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‘’You sure you don’t want to come out with us tonight?’’ Brian asked as the group exited of the stage and in to the hustle of back stage as Adam nodded,
‘’Im sure, going to take myself a nice bath and get some sleep, that performance tired me out’’ Adam lied to the others, dismissing the frown which Tommy was sending towards him before Brain clapped Adam on the shoulder.
‘’Alright man, we will see you back at the hotel in a bit for dinner’’ He told him before walking away, a pause in Tommy’s footsteps as he glanced over at Adam again.
‘’You sure you’re okay’’ He asked and Adam nodded softly with a smile before giving Tommy a quick hug,
‘’Im sure babe, you go enjoy yourself tonight before we have to leave this city’’ Adam’s smile teased his lips up but never quite reached his eyes as Tommy frowned again but nodded.
‘’Okay, but you know you can talk to me if you want’’ Tommy told him as he nodded,
‘’I know, thanks glitter baby’’ Adam grinned before Tommy laughed and started to walk away again, a quick glance over his shoulder caught Adam rubbing his temples slightly and his smile fading as he looked round the area slightly, his facial expression making Tommy feel like there was something deeper wrong with Adam then he was telling before he moved and vanished from his view.
He walked slowly through the crowds of backstage, saying brief sorry’s as he knocked in to people after being jolted in to by others, people stared at him with awe, some with jealously as he worked his way back to the dressing room which he was using before stepping inside to find his manager already there.
‘’Great show tonight Adam, you have about five intervi-‘’
‘’Cancel them’’ He stated simply as he cut Lane off, her eyes snapping up to him as he dropped down in to the makeup chair and stared in to the mirror at his reflection.
‘’What did you just say?’’ She asked as he sighed,
‘’Cancel them all Lane, I don’t want to do any interviews today, tomorrow anytime soon, im tired, I want to go home and I just feel fucking uncomfortable here’’ he gasped out as he leaned forward and grabbed his things and started to pack them away before he stood and grabbed his bag and pushed everything inside.
‘’Is everything okay Adam?’’ She asked softly as he sighed and let his head bow slightly but not before he caught a glimpse of his eyes in the mirror, the empty hollow look scaring him as he nodded.
‘’Just fine and dandy Lane’’ He muttered as he turned and grabbed his jacket, he would change and shower back at the hotel.
‘’What do you want me to tell them?’’
‘’Just say im ill or something, I don’t know, you are good with this shit im not, tell them I fucking died for all I care just as long as I can get a flipping day to myself’’ Adam cursed out as he grabbed his bag and pulled it over his shoulder and started for the door.
‘’Adam’’ The tone in Lane’s voice had him stopping with a sigh before he turned and looked back at her. ‘’talk to someone please’’ She asked softly as he nodded and headed out in to the busy back stage area again as he made his way towards the exit where he knew a car would be waiting for him to go back to the hotel with the others.
Climbing in, Adam pulled the hood of the jacket he had on up and over his head as he pulled his iPhone out his pocket and checked it to see a few tweets from fans, friends and a few other people but no calls or texts. Pushing his headphones in, he ignored the worried looks which he was getting from the rest of the band as let himself get lost in the music of Solange, her words hitting deep and hurting slightly as he breathed out, heart tight before he looked down and quickly skipped a few songs before the familiar sound of ihmisten edessä started playing, the song reminded him of Sauli back home in the states, the way they didn’t care what people thought when they went walking around hand in hand, the way Sauli made him feel stronger with whatever they did together.
Getting lost in his thought’s again, Adam jumped as a hand touched his shoulder and he turned to see Tommy looking at him with a worried expression before he pulled a headphone out and looked at him.
‘’Hotel’’ He said softly before climbing out again as Adam nodded and started to slowly move himself until he was stood staring up at the large building which had been home for the past few days. Grabbing his bag again, Adam followed the group inside before he walked over to the desk to grab his key card again and headed towards the elevators, pausing as one opened and a few people got out, Adam stepped inside the mirrored box and lent back against the wall, bag between his feet as he slid his hands deep in to his pockets and finally took a deep breath as the doors started to slid shut, his eyes glancing up just in time to see Tommy staring at him again with worry, he hated how much Tommy worried about him and had done since they came back on the small promo tour, he felt like a small child in the care of his nanny and being told of for doing the tiniest of things all the time.
Getting to his hotel room, Adam unlocked the door before stepping inside and grabbed the do not disturb sign and placed it over the handle of his door before closing it again and numbly locked it behind him.
Staring at his hands for a while which still rested against the door, Adam choked on a breath which turned in to a half sob as he felt all his emotions come crashing down around him, his walls finally breaking their hold as a tidal wave of pain flooded through Adam’s body, his small breakdown finally free as he hung his head and closed his eyes sharply to try and stop the tears from falling as well.
Taking a deep breath, Adam dragged his exhausted body over to the bed and sat down on the edge as numb fingers reached out and turned the lamp on as his other hand pulled his phone out and he started to move through his contacts until he came across the one voice he wanted to hear the most, the body he missed to touch.
Taking a few shuddering breaths as he pressed dial and held the phone to his ear, Adam closed his eyes and tried to let the emotion drain from him as a voice filled the other end cheerily, no matter what time of day or not, his voice was always cheery.
‘’I fucking miss you so much’’ Adam breathed out to the hello he received.
‘’Adam’’ Sauli’s voice quickly filled with concern for his boyfriend who was currently on the other side of the world, it felt like a life time away since he had last heard from the singer and yet even apart he knew there was something wrong.
‘’I...I just want to be home with you Sauli, nothing feels like home here and I miss you so much, I feel so god damn uncomfortable here, I don’t understand the things they say when they talk to me, I just stand there waiting for the translation to be fed through my ear piece, I just want you in my arms baby’’ Adam gushed out, his voice breaking slightly as he leaned on his knees and pressed the heel of his hand to his forehead slightly as he battled to keep his tears back.
‘’Breathe deeply’’ Sauli spoke softly but Adam done it anyway as he took a deep breath and slowly let it out again, ‘’that’s it Adam, you will be home soon and I will lay with you for however long you need me too’’
‘’I wish you were here’’ Adam whispered as a single tear fell, ‘’I miss your touch, I miss home…I…I just want…’’Adam trailed off as a small sob broke free and he rubbed at the traitor of his eyes as he listened to Sauli make hushing sounds and telling him not to cry, ‘’I feel so weak baby’’ Adam admitted, ‘’you’re the stronger one of us both, I feel like nothing when I haven’t got your hand in mine, Minä rakastan sinua’’
‘’I love you too baby, I always will and you are strong on your own Adam’’ Sauli told his boyfriend in a loving tone which seemed to make Adam’s tears fall harder before he kicked his shoes off and moved up on to the bed and curled around a pillow, his phone pressed against his ear as he closed his eyes, he felt broken open and bare, Adam hadn’t felt like this since he was a teenager and it scared him.
‘’I don’t want to lose you Sauli,’’ He whispered out numbly, his whole body shaking with silent sobs as he tightened his arms around the pillow.
‘’Not going anywhere, always going to be here, aina ja ikuisesti Adam’’ Sauli whispered soothingly as Adam choked on a sob.
‘’Aina ja ikuisesti?’’ Adam asked confused slightly as he tried to calm his breathing, he knew a few basic words and sentences which Sauli had taught him, mainly when they had been in bed together making love or sat out in the fading light of the sunset, just sharing moments together and learning new things about each other again.
‘’Forever and always’’ Sauli told him, a soft laugh in his voice which made a small smile tug the corners of Adam’s lips up before it fell again, the same empty feeling spreading through his body quickly. As if he sensed Adam’s thoughts and feelings, Sauli sighed deeply and thought about what he could do before he smiled to himself, ‘’Where’s Tommy?’’ He asked as Adam sucked another deep breath in.
‘’Gone out with the others, didn’t want him worrying any more’’ Adam told him quietly and Sauli frowned before he stood and walked across to the draw which Adam kept all the telephone numbers in and pulled it open as he started to look through it.
‘’Why didn’t you talk to him baby, he worries about you and cares’’ Sauli spoke out as Adam sighed.
‘’Didn’t want him spending the last night stuck in a hotel room with a sulking 30 year old when he should be out enjoying himself’’ Adam muttered out and Sauli smiled softly as he thought about the pout which would be on his boyfriends face right now.
‘’He wouldn’t care Adam’’ Sauli told him and Adam groaned in to the pillow.
‘’I care’’ He mumbled.
Moving an arm under his head slightly, Adam swallowed deeply before he moved again and pulled the pillow closer to him as a new numbing feeling settled through his bones deeply and pull of tears again.
‘’I just want to be touching you, I feel like I’ve forgotten what you feel like’’ Adam whispered, his broken voice sounded strange to himself and he hated how he was acting like a small child not getting his own way, ‘’I wish I made you come with me so I didn’t have to miss you so bad’’ Adam whispered again as Sauli sighed on the other end of the line, America seemed a galaxy away from where he was, he felt like it would take another life time for him to be back in California with his loved one.
‘’Adam, my love, you are worrying to much, don’t make yourself ill, now call Tommy and talk to him, hug him just don’t be alone beautiful’’ Sauli spoke, his words filled with warmth and love which made more tears escape Adam’s eyes as he felt his body break down again. ‘’Shhh, Shh my love it will be all alright in the end, you are Adam Lambert, you are strong and unstoppable. You will be home before you know it’’ Sauli told him as he took shuddering breathes again, ‘’now get off that bed and put the pillow back which I know you’re hugging, hang up the phone and get undressed and shower to rid your beautiful face of that make up and get in to bed, sleep love’’ Sauli whispered soothingly and Adam closed his eyes.
‘’But I don’t want to go to sleep’’ Adam whined as Sauli laughed softly,
‘’Now now my love, listen to me, you will come to thank me in the morning when you have nice clean skin’’ He spoke and Adam sighed deeply knowing that his boyfriend was right.
‘’I love you Sauli’’ Adam whispered on a broken breath as he slowly moved and pushed himself to sit on the edge of the bed again, the place he first started the phone call off,
‘’Hyvää yötä Adam’’ Sauli whispered back as Adam closed his eyes and swallowed.
‘’Night baby’’ He whispered back before a soft silence fell between the both of them until the call ended and Adam stayed sat there, his phone in his hands tightly as he slowly lowered it away from his ear and stared down at his screensaver of him and Sauli together, he loved the photo the moment it was taken and he couldn’t stop thanking Tommy enough for it.
Placing his phone down on the side table, Adam slowly pushed himself to his feet and started to move by memory alone as he undressed and crossed to the bathroom where his sleep pants and tank top was already waiting for him since this morning, blanking out slightly as he moved, Adam soon found himself standing under the spray of hot water which was just this side of too hot but he didn’t seem to care as he pressed his hands to the walls and bowed his head again. He still felt numb and empty without Sauli’s touch but just hearing his voice for a while seemed to help with some of the ache inside of his heart.
Standing for what felt like hours, Adam started to slowly wash the dirt and grime from his body with the vanilla scented body wash before washing his hair free of products and turned the water off again after the last soap bubble washed from his red skin, climbing out and wrapping himself in one of the large fluffy towels, he sat down on the closed toilet seat, staring at the floor for a while before shivers rocked through his body from the cold and from the exhaustion which he felt.
Dressing in silence apart from the soft hum of the fan in the too bright bathroom, Adam moved around on auto pilot again before he tugged the tank top on and let it fall halfway down his thighs and over the sleep pants as he clicked the lights off and retreated back to his bed before dropping back down on to the edge, arms resting over his hands as he let a deep sigh out.
‘’I knew there was something wrong’’ A voice spoke out quietly and slowly, yet Adam still jumped and turned to look through the rooms darkness towards Tommy as he stood at the door, his arms crossed over his chest before he pushed away and walked towards the younger man.
‘’Why are you here?’’ Adam quickly asked as Tommy pushed him back and lifted the covers up and over his legs before he moved away and kicked his own shoes off and slipped in beside him.
‘’Sauli called me’’ Tommy told him simply before he tugged the covers further over them and pulled Adam closer to his chest, the larger man’s head resting on the joint of his shoulder and neck as he took a shaky breath again, ‘’gave me orders to not leave you alone and to hug you all night long if I had too until you felt better’’ Tommy whispered as he ran his hand over Adam’s arm softly,
‘’You were going out’’ Adam mumbled but still turned in to the smaller man and held on to him tightly.
‘’Nah dude, told the guys I was staying in the moment I took a look at you in the elevator, some shit about grabbing 40 winks before we leave, they believed me’’ Tommy chuckled, ‘’now sleep, your boyfriend gets scary when he starts yelling things in Finnish to me dude, as much as I love him like a brother, he still scares me’’ Tommy whispered, the words slowly bringing a soft smile to Adam’s lips before he let a small laugh out. ‘’fuck yes! I got the big depressed bear to laugh’’ Tommy hooted before Adam pushed him slightly and groaned.
‘’I can’t believe he called you’’ Adam whined out as he curled back in to Tommy’s body again and tried to get comfortable as his eyes closed and he yawned.
‘’Well he thought that he should have back up in case you didn’t do what he told you to do, asked me if I was going out with the others and when I told him that I wasn’t he ordered me to your room.’’ Tommy said softly, ‘’got Lane to give me the spare key card, told her I left my stuff in your room from when we were all in here the other night’’ He sighed before lowering down in the bed slightly and wrapped his arms back around Adam.
‘’Evil’’ Adam mutter’s and Tommy smiles softly to the darkness as he lightly runs his fingers up Adam’s arm and in to his hair slightly like Sauli had told him to do to get him to relax enough to fall in to sleep.
Come morning, Adam turned and snuggled back in to the crook of Tommy’s neck, an arm wrapping tightly around his waist as he groaned with the headache forming just behind his eyes, his neck sore from the way he had slept before Tommy shifted in his sleep and turned his back to Adam before a hand fell over his on his side and fingers linked through fingers, Adam loved this relationship he had with Tommy, they acted like lovers yet they were best friends, Tommy’s relationship with his girlfriend was still going strong after being with her for just over a year now and his and Sauli’s two year relationship was still as brand new as it was the very first night they met in that club.
‘’Stop thinking, sleeping ere’ ‘’ Tommy’s sleep filled voice spoke out from in front and Adam grinned slightly before he snuggled closer and buried his face in to Tommy’s fabric covered shoulder again.
‘’Sorry’’ he mumbled back which received a small grunting sound from his guitarist before Adam let himself fall slowly back to sleep again, hanging loosely on the edge of being asleep and awake as the light of the room slowly changed to a deeper grey before starting to mellow out lighter again as a brand new day started.
‘’Sauli’s right you know’’ Tommy groaned out a while later as yellow light started to stretch out across the shadows, capturing it in her light and creating a dance with the dust which lifted.
‘’What’’ Adam asked confused and still half asleep and buried in warmth.
‘’That you’re like a fucking spider monkey, now move over, you ass before I fall out of this bed’’ Tommy complained before shoving an elbow back and catching Adam in the side.
‘’Bitch’’
‘’Diva’’
‘’Twink’’
‘’Giant’’
‘’Kitten’’ Laughing softly at their little name calling, Tommy turned over and wiggled his way in under Adam’s arm and curled himself up as small as he could before he sighed in content.
‘’Proud of it teddy bear’’ Tommy muttered out as he pulled the covers closer and let the silence fall between them again.
‘’Thank you’’ Adam whispered softly as he reached up and trailed his fingers through Tommy’s hair, ‘’I really mean it, you’re my best friend and I should’ve come to you and not have my boyfriend call you up from the other side of the world just to kick my ass in to gear’’ Adam told him as Tommy smiled and shrugged slightly.
‘’It’s fine dude, Sauli is wise, he knew and understood that you were home sick and knew that you just needed a little comfort, we all get it Adam, some just deals with it better than others’’ Tommy shrugged as he uncurled himself slightly to look up at his friend, ‘’but next time you feel like it, tell me before you go all mopey on me’’ Tommy grinned before leaning up and pressed a quick kiss to his lips and quickly climbed out of the bed, ‘’but im going to go and change, I feel all tacky and horrid for sleeping in my clothes and im fucking starving man’’ He moaned as Adam laughed slightly and sat up against the headboard.
‘’You can always shower here and call room service if you wanted’’ Adam told Tommy who turned and smiled at him,
‘’Nah it’s alright, plus Sauli wants you to call him’’ He winked as he finished tugging his shoes on and headed towards the door, ‘’Remember, im here to talk to Adam’’ Tommy told him as Adam nodded and waved slightly as he left, the door closing softly behind him before Adam stretched and then rolled over in his bed, stealing the warmth which Tommy had left behind, he blindly reached for his phone and dialed the number off by heart before moving it to his ear as it rang.
‘’Minä rakastan sinua Sauli’’ He left on the answer phone before hanging up again and placed his phone back on the side as he laid in bed with a smile, the feeling of yesterday’s break down and tears all but gone from his body which felt lighter than last night, his head clear apart from the small nagging headache which he knew would go when he finally got something to eat, but most of all, Adam knew that he didn’t need to be in the same country for Sauli to be near him, he was always with Adam, deep inside his heart where he had carved himself a nice little spot to live and point blank refuse to move which Adam didn’t mind, he never wanted Sauli to move from the little spot and he planned on keeping him there for the rest of his life.
He was happy, he had his boyfriend and the best friends in the world as his band, he had his family and his music, Adam knew that he would probably have other breakdowns again like last night where he missed the touch of his boyfriend and the feeling of being at home but he knew it was worth it every time he got to see the smile which was only for him every time he stepped through the front door of their home after a long trip away.
Sauli was his and Sauli was home.