Chapter Text
Amethyst laid back on her bed, which was really just a pile of random blankets and clothing. She stared up at the ceiling, combating an urge that felt all too familiar. Ever since she had shown Steven the Kindergarten, Amethyst had been battling an urge that she hadn’t had to deal with for several decades. But now that it had returned, it felt so plain. Like it had never gone away.
Slowly she bit her lip hard, tormented by the harsh voice that repeated over and over inside of her head. It was nothing less than torture. Nothing less than an addiction that was resurfacing.
Cut. Cut. Cut.
Quickly Amethyst sat up, trying her best to breathe slowly. To take back control. She ran her hands through her messy ivory hair, trying to get ahold of herself.
They don’t have to know. Just cut.
She gripped her hair and pulled on it roughly, growling in frustration. Even after Pearl had apologized, guilt had eaten away at her. She hadn’t thought that she was upset about it?! That the reason she was made, the only reason she even existed, was to help destroy the very planet that she had been created on?!
You know you’re bad. You deserve this.
Soft, silent tears slowly trickled down Amethyst’s cheeks. She did deserve this. She was nothing more than a bad gem. And her only purpose was to ruin this planet. Rose had been the one to always reassure her. She wasn’t bad unless she chose to be. But Amethyst knew better.
She had no purpose other than to destroy the Earth.
Quickly Amethyst summoned her weapon, pulling out her whip and picking up one of the gem tips. Without a moment’s hesitation, she pulled up the right side of her shirt and tucked it under her armpit. Swiftly she pressed the razor-sharp tip of the gem to her hip and dragged.
Pain sparked through her as Amethyst’s skin was parted. Instantly the voices screaming in her head silenced. Slowly she breathed in and out, staring at the wound she had made.
It was deeper than she expected, violet-red blood spilling out and soaking into her pants. Amethyst laid back on her bed and sighed shakily. She hated it, but it felt so good.
But a voice that was all too familiar shattered Amethyst’s delicate relief.
“Amethyst! We have to go! We have an urgent mission to attend to!”
It was Pearl. Of all the gems and humans on the entire Earth, it had to be Pearl.
Amethyst swore violently and sat up, wincing at the searing pain that pulsed on her hip. Quickly she grabbed a random bit of clothing and pressed it to the weeping gash. She would have to properly bandage it later. Swiftly Amethyst dismissed her weapon, one hand keeping the cloth against her leaking wound. This was so incredibly stupid.
But Amethyst didn’t regret what she did. She knew with every fiber of her being that she had deserved it. At least, that is how she felt. She hated herself more than anything in existence.
Once the bleeding had finally stopped, Amethyst covered the fresh cut with her shirt, hoping that the black fabric would hide any blood that might seep through. Quickly she left her room from the temple, walking out into Steven’s room and onto the teleport pad. She forced a smile, and was met with an annoyed and impatient Pearl.
“Where have you been?! We almost left without you!” Pearl exclaimed, putting her hands on her slender hips. Garnet stood behind her, her arms crossed and waiting for Amethyst to answer.
Amethyst tried to lighten up the mood with a small laugh. “You know me, Pearl. So why even bother to ask?”
A heavy sigh pushed its way out of Pearl’s lips. “We don’t have time for this. Let’s just go. Come on, Steven. And be careful.”
Steven came down the stairs from his bedroom, smiling brightly and carrying his cheeseburger backpack. He was always so excited whenever he was allowed to come on missions. It always brought a smile to Amethyst’s face. Steven’s smile was almost like Rose’s sometimes.
It was hard to smile, but there was no way that Amethyst could break in front of them, let alone Steven. Seeing her cry once was enough.
So she kept smiling despite her pain. Amethyst loved Steven, and didn’t want him or anyone else to get hurt because of her. It was bad enough that she had relapsed after so long. She could only imagine what Rose would do if she were here. If she was, she’d be able to see right past her fake smile.
But she wasn’t here. And she was never coming back. Amethyst took a deep breath as she felt another wave of emotion tingle through her body. Things really had taken a turn for the worst.
With a burst of light, the teleport pad hummed to life, taking them off. Amethyst remained quiet, distracted from the throbbing pain in her side. And the only person to take notice of her strange behavior was none other than Garnet.
“Amethyst. You’re quiet today. Is everything alright?”
Amethyst jumped when Garnet said her name. It was almost like she was demanding an answer, not asking a question. Her heart seemed to leap into her throat.
“Who, me? Of couuurse G! Never been better!” Amethyst laughed uneasily, giving Garnet a weak smile.
Garnet’s expression remained stern, and she gently rested a hand on Amethyst’s shoulder. Quickly Amethyst tensed, just as she always did whenever she was touched after…well, after punishing herself. New tears welled in Amethyst’s eyes. She could never hide anything from Garnet.
“Garnet. I-I’m sorry.”
Without a word, Garnet pulled Amethyst into a gentle hug, and Amethyst couldn’t hold back. She cried into Garnet’s shoulder, shaking as she did so. She was so embarrassed. She didn’t want anyone to see her like this.
“Amethyst? Why are you crying? What happened?” Steven asked, his voice thick with concern.
“Pearl. We need to go home. Amethyst isn’t feeling well.” Garnet spoke firmly, gently rubbing Amethyst’s back.
Pearl opened her mouth to protest, but was quickly silenced by a stern look from Garnet. She knew that it must be really serious if they were willing to put a mission on hold.
She had no idea just how serious it was.