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Through bouts of loneliness, she knew comfort could be found through the company of another.
The sentiment was often proven through the time shared with Kohane, silence ringing in those moments as the weight of the blonde's head rested against her shoulder grounded, and stomped out previous feelings of isolation.
Through time spent with Touya, few words were exchanged, but there was a mutual respect for the others' talent.
Through time spent with Akito, teasing words thrown back and forth. Occasional moments of comfort, and reassuring words were sprinkled into their interactions, and a recognition for the determination the other held.
The relationships had bloomed, growing and expanding through the time they shared- both on stage, and privately. Each bringing their own complexities that somehow, they had always managed to work around. Often, she'd dream of these moments, replaying the momentary ease they had brought her through slight romanticizations of what they originally were.
An stared at the ceiling above her, smiling to herself at the small stars that no longer glowed brightly, only a faint mantle of light remaining. Akito had ordered them for her as a gift, saying they resembled the small clips she wore in her hair. She had teased him for his generosity, though she cherished them, finding solace at the sight of them.
Solace, enough for her to fall asleep, and a sense of pleasant warmth that seemed to swallow her whole.
-
There was something familiar about the house, though different all the same. Tiles looked less worn, and decor almost out of fashion.
Deja vu- as if she had been here before, as if she recognized the almost heavy silence, one that was rare to come by on a normal occasion.
An took hesitant steps forward, listening to the way they echoed through the house, as if nothing else was there.
Nothing else but silence and the soft sound of choked gasps for air.
Muffled sounds that seemed to come to a sharp stop with a hitch of a breath.
An stopped, turning to face a door- closed partially, but not latched. The noise had ceased, but she was almost certain she had heard it. With cautious movements she inched closer, peeking into the room with sprinkles of doubt.
Should she really be doing this?
She didn't let the thought eat at her for long, staring at the soccer ball and cleats that were lazily strewn about the floor, and a small orange haired child who sat on the bed near it.
A pair of olive eyes met her own, and seemed to mirror the startled look on her own face. Despite the tears that stained his face then, and the ones that seemed to be forming, his expression shifted to masked fear- anger.
The child spoke, their voice shaking though it was clear he wanted to sound intimidating. “How did you get inside?”
She didn't know herself.
Perhaps it was a dream- but dreams never felt this vivid, and dreams never inflicted her this amount of unfamiliarity and dread.
“I..” An started, her voice trailing off as she stared at the child, a faint sense of recognition seeming to blossom the more she looked at him.
After a moment, it clicked.
Akito. This was Akito as a child, before she even met him.
Doubt shifted to concern, as she pushed the door further open, carefully kneeling down and keeping some distance, the same way she'd greet young fans who attended their street performances. “It doesn't matter. Are you alright?”
Her tone sounded uncharacteristic, unlike the teasing tone she usually would use on her friend, but felt wrong when it came to his younger counterpart.
“Fine,” He muttered, still sounding defensive, a sniffle highlighting the clearly dishonest answer. “How did you get inside and why are you here?”
An pursed her lips momentarily, he was rightfully paranoid. She wasn't sure what this was herself- she wasn't sure if this was real. “I'm.. not sure. You don't know me yet, but I'm An. I'm not here to hurt you. Can you tell me your name?”
The boy seemed hesitant still, and the question was pointless. She knew who he was. Yet, she didn't want to freak him out more.
She waited quietly for an answer, and An felt like she was intruding on something private. She remained crouched down, gazing at Akito, trying to appear as gentle as she could.
“Akito, I'm.. Akito.” The child spoke, their voice higher pitched, much higher pitched than An ever remembered it being.
Slowly climbing to her feet, An stood straight, and Akito scooted over a bit; silent permission to sit next to him. She was careful not to startle him, moving slowly as if approaching an injured animal as she sat down next to him, a fair distance remaining between them.
An exhaled, relieved he seemed more relaxed than he had moments ago. “Akito,” An repeated, maintaining a softer tone. “Can I ask why you were crying?”
Akito gazed up at her, glassy eyes refracting the overhead light as his mouth slipped open for a moment.
Then a laugh.
An watched as Akito let out a soft giggle, once solemn expression one of embarrassed relief. “I think I forgot.”
An smiled, not able to resist herself as she reached to ruffle his hair. She wondered why Akito was so reserved in comparison to when he was younger. “Better than being upset?”
“Yeah,” Akito mumbled, as he allowed himself to look away from An, no longer as scared despite the unlikely situation.
“That's what I thought.”
-
The sun had barely peaked above the horizon when An woke up, faint rays of light seeping into her room from the hues of pink and orange that spread across the sky.
She remembered the dream with too much detail- even as time passed, it all remained.
She was sure it hadn't happened, though everything felt tangible- realistic- as if it was some fantasy she had concocted in her subconscious.
She turned away from her window, and shut her eyes.
It was a dream- a vivid dream, was all.
An was content with that idea.
-
“Oi, Otouto-kun,” An half spoke, half yelled from across the counter, Akito sitting on the stool opposite to her. She watched as Akito mocked a wince at the volume of her voice, and rolled his eyes.
“Don't need the entirety of Shibuya knowing I'm here. Quiet down, won't ya?” Akito groaned, though An took no offense to his behavior. She merely flicked him on the forehead with a knowing smile.
Turning to her side, she reached for her pen and pad, ready to write down whatever Akito was going to order. “Yeah yeah, whatever you say. Can I get your grumpy-ass something to eat or drink?”
It felt odd to talk to Akito as she normally did, last night's dream still playing in her head as she went about her interaction with the man.
Akito didn't seem to notice anything wrong.
Maybe An was reading too much into it after all.
-
The same house.
This was the fourth time An had fallen asleep and ended up here.
She felt even more so as if she were intruding than the first few times. All the doors seemed to remain closed - the house empty.
It had not been the previous times.
An was left to wander the house, listening to the way the silence echoed off the walls in a deafening way.
It seemed to be the early hours of the morning, far too early for anyone to be up and out of bed.
After a while, she decided to sit down, taking a seat at the kitchen table. Nothing but a centerpiece was on the table. It was almost a sad sight.
“You're here again.”
The voice sounded older, yet more worn out- more out of breath.
She turned, staring at the boy who seemed to have just come in, sweat dripping down his face as his body twitched with exhaustion.
“That I am,” An answered without much of a thought, unsure what to take of these dreams- or what she assumed were. “You look tired.”
She stood straight after a moment, studying the child before her. Akito- but he seemed a few years older than he had the last few times she woke up here.
“I thought you were just a dream.” Akito spoke absently, ignoring An's comment of what should've been concern.
An looks on at Akito, a silent ‘I could say the same’ going unsaid- and perhaps uninterpreted by the young boy. She steps out of the way, motioning for Akito to come sit down, watching the way his legs seemed to wobble.
Silently, he listened- less stubborn that An remembered him being.
Part of her wished he remained like that. Part of her wished he wouldn’t self-destruct and refuse to take breaks.
She could never say that outloud to him, even as she stared at the considerably less mentally worn child before her, one who was out too early, and too exhausted for it to be normal.
She looked at him for a moment, before breaking away. It was clear to her from the beginning his habits were ones he'd built for years. A part of her ached knowing how little he cared even when he was so young.
“Don’t you think it's a little early to be out. What were you doing?” She asked, her tone lighter than she would otherwise normally speak, no longer acting as if she were speaking to a small child.
Akito didn't look at her, and they both stared at the walls ahead of them in momentary silence- An didn't need an answer to know what he was doing. But she wanted to see if Akito would be honest all the same.
Akito for a few moments, didn't speak. As if considering what he could say. “I was..” Akito began, and An silently waited for him to finish. “It doesn't really matter.”
An gazed at him for a second, guilt mixed with exhaustion poorly hidden behind a look of nonchalance.
He barely looked like he was 12.
“Akito,” An exhaled slightly, unsure if it sounded annoyed rather than concerned. “You're still a kid. You--”
She looked away, words she initially wanted to say no longer seeming appropriate. He was still young, even if the same person An knew him to be. “You need your sleep.”
She didn't like how weak her argument sounded, how frail and how easily it could be shot down.
It wasn't what she wanted to say.
Lightly, she raised her fist and gently hit his shoulder. She avoided meeting his gaze, choosing to make some light of the situation- to joke about it in some way. “Otherwise you might never be taller than me.”
An didn't have to look to know Akito rolled his eyes in a dramatic way, adjusted to their usual banter- even if the way they spoke was different in these dreams.
Akito didn't say anything, but An knew it was because he didn't know what to. So she spoke for him, words echoing what she knew she couldn't say- not here, not now. “Seriously though, take care of yourself.”
She studied the way Akito seemed to digest her words, face contorting into a look of mild confusion. She wished she knew what was going on inside his head at times like these.
“Okay.” She heard Akito mutter, in response, as he looked to the side, An was no longer able to see his face. “Don't disappear on me again.”
Her face softened a bit, though she knew she couldn't promise that to the child. She looked away just as he did, and swallowed the guilt and dishonesty that seeped through the words she spoke. “I'll try.”
-
It wasn’t the house this time.
An stood in the cool wind of the outdoors, grass rubbing against her ankles as the wind blew, pushing the thin blades against her skin. She couldn’t help but shiver, both at the temperature and the uncomfortable sensation of the greenery below her. She knew what this was- even if the location had changed, the scenery was as vivid as her previous dreams and the melancholy, almost dull tone ran evenly across the landscape.
It seemed to be winter, or the beginning of the season at least. It was beyond her- why would anyone choose to be outside during this time of year- time of day. The sun was barely peeking over the horizon, stray bits of light supplied only by the sliver visible, and the faint speckles of stars above her.
Akito.
Her mind momentarily connected, Akito would be at a time like this.
She took a seat on the bench, as the cool breeze rolled against her skin. It wasn’t horrifically cold- but enough to be uncomfortable. Enough to wear you down.
She watched the streets that surrounded the park, the pavement strangely empty. It was as if there was no longer any life in this city, as if Shibuya was some sort of white noise, one that would eventually fade into the background to be forgotten about.
Footsteps sounded behind her, ones that were light and cautious. The sound would be carried into the wind had she not listened so intently.
“Akito.”
Her voice echoed into her own ears as she kept her eyes forward. She knew who was behind her. An knew the sight that was inches from her, and yet didn’t look. She sucked in a breath, and tried to crack a joke- something to lighten the tension. “Don’t tell me you’re turning into some kind of possum, being outside running at night n’ shit.”
There was no laugh, and An tried not to think about just what condition Akito would be in this dream.
“I’m starting to think you’re just here to haunt me.” Akito spoke, his voice deeper- closer to how An remembered it being. His tone was flat, and An tried not to swallow her guilt, the tension leaving a lump in her throat. “You show up every once in a while to comfort me and then you’re gone.”
An said nothing, not having a proper- or rather appropriate response for that. She didn’t have control over it. She didn’t have control over when these dreams took place.
They never felt like dreams.
“Why did you show up now?” Akito asked, and An recognized the tilt of annoyance that coated his voice. The guilt seemed to blossom and grow further, and her usual joking banter with Akito- present day or not seemed inappropriate.
With a short breath, she tried to thin the contrition that restricted her breathing, but found it difficult to fully swallow. “I’m sorry.”
For a moment the words felt vacant, as if they held no remorse- and as if they meant nothing at all.
She waited for Akito to get upset, to roll his eyes and give a dry response to her apology. She waited through the seconds and minutes that ticked by, each heavier than the last. This wasn’t something small or petty.
There was no humor to be found in this conflict, and no banter to be made.
“I can’t even remember your name or face.” Akito sounded drained. It was familiar- identical to how he sounded when she met him, and how he sounded when they met at practices. It was the same voice that let concern seep through the cracks, enough to be hidden by their rivalry. He began to speak again, and her breathing sounded louder in her ears than it had moments ago. “Why are you here?”
An didn’t know how to respond, wishing as she had every night since this began that these dreams would come to an end. The feelings left behind all felt jumbled, feelings towards herself and towards Akito. An found it hard to look Akito in the eyes.
An stood for a moment, and turned to look at Akito. He looked about the same as he did in the present- style less developed, but about the same despite that.
She ran through what to say, though no words seemed appealing- nothing seemed to be appropriate. She settled on silence for a moment, though considered voicing what she had wanted to for ages- words she knew Akito would never fully listen to.
It was a dream.
An looked at Akito, at his now older appearance.
It couldn’t hurt.
She inhaled, and felt her face fall flat for a second. No longer a teasing smile, no longer a glint of concern that encased her eyes. “And why are you here?”
The ginger seemed to shift a little, and An crossed her arms. There was some relief that seemed to come with her words, as if she no longer felt like she was suffocating by words that went unsaid.
“You wouldn’t feel so hurt if you weren’t so determined to do everything alone. You’re a dumbass if you think you’re not good enough for whoever you’re out to impress.” The words felt blunt, and though for a moment An felt bad, she forgot about it not long after. He needed to hear it- even if this was a dream, even if this would mean nothing when she woke up. “Maybe learn to take proper care of yourself and you wouldn’t find yourself stuck in the same place over and over again. Did that idea ever occur to you? I’m starting to think it never has.”
She watched as Akito processed her words- moments passing as the gears seemed to turn. It was as if the concept was so nonsensical to the man in front of her.
Akito’s eyes narrowed after a moment, staring at An with something akin to annoyance or frustration. “Maybe you should learn to butt out then, if it bothers you so much why do you keep on showing up?”
With a sigh, An punched Akito in the shoulder, with enough force to at least hurt. “Let me get it through your thick skull, and maybe I’ll keep showing up until you stop self-destructing. I’ll butt out when you stop ignoring the people who are trying to help you. Maybe the idea is new to you but you’re a fucking idiot if you can’t see people care.”
The ravenette watched as Akito let out a grunt, shoved An away and rolled his eyes with a flash of discontent. “What do you know? You’re never here when it matters anyways. Hurry up and fuck off already.”
An laughed, though it felt like more of a reflex than anything. “Yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Tough fucking luck.”
Akito said nothing.
An would take that over another deflection.
-
“An, those aren’t dreams.” Miku’s voice rung out, and the words didn’t register for a moment.
Meiko seemed to be watching from afar, standing behind the bar as An tried to process what Miku had told her. “Then what are they?”
The question slipped out before An could really think about the words, or even the tone she had used. If they weren’t dreams, what were they? It was the only idea An had managed to accept, much less be okay with. She continued to stare on at Miku, mouth slightly agape at Miku’s almost sympathetic expression.
“They’re memories.” The vocaloid explained, the smile on her face seeming almost forced. “Sekais are born from feelings, and these ‘dreams’ are a reflection of what he needs.”
It was as if the silence of the world had grown louder, swallowing the tension as she stared at the girl in front of her. They were memories- ones clearly Akito seemed to remember by how he acted in the more recent ones An witnessed.
Miku seemed to understand her lack of response, the complexity of the situation enough to make a proper answer difficult.
If they were memories, An found herself partially guilty for how she spoke to Akito.
A part of An just wished she got through to Akito.
-
The cafe was always slower on weekends, business felt lighter at least.
The frequency of orders fell to something less, and the conversations that filled the air were quieter, less prominent among the sounds of coffee and orders being made. An tapped her fingers along the bar, scanning the worn down wood for the pen she had set down only moments ago.
After a few moments she spotted it, grasping the smooth plastic of the writing utensil. She was ready to go take orders, though her eyes shifted to gaze at the entrance as she heard the bell above the door ring.
A familiar mop of ginger hair.
She was sure she would get in trouble with the owner- her father if she neglected to take the orders of those who had already been seated, but decided to wait, standing behind the bar as Akito approached it.
An crossed her arms, it was clear Akito hadn’t slept much- or at all. She gave him a look, words slipping out without much regard. “You look like shit.”
The male rolled his eyes in response, and An set down her notepad as she turned her full attention towards him. “Yeah, thanks An. Didn’t know you could see.”
The banter felt different, less playful in a way. An wondered if Akito knew, if he remembered what she had said to him in those dreams- or rather memories nights ago. He never brought it up, and she for a second, preferred for it to stay unknown.
“Yeah? And I’m sure a blind person could tell you look like shit. Did you skip out on sleep again?” The sarcastic tone masked the underlying concern, as she flicked the male in the forehead. “If you aren’t going to take care of yourself, I’ll tell Dad and you’ll have to sit out of practice.”
Akito gave her an unamused look, slumping against the table in the same worn out manner An had seen millions of times before. She had always threatened the same thing- though she never went through with it, knowing Akito would just find another outlet to practice if he wasn’t allowed to in a group setting.
“Just hurry up and take my order. You’re the one always slacking off.” Akito muttered, sounding exhausted as he leaned his head against his fist.
The message was clear enough.
He wasn’t in the mood to go through their regular routine.
“Yeah, fine, whatever.” An sighed, lifting her pen as she tried not to let the concern show on her face. “What do you want?”
-
Sweat dripped down An’s face, still catching her breath from the live performance that had ended not too long ago. She hadn’t managed to catch Kohane, having been pulled aside by her parents before she had to leave. She didn’t quite know where Touya went, figuring he was off somewhere talking with her dad. That left Akito behind stage, still recovering from their show.
She slumped against the wall, chugging some water as she tried to cool down. The stage lights always felt unbearably hot, leaving her feeling dizzy as the performance went on. She didn’t mind it- finding the feeling exhilarating, at least in the moment.
She reflected on their performance, on their past performances and how far they had come. They had grown, building off of each other and developing a sense of comfortability with each other. They felt in sync- most nights they did at the very least.
Maybe it was concern that hindered her performance, or maybe it was the slight tension that had been there between her and Akito since the ‘dreams’ had begun. It was off- less together, and less cohesive.
She wondered if Akito had noticed, both their teamwork, and the gap that had begun to form between them; or if she was just acting strangely.
She listened to the new silence, likely that the crowd had begun to disperse, heading home. They were the last performance of the night, and An was ready to head home herself. Though she found herself concerned about Akito once more, wondering if he had a way home or if he would be walking.
She thought she would ask, standing up as she stretched, muscles sore from the exertion she put on her body. She ignored the slight ache of her legs and feet, trying to see where Akito had gone backstage, or if he had already left.
She didn’t get far before Akito had found her, not paying much mind to his expression as she perked up.
A hand grabbed her wrist, and before she could question what Akito was doing or if he needed her dad to give him a ride home, she was being pulled through the stray performers who were still backstage talking, likely sorting out their plans for the night.
She stumbled forward as Akito let go, the door shut behind them as An looked around. She recognized this as the dressing room- why had Akito brought her here?
“If you needed me to come with you, you could’ve just asked, you know? Yeesh.” An crossed her arms, confusion lacing her tone despite the more annoyed expression that formed on her face.
Akito didn’t give much of a response, or return the complaints that An had thrown for the sake of banter. She sighed, sitting down on one of the old couches in the room. “O-kay Mr. Grumpy Pants, if you’re going to drag me to a room, the least you could do is offer me an explanation instead of staring into my soul.”
Akito sat down next to her, and let out a small huff. She contemplated what this could be about- the most prevalent idea she found to be the least likely- or rather the outcome she dreaded the most. “Shiraishi.”
The name took her aback, Akito rarely referred to her by her last name, unless he was upset. She tried to make light of the situation, shifting to angle herself enough to face Akito. “Shinonome.”
To her disappointment, the ginger didn’t seem to find her remark humorous, simply glaring at her as if silently judging her for not taking the situation- whatever it was he wanted to discuss, as seriously as he wanted.
“Will you just hurry up and tell me what you dragged me here for?” An dropped the teasing tone, sounding exasperated as she waited for Akito to stop waiting- likely for her to figure it out first.
“Fine.” Akito huffed, and An wondered for a moment if he had realized. She watched as Akito’s face remained blank- steady if not for the way it twitched, as if it wasn’t a representation of what the ginger felt. “When, Shiraishi, and how long?”
An blinked, not fully understanding what it was Akito was trying to ask. Not wanting to tell on herself if it wasn’t about the ‘dreams’.
“I don’t understand what you’re asking. What?” An stared at him, mind glazing over the possibilities.
Akito’s eyes narrowed, looking almost unconvinced that An was being completely truthful. “How long. I know damn well Miku told you.”
“Akito, I-” She took a breath, resisting the urge to pinch the bridge of her nose. “I don’t know how I wasn’t clear the first time, but you need to give me more information.”
The ginger leaned back, sighing as he picked at the skin on his neck. An could tell he was annoyed that she wasn’t letting up, not knowing what to assume by the little context she’d been given. “How long have you been fucking around with my memories or whatever the fuck Miku showed you.”
The question sounded blunt, not properly expressing the extent of Akito’s discontent.
An’s breathing felt unsteady. “Oh.”
She tried to ignore the way Akito looked unimpressed with her response- or lack thereof. She didn’t know how to explain herself at that moment, or how to make up for what was definitely an invasion of privacy- even if she found herself unable to control it.
“Well?” Akito asked, and An could feel him staring straight through her.
He deserved an answer- though An hadn’t kept track past the first few instances. She wanted to give an honest answer, but the only honest answer she could give meant next to nothing. It only sounded like an excuse.
“I don’t know.” An looked away for a moment, understanding why Akito seemed to be upset at the very least. She couldn’t imagine someone messing with her memories- in that manner at the very least. “Probably a few weeks, did Miku tell you-”
“It doesn’t matter how I found out, Shiraishi. You should have come forward about it yourself.” Akito cut her off, and An found herself unable to deny what Akito was saying. She should have, though she didn’t.
She brought a leg up to rest on the couch, not paying mind to the possibility of leaving a mark of any sort on the furniture. It didn’t matter as much now- she had something else to prioritise. “Akito, I’m sorry,” She started, not quite sure where to go from there, unsure of how to really explain herself. “I didn’t have control over it. I didn’t mean to invade your privacy but- whatever. You get what I mean.”
She waited for Akito to say anything- though it was apparent that there wasn’t much for either to say. It felt odd; being sympathetic- or at least vulnerable around Akito. Bickering and petty arguments made up the majority of their interactions, and most statements came off as annoyed, even when concern was the intention behind certain statements.
“Look- you told me you wanted me to fuck off. I’m not here to haunt you or something like that.” An paused, as she wondered if how she communicated with Akito made her attempts to help seem hostile or her getting into his business. “I’m not trying to lecture you, but if this was a result of the Sekai, or something Miku did, maybe it’s something you needed? You can’t shove people away who want to help.”
Akito derided the idea, and An no longer knew how to communicate that sentiment and have herself be heard.
“Akito, do you really want me to fuck off?” An’s tone shifted as she asked, sounded more blunt- more straight forwards in comparison to the softer one she tried to use moments ago. “I was going to come look for you anyways and ask if you needed a ride home, but if you’re really set on getting rid of me and anyone who gives a few fucks, then I’ll leave.”
“Do what you want, Shiraishi.” Akito sighed, and the same frustration An had tried to ignore began to gnaw at her. “Wouldn’t be the first time you disappeared on me.”
It felt impossible to get through to him.
“Yeah and you wouldn’t be alone if you didn’t try to drive away anyone who tries to help you.” An muttered under her breath as she faced Akito once more, the angle a bit uncomfortable. “Well you dragged me over here, so this is about whatever the fuck you want. So tell me what that is so I can make it up to you at least somewhat, and please be honest with yourself.”
She wasn’t surprised that Akito took a minute to respond, giving him time to think over his answer.
She wouldn’t bother trying to help if nothing got through to him, and would fuck off if given the word.
“Shiraishi-” Akito sucked in a short breath. “An, you. Just- Stay for right now. You promised you’d stay anyways so just- don’t break that promise again or whatever.”
An didn’t mind that Akito was no longer looking at her. This was the closest she’d get to getting through to him, even if it was roundabout in some ways.
“Wouldn’t dream of it, Akito.”
She didn’t question the way Akito moved closer to her and rested his head on her shoulder, opting to slip an arm around his back as she made a mental note to text her dad she’d be home a little late. This was more important, and for once, this wasn’t a dream.
An could only hope that Akito could find some sort of comfort through the company of another.
Through the company she provided him.