Chapter Text
“father ehy did you buodlrme” lampert said enthusiastically
“lampert, your ass is going to ikea.” Wallter said calmly. “ mark
“EHAT lanper speaks
“yeah sorry lampert, ueheuehh pack your bags” nark southernly commands
“why “
“ you keep saying ‘ mg trolss headcanons some sad some random and it us concering “
“aw mechicken bacon ranch stuff
chicken X
bacon X
ranch ✅
dog food X
dessert Xn. “ lampert equistively replies.
“ehat” mark maybe said
“is it because THE other father is sleeping with henryplays” lamp
“mayhaps”
“Im pregnant. With Henryplays, H-He’s also pregnant. I’m sorry, mark.” Wallter said tears forming in his eyes.
“D-dad?” Lampert says. Crying softly.
“Lampert. I’m sorry
“whye did you buidl me if you where gonnan diveorc”. Lampert said.
“Lampert. I’m so sorry you had to find out this way. I meant to tell you later; after I left your father.” Wallter said; this time, softly crying.
“W-What’s gonna happen now? What will happen to me?” Lampert said, crying harder.
“You’re being sold to ikea. I-I need the money, Lampert.” Wallter said, now sobbing. In-between each word, a small cry can be heard from WALLTER.
“Wallter. I must admit. I’ve been having an affair with Christina Aguileria and Brittney spears. They’re-They’re really hot.” Mark said choking on his tears as he spoke.
“Great, I really understood that well. “ Said Wallter. “I’ve been looking for a reason to divorce you mark. Goodbye. Lampert, follow me if you want. But know you’ll be happier with Mark.” Wallter said crying, and walking out of the house.
“W-Wait! D-Dad!” Lampert said choking on tears while chasing Wallter to his car.
“I-I’m going with you. I don’t care if I’ll be sold to ikea. I love you, dad!”
“I DONT CARE, IBIS PAINT!!”. As long as you accept your fate, that you will be sold to ikea. Wallter said, calmer than last time.
“WAIT!” Mark exclaimed. “Lampert. Please. Don’t go with him. I will have Brittney spears AND Christina Aguileria in the house when WALLTER leaves!” He said, Desperately.
“I don’t care dad! I don’t like Christina Aguilera! She eats raw puppies!” Lampert yelled. Crying. “At least Wallter has an affair with ONE person, unlike you. And Wallter had an affair with a good person. Unlike YOU.” Lampert said, Wallter now driving away slowly.
“EHAT oh oh oooooo-zempic, ya knowww.” mark replied sadly, following the moving car, now moving faster.
The car sped away quickly.