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“What’s that sound?”
“What sound?”
“The squeaking,” The dickhead said before letting out a belly-deep laugh, “shit, Wolvie. Is that the symphony of ball sweat against spandex coming from between your golden thighs I hear?”
“No, it’s my cunt leaking like a broken faucet cause I’m going into heat.”
Wade tripped over his own two feet. “Come again?”
“Quit fucking around,” Logan said without pause, “or you’re gonna hear the symphony of me penetrating your cranium, bub.”
“Sexy,” Deadpool smirked, running to catch up. “Tell me, are you circumcised?”
It had to be the adrenaline and the fuck ton of stress he’d put his body through in the past day and a half. There was no other explanation why he was so horny he couldn’t breathe. The alcohol didn’t help, it just made that spot between Logan’s legs ache even more. He should have brought along that empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s from the bunker. It would have done the trick. A few fingers just weren’t enough to fully scratch his bone-deep itch.
“Jesus, glad I didn’t send the homicidal teenage girl over to guilt trip you into joining our suicide squad. Having a little alone time with your left hand, dear?” Wade’s obnoxious voice came from somewhere behind him. Logan screwed his eyes shut, experiencing a spike of murderous intent so strong it temporarily overpowered the need to get fucked. He pulled his fingers out of his aching cunt, wiped off most of the slick against the side of the tree, and turned around.
Deadpool froze, eyes no doubt staring at Logan’s straining dick poking out of his uniform pants.
“Uh,” Wade said, finally at a loss for words.
“Cat got your fucking tongue?” Logan asked.
“Can I put my penis in you?” The lunatic blurted out. “It’ll fix all of life’s problems. And your raging alcoholism and depression, too.”
Logan lifted a brow.
“Ok fine, not clinically approved by the fucking FDA, but it can’t hurt, right?” Wade shrugged helplessly, crotch rapidly tenting under his piercing glare as he sidled closer and closer, “say something, kitten. Tell me we’re on the same page here about what’s going to happen next because I think I’ve been perma-hard since our foreplay sesh in the car and this sexual tension is making it difficult to breathe.”
“We’re not even on the same fucking planet, bub, and that wasn’t foreplay,” Logan growled, sticking all three claws of his left hand into Wade’s sternum and dragging him along by the ribcage. “I was trying to kill you, still am.”
“Yeah, kill me some more,” Wade gargled, flopping out all four limbs on the backseat of the busted minivan when Logan tossed him inside and climbed up on top, “classic porn trope, babe. Love the backseat of a car scenario except for the fucking Honda Ody–”
“Shut the fuck up.” Logan rammed the claws into his throat and pulled the maniac’s dick out. It was textured all wrong and felt like a cross between a melted candle and one of those raw German sausages. “The hell?”
“Go watch my first movie,” Wade whined, clawing at Logan’s ass and still spurting blood out of the holes in his neck, “we gonna bang or not?”
“Yeah.”
“Whoa hold on a minute here, no finger prep before—? Holy shit, nghhh, this is heavenly…wait, why does your asshole feel like a vagina?”
“That’s because it is my vagina, stupid.”
Silence fell between them. Wade lifted his head from the backseat and tore off his mask.
“I might be having a stroke from all the head stabbings earlier because I think I just heard you say you have a vagina.”
“Look,” Logan said, reaching down between them and lifting his cock to spread his flushed folds with two fingers. Wade’s dick pulsed in his pussy and he felt a subtle spreading warmth inside.
“Fuck, sorry,” Deadpool gasped as Logan lifted up, fresh come dripping down his pubic hair. The weird looking dick gave another shuddering twitch against Wade’s scarred stomach and drooled out a few more globs of white. “It’s been a while since Timmy’s felt the loving embrace of a tight kitty and we got a little too excited.”
“You named your cock Timmy?”
“Well, Wade Jr. is a bit on the nose, don’t you think?”
“Alright, mood fucking ruined,” He made to get up. “I’m using that whiskey bottle back at the base.”
“No, no, no, come back. I’ll shut up if you take a ride on my disco stick. I need this, please.”
Walking back dissatisfied versus sitting on the deranged lunatic that just wouldn’t quit running his mouth. Logan debated the pros and cons briefly before heaving a sigh and guiding Wade’s cock back inside his pussy. He sat down fully and clenched his muscles experimentally. Wasn’t too bad once he got over the mangled look of it. Wade was thick and long enough to make him really feel the burn once he had a rhythm going.
“God, you’re so fucking hot,” Wade whimpered, tendons straining in his neck as Logan rode him. The van creaked and shook around them. He had a fleeting thought that the rest of the ragtag group of survivors could overhear the sounds and come investigating, but then Deadpool tore open his uniform and grabbed two handfuls of his pecs and all rational thinking went out the shattered window.
“Come on, you useless fuck, knot me,” He growled, grinding down so hard he could feel Wade’s pelvis creaking in protest.
“What the fuck does that even mean?” He unlatched his mouth from Logan’s left tit long enough to gasp, “I think I’m gonna come.”
So their parts were different in Wade’s world. Pity, he was starting to like the asshole’s third leg.
“Yeah, definitely coming, fuck.” Wade’s head thumped back down on the seat. He whimpered and blew his second load of the night in Logan’s cunt. It was a pathetic performance and not nearly enough to scratch his itch. Wade was surprisingly submissive when it came to sex. That simply won’t do.
“Get up,” He slapped the guy’s jaw.
“Which part?” Wade wheezed out a laugh, his chest heaving, “shit, I think I’m in love.”
“I need it rougher,” Logan said, struggling to put the request into words. He usually got rid of the problem himself. He’d never met an alpha in his homeworld that could handle Logan’s heat.
“Heat making you extra horny?”
“How did you–”
“I pay attention, sweetums,” Wade winked at him and sat up. There was a mad gleam in his eyes, “want me to put my whole fist up your pussy? I can do that.”
The thought of it sent a shiver down Logan’s spine. He rubbed his wet thighs together. That would probably make it difficult to concentrate on the battle tomorrow. He’d be too distracted to be of much help. As if sensing his trepidation, Wade shoved him onto his front and got up behind.
“Let’s try this first,” He said and shoved his dick back inside.
The traditional breeding mount hit much deeper. Logan buried his face into the cheap upholstery and moaned in relief. It felt so fucking good despite the cramped quarters. He dug his claws into the seat fabric and spread his knees wider. Wade was plastered on his back, one arm snaking around Logan’s neck and the other going to his dripping dick.
“Here goes nothing,” He said cheerfully in Logan’s ear.
And then, Wade bit down on the side of his neck, right where his mate would. Logan howled, head thrown back, vision tunneled so far he might as well have gone blind. The orgasm ripped through him like a knife, his cunt clenched so tight around Wade’s cock it was probably past the point of pain. The teeth in his neck dug in deeper and he felt the building pressure in his belly finally release in a gushing rush of warmth between them. Wade moaned, canting his hips up, trying to fuck deeper inside the greedy clutch of Logan’s body.
“You’re like a fucking Hoover Deluxe. Soldier Boy reference, you wouldn’t get it, god it’s such a good show. And you’d be right up his alley, old man,” Deadpool slurred behind him, laughing maniacally, “oww, ease up, champ, you’re gonna suck the foreskin clean off my dick.”
He tried to pull out. Logan’s claws came out, “don’t you fucking dare–”
“Relax,” Wade husked against his sweaty cheek, adjusting his slipping grip around Logan’s waist, “I don’t have a refractory period and I got nowhere else to be. Daddy’ll dick you down all night long, babygirl.”
“Don’t fucking call me that, you demented fuckwad,” He snapped, but Wade chose that moment to slap his swollen cunt with four fingers and Logan’s eyes rolled to the back of his skull, the rest of the words dying in his throat. He squirted again, drenching Wade’s thigh and the torn up car seat beneath them.
“Oh yeah, baby, make it rain,” Wade panted, shoving those fingers back in and twisting cruelly. His hips bucked sharply, claws sinking back into the destroyed upholstery as he climaxed a third time. And then, Wade was back in him, dick crammed so deep he could almost taste it. A hand caught his hair, jerking Logan’s head back. Their mouths barely missed each other. Wade made a frustrated noise that turned into a curse when Logan reached back and stabbed him in the leg.
“No kissing, prick, I warned you. Try it again and I’m cutting your dick off, putting it on a stick and fucking that instead.”
“Hey, I’m a lover and a fighter,” Wade argued, smacking the top of his bare asscheek with a heavy hand and speeding up, “you can’t expect no mouth-on-mouth action when we’re making love.”
“You call this shit making love?” Logan barked out a laugh. The Honda Odyssey was creaking like a dying animal around them, all kinds of unidentifiable bodily fluids smeared over every inch of reachable surface and soaked into the seat beneath them.
“No, I call this making love,” Wade huffed. The world spun as he was manhandled onto his back, Wade crawling between his parted thighs and thrusting back inside his stinging pussy. “Yeah, baby, look at me. Intense eye contact. That’s right, can you feel the love tonight?”
He could make out some stars behind Wade’s annoying fat head, faded glimpses of dead planets eons away, frozen remnants of worlds long gone but the ghostly light of their presence still traveling through time and space.
Then, Wade hit that spot inside him and Logan saw stars.
“Two hundred year old pussy feels so good,” Deadpool groaned, breath stuttering with the effort of his hard thrusts, “my man was right, the older the better. Like a fine fucking wine. Not the dry part though, Timmy’s drowning right now. Hell yeah, waterboard the fuck out of my dick, baby. You can give him CPR later.”
“Can you fucking shut up, man?” Logan panted, clutching at his back and digging his knees into Deadpool’s gyrating hips.
“No can do, amigo,” Wade said, smiling down at him.
The fond expression made Logan’s belly twist, butterflies and all. So he popped out his claws and speared the guy through both lungs from behind.
“Fuck,” Wade hissed and came.
“Your crazy matches my crazy,” He said afterwards.
Logan lit a cigarette and took a long hard drag. Wade watched him, still smiling faintly.
“So, did you feel the love tonight?” He asked, drumming light fingers over Logan’s hips.
“No, I feel a burning sensation.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s probably the laundry list of STDs I have bequeathed ye,” He chuckled, rubbing his palms over Logan’s thighs. It felt nice. “Take good care of our children, won’t you?”
“Jesus.”
“Peg me later?”
Logan ground the cigarette out over Wade’s chest, “I have a dick you know.”
“And it’s fucking perfect, just like your Hello Kitty,” Deadpool sighed, going limp beneath him, still wedged deep inside Logan’s cunt, “I’m a huge fan.”
“Why’s the backseat so slippery?”
Gambit held up his hand and examined the mystery goo between his fingers.
“Fake leather and the humidity,” Wade lied with a straight face. “Science, really.”
“Smells like blood, sex and ball sweat up in here,” Blade said, peering around the interior.
“In front of the goddamn child?” Wade exclaimed with a scandalized gasp. He reached over and covered Laura’s ears, “Mom and dad had a little romp in the back last night, big deal. You’re all wasting precious time standing around and gossiping about my sex life here. And yes, it was fucking amazing. We rekindled our dead marriage of forty-three hours and one of us is definitely pregnant with twins. Spoilers, it’s me.”
Laura kicked him in the shin and wrestled free of his grip.
“Blade, I’m gonna need you to cut my hand off,” Gambit said, all color draining from his face, “quickly now, before I vomit.”
Elektra sighed, “get in, Wade, you’re sitting in the middle.”
“You two are disgusting!” Cassandra shrieked, staggered back from Logan and wiping both hands under her armpits. She made a face. “I’m going to be sick.”
“It’s love, baby,” Wade cackled as he crammed Juggernaut’s helmet over her head. “Ain’t nothing disgusting about it.”
After, when it was all over, Wade had invited him to stay. And he had. The hours turned to days, and two weeks had gone by when Logan suddenly realized one morning that he had a designated mug and a toothbrush that Wade kept “borrowing.” He stood there in the tiny bathroom, staring at his reflection. They hadn’t had sex since, but he looked…less dead. Had even put on a little bit of weight.
“Hey, I need to fucking piss, Wolvie,” Wade’s obnoxious voice yelled, ruining the moment, “are you done slathering on the baby oil? Because my tongue applied for that job and you shot us down. And god dammit, I’m still not over it.”
“How do you have the energy to be this annoying at seven thirty in the morning?” Logan sighed as he opened the door. Wade barged in, deliberately making full frontal contact and going straight for Logan’s toothbrush.
“Hey, that’s mine,” He muttered without any real heat as Wade wedged it inside his mouth.
“What’s yours is mine, pookums,” Wade warbled past the toothpaste, “and vice versa.”
“You really mean it?”
“Yes, Chewbacca’s hairier stupider cousin,” He spat out the suds and turned to face Logan, “how many times do I have to tell you that you are more than welcome to stay? Here in this one bedroom apartment. With me, Blind Al and my sadly normal, non-inflatable dick. Well, it’s ribbed from all the cancer and scarring for your pleasure.”
“You still can’t fucking shut up, can you?”
“Permanent character flaw, I’m afraid,” He said, taking a deliberate step into Logan’s personal space and letting his eyes trail down the line of his torso to the strip of body hair peeking out over his waistband. Wade licked his lip, voice dropping a few octaves, “you could shut me up yourself. Never got to give you my elevator pitch, snuggle bear, but I happen to be a pro at cunnilingus. My tongue’s like an electric motor and I don’t need to come up for air. Could service you for hours.”
“Yeah?”
“Ask Vanessa, I am the motherfucking king of eating pu–”
He grabbed Wade’s dick and balls through his unicorn-pattern boxer shorts. Deadpool let out a sound similar to a dog toy being stepped on and clawed at his wrist with both hands, not to shove him away but to grind shamelessly into Logan’s palm.
“I don’t share,” Logan said, giving his fattening cock a hard squeeze.
“No sharing, monogamy only,” Wade gasped, nodding furiously as he slathered minty saliva over Logan’s jaw, “got it, message received loud and ow ow ow, clear. I’m all yours, honey badger. Anything you want. This is so fucking hot, please sit on my face and let me impregnate you.”
“You’re getting your own place next week,” Logan breathed against his heavily scarred cheek, “I’m not fucking you here with your ninety year old blind roommate listening in.”
“Not a day over eighty, you horny degenerates,” said blind roommate yelled, kicking at the bathroom door.
“Shut up, Althea!” Wade screamed back, "can’t you see we’re having a moment here?”
That made him snort-laugh and Wade’s eyes lit up at the sound. It was such a small inconsequential detail in the terrible fucked up grand scheme of it all, but something changed then, a warm furtive thing uncurling inside his chest, not unlike the itch of a healing flesh wound.
So, when Deadpool leaned in to kiss him on the mouth this time, Logan didn’t pull away.