Work Text:
Sae did something stupid and he doesn't know how to fix it.
About seven and a half months ago he met a guy. His initial thoughts on him had been that he was annoying, aggressive, crude, loud, stubborn, volatile, and the list goes on. Despite how much the man got Sae's nerve he couldn't help but find the man stunning. He was gorgeous. From head to toe he was absolutely beautiful. Beautiful in a way Sae never thought he'd be attracted to.
He's never cared for Gyarus or Gyaruos. He's never cared for the loud neon colors, dyed hair, eccentric makeup, wild fashion and the many accessories or the slang. He's never cared for them. So when he starts finding himself attracted to it he feels his head start spinning. He'd never felt this way before. He'd never stared into those bright pink eyes before and when he does it's suffocating. He's never held his hand before and when he does his heart beats so fast he might be dying. He's never kissed someone and when he does it's awkward. He had pressed his lips against the other's without warning causing their teeth to clash. Sae had never felt more embarrassed in that moment. Sae thought that he'd pull away from the poor excuse of a kiss that Sae tried to give and laugh at how pathetic he was.
He should've known that the poor excuse of a kiss he gave would only excite the man. He should've realized the man was serious about wanting him. He should've known that, but when he tried to pull away from the kiss he couldn't help being surprised that he was suddenly dragged into another. A kiss much softer than Sae's. A kiss that tasted like strawberry lip gloss. A kiss that lasted so long they only stopped to gasp for air before continuing. In that moment Sae felt as if the man he called his demon might actually be an angel. From how soft his lips were to how beautiful he sounded as he gasped for air before guiding Sae back into the kiss. Sae felt like his head was going to explode as his hands were gently grabbed and guided to each side of tanned hips that were exposed by a crop top. He let his nails sink into the soft hips gripping tighter as if afraid the other would leave any second.
That kiss had been etched into Sae's mind along with each kiss after. Every kiss after was just as passionate if not more. Sae savored each time their lips would melt together. He savored the way hands would fly to the back of his neck and pull him closer as a form of silent begging.
He loved the warmth of his hands on him, on his neck, chest or hands.
He loved holding hands. He loved the way their fingers would lock together. Their hands fit together like puzzle pieces. He misses that. Sae misses the way his eyes lit up when Sae initiated the hand holding. He misses when they would just sit in silence watching a movie and Sae would massage his hand with his thumb. He misses running his thumb over his rough skin to trace the veins on his hand. He misses when they would be doing something and Sae's attention was somewhere else he would gently squeeze his hand to get his attention.
He misses him and his eccentric personality. He misses when he would just talk and talk and talk about stuff that didn't matter. He misses his attention.
Sae remembers when he first asked him for his number during the U-20 match. He was annoying then and Sae liked that. Despite how annoyed and disgusted Sae acted he really did like it. He liked when the antenna haired man made lewd comments on and off the soccer field. He loved his cocky attitude and his shit-eating grin. He liked whenever he made outrageous bets with every intention of succeeding even if he was bound to fail. He liked it when he jumped on him after making a goal. Sae liked how he made his heart skip a beat by betting Sae for his number. He loved the way his heart raced at his declaration that at ten goals he'd move in with Sae.
Sae liked him asking for his number immediately after scoring.
He liked when they started to text. He liked when after a month or two the texting turned into calling. He liked falling asleep on the phone with him and waking up to the same call that'd been going on for 9+ hours. Sae enjoyed the four months of this. He liked when throughout the past five months the other would talk about PXG and his stupid arguments with Sae's brother Rin.
_______________
Sae had been in Japan to renew his passport and visit family. Sae liked when Blue Lock had another two week break and he showed up to his apartment after being released. He liked how when he opened the door he tackled him into a hug that almost caused them to fall. He liked how he invited himself to live at Sae's for the break. Sae liked sharing a bed with him. Sae liked watching him sleep. He always looked calmer and beautiful. He liked waking up to him wrapped in Sae's arms. He loved how he looked sleeping as the sun poured through the curtains onto his tan skin. Sae liked when he woke up and smiled like Sae was the best thing to ever exist. He didn't like when he would untangle himself from Sae to get up. He did like watching him do his stupid morning routine. He really liked it, just so he could appreciate his athletic physique. He was analyzing his ass only because he was an athlete assessing another athlete. That's the only reason he watched him sunbathe.
He liked his voice too. It was smooth and made Sae feel warm for different reasons. He liked his laugh too. It had different levels. It was either soft and enticing or loud and exciting. He liked watching movies with him so he could hear him laugh. Sae liked watching him instead of the movies. He loved watching how he reacted to movies. He loved memorizing and learning his emotions. He loved the way his expressions could change so much in a matter of minutes. Sae loves how different he is from him. He liked whatever this was. He liked whatever they were doing together. He liked living together and spending time alone together.
That was a problem.
Sae doesn't have time for emotions.
Sae doesn't deserve to have him in his life.
Sae doesn't deserve to feel love or to be loved.
Sae doesn't have time to be in love. He has soccer. He needs to focus on soccer. He shouldn't have gotten so attached so fast. He shouldn't want this to be a permanent thing.
He doesn't need to be in love.
He doesn't need to be in a relationship.
He doesn't need to be happy.
He doesn't need him.
He doesn't.
But he wants him.
He wants to play football with him.
He wants to hold him.
He wants to touch him
He wants to kiss him.
He wants to date him.
And as stupid as it is, he wants to be with him for a long time. He wants to cherish him, to love him, to comfort him and to even marry.
He wants him.
He wants to tell him that.
But Sae being himself, does something stupid.
It'd been the second Thursday of the second two week break from Blue Lock. It was about eleven P.M. as they sat in the living room cuddled next to each other as they watched a movie. The movie was something Sae turned on out of boredom. As Sae watched the movie the tan gyaruo walked in and sat beside him. Sae turned his head slightly to look at him as laid against Sae. His legs curled into his chest with his arms wrapped around his knees. Sae liked this. He liked that the other had no makeup and no gelled hair right now. It felt nice to be able to see him in his natural state and like always he was handsome. Sae watched him for a minute as the movie reflected in his eyes and the TV's glow graced his tan skin. Sae sighed softly as he appreciated the sight before turning back to look at the movie.
They sat in silence for the next hour and a half watching the two hour movie curled into each other. Sae felt the warmth around his arm from their arms linked together. He felt the relaxing weight of the other man's head resting on his shoulder. Sae liked it, he wanted it to last.
"Sae.."
His voice was soft and smooth. Much calmer than usual. Sae hadn't actually heard him this calm before. He also never called Sae by his name only. It was always some nickname or honorific attached. Sae had grown accustomed to being called 'Sae-chan', 'under lashes', 'lower lashes', 'angel', and a bunch of other nicknames that he gave to him over the course of the past seven and a half months. It made him slightly nervous that he was being called by his name only but he responded with his usual firm and melancholic voice.
"Ryuusei.."
Ever since they met Sae has always liked saying the name and the way it flowed from his mouth.
"I love you."
Sae felt his throat close as his eyes landed on Shidou. His voice felt stuck and Shidou just sat and stared at the TV. He didn't even look at Sae. Shidou's words had been so calm and soft Sae wasn't sure if he had actually said them. After an excruciatingly long second Sae managed to speak, his voice still calm and collected despite how he felt.
"What did you say?"
After a moment of silence Sae began to think maybe he really did imagine it and he wasn't sure if that made him feel better or worse. But after Sae began doubting Shidou said anything he spoke again.
"I said I love you. I love you and I want to be with you."
Sae could feel his heart racing. He could practically hear his heart pounding in his ears. A wave of emotions hit him at Ryuusei's words, anxiety, excitement, confusion, dread and love. It all felt like too much. He pulled away from Shidou causing the other to finally look at him. Shidou looked confused and worried as Sae pulled away.
Sae didn't know what to say but he did know that he wanted Shidou and he wanted to date him. He wanted to say how much he loved him and how he was glad Ryuusei loved him back. Instead he did something stupid. His mouth moved before he could figure out what to say.
"No."
He responded with a firm voice that almost sounded angry. He stared Ryuusei in the eyes and watched his heart break.
"What? What do you mean no-?"
Shidou's voice was confused and slightly frustrated.
"No."
Shidou sat up properly and looked Sae back in the eyes. He stared with those pink eyes that Sae felt like he could drown in. Shidou stared at him and Sae felt pinned under his gaze as he spoke.
"You can't just say no. I fucking love yo-"
"No! Fuck, no, get the hell out."
Adrenaline hits Sae along with fear as he shouted at Shidou. He quickly gets up and heads to his room. He grabs Shidou's duffel bag, phone and tooth brush before heading back to the living room as fast as he left.
"Get the fuck out."
Pink eyes stare in confusion as he shoves the duffel bag into Shidou's arms then begins shoving Shidou towards the front door.
"Sae! What the fuck?"
Sae swung the door open and pushed a very confused and upset Shidou through the door.
"Sae!"
He slams the door in his face and locks it. He ignores Shidou's confused voice and the knocking on the door. He sits down and leans against the door. After ten minutes of silence he checked the peephole to see Shidou gone. He got up slowly and turned off the TV. He grabbed his phone.
0 new messages from Shidou.
He spent the next hour lying in bed and staring at their last messages.
To: my demon
1:13 P.M.
Angel
Buying yakisoba u want any
No.
Pick up detergent on your way back.
Yes yes
The clock read 12:37 A.M. when Sae was ready to explain himself. Then for the next twenty minutes he found himself typing and deleting messages over and over again. Whatever he wrote sounded stupid. He decided to start simple with his first message.
To: my demon
1:13 P.M.
Angel
Buying yakisoba u want any
No.
Pick up detergent on your way back.
Yes yes
12:57 A.M.
Ryuusei, I need to talk to you.
Free MSG: Unable to send message—message blocking active
Ryuusei.
Free MSG: Unable to send message—message blocking active
Sae stared at the automated message saying he was blocked. He didn't know what to say or do. He didn't have any of Shidou's social media accounts. He didn't have any of his friends' numbers and he didn't know where he actually lived besides it being in Tokyo. So he just stared because what else could he have done. He never expected Shidou would block him.
Sae set his phone down and stared at the ceiling until he fell asleep.
____________
After three days of waiting for Shidou to unblock him and text him he sat in his room and cried frustrated tears.
Shidou had been there for less than two weeks but everything felt empty and boring without Shidou. Sae tried cleaning like he always does to relieve stress. He cleaned the kitchen first. Sae felt the way his eyebrows scrunched together at the sight. His kitchen wasn't messy, it just felt empty. Sae's counter had a basket of snacks that Shidou had brought him when he first invited himself over. It was mostly snacks Shidou ate so for the most part they had been left out for him. His dishwasher now also had pink plates and rainbow utensils that Shidou bought to "brighten up the kitchen" since all Sae had were white porcelain and silverware. His fridge was now covered with pictures of the two that Shidou took while Sae wasn't aware. This was too much. Sae decided he couldn't do the kitchen if all he would see is remnants of Ryuusei.
But each room he tried to clean next just reminded Sae of Ryuusei and how hurt he looked because of Sae's inability to communicate properly. The living room still had some of the movies Ryuusei brought over to watch with Sae. The bathroom had some nail polish neatly lined up against the wall on the counter. The shower had mostly empty bottles of his shampoo, soap and conditioner. The trash has an empty tube of eyeliner. The bedroom smelled like him. His side of the bed was still made and smelled like him.
When did it become his side? Was it when they spent the first night together? Was it the days after when they'd sleep on each side of the bed and wake up with their bodies intertwined in the middle of the bed? Was it when Sae said he didn't care which side he slept and Ryuusei said
"I'll sleep on the left because you're always right~"
Sae's not really sure but he knows that he misses Shidou being in bed with him as they do their own things. He liked to read in bed while Shidou would scroll on social media and interrupt Sae's book with some stupid video. He liked how they could just lay in bed after practicing together and just enjoy each other's company. He liked how straightforward Shidou was. How he left no room for confusion he always said what he was thinking no matter how lewd or annoying. He liked that he didn't have to figure out second meanings of words or decipher behaviors and actions like with others. He liked how Shidou liked Sae for being himself. How Shidou didn't mind Sae being quiet or him being easily irritated. He liked how Shidou understood Sae without him having to figure out how to explain himself. Sae could just be Sae and Shidou would love him.
Sae really fucked up.
Sae said something stupid. Something that he didn't mean to say and he doesn't know how to fix it. He doesn't know if he can fix it but he wants to. He wants Ryuusei back.