Work Text:
Emily Prentiss was definitely NOT drunk. Okay, she was a bit tipsy, but she WASN’T drunk. It’s just… the woman she’s loved for years was getting married so to ease the pain she drank a bit. It’s fine! Everything fine!
—[2 HOURS LATER]—
Okay. Everything was not fine, Emily thought as she looked across the alter at… Reid?? How much did she drink?? Let’s backtrack a bit.
—[2 HOURS EARLIER]—
As Emily finished up her wedding toast with videographer, Rossi and Hotch were exchanging looks.
“So, Emily and Spencer are both drunk out of their minds because JJ’s getting married right?” Hotch looked astonished at Rossi
“I knew Reid was upset about JJ getting married, but Emily? Really?” Rossi nodded
“That woman’s been in love with JJ since they first locked eyes, I’m telling you! And hey, my gardens cursed anyways, no people married here stay married” Hotch sighed and shook his head
“So why would you let JJ get married here if you knew it was ‘cursed’, Dave?”
“I have my plans, Aaron!” And with that Rossi walked away, leaving Hotch to look around for Spencer, who was lying in a pile of presents, very clearly drunk.
“Reid, what’s going on?”
“Nothing!” Reid slurred, holding his empty champagne glass in the air
“Up you get” Hotch held his hand out and Reid took it, lifting himself up. He wasn’t standing straight but could for… the most part, pass as sober “okay, let’s get you sat down, the ceremony is starting soon”
“Nooooo, she’s getting married!” Reid shouted, before Garcia ran over, seeming to be running from Kevin “let’s not shout that boy genius!” She said to Spencer as he let on her, groaning.
“How much did you drink, Spence?” Spencer tripped a bit as the three walked over to the main part of the ceremony to sit down
“Like… 5 glasses… I’m fine!”
“Reid. That is too many glasses”
“You're not my dad!” Spencer weakly pointed a finger at Hotch as he sat down next to Emily, who was also very drunk.
Rossi shushed everyone from next to Emily as music started, the ceremony was about to begin.
Will was standing at the alter, next to his son Henry, waiting excitedly for his soon-to-be wife to walk down the aisle. When the wedding march came on and JJ started coming down the isle, Will nearly cried. She looked so perfect, and he knew then how much he loved her. She came and stood next to him, and the officiant shushed the crowd
“I am here today to bring together Jennifer Jareau and William LeMontagne Jr in holy matrimony. Before I start, does anyone object to the wedding of these two souls?” The officiant laughed, no one actually objected to these things, but he was legally obligated to say it.
To the shock of everyone however, Emily and Spencer both stood up.
The pair looked at each other in anger.
“Oh cmon! This was my moment, Reid!” Emily shouted at Spencer
“Your moment? We’re at JJ’s wedding!” Spencer shouted back
“Yeah- well- your stood up aswell!” She argued
“Because I object to JJ marrying Will! I may still have a teeny… tiny… crush on her still, but we can all agree she can do better than him!” He threw his hands in the direction of Will to try and nail in his point
“Yeah well I object because I’ve loved JJ since I first met her! And I just wanted to tell her before she went and married that southern loser!” Emily stumbled over her words, but just about got out what she was trying to say
“Oh, so your objection is more important than mine?”
“Yeah! Because mines gay!”
“Wow, are you really pulling the gay card on me, Prentiss!?”
“Yes! I am!”
“Well, I’m Bisexual! I have a boyfriend!”
Everyone gasped “wait. I wasn’t meant to tell you guys about that yet” Spencer giggled
“You have a boyfriend!?” Emily asked, confused
“Yeah, we’ve been dating for…” Spencer tried to count on his fingers “I’m to drunk to remember how long”
Rossi stood up after Spencer finished, and everyone gasped even louder “nope- I’m not objecting, I’m here to tell these two that they need to sit down or leave. And they most definitely need to sober up before they say even more things they regret”
“Your not our dad!” The pair shouted at the same time
“Wait, Emily” Spencer put his hands on Emily’s shoulders
“Yeah?”
“We” he pointed between the two of them “should get married”
“But you have a boyfriend?”
Spencer waved his hand dismissively “Grayson won’t mind!”
“Wait! Wait!” Emily put her hands on Spencer’s shoulders and lightly shook him “we can get married, and then you can still date Grayson, and I will get a hot blonde girlfriend and everything will be great!”
“Yeah!” Spencer agreed “okay, I’ll find an officiant!” He pulled out his phone and started looking up ‘officiants who can marry me today Virginia’. Eventually he found a guy and dialled his number when JJ screamed out in horror “what are you doing! It’s my wedding day!”
Spencer held his hand over his speaker as the officiant picked up “I’m getting married Jennifer, if you couldn’t tell!” He uncovered his speaker “hi, my name is Spencer Reid. Could you get me married in the next… 5 hours?” He slurred “no I’m not drunk! Okay, I’ve had like… 5 glasses of champagne… but I’m in a fit state to get married! No, I’m not calling from Vegas! I’m in Virgina, I specially looked up officiants in Virginia! You know what I’m putting my future wife on the phone, Emily get this guy to do his job!” He passed the phone over to Emily.
“Yes, we’re sure about this! I don’t love him! Im a lesbian!” Emily rolled her eyes “why am I getting married to him then? Well, lemme sum this up, we’re both drunk out of our minds, and the love of my life is getting married like 4 feet away.” She waved her hand in the general direction of JJ “So because I’m drunk, I’ve stood up and objected! And he objected aswell! So now we’re getting married! Honestly, I’m not sure why Spencer’s doing this but oh well! Look, we’re both FBI agents, so we make money and I will pay you $500 to drive here in 2 hours and marry us. Where are we? Umm… Rossi! Where do you live!?” Emily shouted.
“I’m not telling you where, because you're not getting married!” Rossi shouted back, clearly very angry at the drunken mess that Prentiss and Reid were.
“Whatever, Spencer! Where does Rossi live?”
“34 Woodsworth Avenue”
“34 Woodsworth Avenue! It’s the big mansion! You’ll know it when you see it!” She waved her hand about “look, just get here, in 2 hours, kay? Do we have rings? Yes, we have- wait- no we don’t. Spencer! Go get rings!”
“How am I meant to go get rings? I can’t drive, I’m drunk!” He put his hands in the air
“Well, there’s a jeweller a ten-minute walk away, go! I said go Spencer!” And with that Spencer ran off to go buy rings and Emily finished up her phone call, handing the phone to Spencer before her left.
“Damn, getting married is way harder than I remember. This was so much easier in Vegas!” Emily joked, leaving everyone even more shocked.
“You got married! When!?” Penelope called out
“I was like 19 in Vegas and me n’ this girl Chloe were both really drunk, and probably high, and got married. We got divorced the next day bit we stayed in touch! She’s marrying this girl Leila next month, she’s really nice they invited me to the wedding, I’m the ring barer!” Emily explained, slurring a couple words.
By this point, JJ was absolutely horrified and jogged over to Emily to try and talk some sense into her “Em! What are you doing?”
“Getting Married? It’s pretty obvious what I’m doing Jayje!”
“Yeah, to Reid!”
“Look. I’m drunk, I’m leaving to go to London in two days, and I wanna get married to someone I’m gonna get divorced to like, next week, so can I go plan a wedding?”
“Your leaving?” There was a hint of sadness in JJ’s voice
“Yeah, I’m gonna go plan my wedding!”
“I meant to London, dumbass” she lightly punched Emily’s arm.
“Oh… yeah. I mean, your getting married, and I knew it would pain me to see you in the office every day and I was offered a job so… I took it. Now can I go plan my wedding now? Yknow what I’m not gonna wait for you to answer, I’m just gonna go” So, Emily ran off to try and set up a wedding in two hours.
JJ was left in a state of shock as Emily ran away. When Will asked her to marry him, she wasn’t entirely sure about it, but she said yes anyways because he was the safe option. Not only for her, but for Henry as well. But as Emily ran off to go marry Reid (of all people!) JJ knew what she had to do. She has to call it off with Will. She walked over to him, and by the look on his face he knew what she was about to say.
“You wanna go marry ‘er don’t ya?” Will said with his classic Southern twang
“I’m sorry Will, but I’ve not been in love with you for a while, I just thought it was the best thing to do for Henry”
“The best thing for Henry for him is for his mom and dad to be with people they love. So go get ‘er!” Will cheered, as Henry ran up to JJ
“Go to Auntie Emmy, Mommy!” He said as he clinged to her legs.
“Okay Henry, I’ll got to her” she ruffled his hair and ran off after Emily.
The guests were all confused, trying to figure out what the hell was happening when Spencer came back, rings in hand.
“The weddings off Spencer, you can use this arch if you really want to” Will said
Spencer ran to the arch and called out to Emily, who was on the phone with her mother, to come over.
“Emily! Get over here!”
“But that’s where JJ and Will are getting married?”
“They called the wedding off!”
“They did?” Emily said as she ran over
“Yeah! Now get here! The officiant will be here soon”
Emily arrived at the arch stood opposite Reid, and we have now returned to where we began! With Emily and Spencer standing at the aisle, waiting for an officiant to show up and being very, very drunk.
A couple minutes later, the officiant showed up and stood behind Emily and Spencer. A small crowd of guest had gathered to watch this go down, but most of the guests had spread out across Rossi’s Garden.
“We are here today to witness the holy matrimony of… wait what are your two’s names?” The officiant asked
“Emily Prentiss and Spencer Reid” Emily said
“The holy matrimony of Emily Prentiss and Spencer Reid, does anyone have any objections? Yeah no I didn’t think-” but as the officiant said that, JJ ran over, shouting “I Object! I object!”
“JJ?” Emily questioned
“Emily! I called of the wedding because I’ve been Inlove with you for years! Will was just the safe option! Sorry Will” JJ laughed “so, I went and got a ring and” JJ got on one knee “Emily Elizabeth Prentiss, will you marry me?”
Emily started crying and ran over to JJ “yes! Of course! Sorry Spencer, weddings off!” She took the ring from JJ and put it on “its beautiful Jayje” JJ got up and Emily hugged her. They stopped their embrace and their faces we’re millimetres apart. Emily put her hand around JJ’s face and closed the distance between them, kissing her passionately. She’d been waiting years to feel JJ’s lips on hers and it felt better than she ever imagined.
The officiant scoffed “this is the craziest wedding I’ve ever been too, first the blonde was getting married, then you two” he pointed to Spencer and Emily “and now they’re engaged? Am I least getting paid for this?” Emily and JJ stoped kissing and Emily looked at the officiant “I’ll give you Twenty Dollars? But I’m not paying you 500 dollars when you didn’t officiate anything” the officiant sighed “screw this I’m leaving, have a good marriage!” And he walked away, leaving everyone else laughing.
Rossi and Hotch looked at each other “well, this is definitely not how I thought this would go. You going to let JJ and Emily get married here, Dave?” Hotch asked Rossi
“No! This garden is definitely cursed, and I actually like those two together” Rossi laughed
“Cheers?”
“Cheers”
They clunk their glasses together and laughed at the absurdity of their little BAU family