Chapter Text
12 years ago
It’s been a long time coming, honestly. One way or another, Ava has always kind of known that she has more than strictly platonic feelings for her best friend. Then again, it kind of is a rite of passage for most wlw as they grow up and figure out their sexuality. Because it’s just— so easy to do.
Natural, in a lot of ways, too.
It makes sense, to have feelings for the person you are closest to. Because there is already that foundation built in of intensely caring for them and knowing everything there is to know about them. Not to mention the ways in which this type of friendship already feels like more when compared to others. Because they are your best friend so why wouldn’t they be your favorite person in the entire world? Why wouldn’t they be the person you go to bed thinking about and waking up the next morning to do the exact same? Why wouldn’t they be the person you picture when you think of the future and who you want in it?
So, really, if anything, it’s just the next logical step. To realize that in addition to all of these other things, you also think about what it would be like to kiss them and feel a sudden flare up of jealousy when the thought of them dating comes to mind. Dating someone else. Someone else who isn’t you.
It can be an incredibly delicate situation because of all that you stand to lose by confessing your feelings but, Ava thinks, the possibility that it could all be worth it in the end is too great a reward not to risk it. And even so, she knows that it may take some time for them to get back to where they were prior if Beatrice were to reject her, but eventually, they could recoup most of what they had lost. Because they are best friends. And best friends don’t turn their backs on one another. It was practically written in the rulebook at this point.
Ava wants more, because of course she wants more, but she also feels secure in having their multiple years of friendship to fall back on if things go awry. No matter what, it would be okay. It just would.
With that final thought, Ava steeled herself and finally raised her fist to knock on Beatrice’s front door a solid seven times in the same rhythm she always did because it sounded like a song and always made Beatrice smile upon opening the door.
Today was no exception.
“Ava.” She smiled softly before stepping aside to make room for her to enter. “Come on in.”
Ava nodded politely and followed her inside. “Thanks.”
Beatrice led them to her bedroom like always.
“I didn’t realize you were coming over today.”
To be honest, Ava hadn’t really realized it either until she went out for a walk to try and clear her head and ended up right there on Beatrice’s doorstep. The thought did occur to her that she could easily turn back around, that no one would have known she was there. But this had gone on for long enough and quite frankly, it was starting to feel like her feelings were eating her alive at this point. The longer she kept it bottled up the worse she felt. She had never been any good at keeping secrets anyways, least of all from Bea.
“Well, I just happened to be in the neighborhood.” Ava responded, Beatrice moving to close her bedroom door silently behind them.
Having known Beatrice for so long she knew that her parents wouldn’t be home for at least another hour and that they had the house to themselves. But still, she appreciated the gesture of the added privacy. They would probably need it after all for this conversation.
“Really?” Beatrice asked, one eyebrow raising in suspicion. “Even though you live a couple of miles from me and there is no one else you are friends with in this neighborhood you somehow found yourself… in the area?”
Busted.
“Okay maybe I walked over here because I wanted to talk to you. Can’t a girl just want to see her best friend?”
Beatrice laughed softly. “That’s what I figured. But of course you can, you know I am always happy to see you.”
Ava’s cheeks flushed as she glanced away to stare at her shoes anxiously. “Me too.” She said under her breath before clearing her throat and meeting Beatrice’s eyes once again. “Which is um, kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah.” Ava nodded. “There’s something I have been meaning to tell you for a while but now I just couldn’t seem to wrack up the nerves to do it until today.”
This was no coincidence, even though Ava preferred if Beatrice thought it was. The truth was, when one of the boys in their grade, Dean, had approached Bea and asked if maybe she wanted to hang out sometime, Ava decided right then and there that this couldn’t wait any longer. Because although Beatrice declined his offer today, that didn’t mean she would in the future.
Ava was on borrowed time, she knew that. She simply couldn’t afford to waste anymore.
“Is everything alright?” Beatrice asked, concern evident in the way her facial expression tensed, eyebrows furrowing together.
“Yeah it’s not… it’s not anything bad. Or at least, I don’t think it is.” She finished, whispering that last bit to herself.
“Ava?”
“I— I have feelings for you. Like, more than just friends feelings. Romantic ones. I mean, I have romantic feelings for you. As more than a friend.” Ava blurted out before she could lose her nerve.
The silence that followed was deafening.
“Bea?” Ava asked cautiously after noticing that Beatrice was no longer looking at her but instead, in a way, through her. Like she wasn’t even there anymore. Ava felt like she was going to be sick.
Beatrice’s eyes finally met her own except this time, all of those pesky walls Ava had spent years dismantling were right back up. As if she were a stranger and nothing more. As if they had never known each other to begin with.
“Why… why would you—” Beatrice started before pausing, a flicker of grief shining in her eyes. “I really wish you hadn’t said that.” She murmured under her breath, though Ava was still able to hear it because she had always been fine tuned in hearing the words Bea said out loud or didn’t. Especially the ones she didn’t.
“I don’t think it would be wise for us to spend time alone together anymore.” Beatrice spoke up, mask back firmly in place.
Ava could feel the way all of the air got sucked out of her lungs. Like someone had stolen it without her even being aware it had happened before it was too late. “Why?”
“It wouldn’t be appropriate. We aren’t allowed… it’s not right to feel—”
Before Beatrice could continue on to what Ava knew would be a religious speech about sins and the bible (one of which she has heard Beatrice’s parents spout off more times than she could ever hope to count) she held up her hand in a ‘stop’ gesture. “Save it. You know I don’t agree with those beliefs, Bea. And I don’t think you really do either.”
“Of course I do.” Beatrice snapped defensively. “That is how I was raised and my parents—”
“Your parents, Bea, are homophobic assholes. You know this as well as I do.”
Beatrice crossed her arms over her chest, fingers gripping so tightly Ava could see her knuckles turning white. She could see the internal battle happening inside Beatrice’s head.
She also saw the exact moment she lost. The moment in which that tiny sliver of love and acceptance was squashed by fear and determination. Determination to remain in her comfort zone. Determination not to lose her family and stay in their good graces.
Unfortunately for Ava, she knew the only way Beatrice could accomplish this. By distancing herself as far as she possibly could from Ava.
“Forget I said anything, I’ll go.”
Beatrice looked away from her, refusing to meet her eyes anymore. “That would probably be for the best. I think some time apart would do us both good.”
Ava scoffed, choosing to focus on the anger rather than the sadness bubbling up inside of her. She would not cry in front of Beatrice like this. Not when her friend was so distant she might as well be on another planet right now instead of standing in front of her. “Right. Well, if you ever find the courage to grow a pair and escape out from underneath your parent’s thumbs, come find me. Otherwise, don’t bother.” She finished, leaving the room before Beatrice could even attempt to respond back.
As soon as Ava closed the front door to Beatrice’s house she grit her teeth together, grinding her jaw to prevent any tears from springing forward. “So much for everything being ‘okay’. Apparently, I couldn’t have been more wrong if I tried. Whatever, fuck this.” And with that, Ava jogged the rest of the way back home.
***
When Ava returned home later that afternoon she was met at the door with her mom looking rather excited until she saw the expression on her daughter's face and quickly pulled her in for a hug. Ava allowed herself to finally break down, knowing her mom was right there to pick up the pieces no matter what.
“Ava? What’s wrong sweetheart?”
“I’m an i–idiot. That's w–what’s wrong.” Ava choked out in between sobs.
Her mom shushed her gently, drawing comforting circles on her back. “You’re okay, I’ve got you. Just take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”
How long Ava stayed buried in her mother’s arms she honestly couldn’t say. But eventually, her tears slowed and she felt her voice was even enough to try talking again. She pulled back, wiping her eyes.
Her mom went to grab her some tissues and when she returned, led her to the couch so they could get more comfortable.
“So, are you going to tell me what led to this? I don’t think I have seen you this upset since your ladybug nightlight stopped working.”
Ava snorted, that had been a dark day for 7 year old Ava. “Yeah well, it used to be my most prized possession so could you really blame me?”
“Oh I understood it back then, I just didn’t get why you refused to use the replacement I got you.”
“Because the color was all wrong! The new one looked pink instead of red. It just wasn’t the same.” Ava sighed wistfully.
Her mom smiled fondly at her. “Yes, you were quite adamant about that part though I stand by the fact that it was the exact same brand as before. But nonetheless, what’s going on honey? What happened?”
Ava looked away, picking at the loose threat on her hoodie. “You know how I told you I was thinking about telling Bea my feelings for her?”
Her mother nodded.
“Well, let’s just say things went about as badly as they possibly could have. She basically told me that we shouldn’t hang out together anymore and that we should take a break from seeing one another.”
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. It’s difficult, you know? When you are raised to believe and act a certain way. Sometimes it can take a while to overcome that, even if there is a small part of you that knows deep down it’s not right.”
Ava let out a shuddering breath, forcing back down the tears that clearly wished to make a reappearance. “I know it’s just— the way she looked at me. Like… like she didn’t even know who I was anymore. Like I didn’t even mean anything to her. Like she didn’t care about me anymore. I don’t think I will ever be able to forget that.”
“Maybe, maybe not.” Her mom conceded. “No one knows the future, honey. I think that Beatrice has a lot of emotions to work through and there is no telling how long that may take her. In the meantime though, it might be best just to focus on yourself for the time being. You know? You graduate next year and there is just so much life to live that is still ahead of you.”
“I know.” Ava nodded. “You’re right.”
“I’ve been known to be from time to time.” Her mom winked to which Ava softly laughed. “Speaking of having so much life ahead of you, there is something I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Yeah, sure, what’s up?”
“Do you remember how a couple of months ago I applied for that new job?”
“Of course.” Ava nodded. “It’s a great opportunity for you.”
“Right, well, I am assuming you also remember the part about it being located a couple of states away, requiring us to move.”
She did remember, it was one of the main factors for why her mom was unsure of whether to apply, an amazing opportunity or not. But, Ava had convinced her to do it because it was true that she did graduate next year and after that, Ava wasn’t exactly certain where she might end up. At the time, she hadn’t at all liked the prospect of moving away from Beatrice but she figured if worst came to worst, they would spend a little less than a year apart and Bea could finally get away from her parents and move to where Ava was. It honestly had sounded like a pretty good idea to her but now… well, now, everything was different.
Now, there was nothing keeping her here. No one, more like.
“I do. It’s been a while though since you applied. Did you finally hear something?”
“Oddly enough, I did and well, I was offered the job.” She smiled.
Ava threw her arms around her mom in congratulations. “That’s so amazing mom! No one deserves it more than you.”
Her mother laughed. “Don’t get too excited, I haven’t accepted yet.”
Ava pulled back, eyes narrowing at her mom. “What? Why not?”
“Because, it’s a big decision that I want us to make together. You would have to finish your last year of high school somewhere else and as someone who moved the last semester of their senior year, I know how difficult that can be. I have no doubt you would make new friends because you are far more friendly than I have ever been. But if you aren’t comfortable with it, then I won’t take the job. Simple as that.”
She appreciated the thoughtfulness of the gesture but the more she thought about it, the more she realized, it was completely unnecessary.
“No way are you turning this opportunity down. I think it will be good for both of us, a fresh start somewhere new.”
“Are you sure?” Her mom asked cautiously.
Ava nodded empathetically. “Yes, I’m sure.”
After all, Beatrice had said that they shouldn’t spend time together anymore and to take some time apart. So really, if anything, all Ava was doing was respecting her wishes.
Beatrice wanted a break from her? Then by all means, Ava was more than willing to give her exactly that.
As someone who has grown up with Ava and known her for the majority of her life, Beatrice should know better than anyone— if Bea asked for something, come hell or high water, Ava would without fail give it to her. And this? Well, this was no different.