adjectives chosen for her by other people. Sensational. Remarkable. Yes. Very good.
“How’d it go with Edgar?” Toni asked, scooting over on the couch so that Cheryl could join her.
“Oh, positively peachy, Antionette. I made excellent progress.” Cheryl repeated.
“I would expect nothing less.” Toni giggled.
It was only on the third session that Cheryl told Edgar Evernever her deepest, darkest secret. She hadn’t meant to, exactly, but every secret she’d released had been so liberating. It felt good to let them go, to crawl out of the shadows of Thornhill and into the light.
“Open your mouth, Cheryl.”
Egar fed her holy communion. Except, rather than the expected wafer, this was earthy. The flavor was almost spicy, but she couldn’t place it. As soon as it was in her mouth it melted and became a part of her.
It peeled her open, invited her. Edgar turned the lights down low and the session began in silence save for the clicking of the metal balls. Silence was meant to be filled and it was Cheryl’s job to do it. Her heart in her throat, she spoke.
“Jason and I…We were having sex.”
It was a strange way of wording it. So simple and inelegant. So unlike Cheryl’s usual litany of colorful phrases and exquisite syntax. She had come to understand, however, that these were part of her defenses. She purposefully tried to sound intelligent and complicated so that people would be impressed by her and so that she could hide behind their potential misunderstanding. She liked to hide behind all the pomp and circumstance and she so often did just that.
“Tell me about that.” Edgar said.
Cheryl’s stomach dropped.
“I…I—”
Edgar stopped his pacing and turned to her. He offered her a warm, understanding smile.
“Sister Cheryl, you have been an exemplary student of our teachings. I know you can tackle this challenge as you have so beautifully tackled the others.” He said.
Cheryl hesitated. Admitting her sins was one thing, but truly walking Edgar through them was another entirely.
“I know you can do this. It’s scary. I know that. You see the thing about the truth is that when you hide it, it makes you sick. All that sickness festers inside of you and makes you feel terrible. I want to take that pain away from you, Sister Cheryl. Would you like that?”
“Yes.”
“Then I have to know the truth.”
What was the truth? Cheryl knew, from her parents, that the truth was whatever you decided it was so long as you were the most powerful person in the room. If you had enough money, influence, and goddamn confidence, the truth was yours to mold as you saw fit.
But staring up at Edgar from her seat? That didn’t feel well, true. There was one truth, the one that couldn’t be bought. It was powerful, woven together with fact and collective experience. Singular and yet, universal. Truth was where the one became many and the many became one.
Cheryl started at the beginning and she told Edgar everything.
“I fell in love with Jason the first moment I met him, I think. I don’t really remember being a baby, of course, but I’ve always loved him, so it must have started there. We were always very close. We did everything together when we were little. Ate, slept, bathed. Mumsy used to joke that she’d given birth to Siamese twins, but that was back when she made jokes.”
Edgar cocked his head to the side, waiting for her to stop stalling.
“In any case, the first time we—It was a gorgeous day at Sweet Water River. We’d been swimming. He was in a strange mood that day, but that happened sometimes. It was quite common, in fact, after Daddy started getting him involved in the family business. I didn’t think much of it back then beyond the fact that it was just normal stress. Now I know it was far more than that. My father’s real business was drugs, if you didn’t know. Maple syrup is a drop in the bucket, so to speak, of my family’s wealth.”
“Go on.”
“I was laying on the riverbank under a parasol. The one he’d bought for me when he went to Paris. I’ve never been to Paris, but when I was with him, I didn’t much care.”
“Your secrets are only making you sicker, Sister Cheryl.”
And there he was. Jason was sitting there watching her tell this story. He was smiling. Go on.
“And he was sad that day. So sad. And cold. He swam for an hour before coming and laying next to me. He said he needed me. Said he loved me. Said he was sorry.”
Was he?
“And I told him it was alright. That I was there. That I would always be there. Anything he wanted. I suppose he proved that.”
“Stop stalling.” Edgar said.
Cheryl blinked the haze out of her eyes, but it would not go. She looked at Edgar, looked at Jason. Would God ever forgive her for anything she’d ever done?
“He put his hand on my breast. I knew then that everything was about to change. Like the world had set itself on a course undecided until that moment. I let him push the top aside. I let him latch.”
“Were you frightened?” Edgar asked.
“I was and then…I wasn’t anything. Floating above the riverbank watching him suck and kiss. He left bruises all down my chest. I was always his. He just needed proof.”
Go on, Sister Cheryl. Go on.
“He was clumsy. Such a boy about it. But gentle. He was gentle. He said he loved me. Chanted it. He thanked me. I loved him so much.” Cheryl whispered.
Edgar stopped his pacing and looked at Jason. Then he looked back at Cheryl and shook his head.
“How can you ever reunite with Jason if you’re not willing to even remember him?” He asked.
A panic crossed Cheryl’s heart. Was she not telling enough? Was this not the truth? How much more did he need?
All of it. Go on.
“I almost didn’t know what he was so grateful about at first. But then I felt it. Rubbing against my thigh. He pulled my bathing suit down and kissed me first. His lips were so soft, but I barely felt them. I barely felt anything at all.”
Did it hurt?
“It hurt a little. He was bigger than any finger I’d tried before. But he was gentle.”
Until he wasn’t.
“I honestly don’t remember much more than that.”
Yes you do.
“Except…He was crying. I thought it had started to rain.”
And the blood, of course.
“I bled a little. After. He carried me back to the car.”
Edgar clapped his hands together.
“Wonderful.”
Cheryl let out a heaving breath. She might have felt lighter, but something was still dragging her down through her chest. Into the dark. Into the deep dark. The deep wet dark that held the cold dead truth.
Jason did not carry this violence alone.
“You did incredible work today, Sister Cheryl. We can—”
“That’s not it!” Cheryl cried.
Edgar regarded her for a moment and then gestured for her to go on. She took a breath and tried to swim to the surface. Her fingers burning cold wrapped around the truth she did not dare to even think anymore. But she had to. How else would Edgar take the pain away if he didn’t know what it was?
“It was a week later. Jason was in his room. I hated that we had separate rooms, but Mumsy insisted. I hated it. I was so cold. Freezing. It was July. I remember running to his room like a beast out of Hell. I couldn’t bear to be without him. I needed him. I loved him.”
Jason was still smiling there, sitting in the dark. He nodded. He loved her too.
“He was reading. Sulking. I hated that. I didn’t speak. We didn’t need to. We knew each other well enough. We were soulmates. I needed my skin to touch his again. That was all. Just to warm me up.”
And you took off your clothes.
“I thought I was going to die.”
And you did.
“He was frightened and said as much. I told him it was fine. It was all fine. I needed him too. I—”
You couldn’t bear to be apart. I always understood that much, Cher Cher. You always had to have the same. We are twins, aren’t we? That’s what you said.
“I had to have the same. All of it. I sucked and kissed and left bruises like a line of roses down his belly. He finished in my mouth, but it wasn’t enough. I—”
Had to have the same. I understood, in the end.
“I climbed on top of him and I wouldn’t let him go. He was crying. I think—I think I was too. He said it hurt, but I already knew that. It was the same for me. Before.”
“So, you initiated this time?” Edgar asked thoughtfully.
“Yes. And many times after that…but that doesn’t matter.”
“It doesn’t?”
Cheryl glared at him. How did he not yet understand?
“We were soulmates. Practically the same person. Jason. Me. It didn’t matter. We just kept trying to crash ourselves together.”
But it didn’t work.
“And now he’s dead.”
And that’s the truth.